UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 2

UWF Fury Hour Episode 2, 8th October 1990

Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino are back - apparently the first episode was "wild and wooly". There are some known names on today's show, and Billy Jack Haynes in the main event!

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack vs Davey Meltzer
Davey Meltzer may be the best gimmick ever. Cactus Jack bites people so Bruno thinks he needs to change his meal times. Cactus Jack leaps off the ring apron to the floor to deliver a flying elbow drop... but the quality production team totally miss it.

Winner = Cactus Jack via pinfall

Dan Spivey is so weird he kills the video feed.

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Scott Cole
Im fresh off Dan Spivey being WCW, disappearing (I'm guessing to appear in the UWF) and he's just returned to WCW in November. So this is odd.

Winner = Dan Spivey via powerbomb squashtimes

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Black Knight
Herb and Bruno have no idea who the black knight is. I love how much they care about the product they are presenting. I'm also fresh off Ordorff coming to WCW for a quick holiday and then leaving to join the UWF. Herb makes fun of The Black Knight for being fat and I'm like dude, look at you - you're Herb Abrams! The Black Knight botches hilariosly and i'm like ok dude, you're The Black Knight - let's make fun of you!

Winner - Paul Orndorff via piledriver

How does 'Mr. Wonderful' look so much older here than he did a few months earlier in WCW? 

B. Brian Blair shills the UWF merch again.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a promo with the most blatant cue card reading ever.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo and I still can't believe this is the same dude that looked like a total badass a few years ago. It was only months for me!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Larry Jobberdude
I do enjoy how much respect the jobbers gets here in the UWF; there is very little effort to let you know their names - it's just 'here is a body for a big old guy to beat up'. And boy howdy does Dr. Death beat this body. Even with a top tope move.

Winner = Steve Williams via boredom

The ads on this show are so completely hilariously bad compared to what I've been seeing on WCW.

Colonel DeBeers wants respect for South Africa. He calls Billy Jack Haynes "Billy JERK Haynes" Ooooh!!!

David Sammartino vs Houdini
Sammartino comes out to Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. The match hasn't even started and already "the crowd" are chanting "BORING", but Bruno is a true pro and continues to call this like it's a normal wrestling match. Except for when David makes a mistake that leads to him getting beaten up by his opponent - then Bruno gets all Dad on him and is all "Well, he deserved that".

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-four leglock

Holy shit these matches are going quickly today.

Captain Lou's Corner
Dan Spivey is a great pro-wrestler? Captain Lou won't even look at him and they then get into a big discussion as to whether or not being tall is an advantage for a pro-wrestler.
What?
Captain Lou asks Spivey why he attacked B. Brian Blair. Dude, I saw the press conference - Blair was talking a bunch of smack and brought it on himself! Spivey says he wants the heavyweight title. There's a title in the UWF??

Dan Spivey cuts a solo promo and also reads cue cards.
Herb yells at me to buy his t-shirt. Who in the fuck would want a Dan Spivey t-shirt?!?

Chief Jay Strongbow wants you to support him and by proxy the Native American people (but this is 1990 so he calls them Indians).

B. Brian Blair vs Spitball Patterson
Herb is sure B. Brian Blair just sold a hundred t-shirts. Maybe if we're accumulating over the entire course of his life. Maybe. Dan Spivey comes out to the ring to watch. Herb and Bruno are very unhappy the referee is allowing him out there - Herb even wonders if he's been paid off. Spivey isn't doing anything - he's just watching the match! I mean, sure, he's tripped Blair twice, but the referee didn't see so that's not his problem! B. Brian Blair does the sharpshooter? And Herb calls it a Boston crab??

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not excellence of execution

Dan Spivey beats up B. Brian Blair after the match.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers comes out to Welcome to the Jungle, which until recently was also the entrance song for The Steiner Brothers. Stealing cool music from cooler guys - that's a true heel move. Holy balls, he actually just said he will not allow a black man to referee his match. The referee is changed to the usual fat white dude and Bruno is like fuck that and fuck him! Billy Jack Haynes comes out and quotes Michael Jackson, except Black or White is yet to be released so maybe he should be credited as a songwriter on that one, but apparently Colonel DeBeers has more pull backstage because they ignore Haynes' request to have the black referee come back. This match is slow and boring. Billy Jack Haynes was awesome when he was younger and jacked and just doing squash matches; instead he's now older, less jacked and doing long boring matches like this.

Draw via double count-out

Bruno is like "Billy Jack could have done better"
You'd hope so, Bruno.

Dr. Death cuts a promo running down all the other babyfaces in the company, but he's the new generation or something. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're all from the same generation of the previous decade.

Herb sends us home, telling us the main even was "unreal".
Unfortunately, it was very real.

Thoughts:

• Who thought Dan Spivey was some sort of star??
• Bah gawd this show was boring