Lessons in Annoying LOGMAN part 53

Aaron
A workmate and colleague...
And by far the biggest jackass I have ever met. You know those people who know nothing about a subject, but because you do they talk about it like they do? Well, that is Aaron; a guy in his very late 30's (pretty sure he turned 39 this year) with a wife and 2 young children, who for some reason (mid-life crisis perhaps?) decided when he started working here that he too needed to become a guitarist. And that means that every damn day I have to hear some story about his friends who happen to be "awesome musicians" (whoopideedoo) and his own exploits with the guitar. Then there are days I have to hear about some crappy New Zealand band or artist that he is currently listening to. Hey guess what? I don't care.

A fellow guitarist and I have a code name for him when discussing his latest idiotic ramblings - Australian Wood is Crap Guy (or AWCG); for you see, he asked about my acoustic one day and decided he would never buy one like it because it is Australian made and "Australian wood is crap". Oh really, fool? So my acoustic guitar that I have owned for 8 years and traveled all over Australasia with and is still in great condition and sounds beautiful and in fact gets better as it gets older is "crap"? Am I the one that bought a Telecaster that 3 months later developed a split in the neck, despite a knowledgeable guitarist (i.e. ME) telling you not to buy it?

Shut the fuck up.

Oh what was that? Today you want to take your stupidity to a WHOLE NEW FUCKING LEVEL OF DOOM???

“Last night I played all 4 of my guitars AND my
ukulele!”

Yes, because that makes a huge difference to how much of a complete tool you are. I mean, obviously the way to get better as a guitarist is just play on a range of shitty guitars instead of playing on one good guitar for an extended period of time. And I'm sure your young boys love that you choose your guitars over spending time with them. Well done *clap clap*

“That sounds like a good mix of Heartbreak Hotel”

Ummmm so you are an expert in mixing now? And considering it is the ORIGINAL mix, and I'm listening to it through the damn speakers on a PC, WTF DO YOU KNOW??!?!?!!??!??!

Please, just go back to playing your hilarious songs about putting the kids in the Hilux and going up to the mountain. At least I can get a chuckle out of that stuff.


Some days I just want to punch him in the face he makes me so mad

Txting Etiquette

Over the last few months, I have had numerous txts from people for ridiculous reasons. Whether it has been Miriam asking the same question for 7th time that day, or someone just asking me about lunch at 7am, they have all served in the greater purpose of making LOGMAN hate having a cellphone. So with that in mind, I thought it would be great to share some simple rules for people planning on txting me who don't me to reply with a cellphone up their nose.

Please note these rules apply to everyone in the universe, with the exceptions of Sam, Warwick and Louise. These 3 make their own rules, and I live by them. Their drunken txts in the middle of the night are what I live for.

1. If you have more than 2 questions, don't bother txting.
I know this sounds harsh, but putting questions into a txt requires me to answer you. And most of the time I can't be bothered. While moving my thumbs across the keypad, I could miss La Parka doing a corkscrew plancha onto Super Calo. And then I would have to give you a corkscrew plancha to make up for it. And I'm just not as good as La Parka.

2. If you are going to insult me, don't bother txting.
Not that I'm against insulting people - it is one of my strongest giftings, after all - but again it means that I have to retaliate. And chances are reading your nasty txt has interrupted me, and that means my rebuttal won't be so friendly. And really, the difference between a txt and a verbal argument means I have time to think of 500 ways I'm going to kill you before you can even txt me intelligent responses like "u r a dik". Don't waste mine or vodafone's time.

3. If it is after 10pm, don't bother txting.
Now this one is a prickly situation. I know most nights I'm not usually in bed until around 2am. But there are the occasional times when I am tricked into thinking sleep is good, and I go to bed at a time that would put my Grandparents to shame. But they won't have to live with that shame because they are all dead. Anyway, it seems that on these mystical evenings most people want to converse with me via txt message at midnight. And usually about the most pointless things. So before you txt me in the middle of the night, ask yourself: LOGMAN wouldn't even be slightly interested in your latest escapades on World of Warcraft during the day, so is waking him up to tell him you've just married a magical fire elf really worth the fun of a magical Sharpshooter?

4. If you are asking the same question you have been asking numerous times, don't bother txting.
Now this really bothers me. If you asked me something yesterday and I gave a response, where is the point in txting me about it again? Chances are, if you haven't heard from me about it nothing has changed. Let's look at my friend Sam Seay: I txt'd him a few times asking for my Nightmare game back, and after getting no responses I stopped txting him. Why? Because he has no plans on giving it back and me txting him is not going to change his mind. It's only going to make him sit at home and go "Stop txting me, maggott! I AM... THE GATE-KEEPER!!!". I know I would. But like I said, if I say I will txt you when a situation changes, unless you hear from me you should assume it hasn't. Otherwise the situation will change... the situation of you having thumbs to txt with!

5. If it is before 8am, don't bother txting.
This is much like the 3rd rule. Someone once bitched at me about how my cellphone has an off button, and that my alarm will still work when my phone is off, so it is my fault if someone wakes me up. Well that's nice in your perfect little fairy world, but I have learnt first-hand that my phone needs to be on 24/7 in case of emergencies. So with that in mind, remember that LOGMAN is not a morning person and asking him anything before he has had a chance to switch his brain out of neutral will result in you receiving incomprehensible mutterings and severe whiplash.

6. If you are going to write "LOL", don't bother txting.
Seriously, it isn't a word. Don't pretend it is - you will only make yourself look stupid. If I was a teacher and a student used that in an essay, I would get La Parka to smack the student with their own chair. Seriously, I sometimes wonder if this is really what Hitler was fighting against; maybe his view of a "master race" was one that never used crack-inspired abbreviations like "LOL" or "BRB" or "LMAO". Maybe he had a good idea with those concentration camps. Maybe I'm about to get some hate mail. Send it here.

I may add more as time goes on, but for now I think this is a good start. Be sure to follow these rules, and you can be sure you may live a long and fruitful life.

More MySpace Bulletins

And does anyone else find the Boy/Girl bulletin a little odd?

I mean, first of all who doesn't like hoodies?  I don't think that would make anyone more of a man.  Saying dogs are better than cats isn't manly - just ignorant. And someone being obsessed with Power Rangers only proves they were a child when the show was on - not really an indication of sex.  It's like saying that because I love Transformers, I must be a guy, when it really means I was a child in 1984.  And I am a complete geek.

I don't know anyone in this country that collected baseball cards.

And yet the girl questions are so stereotypical it's ridiculous; no guy owns a skirt or a dress, and that was used for 2 seperate questions!  Talk about desperately trying to be condescending.

Most terrifying of all, though, is the calculations that are then used to determine your 'Male/Female Levels'.  Most people scored highly in their own sex (duh), but then some also scored quite well in the opposite sex and gained a total higher than 100%.  Brumbys actually scored 126% as a man - double my score - and then a further 28% as a woman.  Does this make him twice the man I am?  And 1.5 the person the rest of us are?  And being a half a person more than anyone, does he have any superpowers???

So if you still feel the need to do this quiz and determine your sex, I have devised my own that should help you:

BOY
[ ] You have a penis

GIRL
[ ] You have a vagina

Now there's two words I never thought I'd ever see me write!

And I realise some people may tick both answers, and they are a special breed of people.  They are called "Fashon Designers" and can be seen on a show called Project Runway.

Man I wish TV3 would hurry up and bring that back.

Weekly Dose of Mean

As those on my 'MySpace Friends' list are well aware, I recently posted a bulletin/survey for everyone to fill in and post, thinking this would be a fun source of entertainment. Turns out it has been for me; only 2 of my friends filled it in (I don't really care), but it was filled in by a friend of Steve's, who then forwarded the response to me... and it was so intelligent that I really couldn't resist posting it here with a little bit of commentary from myself.

And to help everyone, I've left my questions in black, his answers are in blue and my comments are in bold italics (how daring, right? I've gone MAD!)

On with the show!


1. How cool is Logan? COLD,
Well OK, I can't really argue with that... if you want to go with the literal meaning and not the casual slang of 'cool' meaning 'happening hip cat that everyone loves and admires' then yes I am cold... but then check the weather, doofus - I bet you aren't too warm either

2. What do you think makes Logan so darn cool? ALL THE ICE,
Again, I won't really argue; because as Jeremy and some others are aware, I lie on icebergs and lift Mastodons

3. Is Logan your hero? DEPENDS WHO HE CAN FREEZE.
Hold up - so I'm Mr. Freeze now? I am now some snarling action villain that helps George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell completely ruin the Batman film franchise? And if by chance I do have the power to freeze people, I would think that would make me pretty darn special and worthy of your admiration - no matter who it was I could freeze! Talk about someone suffering Tall Poppy syndrome... I can just hear you now going "Yeah he can freeze people... but he's never frozen anyone that interests me, so he can't be that good."
I'd like to see YOU freeze someone!

4. Do you often find yourself asking "What would Logan Do?"? NAH

5. Have you ever watched cartoons with Logan? No
And with this attitude, it's likely you never will

6. If yes, were they actually created AFTER 1992? TO OLD, DON'T THINK SO,
If you learnt how to read (and use correct grammar), you would notice this question is only relevant to people who answered "Yes" to the previous question, where you answered "No". Or are you confused, and think we have watched cartoons together - because now you seem to be claiming that we have watched cartoons that have been made after 1992, which again proves how out of touch with reality you are. The only cartoon worth watching in 1993 was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and even then it was not at its best

7. What makes a great ice cream sundae topping? Chocolate

8. Who is your favourite Professional Wrestler? ALL THE LADYS, LOL
I pity people that actually consider the Playboy rejects that now flood wrestling shows to be 'wrestlers'. Sure, there are a couple that have skills in the ring, but the only ones that get real television time are the ones that are willing to expose flesh and parade around for all the hormonal little teenage boys. It's part of the reason I don't watch it anymore. And your second grammatical error is slightly overshadowed by that disgusting abbreviation that ends your sentence... I also pity people who think that is a word

9. Do you think he/she could beat Logan? In Santa with Muscles - YIP, THEY WOULD MELT HIM DOWN WITH LOOKS, LOL
OK I'll let you off for not deleting Steve's comment about Santa with Muscles...
So what I can establish from your response, is that I am now made entirely of ice(?) and the "LADYS" of pro-wrestling have laser vision, with which they will melt me??? Dude, what sort of crack were you smoking today? I don't remember drugs being that good when I was a kid

Let me declare - right now - that LOL is need of a serious beat down, and I hereby challenge it to a Retirement Match in 8 weeks

10. In a Steel Cage Match? YIP, STILL THE LOOKS,
Oh I get it, you were trying to say that because they are so 'good-looking' they would win? Oh well done - I mean, that's all it takes to win a wrestling match - no skill involved whatsoever.

So you think that thin, plastic, trashy, slutty looking women with no self-respect are attractive?

11. Do you prefer turning right or left? DON'T GIVE WAY, PUT PEDAL TO THE FLOOR,

12. Have you ever thought about starting a social club and support group for people who just don't understand why on Earth the Black Eyed Peas are so popular? NAH, BUT FERGIE IS HOT,
I was right!

13. Can you find The Danger Zone? YIP IN HELL,
Sorry, dude - you have the wrong co-ordinates there. While The Danger Zone is somewhere I want to visit, Hell is not somewhere I wish on anyone. Although that would make an interesting tie between the two songs "Highway to Hell" by ACDC and "Highway to the Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins

14. When listening to The Cure's 'Faith' album, are you amazed at how the vast expanse of the musical backdrop and soaring arrangements, while accompanied by lyrics of desperation and fear, has absolutely no emotional impact whatsoever? WHO ARE THEY WHEN THEY ARE AROUND,
I think that's pretty obvious - they are The Cure
dumbass

15. And finally, tell us what would happen if your were to take a trip to the moon… WITHOUT USING THE LETTER E

I deleted his final answer, as it was too stupid to even warrant the use of copy and paste

Ahhh... I feel so cleansed...
And yes, I am listening to Purple Rain yet again... it's just so amazing!
Only wish MySpace would let me post the proper album (it's really called Purple Rain, or Music from the Motion Picture Purple Rain, and was released in 1984 - not 2005. It's weird how it comes up with crazy stuff like this). But anyway, for you young ones out there, I can't recommend this song/movie (or should I just come right out and say it's a 90 minute music video) enough - the live version of Purple Rain itself is incredible