UWF Fury Hour: Episode 36

UWF Fury Hour Episode 36, 8th July 1991

Tradition and fundamentals is totally what UWF is all about! I guess this boring and ill-informed opening video package means it's time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! And maybe more office interviews?

Today Craig sends us to the trailer for the latest Jean-Claude Van Damme movie: Double Impact. Hard to believe I've not seen it! But then again, there are a lot of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies I've never seen. I once planned to bLog a 'June-Claude Van Damme', where I watched 30 Jean-Claude Van Damme movies each day in June (get it?). It might be something to revisit...

Tonight we will relive the last 2 matches from Beach Brawl, plus a Killer Bees Mask Confusion match I may have seen before? What are they doing for the next couple of weeks??

Recap of the feud between Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Which was actually a feud between Colonel DeBeers and a black referee and 'Iceman' King Parsons and Billy Jack Haynes. Not once does 'Mr. Wonderful' make an appearance in those "highlights".

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
At least DeBeers comes out to Shout at the Devil. Maybe that album is the only CD Herb Abrams owns? I just realised they've never actually explained the rules of a strap match. Bruno even seems unsure of what the rules are.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

I don't recall my review during the PPV, but this match was not bad. However, the ending with the taser is fucking stupid. Craig's explanation of the "stun gun" is also fucking stupid. Orndorff convulses in the ring, so Bruno is very troubled.

Orndorff is in the office!

He feels there is no place for racism in pro-wrestling. I like that he pretends that he was the only person DeBeers was feuding with, like Billy Jack Haynes was never here. Craig tries to tell Orndorff that DeBeers embarrassed him by using the taser and Orndorff is like nope I was not embarassed - I won the match. Apparently DeBeers took a flag that was given to Orndorff by a little boy and Orndorff wants it back? Orndorff also owns a bowling centre where celebrities come to bowl and not drink alcohol because he refuses to sell it. He also admits he is not good at bowling. Crazy. 

Now we're back at the office with "the despicable one", Colonel DeBeers.

Brian makes fun of him for choosing the match stipulation and then losing the match. DeBeers references the Rodney King beatings, I'm guessing. He complains Craig and Brian aren't in uniform? What? DeBeers can't spell his own name thinks. He mentions Mr. Black, who only appeared once and was then fired. Apparently he did everything for DeBeers but how can anyone confirm that? I only ever saw him standing with DeBeers once and doing nothing else. Didn't even get him a glass of water or anything. He says that America is second-class compared to South Africa, and yet he's "adopted" a flawless American accent... "South Africa doesn't have slaves, just cheap labour". He says Orndorff has HIV, so he didn't want to make him bleed. Jeebus this guy... is just... not good.

Oh wow now we get a replay of the Captain's Corner segment at The Beach Brawl where Captain Lou Albano just buried The Blackharts and then walked out of the ring. Very worthwhile.

The Killer Bees Mask Confusion vs Cash Jackson & Hog Calhoun

Still not the Beach Brawl main event? I guess that's how they can make this Beach Brawl recap last another week...
I reviewed this match before. It may have been worse than I remembered.

Winners = The Killer Bees via dropkick

Dan Spivey is coming back to the UWF? Hopefully you've still got some t-shirts in stock!

Thoughts:

• Shit went downhill fast after the Orndorff/DeBeers match.
• DeBeers with his racist nonsense is one thing. To say Orndorff has the aids is just another level.
• WCW this week; Ric Flair just got stripped of the belt and PN News continues to rap out of time and shout Yo Baby Yo. The clear winner.
• There are still 10 episodes left and I can't possibly imagine how this company is actually able to continue after this week.

UWF Beach Brawl

UWF Beach Brawl, 9th June 1991

Before we start, let's discuss this tournament, shall we?

The first round of matches were not aired on TV and apparently happened at 'house shows'. Did those house shows actually take place? Did these first round matches actually occur? Well, I don't know for certain. But I can't find any proof of any events happening in Texas, and I sure don't remember them advertising any events in Texas, so to see some results from a show in Texas... well, that's suspicious. Next, we look at the 2nd round. There were supposed to be four matches: The first lasted 5 seconds before being thrown out - it was clearly used to setup a match for the PPV. The second match involved 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams possibly shooting on 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray for Herb Abrams' personal vendetta. Seriously. The third match didn't happen, as one of the participants "didn't show up" so the other person advanced without a match happening. The fourth match... it's like it never existed - I have no idea who it was to have been between and it was never advertised. And thus, our final was determined with only ONE match being relevant. Remember - we were told every week this was "a format devised by Dr. Herb Abrams". Motherfucker has a doctorate in crack.

Also, I'll point out that 'Dr. Death' being the only person in the tournament to actually wrestle a match in the tournament is one reason I don't actually believe Steve Ray when he says him getting manhandled by Steve Williams was a work. 

So... yeah. The worst tournament ever is to finally be concluded tonight!

It's 4am! I've got vege dogs! I've got PepsiMax! I've got ice cream! Let's do this!!!

We open with a video package showing old wrestling clips. Really fucking old. Herb wanted to bring wrestling back to the glory days. Today the UWF will follow tradition and crown their own champion.

Also on the card: The Black Harts, Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco, The Power Twins vs Mass Confusion (FKA The Killer Bees), a "Legends Match" between Bob Backlund & Ivan Koloff, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers, and Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams.

'Dr. Death' is concentrating on stomping Bam Bam Bigelow to death.

Holy shit - the arena is dark! I guess they're trying to hide the 98% of the building that is empty?

Brian Ricco is our host or something. He can't pronounce "behemoth" properly, and brings in a very upset Herb Abrams who tries to pretend he is "elated". Brian asks who Herb thinks will win tonight and be crowned the very first UWF Sportschannel TV Champion... and Herb just simply says 'Dr. Death. Then Brian tells us there will also be a "Ladies Championship" match tonight - between two women that have never wrestled in the UWF before. That sounds about right. AND on the hotline right now is... Mr. Red? I can pay to talk to Mr. Fucking Red?? Can I also pay someone to stomp my balls??

Craig and Bruno are looking sharp tonight! They mention that Don Muraco is not here and will be replaced by Johnny Ace because he lives nearby.

Frankie E is backstage with Bam Bam Bigelow, who says he has trained and studied hard for the match tonight. He has... "hobility"? Mo' money, mo' happy! Oh shit - it's his son's 3rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Bam Bam's son! Your present is your Dad wrestling in the darkest shittiest place in Florida (which is already one of the shittiest places).

Now he talks to 'Dr. Death' and there's talk of "secrecy" in his training camp. What is he, a Formula 1 team? He says people tried to stab him in the back to get to the title. MOTHER. FUCKER. You were attacking 'Mr. Wonderful' for months! Frankie: "Strong words from a strong man".

Now it's back to Brian. Will this show ever start?!?

Honestly, the more I see it, the more it looks like a shitty WCW taping from a house show or something - pretty far from a wrestling promotion's biggest event ever.

Opening Match
The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat

Wow, what a totally PPV worthy match and like nothing we see on The Fury Hour each week! Bruno references Japanese wrestling magazines and that's seriously all I have to say about this.

Winners = The Black Harts via 'Vegematic' I think

Luna attacks The Fire Cat with a chain. It wasn't a bad match, but no one cared. Because no one cares about a couple of jobbers wrestling poorly against a tag-team that no one cares about. Also, there's no one there.

Luna complains to Brian about the match-making, so he just cuts her off to start the next match.

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I was actually wondering the other day whatever happened to Johnny Ace - and now I know he's living in Florida just waiting by the phone in the hopes someone will ask him to wrestle! Craig makes sure to point out that the crowd don't care about him. Great stuff! Terry Gordy has the best and most appropriate entrance song (Bastard by Mötley Crüe). For a 'street fight', they sure are doing a whole lot of basic wrestling moves. Bruno thinks these guys could have a wonderful technical match if they stuck to the rules - which they have been doing now for like 10 minutes. Ace goes for a move outside the ring but Gordy fails to catch him, which means we finally get some 'street fighting' in the crowd. But it's so dark, I can't see a damned thing that's happening.

No Contest via double-countout

In a fucking 'Street Fight'???
They keep 'fighting' (e.g. headlocks) but why are there little kids running around the ring? They waste more time just jawing at each other. That was OK while it lasted... but a countout in a street fight is fucking nonsense.

Bruno gives us an insight into thinking like a champion, because we need more time spent on not wrestling.

Mass/Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
Apparently The Power Twins aren't allowed to have John Tolos with them. The Killer Bees have brought back the jackets! But not the masks - which is fucking hilarious, given the name change (which has changed again in the half hour since the intro).

Craig is crying because The Power Twins throw their shirts at him. Free clothes!

Don't complain - you might need some after this. Craig: "There are no opening acts at The Beach Brawl." Motherfucker has the show not started?? BAHAHAHA Blair does that whole 'struggling to reach his corner and make a tag' spot and the Power Twin actually pushes him closer, so Blair has to pretend that he's not now right in front of his tag partner.

The Bees/Confusion put on their masks so they can swap places, but there's no fooling Bruno. If The Power Twins were doing this, y'all would be bitching so hard. Why isn't the referee questioning them putting masks on in the middle of a match??

Winners = The Killer Bees/Mass/Mask Confusion via sunset flip and mask wearing

I think I need to go watch The Killer Bees vs The Hart Foundation from one of my Bret Hart DVDs because I can't actually recall if The Bees were ever actually any good.

Hear The Beach Brawl by phone?? What the fuck does that even mean?? Is Herb going to hold the phone up near the ring so you can hear them stomping in the ring???

We've got like 5 matches left... and only 1 hour...

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
Interesting choice to completely ignore the women that have actually been wrestling on UWF shows. Craig tries to put over Robin's singing. MOTHERFUCKER I still have nightmares about that nonsense. YOU GAWDAM TRIGGERED MY WRESTLEMANIA PTSD!

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

New Champion!

That match was... not good.

Craig and Bruno think that Rockin' Robin will have a tough time defending the title. Because of the competition, the fact she's never wrestled in the UWF before, or because the UWF is about to go out of business?

Recap of the Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff feud. Which is a recap of the Colonel DeBeers and Billy Jack Haynes feud. Because Orndorff and DeBeers haven't interacted with each other even once on UWF television. Craig again mentions these are "highlights that led up to tonight's match". Riiiiight.

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
Has DeBeers always used Shout at the Devil as his entrance song? I can only assume Herb picks the music and only has one CD (Shout at the Devil). Herb being a massive Mötley Crüe fan somehow makes a lot of sense. 'Mr. Wonderful' is fucking awesome - why was he not in the tournament? Why isn't the final of the tournament a big blow-off to his feud with 'Dr. Death' with the UWF title on the line?? Bruno gives DeBeers credit for cheating - because Orndorff is so good, DeBeers needs any advantage he can get. Bruno even makes the bad guys look better.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

OK so what was the point of the strap? DeBeers reacts to his loss by attacking Orndorff with a taser. Lovely. Bruno sounds legit disgusted.

Captain Lou's Corner
Are you fucking kidding me now?? His guests are Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Albano decides he doesn't like his guests, so throws down his mic and leaves. Cool.

You can buy a souvenir programme! Imagine the wonderful information that must contain... The postal address has changed; Herb must have moved house.

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red)
Bob Backlund is "the undefeated champion of the world". Which is why he has no championship? Holy shit - the dude sure was strong!

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup

Captain Lou Albano comes back out to beat up Mr. Red.

We get a recap of the Wet N' Wild/Bob Orton & Cactus Jack feud. Which actually works, because these guys have been feuding for months and fighting each other regularly on television.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Craig is absolutely losing his shit over the "babes" walking out with Wet N' Wild.

Tolos is thrown in a cage; dude needs RoboCop to rescue him!

Doesn't take long for the referee to be knocked out, so Tolos throws Orton some brass knuckles.

But then Orton punches Cactus Jack by accident.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton fucking up

Cactus Jack and Orton get into a brawl and take it backstage.

Recap of the events leading up to our main event! Bam Bam Bigelow beat up some jobber and 'Dr. Death' won the only match of the tournament.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship
Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Herb comes out to present the championship belt and Bam Bam is like 'I just wanna fight - get the fuck outta here, Herb'.

I'm still baffled as to how Williams can be a heel since the start of this company and then you try to switch it to Bigelow at the last minute. Both men get cut open at the start. How? They were only taking clotheslines. Bigelow hits his top rope splash, but celebrates too quickly like a dork, so of course 'Dr. Death' kicks out and starts his comeback.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via powerslam

Herb runs in to present 'Dr. Death' with his new fancy belt. So can 'Mr. Wonderful' at least be the first challenger, so they can finally put an end to their feud properly?

Herb asks 'Dr. Death' what he has to say and it's just a bunch of horseshit that I can't understand. Herb throws out the challenge to all the champions "across the USA, Japan and Tokyo".

Brian Ricco now interviews 'Dr. Death' backstage. "I'm in a lot of pain right now, but that pain has all gone away" - so you're not actually in any pain, then? He wants to wrestle against bouncers and track-athletes - you know, not pro-wrestlers.

Craig thinks 'Dr. Death' is "the dictionary definition of pride'. Bruno thinks he could beat anyone in the world. Herb thinks he's already lost too much money and turns the lights out.

Then we get a recap of all the results, which actually takes longer than some of the matches.

Thoughts:

• If you call your event (The?) Beach Brawl, do some beach decorations. Throw up a fake palm tree, give me some sand or a beach ball or something. Don't make your event look like a low-budget midnight punk rock concert.
• Seeing that tiny crowd actually had me feeling sorry for Herb.
• The main event was pretty good. The 'Legends Match' was also not so bad - I'm glad they kept it short. But the rest of the show was either 'meh' or garbage or...
• A double fucking countout in a street fight after one guy doesn't show. Holy Sheet.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 30

UWF Fury Hour Episode 30, 27th May 1991

Herb greets us from the editing room to tell us that tonight we'll see the UWF Sportschannel UHF Vidiot Championship Tournament semi-finals. What happened to the quarter-finals??

Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco
Bruno Sammartino is back on commentary - yay! And this match is a wild, crazy brawl - yay! And... fuck me!

Draw via double-disqualification

Apparently, this was one of the quarter-finals. Huh? Does Dr. Abrams not understand how tournaments work?

Luna Vachon says some weird stuff and The Power Twins are number one - all to promote the new TV Champion at Beach Brawl?

Holy fuck we really are off to the races here.

Captain Lou Albano has yet another ad for the hotline and begs people to call him. He seems lonely.

Colonel DeBeers is back with a big black dude called Mr. Black as his servant or something. This just proves DeBeers is an equal opportunity employer.

Colonel DeBeers (w/Mr. Black) vs Soul Train Phillips
Craig says Mr. Black is DeBeers' "aide" and then straight up calls DeBeers "the racist from South Africa". Soul Train goes for the pin, but DeBeers knocks him into the referee. Which leads to DeBeers stomping the referee and then a shot of the crowd... worshipping DeBeers??

Odd shot to cut to. DeBeers gives Soul Train the DDT on the concrete carpet.

Winner = Soul Train Phillips via disqualification

I've already had ads for The Beach Brawl twice, Captain Lou's hotline, Weight Gain 3000, The Beach Brawl again and now the Power Line.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Quarter-Final
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Will this last longer than the previous quarter-final? Bruno says 'Wild Thing' needs to improve. Once again, Bruno with the brutal honesty. Craig lists off the other quarter-finals and it's hilarious because we've already seen Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy and Herb told us who will be in the semi-finals. Not to mention they've been advertising people like B. Brian Blair as having matches at Beach Brawl that are clearly not part of the tournament. These two have been fighting outside the ring now for like a count of 70, yet other matches get counted out in about 3 seconds.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slam thingee

Herb gets in the ring and seems to talk some shit to Steve Ray, who then takes a swing at Herb. So Herb runs behind 'Dr. Death' for safety. Apparently some sort of personal issue here, or maybe an attempt at some kind of worked shoot. Who the hell knows?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton wants to see you at The Beach Brawl! Is it The Beach Brawl or just Beach Brawl? I'm honestly confused...

B. Brian Blair vs Power Twin #1 (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos & Power Twin #2)
Aren't the Power Twins' names Larry and David? Holy shit - wouldn't Larry David be an awesome wrestling manager?!? Oh, we are just sticking with calling them "Power Twin #1" and "Power Twin #2" because Bruno straight up said he has zero interest in learning their names and who am I to argue with Bruno? The Power Twins keep swapping places like some sneaky bad guys, but Blair still keeps beating them up. He attempts his shitshooter so the other Power Twin hits him with a shoe. 

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification

'Jumping' Jim Brunzell runs out to make the save! Yay! It's the tag-team reunion no one asked for! So the director again cuts to the nerds in the crowd doing the worship thing.

I'm genuinely tempted to order Bruno's book the next time Book Depository give me a coupon.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still blasting his arms.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is back! He calls Terry Gordy a "young man" so I look it up and in 1991 holy shit Terry Gordy was 30 years-old! I would never have guessed that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Joshua Bengorian vs The Beast
This Bengorian guy looks like the biggest fucking dork and comes out to traditional Jewish music or something.

Apparently he's ex-Israeli military like Gal Gadot. The commentators choose to make fun of The Beast and I'm like 'guys, The Beast is actually the least awful thing happening here', because - unbelievably - Bengorian is more awful than he looks. Bruno quickly realises I'm right and starts burying the guy. Dude hits three clotheslines and Craig calls each one "The Israeli Airforce Bomber".

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via clothesline from the middle-rope that is also called The Israeli Airforce Bomber

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy turned out to be The Bounty Hunter - they're both tall and shit.

Herb tells us that Cactus Jack didn't show up for his quarter-final match against Bam Bam Bigelow and instead of showing us all the subsequent drama that took place in the ring, Herb describes it to us. Seriously. And then announces that the final of the tournament will be Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. So out of 3 matches only 1 dude actually had to win a match to make it to the final? And what happened to the 4th quarter final??

The commentators talk about Beach Brawl happening next week. Craig needs a fucking calendar.

Thoughts:

• This may actually be the worst tournament I've ever seen; one quarter-final was thrown out after 30 seconds, another wrestler advances without actually wrestling, and then another quarter-final didn't even take place. What in the actual fuck is this nonsense??
• Joshua Bengorian can go stick a dreidel up his pee hole.
• WCW was absolutely better this week. Me blowing my nose was better than this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 27

UWF Fury Hour Episode 27, 6th May 1991

It's Craig and Captain Lou Fucking Albano from Universal Studios in Florida again. Tonight! We get a rematch of Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, plus more information on The Beach Brawl - which will likely just be the same 30 second commercial of Herb screaming at me to order it.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Rico Federico
Albano says something about Orndorff being "a credit to his manhood" and... ok... Then he puts over Federico for being able to withstand a fucking armdrag.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff puts over Federico, but says he's looking forward to the tournament because it will be more competitive. I would imagine he's also looking forward to getting out of the sun.

Boris Zhukov vs Corporal Kirschner
Albano continues to mock the Russian national anthem with other random noises. He makes a comment about how Russians choke under pressure - all while the Russian is destroying his opponent.

Winner = Corporal Kirschner via rollup

Maybe Albano was right?

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Colonel Debeers defeated 'Iceman' King Parsons - those guys are still in the company? Or are we just going to count matches from previous shows? Don Muraco defeated Afa. According to Brian, both of these matches featured controversy. In the UWF?? I am in shock!

UWF wrestlers and random nerds all enjoy Super Weight Gain 3000.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos still likes this limo...

Herb shilling Universal Studios absolutely cheapens the whole experience.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's "guest" is Boris Zhukov. Albano says he has a big head. Zhukov enjoys taking money from Americans. Dude - you lost your last match. No one's paying you shit.

Ask The Wrestlers

He's been wrestling for 5 years?? Shockingly, he has not held any titles, but plans "on holding a lot more in the UWF!". More than zero? What a tremendous goal!

The Power Twins vs David Perry & SomeOther Jobberdude

John Tolos joins the commentary team and the show is immediately improved. Honestly, please replace Albano with this man. Tolos and Albano trade ugly jokes from the '50s. Albano complains about Tolos not paying attention to the wrestling; motherfucker, you spend every match just making terrible jokes and trying to put yourself over. Fuck off.

Winners = The Power Twins by possibly the Power Ending

Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

This is just very similar to their previous match. At this stage I'm trying to tune out the commentary before I'm forced to stick asparagus in my ears.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via disqualification

Herb tells us time constraints means we won't get to see the B. Brian Blair match he promised earlier? Well, then, I guess today's episode wasn't totally awful...

Thoughts:

• I still have another 2 episodes with Captain Lou Albano on "commentary".
• WCW this week featured Missy Hyatt beating up Paul Heyman, so I think I'll give that the win this week (although, that show was almost as bad as this nonsense)