UWF Fury Hour: Episode 17

UWF Fury Hour Episode 17, 11th February 1991

Tonight! We will see a bunch of matches we were supposed to see earlier - including the ending of that anticipated Mr. Wonderful/Dr. Death match they couldn't be bothered playing in full. But this week might be better because THE VIKING is here!

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
Bruno claims David is unhappy with Larry Zybysko lying about retiring Bruno. He also questions David's strategy during the match and decides his son needs to put on a bit more weight.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock, which is why he worked on Spicolli's fucking arm for the whole match... 

Ivan Koloff vs Riki Ataki
Craig thinks Ataki may be a force to be reckoned with. He at least does get in a few moves today... but then Ivan does what Ivan does.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Million Dollar Dream?

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
We actually pick up where we left off last time and I have no idea what was happening then. Someone is bleeding and Craig and Bruno argue over who it is. It's so odd to wait so long to air the rest of the match - especially with this fucking finish.

Draw via double disqualification

All the jobbers come out to try and separate them.

Captain Lou's Corner
Captain Lou Albano knows about water! And here comes Sunny Beach. Why is a total redneck doing a surfer gimmick? Albano believes he is proof the UWF are bringing in the best of the best. I believe he is proof this is shit.

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Jobbery Jobjob
Herb informs us 'Mr. Wonderful' and 'Dr. Death' have signed the contract for a lumberjack match when the UWF returns to New York. Oh wow! Another match you'll make a total mess of. Colonel DeBeers is back and so is his eye patch? Bruno wants to see 'Iceman's reaction - Bruno wants some drama!

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via punch. Seriously.

And nothing happened with DeBeers... so that was pointless.

And then in one swift bumper, Herb Abrams shows me why he is the greatest promoter of all time:

'Mr. Wonderful' ain't no wimp!

THE VIKING vs The Intern
The Viking smashes a fan's seat with his hammer.

The Intern actually gets in a few moves - he even has The Viking wobbled! Da fuq?!? So The Viking slams him.

Winner = The Viking via powerslam

Bruno thinks that is the end of his internship. Hahahaha.

Ask The Wrestlers

Bruno puts over the wrestlers of his generation because he hasn't wrestled the UWF roster. And he's realistic.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Barry O
Not even Herb or Craig have anything interesting to say about this match. And neither do I.

Draw via time limit expired

Thoughts:

• Fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 16

UWF Fury Hour Episode 16, 28th January 1991

We open with a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud. 'Dr. Death' warns of a bloodbath about twenty times. Herb calls their upcoming match "the match of the year". Bold statement to make in the first month of the year. And when their last match was awful.

Craig and Bruno are expecting a war! They're also talking about B. Brian Blair and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. I'm actually surprised that isn't the main event for next week - I thought they would want to space out all this excitement. Oh and tonight we get the debut of a guy called 'Sunny Beach'. I can't wait...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Louie Spicolli
'Wild Thing' gets in the ring and then spots some drunk girls, so he leaves the ring to give them hugs.

Spicolli gets out of the ring and 'Wild Thing' starts counting him out? I'd wonder why he thinks he is the referee, but the referee for this match is super old and slow.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via flying crossbody

I think 'Wild Thing' actually got in like 3 offensive moves.

David Sammartino runs down Ivan Koloff's accomplishments... like beating his Dad.

David Sammartino vs Ivan Koloff
Bruno talks a lot about David needing a different strategy against someone the calibre of Koloff. Koloff tries to do the chain on the turnbuckle trick to David, but David reverses it and Koloff hits the turnbuckle & chain - that's a good strategy. Koloff tries the 'pin with his feet on the ropes' trick, but the referee actually sees it. They brawl outside on the concrete carpet. Koloff suplexes David back in the ring at the count of 10.

Winner = David Sammartino via countout

Bruno is just like 'What a shitty way to win for that kid'. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff doesn't want to be thrown around, so he blasts his arms!

'

The Golden Greek' John Tolos shilling the limousine will never be unenjoyable.

Sunny Beach vs Mike Williams

Craig: "He's surfing in the ring!"
Dude is wrestling in a wetsuit? He's the most redneck surfer I've ever seen. At least do a Michelangelo voice or something!

Winner = Sunny Beach via shitfest

'Cowboy' Bob Orton thinks he is going to end B. Brian Blair's career. John Tolos talks about a tarantula and an albino and "all those other guys". What??

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano asks why Honey is here with B. Brian Blair - because they are your fucking guests? Blair implies Orton isn't a real cowboy because he doesn't ride a horse in public. Albano says the bad guys slapped Honey. No they didn't - Orton headbutted her. Albano does his usual 'I'm going to talk and shout all the time and then tell you to go ahead, but when you try and talk I'll just shout over top of you'.

Ask The Wrestlers

Albano cuts a promo totally about this kid being a woman. Herb plays it off with "Captain Lou got so excited by your question he mistook your name for Andrea" and I'm absolutely fucking dying here! 

THIS SHIT AIN'T LIVE, PEOPLE

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Muscle Builder. Get real!

B. Brian Blair w/Honey & Capt. Lou Albano vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton w/John Tolos
Blair goes for a slam - don't worry, Craig calls it a suplex. Either way it fails and he falls over. Bruno wants to see this match without John Tolos getting involved. Bruno, you're the man and all, but Tolos hasn't actually done anything yet - so you are seeing that match now! Then to make me look like a jerk, Tolos starts interfering. But Honey and Albano are supposed to be there to stop that from happening, so really it's their fault. Orton ends up outside the ring on the concrete carpet and Honey threatens him with the stinger. Blair hits that 'modified Boston Crab figure-4 leglock' also known as him botching the Sharpshooter, so Tolos hits him with a chair. I like to think that's his way of saying "Learn to do this hold right!". Albano distracts the referee so Honey pokes Orton's butt with the stinger. Commentators are totally fine with all this. And Blair using an international object in his hand. But the referee isn't.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification

Hilariously, Blair was disqualified for hitting Tolos.

Call The Powerline and talk to... Colonel DeBeers??

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams brags about being a beach bully.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff thinks he made up the term 'rule breaker'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
'Dr. Death' attacks before the bell, but Orndorff reverses - he is fired up! He beats up 'Dr. Death' on the concrete carpet. The dudes up the front are screaming for the piledriver. Instead, Orndorff hits him with an umbrella... and gets disqualified?? Are you for fucking real?? Orndorff continues to beat 'Dr. Death' because he is here for revenge, gawdammit. Wait did the bell ring by accident? Phew - that's a relief!

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because Herb tells us we are out of time, so the rest of the match will be aired on the next episode in 2 weeks.

OH FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Thoughts:

• Sunny Beach is hilariously terrible.
• 'Wild Thing' is a textbook example on how to not book a good guy.
• Orndorff/Dr. Death has been hyped since day fucking one and they just killed half the steam with the fake disqualification (even the commentators thought the match was over) and then not airing it properly.
• Kill this company now.
• In truth, I was having a great time with this episode and would have put it above WCW for the week. But that main event nonsense just put this in the dirt.
• 
  
  
  
  

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 4

UWF Fury Hour Episode 4, 22nd October 1990

This week we get some new graphics that displays the wrestlers with their hometowns and weights.

Cool.

Ivan Koloff vs Random Jobberdude
Herb mentions that Ivan beat Bruno for the WWWF title, but Bruno puts him over as being awesome because Bruno is a true champion. He also claims wrestlers from all over the world are wanting to join the UWF, because Bruno is aware of who is paying him. Ivan throws the jobberdude into a wooden chair and Herb just loses his mind. It would seem Herb remembered to take his coke today. He's also now trying to get Bruno to come out of retirement.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly meanness

Pretty sure last time I saw him in WCW he had just become a good guy. Now he's threatening a match with his "nephew" Nikita Koloff. Again, I thought that feud had ended already.

The Bounty Hunter (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Jobber Jobberson

Herb is going nuts about The Golden Greek. I've never heard of him, but Bruno is putting him over so he must be somebody. Some random music suddenly starts playing... and then stops. What?
And then it happens again. What what??

Winner = The Bounty Hunter via squash

Jobberson gets thrown out of the ring then just gets up and shrugs and walks away like he didn't just have a match and get smashed but ok.

Nikita Koloff vs Riki Ataki
Nikita's ribs are taped up - he's fighting injured! What a man!  Herb is shouting like a maniac about his love for Nikita or something. 

Winner = Nikita Koloff via 'Russian sickle' clothesline like every other Nikita Koloff match except he no longer has massive arms so it looks less impressive

Ivan Koloff attacks Nikita after the match.

David Sammartino tries to cut a promo. He tries.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is shilling the merch. I would certainly consider purchasing from him over B. Brian Blair, that's for sure.

No Disqualification
David Sammartino vs Cactus Jack
Cactus Jack attacks David as he enters the ring to get the advantage. We are treated to a close-up of David so Herb goes on a rant about Cactus Jack's appearance. Bruno and Herb can be seen sitting at a table near the ring and I'm shook because I totally thought just recorded the commentary in a studio afterwards. Cactus Jack pulls out all sorts of bad things, like low blows and throwing rubbish bins. Bruno does not appreciate any of this. David fights back using actual wrestling moves, so Jack just says fuck it and cheats because it's no disqualification.

Winner = Cactus Jack via international object and feet on the ropes during the pin

Bruno, being the great sport he is, is just all "Well... that's how it goes".

That was actually a great match.

Ivan rants about Nikita. Nikita rants about Ivan. Again, I am fairly sure they both left NWA/WCW reunited. Also, Nikita's t-shirt has him with a bald head - he's had hair for a few years now. UWF really on the ball!

Ken Patera vs Robbie Allen(?)

The crowd chant "Jailbird" at Patera and Bruno says that is not very nice. He then goes on and on to explain why the crowd are chanting "Jailbird" at Ken Patera. And in great detail. This is less helpful than you would think, Bruno. But now Patera is heeling it up, so I guess it is kinda helpful? Bruno fucking knows.

Winner = Ken Patera via full nelson

Ken Patera gets on the mic and says the kid he just squashed is better than all the other babyfaces in the UWF.

Captain Lou Albano's Corner
Ken Patera is STRONG! But Captain Lou Albano thinks Patera needs to respect Bruno Sammartino, which reminds Patera why he fired Albano back in 1980. My dudes - that was 10 years ago now. If Ken Patera were as strong as he is crap at promos, dude would have won gold at the Olympic games.

B. Brian Blair is back to shilling t-shirts.

Billy Jack Haynes and his missing teeth are back to tell us stuff about the UWF.

THE VIKING! appears to tell us that despite this being his very first appearance - or even mention - on UWF television, he doesn't need to tell us who is or where he is from.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton
Herb is losing his fucking mind over this match. And the crowd are actually pretty hot for it, too. It's two old pros who know what they're actually doing. Especially when it comes to not putting anyone over.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via countout

Herb and Bruno are not happy with this result - they both blame the referee for not counting correctly or something. Orton gets on the mic and starts to lay out an argument as to why he was robbed... but then just completely freezes and leaves.

Thoughts:

• No lie - this was episode was fucking fun!