A NEW Worship Song for New Life Church

Ooooooooh black jerseys
Running across a big square field
Ooooooooh they tackle each other
And spit because they are so tough

I want to be just like them
If only I could be just like them
That’s my only goal – to be like them
And no one else ‘coz they’re my reason for living

Thank you, Jesus
For giving us the All blacks
Thank you, Jesus
For making them the greatest people in the world
Thank you, Jesus
For giving your life for me
There is nothing that could take me away from you
Except for when there is an All Blacks game on TV
So thank you most of all for the All Blacks
Their drinking/fighting/group sex culture is on-ly way to beeeeeee
Yeah

Rugby: The One Holy Game

I am now officially ashamed to have ever been a part of a "New Life" church:

Let's Watch the All Blacks at Church

I'm not really sure why a church would actually promote staying up all night and eating junk food (especially to teenagers), but I guess it's all about making people happy and all that.

The actual printed version of the article I read this morning is even more ridiculous, so if you have the means I recommend reading it. It stated that other churches are planning on screening the final rounds before church services start, and even included this quote from "a spokeswoman for the Northwest New Life Church (I don't even want to know who it was) :

"We didn't want to make people choose between rugby and church. It
will be a good test of faith if we lose."

Now doesn't this just completely go against what some people in that very same church often preach about? Aren't certain 'leaders' always saying "put God first in every area of your life", yet the whole church is getting put to the side in order to accommodate the congregation's need to watch the All Blacks lose another World Cup? And her statement is basically saying when the All Blacks lose, those people are going to find it hard to worship God - so I guess that means that everyone will be able to praise God so much more if they actually win.

Oh yeah, I'm sure that's who you will be praising.

No offense to all the people from Northwest that read my blog, but I surely will not be attending any of your services when those games are shown.

Go New Life churches! Good to see those hundreds of thousands of dollars you all spend on state of the art audio & visual systems are finally being put to good use!

This Is Freedom of Speech???

Quick blog time...

This is a link to the recent blog from my friend Lou. I want you to go view it now and then come back and read the rest of my blog.

reduced to banality

Done?
You get what was happening?

Are you as angry as I am?

I don't get it; I'm surrounded by so many people in the church who are so in love with America and act like it is the promised land. You can all argue about Iraq, you can argue about this "war on terror" and you can argue about the 2000 election all you want. But answer me this: where the hell is the justice in this? America preaches that line about having "Freedom of Speech", yet when someone asks questions they get arrested and tazered?

I want to hear some of you American wannabes justify that to me. I really do.

That scene angered me that all I could say involved a swear word (hence the swearing in my comment to Lou, and anyone who knows me knows that that it takes a lot for me to swear outright). I'm still angry and sick to my stomach. I can't be bothered writing anything else here. It will be continued in my next blog (when I finally get around to finishing this whole The U.S. vs John Lennon stuff - and how ironic considering this sort of crap is what I was going to write about)

Can I get a "F*** You, USA!" from the congregation?

Terror Toons

What do you get when you cross a group of porn 'film' makers, $2,000 and a script written in the backseat of a car? I wish didn't know... but you are about to find out, as I present to you a review of Terror Toons!
We are introduced to the 'film' by a man standing in front of a black tarpolan with white circles painted on it - so you just know this movie is high budget entertainment! He begins to tell us the background of the evil main characters "from the cartoon dimension" (the most evil of places), Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin! I'm sure I would be scared, but he delivers his lines like Hayden Christensen trying to cut a wrestling promo. And he's about as menacing as a 15 year-old working on the drive-thru at Burger King.

And so the movie begins, as we suddenly see a man-child tied to a table in cartoon world. Dr. Carnage enters and attacks with his "cartoon" violence. He looks a lot like a puppet to me, and call me a purist, but I don't consider puppets to be cartoons. Anyway this retard keeps making silly faces, while Dr. Carnage begins to hack at him with a large novelty scalpel until he disembowels him and completely removes the skull - with eyes still attached.

The purist in me wants to bitch about how I've never seen that in any of the cartoons I watch, but then I decide that if I'm stupid enough to watch this then I deserve what I get. I'm sure this movie is like a forgotten plague from the bible:
"And on the 7th day, all of Egypt will watch in horror as a man in a poorly made costume butchers the worst actors in the world, while one dimensional gif images bounce along after him"So it would seem that whole opening sequence had nothing to do with the rest of the movie, because now we are back from the "cartoon dimension" and join someone in the bath tub. And whoever they are, they must be pretty freekin' stupid, because they can't get the words right to "Rubber Ducky"! The just keep singing "Rubber Ducky, hmmmm mmmm mmmm... Rubber Ducky, hmmmm mmmm mmmm". Turns out this musically impaired individual is some guy dressed up like a 6 year old girl. No wait - he just stood up and I'm guessing those giant brown balloons pinned its chest means it is actually a female. Either way, she is still dressed like a 6 year-old (even though she looks like she's about 30) - the whole thing is just a little too creepy for my liking.

She calls for her "Mom", who turns out to be an old man in drag. She and her strangely normal looking Husband are going away on holiday, leaving this surgically enhanced little boy and her sister alone. The Mother says they aren't allowed any boys over and then leaves. Firstly, after saying "No Boys", I wonder if they will follow that rule? And secondly, what normal parent expects their 5 year-old fake-chested hermaphrodite to invite boys over?

That was the weirdest sentence I think I've ever written.

Anyway, little miss "I got basketballs stuck to my chest so people would stop thinking I was a guy" sits down to watch a video she got in the mail called "Terror Toons". If I'm going on about her chest, I can't help it. It is seriously disgusting - she's not a large girl and these plastic sacks look like they weigh more than her. It's amazing how much money some girls will pay to look so much worse. And the fact that they've cast her as a little girl just really makes me question what audience they made this for, and if the FBI are going to soon raid my house and arrest me for purchasing soft kiddy porn. Actually, I didn't buy this - Jeremy bought it for me for my birthday. So if I'm going down, you're coming with me, sucka! That'll teach you to buy me birthday presents that cause my brain to vomit inside my head.

Where was I?
Enter the sister we haven't seen yet, and jeepers she looks old!
There are some seriously weird genes going on in this family; either there is supposed to be a 40 year age gap between the two, or she also looks very old for her age. I think they have names, but I don't care right now. The old one is with a friend and she looks about half her age. The young one leaves and the friend says "Y'know, your sister's kinda weird"
Amen to that

So inflata-sister goes to watch the evil cartoon. And just in case you didn't guess this cartoon was evil. we see it was directed by THE DEVIL!!!
The cartoon involves the Dr. back in the cartoon dimension with his side-kick Max Assassin - a guy in a monkey costume. More like a monkey mask and gloves, because other than that he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and they're pretty lousy even by a monkey's standard.The older sister and her friend invite over some boys (OH NO - they didn't listen to their parents! I hope that doesn't come back to haunt them...) And then it's back to the pain of Dr. Carnage and his wonderful cartoon world, where he and his monkey attack people in 'wacky' ways

I've seen better animation from disabled children in India using an Amiga 500 and some string. The string is to hang themselves instead of having to watch this. Alas, I gave my flatmates my shoelaces earlier in anticipation of such an act, so there is no escape for me. The things I do for you all...

The other girls and their fellas can't decide on what game to play - strip poker, or ouija board. So they agree on a compromise; strip ouija. The ouija board will tell them what clothes to take off. And who said this script isn't intelligent? But again the creep factor climbs another notch; that one girl is so much older than the rest, it's like they are playing with their Mother!

Meanwhile, Dr. Carnage and the monkey magically fly out of the TV and kill little Barbie wannabe girl. Lesson to all women; having a cartoon body won't protect you from cartoon violence.


The game of strip ouija winds down after Cindy (yes I finally caught the older sister's name) ignores the constant pressure from the guys to take her shirt off. Thank you Cindy for not giving in to peer pressure, even if it does mean disobeying the ouija. No wait, they are starting another "Shirt, shirt, shirt" chant. But Cindy stays strong. Good for you - you are a model to middle-aged Mothers everywhere.

Suddenly, a mirror ball is lit up in the living room and some crappy attempt at dance music starts playing. One of the hunks asks Cindy "Who are they?" but of course, because this movie is so well made, we don't actually see who he is talking about until 10 minutes later! I'm not kidding - we didn't even see an image of them before he asked it. What kind of crap amateur video is this? Anyway, after what is possibly the worst reveal shot in the history of film (just to really compound the stupidity here) we eventually see Dr. Carnage and Max the Monkey Faced Man in the lounge. And they begin dancing. Remember that scene in Hitch where Will Smith is teaching Kevin James how to dance, and when Will doesn't like his dancing he slaps him? Well, judging by his reaction in that scene, Will Smith would have rolled in here and Chris Benoit'd a whole lot of morons had he seen this. But I don't think he would have bothered leaving Bibles next to their rotting carcases, because I don't even think God's mercy covers awful stuff like this. Cindy and her children show their mental capacity by laughing at them, until Eddie laughs his brain out. And no I'm not kidding.


Sorry Doc, but I can't give you the credit for that kill. Eddie's lousy personal hygiene must have had something to do with it.



The others escape, but not for long; Rick gets hypnotised by a spinning picture outside the door and blows chunks on the girls. Don't think he'll be scoring tonight. He gets captured by the villains and tortured with cardboard knives anyway. About time

And now everyone is captured, leading to a magic show (?) where Cindy yells "You're animals - both of you! Horrible, filthy animals!" at Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin. Considering Max is a monkey, that was quite astute of her. Long story short, Cindy screams a lot, her friend gets cut in half, and cartoon vultures fill the screen. And I drink some battery acid to numb the pain

Now Cindy gets magically sent to Hell to meet the Devil, who is reading the latest Hollywood news. He explains his evil plan to destroy the world and finally gain some respect. I'm surprised; despite the fact that he sounds terribly drunk and it looks like he's reading cue cards, he is easily the best actor in this entire movie. It's just a pity he is overshadowed by ground-breaking special effects.

Cindy turns into a superhero and threatens to kick the devil's ass, to which he turns himself into a cheesy flame and disappears. On a side note, that was the longest part of dialogue in this entire pile of junk (other than the "shirt" chants) - took up at least 15 minutes.

Cindy finds the machine that is making the DVDs, and instead of destroying it and defeating the Devil like she said she would, she just stands there and looks at it for about 2 years. Then she plays with some buttons, until she is attacked by Max Assassin. She quickly uses her super powers to defeat him, and then kills Dr. Carnage when she slices his rubber head in half and some more drawings fill the screen. I hope when I die that some crappy drawings of Kiss can come out and rock the house...

Then her parents come home and find all the carnage.

They scream in terror, she screams with laughter, and I sing a merry song to celebrate the end of 70 minutes of pure agony.




Until we go to the neighbour's house and see a little boy excitedly grab his Terror Toons DVD out of the mailbox.




I'm not even touching the sequel.

The U.S. vs John Lennon pt 1

One report out of the way, so I thought I would squeeze a little bit of blog action.

So as said in my previous blog, I watched The U.S. vs John Lennon a few nights ago and it really touched a couple of nerves with me. The first thing I want to touch on is this: John Lennon kicked ass!

With all that has been going on in the world the last few years, with the comparisons of Georgie W. Bush to Richard Nixon, and with all the comparisons of the war in Iraq to Vietnam, I think it is very easy to also say John Lennon's music has relevance to our times. And in fact, I say that - nay, I declare that - with full confidence.

The last few years has seen many musicians speak out against the Bush administration (except for idiots like Britney and Bono. Don't get me wrong, I like U2, but anyone who supported Bush invading Iraq has a table reserved in the stupid section) and a lot of it has really just seemed so superficial to me. Most of the music we get exposed to is such blatant protest, but yet fails to make any real connection. The latest example I can use would be Pink's single Dear Mr. President, where she explains to Bush that he doesn't know what it is like for struggling Mothers. Sorry, but neither do you, Pink - unless you've suddenly gained some children and all those millions you made from being a cheesy pop skank have suddenly disappeared.

What's lost is the genuine desire for peace, the genuine love. Something that I was reminded of while watching this documentary: Lennon's message of peace and love in his music was so simple and so true - the message that we can have peace, but we've got to want it. He wasn't saying "I hate Nixon/We should all hate Nixon/You don't know what it's like for us struggling people/I hate Nixon"*, he was singing "Give Peace a Chance" and "Imagine all the people/living life in peace"

And he didn't just sing it - he lived it. He wasn't just hiding behind a song; he was involved with protests to free wrongfully imprisoned activists, he was marching on the streets with everyone else against the Vietnam War, and he was using every single bit of his celebrity status to raise awareness of the issues and promote the idea of peace - no matter how stupid it often made him look. That to me is one of the big key differences between Lennon and most of these modern "protestors"; while they say "George Bush sucks!" to look cool, most people shook their heads at Lennon's protesting.

Another major difference is that not only was Lennon terribly outspoken, but being a Beatle he had huge influence over younger people, and that was what really terrified Nixon and his administration at the time - hence Nixon got the FBI on to him. I can only just imagine how the Bush Administration reacted before the last election when there were some bands doing some sort of "Get Bush Out of Office" concert:

Staff Member: "Sir, there is a concert going on and the sole purpose is to get people to vote against you in the election!"
Bush: "Oh no! Who's performing?"
Staff Member: "The Dixie Chicks"
Bush: "Are they any kind of threat?"
Staff Member: "Well, their main audience used to be Southerners who already believe you to be a God amongst men. And now they are really only popular in other countries that don't matter."
Bush: "OK, who else?"
Staff Member: "There's also Bruce Springsteen!"
Bush: "Oh no! He's actually a well respected musician and sure to have influence!"
Staff Member: "Yes sir, but most of his fans are all burnt out old hippies that don't vote anyway"
Bush: "Well... anyone else?"
Staff Member: "Dave Grohl, and he just called you an asshole..."
Bush: "Who?"
Staff Member: "Dave Grohl - lead singer for Foo Fighters"
Bush: "A washing detergent?"
Staff member: "No sir they are a band of some sort. And they target apathetic teenagers so are about as much of a threat as a basket of daffodils"
Bush: "So what should I do?"
Staff Member: "Go home and plan for your next term as President"

Kind of shows you how gutless these musicians are these days, when Nixon uses all sorts of illegal activities to kill the voice of one man, and yet though the same tactics are now legal under Bush (that's coming up in my next one, I think) he didn't even need to use any of it because they all knew that all these musicians "speaking out against Bush" are all talk and no action. And even if they showed some sort of action, this generation is so whiny and annoying that they wouldn't stand up for anything. Except maybe Panic! at the Disco concert tickets. I hate that band.

Now I'm not saying John Lennon made a huge difference in the world - not saying that at all. But I am saying that he could have made more of an impact if Nixon hadn't have got the FBI on to him and shut him down. Darn that Nixon was a smart man. Maybe I should have started this by saying he kicked ass?


*John Lennon did write songs that were anti-Nixon such as "Gimme Some Truth", but that message is woven into the main theme of his contempt for politicians and their lack of concern for the common man or woman. That is the difference between an artist and whatever the crap you wanna call someone like Dave Grohl. I'd go with long-haired ego-centric charisma-lacking yawn-maker, but you may like to choose something else

Too Little Time

Ever have one of those weeks where you have lots to say, but not enough time?

Well, my blog is suffering that very fate; I have many things to write about, yet can't find the time. My old boss came back recently and I am now actually beginning to earn my wages by doing real financial work and not as a full time blogger. In fact, I haven't been this busy since December when I was preparing for year end. Of course, that lasted 2 days before I left everything scattered on my desk and abandoned it for Julian to finish while I ran away for a few weeks... so let's hope this time I make the most of it.

The unfortunate timing of this relates to the fact that I recently watched The U.S. vs John Lennon and it gave me many things to write about. Seriously. Not because it is an amazing documentary or anything, but mainly because there are some parts of it that really touched some nerves with me and I really want to put it all in here. So hopefully I can make time. I mean, who do I think I am trying to this boring reporting when I should be blogging?

What I will say right now is that The U.S. vs John Lennon is a very interesting watch if you don't really have much knowledge of John Lennon's involvement in the peace movement of the 70's. It starts back in the 60's with the American backlash towards his whole 'bigger than Jesus' comments (still one of the most widely misunderstood statements I know of) and goes right through to when he was finally given his green card in 1976. For me, it was a little too vague on some things, but then I pretty much knew most of what was going on.

However, there is some great footage that even I hadn't seen before, such as the last half of his argument with the editor of the New York Times (the first half can be found in the Imagine film, where John begins by complaining she put in an article about him that didn't mention anything about "Peace" - he didn't care that she was calling him a nutcase, so long as she mentioned "Peace"). But for me, even after his arrogance about people using Give Peace a Chance as the anthem for the Peace movement, showed how much ferocity he had towards getting the message out there. The look in his eyes when he tells her he was "proud they were singing my song and I'll be proud to sing it with them" was pretty intense.

And then there was his very public declaration of support for the Black Panthers, and the footage of him at various anti-war demonstrations/concerts in New York. All very worthwhile for a fan like me, and again gives a good view of his dedication to the cause.

So I do recommend this film to anyone who wants to understand how much the U.S. Government hated John Lennon, even if it isn't as detailed as I would have liked. You will still get a good understanding of how the FBI worked in those days and how it all relates to the modern times... but that I will go into in my next blog. Hopefully I'll get that up tonight or tomorrow.

Now I have to get this report finished... somehow.

My New Friend

Last night I met a new friend who is now very dear to me. In fact, he moved into my room and will be there for a while. His name is Rocky:





And no, I didn't name him - his previous owners did.

Since living in Christchurch, the last couple of months have been my first times of living without a cat. Back at glorious old Clonbern we had the lovely Oscar (who loved me when Sarah was away), and then when I first moved into Bealey Ave I soon made Ashley become my friend. But of course the ever so friendly Miriam moved out in June and took Ashley with her, leaving me without a cat to pretend was my own...

So I've thought about getting a cat since then. And then I decided against it. And then Rochelle saw Rocky on TradeMe on Tuesday, and I just couldn't resist. I mean look at him - he has markings like a cow!

So when we went round to meet him I was very scared he wouldn't like me. And he was very moody; really wasn't interested in meeting me or finding a new home. But then we got him home and it didn't take long for him to realise that I rock. He's awfully cuddly. I like him a lot and am very glad to call him my friend.

On a side note, I love that I visit Louise's blog everyday and find thought provoking blogs on politics and such... while all I can blog about it is "I like my cat".

I Continue to Sell Out

So last night I caved to public pressure... and I signed up on Facebook.

First MySpace, then Blogger, now Facebook - it's like I have to sign up for every single one of these internet-based popularity contests. And it is even more ironic, considering how much I hate people. Seriously, I have no interest in making friends in the real world, so why should I care so much about making friends on the internet?

Well, I think I can argue my case a little here. Firstly, I don't accept everyone to be my friend on MySpace; of my 68 friends, there are only 12 that I do not personally know - and that includes the Transformers, Autobots, Decepticons, each of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, MC Hammer and The Cure. But then, I do consider those to be my bestest friends in the whole wide world... Plus there are 2 people on my friends list that I really don't like. I keep them on there so I can write mean comments on their page. And they still don't delete me. Losers.

I think maybe I just like writing stupid things and having places to show my pictures of La Parka. And I like looking at the numbers; such as my blog viewing number now reaching 3000. That sort of stuff appeals to the nerd in me. That and having Donatello as my friend.

But most of all, I like the internet. I'm not really sure why, but I find it the easiest way to waste my time. There is always some sort of scandal or something that I can read about. Heck, I'm sure I can find at least 100 stories on my brother alone! Plus there is a never ending supply of pro-wrestling related humour that always provides me with entertainment.

Now I'm not sure how any of that relates to me being on Facebook... but it does, I can promise yout that. And in the end it all makes sense doesn't it?

The answer is:
No

Seriously, what was I just writing about?
Firstly we establish that I am addicted to MySpace and will soon be as addicted to Facebook. Yet I despise humans and interaction with them. Why don't I ever make sense?

Next I'll be saying I own a cellphone because I needed something black to go with my pocket.

And Because You Asked For It...

SummerSlam '07 was OK.

From what I've read, it was much better than the last few PPV's, but I guess that really isn't saying much. Some of the matches were pretty good... actually no, most were actually pretty darn boring. And then there was the pointless fake beer drinking contest (which just involved Steve Austin appearing, drinking some beer and then giving MVP a stunner. And he got the loudest cheer of the night too. Kind of makes you wonder when a guy who has been retired for how many years now gets cheered louder than people that are actually there to wrestle). The Diva Battle Royal was a mess, but not as terrible as I would have thought (but really it is just an excuse to have women in skimpy clothing). And as for Batista vs The Great Kahli...

Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero, Jr. was pretty good, though Michael Cole is officially the worst commentator I've ever heard. Makes me very glad I don't watch Smackdown! - if I yelled at my TV every week the way I kept yelling at it during this match, I wouldn't have much of a voice. Michael Cole is the Batista of commentating.

Even Triple H's return match was kinda good. I think maybe I just enjoyed seeing his entrance again - even if he did do the same darn pose about 76 times!

Anyways, for me it was all about the main event; John Cena vs Randy Orton. The crowd were so anti-Cena I couldn't believe it. And despite some reviews I've read, I thought it was a really good match. Cena won and has now been champion for almost a year - that's pretty sweet for modern pro-wrestling. No one's held it this long since Hulk Hogan in '89. Good work, Cena. Not that anyone reading this cares.

So yeah it was OK. Not great, but not terrible. Except for Batista vs The Great Kahli. That was beyond terrible. It's bad enough putting The Great Kahli in any match when he moves like a giant old-man with bad arthritis, and it's bad enough to book him in a match with a guy who must be weighed down by all the steroids he takes because he moves and has about as much talent as a block of ear wax. And it's bad enough that the wrestling highlight of the entire match was Kahli putting Batista in a freekin' "nerve hold" for around 5 minutes (to me it just looked like he was massaging his shoulder in a tender moment). But the ending just made me want to see this event as a major opportunity for terrorists to blow something up. But I knew they wouldn't save me from the torture, because who would care if you blew up those chumps?

Terrorist: "I am going to blow up SummerSlam and destroy the celebrated match between The Great Kahli and Batista!"

UN Humanitarian: "Thanks - you'll be doing my job for me!"

The match sucked - I can't stress that enough. It was worse than suckage. It was like maybe it should have been saved for Survivor Series so we could claim that as Bret Hart's revenge...

No. Bret Hart loves wrestling too much to do something like that to it.

Oh You Didn't Know?

I'm sure most people are aware of all the drama surrounding pro-wrestling at the moment. Either that or they don't care. Well, let me bring you up to speed:

After the whole Chris Benoit tragedy, there was tonnes of media attention in regards to the blatant use of steroids and other drugs in pro-wrestling, and in particular, WWE. Congress has even stepped in and requested all information that WWE has in regards to their Wellness Policy and subsequent testing. Rumour has it that Vince McMahon has not been taking this very seriously. And why should he? I mean, he's been through steroid trials before and gotten away with it - not to mention every other crime possible. I imagine he could walk into congress and say "I don't even know what steroids are! I'm an honest, church-going man living the American dream! Here - have some money" and they would just say "Thank you, kind sir. You truly are a model citizen!" and that will be it. And some poor wrestling promotion will end up getting shut down instead, just because someone has to be.

And just last week WWE got caught out yet again, when 14 of their "Superstars" were implicated in an investigation as customers of a corrupt internet pharmacy - basically they had all been buying steroids and related hormones via this internet company while this so-called "Wellness Policy" has been in place. And at least 3 of them have claimed in recent weeks that they have either never used steroids, or did but stopped when the Wellness Policy was put in place last year. 10 of them have been suspended, 1 was cleared by the company (he apparently confessed before the story broke, so they don't consider him to have commited any crime. I guess being scheduled to main event the next PPV and win the WWE Championship has nothing to do with that decision) and the others have all denied any involvement whatsoever. Again, I doubt that has anything to do with the fact that they are considered the top draws at the moment.

But then my own personal favourite article in this whole thing comes from a Repulican Congressman, who basically said the WWE Wellness Policy was a big load of crap, and that this shows they really don't follow any guidelines. It's an interesting read, so you should check it out.

Personally, if you don't think half the guys in WWE are using steroids, then you are stupid. Of course they are going to deny it, because it is illegal, but Vince McMahon is known for pushing big oversized men into the spotlight - the whole promotion is based on that.

I'm hoping that in true Vince McMahon style, this will all get turned into another angle. Over the next month or two, we'll see the company start to fall apart and it will look like he is going to prison for distributing steroids again. All the wrestlers who use drugs are all suspended or fired, so the roster consists of two "Divas", 3 referees and a steel chair. But then at Survivor Series in November to mark the 10th Anniversary of "The Montreal Screwjob", Bret Hart will come down and reveal it was him all along! He had killed Chris Benoit and filled his home with steroids and other drugs. He started this phony internet pharmacy and faked patient records to trap half of the roster. He had instructed Congress to start investigating WWE. And he had doctored all the information WWE had supplied to make it look like everyone is on steroids when they really aren't - just to get back at Vince for what happened 10 years ago! And with the depleted roster, Bret then comes down to the ring and puts Triple H's sledgehammer in the sharpshooter and wins the WWE Championship!

That would keep me watching non-stop for the next few months, that's for sure. Unfortunately, it would also mean Batista and The Great Kahli would return soon after for yet another pointless and terrible match. If only they could get busted for real. Or someone had killed them instead. I'd trade you a psychotic Chris Benoit for those two no-talent oversized sloths any day.