UWF Fury Hour: Episode 35

UWF Fury Hour Episode 35, 1st July 1991

UWF is like the past except people make explosion noises when they are slammed. WELCOME TO THE BEACH BRAWL!

It's the same intro from Craig and Bruno, except this time when Craig sends us to the show we get... an ad for AT&T.

Boris Zhukov (w/Mr. Red) vs Paul Samson
The ring announcer tells us "his oppponent weighs his opponent"? There is absolutely ZERO crowd response. Mr. Red calls both wrestlers professionals bahahaha. Anyone watching this match would argue differently - Samson can't even keep hold of an arm. And Zhukov runs the ropes like the ring is full of custard and he's trying not to splash any on his tights.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via clotheslines to the back of the head

That was just bad.

Craig and Brian are back in the office for a performance review with Mr. Red and Boris Zhukov.

Mr. Red just shouts at them, demanding they have to pay if they want to ask questions, but then decides they just need to use manners instead. I'll take money over manners, thanks. Mr. Red explains that he is such a staunch supporter of Russia because everyone in his hometown are wimps. Craig asks to wear Zhukov's hat, but then immediately takes it off and complains about it. Rude. Then he and Brian make fun of Zhukov's pay at The Beach Brawl. 

There was an advertisement for a wrestling show that featured a tag-team and their manager that I didn't recognise, so I thought maybe the UWF had some new exciting people coming in! Turns out it was an advertisement for a totally different wrestling promotion and TV show. 

The UWF have changed the date for their next tapings. Between that and the network advertising a different wrestling show, I'd say the future is looking good for the UWF!

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I'd review again, but fuck that.

No winners because of total bullshit IN A STREET FIGHT

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff
Quick and painless.

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup pin with bridge or whatever

After the match, Captain Lou Albano beats up Mr. Red and steals his pants because Albano is a dirty old man and also can't afford his own pants.

So, like, we've now had almost every match except the main event. How is that going to be stretched out for another 3 weeks??

The Generic Offices of Brian and Craig interview Mr. Red. Again?

Fuck you! Mr. Red is angry. So am I - I have to listen to Mr. Red some more! What the fuck? They keep saying Boris Zhukov lost at The Beach Brawl - we just saw the match 10 minutes ago and he fucking won! Mr. Red threatens to bring in more Russians until the UWF is just full of Russians. Then why don't you just go join a wrestling federation in Russia?? Red wants to take over Captain's Corner - would that make it the Mr.'s Corner? Brian says stealing his pants was Albano "just doing his job" - his job is stealing pants?? Mr. Red tells them to look in his eyes and Brian is like "not too close". Brian is actually fucking great. The fun part is Mr. Red's hillbilly accent makes his name sound like Mr. Ed, so it sounds like he's talking about the talking horse... who would actually be a great addition to the UWF roster.

Oh shit I had forgotten about when toothpaste came in a 'pump' like it was some amazing technological advancement.

Next week is more from The Beach Brawl. Just give me more office interviews and I'm a happy man.

Thoughts:

• This was bad.
• Really bad.
• WCW had P.N. News and his hilariously bad attempts at rapping, plus The Desperadoes looking for Stan Hansen. This show had Mr. Red, followed by the worst matches from The Beach Brawl, sandwiched with more Mr. Red.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 31

UWF Fury Hour Episode 31, 3rd June 1991

New York! I'm excited because it's the last episode before The Beach Brawl and THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!!!

Herb is still in the editing room, warning you there will be a lot of talk about The Beach Brawl today, including a press conference or something. It's a "dynamite episode" you say? The lineup says otherwise...

Today we get two editions of Captain Lou's Corner? Oh fuck you! I'll blow you up with dynamite?

Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red) vs Chris Michaels (w/American flag)
Koloff has a manager now? We already had Mr. Black, now we've got Mr. Red - is this Reservoir Dogs? Mr. Red is bitching about Captain Lou Albano doing something to him... except this is the first time he's appeared?

He has a thick redneck accent, and then berates the New York crowd for being hillbillies. Bruno is like 'WTF? Does he even know where we are?'

Winner = Ivan Koloff via choke

Ivan beats Michaels with the chain after the fight, while Mr. Red distracts the referee. Why? The fight's over - the referee means nothing now. Holy shit, here comes Bob Backlund to make the save and keep us stuck in the 1970's.

Don Muraco has things to say to Terry Gordy. Terry Gordy just wants to talk about a parking lot.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy says Don Muraco is a big man with a big reputation. He expects bombs will explode at The Beach Brawl. Captain Lou does not agree with Gordy's tactics but does respect his skills. Fuck off.

The UWF crew sit down to predict the main event. Bruno picks 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams to win, due to his experience and conditioning. Craig and Brian both pick Bam Bam Bigelow to win because he's a big fat dude and he's hungry? He's going to eat 'Dr. Death'? Herb agrees with Bruno and just looks unhappy in general.

Oh wow we're now actually getting a full rundown of the card for (The) Beach Brawl. It looks... like an episode of The Fury Hour.

Wet N' Wild vs Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno is slowly losing patience pretending to care about Wet N' Wild. Tolos is just nonchalantly beating Steve Ray with a chair and it's hilarious.

Sunny Beach hits a bulldog on one of the twins and Craig calls it a "powerbomb maneuver". The Power Twins bring in the surfboard. Bruno thinks they should be disqualified since they used it first, even though Wet N' Wild are the ones that get an advantage from it.

Draw via double-disqualification

Tolos beats Sunny Beach with his shoe. Craig calls Beach "sexy" so it's official - the lead commentator is blind.

The UWF will hold another show the night before (The) Beach Brawl and it actually looks somewhat interesting!

Beach Brawl Press Conference
Bam Bam Bigelow has decided to go full on bad guy for this. Which is weird, considering he's been a good guy since he arrived and 'Dr. Death' has been a real shit since about episode 2.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is joined by The Power Twins and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. Apparently 'The Golden Greek will be spending some time in a cage?? Tolos: "I'm a man! I'm a man! A real man!". Albano repeats that he will be put in a cage. WHEN AND WHY FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?! And now Tolos is calling some guys "insects". WHO??!??!

The (Killer) Bees vs Cash Jackson & Jobber Calhoun
I'm not going to lie to you, loyal readers; I lost interest in this match about 5 seconds in when The (No Longer Killer?) Bees came to the ring without wearing the old Bee masks or yellow jackets. I guess they lost all that swag along with the "Killer" part of their name?

Winners = The Bees via dropkick from 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell

Is Brunzell still 'Jumping' Jim or did he lose his nickname as well? Also, how much plastic surgery has the guy had??

Beach Brawl Press Conference part II
Bam Bam Bigelow justifies being fat because he's strong and works during the day...

Is 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams calling Bigelow "Polly"? He says he has flames on his feet that will remove Bigelow's tattoos or something. Don't ask me.

Ask The Wrestlers

Muraco says he has fought everyone but the toughest were Ivan Koloff and Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka. You never fought me! Snuka killed a lady; don't know if that's "tough", but it sure is shitty.

Nikolai Volkoff is proud to be Russian and also a US citizen. Sound like the worst of all fucking worlds, right there.

Nikolai Volkoff vs The Beast
The Beast punches Volkoff in the balls, but I guess low blows are legal in the UWF? Volkoff hits the worst spinning kick I've seen today. 

Winner = Nikolai Volkoff via clothesline

These Russians sure do like their clotheslines...

That's it??

Thoughts:

• Herb looks absolutely miserable. It's like his investment is not going so well, or something...
• This was the go-home to their first pay-per-view event, and it ended with Nikolai Volkoff and The Beast - two guys NOT on the pay-per-view.
• WCW was also fucking stupid at times, but I'm still giving it the win for this week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 30

UWF Fury Hour Episode 30, 27th May 1991

Herb greets us from the editing room to tell us that tonight we'll see the UWF Sportschannel UHF Vidiot Championship Tournament semi-finals. What happened to the quarter-finals??

Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco
Bruno Sammartino is back on commentary - yay! And this match is a wild, crazy brawl - yay! And... fuck me!

Draw via double-disqualification

Apparently, this was one of the quarter-finals. Huh? Does Dr. Abrams not understand how tournaments work?

Luna Vachon says some weird stuff and The Power Twins are number one - all to promote the new TV Champion at Beach Brawl?

Holy fuck we really are off to the races here.

Captain Lou Albano has yet another ad for the hotline and begs people to call him. He seems lonely.

Colonel DeBeers is back with a big black dude called Mr. Black as his servant or something. This just proves DeBeers is an equal opportunity employer.

Colonel DeBeers (w/Mr. Black) vs Soul Train Phillips
Craig says Mr. Black is DeBeers' "aide" and then straight up calls DeBeers "the racist from South Africa". Soul Train goes for the pin, but DeBeers knocks him into the referee. Which leads to DeBeers stomping the referee and then a shot of the crowd... worshipping DeBeers??

Odd shot to cut to. DeBeers gives Soul Train the DDT on the concrete carpet.

Winner = Soul Train Phillips via disqualification

I've already had ads for The Beach Brawl twice, Captain Lou's hotline, Weight Gain 3000, The Beach Brawl again and now the Power Line.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Quarter-Final
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Will this last longer than the previous quarter-final? Bruno says 'Wild Thing' needs to improve. Once again, Bruno with the brutal honesty. Craig lists off the other quarter-finals and it's hilarious because we've already seen Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy and Herb told us who will be in the semi-finals. Not to mention they've been advertising people like B. Brian Blair as having matches at Beach Brawl that are clearly not part of the tournament. These two have been fighting outside the ring now for like a count of 70, yet other matches get counted out in about 3 seconds.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slam thingee

Herb gets in the ring and seems to talk some shit to Steve Ray, who then takes a swing at Herb. So Herb runs behind 'Dr. Death' for safety. Apparently some sort of personal issue here, or maybe an attempt at some kind of worked shoot. Who the hell knows?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton wants to see you at The Beach Brawl! Is it The Beach Brawl or just Beach Brawl? I'm honestly confused...

B. Brian Blair vs Power Twin #1 (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos & Power Twin #2)
Aren't the Power Twins' names Larry and David? Holy shit - wouldn't Larry David be an awesome wrestling manager?!? Oh, we are just sticking with calling them "Power Twin #1" and "Power Twin #2" because Bruno straight up said he has zero interest in learning their names and who am I to argue with Bruno? The Power Twins keep swapping places like some sneaky bad guys, but Blair still keeps beating them up. He attempts his shitshooter so the other Power Twin hits him with a shoe. 

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification

'Jumping' Jim Brunzell runs out to make the save! Yay! It's the tag-team reunion no one asked for! So the director again cuts to the nerds in the crowd doing the worship thing.

I'm genuinely tempted to order Bruno's book the next time Book Depository give me a coupon.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still blasting his arms.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is back! He calls Terry Gordy a "young man" so I look it up and in 1991 holy shit Terry Gordy was 30 years-old! I would never have guessed that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Joshua Bengorian vs The Beast
This Bengorian guy looks like the biggest fucking dork and comes out to traditional Jewish music or something.

Apparently he's ex-Israeli military like Gal Gadot. The commentators choose to make fun of The Beast and I'm like 'guys, The Beast is actually the least awful thing happening here', because - unbelievably - Bengorian is more awful than he looks. Bruno quickly realises I'm right and starts burying the guy. Dude hits three clotheslines and Craig calls each one "The Israeli Airforce Bomber".

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via clothesline from the middle-rope that is also called The Israeli Airforce Bomber

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy turned out to be The Bounty Hunter - they're both tall and shit.

Herb tells us that Cactus Jack didn't show up for his quarter-final match against Bam Bam Bigelow and instead of showing us all the subsequent drama that took place in the ring, Herb describes it to us. Seriously. And then announces that the final of the tournament will be Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. So out of 3 matches only 1 dude actually had to win a match to make it to the final? And what happened to the 4th quarter final??

The commentators talk about Beach Brawl happening next week. Craig needs a fucking calendar.

Thoughts:

• This may actually be the worst tournament I've ever seen; one quarter-final was thrown out after 30 seconds, another wrestler advances without actually wrestling, and then another quarter-final didn't even take place. What in the actual fuck is this nonsense??
• Joshua Bengorian can go stick a dreidel up his pee hole.
• WCW was absolutely better this week. Me blowing my nose was better than this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 25

UWF Fury Hour Episode 25, 22nd April 1991

We open with a recap of the previous episode's ending, except this time there is no commentary and it actually makes the whole thing look a wild brawl. Herb is most upset about what happened to Don Muraco.

Don Muraco says he is all about getting involved.

Don't stick your nose Terry Gordy's business! He rambles and stutters for so long - including some sort of world tour where you can't stick your nose in his business - that they eventually fade out.

Tonight we will see Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy! Call me a pessimist, but I highly doubt that match is ending cleanly...

Craig and Bruno are here to talk more about the upcoming UWF Sportschannel TV Washing Machine Champion tournament. Bam Bam Bigelow is here tonight and Bruno thinks he is one of the favourites to win the tournament. Bam Bam the TV Champ has a certain ring to it. Craig keeps trying to start rumours that Bruno is entering the tournament himself. Stop trying to disappoint me! Herb doesn't listen, and instead runs down the shittiest list of wrestlers possible. Except for Bam Bam Bigelow, of course.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a stupid long promo for his hotline.

The Beach Brawl is coming!

Pretty sure it's just been 10 minutes of promos and shilling so far.

John Tolos calls Cactus Jack "Nuts". And that's what he wants in his "stable".

Chris Michaels vs Cactus Jack
Advertising tickets for Beach Brawl is more important than watching this match, apparently. And by "apparently" I mean it absolutely is because I'm pretty sure they aren't selling any. Cactus Jack does a leap to the "hard cement floor".

Winner = Cactus Jack via countout

Michael Keaton playing a tough cop, while Sylvester Stallone is doing a silly comedy? 1991 was backwards world!

Why, yes - I would pay $2 to talk to Bruno Sammartino. About anything. Even the UWF.
Especially about the UWF.

The Power Twins vs S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) & Johnny B. Good
One of the twins gets into it with Herb ringside. Bruno thinks maybe Herb didn't buy a ticket.

John Tolos joins the commentary team YAY! He thinks everyone else should retire. TV is for "beautiful people" so Bruno and Craig should be maybe allowed to do radio instead. Johnny B. Good is such a pro he can barely get in the ring. Holy moly he may actually be the worst-looking wrestler I have ever seen - and I've watched 24 episodes of the UWF! The Director agrees and plugs Beach Brawl tickets instead of showing the match.

Winners = The Power Twins via double duplex and elbow combo

S.D. Jones did absolutely nothing while his partner got destroyed. Great comeback, Jones! He gets on the mic but there is no possible way anyone watching this could understand anything and the commentators don't even bother to repeat it. Oh wait - looks like he's calling The Power Twins back to the ring to fight him alone. Where was this fighting spirit when your tag-team partner was getting embarrassed? Mr. Haiti offers to be Jones' partner and "Lenny The Matchmaker" makes it official... but The Power Twins just bail.

The shit sound system was one thing, but having Bruno and Craig talk over the whole time when even they didn't know what was happening did not help.

'Mr. Wonderful' reminds you to drink that thick rich milkshake.

Captain Lou's Corner
S.D. Jones is back. He and Albano just talk over each other while saying nothing, except that they like each other a hell of a lot more than I like either of them.

Jeebus now we get another promo for Albano's "rapline". I promise you, half of this show has just been people shilling shit.

THE BEACH BRAWL! Now with added seagull and waves sound effects for more beach!

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Bigelow beats up both Samoans while the commentators talk about New York.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via disqualification

People try to throw Paul Orndorff around so he has to stay buffed to make sure it doesn't happen.

The UWF wrestlers are serious about training at The Power Shack.

"Tell your cable operator you want to see The Beach Brawl!" so they can laugh at you?

The Cheetah Kid vs The Beast
Battle of the jungle? Craig and Bruno spend half the match wondering if The Beast is hiding an international object, then he uses one and they still can't figure it out. The Cheetah Kid is a combo of aerial moves at turtle speed.

Winner = The Cheetah Kid via top rope senton or something that just kind didn't really look all that great

Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy
Muraco gets the upper hand... so 'Dr. Death' comes out and attacks him.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

Beat down of Muraco to end the show.

Thoughts:

• I was pretty over the ads about 10 minutes in. Then they just kept going. 
• There may have been some wrestling on the show... but looking at these results, I don't think it was worthwhile.
• While I prepare this for posting, I'm listening to this. Incredibly fitting.