UWF Fury Hour: Episode 42

UWF Fury Hour Episode 42, 9th September 1991

This week Craig and Bruno are joined on commentary by Captain Lou Albano. Yay. He brags about beating up Mr. Red, but doesn't mention anything about leaving Herb to get his ass kicked. Craig still can't figure out Super Ninja's name.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Mohammed The Butcher (w/Abu Dee?)

Wow, what an exciting match to get started with! 

Commentators don't even pretend to care about the match and just make jokes about how fat Mohammed is. Bruno stops making jokes and just says straight up "This guy is very fat". Wild Thing sprays him with a fire extinguisher? In the stomach??

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via clothesline

Wild Thing tries to press-slam Abu Dee, but fails so throws him on Mohammed.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams will be defending his belt against 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray at a future show. WTF did that dude do to earn a title shot?

B. Brian Blair vs Sonny West
Damn - Blair is still around? Did Craig just call him Muraco??

Bruno finally explains why his version of the hotline is called "Hot Bruno".

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the longest sleeper hold in history.

Bah gawd that was hilariously bad. Because he's such a 'nice guy', Blair 'wakes up' Sonny West afterwards.

Ask The Wrestlers
Where is the fucking graphic? You mean, I'm going to have to start typing out the question myself??
"B. Brian Blair, will you ever wrestle 'Dr. Death' and what do you think of his wrestling tactics?"

Blair says he is a fan of Dr. Death and would love to wrestle him. I mean, he's got the coveted UWF Sportsbyline Nationwide TV VHS Championship - so who wouldn't want to wrestle for that??

We get a full recap of the Captain Lou Albano/Mr. Red/Herb Abrams drama. Wow. Desperate for content muchly?

To The Point

Herb and Captain Lou Albano are joined by Mr. Fucking Red and Super Ninja. They all just scream over each other - except for Super Ninja, who just stands there doing nothing. Why is Mr. Red so obsessed with getting Albano's segment? Mr. Red says he went over Herb's head. How? He owns the fucking promotion. Is this going to be the way they explain the company going off television? Albano keeps making comments about Mr. Red being fat. Herb says something about killing Mr. Red.

Mr. Voice Over explains this segment was recorded before Mr. Red was suspended for 30 days. Then why didn't you air it BEFORE he was suspended for 30 days? Because that part wasn't live, either.

I like bad promos, but that shit was absofuckinglutely painful.

Oh, wow - Official UWF Ratings!
Half of these guys haven't actually wrestled since Beach Brawl.

Next week - tag-team ratings! Excitement!

Frank E is with Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Oh, it's just a repeat of her promo from a couple of weeks ago. Put Luna on To The Point.

Next week we will have another appearance of Mr. Red. Glad to see that suspension is really being enforced. Also, Herb will have news on possibly signing The Ultimate Warrior. Shouldn't he wait until he actually has the guy signed - not just it being possible?? Does he want another Andre The Giant embarrassment??

Thoughts:

• This was a show?
• To The Point may actually be the worst thing this show has ever attempted.
• In WCW, Nikita Koloff and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey have already worn out their welcome again and are gone. Cactus Jack has just arrived and is feuding with the promotion's top star. Larry Zybysko is a tag-team champion.
• I don't know if I've said this enough while watching UWF, but fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 32

UWF Fury Hour Episode 32, 10th June 1991

This was taped before The Beach Brawl but aired after, so I have no idea what they are going to talk about. Hence I stuck with aired date order and am watching after The Beach Brawl. But really, I'm expecting the usual bunch of shitty matches that mean nothing so it probably doesn't matter anyways...

Herb's in the control room to say thanks for watching The Beach Brawl. I don't know who is now doing the voice over work for the show preview, but I really want Herb back doing it. Pro-wrestling shows need crazy people yelling at me!

Joshua Bengorian vs Hog Calhoun

Bengorian is attacked before the bell and Bruno blames it on being inexperienced in the UWF. I blame it on being a fucking hilariously useless numbnuts. 

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via Israeli Airforce Bomber

Bruno is almost in shock that this goof won the match.

The next few weeks will be highlights of The Beach Brawl. So if you think this week is pointless, just you wait!

Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi vs Captain Badd & The Beast

Wow a battle of the most irrelevant wrestlers on the show! The Beast goes for a dropkick but it ends up being more like a leg clothesline. Craig calls it a "knee kick". Even Bruno can't pretend that wasn't a stupid thing to call it.

Winners = Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi via top rope dropkick

Craig says Michaels & Brandi stole that one. Yeah man, you make sure those good guys get over huge!

Buy a Dan Spivey t-shirt so you can show your support for him at the next UWF show!

Captain Lou Albano compares pro-wrestlers to boxers and thinks a pro-wrestler has more ways to beat a boxer. Not in a boxing match!

Ask The Wrestlers

Colonel DeBeers says he's blind in one eye, which is why he wears the patch. Voice over guys says he's also blind in the brain. What?

Wet N' Wild vs The Messenger & Brian Donahue

Bruno thinks these guys are slowly improving - that's not hard, considering how bad they were. And compared to some of the shitburgers that often appear on The Fury Hour. 

Winners = Wet N' Wild via rocket launcher splash

Captain Lou's Corner

There's a new champion, but instead of talking to him we'll talk to the guy that DIDN'T win in the main event. Albano says Bam Bam is going to get the belt eventually. Voice over guy calls them both ugly. I mean, he's not wrong...

"Golden Oldies"

We get a replay of the lumberjack match from earlier in the year. I won't bother writing about it again.

Power Twins vs Soul Train Philips & Cash Jackson

Bruno moves off commentary so the leader of The Guardian Angels can take over. He talks about beating up criminals and they might hire some of the wrestlers to help out. He's a total New Yorker, so he also appreciates Bruno. But not as much as his wife, apparently.

Winners = The Power Twins via double team destruction

"Golden Oldies"
B. Brian Blair vs Mike Williams
Did I review this already? I would have to look back and that feels like more effort. So let's review it this time and see what I think. Or I could just watch and realise it lasts all of 2 minutes so nothing to review.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams wants you to call him. Now! The new champion's only appearance on the show was begging for calls to the hotline??

Thoughts:

• The most boring and pointless show yet.
• WCW at least had some intrigue and story progression this week, while UWF just sat around going 'duuuhh'

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 29

UWF Fury Hour Episode 29, 20th May 1991

Captain Lou Albano is still filling in for Bruno Sammartino. A painful reminder they are sure to give me about 20 times. Craig tells us we are now only two weeks away from The Beach Brawl! Except... it's actually three.  Albano is staking his 38 years experience on the UWF being the best... There's a six-man tag match tonight and Craig is cut off which is the best part of the show.

Wet N' Wild vs Big Bobby & Al Jobeer or Something(?)
Wet N' Wild come out to Vanilla Ice's Play That Funky Music and it has me wondering if they should actually be my favourite tag-team.

Albano rates Wet N' Wild at a "90" because they could still use a little bit of improvement. You think?!?! Craig calls a slam a "belly to belly suplex". Fuck that guy.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via splash

Big Bobby didn't even get in the ring once.

The 1957 Chevy Phone is a replica of the 1957 Chevy and an actual working phone? Talk about advancements in technology!

Ask The Wrestlers

He hints that they may get back together at The Beach Brawl. Aren't you in the TV Championship tournament? You can't have a tag-team partner in that, dork.

Malia Hosaka vs Luna Vachon
Vachon comes out to Mötley Crüe, so she deserves to win. Albano wants to know if Hosaka is married. I'm pretty sure you weigh about 4-times as much as her and are 3-times her age. Albano makes "jokes" about both women's looks, so Craig tries his hand at the sake "jokes" this time. And then The Black Harts fuck up the ending.

Winner = Luna Vachon via Hosaka being tripped

Wet N' Wild come out and beat up The Black Harts with chairs.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian Ricco is back to talk to us about Dr. Herb Abrams' tournament format. 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beat Nikolai Volkoff in 3 minutes. Wow. Bam Bam Bigelow beat Ivan Koloff. Oh NOW he's giving the details of the quarterfinalists. You're a week late, pal! Or Craig was a week early. Either way, this is what happens when you tape five weeks of TV shows in one day, and then have them edited together by a monkey.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with The Power Twins. He is proud to actually have a stable at last, so lists off everyone. He's convinced he will lead The Power Twins to tag-team glory! Hey, he did get 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey a gig with WCW, right? So maybe he's going to set up a match against the Steiner Brothers?

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Corporal Kirschner & David Perry
Albano makes fun of Corporal Kirschner for not being able to get a promotion.

Winners = The Power Twins via double elbow that may or may not be The Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano just yells incredibly racist jibberish at Malia Hosaka. She replies in Japanese, but speaks very quietly so I can't pick up what she said. After Albano yells more jibberish, she walks away laughing and both of them are picked up on the mic saying they have no idea what he was saying.

Fuck. You.

The most excited men in the USA call the UWF Powerline!

The Lynx vs Mr. V
Albano thinks Craig adds legitimacy to pro-wrestling. Now he's talking about sports in the '30s and '50s, before raving about building military weapons. 

Winner = The Lynx via rollup

I'm not sure what was worse - the commentary or the botching.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, Bam Bam Bigelow & B. Brian Blair vs Boris Zhukov, 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Rusty Brooks
How in the fuck did Rusty Brooks get in this match?? He and Albano get into an argument about who is fatter or something... Then Albano gets Zhukov confused with Nikita Koloff. That dude isn't even with this company anymore - I'll give you an update on him after this match, but I can assure you, what he's involved with is infinitely better than this. Of course, the match just turns into a brawl and then for some reason the bell rings in the middle of it.

Winners = The good guys via Bam Bam Bigelow pinning Boris Zhukov or something?

Thoughts:

• Holy shit Lou Albano needs to go!
• Yesterday, I watched WCW Superbrawl 1991 and it was infinitely better than this. Particularly when Nikita Koloff got into a brawl with Sting. He made the right decision leaving the UWF and returning to WCW - even if it is just for a month.
• These matches were all terrible.
• And the commentary was worse.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 26

UWF Fury Hour Episode 26, 29th April 1991

We've moved to Florida!

And Bruno obviously knows what's up, so he's been replaced on commentary by Captain Lou Albano OH FUCK YOU NO!!! Albano supports women wrestlers? Luna Vachon will be here tonight. Her episode of Dark Side of the Ring is airing today so, like, are the producers of that just scanning this show for people to profile?

We get a tour of Universal Studios Florida and I'm like 'No, thanks!'

B. Brian Blair vs Rico Federico
Bah gawd! They are wrestling outside in the hot Florida summer to no one!

Hilarious! Craig is now trying to start a rumour that Albano will be entering the UWF Sportschannel Drive-Thru Championship tournament. You know what? Why the fuck not? Make it Albano vs John Tolos for the title and I'm all in. So long as I never have to see B. Brian Blair do this fucking awful Sharpshooter ever again.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via Shitshooter

Ask The Wrestlers

Awwww I love the naivety! Orndorff thinks it is more likely one of them goes to the hospital. To visit Justin, who just died of a broken heart?

Call Lou's "Rapline" and get a "Slapline" from me.

Malia Hosaka (?) vs Penelope Paradise (w/Luna Vachon)
They are going on and on about how "beautiful" Paradise is, but I can assure you this is all slander.

Of course, Hosaka being Japenese means Albano must make sake jokes. John Tolos joins the commentary to try and save my soul but this match is over.

Winner = Malina Hosaka via rollup

Albano can't handle a Japanese American? Fuck you.

Brian Ricco is the UWF's new reporter. He says Herb is a doctor, so I immediately question his journalistic credentials. Brian gives us a run down of the tournament results so far - I wasn't even aware they tournament had started! Are you going to let us know about any upcoming matches in the "tournament"?

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Rusty Brooks
Albano says Brooks used to weigh over 400 pounds, but now he's down to around 320. But he's still bigger than Bigelow, who is supposed to weigh 400 pounds. Albano makes some comments about watching cartoons on Bigelow's head - but the tattoos would get in the way? I have no fucking idea what he's on about. Albano also has trouble saying "Rusty". Fuck that guy.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via headbutt

Brian Ricco interviews Bigelow after the match and he's flat out exhausted after having to wrestle in that heat.

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Dusty Wolfe & Big Bobby (?)

The Black Harts? Is that like Owen Hart and and emo version of Bret Hart? Albano thinks top-rope moves should be illegal and then complains about things being unfair. Didn't this dude discuss how he used to manage cheaters all the time?

Winners = The Black Harts via double-team

Fat dude was too fat for them to execute their double-team finisher properly.

Brian Ricco wants some info on The Black Harts because he's a crack journalist that doesn't do research on his own. Luna just screams at him like she's reading from a Tolkien novel. It's fucking great!

How was Stone Cold not a blockbuster hit and 'The Boz' not a huge star??

Captain Lou's Corner
Bam Bigelow is here. He's on a diet because he wants to eat people. Albano thinks Bigelow will be the champion, but he also thinks the UWF will sponsor the Sportschannel Champ or something...

Boris Zhukhov is pleased to be in the UWF. I bet you are pleased to actually have a job in 1991. He wants to pin people.

Boris Zhukov vs Big V
Zhukov does the classic "everybody stand for my foreign country's national anthem!"

Albano just makes fart noises, then starts insulting Herb? He uses the same gawdam insults he's been using all through the show. He and Herb just start yelling at each other about how great the UWF is. Which is why Boris fucking Zhukov vs Big V is your main event.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via pinfall following clothesline from behind

Brian interviews Zhukov and he manages to say he's number one before we have to go to commercials.

And the show is over! The Power Twins were supposed to wrestle, but "time has pinned them". Classic.

Thoughts:

• Craig and Capt Lou should never commentate together again. Ever.
• On a show that generally looks cheap and unpopular, outdoor wrestling in front of 50 people just took it to a whole new level.
• WCW was certainly better than this.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 23

UWF Fury Hour Episode 23, 8th April 1991

Bruno and Craig introduce us to a new wrestler who will be debuting today - Terry Gordy! Also appearing will be Sunny Beach and 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. That's much less extraordinary. Bruno thinks they will be going very far. Far away from me? ALSO the UWF will be holding a tournament to crown the very first UWF champion!

We have new graphics yet again and Terry Gordy is listed as being from "Badstreet, USA". That makes me happy.

The Beach Brawl is coming! Wait - the UWF champion will be called "The UWF Sportschannel TV Champion"??

Terry Gordy vs Captain Badd
So while The Freebirds continue in WCW with just one original member, Terry Gordy has somehow ended up here? He comes out to Mötley Crüe's Looks That Kill that makes me even happier. It also makes me want to listen to Mötley Crüe again - they really didn't have a bad album. I tried to trash Generation Swine when I did my little unpublished marathon, but I really did listen to that a lot back in 1997 and I don't think it's nearly as bad as people would have you believe. Except for the shitty ballads that are just laughable.

Winner = Terry Gordy via powerbomb

Gordy has still got it. And that powerbomb was pretty rad. Also Looks That Kill would work more as the entrance song for a woman, given the chorus is all "She's got looks that kill!"

Gordy says he's here to kick butt and get titles. And the UWF is all out of titles??

There's a Delhi in New York? Do American's just have to steal everything??

B. Brian Blair vs Brian Donahue
I made a lot of jokes about Brian Donahue because I got his name confused with Brian Dennehy, but I have an edit function and will delete them all now. Craig tries to put over Blair's attempt at the Sharpshooter. Mutherfucker I see Sting do this in WCW all the fucking time and he looks fucking cool while this dipshit looks like a useless piece of shit botch machine EVERY TIME.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the most insulting Shitshooter and I am now considerably less happy

Craig tries to make a joke about the Donahue show. What a nerd.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos tells us he looks great in a polo shirt and suit jacket - it's not a good combo, sorry. He then brags about wrestling in the 50's. AND his "stable". Dude, you've got two wrestlers. That's not a stable that is a fucking a tag-team.

Herb is now shilling the Penta(gon Jr.) Hotel. Perhaps that was Honey doing the voice over previously...

Oh fuck me they are shilling some new weight gain drink and I am absolutely fucking dying.

If I'm riding in a nice limo, there's no way I'm watching UWF in the back. I save that nonsense for when I'm on my couch for hours on end like a fucking dork.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy is here! Albano raves about the guy and Gordy... well... he just looks lost. He's good at beating people with chairs, so Albano tries to explain that means he's good at wrestling. Fuck me; after such an exciting debut earlier, this promo was one hell of a mistake.

Again: this shit is not live, people.

Captain Lou Albano shills The Beach Brawl. He never actually says the name or anything, but he at least does get the date right.

Don Muraco vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Where's Fatu? Don't get me wrong; I thought The Samoan Swat Team sucked in WCW, but I'm a completist so bring them all here! The Samoans attack Muraco before he can even get his shirt off.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

So you've got Samu - a younger, less shitty wrestler - but you instead insist on having an old garbage wrestler like Afa wrestle on the show? That's so UWF.

Ask The Wrestlers

Herb can't believe the balls of Dan to ask this. Orton says that Tolos is only giving him advice during the matches and he makes him a better person.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Carmine Albano
Next week, Orndorff will face 'Dr. Death' in a steel cage match! I wonder what type of nonsense will happen to make sure we don't get a proper finish. It'll be tough to do in a cage, I'm sure, but no doubt Herb can find a way... John Tolos joins the commentary team and compares Bruno to a flock of chickens? Bruno questions Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton's credentials as a tag-team.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash

The ring announcer sounds like he's speaking through a broken cellphone speaker.

We get a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud but with still photos instead of much of the video footage. And Craig just talks all over 'Dr. Death's promos so you can't hear what he was saying. Quality promo package. 'Dr. Death' tells us he knows about many steel things and believes winning will make him the champion or something. Dude must have missed the tournament announcement.

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

The UWF superstars train at The Power Shack gym, so you should buy their t-shirt.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno believes this will be a big test for Wet N' Wild. Didn't this same match happen last week?? Why is it more of a test now? The problem with this match is Orton is good, Cactus Jack is OK, and Wet N' Wild are fucking terrible. Craig starts making fun of Tolos being dressed like a High School PE teacher and I can't help but agree. Dude should be wearing fancy suits. And I should be watching something else.

Draw via double disqualification, I guess

Tolos chokes Sunny Beach while Orton & Jack beat 'Wild Thing' with a surfboard. Do it some more!

Surf's up, Dude!

Remember when Steven Seagal starred in actual theatrical releases??

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is a great promo sometimes.