KISSATHON 2015: Finished Business

Victory!

Kissathon blogging is finally complete! And what fun it was - I'm sure you had a great time as well. Now let's have a look at the overall results and determine where Kiss are the shit and where they are just shit...


Best Kiss Studio Album:
DRESSED TO KILL (1975)
No surprise. They wear the suits on the cover because they knew they'd be accepting this award.
Runners Up: Love Gun, Hotter Than Hell, Creatures of the Night

Worst Kiss Studio Album:
MUSIC FROM "THE ELDER" (1981)
This was quite close, and quite frankly I'm surprised Sonic Boom or Monster didn't take this. But I guess those albums had a few songs that weren't totally awful, whereas The Elder was just a joke.
Runners Up: Sonic Boom, Monster, Lick It Up

Best Solo Album:
ACE FREHLEY (1978)
Very close decision, but there is no denying the brilliance of Ace's solo debut.
Runners Up: Trouble Walkin' - Ace Frehley, Anomaly - Ace Frehley, Space Invader - Ace Frehley

Worst Solo Album:
GENE SIMMONS (1978)
Not as close as you would think. I really can't believe that some people can pretend that is a good album. Then again, some people try and pretend Music From "The Elder" is a good album. Some people are fucking stupid.
Runners Up: One For All - Peter Criss, Peter Criss, Out of Control - Peter Criss

Best Compilation:
GREATEST KISS (1997)
Less of a surprise than Dressed to Kill pulling out Best Studio Album. Especially considering my review basically saying it was near perfection - total spoiler alert if ever I saw one.
Runners Up: You Wanted the Best You Got the Best!!, 12 Picks - Ace Frehley, Double Platinum

Worst Compilation:
SPACEWALK: A TRIBUTE TO ACE FREHLEY (1996)
Good. Because not even an awesome Ace Frehley song can cure me from the Balschko's disease this album gave me.
Runners Up: Love Gun - Deluxe Edition Bonus Disc, The Box Set Disc 1, The Box Set Disc 2

Best Live Album:
MTV UNPLUGGED (1995)
This was extremely close - honestly only a fraction in it!
Runners Up: Alive!, Alive IV, Alive III

Worst Live Album:
ONE LIVE KISS (2009)
I just realised this was a pointless category - totally thought there were more live albums than there actually was.
Runners Up: Psycho Circus Bonus Disc, Live+1 - Frehley's Comet, Alive II

Best Album of the Makeup Era:
ALIVE! (1975)
Quite surprised to see this score so much higher than everything else because I thought I had been harsh on it. But it is pretty legendary - now you know why!
Runners Up: Ace Frehley, Dressed to Kill, Love Gun

Worst Album of the Makeup Era:
GENE SIMMONS (1978)
Well, that will teach you, Gene...
Runners Up: Music From "The Elder", Sonic Boom, Monster

Best Album of the Non-Makeup Era:
ALIVE III (1993)
I guess, technically, Unplugged was still the non-makeup era. But it had an unfair advantage by including the original lineup and being mostly songs from the makeup era. And being awesome.
Runners Up: Revenge, Crazy Nights, Asylum

Best Album of the 70s:
ALIVE! (1975)
These results are just a repeat of the Best Makeup Era results, for obvious reasons...
Runners Up: Ace Frehley, Dressed to Kill, Love Gun

Worst Album of the 70s:
GENE SIMMONS (1978)
Ha! In your face again, Gene!
Runners Up: Peter Criss, Rock and Roll Over, Kiss

Best Album of the 80s:
TROUBLE WALKIN' (1989)
Of course Ace's masterpiece would take this title. No other album in the 80s even came close!
Runners Up: Creatures of the Night, Killers, Live+1 - Frehley's Comet

Best Album of the 90s:
ALIVE III (1993)
Again, I've taken out the compilations because they have an unfair advantage by being made up of 70s Kiss. Alas, Kiss didn't actually release a great deal of original material in the 90s...
Runners Up: Revenge, Psycho Circus, Criss EP - Peter Criss

Worst Album of the 90s:
SPACEWALK: A TRIBUTE TO ACE FREHLEY (1996)
Ugh, I had to be reminded that album existed...
Runners Up: Cat #1 - Peter Criss, Carnival of Souls: The Final Sessions, Criss EP - Peter Criss

Best Album of the 21st Century:
ALIVE IV (2000)
I probably should have just done the Century thing instead of the decades. Wouldn't have changed much, though.
Runners Up: Anomaly - Ace Frehley, Space Invader - Ace Frehley, Destroyer {Resurrected}

Worst Album of the 21st Century:
SONIC BOOM (2009)
Fuck you, Tommy Thayer!
Runners Up: One For All - Peter Criss, Monster, Live to Win - Paul Stanley

The Middle:
DESTROYER {RESURRECTED} (2012)
I thought it might be interesting to see what scored in the middle of the pack...
Runners Up: Frehley's Comet, Kiss, The Box Set Disc 4

The Other Side of the Middle:
REVENGE (1992)
So Destroyer {Resurrected} was number 30 - this is number 31. Surprising to see how far down an album like this scored, considering I really like it. And the ones that follow. Kind of shows the depth of awesome Kiss are when things don't actually start getting bad until after 40.
Runners Up: Unmasked, Rock and Roll Over, Psycho Circus Bonus Disc

Best Album:
GREATEST KISS (1997)
It's the best of the original line up - the best line up by far. So this album is a great compilation. Surprised to see it edge out MTV Unplugged, but is what it is!
Runners Up: MTV Unplugged, Alive!, Ace Frehley

Worst Album:
GENE SIMMONS (1978)
Kind of surprised to see it take the spot for worst of all, but it really is a terrible album. If you think otherwise, you should consider suicide. Please kill Tommy Thayer on your way out.
Runners Up: Music From "The Elder", Sonic Boom, One For All - Peter Criss

YUME NO UKIYO NI SAITEMINA (2015)

The school girls would not allow Kiss to join in their game of hop-scotch. Especially with Tommy Thayer...

This is an EP with Momoiro Clover Z - a Japanese all-girl pop group. And it is just the same song done in two different ways: the first is sung in Japanese by the girls (with backing vocals from Kiss) and then it is performed by Kiss with Momoiro Clover Z providing backing vocals. I kind of prefer the Japanese version. Most likely because of my love affair with J-Pop. BUT the Kiss version (called Samurai Son) is probably just as good.

Not a bad song and a fun way to end Kissathon 2015.


Highlights:
Uh, Kiss rocking out with J-Pop. That is absolute good times.

Lowlights:
Tommy fucking Thayer



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

SPACE INVADER (2014)

Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada...

Ace is back again!!!

And this time he is invading from Space!

This isn't Ace's best work by any stretch, but it is still pretty fun. Gimme a Feelin' is a good fun upbeat song and Toys is a really badass song about being a manly man and doing manly man things - so needless to say I can relate to that one very well. Past the Milky Way is surprisingly epic and his cover of The Joker is a lot of fun as well. And of course, the album ends with another stellar instrumental, Starship.

The rest of the album, however, is a bit ho-hum. Not bad, per se, but certainly not at the usual Ace Frehley level. Like, there is definitely not a bad song on this album, but some of it is just repetitive and all sounds similar.

But I'll take repetitive mediocre Ace Frehley over any of the hot sweaty garbage Tommy Thayer tries to pass off as music.


Highlights:
Gimme a Feelin', Past the Milky Way, Starship

Lowlights:
I still need more Ace in my life



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

DESTROYER RESURRECTED (2012)

You should be dancing, yeah...

Destroyer! Kiss! Actual Kiss and an actual awesome fucking album!!!

Thank Prime they re-released this album when they did, otherwise my lasting impression of this whole exercise would be the shit I just had to endure. But Destroyer is here to wash away the pain. And with a new improved mix and remastering? Count me the fuck in!!!

And that's really all there is to it; this is Destroyer with improved sound. And actually improved, not just some garbage promo line where they've actually ruined the sonic qualities with a shitty remastering job (looking at you, Duran Duran). The whole thing got remixed and it shows, because this album has never sounded better. Plus, Ace gets his solo back in Sweet Pain. Because Kiss needs more Ace and less Wagner. Unless we're talking Dr. Wagner, Jr.

Because everyone in the world needs more Dr. Wagner, Jr.


Highlights:
Detroit Rock City, King of the Night Time World, Shout It Out Loud, Do You Love Me?

Lowlights:
Rock and Roll Party - that could have easily been left off the album and no one would have been hurt. But otherwise, fuck you! It's Destroyer with improved sound!



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

MONSTER (2012)

A Kiss tribute band crashed the Rammstein photo shoot...

These guys again???

Well, things are off to a better start with Hell or Hallelujah - admittedly a pretty cool song, if not for a terrible attempt at a guitar solo from Tommy Thayer. Same goes for Wall of Sound. I'm a Freak is a terrible name for a song but the song itself isn't quite that bad, if a little contrived. And by a little, I sure as hell mean totally. Maybe this album isn't going to be as bad as Sonic Boom? Maybe Gene and Paul have remembered how to write memorable songs that rock without being lame? Maybe Kiss are just as awesome as they've always been??

Nope.

Gene sings about going Back to the Stone Age and tries to make another shittier version of God of Thunder with The Devil is Me, Paul goes back to his usual crap with Shout Mercy and Eric Singer gets saddled with the corniest garbage possible, thanks to Paul and his never-ending quest to write another rock'n roll anthem. Spoiler alert: All For the Love of Rock & Roll failed yet again. And then we get Outta This World with mother fucking Tommy Thayer again...

Look, I get it - you are now 'The Spaceman'. But the problem is, we all know you really aren't. And it's bad enough that you steal all of Ace's guitar riffs and makeup and everything else that made him Ace, but you steal the whole gimmick about being from outer space and try and write garbage songs about this stuff? Seriously, just fuck off. Fuck the fuck off. And die. Fuck off and die.

Fuck off, Tommy Thayer.

There are other songs, but fuck writing about them. This album is shit and Tommy Thayer can just fuck off.


Highlights:
Is this a joke? Fuck you.

Lowlights:
Outta This World exposing all the levels of awful that Tommy Thayer possesses



Verdict = 4 Very Sad Tears of The Catman

SONIC BOOM (2009)

The mad scientist, Dr. Kiss, sent his 4 henchmen out to hypnotise the people with their brand of awful rock'n roll...

Kiss are back! With a new lineup! And... Tommy Thayer...

Fuck!

First thing I'll say, is that Paul's voice just does not sound like it used to. He sounds old and tired. Which happens when you sing like he does non-stop for 40 years. He's still cool, so I'll let it slide a little. Gene has stopped trying to sing all glam-metal, so the old voice thing works for him now.

The music? Well, this is just about as generic as you could ever imagine from Kiss: riffs that sound like they've been borrowed from previous songs, choruses that are desperate for a hook but have contrived lyrics about living life and working hard to be a rock star, refrains that go "Ah ah-ah-ah ah". It isn't that this stuff is terrible, it's just that it isn't really that great and is all really predictable.

Of special mention are songs like Never Enough, which comes across as the crappiest remake of Nothin' But a Good Time by Poison. That's an awesome song. Never Enough is quite crap. But not as bad as Stand - the verses are fine and sound like something off Psycho Circus. But then that chorus is the single cheesiest and most bullshit thing Kiss have ever done. Oh no, they just outdid it with the bridge section; bad enough they rip off themselves but to shout "Just look over your shoulder!"? Who the fuck they think they are now, the Jackson 5?? It's so bad, I'm surprised zombie Eric Carr didn't rise up and stab them all with his drum sticks before forming a new improved version of Kiss with Peter and Ace. That would have been the best choice of band to perform at the Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame.

You know, for all the claims that Tommy Thayer is an awesome guitarist, he sure doesn't do anything impressive on this album. Other than rip off Ace riffs.

Oh fuck, this album continues. Surely it gets better, right?

Wrong.
In fact, it just gets worse. Well, that's not entirely true - I like hearing Eric Singer sing, and All For the Glory is possibly the best song on this album. But like every other song on this album, it suffers from Super Try-hard Anthem Disorder. That's a real disease. Scott Stapp probably suffers from it too. Anyway, after that song it is just a barrel of clichés, from Danger Us ("Danger you/danger me/danger us!") to I'm an Animal (I thought you were supposed to be The Demon? And why are you stealing riffs from Lenny Kravitz?).


But the shit really hits the bottom when Tommy Thayer takes over on When Lightning Strikes. Stealing clichés from Ace's Spaceman character and using them to make a clichéd rock song with your shitty vocals? Yeah, shit doesn't get any worse than this. By the time Say Yeah offends me with its sheer terribleness, I'm ready to tell these guys to fuck off.


Highlights:
No one will think Ace Frehley was in any way responsible for this horse shit

Lowlights:
The chorus in Stand, Say Yeah, Tommy Thayer and his inescapable suckitude



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of The Catman

ANOMALY (2009)

The sea monster used its x-ray glasses to see through everyone's swimsuits...

Ace is back!

Seeing as everyone else had already released albums, it made sense for Ace to finally show the 21st Century how it is done...

Foxy & Free is a great rockin' opening in true Ace style. Then he kicks up the heavy notch with Outer Space. I'm glad he's still rolling with the whole Spaceman gimmick, even if he isn't allowed to wear the makeup or anything. Ace calls someone a Pain in the Neck - I can only assume he means Paul and Gene. Or maybe even Tommy Thayer. Just because. Fox on the Run is a fairly harmless cover of Sweet's classic 70s groove. I prefer the original, but Ace's version is still pretty cool. Ace makes awesome instrumentals, and Genghis Khan is no exception. In fact, it is probably quite high on the example list.

Both Too Many Faces and Change the World follow the same Ace rock formula, before we get hit with another instrumental, Space Bear. A Little Below the Angels is pretty humorous when the little girl is singing and Ace is telling her a story or something. I'm not sure what was going on there. Sister is so kick ass, I wouldn't be surprised if it was like a b-side from Trouble Walkin'. It's a Great Life has some sort of 80s groove mixed with Ace's usual rock groove. That works well when I'm wearing my groovepants. Then we get the final Fractured instalment - Fractured Quantum. And it is absolutely one of the best, which is saying a lot considering how amazing Fractured Mirror and Fractured III are. I can not stress just how awesome Ace's instrumental work is. I wish I was able to meet him again so I could tell him.

Yeah, I met Ace.

Because I have graduated from novice level, I get a bonus track - The Return of Space Bear. It is just Space Bear with Ace re-enacting his legendary dialogue from The Tomorrow Show, where he was smashed off his head and claimed he was a plumber that played the trout. It is comedy gold, especially watching Gene get very grumpy at Ace getting attention instead of him.

Nice to have you back, Ace!


Highlights:
Genghis Khan, Sister, Fractured Quantum

Lowlights:
That it took 22 years for Ace to sort his shit out and make another album



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

ONE LIVE KISS (2008)

"Only the power of rock'n roll can defeat these evil zombies!"...

Paul Stanley solo live album!

More like Paul Stanley with a band, but you know what I mean. A fairly decent mix of songs from the '78 solo album, Live to Win and various Kiss classics. With lots of backing vocals and shredding guitar. And keyboards. Which sound weird in Got to Choose.

Other than some clown doing stupid shredding all through the Kiss classics, this is all pretty standard. What holds it back from being anything special is this is 2008 Paul Stanley, whose vocal powers are greatly diminished at 56. Don't get me wrong - he can still sing, it's just a solo performance from him would have been so much more powerful about 15 years earlier. I would have loved to hear 1992 Paul Stanley singing Move On or Tonight You Belong to Me. Or especially Goodbye. And someone else on guitar with him, like Slash. Someone makes this happen!

But with his vocals not being amazing, he falls back to relying on the band to be impressive. And that shredder dude is only awesome when battling the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Especially in the latest incarnation - man he is all kinds of badassery. I'm not a great fan of the actual design, but personality-wise he is exactly what you want from an evil Ninja master.


Highlights:
That episode where Shredder defeated the turtles, injured Leonardo and left Splinter for dead. That shit had me on the edge of my seat.

Lowlights:
A Million to One, I Want You, Lift



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

ONE FOR ALL (2007)

I don't want to live on this planet anymore...

Peter Criss returns!

And I wish he hadn't. I'm not going to waste time going song by song, because it all sounds the same - and that is not a good thing. For some reason Peter decided that singing well wasn't a good plan for this album, and then chose to write a bunch of garbage. And if that wasn't enough, he added in some covers of the most amazing songs possible, such as Send in the Clowns. Which he sings fucking terribly.

I can't even be mad, though. This whole album just sounds like background music you'd hear in a shopping mall or an elevator. Or maybe some bad busker on the street who thinks his music is awesome and tries to sell you his CD that he recorded at home.


Highlights:
No Tommy Thayer? Not as long as The Lord of the Rings?

Lowlights:
What a Difference a Day Makes, Send in the Clowns, and pretty much the rest of the album



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of The Catman

LIVE TO WIN (2006)

Paul Stanley's career as a wax dummy was proving to be very lucrative...

Paul Stanley is back with his first solo album in almost 20 years!

And it's mostly kinda average. Not bad or anything, but nothing outstanding. The title track was pretty cool when it was on South Park. Lift and Wake Up Screaming both have a problem, where the music sounds like a cross between Hoobastank and Evanescence, while the vocals sound like Paul is singing on a Michael Bolton album or something. It's a weird juxtaposition that doesn't quite work. Everytime I See You Around is a pretty cool little semi-power ballad and Bulletproof is listenable. All About You is an example of where Paul lets his balls hang out and rocks the party.

Second to None is a box of cheese. Paul really likes these cheesy love songs. And then it's just more cheese, whether it rocks or is soft. I don't mind cheese - in fact, I quite enjoy it. But for some reason, the obvious nature of these songs just doesn't rock me. It all sounds the same.

If I want a Creed album, I'll listen to Creed.

The band, not the movie. Though I'd prefer the movie.
The trailer rocks and I'm really looking forward that film. Might have to do a Rocky marathon to get in the mood...


Highlights:
All About You, Reminding myself to buy my ticket to see Creed

Lowlights:
Loving You Without You Now - what the fuck does that title even mean???



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

THE BOX SET (2001)

The Kiss Ice Block! Now with added black for pointlessness...

Kiss box set! Full of demos and the usual songs you find on every other compilation!

Things kick off with the greatest demo of Strutter possible. I can't begin to explain why, but this version makes me smile and groove. It is awesome. Then we get the original Wicked Lester demos - the band Gene and Paul were in before Kiss. It is just hilariously laughable rubbish. They sound like a mid-60s flower power hippy band, which is equally hilarious considering Gene has said in interviews how much he hates hippies. The original version of She is fucking laughable - sounds like some sort of flower power remix, complete with soft falsetto vocals. Bahahahahahah. And then Love Her All I Can is actually EVEN FUNNIER!!! This is like The Room of music recordings.

Back to Kiss demos. I'd say these were less funny, except Gene forgets half the lyrics to Let Me Know and then fucks up the bass line on 100,000 Years. Oh cool, now we get a Paul demo from 1966 called Stop, Look to Listen. Holy fuck, his singing is actually all kinds of horrendous here. Then the guitar solo turns up and is like "You want to hear terrible? I'll show you terrible!". But then the lyrics just stand over both and say "Fuck you both - we are the worst part of this song!!!". Just to compound the fun even further, we are treated to a Gene demo from 1969 called Leeta. It's very much in the style of Gene being The Beatles. If The Beatles are the worst band in the history of the universe.


The rest of the first disc is just Kiss songs from the first 3 albums that I have listened to a few times but are still awesome so I shan't complain. They're certainly better than listening to Wicked Lester again.


Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up


Disc 2 is more of the same; some bad demos mixed in with songs from Alive! through to Love Gun. Highlights include the demo of God of Thunder where Paul sings lead vocals, an early demo of Calling Dr. Love that is called Bad, Bad Lovin', and a demo of a song called Love is Blind where Gene once again thinks he is The Beatles eating a shit pie.


Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up


Disc 3 is the most pointless so far; a couple of demos and a live version of Talk to Me mixed in with tracks from Alive II through to Creatures of the Night.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls


So Disc 4 steps up the pointless game to serious levels of "WHY?" by not even being an interesting collection of songs from the 80s. Seriously, it's like they aren't even trying right now.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls


At least Disc 5 contains a few songs that aren't available elsewhere; we get the Unplugged rendition of Got to Choose that was left off the album for reasons of being silly, Nothing Can Keep Me From You from the Detroit Rock City soundtrack, which is a bit of a sappy ballad but actually done well compared to the usual sappy bullshit Paul tries to dish up. And there's It's My Life - not the Bon Jovi song, surprisingly. Great song.

Pointless fucking box set though - if it weren't for the fact it collected a lot of awesome Kiss songs in one place, it would score very poorly because almost everything that was previously unreleased is either terrible or hilariously terrible.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up

ALIVE IV (2000)

Having reached the end of things they could do on stage, Kiss decided to try their hand at some Photoshop magic...

I call this Alive IV because it was supposed to be and I refuse to acknowledge the album that became Alive IV due to Tommy Thayer. I've also put it here in the Kissathon because it was recorded New Year's Eve 1999/2000, so it chronologically makes sense to me.

That said, it isn't too bad. I'm sure there is a fair bit of studio trickery going on and probably some Tommy Thayer guitar work inserted for giggles. And Peter's tempos are a bit all over the place - particularly in Do You Love Me? and I Love it Loud. Otherwise, this has kind of grown on. I mean, I loved the reunion tour and this just makes me kind of relive it.

Kind of. They didn't play 80s Kiss songs on the reunion tour and Tommy Thayer wasn't playing guitar.

Fuck that Tommy Thayer guy.


Highlights:
Deuce, Shout It Out Loud, Firehouse, Let Me Go Rock'n Roll, 100,000 Years, Love Gun, Black Diamond, Rock and Roll All Nite

Lowlights:
That sneaky suspicion that Tommy Thayer is listening to this at home and pointing to the speakers going "That's me!"



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

PSYCHO CIRCUS - LIMITED BONUS DISC (1999)

When your kids are misbehaving these holidays, take them to the Kiss Circus and let them know how much you want them to die...

I forgot about this. After the initial release of Psycho Circus, they re-released it with a bonus disc that contained 6 live songs. Being the schmuck I am (and particularly was in 2000) I had to replace my perfectly fine copy of the album with this so I could get the bonus disc. I justified it by pointing out my original copy had a crack in the lenticular case, while this version did not.

Yeah, that's how lame I am.

Anyways, these are fairly standard for me. Probably because I've watched Kissology a few times so this is exactly like that without the visual fun of Kiss in makeup and moving around explosions. Let Me Go, Rock'n Roll is absolutely phenomenal here, as is 100,000 Years, But Into the Void is super disappointing. And Within is just the sonic definition of awful.

A mixed bag of lollies and spiked slugs.


Highlights:
Let Me Go, Rock'n Roll, 100,000 Years

Lowlights:
Within



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up

PSYCHO CIRCUS (1998)

I always wondered why it was so easy to fade out Ace and Peter's faces on this '3D' cover...

Kiss are back!!!

The first album from the original line up in almost 20 years!!! Except it turned out Ace and Peter were barely allowed to be involved. But hey, their faces and names got to be plastered on the cover so that meant something...

The opening track is actually pretty darn awesome. Very much classic Paul, complete with him doing a cool ass solo. Within sounds like it came straight from the Carnival of Souls reject pile. Paul keeps going for his anthem thing with I Pledge Allegiance to the State of Rock'n Roll. Damn, that is a long ass song title. Ace gets in on the action with Into the Void and it is all kinds of awesome. Just classic Ace rockin' out styles. Then Gene decides he needs to cheese this shit up like it's his solo album in 1978 with We Are One. This song is where you realise you are not really listening to a Kiss album because there is no way Ace would play on a cheese ball sandwich like this. Hilarious lines like "You are me, I am you/What you see is all true". Apart from the credits to this album that say Peter Criss on drums, right Gene?

Shit gets even sillier with You Wanted the Best; everyone just spouts off lines about how much they hate each other and stuff, but then Gene says 'Hey the fans want us as a band so let's just play music and make them happy!'. SO MUCH FUCKING IRONY

Raise Your Glasses is Paul actually hitting that bullseye on the anthem target. I love this song so much I've ripped it off for one of my own. Just remind me to come delete that sentence when I become a big famous rock star and make millions off that one song. From the best song on the album, we go immediately to the absolute fucking dirge that is I Finally Found My Way - the schmaltziest, corniest, most terrible fucking ballad anyone in Kiss has ever even attempted. I pity Peter Criss for being saddled with this poor excuse for a song and being expected to make something of it that didn't resemble a pile of shit. I get that Paul Stanley just wanted another Beth, but he should have written something better. Or just used one of Peter's old songs. Nobody bought Let Me Rock You - just redo Let It Go as a band and it would have been one of the best songs on the album. Instead, we got this. Just no. NO. Fuck, no no no NO NO NO!!!

Dreamin' is some sort of dark brooding lost love song. So not Kiss, but Paul Stanley makes it work. Then we close off with Journey of 1,000 Years, which is some weird mess filled with strings and horns and Gene being boring and singing about crowds roaring. But because I play on a hard level, let's have that bonus track In Your Face, a song written by Gene but with Ace on lead vocals. It's nothing special.

Just like this album.


Highlights:
Psycho Circus, Into the Void, Raise Your Glasses

Lowlights:
I Finally Found My Way, Tommy Thayer getting to live out his dream and pretend to be Ace Frehley



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

LOADED DECK (1998)

Playing cards have changed a lot since my day. No wonder no once can defeat Ace...

Another Ace Frehley compilation! This time with new songs! And more live songs!

One Plus One is a neat little simple song with a really cool guitar solo. Give It To Me Anyway has someone else singing. I think it is Richie Scarlett. He's a cool dude and this song is really fucking cool - the chorus is killer. And then it is a whole lot of awesome Ace Frehley songs like Do Ya and Shot Full of Rock.

Actually, there are only 3 previously released tracks on here. Weird.

The live songs are all quite fun. Then we get the last two Fractured instrumentals to close things out, because why not? Fractured III still owns.


Highlights:
Give It To Me Anyway, Do Ya, Shot Full of Rock, New York Groove (Live), Fractured III

Lowlights:
Not sure how many times I need to say this, but it is an Ace Frehley compilation so the only lowlight is when I realise Ace isn't coming over tonight to lay down a solo on one of my tracks



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up

GREATEST KISS (1997)

Someone doesn't know the alphabet very well - their names don't start with those letters...

A big Kiss compilation!

And by "big", I really just mean lots of songs because this focuses purely on the first 6 studio albums. And why not? They are pretty much the best Kiss albums possible and this was a tie in to the reunion tour, so why waste time on the 80s?

The exception, of course, being God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II. Because that is the greatest song ever and can be on any CD it wants. Otherwise, this is 17 songs from a span of 3 years plus 2 songs from Dynasty, and every single one of them are different barrels of awesome. Oh wait, there is another exception - the new 'live' version of Shout It Out Loud. Which is even better than the original version. Though as someone who actually has the Tiger Stadium concert on DVD where this was recorded, I admire the studio trickery used to make it sound so good.

When the weakest track is God of Thunder, you have yourself a basically perfect Kiss Compilation. When I need Kiss and can't decide on an album or period, this album is my go to.


Highlights:
Pretty much everything, but special mention for the new version of Shout It Out Loud

Lowlights:
The Tiger Stadium concert not actually sounding as awesome as that song would lead you to believe



Verdict = 5 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a hearty thumbs up

12 PICKS (1997)

The 12 Disciples readied themselves to prove their musical worth...

An Ace Frehley compilation? Sure, why not!

This is just a bunch of Frehley's Comet songs with half a live album added to the end. Obviously, the studio cuts are awesome because they are Ace Frehley and when compiling awesome Ace Frehley songs, you end up with something awesome.

The live tracks are all from a Frehley's Comet concert in London. They are pretty decent; apart from one Frehley's Comet song, they are all Kiss tracks. Interesting approach, but then again this album was probably released to cash in on the Kiss reunion. Otherwise it probably could have just been labelled Frehley's Comet or something.


Highlights:
Like, three quarters of the album so I'm not going to list them all. It's Ace Frehley, yo!

Lowlights:
None - it's Ace Frehley, yo!



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1997)

A rare photo from Cher's collaboration with Pearl Jam...

Kiss are back from the future with an album recorded with a lineup that no longer exists!

Make sense? Not my fault Kiss went back to the makeup and awesomeness before they were ready to put this music out to the public.

Anyway, this was the mid-90s, so Kiss were doing their best Soundgarden impersonation. Gene is all angry on Hate and it actually works. Then Paul really turns up the alt. rock vibes with Rain and Master/Slave, which is admittedly based on a really cool riff. It's just the riff doesn't really go anywhere after that... Childhood's End is a cool song. I Will Be There isn't; it is right up there with Paul's sappiest ballads. I'm not sure why he doesn't just make a solo album and put all his cheesy ballads on there instead.

Luckily, Paul shows he can still rock with Jungle, which is a really bad ass tune. So Gene takes that as his cue to ride the suck train with the most plodding, heavy, brain-numbingly boring song possible - In My Head. After that it is just on to generic alt. rock styled songs with mostly decent choruses. And Bruce Kulick says goodbye with his only lead vocal contribution ever, I Walk Alone. This song is all kinds of brilliant and is basically a solo song, because I'm pretty sure he played everything except the drums. Oh wait, Gene and Paul do some backing vocals at the end. And Bruce does some backwards guitar solos. Wowsers!


Highlights:
Jungle, I Walk Alone

Lowlights:
I Will Be There, In My Head, It Never Goes Away



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

YOU WANTED THE BEST, YOU GOT THE BEST!! (1996)

You know in Futurama when that weird thing broke through the sky and was basically making love to everyone with it's tentacles? Insert witty joke about that in relation to Kiss here...

A live compilation!

As the best possible way to cash in on the reunion, they put together this compilation of songs from the first 2 Alive albums, plus some previously unreleased 'live' songs. And the vocals on those totally don't sound like they have been re-recorded in a studio or anything...

Album kicks off with Room Service. I love Room Service and this version is pretty cool as well. Even if the modern vocals stick out like a thing that sticks out super obviously. Then we get Two Timer - so they are just running through Dressed to Kill? I wouldn't complain about that in any way whatsoever... but sadly that's about all we get from that album. It's a crime they don't play more songs from that or Hotter Than Hell. Let Me Know is really groovy live; a bit slower and I really like the ending. I've scoured the internet for bootlegs and can't for the life of me find any live concerts where these songs have been performed.

Makes me think maybe something is up here...

I question the wisdom of putting Rock Bottom on here when the live version is nowhere near as awesome as the unplugged version. Some random live version of Take Me makes a random appearance as well - a very welcome appearance, no less. It's an awesome song that should appear on more Kiss compilations. Otherwise, it's all just Kiss classics from the live albums so they are great.

Easy mindless but enjoyable cash in attempt? Absolutely. But when has Gene ever been about anything else?


Highlights:
Room Service, Two Timer, Let Me Know, Take Me (the rest of the album is solid as well, for obvious reasons, but these are the standouts - for further obvious reasons)

Lowlights:
The super obviousness of the vocals on the 'previously unreleased' tracks



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up

SPACEWALK: A TRIBUTE TO ACE FREHLEY (1996)

Boba Fett soon found his new spaceship design was not particularly aerodynamic...

It's a bunch of metal dudes! Performing Ace Frehley and Kiss songs!

Badly!!!

I don't really know why I added this in, since it is just a tribute album. Well, actually I do: there is a new Ace Frehley song at the end. And it is pure awesome, like most things Ace does.

However, every rendition leading to that final song of awesome is a pile of sweaty garbage. Stinky, sweaty garbage. From the dirtiest creek in India. The guy doing Deuce is a terrible fucking singer. And whoever okayed this version of Shock Me should be arrested for terrorism or something. Rip It Out is actually somewhat good! Mainly because it just sounds exactly like the original, apart from the crap sounding guitar. Seriously, did this dude put his amp in the microwave and then set it for 3 minutes on medium heat and then it all exploded into flames? Hey, some guy is doing Hard Luck Woman! And he is an infinitely worse singer than Peter Criss! I fail to see the point of doing that song when this an Ace Frehley tribute album and not only did Ace not write or sing Hard Luck Woman, he didn't really do any signature licks or anything. It sure as fuck isn't a song I think of when I think of how awesome Ace Frehley is. Seriously, out of all the work Ace has done up to this point in his career - from 10 albums with Kiss, to 4 albums without - and you choose Hard Luck Woman to express your tribute? And then do it badly?? Just fuck the fuck off.

Oh fuck, the guy singing Snow Blind may actually be the worst so far! And it is then just covered in heavy metal guitar bullshit. From here it is just a mess of shredding, bad singing, more shredding and shredding shred shredders! Fuck this.

Dimebag Darrell is the only person I will bother mentioning because he has covered Fractured Mirror and it is quite good. Mainly because there is no terrible singing - perhaps they all should have just done instrumentals? Then Ace Frehley says "You guys are no match for me and my awesome" and closes the album with the only song that doesn't give me cancer.


Highlights:
Take Me to the City by Ace Frehley - duh!

Lowlights:
Listening to 10 great songs get destroyed on the way to that one good song



Verdict = 3 Sad Tears of the Catman

MTV UNPLUGGED (1995)

Having lost all their costumes and make-up in a robbery, Kiss started busking to make ends meet...

Ooooh Yeah!!!

This album is proof that you don't need electric guitars and amps to make the best rock'n roll in the universe. And what's even crazier, is that some of these songs sound even better unplugged than they did in their original studio incarnation!

Songs like Comin' Home and Goin' Blind, where the studio version was still pretty good, are now totally enhanced by the massive drumming of Eric Singer and the thoroughly improved singing of Paul and Gene. Seriously, all three are barrels of awesome throughout this show. But especially Eric Singer. But especially Paul Stanley. Sure Know Something is even more powerful than the studio version. Rock Bottom finally sounds like a gawdam rock song. How on Earth is the acoustic version a million times more rocking than every other electric version out there??

It isn't until track 9 that we get something I can even pretend to complain about with See You Tonite. I'm not sure why they chose a boring song from Gene's awful solo album when they have like 342 albums to choose from at this point in their careers, but whatever. It isn't totally awful and is at least better than the original version. And it isn't Tunnel of Love or Man of 1,000 Faces or something...

Besides, Paul makes up for it with I Still Love You, where his singing hits that point where the audience is melted and Godzilla is forced to retreat to his bedroom and cry into his journal. And after he's relaxed to the soothing melody of Every Time I Look at You (complete with a live string section), the world implodes with the return of Ace and Peter! And then after they perform a couple of classics together, because the world has now been turned upside down and we all live in Bizarro-land, Bruce and Eric come back out and everyone rocks the house as one big happy family. Including the greatest version of Nothin' to Lose ever, with Eric singing lead and Peter singing the chorus, and the rowdiest version of Rock'n Roll All Nite possible - complete with Ace and Peter singing the final verse between them, and then Ace and Bruce engaging in duelling guitar solo.

Just phenomenal stuff.


Highlights:
The whole motherfucking show

Lowlights:
That there were actually some awesome songs left off the CD, including a country version of God of Thunder and Spit



Verdict = 5 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a hearty thumbs up

CAT #1 (1994)

After wining the war, The Phantom of the Opera began promoting his new-age philosophies...

Peter is back again with his 90s rock band!

It starts off pretty rockin' with a song called Bad Attitude. Peter and Ace always seem to do well with songs where they reference their real life bad assery. Which is why Walk the Line also rocks, as it has the same sort of theme. The Truth is surprisingly pretty great as well. There's some generic stuff in here that is super forgettable, but then Good Times comes in and I totally dig that groove. Possibly sounds a bit nicer than the version on the Criss EP as well.

Blue Moon Over Brooklyn, however, is one of those songs where you think it could be better but for some reason just comes across as weak garbage. The smelly kind of garbage, too. Down with the Sun is a pretty cool instrumental and then we close off with that acoustic version of Beth I liked.

This was a surprisingly good album. Not the greatest thing ever, but certainly listenable. Or maybe I just forgot to take my medication today...



Highlights:
This album not being nearly as bad as I thought it would be

Lowlights:
Blue Moon Over Brooklyn, We Want You



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

CRISS (1993)

The Phantom of the Opera was ready for war...

Peter Criss returns!

The Catman hits us with his first bit of music in 11 years. And it's a short EP of songs that sound very much like they are from 1993. The Cat features a funny line about Gene and Paul going up a hill and then he does some screams like he is mocking Paul. Entertaining, for sure. Then Show Me features some other dude singing. What is it with Ace and Peter thinking they need someone else to come in and sing other songs to make things more interesting? Especially here, where this guy has a kind of screamer voice like Peter so doesn't really add much diversity. Except make them sound more like Candlebox or something. Good Times is actually pretty groovy. What You're Doin' is just like that second song, except more forgettable. And then we close off with a nice acoustic version of Beth. I dig that.


Highlights:
Making fun of Gene and Paul

Lowlights:
Coming across as some low-rent Candlebox wannabe band at times



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

ALIVE III (1993)

Kiss tried their best to battle their way out of the phantom zone...

Explosions!

This album was my first exposure to a lot of the 80s & 90s songs that Kiss perform on this album. Sadly, they don't perform many of these nowadays so it is cool to have them on here. I once read something that said these performances with Eric Singer on drums was like a racing car driver taking your normal everyday car for a crazy spin. I'm not doing that metaphor justice in anyway whatsoever, but it's totally true, because with him behind the kit the classic tracks all have a very different feel. It isn't bad - it's kinda fun, actually. The only kind of downer is that Bruce Kulick is such an epic guitarist that he just ignores the classic licks and shreds all over the old songs. That's less fun sometimes.

I Just Wanna is actually way cooler than the studio version. Paul gets the crowd to say a naughty word very loud. What a bad man! I Was Made For Lovin' You gets a hard rock attitude and quite frankly this is my favourite version. I don't care if it wasn't really recorded at a concert. Same goes for Lick It Up - the 'favourite version' part, not the 'recorded at a concert' part. Though I'm equally not concerned, I guess. Take It Off is in the same category, though I prefer to know this was live otherwise the section with the strippers would be really awkward...

Paul sings the shit out of Detroit Rock City, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II is in some ways just as awesome as the studio version, and then things end in a weirdly patriotic manner with The Star Spangled Banner. I'm not sure why, but it makes me want to stand and salute.


Highlights:
Lick It Up, Forever, Detroit Rock City, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II, The Star Spangled Banner

Lowlights:
Lack of Ace Frehley guitar licks



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

REVENGE (1992)

Graffiti was becoming a serious problem in Kissland...

Kiss are back!

And this time Gene is opening the album? What the what?? That's normally Paul's job!

That's ok, Unholy is a pretty damn good song to open with. And Paul is straight back to his normal self with Take It Off. No guesses as to what he's singing about. The production on this album is so much tighter than anything I've heard in a while and it really suits the added attitude the songs have. Spit is pretty much Gene's best song in almost a decade. Which is then followed by God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II - the greatest song in the history of mankind. The future as well. If you plan on writing a better song, you should just give up now and watch Arrested Development because it is impossible.

Paul's voice is super awesome on this album. Heart of Chrome is a lesson in badassery, and Thou Shalt Not continues Gene's trend of being awesome again. Amazing the difference leaving the 80s behind has done for him. No more of that speed hair metal wannabe garbage - he's back to making songs that make it sound like he is going to stomp around Tokyo like Godzilla. Or maybe even battle against Godzilla in a fire breathing competition. My money's on Godzilla, but you never know what tricks Gene might be up to...

Paul serves up possibly the sappiest ballad since that sachrine mess he left on his solo album, though at least Every Time I Look at You is somewhat better. So Gene goes back to being an angry arrogant man with Paralyzed. He's quite good at that. Then Paul talks about making not so sweet love to a woman, before we are treated to a demo version of Frehley's Comet's Breakout, but with Ace's guitar work replaced by Bruce Kulick. I guess that's what he gets for doing Hide Your Heart first...


Highlights:
Spit, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II

Lowlights:
None. Kiss rocked this shit up!!!



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

HOT IN THE SHADE (1989)

The Sphinx tried its best to go incognito at the Kiss concert...

Kiss are back! And this time with their longest album ever! And Michael Bolton co-writing songs!

Shit.

Rise to It is your standard opener, with Paul singing and making hilarious innuendos. Betrayed is just the typical Gene trying to do 80s speed metal thing, just even less 'heavy' than normal. And his singing is less annoying. Hey, it's that Ace Frehley hit - Hide Your Heart! I really can't decide which version is better, as they both have equal merits and different things that make them equally awesome. Alas, the awesome gives way to generic 80s rocking songs, including Read My Body - which is just a direct rip off of Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me. Minus the awesomeness.

What is awesome, however, is Forever. Despite me mocking it for being co-written by Michael Bolton, it is without a doubt the best ballad Kiss have ever done. Probably more of a power ballad, I guess, but either way it makes this album worth the money. Silver Spoon is just icing on the cupcake with its swagger and cool. One thing that strikes me with these last couple of songs is just how good Paul's voice is on this album.

Anyways, back to the generic mediocre stuff for a while. Then Eric Carr finally gets to show off his vocal chops on Little Caeser. Not a bad song, but I'm fairly sure he could have done something years before this. He sounds like a ballsier Gene Simmons! Speaking of Gene, he closes us out with yet another speed hair metal wannabe song.

Kiss albums should not be this long. Unless they are filled with amazing songs - which this wasn't.


Highlights:
Forever, Silver Spoon

Lowlights:
Read My Body



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars