2 April 2017
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 75,245
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, David Otunga
My thoughts before this viewing:
It's Good Friday! So I'm watching WrestleMania - which makes it Bad Friday?
I have no idea what to expect here... what's on the menu? Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar? Interesting... a rematch of their "classic" bout 13 years ago, featuring an old man who hasn't wrestled since their joke of a bout 13 years ago. What else? Undertaker vs Roman Reigns? Why should I care? AJ Styles!! Vs Shane fucking McMahon?? What in the actual fuck is that supposed to be?!?!
Fuck this show.
America the Beautiful
Tinashe? Who??
The crowd agrees and boos her into oblivion. But then they like her at the end because she sang about America and shit.
6/10
Opening Video Package
WrestleMania is an amusement park ride. Gawd these muthafuckers love their video game graphics. I wish WrestleMania was as fun as a video game.
2/10
New Day are our hosts this year. I'm not sure why WrestleMania ever needs a host; in my experience, the hosts appear at the start and then only return for some tragic unfunny skit. Maybe. It takes them half an hour to make their way to the ring, which gives WWE time to introduce all 97 different commentary teams. Michael Cole pretends to know everything about Final Fantasy so kids will think he's cool. It might work, because kids are stupid. Luckily, I'm not, so fuck him.
Ad for some shit WWE phone game. It's just Bejewelled Blitz but with WWE pictures.
Kill my phone.
Video Package
AJ Styles loses. A lot.
He's angry. So am I.
He better be getting paid some serious coin to put up with this nonsense.
5/10
AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
The commentary team are very offended that AJ would be fighting his "boss". But when Steve Austin did it, it was cool? Now they're hyping Shane like he's some sort of MMA legend. I guess that's why he throws the ugliest, fakest punches on the planet.
"Shane doesn't know fear!"
He also doesn't know how to wrestle. BUT he does know how to throw fake ugly punches.
Constantly. For 15 minutes. In fact, he's been winning this entire time - what the actual fuck is this?!? He's not a wrestler and AJ Styles is the best in the world. AJ should have come in and smoked this fucker in 2 minutes, not have Shane kick out of his finisher - and then AJ has to fight off 20 different fakeass looking BJJ submission attempts. Now the Spanish announce desk gets destroyed - first match? How are they supposed to call the action for the next 5 hours? Good luck with your coverage, Mexico - your announcers will have to watch the rest of the show on their phones. They'll need to sign up to the WWE Network right away. Actually, that means 2 new subscribers - smart thinking, WWE! Unlike having Shance McMahon look better than AJ FUCKING STYLES.
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Phenomenal Forearm and not any of his actual awesome finishers
4/10
Styles won but was made to look like a chump.
Fuck this show.
Snickers made another ad where some loser eats a Snickers and then turns into Ric Flair's daughter.
Next year I will eat a Snickers with WrestleMania. And a shotgun.
Video Package
Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens were the best of friends! Except Owens was just pretending. So Jericho put Owens on his "list". Is it a list of people who think Y2J is lame and should fuck off? Feel free to add me to it.
2/10
US Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs Kevin Owens
Twitter likes Jericho's light-up scarf. Muthafuckers obviously need to pay attention at Xmas. If it were Xmas now, I wouldn't have to be watching WrestleMania. Let's go Xmas! *Clap clap clap clap*
Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following powerbomb thing on the ring apron that no one cared about
3/10
New champion!
Aaaaaand I'm bored already. Maybe I should try some tequila. Or at least overdosing on Easter eggs?
Ad for the next event - Payback.
Fuck that show, too.
They give thanks to Tinashe for singing tonight. The cover for her new single is mighty skanky, so thanks for that too?
Video Package
It looks like Charlotte and Sasha had like 158 matches. Seems boring - are there no other women in this company? Oh, now we have Bayley who I'm completely indifferent towards until they show a picture of her as a child with Bret Hart, so clearly now she must win. None of this matters, because the whole thing is set to the cheesiest music possible and is just a promo for some teen drama series like The OC.
4/10
Women's Championship
Fatal 4-Way
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Champ out first because not even a photo with Bret Hart means Bayley has personality. It just means Bret Hart will take a picture with anyone - which gives me great hope, should I ever meet him. The happy inflatable things are cooler than anyone in this match.
Nia Jax is the only woman in the history of WWE that isn't just a playboy stripper. She's The Rock's cousin and, according to Corey Graves, "wants to have the same WrestleMania success as The Rock". Didn't The Rock lose every big match he ever had at WrestleMania? I mean, he lost 3 consecutive main events at his best - if that's your goal, then feel free to aim for the fucking bottom.
Shasha gets a car or something to take her to the ring - pays to have a relative more famous than you or the WWE. Her and Bayley just look like a couple of kids playing dress-up or something - there is nothing believable about them being wrestlers whatsoever.
These entrances are taking forever. They've taken so long I could have made my birthday cake, then celebrated my birthday and eaten the cake, then done my dishes. It's not my birthday for another month. I'm totally going to order pizza and not watch WrestleMania.
Nia just destroys these women and it makes me smile. The highlight of the fucking show is watching a fat lady beat these chicks with ease. I'm telling you, being fat is a completely underrated skill in pro-wrestling.
Nia eliminated via pinfall
Oh cool - you finally get a woman that is a big unstoppable monster... and then have her stopped right away.
Sasha eliminated via head hitting an exposed turnbuckle
That's a great move. Everyone should use it all the time - except do it harder so it knocks them all out and they stop wrestling.
Winner = Bayley via pinfall on Charlotte following top rope elbow drop
4/10
Commentators call it the "Macho Man elbow". Does it make her opponent have a heart attack and crash? Apparently Randy Savage is her hero, despite her being a mere child when he died and she's probably never even seen one of his matches. But whatever.
Hall of Fame Class of 2018
They actually inducted some legit people for once. Except for some dude in a wheelchair whose only tie to pro-wrestling is he maybe bought a John Cena t-shirt once. I'm here writing about every WrestleMania ever so I am way more deserving. Kurt Angle spilled milk all over his tuxedo - someone please find that man a doctor.
WWE Tag-Team Titles
Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass
New Day are back because they've remembered they are hosting and probably only get paid per appearance. And they're still dressed as pirates... so they add the The Hardy Boyz to the match.
WWE Tag-Team Titles
Fatal 4-Way Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs The Hardy Boyz
Holy shit these guys have aged 100 years since they were last here. How on Earth did they pass the drug tests?
"The crowd is in shock!"
No they aren't - mutherfuckers were chanting for the Hardy's before New Day even came out. The crowd knew what was going down. Probably better than the Hardy's.
Wait - a fatal 4-way ladder match? How the fuck does that even make sense? You can't eliminate people in a ladder match! Fucking stupid WWE are so fucking stupid they don't even understand how their own fucking matches work. Fuck you.
But that match was a lot of fun. So fuck me?
Winners = The Hardy Boyz via Matt Hardy climbing a ladder and not failing a drug test. Yet.
8/10
New champions!
Ad for the WWE Network.
Everything it has to offer can be downloaded for free. Or not. I have better things to watch.
Fuck your network.
Jimmy Fallon is in the crowd, if you needed more reasons to hate the guy.
Video Package
Maryse tried talking shit to John Cena, but her trash-talk is so terrible not even he can keep a straight face. You know, despite WWE's money and resources, Miz and Maryse make shittier YouTube videos than your average basement High School student.
6/10
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse
Special Guest Commentator: Jerry "the King" Lawler
Special Guest Ring Announcer: Al Roker
This is such a big deal we need Jerry Lawler to make his perverted comments? Al Roker calls himself "Chocolate Thunder". BWAHAHAHAHAHA I'm actually laughing my ass off right now. This show has immediately improved beyond belief. End now and you get top marks!
Instead you continue... and... give me... The Miz?
Fuck you.
The Miz is such a superstar that the WWE consider his entrance the perfect time introduce the other 621 commentary teams for all the third-world countries.
As always, the fans get a kick out of someone beating up John Cena. Though I don't understand their joy this year - The Miz is fucking terrible.
And now I've lost sound. I'd complain, but it means I no longer have to listen to JBL and Jerry Lawler. This show truly has improved!
Winners = John Cena & Nikki Bella via double pinfall
3/10
John Cena is so happy about finally defeating The Miz at WrestleMania that he asks some woman named Stephanie to marry him. Nikki Bella says yes her place? Odd. And now grown men in the front row are straight up bawling while John and Nikki make out in the middle of the ring.
Video Package
HHH made Seth Rollins a star! But Seth followed the H Bomb's example by getting injured all the time, and that shit only flies when you're married to the boss' daughter. I miss Rollins' hairstyle with the white streak. And his naked pictures. You know what I don't miss but would love to? HHH. And Metallica. It's actually like WWE hate me.
5/10
Unsanctioned Match
Seth Rollins vs HHH
Well now, let's see how much they decided to spend on Big Nose Jerk Face's entrance this year...
Oh, this year he has a team of motorcycle cops to accompany him to the ring. And he has his own stupid ugly bike. It doesn't even sound tough - just sounds like a toy. This guy... he does strike me as the type to get a motorbike in order to combat some sort of midlife crisis.
Holy zombie Jeebus, he really does make me hate the show so fucking much. How about next WrestleMania you put this asshole on first so I can get all the bad shit out of the way immediately? He looks like he's been following the Vince McMahon diet of tanning and steroid sandwiches. Maybe he could also follow the Vince McMahon "looks like he's about to die" lifestyle and fuck off?
Seth Rollins thinks he is Kane and turns the runway into some sort of magic lava that only he can walk on.
Hey now - they replaced the broken table from earlier? Better make sure you break this one as well, then.
You know, for an "unsanctioned" match, they sure are doing a whole lot of basic pro-wrasslin'.
Apparently, shouting "I want to cripple Seth Rollins" is cryptic? Sounds pretty fucking clear to me. That's like when I say "I want tequila". Who knows what I'm asking for, right? Tequila? A Volkswagon?
Fuck you, commentators.
Why does Stephanie have to keep waiting for the referee to be distracted before she can interfere? This is an "unsanctioned" match - there are no rules! She could be in the ring all the time, just kicking Seth Rollins in the balls. In fact, if the WWE have not "sanctioned" this match, why did they provide a referee? And a ring? And a time slot in the biggest show of the year?
Rollins and HHH trade submission moves - but it just comes across like they're hugging.
According to Corey douchehaircut Graves, Rollins has the flu, which "might actually aid him in this fight!". Because if you talk to any Olympian, they'll tell you how they compete at their very best when they are sick and injured. At weigh-ins for combat sports, the fighters usually say stuff like "I had a great training camp and I'm feeling in shape, ready to take him on! It's a real bummer. I wish I were sick, because I think that would be really give me the edge in our fight!"
Corey Graves now thinks "Cerebral Assassin" means beating people with sledgehammers. Fucking. Moron.
"This is very, VERY real!"
No, it's not. It's fucking acting. Most of it terrible. Seth Rollins and HHH aren't even their real fucking names.
You know what would have been fun? Seth Rollins vs AJ Styles. They could have had HHH open the show with a long, shitty match against Shane McMahon, and then had AJ Styles against Seth Rollins - minus the fake injury that has kept him from doing anything awesome in this match. I'm pretty sure I would have given more than one shit about that match. I would have given all of the shits!
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following pedigree
5/10
Musical Performance
Pitbull with Stephen Marley. Pitbull hangs out with Enrique Iglesias and that is cool. Pity his music is balls and not cool. Anyone that needs to rap with another vocal track is garbage in my books. Oh great, now some other fat dude is here to sing along. They've just got the song up loud and these three are singing along. Barely.
1/10
And that 1 is only because some of the dancers are hot.
Dancers have the best butts.
Video Package
Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt were enemies. Then best friends. Now they're enemies again because Randy was just pretending! Wrestlers really suck at knowing who their friends are. Y'all should get some friends outside of wrestling - but not me. I think you're all stupid.
2/10
WWE Championship
Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt (c)
Champ out first again? Maybe everyone sucks so much that they just don't even care anymore?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is the worst graphic I've seen since that kid and his photoshop for WM17
It's fucking 2017. WWE has money but can't do something better than that? A kid with an iPhone could do a better job. Sharknado could do a better job!
I'd like to know what Corey Graves and his stupid haircut think "apex predator" means. Randy hunts apexes?
More stupid graphics BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Winner = Randy Orton via not succumbing to the black hole of terrible projections
2/10
New champion!
I think the crowd cared even less than me.
When you are sweaty and pulling a stupid face, Tapout is the clothing for you!
Ad for Total Divas.
I'd sooner review WrestleMania 34.
Recap of some planes flying earlier so they can introduce some dudes that want to be like Val Kilmer. Or me. I was fucking ace at F-14 Tomcat on the Commodore 64.
Video Package
Goldberg became a legend when he did the unthinkable and defeated La Parka! Oh, and he beat Brock Lesnar twice or something. So now they have to fight again? Paul Heyman makes it all seem way more important than it probably is. And yet still not as important as defeating La Parka.
8/10
WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs Brock Lesnar
Paul Heyman also announces Brock Lesnar because he does everything better than anyone else in the WWE. Hahahahaha these guys only have two wrestling moves between them; all Goldberg do is the "spear" and all Lesnar can do is suplex (city, bitch). It's like I am playing a wrestling game but I'm not even good enough to mash the buttons. Eventually, Brock decides he is tired from all the suplexes and ends the game before he dies.
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following 10 German suplexes and an F5
7/10
New champion!
Brock Lesnar finally defeats Goldberg? Took him 20 years and 3 attempts. Bret Hart beat Goldberg twice - so Brock Lesnar is only half as good as Bret Hart.
Corey Graves didn't watch Superman II with his eyes open and thinks Superman lost.
Buy WWE merch! 33% off my entire order? Wow - that's only 67% I'm totally not interested in paying!
Oh shit, I'd forgotten there was another match - I was about to pack up and go home.
Smackdown Women's Championship - I don't even know what this is called
Alexa Bliss (c) vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Nattie vs Naomi
Naomi decides to use as much of energy as she possibly can by having her own private dance party on the stage and on her way to the ring.
That seems like a great plan right before the biggest match of your career. Her slogan is "Feel the Glow!" You can't make this shit up! Well, actually you can because someone did. You just have to be a fucking moron.
Becky Lynch still looks like a troll from Labyrinth.
Mickie James thinks she is Tatanka.
I'm like a reporter at the OSCARs asking women what they are wearing and commenting on their outfits, instead of asking them anything relevant or paying attention to their skills and accomplishments. Except most actresses deserve respect and dress awesome at the OSCARS. These women have a stupid job, aren't good at their stupid job and look stupid while doing it. Poorly.
Turns out the first person to get a pin wins the championship, so the current champion just hides and doesn't even get involved 90% of the match.
No.
Sense.
Ever.
Winner = Naomi via some weird submission thing
2/10
You mean that the hometown girl that was given an entrance the length and spectacle of all the other women's combined - including the current champion - was booked to win the match? Shocking!
Feel the glow!
Ad for Payback.
Why do they even bother advertising these shows? The only way I can watch is on the WWE Network, which I must already be subscribed to if I am watching this show. It doesn't cost any extra. I'd declare that a bargain, but this shit's not even worth my internet usage to illegally download.
New Day are back! Of course - the other job of the "host" is to announce the attendance number! Good job, New Day. You are 3 wrestlers at the biggest wrestling event of the year and WWE can't even be bothered booking you in a wrestling match. You should be proud.
Video Package
The Undertaker is old. He and Roman Reigns both think they are dogs living in a yard. I can probably excuse Undertaker for that, as he has taken many a blow to the head over his career. And is old. Then we get some highlights of The Undertaker's career. Foreboding...
6/10
The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
Guest commentator: Jim Ross
JR is here to commentate? More foreboding...
And no disqualification? EVEN MORE FOREBODING...
If this is The Undertaker's final match, he better come dressed as an undertaker again and shoot some lightning bolts and bring his urn - none of this old man leather cowboy nonsense, ok? If he came out in his Limp Bizkit redneck biker outfit, that would actually be the funniest.
Nope - old man leather cowboy. Lame. And now the commentators are hyping Roman as the underdog. More lame.
Now Roman is a "young machine". I thought he was a dog and he was intruding on Undertaker's yard?
They keep saying Undertaker is the "greatest performer in WrestleMania history!". Muthafuckers should be forced to watching his first 10 WrestleMania matches and then find the balls to say that.
Wait - now this is the biggest match in Roman Reigns' career? Uh, last year he was in the main event for the WWE Championship in front of the biggest crowd in WWE history. But sure, you're right - wrestling an old man that is basically retired in front of a smaller crowd and with no championship implications is totally more important.
This was apparently a "Superman punch":
Well, that explains Corey Graves' plot description of Superman II. He obviously watched a movie about a retard kid playing wrestling, probably saw a Superman t-shirt in it, is a retard himself, and assumed "FHOYFODSHFLNJ SUUUUPERMAN OERIUELLDHFS".
Fuck you, Corey Graves.
Roman Reigns is now "a monster. But Undertaker is a
legitimate monster!"
So, Roman is just a fake monster? Is he like a dude online pretending to be a monster but he's really just a dog machine? I don't know, a dog machine sounds
a lot like a monster. Or at least, something a monster would battle.
This match is just a one-sided beatdown that shamelessly mimics Undertaker's previous WrestleMania matches with HBK and HHH. Except with Roman doing the beating. Because Undertaker is old. And Roman Reigns is the new young dog machine faux monster.
Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following punches and spears and other boring shit
3/10
"Roman Reigns is the future!"
Seriously?
Muthafucka has now main-evented the last THREE WrestleManias - he's the fucking now!
This says a lot about the state of WWE; when The Rock was in his third WrestleMania main event, he was the biggest star in the company and on the verge of Hollywood stardom. Roman Reigns main events for the third time and people still barely give a shit about him. Hell, he's about to main event his FOURTH WrestleMania and is probably liked even less!
Celebrations
The crowd chant for "Undertaker" so he puts all his gear back on and gives the crowd a little twirl, then takes it all off again and leaves it in the ring for someone else to deal with. Lazy bastard. I get that it is heavy and you've just had a long match and the walk to the back is long, but your sweaty gloves and coat and hat should be your responsibility. Fucking diva.
WrestleMania XXXIII: The Awards
- Best Match
I have to go with the Fatal(ly Flawed) Four-Way Tag Team Ladder Match. It was way more fun than I had anticipated.
- Worst Match
Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt. As if the boredom was bad enough, we got some shitty pictures on the ring to complete the cycle of suck.
- Highlight of the Show
Hmmm... AJ Styles did some cool moves. There was a picture of Bret Hart. Hot dancers, maybe?
- Lowlight of the Show
Those graphics they projected during the Wyatt/Orton match. Ooooh Bray Wyatt you are so scary!
- Star of the Show
A.J. Fucking. Styles! Dude was saddled with Shane McMahon and still did his best to make it awesome. He failed, but he fucking tried!!!
- Best Celebrity Appearance
I don't know... the cover for Tinashe's single?
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
Pitbull and his collection of idiots. Well done, Jimmy Fallon - your annoyingness was outdone.
- Tonight's Meal
This time I went with straight up vege wraps; baby spinach, red onion, red & green capsicum, mushroom, tomato, avocado and olives topped with an aubergine & cashew hummus. Quite refreshing!
- T-Shirt Cleanliness
I tried to make a mess on it to distract me from the stupidity of this show. I couldn't even get that right. Thanks WWE!
- Overall Score
Again, soooooo fucking long! OK, not nearly as long as that last exercise in torture... but still! The entrances were all unnecessary - next time they do one of these giant stadiums, they should use that little cart they had for WrestleMania III so we don't have to wait 7 minutes for each wrestler to get to the ring. And so many fucking ads! Is that what your WWE Network fee pays for each month? A bunch of shitty ads for shitty products? If I were a subscriber, I'd want a refund. And less shitty wrestling.
4 out of 10
