WrestleMania March Madness, Day Thirteen: WrestleMania XIII

23 March 1997

Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA

Attendance: 18,197

Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

I use Roman numerals in all of my titles because they look cooler.

It's Friday the 13th! Time for the horror of WrestleMania 13...

My thoughts before this viewing:
I can't recall the first time I saw this show. I can't really recall many matches from it either. That's because there is really only one match that matters on this show. Not only because it was the greatest match, but it also led to my favourite angle in pro-wrestling history. 1997 was a good year to be a fan. Until November. And not during WrestleMania. Let's see if this show can break the trend and make some sort of impression in my WrestleMania collection...

Opening Video Package
Recap of the previous WrestleManias - including Pamela Anderson & Jenny McCarthy's cleavage at WrestleMania XI. Glad they are reminiscing over the important things.

Bret Hart is called an "angry young" man. Love it! Super serious voice!
7/10

That totally looks like the cover of an old Playstation game.

Again, no musical performance, just straight to the wrestling. Kind of kills the big show feel of WrestleMania. But also means I don't have to hear how great America is.

Backstage
Todd Pettingill meets The New Blackjacks. They look like they've come straight from a gay bar.
2/10

4 Team Elimination Match
The Godwinns vs The Headbangers vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs The New Blackjacks
Here are your rules:

None of that matters much because about 2 minutes in The New Blackjacks are disqualified and Furnas & LaFon are counted out at the exact same time. Apparently Bill Clinton jokes are still necessary. As well as jokes about Vince McMahon being old.
Winners = The Headbangers via pinfall
3/10

These are The Headbangers:

And these are not:

The Honky Tonk Man appears to do guest commentary and sing along with his theme.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Rocky Maivia (c) vs The Sultan (w/The Iron Sheik & Bob Backlund)

In case you didn't know, Rocky Maivia is Dwayne Johnson on his way to becoming The Rock.

It's hilarious seeing him show glimpses of his awesome but the crowd are so incredibly indifferent towards the guy. That would soon turn to hatred.
Winner = Rocky Maivia
4/10

The bad guys attack after the match and Vince complains that The Sultan is a sore loser; remember all the earlier WrestleManias when the good guys would lose and then beat up the bad guys for winning? Rocky's Dad comes out to save him. Seriously, you need your Dad to save you from the bad guys? No wonder the fans started chanting "Rocky sucks!".

Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Ken Shamrock, direct from the UFC. Pre-WWF Ken Shamrock was the man.
4/10

Backstage
Doc Hendrix talks with Hunter Hearst Helmsley with Chyna. Hunter says rude things because that's all he knows how to do.
1/10

Highlights of The Slammy Awards
Yes that's a real thing. Owen Hart stole awards, Shawn Michaels acted like a dick and women wore skimpy bikinis.

Goldust (w/Marlena) vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Chyna)

I had forgotten what Chyna looked like before her plastic surgery. Goldust told the commentators that he is concerned for Marlena's welfare at ringside - so why bring her to the ring? Why not leave her backstage, or bring someone else to look after her, or even just leave her at home where she can wrap up in blankets and watch some Sunset Beach? Chyna ends up grabbing Marlena and shaking her around so much it looks like someone shaking a mannequin or something. It is almost comical.
Winner = Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pinfall following pedigree
3/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) vs Mankind & Vader (w/Paul Bearer)
A 'bad guys vs bad guys' match? Wow, I bet this will go down well...

Jim Ross ambushes Owen and Bulldog on their way to the ring and tries to stir shit between them. Bulldog has 2 belts and Owen has 2 Slammys - fuck off, Jim Ross.

Paul Bearer is almost as fat as Yokozuna. And Mankind now has possession of The Undertaker's urn - and it is yet another size and shape. And just as empty.
Double countout
4/10

Video Package
Bret Hart is struggling with the changes in the WWF. Steve Austin represents those changes and the Hitman must make him pay.
8/10

Submission Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Guest Referee: Ken Shamrock

Ken Shamrock looks absolutely jacked.

Steve Austin makes a pretty awesome entrance with some smashing glass.

And Bret Hart comes to the ring like a man on a mission.

That mission?
Have an awesome match.

Mission accomplished.
Winner = Bret Hart via sharpshooter
10/10

Steve Austin never gave up - while in the sharpshooter and with his face covered in blood, he passed out from the pain and Shamrock awarded the match to the Hitman.

After the match, Bret beats up on Austin some more so Ken Shamrock challenges Bret to throw down.

Bret gets pissed and leaves.
Can I add another 10?

Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with the Nation of Domination. There sure are a lot of them. And they say they have stuff with which to beat up their opponents with.
3/10

Chicago Street Fight
Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson vs Nation of Domination
Having to follow that match? No thanks.

Lots of fighting and brawling with garbage cans, road signs and fire extinguishers. Though there was a funny moment with a 2x4:

Winners = Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson via pinfall
3/10

They keep brawling and then they brawl some more.

Shawn Michaels comes out to do commentary for the main event and gets a full intro with pyro and everything. He also forgets to pretend his leg is injured and then remembers every so often.

Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Sycho Sid. He is not afraid of the dark and likes to mumble.
3/10

Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
The Undertaker vs Sycho Sid (c)

Aware that he is better than everyone else, Bret Hart can't let them start the match before he tells everyone what he thinks of them.

So Sid powerbombs him. Dick. Shawn Michaels is especially annoying on commentary - not as annoying as that time he did commentary while drunk or high or whatever he was, but still annoying. The guy is a complete tool. Hilariously, he goes on about what both men are like to fight against in the ring, yet 6 months from now he will have a match with The Undertaker that was billed as their first ever. He says he misses being in the last match at WrestleMania - dude you've done it once. Once out of the 8 WrestleManias you have performed in. And you've actually lost most of those matches.
Realising this match sucks, Bret Hart comes back and beats Sid with a chair.

Payback is a bitch, Sid.

Vince calls Bret a loser. Fuck you Vince - Bret Hart won his match tonight! Sid's the loser.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
New Champion!
5/10
And 4 of those points are because of Bret Hart's involvement.

The Undertaker celebrates while his theme plays us out.

WrestleMania XIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
   Just a ridiculous match. There isn't a moment that slows down while these two "angry young men" try to destroy each other. The 'double-turn' at the end worked perfectly and this set Austin up as an absolute star.
2. Worst Match
   Goldust vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
   Just a really boring match. Like most matches lately.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart being awesome. Seriously, if I could get my hands on some classic mid-90s Bret Hart merch I would be a very happy man.
   I didn't have to change anything from yesterday.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Shawn Michaels on commentary in the main event.
5. Star of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart. He was all over this show, from having a crazy awesome match and making Steve Austin into a star, to interrupting the boredom of the main event to continue being a jerk and hammering home that he really is now the biggest bad guy in the company. Incredible, considering he started this show as one of the biggest good guys. That's what makes him the best!
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
8. Tonight's Meal
   To commemorate the departure of Bret Hart, I decided something very different; simple wrap filled with my patented nacho mixture (refried beans, tomatoes, beans, creamed corn & spices) and sour cream. This was my messiest meal so far, but was incredibly delicious. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. Back to Pepsi Next because I really enjoy this beverage.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Incredibly, I managed to not spill anything on my shirt tonight. Considering how much food ended up on my face, I consider this a major victory equivalent with becoming the UFC heavyweight champion.
10. Overall Score
    This show is a lot like WrestleMania XII. Except this show doesn't have a great main event to save it. What it does have, however, is an incredible match halfway through that saves it. There are almost no backstage promos, no time wasting, but the other things are starting to creep in - they will make their presence more known in the next couple of shows. The hardest thing is saying goodbye to the Hitman - though at least he went out with one of the greatest matches possible. Without him this show would have been a complete waste of time.
    4.5 out of 10
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twelve: WrestleMania XII

31 March 1996
Arrowhead Pond
Anaheim, California - USA

Attendance: 18,853

Commentators: Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon

My thoughts before this viewing:
I probably watched this around 1997/98 - before WrestleMania XI, though. Which is probably lucky because if I had watch that show first I probably wouldn't have bothered with this one. Though if I had watched XI first, I would probably think better of XII. I remember enjoying it the first time I saw it, however. I at least remember most of the match-ups, if not how the matches go. Of course The Ultimate Warrior is back and that is something people still talk about (you'll see why). And then there is the main event. The main event that takes up half the show. I've actually watched that a few times as well, for some odd reason. Bret 'Hitman' Hart? Shawn Michaels? Yeah, they are pretty cool. So let's see what we can see in two thousand and fifteen...

Opening Video Package
Nothing but hype for the main event in super serious voice. Hells to the yeah!
9/10

Vince and Lawler hype the show and we are straight into it - no national anthem, no America the Beautiful, just straight to the action! I guess when your main event is your show there isn't much pointing wasting time.

Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson & Jake 'the Snake' Roberts vs Vader, The British Bulldog & Owen Hart (w/Jim Cornette)

Would you believe that Yokozuna is now even fatter? Dude looks like a Volkswagon in spandex.

Lawler thinks you should stomp on snakes. That's a great safety lesson for the kids at home. Jake Roberts has still got it. Kinda. His appearance is ironic, because the pre-show was based around Vince making fun of Hulk Hogan and 'Macho Man' Randy Savage for being old.
Winners = Vader via pinfall following splash
4/10

Doc Hendrix is running the hotline tonight. You remember those old party lines they used to advertise on late night TV? Yeah - Sunny totally makes it look like one of those.

Video Package
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper is now the President of the WWF. Well that explains everything! Goldust has a crush on him but Piper has never supported equality for anyone so this means violence! Yay homophobia!
4/10

Hollywood Backlot Brawl
Piper is out the back with a baseball bat and bashes in Goldust's car.

Then he throws him into the catering table. Dammit, Piper - there are kids starving in Africa who would have eaten that food!

I've never noticed before just how much Piper snarls and growls - no wonder he had such an issue with Mr. T. He was probably intimidated by someone who had a much scarier growl. Goldust gets in like one punch before jumping back in his car to run over Piper. Then he flees the area so Piper jumps in a big white truck to chase him. Hey, you remember back around this time when OJ Simpson led the police in a car chase and he was driving a big white truck? Surely that is just a coincidence...
1/10

Backstage
Doc Hendrix is talking to Savio Vega. And I do mean talking TO; Doc says about 3,000 words which only leaves Savio time for about 4 and a half.
1/10

Savio Vega vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin (w/'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase)
Steve Austin is now the million dollar champion - does that mean he beat Ted Dibiase for it?

Vince gets the two competitors confused. Savio Vega is a beefy lation and Steve Austin is a bald white guy - totally easy mistake to make.
Roddy Piper calls from his truck. Pay attention to the road, ya goof! He says he is going to chase Goldust to Tijuana. Dude, the luchadores in Tijuana would destroy you and Goldust before you could eat a burrito. I recommend you turn around and stay in the safety of the WWF. Or just fuck off.
If the million dollar belt is worth a million dollars, why would you risk damaging it by hitting people with it? Imagine if it knocked out one of the jewels or chipped the gold. I'm sure the cost of repairs would outweigh the money you get for winning a match.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via submission following beatdown with the million dollar belt
4/10

Footage of Roddy Piper driving his white truck - which totally isn't just footage of the OJ Simpson car chase. No, not at all.

Backstage
Mr. Perfect interviews Diesel. In typical Diesel fashion, he just no sells everything involving The Undertaker. This guy... Then he says he will "take cool" of him. Worst WWF champion ever.
1/10

More Roddy Piper car chase nonsense. I applaud Vince McMahon for trying to make a show worse than WrestleMania XI.

The Ultimate Warrior vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Helmsley really has the biggest nose. And Sable has always had loopy eyes.

According to Jerry Lawler's sources, the Warrior is now 400 pounds and has a shaved head. For a moment I thought this was so they could pull a swerve and bring out King Kong Bundy...

HHH throws everything at the Warrior - even hits him with the dreaded pedigree, which no one gets up from! But Warrior gonna Warrior...

Grunt snarl ROAR!
Winner = The Ultimate Warrior via pinfall following destruction
4/10

Shill for merch.
Wow the prices are going up! And now they even offer monthly payment plans. That denim WrestleMania XII jacket will surely make you the talk of the town!
shill for merch

Backstage
Todd meets a new superstar called Little Richard Marc Mero and gives him his first introduction to the WWF fans... by fucking up his name. What a great start! Then he rumbles with Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Mero is lucky it is 1996 and not 2006 or he'd be blackballed for that.
1/10

More Piper/OJ car chase footage. Urgh.


The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs Diesel
Diesel swears right into the camera and Vince acts like it didn't happen. If that had been anyone else he would have offered an apology to the viewers and said bad things. Shows you who his favourites are, huh? The Undertaker really needs to revisit this look at least once more before he retires.

The urn is now small again. It's the attention to detail that really captures the WWF fans.
The Ultimate Warrior is now on the hotline. Damn, that would be well worth $2 a minute. Someone wanna lend me a phone?
I actually enjoy reading the signs in the crowd. Tonight there is an out of work musician looking for people to jam with. Because WrestleMania is totally the best place for that.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10

The Ultimate Warrior is now at the online table. How on earth did the internet make it past 1996?

Piper and Goldust are back. Gawdam the pain won't stop! They head to the ring after nearly crashing their cars into each other - this is some stupid dangerous stuff. Goldust kisses Piper, which causes him to 'hulk up' and then grab Goldust's balls before spanking him. I thought Piper was angry because he hated that sort of thing? Then Piper strips him and it turns out Goldust wears women's under-garments.
-3/10

OK, Piper, you can fuck off to WCW now.

You can also order a plaque commemorating tonight's main event. It will even include an actual piece of the canvas they wrestle on. If Bret Hart wins, put me down for 3.

Video Package
Some hype for the main event. It's OK, but the one to start the show was better. And the one they had on the pre-show was even better.
4/10

Gorilla Monsoon is named the new president of the WWF. I guess beating up wrestlers for expressing a different sexual orientation finally got noticed by someone.

60 Minute Iron Man Match
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Bret 'Hitman' Hart (c) vs Shawn Michaels (w/José Lothario)
Shawn Michaels rides a flying fox from the top of the stadium and into the crowd. Hot damn that looks impressive!

But Bret Hart doesn't need to do flashy shit like that be the man - he is cool as cucumber.

So the winner of this match is the man who can get the most amount of falls during the 60 minutes. And guess what? There are no falls.

Draw

Gorilla Monsoon decides we need to have a definitive winner, so he orders the match to continue under sudden death rules. Bret is pissed, and fair enough - he didn't agree to this crap!

Shawn Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere and gets the pin.
Winner = Shawn Michaels via pinfall following Sweet Chin Music superkick
8/10

Shawn Michaels celebrates so long they have to keep looping his music but they do it in a really weird place that makes it super noticeable.

Highlights of the show to that great WrestleMania theme music to send us out.

WrestleMania X: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs Shawn Michaels
   They had better matches, but even their worst match would have been better than everything else on this show. The idea to have no falls in the 60 minutes was both good and bad, but overall it was a really good match.
2. Worst Match
   Savio Vega vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
   Close call but I give it to this because the Warrior/HHH match quick and kinda funny when you look at it with today's context.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart being awesome. Seriously, if I could get my hands on some classic mid-90s Bret Hart merch I would be a very happy man.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Showing footage of OJ Simpson running from the police while under suspicion of murder and trying to pretend it is 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper chasing Goldust.
5. Star of the Show
   Shawn Michaels. WWF made it as clear as they could that he was their guy and you should love him as well, what with that awesome entrance and the way Vince McMahon celebrated everything he did. Kudos, because he didn't suck the way did Diesel did.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was something different; I cooked up some Indian pakoras and onion bahji, then put them with beetroot & garlic hummus, baby spinach, red onion, capsicum, tomato, cucumber and topped it all with mango chutney and yoghurt & garlic sauce. Was rather delicious. I'm exhausted right now so Pepsi Max was the only thing that could keep me alive. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was actually kinda tasty tonight.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I overfilled my wraps so now my t-shirt is overfilled with stains. Also, the iron-on transfer isn't holding up so well...
10. Overall Score
    Notice I didn't say a lot about this show? That's because there wasn't a lot to talk about - it was the very definition of a one match show. No promos. A few matches. This show was just here. The main event is definitely great, but being over an hour it isn't something you sit down to watch all the time. And even then, I have it in my blu-ray collection of the Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels feud so I wouldn't bother coming to WrestleMania XII to see it.
    4.5 out of 10