UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 9

UWF Fury Hour Episode 8, 26th November 1990

Today! 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong will be teaming up with Cactus Jack. I don't know who the hell he is or why I should care, but whatever.

Herb Abrams is "still trying to get over what happened last week". There was some sort of incident involving Jack Armstrong on an earlier episode? I swear - he hasn't been here before! We'll also get the finish from last week's main event. But that's all just to get you warmed up for the return of THE VIKING!!!

Nikita Koloff vs Ken Patera
Herb isn't sure Russians can count past six. Nikita goes over the top rope and the bell rings?

Winner = Nikita Koloff via disqualification

Even Herb and Bruno are like WTF?!? Apparently the referee's excuse is "Ken Patera should not have done that". Well, that was absolutely worth the wait, wasn't it!

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Robbie Allen
Herb wonders what The Golden Greek has planned for his "stable". You mean him and Orton? Dan Spivey in WCW? Maybe that's the plan - get them all real jobs in pro-wrestling with a real wrestling promotion?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via botched superplex

He's lucky that didn't end worse.

'Dr. Death' talks about fighting Paul Orndorff in New York. Cool... but when??

Larry Zybysko vs The Bulldozer
Zybysko is wearing a championship belt.

Wait - he's the UWF champion?? Oh no, he is still the AWA champion. Wait - the AWA still exists?? David Sammartino comes to the ring to intimidate Zybysko.

Winner = Larry Zybysko via slam

Sammartino leaves because a slam is oh so scary, I guess?

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs The Grappler
'Cowboy' Bob Orton and John Tolos come out, but Honey keeps them at bay with her 'stinger'. Yet she can't stop them from jumping up on the ring apron all the time.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via bad sharpshooter

After the match, Honey attacks Tolos with her 'stinger' so Orton beats up Blair and then Honey, too.

Captain Lou's Corner
Orton didn't realise it was a woman he was beating, but he feels like it was only to help equality. Tolos calls Honey a tarantula and doesn't think Albano has ever been on a date with a woman.

We get a recap from 2 weeks ago when the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud began.

B. Brian Blair is not happy about Orton's attack on Honey. Seems this is the new big feud.

THE VIKING vs Steven DeLeon
Someone in the crowd yells "He's better than Arn Anderson!". Amen! The crowd chants "VIKING SUCKS". I think they meant "VIKING SUCH AWESOME"

Winner = The Viking - who did you think??

Herb thinks The Viking looks a little less vicious this week. Steven DeLeon is still alive, so Herb is probably correct. The Viking makes up for it by pushing a little girl on his way to the back. Go Viking, go!

Andre the Giant once again assures us he is the only giant in the UWF. I haven't seen anyone else in the UWF make any sort of claims about being a giant, so I think that's all yours, buddy.

Larry Zybysko is "waiting for a man to come to Larryland".

Oh now they are replaying the end of the 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack match that I didn't get to see. 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong interfered - so I guess that's what they were talking about.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow & David Sammartino vs Cactus Jack & 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong
Bruno wants everyone to calm down so they can avoid getting disqualified - like me, he must be getting sick of every main event ending with a DQ or a count-out. The crowd seems to like Cactus Jack a lot. Strongbow does his terrible "war dance" and "war cries". Larry Zybysko comes out to watch David Sammartino and they end up arguing outside the ring - probably about who watches matches ringside better. This leaves Strongbow in the ring alone, prime for some cheating.

Winners = Jack & Jack via hitting 'Chief' Jay Strongbow with an international object 

Wait - an actual finish in the main event?? I mean, there was cheating involved, but we got an actual pinfall!

David Sammartino wants a match with Larry Zybysko. No duh.

Larry Zybysko calls himself the champion and takes credit for retiring Bruno. I thought he beat you and then got old and bored of being champion?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' are "dirty rats". Orton makes a comment about Honey all over Brian's face, which just sounds... yeah...

And we're out. Herb screams us home with: "THE FURY HOUR! ISN'T IT AWESOME?"

No, Herb. No it is not.

Thoughts:

• The Viking should have murdered another jobber. Maybe Davey Meltzer?

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 8

UWF Fury Hour Episode 8, 19th November 1990

Tonight we get the debuts of Larry Zybysko and a new wrestler called "The Wild Thing".

Where's THE VIKING?!?

Bahaha they show a queue for like hot dogs at a baseball game or something and hype it as a huge crowd at the UWF.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Riki Ataki
'Wild Thing' is immediately disliked by the crowd - someone just yelled "Get your heavy-metal punk-ass out of the ring!". He's going to be a top babyface for sure!

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via slam. Wait - slam? Really??

Bruno is impressed which shows he is a fairer man than I.

Captain Lou Albano says the UWF is the best and they're going to New York. Y'all aren't even advertising a show or anything.

Recap of Colonel DeBeers beating up the referee last week after Billy Jack Haynes chickened off. Apparently, the commissioner of the UWF didn't take any action... so he was fired? And still no one has taken action. So who fired the commissioner? And why didn't they take action? Does that mean someone should fire them, too??

'Cowboy' Bob Orton w/John Tolos vs Kevin Benjamin
This must just be a clone of Kevin Benjamin because the real Kevin Benjamin was murdered a couple of weeks ago by THE VIKING!!! They continue to hype The Golden Greek's "stable"... which is currently just him and Bob Orton. Tolos has quickly gone from wearing suits and looking good, to dressing like an old man going for a Sunday stroll in the park.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Bruno expected more from the clone of Kevin Benjamin. Why?

Promo for Bruno's autobiography. Easily the most worthwhile commercial.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Steven DeLeon
Battle of the Stevens? Herb says Dr. Death is the number one contender for the title. A title that has no champion.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slamming thing.

Captain Lou's Corner
Andre the Giant is back?!? Haha I guess I was wrong! Albano has a toy of Big John Studd. Andre doesn't like being compared to a toy, so breaks it. Albano starts shouting, while Andre tells him to calm down. Albano says something about Andre having mobility? BAHAHAHAHA

'Cowboy' Bob Orton is part of 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos' stable. A stable with no one else. Apparently Dan Spivey is now in Greece... but WCW is in Atlanta...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Spitball Patterson
Herb: "This Spitball Patterson who... a... he knows what's happening".

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Dr. Death attacks Orndorff and goes for his turnbuckle-slam finishing move thing, but Orndorff turns it around. And then gets smacked with a chair for his troubles. A bunch of jobbers come out to try and save him. Herb loses his shit and shouts "Holy Cow!" about 10 times.

Now we get a recap of the Mr. Wonderful/Dr. Death feud so far, including a backstage brawl that hadn't been seen before.

Captain Lou Albano catches up with Dr. Death. He says he doesn't attack people from behind... and then tells everyone to watch their backs.

A bleeding Paul Orndorff tells Herb he'll never forget this and in my absolute favourite pro-wrestling cliche, he says he wants a match with Dr. Death... in the future! Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even a month from now. But one day! He must be really mad!

Nikita Koloff vs Ken Patera
Bruno expects a "power match" but suggests "maybe they'll surprise us with a wrestling match featuring clever moves". I'm not as optimistic as Bruno Sammartino. Almost immediately, we are apparently out of time so the rest of the match will be shown next week. But we still have time for one last ad break. Cool.

Thoughts:

• What happened to Zybysko's debut? Why even mention it at the start if you weren't going to show it??
• Are we getting a new commissioner?
• Why does Captain Lou Albano keep stirring up trouble?

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 6

UWF Fury Hour Episode 6, 5th November 1990

TONIGHT! Billy Jack vs Ken Patera battle to determine THE MASTER OF THE FULL NELSON

Oooh the intro has been updated - now we've got a Rocky-inspired theme song, complete with 'fighting' montages! Along with some random photos of Hollywood scenery.

Herb and Bruno are here! Tonight we have the Kings of the Full Nelson! Plus the usual wrestlers and THE VIKING!!!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Gary Keys
Some dude is holding up a Four Horseman sign and I can't help but imagine a world where Ric Flair bailed on WCW a year earlier and turned up in UWF to battle Paul Orndorff. 

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Orndorff talks about Dr. Death jumping him from behind. Did that happen? I thought they had a match that ended with a bullshit double count-out.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack
Strongbow's entrance music is less Native American and more Japanese sounding. But he is also less Native American and more Italian American, so whatever. Herb says Strongbow showed his his teepee - and it's a big one! Bruno is just like 'What the fuck are you talking about?!?'. Strongbow's "war dance" is hilariously bad; less Native American war dance, more kid trying to kick ants out of his pants. Wait - my episode is cut! I don't have the end of the match!!

Winner = Logman via not having to watch the whole thing

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Michael Moore
Herb immediately lets us know that Orton will easily win. Shocker! Orton hits his top-rope suplex and Herb goes absolutely nuts.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Herb wants to see him do that to Orndorff. Biased jerk! I thought you supported the good guys??

Nikita says he hasn't liked what's been happening in professional wrestling until he saw UWF - because these people wrestle! Tell that to 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack!

Captain Lou's Corner
Today, Captain Lou Albano is 'live' in the middle of the ring. HOLY SHITBALLS IT'S ANDRE THE GIANT!!!

He came here because the UWF is the best in the world. OK. Andre is confused and thinks UWF stands for U Want to Fight?

THE VIKING!!! and his plastic hammer have "a message for Mr. X and Mr. B: I'll be back!". Dude, where are you going??

THE VIKING vs Kevin Benjamin
Herb and Bruno can't get over Andre the Giant coming out to say "Hi". Who cares, now that THE VIKING is here?!? THE VIKING is so far ahead of the times that Bruno doesn't even know what moves he's doing!

Winner = THE VIKING via murder

The doctor has to come out again, but this time THE VIKING is all 'this guy needs to be killed more to make it worth your time' and drops some more elbows. THE VIKING is the best!

David Sammartino vs Riki Ataki
Apparently, David came out earlier to help 'The Chief' against Cactus Jack - so that's all I missed. Herb mentions Ataki hasn't won a match in the UWF - no shit, he's a jobber and you guys make it VERY clear at the start of each match that he sucks. Poor David; his Dad is so interested in his match that instead of giving him glowing commentary he is choosing to argue with Herb about the main event.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure four boredom

Andre the Giant says we will see a lot of him here in the UWF. Spoiler: we will never see him again.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Ken Patera
Bruno thinks they are under-reporting Patera's weight. I mean, there's no weight clases, so who cares?!? Bruno does - that's who! In a complete surprise, this is the slowest and most boring match ever until Billy Jack Haynes beats up the referee for reasons.

Winner = Ken Patera via disqualification

Ken Patera teases getting back in the ring for 5 more minutes, but he already won the match so he goes home instead.

Next week: Billy Jack Haynes will rematch Colonesl DeBeers. The black referee wants to another chance to call this match. I smell screwball antics.

Thoughts:

• Andre the Giant was a hell of a get. Shame Vince cut him off on that.
• THE VIKING
• We got our first meeting of this guy: