UWF Fury Hour: Episode 45

UWF Fury Hour Episode 45, 12th July 1992

I'm pretty sure they are just using the same opening introduction from Craig and John Tolos each week. It's always something about guys being bigger and bigger. At least Herb gives us a rundown of the wrestlers for each show and they are all so very exciting!

Apparently, "this match would be a main event anywhere in the world!". Is that world in the Shitburger Universe?

The Nightstalker vs Death Row 3260
There is some music edited in and it is so funky I think it should be Death Row's theme song. Or the UWF theme song. Or my theme song? Tolos says The Nightstalker has "style that can't be bought at a drugstore". Unlike his steroids? "Style" is exactly what I think of when I see big dude walking around in black underpants and carrying a big toy axe. They wrestle for a bit and then decide to just stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for 2 minutes. Death Row rolls around the ring after being stomped and it's fucking hilarious. Then Tolos starts going nuts over it, which makes it more hilarious. Then Death Row misses the worst splash ever and it's even more fucking hilarious.

The Nightstalker grabs his toy axe, but Craig thinks it is a fucking hatchet. Motherfucker can't even call inanimate objects correctly.

Winner = Death Row 3260 via disqualification.

The Nightstalker attempts to use his plastic axe to chop up Death Row, but he is prevented by 'Dynamite' David Perry. So Death Row now has an ally? Will this make him less angry? All he ever needed was someone to understand him... and to make 'the man' pay for putting him in jail.

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs Vladimir (not Nikita) Koloff
The sound-mix somehow has the commentators buried beneath everything. But it seems Craig is upset because Colonel Red wouldn't let him weigh and measure Koloff or something. This is actually hilarious; they are giving Vladimir a whole new backstory, like he isn't the same dude that was on the show a year ago. Wait - they just said he's Nikita's brother? Apparently Colonel Red beat up Herb so badly it resulted in Herb being taken to the hospital. I don't remember this - perhaps it will air later this episode? Or a later episode? Or not at all, knowing this editing team. Maybe this Vladimir dude is not actually Nikita - because he is way worse than Nikita ever was.

Draw via double-countout.

A bunch of dudes come out to put an end to their brawling.

Sunny Beach vs Barry Horowitz
Holy fuck, what a combo of skill and charisma! Hey Beach - where's the surfboard gone? You're nothing without it. Sunny Beach says he's been in Japan, but he didn't like their beaches. Well, I don't like your beach! Tolos calls a roll-up a "super great finishing move". It doesn't get Horowitz the win, so it can't be that "super".

Winner = Sunny Beach via roll-up and holding the tights.

Tolos was right! I shouldn't question the man.
Tolos is very angry with Sunny Beach for cheating, but then is like "Hey, you gotta win here in the UWF so good for him!" OK?

Herb and Captain Lou Albano want you to call the Powerline because they are proud men.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/Sunny Beach) vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)
Why didn't Wild Thing come out to help Sunny Beach in his last match? Clearly there's a power dynamic in this partnership. Tolos bets Craig a 7Up that Hessler will get the win. What a wager! Sunny Beach talks to the referee while Hessler and Casey just destroy Wild Thing with a table and golf club. How on Earth did the referee not notice any of this happening? Eventually he does... and... does nothing. I'll be honest - I'm barely paying attention to this, because it's all just interference bullshit and it's fucking Wild Thing vs Helmet Hessler.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via disqualification.

Tolos says "this is just the beginning". Please just fast-forward to the end!

Thoughts:

• Death Row 3260 continues to be the funniest motherfucker going today! Or at least 1992.
• WTF is up with this whole Vladimir/Nikita thing? Are they the same guy? Are they different guys?
• John Tolos gets crazier every week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 44

UWF Fury Hour Episode 44, 5th July 1992

Tradition! Fundamentals! The way professional wrestling used to be! A bunch of wrestlers you won't see on this show!

Craig and Tolos assure us this will be like nothing we have ever seen before. I don't know, I've seen 43 previous episodes and they were all just different variations of awful...

Death Row 3260 vs Midnight Star

Is this a battle for the new worstest ever? Tolos wants to know what Craig's number on death row was (the place, not the wrestler). Clearly it was too high, because he's still alive. Tolos thinks Death Row (the wrestler, not the place) was fed well in prison. Death Row goes for a pin but lets Midnight Star up before getting a three-count, and Tolos is all 'I like the way he did that!' but then goes on a rant about how if you have someone down you should never let them up. So he didn't like that?

Winner = Death Row 3260 via hilariously bad shoulder tackle from the middle rope.

Captain Lou Albano tells us that "When you're talking about Herb Abrams, you're talking about class personified!". Wasn't the man arrested while naked and high on coke and chasing hookers??

We get a replay of Jimmy Valiant's promo on Colonel Red from last week.

'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant vs Viper II

ZOMG Valiant got old and skinny - looks like a frail old man! He's still running around kissing everyone, though. Even steals everyone's hats. And a child.

Winner = 'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant via sleeperhold.

He may be old, but The Boogie Man is still barrels of fun.

Remember when Aerosmith were considered "Hard Rock"?

Colonel Red's Corner
Colonel Red
is his own guest? He claims he beat Captain Lou Albano and took his "corner". Huh? Last I saw, he like bought it or something. Colonel Red says because it's now his corner, he gets to decide who he interviews... but Herb comes out and tells him he has to interview Jimmy Valiant next week.

Barry Horowitz has arrived at the UWF and he's after the TV Championship. He says he is "the hottest ride in the park and the other wrestlers should jump on"?!?!

Barry Horowitz vs Tommy Angel

Craig tells us today we can look forward to Jimmy Valiant's debut and Colonel Red's Corner. Great production! Tolos is helluva excited about this match.

Winner = Barry Horowitz via like a reverse DDT or something, but the commentators also don't know what to call it. Which doesn't surprise me, considering what Craig usually calls even the most common of moves.

'Dynamite' David Perry vs Viper II

Tolos: "I like this David Perry. Now, I don't know too much about him, but he's a big boy!"

Tolos: "Now this Viper II... I don't know much about him either!"

Good to see you are dedicated to your job there, Golden Greek.

Winner = 'Dynamite' David Perry via Superkick

The Nightstalker vs Johnny Kidd

Tolos goes absolutely crazy for The Nightstalker for like four minutes.

Winner = The Nightstalker via pretty shitty chokeslam.

Herb is still trying to sell you The Beach Brawl on VHS. And 'The Best of the UWF'. There is no way in hell that should be six whole video tapes.

UWF Special Report

The TV Championship has been declared vacant. 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray wants a shot at the title. He thinks the fans want him to get a shot at the title.

[Narrator: No, they don't.]

Wild Thing says the best wrestlers in the world are coming to the UWF.

[Narrator: No, they're not.]

Helmut Hessler (w/Kevin 'the Truth' Casey) vs Jeff Husker

Yes, Wild Thing. Here is a perfect example of "the best wrestlers in the world coming to the UWF". Two dudes I had to actually google to find UWF records so I could have their names. Craig keeps encouraging Tolos to go back to being a wrestler. He's old, you asshole. Let him retire and enjoy yelling at wrestling shows like old men should. Craig is the one who should be looking for a new job.

Cactus Jack and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts are still for sale. What, no merch for new superstars like Helmut Hessler? Or Colonel Fucking Red?

We rejoin the match... and it's now earlier in the match? Like, seriously it is basically being shown from the beginning again. It's like the editor figured I didn't care the first time, so maybe I'd pay more attention the second time.

Winner = Helmut Hessler via side-suplex

After the match, Casey attacks Husker with a golf club. Tolos is having the time of his life because it incorporates his favourite things; golf, wrestling and sneak attacks.

I wish I had kept a record of the amount of times Tolos said "super".

Colonel Red is with Ivan Koloff. Red is going to help Koloff defeat Jimmy Valiant.

Koloff: "I'm looking forward to it - UWF style!"

What does that even mean???

Next week: 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. And more Colonel Red. Wooooo.

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is hilariously excited about almost everything.
• Sadly, his excitement doesn't match the rest of this garbage truck.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 42

UWF Fury Hour Episode 42, 9th September 1991

This week Craig and Bruno are joined on commentary by Captain Lou Albano. Yay. He brags about beating up Mr. Red, but doesn't mention anything about leaving Herb to get his ass kicked. Craig still can't figure out Super Ninja's name.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Mohammed The Butcher (w/Abu Dee?)

Wow, what an exciting match to get started with! 

Commentators don't even pretend to care about the match and just make jokes about how fat Mohammed is. Bruno stops making jokes and just says straight up "This guy is very fat". Wild Thing sprays him with a fire extinguisher? In the stomach??

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via clothesline

Wild Thing tries to press-slam Abu Dee, but fails so throws him on Mohammed.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams will be defending his belt against 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray at a future show. WTF did that dude do to earn a title shot?

B. Brian Blair vs Sonny West
Damn - Blair is still around? Did Craig just call him Muraco??

Bruno finally explains why his version of the hotline is called "Hot Bruno".

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the longest sleeper hold in history.

Bah gawd that was hilariously bad. Because he's such a 'nice guy', Blair 'wakes up' Sonny West afterwards.

Ask The Wrestlers
Where is the fucking graphic? You mean, I'm going to have to start typing out the question myself??
"B. Brian Blair, will you ever wrestle 'Dr. Death' and what do you think of his wrestling tactics?"

Blair says he is a fan of Dr. Death and would love to wrestle him. I mean, he's got the coveted UWF Sportsbyline Nationwide TV VHS Championship - so who wouldn't want to wrestle for that??

We get a full recap of the Captain Lou Albano/Mr. Red/Herb Abrams drama. Wow. Desperate for content muchly?

To The Point

Herb and Captain Lou Albano are joined by Mr. Fucking Red and Super Ninja. They all just scream over each other - except for Super Ninja, who just stands there doing nothing. Why is Mr. Red so obsessed with getting Albano's segment? Mr. Red says he went over Herb's head. How? He owns the fucking promotion. Is this going to be the way they explain the company going off television? Albano keeps making comments about Mr. Red being fat. Herb says something about killing Mr. Red.

Mr. Voice Over explains this segment was recorded before Mr. Red was suspended for 30 days. Then why didn't you air it BEFORE he was suspended for 30 days? Because that part wasn't live, either.

I like bad promos, but that shit was absofuckinglutely painful.

Oh, wow - Official UWF Ratings!
Half of these guys haven't actually wrestled since Beach Brawl.

Next week - tag-team ratings! Excitement!

Frank E is with Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Oh, it's just a repeat of her promo from a couple of weeks ago. Put Luna on To The Point.

Next week we will have another appearance of Mr. Red. Glad to see that suspension is really being enforced. Also, Herb will have news on possibly signing The Ultimate Warrior. Shouldn't he wait until he actually has the guy signed - not just it being possible?? Does he want another Andre The Giant embarrassment??

Thoughts:

• This was a show?
• To The Point may actually be the worst thing this show has ever attempted.
• In WCW, Nikita Koloff and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey have already worn out their welcome again and are gone. Cactus Jack has just arrived and is feuding with the promotion's top star. Larry Zybysko is a tag-team champion.
• I don't know if I've said this enough while watching UWF, but fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 41

UWF Fury Hour Episode 41, 2nd September 1991

The New York skyline - Florida Style?

TONIGHT! The Fire Cat and "a mystery panther" will take on The Black Harts. Bruno thinks it might be Captain Lou Albano. Does he want me to kill myself?

You can still buy the UWF Beach Brawl official program. Get a bunch and give them to your family for Xmas!

The Keeper & The Animal vs Mike Larrier? & The Nightmare

The Keeper is actually Paul Samson - wasn't he a jobber in an earlier match?  I guess putting on shitty matches and losing means he can now have shitty matches and win? He's an inspiration to jobbers everywhere! The Animal is throwing lollies out to the crowd. Bruno says he never seen an animal like Jim (The Animal) at the zoo. This leads to Bruno discussing wrestling an Orangutan and a bear. He admits it was not smart. Dude, I'm watching the UWF so I know all about doing not smart things. 

Winners = The Keeper & The Animal via tombstone piledriver

After the match, Larrier attacks The Nightmare and The Animal makes the save. Odd. Bruno cared more about... well, everything besides that match.

J.R. James (w/Bobby Rogers) vs 'Dynamite' David Perry

Apparently this Bobby Rogers is the grandson of the legendary Buddy Rogers. Bruno sounds... skeptical. Bruno explains that we don't see some wrestlers again because it means they aren't good enough for the UWF. Is that what happened with David Sammartino? Bruno is mighty tough on that kid.

Winner = 'Dynamite' David Perry via superkick

Wait what?!? Is another jobber graduating to main guy? The bad guys beat him up after the match and the rest of the jobbers come out to split them up. Jobbers means sticking together!

Captain Lou's Corner
We are told this is a repeat of the one the other week where he interviewed Mr. Red. Thanks.

Super Ninja (w/ Mr Red) vs Madman Pongo?

Haha you can kind of catch Bruno, Craig and Lou talking in the background and not in character. Albano actually gets an onscreen graphic to let you know he's on commentary - he must be Herb's best friend or something. Albano completely buries both wrestlers and recommends they go wrestle in WCW. Seriously. Bruno obviously takes this as his cue to be more honest. Herb joins the commentary team and Bruno asks him why he signed these terrible wrestlers. As opposed to the other terrible wrestlers?

Winner = Super Ninja via some weird submission or pin or what?

Super Ninja beats everyone up so Herb gets in the ring and suspends Mr. Red for 30 days. Which would mean something if this company was actually still going to be in business more than 20 days. Herb and Albano beat up Mr. Red but Super Ninja attacks Herb outside the ring. No one saves him because, well... he's Herb. I like that Bruno and Albano are always acting like he's their best friend, but when he's beaten up they don't care at all.

Herb's dead

The Fire Cat & Mystery Partner vs The Black Harts (w/ Luna Vachon)

Frank E is like "I can only introduce one guy" and the crowd are chanting "WE WANT STING". Well ok maybe only like 5 people. His partner is... Wild Thing. Wow.

The Fire Cat & 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs The Black Harts (w/ Luna Vachon)

They all just brawl outside the ring and Alison Royale comes out to attack Luna Vachon. Some lady in the crowd starts giving Vachon shit as well.

Craig calls a suplex a "piledriver" because he's such a fucking brilliant play-by-play commentator. Herb just wants to rant about what happened to him "last week".

Double Disqualification

On that note, we outta here.

Thoughts:

• This was easily the worst card ever. It was basically jobbers vs jobbers in some pretty shitty matches.
• I can't stand Albano, but him shooting on commentary was at least an improvement.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 40

UWF Fury Hour Episode 40, 26th August 1991

Bruno is excited for the women today. Craig talks about the new faces we've seen. MotherFucker we've only seen The Keeper and The Animal and they were geeks.

Frank E tries to hype the crowd. I try to hype my will to live.

Jim 'The Animal' (w/The Keeper) vs David Perry?

The Animal is a mighty big rip-off of a more famous pro-wrestler from my childhood (and before), George 'The Animal' Steele. Even right down to the soft toy being his most prized possession.

The most hilarious result of them taping the commentary live with the matches, is that Craig is promoting the hell out of Orndorff vs Orton - despite the fact that match was aired last week. AND the week before.

Winner = Jim 'The Animal' via The Keeper doing some cheating.

After struggling to find a working mic in the building, Herb asks 'The Animal' if he's "a monkey or a hippo", then laughs to himself and runs away.

Captain Lou's Corner

Today's guest is Joshua Bengorian, who is apparently the UWF Israeli Champion. Is that a UWF sanctioned title? Albano supports Bendorkian committing genocide, apparently. He's often imitated?? I suppose there a large number of geeks in this world...

Joshua Bengorian vs Mohammad 'The Butcher' (w/Abudanen??)

Is this for the UWF Israeli Championship? Bendorkavich hands out Israeli flags to the people in attendance. Yay propaganda! The Butcher eats the ropes. Holy fuck this is awful.

Winner = Joshua Bendorkian via disqualification for some reason I give zero fucks about.

And yes, apparently that match was for the UWF Israeli Championship.

If you buy (The?) Beach Brawl on VHS, you also receive a free autographed picture of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. I want the cookies instead.

The Cuban Assassin (W/Mr. Red) vs Joe Defuria?

Mr. Red gets on the mic to tell the fans they stink. Bruno and Craig mock The Assassin's physique. Bruno mocks Defuria's punching and HAHAHAHAH

Winner = The Cuban Assassin via piledriver.

Mr. Red gets back on the mic and this time I can't understand anything he says. Yay!

Now you can order a full 6 volumes of "The Best of the UWF" on VHS. If you buy them all, you will receive (The?) Beach Brawl for free. This ad is even accompanied by a Girls On Film rip-off, so it must be a good deal.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Dave Johnson?

Dave Johnson thinks he is Bob Orton and can attack Orndorff before the bell. But that does not work if you are not Bob Orton.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash.

B. Brian Blair vs Death Row 3260 (w/Gorgeous John)

Bruno is aghast at someone having the temerity to call themselves "Gorgeous". Death Row tries a leapfrog, but just ends up throwing his crotch in Blair's face.

Death Row's dropkick is... slightly better this week. Blair does a leapfrog and takes out the referee, which allows Gorgeous John to cheat. But he hits Death Row instead.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via pin after bad guys fail at cheating.

After the match, Blair beats up Gorgeous John and runs away. Craig calls this "a good win" for Blair.

Alison Royale vs Luna Vachon (w/The Black Harts)

Bruno is raving about Royale so much I can only imagine he is madly in love with her or she owes him $100. Vachon is likely the 2nd best wrestler to feature on this week's show. Royale is not.

Captain Lou Albano decides this episode hasn't been awful enough and joins the commentary team. He throws bizarre insults at Bruno and Craig, before deciding they deserve a raise. Take it up with your buddy Herb! Vachon gives the referee a shove and Bruno is upset the referee didn't punish her. "You can't do that!". Well, clearly she can!

Bahaha Fire Cat comes out for no reason but still just stands there doing nothing while The Black Harts attack Royale.

Winner = Luna Vachon via top rope splash.

Apparently, PWI thought a match at (The?) Beach Brawl was "one of the best of the year" or something.

Thoughts:

• I want to see Death Row 3260 vs Joe Derfuria OR Joshua Bendorkavic.
• This show felt at least 3 hours long.
• We got to meet the promised "new faces" tonight, and the future certainly looks bright!

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 39

UWF Fury Hour Episode 39, 19th August 1991

Could they not find any interesting footage of Florida, so have to keep reusing the New York stuff? Craig and Bruno are with Captain Lou Albano and promise us some new faces this week. Last week you promised a bunch of matches that didn't happen either, so fuck off.

We will finish the 'Mr. Wonderful'/Bob Orton match now, so "Sit back and enjoy and watch". Wait - you mother fuckers are playing the whole match again from the beginning?? Why the fuck didn't you just play a shorter match last week and then play this match in full this week?!?! IS THIS REALLY THIS HARD!?!?!?!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks Orndorff before the bell and punishes Orndorff's shoulder against the ring post, before getting in the ring to pose. It's actually the same strange edit as yesterday. Bruno berates the referee for not using a countout already, but I don't know, it's kinda good for a change. Orndorff tries to get in the ring, but Orton just stomps him. Eventually, he just hulks up and does some stomping of his own, so Orton rakes the eyes. 

Why am I recapping this like I think I'm some sort of pro-wrestling recapper?

Bruno wants them to stop brawling and give us a proper wrestling match. Orton is doing a boring armbar, so I would think this would be to his liking? They take it back outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is unhappy and again calls for a countout. Clearly he's on Dr. Herb's payroll. Craig seems more concerned with Orndorff's hair. Craig says he went to 'Mr. Wonderful's house to read his dictionary - sounds like a real party! 

Double Disqualification

What a surprise! They continue to brawl outside the ring, including Orndorff hitting Orton with a video tape, before beating up the referee as well. They get in the ring to continue the fight, but then Orton is all like 'Nah I'm going to get a hot dog'.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is backstage with The Keeper and The Animal. They are here and they are new - no shit. They're also fucking stupid. No shit, LOGMAN! The Animal has a soft toy. The Keeper says he stole The Animal from The Bronx Zoo. Albano just goes on a rant about how crazy The Animal is and looks, when he really just looks like a dork. Like seriously, what the fuck do cheek bones have to do with making someone look dangerous??

The UWF have ratings! Bob Backlund is "rated" #5 after wrestling a total of... 1 matches in The UWF.

Today we have a new segment! It's called 'To The Point' and it's basically The View with old men.
Herb has actually shaved, so you know he's being sincere! Despite the opening graphic calling it To The Point, Herb says it's called In This Corner. Albano wants Bruno's opinion on today's pro-wrestling. Oh, they're going to talk about Vince McMahon on trial for being a steroid fiend. Bruno is disappointed that it makes the whole pro-wrestling industry look bad, but he's hoping it forces the government to take action and clean things up. Spoiler: never going to happen. Albano says today's wrestlers need to be more like Bruno (NO SHIT) and have a good mind and good ethics and not take steroids. Herb wants to get the message out to all the young people that they should stay away from steroids - maybe just stick to fun drugs like coke? Bruno totally buries Hulk Hogan for his testimony and pretending he's never taken steroids. Herb admits they don't do drug testing in the UWF, but somehow turns this around into a promo for 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Albano tries to call Bruno a hypocrite, because there was showmanship in pro-wrestling during the 50's and 60's, but Bruno is like 'Dude, I didn't like it back then - but at least we were wrestlers!'. Then this just further descends into 'old men reminiscing about the old days' and Albano tells Herb he's doing a great job BAHAHAHAH Herb tries to reply but is cut off by going to commercial.

Wait - that was out main event? Or was it all the commercials?

Thoughts:

• Shots fired!
• Orndorff/Orton was not as good as their last match.
• There was only one match tonight. It wasn't very good but it at least it was complete for once.
• Donahue for the main event? What even is this??