Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Samurai (1976)

THE MOVIE

We are back in Hong Kong, where some ugly dudes are following a girl while she shops. Turns out she's a rude bitch.

The girl is some government dude's daughter and these ugly guys are going to kidnap her? Are we playing 'Let's Try That Again'?!? And what's with the seductive music while she gets kidnapped? Before I can answer, the opening credits are here with an awesome theme and all sorts of epilepsy.

It's my main man - Jim Kelly! And he's giving some lady a whooping... in tennis.

The Man turns up and says he needs to get back to work and go after a bad dude called Agustus Janicott, "a high priest of the occult" who uses his slaves as drug runners and prostitutes. Jim Kelly is Robert Sand, an agent for an organisation called D.R.A.G.O.N. - and he doesn't appreciate The Man interrupting his vacation, so no matter what they say about this dude, he is not interested. Until they explain that he is behind the kidnapping we saw earlier. And the girl kidnapped isn't just a government dude's daughter - she is Sand's secret girlfriend, Toki! Of course, he is now on the case!

Sand flies to wherever this is all going down and is immediately under attack from the bad guys; they attack him in his car and they attack him while at home doing some training.

But of course Sand just whoops their butts and then crashes Janicott's party. Well, he had an invite from somewhere, but he proceeds to hit on Janicott's main girl in the most hilariously arrogant and uninterested way that I'm sure he won't be welcome for long.

You can tell Janicott is a real high-roller, because his parties feature a 20-piece Mexican band, a drugged up white girl dancing badly, and... a buzzard. Janicott invited Sand as some sort of trap, so throws his whole party out of the window by starting a rumble with him. What a shitty host. Sand walks along rooftops and whoops all of Janicott's men - including stomping some dude's balls and calling him "Whitey fa***t!".

Pretty sure that's a hate crime there, Sand. 

Then he beats up more dudes, and a couple of midgets, before making his escape. Janicott expresses his disappointment with his top henchman/black gay pirate, Bones, who just responds with "That's okay".

Janicott feeds an old white dude to his snakes to make an example of him. I mean, I would think that sort of thing would make Sand happy? Maybe the black gay pirate, too? Anyways, Sand goes on the hunt for his beloved Toki; first to one of Janicott's businesses (where he gets in another rumble), and then to one of his associates' house - via a fucking jet pack!

There, he fights with some jungle men and is forced to kill another midget. Dude is just committing hate crimes all over the place. Turns out Toki is actually at Janicott's house, so it's back there to stop her being sacrificed for one of his black magic rituals or something. Sand must defeat the gay pirate Bones and then finally put a stop to Janicott and his evil ways, so that he and Toki can live happily ever after!

REACTION

Now this is a Jim Kelly movie! It is quite a low-budget affair, and certainly doesn't have the charm or comedic fun that you find in something like Black Belt Jones, but this more of hard-nosed action movie with no nonsense and violence. Lots of violence. And okay, there is nonsense. Like fighting midgets and dudes dressed in loincloths. One of the more entertaining features of the film is all the hilarious ADR that gets thrown in all the time; someone might be walking the street and suddenly they will be saying something - but clearly not talking. It's especially fun during the fight scenes where they've added Jim Kelly just insulting people while he fights them. During his last fight with Bones, they both talk smack constantly in ADR - but only when the shot is of the other person, i.e. you'll have a close-up of Bones, while Jim Kelly is taunting him "Hit me - come on hit me! You are going down!"

JIM KELLY
My man was just absolutely ruthless as Robert Sand. It felt like all he cared about was himself and Toki, and he showed absoltely zero mercy to anyone in his way. Even midgets. And it was nice to see him not bowing to The Man again. Also (spoiler alert), the way he finished off Janicott was pretty darn cold. And he flew a fucking jet pack! After Hot Potato, this was exactly what was needed. Oh and I almost forgot! He defeated a fucking buzzard!

I need to watch again and figure out what D.R.A.G.O.N. stands for. Highly recommended you don't mess with Robert Sand!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Hot Potato (1975)

THE MOVIE
A US Senator's daughter has been kidnapped in a place called Chang-Lon, by a madman called Carter Rangoon. He's crazy, but wise: "A long journey begins - not ends - with the first step". 

Some army dude spends 6 minutes on the phone to the Senator reassuring him that they have it under control and are sending their best men. He hangs up the phone and asks the other army people where Chang-Lon is. COMEDY

Anyways, the only man that can take this job is Jones. And yes, it's my main man Jim Kelly.

And this time he's hanging out with a lot of white people; including his partner Johnny Chicago. When did Jones need a fucking partner? Or white people in his life that weren't just there to get karate kicked in the junk? Johnny Chicago complains about his payment for this job. Repeatedly. Jones and Chicago meet up with their contact in Thailand - a Chinese woman who happens to be from the army or something, because they spend the rest of the movie calling her "Sarge". But that doesn't matter right now, because of course they mistake her for a prostitute - because she's Asian, get it? MORE COMEDY.

Meanwhile, Carter Rangoon is spouting off all sorts of proverbs like he's Roger Moore in Spice World. He's kinda dressed like him too. "Necessity, besides being the mother of invention, can also be the wife of deception." His plan is to keep the Senator's daughter and let the good guys capture some other girl that looks exactly like her. I have no idea why. But he has pet tigers that eat people who don't get his metaphors and life-lessons, so he's got that going for him.

Before going to rescue the girl, they go pick up the last member of their bad comedy troupe team, a big fat disgusting white dude called White Rhino, or Leonardo. Or I give no fucks. He's having an eating competition against a chubby lady, and he wins by eating mashed potatoes from his hands. Look, if you wanna be fat - be fat. But at least have some fucking hygiene and use eating utensils. Of course, this makes him irresistible to women. MORE FUCKING COMEDY.

So the "good guys" turn up to Rangoon's compound and proceed to take part in the worst fucking movie fight scene I have ever seen, take the fake Senator's daughter, and make a break for it. However, Jones feels the whole thing was too easy, so now he's suspicious. Too easy? Y'all fought like 100 men and broke down their compound with a herd of Elephants. After they leave, Rangoon discovers that the fake Senator's daughter actually stole some important documents from him, so he sends his men to kill her. So... you didn't need to send a double at all? And being attacked constantly in the jungle just makes Jones more suspicious. 

Standard jungle villain attire...

And then out of nowhere, Johnny Chicago tells Jones he's falling in love with the Senator's daughter. Like, I don't even think I've seen them have a conversation? And Jones and "Sarge" are falling in love, despite the only stuff they've talked about is how much they don't trust the Senator's daughter? Also, there is more COMEDY with Leonardo the Rhino being a fat piece of shit, but honestly, fuck that right now.

Eventually, Rangoon catches up with our "heroes" and kills the fake Senator's daughter and then tells them all she was a fraud. Or she admitted to it. Like it matters - bitch is dead and Johnny Chicago is heartbroken. After another riddle to make them rethink what they know about the universe, he takes them back to his compound where they must defeat his men and escape with the real Senator's daughter. Or listen to more nonsense proverbs about listening with no ears, I guess.

REACTION

This was the whitest movie Jim Kelly made. True story; at one point, I put down my hot chocolate and yelled at the no one around that I had had enough. I checked the display and only 16 minutes had passed. So much of it was supposed to be funny, but really none of it was. It was just slapstick nonsense and bad acting and bad everything. Carter Rangoon and his madcap proverbs of nonsense were actually entertaining, I will give it that, but Rhino and Johnny bickering about hats and pay and other stupid shit just made me long for the days when I was watching Three the Hard Way. The only actual moments of humour involved people speaking in random Asian languages and Sarge translating them entirely ridiculously; e.g. some old lady said to them "気をつけてね" and Sarge translated that as the old lady telling Rhino he looked like elephant in lingerie or something. But that's probably only funny if you understand what all these people are saying in the first place, so unless you understand Japanese, Thai, Cantonese and Mandarin, these jokes aren't going to work for you.

JIM KELLY

This pains me to say, but this was my man's worst performance to date. That's not to say it is all on him; he wasn't really the leading man - it was more of an ensemble of shit that drove the movie - and he wasn't given anything good to work with here. His job seemed to be just walking around, talking to Sarge and making a few innuendoes here and there. Most of the "story" seemed to revolve around the fucking fat dude and his storing of food in his clothes and being attractive to women. Because that is COMEDY.

It's bizarre; this movie was written by the same guys that wrote Black Belt Jones and is clearly designed to be a sequel, yet it lacks absolutely everything that made Black Belt Jones so awesome. I would recommend never watching this movie. Never. Ever. Never ever never.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Take a Hard Ride (1975)

THE MOVIE
We begin with a bounty hunter (Lee Van Cleef) having a bit of a standoff with some wanted man that he has tracked down. Dude tries to deny he is the man in question, and then some friends of his or something are like "We don't take kindly to bounty hunters around here". So you'd rather have criminals? They draw, Bounty Hunter wins - story over?

Pike (Jim Brown) and his boss, Morgan, are in town to sell cattle. They cross paths with the bounty hunter, and he and Pike make some serious eye contact. Foreboding?

Anyways, they are in town to sell some cattle and take the money back to their hometown, which is actually in Mexico, I think. Morgan suddenly drops dead, but not before making Pike promise him he will deliver the money to their hometown. Word gets out that there is a solo black man riding around with $86,000 and all the bad dudes in the area are keen to take him out and get that money for themselves - including our bounty hunter from earlier and a couple of losers that worked for Morgan. A dandy by the name of Tyree (Fred Williamson) gets wind of all this and, after helping Pike fight off a few low-lives, they make a deal that Tyree will help him cross the border - but after that, he will fight him for the money.

Along the way, they rescue a woman named Catherine and her friend, Kashtok, from a group of bandits that have attacked her group and murdered her husband. Kashtok is, in fact, my main Jim Kelly - sans moustache! He is a Native American. With no tongue - so he can not speak. Huh... 

He can still do karate, though.

So they all travel together to the Mexican border, battling off attack after attack - including some church group coming after them with a machine gun. Catherine and Pike talk a lot about redemption and second chances in life. More foreboding? Anyways, they eventually make it to the border - where Tyree lives up to his end of the deal by getting into a rumble with Pike for the money. But before they can decide on a winner, the bounty hunter turns up with a veritable army of bandits. They have one last standoff for a winner takes all kind of deal. I guess...

REACTION
Well, there wasn't really much to say about this film. It was fine, and certainly not awful, but I can't help but feel like there was something missing. It came across as somewhat of a low-budget made for TV western.

And I'm not sure how I felt about Fred Williamson and his Louisiana drawl... But what actually worked for the film was Jim Brown; dude had some kind of earnest quality that makes you see him as a good guy, so you always had that trust that he was doing the right thing. And also, I was surprised that race wasn't such a big plot point. Sure, the N word got thrown around a little, but mostly by Tyree; no one seemed to make too big of a deal about Morgan's right-hand man being African-American. Which was somewhat unexpected. So yeah, I came in expecting some type of Blaxploitation Western, but really got more of a Western that just happened to have a couple of Blaxploitation heroes in the lead.

JIM KELLY
I'll say again. He was portraying a Native American. Who could not speak. But knew karate. He still didn't do enough butt-whooping for me - and he wore a hat the whole time that covered up that afro! It felt like a bit of a waste, but at the same time it was a role that relied heavily on him conveying emotions and expressing them without words.

I like that we got something a little bit different, but the movie lacks something that stops it from being just... there. Fine Sunday afternoon viewing or something, but not anything you need to go out of your way to watch. Unless you are watching every Jim Kelly movie...

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Three The Hard Way (1974)

THE MOVIE
We start things off at some sort of farm-prison-camp-type-thing, where an inmate(?) is serving food to other inmates. Eventually he breaks free and steals a gun, shooting a bunch of the guards - and getting shot himself, but still managing to escape. He makes his way to his good friend and clearly very successful record producer, Jimmy (Jim Brown), who gets him to a hospital. Jimmy wants to know what happened, but the dude is too traumatised. So Jimmy's girlfriend convinces him to leave her in charge at the hospital and head back to the studio, because he needs to get back to telling The Inspirations they look bad and sound worse (he said it, not me!).

Of course, once he leaves, the bad dudes come in and kill the escaped prisoner and kidnap Jimmy's woman.

Then the bad guys start chasing Jimmy and trying to kill him - and not particularly subtly, either. 

Meanwhile, Jimmy's woman is taken back to the home of Monroe Feather. He's says he has a plan to wipe African-Americans off the face of the Earth with science. 

So Jimmy heads to Chicago and hits up his other pal, Jagger (Fred Williamson)

and then they both go meet up with their other good friend, Mister Keyes - my main man, Jim Kelly! With a funky new moustache.

After a battle with the bad guys in a car wash (does Jim Kelly just enjoy keeping clean while busting fools?) they capture one of these clowns and Keyes enlists the help of three topless women to torture him. Yes, you read that correct. Anyways, the dude is so emotionally scarred by seeing naked boobs that he tells them all about Feather's evil plan to poison the water supply with a chemical that will only kill Africans. He even tells them it's all going down in L.A., Detroit and Washington! Then, he promptly dies - boobs are scary, yo!

From there, our heroes go on an all-out attack to put an end to Feather's plans; each man takes a city and whoops Feather's henchmen before they can contaminate the waters. African-American people are now safe! Apart from, you know, all the racism and police brutality. But then they reunite and head to Feather's home, where he is hosting some sort of Nazi dinner or some bullshit. So they need to bust in, save Jimmy's woman, and put a stop to Feather and his Nazi bullshit once and for all!

REACTION
Where Black Belt Jones was a tour de force of action-comedy, Three the Hard Way is just a straight action movie with a sprinkling of humour, and some serious race issues driving the absolutely bonkers plot. Having these three iconic actors come together for the first time, I did come in with high expectations that weren't quite met. But overall, it is still an entertaining and fast-paced ride. Jim Brown and Fred Williamson always deliver when you need some tough dudes to dish out justice.

JIM KELLY
Mister Keyes is one bad mutha! His introduction in the movie involves being setup by the pigs by planting drugs in his car, and he just don't play that! He explains that his first name is in fact "Mister" - his mother named him that so people would be forced to show him respect. Then he just takes that respect by beating up the entire Chicago police force for being dishonest pigs trying to set him up.

My favourite part here was when he is standing over all the carnage of smashed police cars and unconscious police officers, Jimmy and Jagger appear, and then these dudes have a bit of a chat, like they are just running in to each other at a cafe or something and not a fucking warzone. That Keyes should probably be fleeing as quickly as possible. But then again, I think that speaks to how much of a total badass the man is - he just gives zero fucks! Come and get him, you dirty racist pigs! Also of note; when they are infiltrating Feather's house, all three men are dressed in black - because, you know, blending in with the night or whatever. But as soon as they actually start their plan to get inside, Keyes ditches his top and just decides to go shirtless for the whole operation. Good stuffs.

If you're looking for three black men blowing shit up and whooping Nazis, then I have the movie for you...

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Belt Jones (1974)

THE MOVIE
We open with the mafia wacking some undercover agent/informant and disposing of him and some incriminating photos in some old wine barrels or something. I'm sure this will play into things later...

Meanwhile, some other old dude is giving a speech. He must be promoting peace or something, because my main man Jim Kelly heads out to make sure the parking lot is safe. And good thing he did, because out there are a bunch of bad guys that need some whooping!

Jim Kelly is our titular hero - Black Belt Jones - and he gets bored of punching these dudes in the junk, so just shoots the last one in the butt. Black Belt Jones is cool.

CUE SUPER FUNKY THEME MUSIC

The Man is making an offer to Black Belt Jones; they've lost four agents trying to infiltrate Don Steffano's mafia operations and they want Jones to be the fourth. Jones, however, is not about to go on a suicide mission for The Man and suggests they pretend it's the ghetto - then they can just send in the tanks! Black Belt Jones knows where he comes from.

Next, we are treated to some vigilantes attacking a dude named "Pinky" in his pool hall; they are sick of him pushing drugs on the street, but Pinky and his thugs get the upperhand. So now you know Pinky is a bad dude. Turns out, he's in cahoots with the mafia, and the henchmen from earlier come pay him a visit. He owes Don Steffano $250K, and to pay off that debt, he needs to get Papa Byrd to sell his karate dojo to the mafia so Don Steffano can make millions on some property development.

Papa Byrd owes Pinky $1,000 in gambling or something, so he figures this will be easy. I'm not an expert on inflation, but I'm pretty sure a building in 1974 cost more than $1,000. Anyways, he hits up Papa Byrd and says that IOU is actually for $11,000 (oooh he's really sneaky, adding a 1 in front like that!). Papa Byrd tells him to step off, and then he and his karate students give Pinky and his boys a beat down. Movie over! Good guys win!

But no! He comes back with some meaner dudes and beats up everyone at the karate school. So the head teacher calls in Papa Byrd's finest student - Black Belt Jones! He comes down and gives everyone a whooping.

Alas, Papa Byrd learns nothing and go gets himself killed by Pinky and his gang, so they come down to the dojo to collect on the IOU - which has now been changed to $41,000. This dude is smart, the way he keeps changing numbers! But the dojo has been willed to Papa Byrd's only daughter and she has no interest in selling to Pinky. And of course, she also turns out to be a karate master. Her and Black Belt Jones whoop the bad guys, then the bad guys whoop the good guys when Jones and her are not around

and then Jones decides to use his brain as well as his fists, and teams up with a group of young trampolining girls he's been training (did I mention them earlier? I'm guessing he was specifically training them to use their trampoline skills in his undercover missions) to steal money from Don Steffano, then pay Pinky with it, so when Pinky pays Don Steffano the $250K he owes him, it's his own money. 

The bad guys only fall for it for about 5 minutes, and eventually everyone has a big rumble at the car wash! And by everyone, I mean Black Belt Jones vs Pinky, his gang and the entire mafia. 

REACTION
Look, I am not one to just throw around strong words for a laugh, so please believe me when I say... bah gawd THIS IS A PERFECT MOVIE! Non-stop action (seriously, when people aren't throwing down, there is a car chase thrown in for fun), hilarious dialogue, a funky soundtrack and fantastic characters; you've got mafia dudes with thick accents and names like Big Tuna and Don Steffano, like they're straight out of an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then you've got a crazy old man with a gambling problem who is running a karate dojo, when he can barely throw a kick - and he's none other than Scatman Crothers, AKA the voice of Hong Kong Phooey! You've got a serious badass woman in the supporting lead role. Okay, sure, she throws around homophobic slurs like she throws karate chops, but she whoops the bad guys and never gets in the way or anything. And then there is Black Belt Jones...

JIM KELLY
Now this is the movie that made me a fan. He's clearly having a lot of fun in this movie - and why not? He's like some sort of Afro-American James Bond; The Man wants him to work for them, but he's too smart for that bullshit, he has some great lines all over the place, he looks good and he gets to stay true to himself - again just hanging with regular folk and helping them against bad dudes. Also, he straight up whoops all the butts in this movie. I'm pretty sure he only got punched once or twice in the whole thing - that's a pretty good ratio, considering I think the UFC statisticians had him throwing something like 2,100 significant strikes over the duration of the film.

Instead of gifs and pics, I just want to buy you all a copy of the movie on DVD to watch. Black Belt Jones is the best.

Jim Kelly was the man!