UWF Fury Hour: Episode 39

UWF Fury Hour Episode 39, 19th August 1991

Could they not find any interesting footage of Florida, so have to keep reusing the New York stuff? Craig and Bruno are with Captain Lou Albano and promise us some new faces this week. Last week you promised a bunch of matches that didn't happen either, so fuck off.

We will finish the 'Mr. Wonderful'/Bob Orton match now, so "Sit back and enjoy and watch". Wait - you mother fuckers are playing the whole match again from the beginning?? Why the fuck didn't you just play a shorter match last week and then play this match in full this week?!?! IS THIS REALLY THIS HARD!?!?!?!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks Orndorff before the bell and punishes Orndorff's shoulder against the ring post, before getting in the ring to pose. It's actually the same strange edit as yesterday. Bruno berates the referee for not using a countout already, but I don't know, it's kinda good for a change. Orndorff tries to get in the ring, but Orton just stomps him. Eventually, he just hulks up and does some stomping of his own, so Orton rakes the eyes. 

Why am I recapping this like I think I'm some sort of pro-wrestling recapper?

Bruno wants them to stop brawling and give us a proper wrestling match. Orton is doing a boring armbar, so I would think this would be to his liking? They take it back outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is unhappy and again calls for a countout. Clearly he's on Dr. Herb's payroll. Craig seems more concerned with Orndorff's hair. Craig says he went to 'Mr. Wonderful's house to read his dictionary - sounds like a real party! 

Double Disqualification

What a surprise! They continue to brawl outside the ring, including Orndorff hitting Orton with a video tape, before beating up the referee as well. They get in the ring to continue the fight, but then Orton is all like 'Nah I'm going to get a hot dog'.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is backstage with The Keeper and The Animal. They are here and they are new - no shit. They're also fucking stupid. No shit, LOGMAN! The Animal has a soft toy. The Keeper says he stole The Animal from The Bronx Zoo. Albano just goes on a rant about how crazy The Animal is and looks, when he really just looks like a dork. Like seriously, what the fuck do cheek bones have to do with making someone look dangerous??

The UWF have ratings! Bob Backlund is "rated" #5 after wrestling a total of... 1 matches in The UWF.

Today we have a new segment! It's called 'To The Point' and it's basically The View with old men.
Herb has actually shaved, so you know he's being sincere! Despite the opening graphic calling it To The Point, Herb says it's called In This Corner. Albano wants Bruno's opinion on today's pro-wrestling. Oh, they're going to talk about Vince McMahon on trial for being a steroid fiend. Bruno is disappointed that it makes the whole pro-wrestling industry look bad, but he's hoping it forces the government to take action and clean things up. Spoiler: never going to happen. Albano says today's wrestlers need to be more like Bruno (NO SHIT) and have a good mind and good ethics and not take steroids. Herb wants to get the message out to all the young people that they should stay away from steroids - maybe just stick to fun drugs like coke? Bruno totally buries Hulk Hogan for his testimony and pretending he's never taken steroids. Herb admits they don't do drug testing in the UWF, but somehow turns this around into a promo for 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Albano tries to call Bruno a hypocrite, because there was showmanship in pro-wrestling during the 50's and 60's, but Bruno is like 'Dude, I didn't like it back then - but at least we were wrestlers!'. Then this just further descends into 'old men reminiscing about the old days' and Albano tells Herb he's doing a great job BAHAHAHAH Herb tries to reply but is cut off by going to commercial.

Wait - that was out main event? Or was it all the commercials?

Thoughts:

• Shots fired!
• Orndorff/Orton was not as good as their last match.
• There was only one match tonight. It wasn't very good but it at least it was complete for once.
• Donahue for the main event? What even is this??

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 34

UWF Fury Hour Episode 34, 24th June 1991

I guess it is time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! Wooo hoooo! I'll go stab myself now.

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
My copy joins the match in progress, which is absolutely fine with me! Craig rhymes "mere" with "hair" and is mighty pleased with himself.

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

Craig thinks this is the peak of her career. I don't know if she ever wrestled at a WrestleMania, but she did defeat the music at WrestleMania V and I'd imagine that moment was pretty up there for her! 

Craig and Brian in their empty office are interviewing Rockin' Robin.

These pictures really just reinforce that the whole thing looks like a job interview. Brian wants to know what's next: "Touring across the country with the UWF?" Oh yeah, those extensive UWF tours of... The Penta Hotel and... Florida. Robin isn't a "desk person". The irony of someone saying that when being interviewed in the most generic office ever... Craig asks her to sing and I get ready to fucking throw my TV at Craig.

Now they're talking with Candi Devine, who is wearing the same gear she wrestled in. She has no other clothes? Her and Robin have fought many times "in the mid-West and also the West".

This Jeep commercial makes me want to rock out!

Recap of the previous battles between Wet N' Wild and Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos
This match has a 45 minute time-limit draw? That's like my living limit for this match. Everything is so dark it's hard to see what's happening - if I were in the crowd, I'd be having a hard time seeing Tolos getting thrown into a cage. And not just because I'd be trying to set myself on fire. This reminds me of when Dusty Rhodes had a "gorilla" in a cage to sort out the Four Horsemen. That was fucking hilarious. This is not. Wild Thing's dropkick to knock Orton out of ring was.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton cheating fail

Jack and Orton have a rumble afterwards. Tolos blows his whistle. Foley really did bleed a lot for the several people in attendance.

Oh fuck it's an empty office interview with Wet N' Wild.

Dudes clearly look under the influence. John Tolos was suspended 20 feet in the air. No wait it was 30 feet. Now it's 35 feet. Wild Thing was inspired by a girl in his apartment or something? Herb's wife? He is giving the most rambling nonsense answers. John Tolos is gone?? Sunny Beach likes cornflakes. Bah fucking gawd this is all kinds of hilariously awful. They like sharing... and say WW (Wet N' Wild) apparently stands for "Party Time". I don't see a single W in there, you fucking dropkicks.

Next candidate Brian and Craig have to interview is 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

He calls Jack a goof and a scatterbrain. He needs to be in a ring with someone just as good as him. Apparently Tolos didn't drop brass knuckles - it was just his wallet and Orton was going to look after it until after the match. Cactus Jack is everywhere - except he's not here. Orton will stick to singles wrestling now.

Lou still wants you to call him to talk about celebrities. What celebrities does he know in 1991?

That's... it?

Thoughts:

• I remind you again - this show is NOT live. Whoever looked at that interview with Wet N' Wild and thought "Hell yeah, that's great television!" needs a serious high-five.
• It's close this week, but I'll give the win to WCW; the Desperadoes hunting Stan Hansen was hilarious. Either way, a fun week for someone that enjoys awful pro-wrestling segments.

UWF Beach Brawl

UWF Beach Brawl, 9th June 1991

Before we start, let's discuss this tournament, shall we?

The first round of matches were not aired on TV and apparently happened at 'house shows'. Did those house shows actually take place? Did these first round matches actually occur? Well, I don't know for certain. But I can't find any proof of any events happening in Texas, and I sure don't remember them advertising any events in Texas, so to see some results from a show in Texas... well, that's suspicious. Next, we look at the 2nd round. There were supposed to be four matches: The first lasted 5 seconds before being thrown out - it was clearly used to setup a match for the PPV. The second match involved 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams possibly shooting on 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray for Herb Abrams' personal vendetta. Seriously. The third match didn't happen, as one of the participants "didn't show up" so the other person advanced without a match happening. The fourth match... it's like it never existed - I have no idea who it was to have been between and it was never advertised. And thus, our final was determined with only ONE match being relevant. Remember - we were told every week this was "a format devised by Dr. Herb Abrams". Motherfucker has a doctorate in crack.

Also, I'll point out that 'Dr. Death' being the only person in the tournament to actually wrestle a match in the tournament is one reason I don't actually believe Steve Ray when he says him getting manhandled by Steve Williams was a work. 

So... yeah. The worst tournament ever is to finally be concluded tonight!

It's 4am! I've got vege dogs! I've got PepsiMax! I've got ice cream! Let's do this!!!

We open with a video package showing old wrestling clips. Really fucking old. Herb wanted to bring wrestling back to the glory days. Today the UWF will follow tradition and crown their own champion.

Also on the card: The Black Harts, Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco, The Power Twins vs Mass Confusion (FKA The Killer Bees), a "Legends Match" between Bob Backlund & Ivan Koloff, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers, and Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams.

'Dr. Death' is concentrating on stomping Bam Bam Bigelow to death.

Holy shit - the arena is dark! I guess they're trying to hide the 98% of the building that is empty?

Brian Ricco is our host or something. He can't pronounce "behemoth" properly, and brings in a very upset Herb Abrams who tries to pretend he is "elated". Brian asks who Herb thinks will win tonight and be crowned the very first UWF Sportschannel TV Champion... and Herb just simply says 'Dr. Death. Then Brian tells us there will also be a "Ladies Championship" match tonight - between two women that have never wrestled in the UWF before. That sounds about right. AND on the hotline right now is... Mr. Red? I can pay to talk to Mr. Fucking Red?? Can I also pay someone to stomp my balls??

Craig and Bruno are looking sharp tonight! They mention that Don Muraco is not here and will be replaced by Johnny Ace because he lives nearby.

Frankie E is backstage with Bam Bam Bigelow, who says he has trained and studied hard for the match tonight. He has... "hobility"? Mo' money, mo' happy! Oh shit - it's his son's 3rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Bam Bam's son! Your present is your Dad wrestling in the darkest shittiest place in Florida (which is already one of the shittiest places).

Now he talks to 'Dr. Death' and there's talk of "secrecy" in his training camp. What is he, a Formula 1 team? He says people tried to stab him in the back to get to the title. MOTHER. FUCKER. You were attacking 'Mr. Wonderful' for months! Frankie: "Strong words from a strong man".

Now it's back to Brian. Will this show ever start?!?

Honestly, the more I see it, the more it looks like a shitty WCW taping from a house show or something - pretty far from a wrestling promotion's biggest event ever.

Opening Match
The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat

Wow, what a totally PPV worthy match and like nothing we see on The Fury Hour each week! Bruno references Japanese wrestling magazines and that's seriously all I have to say about this.

Winners = The Black Harts via 'Vegematic' I think

Luna attacks The Fire Cat with a chain. It wasn't a bad match, but no one cared. Because no one cares about a couple of jobbers wrestling poorly against a tag-team that no one cares about. Also, there's no one there.

Luna complains to Brian about the match-making, so he just cuts her off to start the next match.

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I was actually wondering the other day whatever happened to Johnny Ace - and now I know he's living in Florida just waiting by the phone in the hopes someone will ask him to wrestle! Craig makes sure to point out that the crowd don't care about him. Great stuff! Terry Gordy has the best and most appropriate entrance song (Bastard by Mötley Crüe). For a 'street fight', they sure are doing a whole lot of basic wrestling moves. Bruno thinks these guys could have a wonderful technical match if they stuck to the rules - which they have been doing now for like 10 minutes. Ace goes for a move outside the ring but Gordy fails to catch him, which means we finally get some 'street fighting' in the crowd. But it's so dark, I can't see a damned thing that's happening.

No Contest via double-countout

In a fucking 'Street Fight'???
They keep 'fighting' (e.g. headlocks) but why are there little kids running around the ring? They waste more time just jawing at each other. That was OK while it lasted... but a countout in a street fight is fucking nonsense.

Bruno gives us an insight into thinking like a champion, because we need more time spent on not wrestling.

Mass/Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
Apparently The Power Twins aren't allowed to have John Tolos with them. The Killer Bees have brought back the jackets! But not the masks - which is fucking hilarious, given the name change (which has changed again in the half hour since the intro).

Craig is crying because The Power Twins throw their shirts at him. Free clothes!

Don't complain - you might need some after this. Craig: "There are no opening acts at The Beach Brawl." Motherfucker has the show not started?? BAHAHAHA Blair does that whole 'struggling to reach his corner and make a tag' spot and the Power Twin actually pushes him closer, so Blair has to pretend that he's not now right in front of his tag partner.

The Bees/Confusion put on their masks so they can swap places, but there's no fooling Bruno. If The Power Twins were doing this, y'all would be bitching so hard. Why isn't the referee questioning them putting masks on in the middle of a match??

Winners = The Killer Bees/Mass/Mask Confusion via sunset flip and mask wearing

I think I need to go watch The Killer Bees vs The Hart Foundation from one of my Bret Hart DVDs because I can't actually recall if The Bees were ever actually any good.

Hear The Beach Brawl by phone?? What the fuck does that even mean?? Is Herb going to hold the phone up near the ring so you can hear them stomping in the ring???

We've got like 5 matches left... and only 1 hour...

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
Interesting choice to completely ignore the women that have actually been wrestling on UWF shows. Craig tries to put over Robin's singing. MOTHERFUCKER I still have nightmares about that nonsense. YOU GAWDAM TRIGGERED MY WRESTLEMANIA PTSD!

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

New Champion!

That match was... not good.

Craig and Bruno think that Rockin' Robin will have a tough time defending the title. Because of the competition, the fact she's never wrestled in the UWF before, or because the UWF is about to go out of business?

Recap of the Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff feud. Which is a recap of the Colonel DeBeers and Billy Jack Haynes feud. Because Orndorff and DeBeers haven't interacted with each other even once on UWF television. Craig again mentions these are "highlights that led up to tonight's match". Riiiiight.

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
Has DeBeers always used Shout at the Devil as his entrance song? I can only assume Herb picks the music and only has one CD (Shout at the Devil). Herb being a massive Mötley Crüe fan somehow makes a lot of sense. 'Mr. Wonderful' is fucking awesome - why was he not in the tournament? Why isn't the final of the tournament a big blow-off to his feud with 'Dr. Death' with the UWF title on the line?? Bruno gives DeBeers credit for cheating - because Orndorff is so good, DeBeers needs any advantage he can get. Bruno even makes the bad guys look better.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

OK so what was the point of the strap? DeBeers reacts to his loss by attacking Orndorff with a taser. Lovely. Bruno sounds legit disgusted.

Captain Lou's Corner
Are you fucking kidding me now?? His guests are Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Albano decides he doesn't like his guests, so throws down his mic and leaves. Cool.

You can buy a souvenir programme! Imagine the wonderful information that must contain... The postal address has changed; Herb must have moved house.

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red)
Bob Backlund is "the undefeated champion of the world". Which is why he has no championship? Holy shit - the dude sure was strong!

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup

Captain Lou Albano comes back out to beat up Mr. Red.

We get a recap of the Wet N' Wild/Bob Orton & Cactus Jack feud. Which actually works, because these guys have been feuding for months and fighting each other regularly on television.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Craig is absolutely losing his shit over the "babes" walking out with Wet N' Wild.

Tolos is thrown in a cage; dude needs RoboCop to rescue him!

Doesn't take long for the referee to be knocked out, so Tolos throws Orton some brass knuckles.

But then Orton punches Cactus Jack by accident.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton fucking up

Cactus Jack and Orton get into a brawl and take it backstage.

Recap of the events leading up to our main event! Bam Bam Bigelow beat up some jobber and 'Dr. Death' won the only match of the tournament.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship
Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Herb comes out to present the championship belt and Bam Bam is like 'I just wanna fight - get the fuck outta here, Herb'.

I'm still baffled as to how Williams can be a heel since the start of this company and then you try to switch it to Bigelow at the last minute. Both men get cut open at the start. How? They were only taking clotheslines. Bigelow hits his top rope splash, but celebrates too quickly like a dork, so of course 'Dr. Death' kicks out and starts his comeback.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via powerslam

Herb runs in to present 'Dr. Death' with his new fancy belt. So can 'Mr. Wonderful' at least be the first challenger, so they can finally put an end to their feud properly?

Herb asks 'Dr. Death' what he has to say and it's just a bunch of horseshit that I can't understand. Herb throws out the challenge to all the champions "across the USA, Japan and Tokyo".

Brian Ricco now interviews 'Dr. Death' backstage. "I'm in a lot of pain right now, but that pain has all gone away" - so you're not actually in any pain, then? He wants to wrestle against bouncers and track-athletes - you know, not pro-wrestlers.

Craig thinks 'Dr. Death' is "the dictionary definition of pride'. Bruno thinks he could beat anyone in the world. Herb thinks he's already lost too much money and turns the lights out.

Then we get a recap of all the results, which actually takes longer than some of the matches.

Thoughts:

• If you call your event (The?) Beach Brawl, do some beach decorations. Throw up a fake palm tree, give me some sand or a beach ball or something. Don't make your event look like a low-budget midnight punk rock concert.
• Seeing that tiny crowd actually had me feeling sorry for Herb.
• The main event was pretty good. The 'Legends Match' was also not so bad - I'm glad they kept it short. But the rest of the show was either 'meh' or garbage or...
• A double fucking countout in a street fight after one guy doesn't show. Holy Sheet.

More WrestleMania March Madness

The Zombie of WrestleMania Future taunts me...

Bah gawd, I can't believe I'm going to do this again!

I attempted to review WrestleMania 34 or whatever it was 2 years ago. I honestly tried. But it was fucking boring and reminded me of how much I fucking hate WWE. Last year I gave AEW a chance, and while Double or Nothing was one of the absolute most awesome pro-wrestling shows I've seen in years, the remainder of their work has me thinking I just don't enjoy modern pro-wrestling. It's terrible. Just a bunch of dudes and dudettes doing a bunch of planned spots before doing the next planned spot and then a bunch of predictable shit happens and it ends and the pro-wrestling fans act like it was the greatest thing in the ever. Pro-wrestling fans are stupid. Especially WWE fans; they think my reviews of the previous WrestleManias are incorrect and unfair! So I said "Fuck you, bLog of WrestleManias!" and happily ignored the last year and accepted I would never have to review one again.

And then along came COVID-19...

At first, I was like, 'OK I might consider doing this if WrestleMania gets cancelled. I'm working from home, so I have some time'. But then WWE made an announcement I couldn't possibly ignore:

WrestleMania 2020 to take place from the WWE Performance Center with NO CROWD IN ATTENDANCE.

Holy fuck that sounds like a trainwreck of bahgawdful proportions.

And I live for it.

Imagine goofs like The Miz coming out and pointing to the no one in the crowd; wrestlers killing themselves for a dangerous spot so the no one can chant "This is awesome" during their otherwise boring match; The H Bomb having a ludicrous over the top entrance so as to impress the no one in attendance.

Sadly, what that means is I need to review the last 2 WrestleManias to stay complete. I did actually prepare a draft for WrestleMania 34 - even made my flatmate watch it with me and added her comments. But I was so bored I couldn't be bothered making the gifs and doing awards. So I'm going to rewatch and then probably offer an entirely new review. Because I kinda feel adding someone else to the mix isn't consistent with the other 33 reviews I did.

WrestleMania 35 I have not seen. And I barely know anything about.

And that would also mean watching another 14 hours of WrestleMania before the embarrassment of WrestleMania 36 - so I should be in a hell of mood to mock the shit out of it!

Will your hero survive and waste another 3 days of his life writing about 21 hours of television that he doesn't enjoy? Or will he crumble under the pressure and go back to his leisurely life of cats and the 1978 Formula One World Championship?

Stay tuned to find out!

*** UPDATE ***

I just read that WrestleMania will now be taking place over two nights.
What in the actual FUCK IS THIS?!?!
How am I supposed to treat this? Still just do one day to watch the whole event or treat them as two separate entities and watch over multiple days?

I'm confused...

WrestleMania April Madness: WrestleMania XXXIII

2 April 2017
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

Attendance: 75,245

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, David Otunga

My thoughts before this viewing:
It's Good Friday! So I'm watching WrestleMania - which makes it Bad Friday?
I have no idea what to expect here... what's on the menu? Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar? Interesting... a rematch of their "classic" bout 13 years ago, featuring an old man who hasn't wrestled since their joke of a bout 13 years ago. What else? Undertaker vs Roman Reigns? Why should I care? AJ Styles!! Vs Shane fucking McMahon?? What in the actual fuck is that supposed to be?!?!

Fuck this show.

America the Beautiful
Tinashe? Who??
The crowd agrees and boos her into oblivion. But then they like her at the end because she sang about America and shit.
6/10

Opening Video Package
WrestleMania is an amusement park ride. Gawd these muthafuckers love their video game graphics. I wish WrestleMania was as fun as a video game.
2/10

New Day are our hosts this year. I'm not sure why WrestleMania ever needs a host; in my experience, the hosts appear at the start and then only return for some tragic unfunny skit. Maybe. It takes them half an hour to make their way to the ring, which gives WWE time to introduce all 97 different commentary teams. Michael Cole pretends to know everything about Final Fantasy so kids will think he's cool. It might work, because kids are stupid. Luckily, I'm not, so fuck him.

Ad for some shit WWE phone game. It's just Bejewelled Blitz but with WWE pictures.
Kill my phone.

Video Package
AJ Styles loses. A lot.
He's angry. So am I.
He better be getting paid some serious coin to put up with this nonsense.
5/10

AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
The commentary team are very offended that AJ would be fighting his "boss". But when Steve Austin did it, it was cool? Now they're hyping Shane like he's some sort of MMA legend. I guess that's why he throws the ugliest, fakest punches on the planet.

"Shane doesn't know fear!"
He also doesn't know how to wrestle. BUT he does know how to throw fake ugly punches.
Constantly. For 15 minutes. In fact, he's been winning this entire time - what the actual fuck is this?!? He's not a wrestler and AJ Styles is the best in the world. AJ should have come in and smoked this fucker in 2 minutes, not have Shane kick out of his finisher - and then AJ has to fight off 20 different fakeass looking BJJ submission attempts. Now the Spanish announce desk gets destroyed - first match? How are they supposed to call the action for the next 5 hours? Good luck with your coverage, Mexico - your announcers will have to watch the rest of the show on their phones. They'll need to sign up to the WWE Network right away. Actually, that means 2 new subscribers - smart thinking, WWE! Unlike having Shance McMahon look better than AJ FUCKING STYLES.
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Phenomenal Forearm and not any of his actual awesome finishers
4/10

Styles won but was made to look like a chump.
Fuck this show.

Snickers made another ad where some loser eats a Snickers and then turns into Ric Flair's daughter.
Next year I will eat a Snickers with WrestleMania. And a shotgun.

Video Package
Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens were the best of friends! Except Owens was just pretending. So Jericho put Owens on his "list". Is it a list of people who think Y2J is lame and should fuck off? Feel free to add me to it.
2/10

US Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs Kevin Owens
Twitter likes Jericho's light-up scarf. Muthafuckers obviously need to pay attention at Xmas. If it were Xmas now, I wouldn't have to be watching WrestleMania. Let's go Xmas! *Clap clap clap clap*
Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following powerbomb thing on the ring apron that no one cared about
3/10
New champion!

Aaaaaand I'm bored already. Maybe I should try some tequila. Or at least overdosing on Easter eggs?

Ad for the next event - Payback.
Fuck that show, too.

They give thanks to Tinashe for singing tonight. The cover for her new single is mighty skanky, so thanks for that too?

Video Package
It looks like Charlotte and Sasha had like 158 matches. Seems boring - are there no other women in this company? Oh, now we have Bayley who I'm completely indifferent towards until they show a picture of her as a child with Bret Hart, so clearly now she must win. None of this matters, because the whole thing is set to the cheesiest music possible and is just a promo for some teen drama series like The OC.
4/10

Women's Championship
Fatal 4-Way
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Champ out first because not even a photo with Bret Hart means Bayley has personality. It just means Bret Hart will take a picture with anyone - which gives me great hope, should I ever meet him. The happy inflatable things are cooler than anyone in this match.

Nia Jax is the only woman in the history of WWE that isn't just a playboy stripper. She's The Rock's cousin and, according to Corey Graves, "wants to have the same WrestleMania success as The Rock". Didn't The Rock lose every big match he ever had at WrestleMania? I mean, he lost 3 consecutive main events at his best - if that's your goal, then feel free to aim for the fucking bottom.

Shasha gets a car or something to take her to the ring - pays to have a relative more famous than you or the WWE. Her and Bayley just look like a couple of kids playing dress-up or something - there is nothing believable about them being wrestlers whatsoever.

These entrances are taking forever. They've taken so long I could have made my birthday cake, then celebrated my birthday and eaten the cake, then done my dishes. It's not my birthday for another month. I'm totally going to order pizza and not watch WrestleMania.

Nia just destroys these women and it makes me smile. The highlight of the fucking show is watching a fat lady beat these chicks with ease. I'm telling you, being fat is a completely underrated skill in pro-wrestling.
Nia eliminated via pinfall

Oh cool - you finally get a woman that is a big unstoppable monster... and then have her stopped right away.
Sasha eliminated via head hitting an exposed turnbuckle
That's a great move. Everyone should use it all the time - except do it harder so it knocks them all out and they stop wrestling.
Winner = Bayley via pinfall on Charlotte following top rope elbow drop
4/10

Commentators call it the "Macho Man elbow". Does it make her opponent have a heart attack and crash? Apparently Randy Savage is her hero, despite her being a mere child when he died and she's probably never even seen one of his matches. But whatever.

Hall of Fame Class of 2018
They actually inducted some legit people for once. Except for some dude in a wheelchair whose only tie to pro-wrestling is he maybe bought a John Cena t-shirt once. I'm here writing about every WrestleMania ever so I am way more deserving. Kurt Angle spilled milk all over his tuxedo - someone please find that man a doctor.

WWE Tag-Team Titles
Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass

New Day are back because they've remembered they are hosting and probably only get paid per appearance. And they're still dressed as pirates... so they add the The Hardy Boyz to the match.

WWE Tag-Team Titles
Fatal 4-Way Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs The Hardy Boyz
Holy shit these guys have aged 100 years since they were last here. How on Earth did they pass the drug tests?
"The crowd is in shock!"
No they aren't - mutherfuckers were chanting for the Hardy's before New Day even came out. The crowd knew what was going down. Probably better than the Hardy's.

Wait - a fatal 4-way ladder match? How the fuck does that even make sense? You can't eliminate people in a ladder match! Fucking stupid WWE are so fucking stupid they don't even understand how their own fucking matches work. Fuck you.

But that match was a lot of fun. So fuck me?
Winners = The Hardy Boyz via Matt Hardy climbing a ladder and not failing a drug test. Yet.
8/10
New champions!

Ad for the WWE Network.
Everything it has to offer can be downloaded for free. Or not. I have better things to watch.
Fuck your network.

Jimmy Fallon is in the crowd, if you needed more reasons to hate the guy.

Video Package
Maryse tried talking shit to John Cena, but her trash-talk is so terrible not even he can keep a straight face. You know, despite WWE's money and resources, Miz and Maryse make shittier YouTube videos than your average basement High School student.
6/10

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse
Special Guest Commentator: Jerry "the King" Lawler
Special Guest Ring Announcer: Al Roker
This is such a big deal we need Jerry Lawler to make his perverted comments? Al Roker calls himself "Chocolate Thunder". BWAHAHAHAHAHA I'm actually laughing my ass off right now. This show has immediately improved beyond belief. End now and you get top marks!
Instead you continue... and... give me... The Miz?

Fuck you.

The Miz is such a superstar that the WWE consider his entrance the perfect time introduce the other 621 commentary teams for all the third-world countries.
As always, the fans get a kick out of someone beating up John Cena. Though I don't understand their joy this year - The Miz is fucking terrible.
And now I've lost sound. I'd complain, but it means I no longer have to listen to JBL and Jerry Lawler. This show truly has improved!
Winners = John Cena & Nikki Bella via double pinfall
3/10

John Cena is so happy about finally defeating The Miz at WrestleMania that he asks some woman named Stephanie to marry him. Nikki Bella says yes her place? Odd. And now grown men in the front row are straight up bawling while John and Nikki make out in the middle of the ring.

Video Package
HHH made Seth Rollins a star! But Seth followed the H Bomb's example by getting injured all the time, and that shit only flies when you're married to the boss' daughter. I miss Rollins' hairstyle with the white streak. And his naked pictures. You know what I don't miss but would love to? HHH. And Metallica. It's actually like WWE hate me.
5/10

Unsanctioned Match
Seth Rollins vs HHH
Well now, let's see how much they decided to spend on Big Nose Jerk Face's entrance this year...
Oh, this year he has a team of motorcycle cops to accompany him to the ring. And he has his own stupid ugly bike. It doesn't even sound tough - just sounds like a toy. This guy... he does strike me as the type to get a motorbike in order to combat some sort of midlife crisis.

Holy zombie Jeebus, he really does make me hate the show so fucking much. How about next WrestleMania you put this asshole on first so I can get all the bad shit out of the way immediately? He looks like he's been following the Vince McMahon diet of tanning and steroid sandwiches. Maybe he could also follow the Vince McMahon "looks like he's about to die" lifestyle and fuck off?
Seth Rollins thinks he is Kane and turns the runway into some sort of magic lava that only he can walk on.

Hey now - they replaced the broken table from earlier? Better make sure you break this one as well, then.
You know, for an "unsanctioned" match, they sure are doing a whole lot of basic pro-wrasslin'.
Apparently, shouting "I want to cripple Seth Rollins" is cryptic? Sounds pretty fucking clear to me. That's like when I say "I want tequila". Who knows what I'm asking for, right? Tequila? A Volkswagon?
Fuck you, commentators.
Why does Stephanie have to keep waiting for the referee to be distracted before she can interfere? This is an "unsanctioned" match - there are no rules! She could be in the ring all the time, just kicking Seth Rollins in the balls. In fact, if the WWE have not "sanctioned" this match, why did they provide a referee? And a ring? And a time slot in the biggest show of the year?
Rollins and HHH trade submission moves - but it just comes across like they're hugging.
According to Corey douchehaircut Graves, Rollins has the flu, which "might actually aid him in this fight!". Because if you talk to any Olympian, they'll tell you how they compete at their very best when they are sick and injured. At weigh-ins for combat sports, the fighters usually say stuff like "I had a great training camp and I'm feeling in shape, ready to take him on! It's a real bummer. I wish I were sick, because I think that would be really give me the edge in our fight!"
Corey Graves now thinks "Cerebral Assassin" means beating people with sledgehammers. Fucking. Moron.
"This is very, VERY real!"
No, it's not. It's fucking acting. Most of it terrible. Seth Rollins and HHH aren't even their real fucking names.
You know what would have been fun? Seth Rollins vs AJ Styles. They could have had HHH open the show with a long, shitty match against Shane McMahon, and then had AJ Styles against Seth Rollins - minus the fake injury that has kept him from doing anything awesome in this match. I'm pretty sure I would have given more than one shit about that match. I would have given all of the shits!
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following pedigree
5/10

Musical Performance
Pitbull with Stephen Marley. Pitbull hangs out with Enrique Iglesias and that is cool. Pity his music is balls and not cool. Anyone that needs to rap with another vocal track is garbage in my books. Oh great, now some other fat dude is here to sing along. They've just got the song up loud and these three are singing along. Barely.
1/10

And that 1 is only because some of the dancers are hot.

Dancers have the best butts.

Video Package
Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt were enemies. Then best friends. Now they're enemies again because Randy was just pretending! Wrestlers really suck at knowing who their friends are. Y'all should get some friends outside of wrestling - but not me. I think you're all stupid.
2/10

WWE Championship
Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt (c)
Champ out first again? Maybe everyone sucks so much that they just don't even care anymore?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is the worst graphic I've seen since that kid and his photoshop for WM17

It's fucking 2017. WWE has money but can't do something better than that? A kid with an iPhone could do a better job. Sharknado could do a better job!
I'd like to know what Corey Graves and his stupid haircut think "apex predator" means. Randy hunts apexes?
More stupid graphics BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Winner = Randy Orton via not succumbing to the black hole of terrible projections
2/10
New champion!

I think the crowd cared even less than me.

When you are sweaty and pulling a stupid face, Tapout is the clothing for you!

Ad for Total Divas.
I'd sooner review WrestleMania 34.

Recap of some planes flying earlier so they can introduce some dudes that want to be like Val Kilmer. Or me. I was fucking ace at F-14 Tomcat on the Commodore 64.

Video Package
Goldberg became a legend when he did the unthinkable and defeated La Parka! Oh, and he beat Brock Lesnar twice or something. So now they have to fight again? Paul Heyman makes it all seem way more important than it probably is. And yet still not as important as defeating La Parka.
8/10

WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs Brock Lesnar
Paul Heyman also announces Brock Lesnar because he does everything better than anyone else in the WWE. Hahahahaha these guys only have two wrestling moves between them; all Goldberg do is the "spear" and all Lesnar can do is suplex (city, bitch). It's like I am playing a wrestling game but I'm not even good enough to mash the buttons. Eventually, Brock decides he is tired from all the suplexes and ends the game before he dies.
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following 10 German suplexes and an F5
7/10
New champion!

Brock Lesnar finally defeats Goldberg? Took him 20 years and 3 attempts. Bret Hart beat Goldberg twice - so Brock Lesnar is only half as good as Bret Hart.

Corey Graves didn't watch Superman II with his eyes open and thinks Superman lost.

Buy WWE merch! 33% off my entire order? Wow - that's only 67% I'm totally not interested in paying!

Oh shit, I'd forgotten there was another match - I was about to pack up and go home.

Smackdown Women's Championship - I don't even know what this is called
Alexa Bliss (c) vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Nattie vs Naomi
Naomi decides to use as much of energy as she possibly can by having her own private dance party on the stage and on her way to the ring.

That seems like a great plan right before the biggest match of your career. Her slogan is "Feel the Glow!" You can't make this shit up! Well, actually you can because someone did. You just have to be a fucking moron.
Becky Lynch still looks like a troll from Labyrinth.

Mickie James thinks she is Tatanka.

I'm like a reporter at the OSCARs asking women what they are wearing and commenting on their outfits, instead of asking them anything relevant or paying attention to their skills and accomplishments. Except most actresses deserve respect and dress awesome at the OSCARS. These women have a stupid job, aren't good at their stupid job and look stupid while doing it. Poorly.
Turns out the first person to get a pin wins the championship, so the current champion just hides and doesn't even get involved 90% of the match.
No.
Sense.
Ever.
Winner = Naomi via some weird submission thing
2/10

You mean that the hometown girl that was given an entrance the length and spectacle of all the other women's combined - including the current champion - was booked to win the match? Shocking!

Feel the glow!

Ad for Payback.
Why do they even bother advertising these shows? The only way I can watch is on the WWE Network, which I must already be subscribed to if I am watching this show. It doesn't cost any extra. I'd declare that a bargain, but this shit's not even worth my internet usage to illegally download.

New Day are back! Of course - the other job of the "host" is to announce the attendance number! Good job, New Day. You are 3 wrestlers at the biggest wrestling event of the year and WWE can't even be bothered booking you in a wrestling match. You should be proud.

Video Package
The Undertaker is old. He and Roman Reigns both think they are dogs living in a yard. I can probably excuse Undertaker for that, as he has taken many a blow to the head over his career. And is old. Then we get some highlights of The Undertaker's career. Foreboding...
6/10

The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
Guest commentator: Jim Ross
JR is here to commentate? More foreboding...
And no disqualification? EVEN MORE FOREBODING...
If this is The Undertaker's final match, he better come dressed as an undertaker again and shoot some lightning bolts and bring his urn - none of this old man leather cowboy nonsense, ok? If he came out in his Limp Bizkit redneck biker outfit, that would actually be the funniest.

Nope - old man leather cowboy. Lame. And now the commentators are hyping Roman as the underdog. More lame.
Now Roman is a "young machine". I thought he was a dog and he was intruding on Undertaker's yard?
They keep saying Undertaker is the "greatest performer in WrestleMania history!". Muthafuckers should be forced to watching his first 10 WrestleMania matches and then find the balls to say that.
Wait - now this is the biggest match in Roman Reigns' career? Uh, last year he was in the main event for the WWE Championship in front of the biggest crowd in WWE history. But sure, you're right - wrestling an old man that is basically retired in front of a smaller crowd and with no championship implications is totally more important.
This was apparently a "Superman punch":

Well, that explains Corey Graves' plot description of Superman II. He obviously watched a movie about a retard kid playing wrestling, probably saw a Superman t-shirt in it, is a retard himself, and assumed "FHOYFODSHFLNJ SUUUUPERMAN OERIUELLDHFS".

Fuck you, Corey Graves.

Roman Reigns is now "a monster. But Undertaker is a legitimate monster!"
So, Roman is just a fake monster? Is he like a dude online pretending to be a monster but he's really just a dog machine? I don't know, a dog machine sounds a lot like a monster. Or at least, something a monster would battle.

This match is just a one-sided beatdown that shamelessly mimics Undertaker's previous WrestleMania matches with HBK and HHH. Except with Roman doing the beating. Because Undertaker is old. And Roman Reigns is the new young dog machine faux monster.
Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following punches and spears and other boring shit
3/10

"Roman Reigns is the future!"
Seriously?
Muthafucka has now main-evented the last THREE WrestleManias - he's the fucking now!

This says a lot about the state of WWE; when The Rock was in his third WrestleMania main event, he was the biggest star in the company and on the verge of Hollywood stardom. Roman Reigns main events for the third time and people still barely give a shit about him. Hell, he's about to main event his FOURTH WrestleMania and is probably liked even less!

Celebrations
The crowd chant for "Undertaker" so he puts all his gear back on and gives the crowd a little twirl, then takes it all off again and leaves it in the ring for someone else to deal with. Lazy bastard. I get that it is heavy and you've just had a long match and the walk to the back is long, but your sweaty gloves and coat and hat should be your responsibility. Fucking diva.

WrestleMania XXXIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   I have to go with the Fatal(ly Flawed) Four-Way Tag Team Ladder Match. It was way more fun than I had anticipated.
2. Worst Match
   Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt. As if the boredom was bad enough, we got some shitty pictures on the ring to complete the cycle of suck.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Hmmm... AJ Styles did some cool moves. There was a picture of Bret Hart. Hot dancers, maybe?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Those graphics they projected during the Wyatt/Orton match. Ooooh Bray Wyatt you are so scary!
5. Star of the Show
   A.J. Fucking. Styles! Dude was saddled with Shane McMahon and still did his best to make it awesome. He failed, but he fucking tried!!!
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   I don't know... the cover for Tinashe's single?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Pitbull and his collection of idiots. Well done, Jimmy Fallon - your annoyingness was outdone.
8. Tonight's Meal
   This time I went with straight up vege wraps; baby spinach, red onion, red & green capsicum, mushroom, tomato, avocado and olives topped with an aubergine & cashew hummus. Quite refreshing!
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I tried to make a mess on it to distract me from the stupidity of this show. I couldn't even get that right. Thanks WWE!
10. Overall Score
    Again, soooooo fucking long! OK, not nearly as long as that last exercise in torture... but still! The entrances were all unnecessary - next time they do one of these giant stadiums, they should use that little cart they had for WrestleMania III so we don't have to wait 7 minutes for each wrestler to get to the ring. And so many fucking ads! Is that what your WWE Network fee pays for each month? A bunch of shitty ads for shitty products? If I were a subscriber, I'd want a refund. And less shitty wrestling.
    4 out of 10