MONSTER (2012)

A Kiss tribute band crashed the Rammstein photo shoot...

These guys again???

Well, things are off to a better start with Hell or Hallelujah - admittedly a pretty cool song, if not for a terrible attempt at a guitar solo from Tommy Thayer. Same goes for Wall of Sound. I'm a Freak is a terrible name for a song but the song itself isn't quite that bad, if a little contrived. And by a little, I sure as hell mean totally. Maybe this album isn't going to be as bad as Sonic Boom? Maybe Gene and Paul have remembered how to write memorable songs that rock without being lame? Maybe Kiss are just as awesome as they've always been??

Nope.

Gene sings about going Back to the Stone Age and tries to make another shittier version of God of Thunder with The Devil is Me, Paul goes back to his usual crap with Shout Mercy and Eric Singer gets saddled with the corniest garbage possible, thanks to Paul and his never-ending quest to write another rock'n roll anthem. Spoiler alert: All For the Love of Rock & Roll failed yet again. And then we get Outta This World with mother fucking Tommy Thayer again...

Look, I get it - you are now 'The Spaceman'. But the problem is, we all know you really aren't. And it's bad enough that you steal all of Ace's guitar riffs and makeup and everything else that made him Ace, but you steal the whole gimmick about being from outer space and try and write garbage songs about this stuff? Seriously, just fuck off. Fuck the fuck off. And die. Fuck off and die.

Fuck off, Tommy Thayer.

There are other songs, but fuck writing about them. This album is shit and Tommy Thayer can just fuck off.


Highlights:
Is this a joke? Fuck you.

Lowlights:
Outta This World exposing all the levels of awful that Tommy Thayer possesses



Verdict = 4 Very Sad Tears of The Catman

SONIC BOOM (2009)

The mad scientist, Dr. Kiss, sent his 4 henchmen out to hypnotise the people with their brand of awful rock'n roll...

Kiss are back! With a new lineup! And... Tommy Thayer...

Fuck!

First thing I'll say, is that Paul's voice just does not sound like it used to. He sounds old and tired. Which happens when you sing like he does non-stop for 40 years. He's still cool, so I'll let it slide a little. Gene has stopped trying to sing all glam-metal, so the old voice thing works for him now.

The music? Well, this is just about as generic as you could ever imagine from Kiss: riffs that sound like they've been borrowed from previous songs, choruses that are desperate for a hook but have contrived lyrics about living life and working hard to be a rock star, refrains that go "Ah ah-ah-ah ah". It isn't that this stuff is terrible, it's just that it isn't really that great and is all really predictable.

Of special mention are songs like Never Enough, which comes across as the crappiest remake of Nothin' But a Good Time by Poison. That's an awesome song. Never Enough is quite crap. But not as bad as Stand - the verses are fine and sound like something off Psycho Circus. But then that chorus is the single cheesiest and most bullshit thing Kiss have ever done. Oh no, they just outdid it with the bridge section; bad enough they rip off themselves but to shout "Just look over your shoulder!"? Who the fuck they think they are now, the Jackson 5?? It's so bad, I'm surprised zombie Eric Carr didn't rise up and stab them all with his drum sticks before forming a new improved version of Kiss with Peter and Ace. That would have been the best choice of band to perform at the Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame.

You know, for all the claims that Tommy Thayer is an awesome guitarist, he sure doesn't do anything impressive on this album. Other than rip off Ace riffs.

Oh fuck, this album continues. Surely it gets better, right?

Wrong.
In fact, it just gets worse. Well, that's not entirely true - I like hearing Eric Singer sing, and All For the Glory is possibly the best song on this album. But like every other song on this album, it suffers from Super Try-hard Anthem Disorder. That's a real disease. Scott Stapp probably suffers from it too. Anyway, after that song it is just a barrel of clichés, from Danger Us ("Danger you/danger me/danger us!") to I'm an Animal (I thought you were supposed to be The Demon? And why are you stealing riffs from Lenny Kravitz?).


But the shit really hits the bottom when Tommy Thayer takes over on When Lightning Strikes. Stealing clichés from Ace's Spaceman character and using them to make a clichéd rock song with your shitty vocals? Yeah, shit doesn't get any worse than this. By the time Say Yeah offends me with its sheer terribleness, I'm ready to tell these guys to fuck off.


Highlights:
No one will think Ace Frehley was in any way responsible for this horse shit

Lowlights:
The chorus in Stand, Say Yeah, Tommy Thayer and his inescapable suckitude



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of The Catman

ONE FOR ALL (2007)

I don't want to live on this planet anymore...

Peter Criss returns!

And I wish he hadn't. I'm not going to waste time going song by song, because it all sounds the same - and that is not a good thing. For some reason Peter decided that singing well wasn't a good plan for this album, and then chose to write a bunch of garbage. And if that wasn't enough, he added in some covers of the most amazing songs possible, such as Send in the Clowns. Which he sings fucking terribly.

I can't even be mad, though. This whole album just sounds like background music you'd hear in a shopping mall or an elevator. Or maybe some bad busker on the street who thinks his music is awesome and tries to sell you his CD that he recorded at home.


Highlights:
No Tommy Thayer? Not as long as The Lord of the Rings?

Lowlights:
What a Difference a Day Makes, Send in the Clowns, and pretty much the rest of the album



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of The Catman

SPACEWALK: A TRIBUTE TO ACE FREHLEY (1996)

Boba Fett soon found his new spaceship design was not particularly aerodynamic...

It's a bunch of metal dudes! Performing Ace Frehley and Kiss songs!

Badly!!!

I don't really know why I added this in, since it is just a tribute album. Well, actually I do: there is a new Ace Frehley song at the end. And it is pure awesome, like most things Ace does.

However, every rendition leading to that final song of awesome is a pile of sweaty garbage. Stinky, sweaty garbage. From the dirtiest creek in India. The guy doing Deuce is a terrible fucking singer. And whoever okayed this version of Shock Me should be arrested for terrorism or something. Rip It Out is actually somewhat good! Mainly because it just sounds exactly like the original, apart from the crap sounding guitar. Seriously, did this dude put his amp in the microwave and then set it for 3 minutes on medium heat and then it all exploded into flames? Hey, some guy is doing Hard Luck Woman! And he is an infinitely worse singer than Peter Criss! I fail to see the point of doing that song when this an Ace Frehley tribute album and not only did Ace not write or sing Hard Luck Woman, he didn't really do any signature licks or anything. It sure as fuck isn't a song I think of when I think of how awesome Ace Frehley is. Seriously, out of all the work Ace has done up to this point in his career - from 10 albums with Kiss, to 4 albums without - and you choose Hard Luck Woman to express your tribute? And then do it badly?? Just fuck the fuck off.

Oh fuck, the guy singing Snow Blind may actually be the worst so far! And it is then just covered in heavy metal guitar bullshit. From here it is just a mess of shredding, bad singing, more shredding and shredding shred shredders! Fuck this.

Dimebag Darrell is the only person I will bother mentioning because he has covered Fractured Mirror and it is quite good. Mainly because there is no terrible singing - perhaps they all should have just done instrumentals? Then Ace Frehley says "You guys are no match for me and my awesome" and closes the album with the only song that doesn't give me cancer.


Highlights:
Take Me to the City by Ace Frehley - duh!

Lowlights:
Listening to 10 great songs get destroyed on the way to that one good song



Verdict = 3 Sad Tears of the Catman

LICK IT UP (1983)

Kiss decided to skip the album cover shoot and instead were replaced by some temps in the office...

Bahahahaha

That's pretty much the only way to sum up this album. Exciter sounds like the cheesiest 80s hair metal possible, Not For the Innocent is somewhat of a classic Gene track. Apart from the super 80s metal guitar sound and shredding. The title track is super cheese, but in such an awesome way. Young and Wasted has the honour of not only being the worst singing Gene could possibly do, but also being a terrible attempt at some sort of 80s thrash metal that I don't really understand or care to listen to. Gimme More is similar in the speed metal stakes, but Paul is singing so I'm not laughing. Just cringing at how Kiss could go from making awesome radio pop music in 1980 to making a shit album like this where every song just blends into the same sound. Seriously, only Lick It Up so far actually sounds like a song - the rest have all sounded to be the same chords and tempo and melodies, just with varying singing quality. All Hell's Breaking Loose at least has a change of tempo... Fits Like a Glove is more terrible Gene singing to fast paced shit. Dance All Over Your Face may well be the most listenable thing since the title track. Can't understand a damn thing Gene is singing though. And On the 8th Day, God created rock'n roll. On the 9th, he gave Kiss the idea to just make shit instead


Highlights:
Lick It Up


Lowlights:
Kiss turning into a generic hair metal band without giving Gene Simmons some singing lessons



Verdict = 3 Sad Tears of the Catman

MUSIC FROM "THE ELDER" (1981)

Don't open that door - you have no idea what you will unleash upon the world...

It's Kiss trying to be Queen!

Seriously, making a soundtrack to a movie that doesn't exist is about the weirdest idea ever. Add to that all the songs are trying to tell the story and they've gone for some grand wizard musical shit, and you get the most bizarre Kiss album possible. And by bizarre, I mean flat out terrible.

Lots of falsetto, lyrics about quests, strings and drums like thunder. None of it covers the supreme suckitude that this album presents. Under the Rose could have been a great song; the intro is amazing and the chorus would be so much more effective if it wasn't performed with chanting of the Gregorian Monks. A World Without Heroes may well be the greatest guitar solo Paul Stanley has ever done. Pity the rest of the song is boring and sucky. I have a live version of The Oath that features a lot more Ace Frehley and isn't so bad. This version could have done with a lot more Ace Frehley. This whole album could have done with a lot more Ace Frehley.

And less stupid lyrics.


Highlights:
The unintentional comedy

Lowlights:
The music and lyrics



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of the Catman

PETER CRISS (1978)

The little boy was very unimpressed with receiving an apple while trick or treating...

If Gene's album was cheesy, the Peter's is just a can of cheese wrapped in slices of cheese and building a mountain of cheese in Cheese Valley.

The difference is, it suits Peter a bit more; he has an earnest quality in his voice. Whereas Gene is just a douche. And these are mostly fun cheesy songs, like You Matter to Me, Tossin' and Turnin', and That's The Kind Of Sugar Papa Likes. These songs make me want to groove. The ballads, however, are pretty lame and offer nothing of real importance. Except for I Can't Stop the Rain - that one isn't too bad.

Mostly, this album has that kind of groove you would expect from someone known as The Catman.


Highlights:
That's The Kind Of Sugar Papa Likes


Lowlights:
Kiss the Girl Goodbye


Verdict = 2 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up