26 March 2020 (Aired 4 & 6 April)
WWE Performance Center
Orlando, Florida - USA
Attendance: 0
Commentators: Michael Cole, John 'Bradshaw' Layfield, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing:
It's Good Friday! Which means it's time for WrestlMania - so that makes it Bad Friday?
See that attendance? Hilarious.
Of course, this is why I'm home watching Wrestlemania; the world is shut down thanks to the COVID. It's a pretty sad situation. Meanwhile, WWE were like 'Fuck your health and safety - we can make some money here!' and insisted their wrestlers keep going. And instead of cancelling WrestleMania like they should have, set it up in their own Performance Center to a crowd of no one and charged people $60 a night to watch it. Yay capitalism! As such, I can't wait to see how WrestleMania in an empty, small building actually looks. And what's on the menu? As far as I know, Goldberg vs Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar vs Drew McIntyre, and... I think that's it. Oh, wait - there is also Undertaker vs AJ Styles. That should be... yeah, shit.
NIGHT ONE
We open with video from Stephanie McMahon telling us how wonderful WWE are to keep putting on their shows during the "current circumstances". WWE will deliver hope and perseverance and entertainment and fuck you.
America the Beautiful
We get a compilation of the many performances throughout the years. It's good Hulk Hogan isn't here because there would be way too many black people for his liking.
6/10
Opening Video Package
Some Pirates of the Carribean ripoff nonsense. Dudes, those moves are hella old already. And it's also super-self-aware that it's a Pirates of the Carribean ripoff? It's also WAY too long and painfully cringey. But at least we get some AC/DC to end it?
2/10
Rob Gronkowski is our host this year. I have no idea who or what he is, but I'd like him to die and fuck off.
WWE Women's Tag-Team Championship
Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross vs The Kabuki Warriors (c)
Asuka is dancing so this is already a great night.
Kairi Sane mocks Alexa Bliss and it's hilarious. Alex tries to mock her in return, but it's fucking cringe.
Nikki Cross tries to rile up the crowd; uhhhh there's no on there, you fucking moron!
But that she doesn't let that deter her, and she tries again. Bahahaha this is exactly what I expected to happen; WWE performers are programmed like robots to only perform one way, so they have no idea how to change what they do when there is no crowd.
Now she's stomping her feet and trying to get the imaginary crowd to clap.
Now she's screaming and rips her shirt and it's so ridiculous that even Michael Cole can't ignore and calmly says "Well, to each their own..."
There's a clear edit here, where Asuka is being pinned and there's about a 3 second gap after the 2 count before Kairi Sane breaks it up. Then Bliss fucks up her finisher and they can't be bother redoing that??
Winners = Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross via pinfall following Alexa Bliss almost missing the Twisted Bliss
6/10
New Champions
5 of those points are because The Kabuki Warriors were hilariously entertaining.
But minus 20 points because Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross are as awful as The Kabuki Warriors are awesome.
Backstage Interview
Sami Zayn is now doing a communist gimmick or something. Oh, he's calling himself "The Great Liberator" and thinks he's Fidel Castro. He kinda looks like Robin Williams in a Vietnam movie or something.
5/10
Man, I missed backstage interviews. They're so much better.
Promo for WWE Shop. 50% off Championship belts?? Why are these fools wrestling and risking the COVID when they can just buy their own belt??
Promo for WWE's new movie,
The Main Event.
It looks absolutely embarrassing. I must watch it.
Elias vs King Corbin
Dammit, I thought beating up Elias at WrestleMania was going to be John Cena's tradition!
Corbin no longer looks like a bartender - more like a bar manager. Yay he got a promotion! It's a shame his promo and wrestling skills didn't. He yells at JBL to tell everyone how great he is; clearly you haven't been listening because both JBL and Cole have been singing your praises throughout the match. Which is even more crazy because it's dead quiet in there and I have absolutely no doubt you CAN hear them.
Even just sitting at the desk when no one is watching, Michael Cole looks more uncomfortable than me talking to a human.
Corbin tries to cheat but gets caught - WrestleMania traditions be damned!
Winner = Elias via rollup pin while holding the tights
3/10
More Miz Mortification
Video Package
Becky still thinks she's a man and Ronda Rousey's friend is apparently tougher than Ronda Rousey, despite being worse at MMA. How do people like Becky so much? Her promos are actually awful.
3/10
Raw Women's Championship
Becky (c) vs Shayna Baszler
Becky comes out in a truck and then walks about 10 miles to the Performance Center entrance; is this her version of Charlotte entering via a helicopter last year?
The commentators repeat everything the women said in the video package that just aired like we weren't watching or something. Oh good - Becky is holding up her title belt for the crowd to see.
She talks throughout the match and it is total cringe.
Then she steals the Bret Hart/Roddy Piper WrestleMania VIII finish, minus the drama and awesomeness.
Winner = Becky Lynch via pinfall while getting choked out
4/10
Once again, Becky holds up the belt for the crowd.
Moron.
Hyundai and WWE are teaming up. I'll be sure to get my tag-team partner and avoid you both.
Promo for an upcoming series on the Undertaker. OK, you got me - I'll watch the shit out of that.
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Daniel Bryan (w/Drew Gulak) vs Sami Zayn (c) (w/Cesaro & Shinsuke Nakamura)
Gronk and his buddy Mojo are doing the "Yes" chant. They should be practicing social distancing instead.
Sami Zayn just stalls and stalls and stalls and Cesaro says Daniel Bryan is already getting tired. Bahahahaha Cesaro is awesome.
Aaaah and now we get the classic "Daniel Bryan needs to win this to get his WrestleMania moment".
* WrestleMania 31 - Daniel Bryan defeated six other men in a ladder match to win the Intercontinental Championship
* WrestleMania 30 - Daniel Bryan defeated Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
* WrestleMania 36 - Daniel Bryan is competing against Sami Zayn in front of nobody
Which 'WrestleMania Moment' do you think is more important?
Winner = Sami Zayn via pinfall following kick to the face
8/10
That was a fun match
Promo for all the charity work WWE do.
Fuck you.
Promo for a documentary on Edge. I mean, I might watch that, too, but can I get more of that Undertaker documentary?
Triple-Threat Ladder Match
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Kofi Kingston vs Jimmy Uso vs John Morrison (c)
So the tag-team titles are on the line, but there are no tag-teams? Oh that makes sense.
About as much sense and Kofi and Uso talking to the imaginary crowd.
John Morrison shows them how a real pro does it and actually throws his sunglasses into the non-existent audience.
Bahahaha this is fucking hilarious.
Everyone grabs a ladder, but Morrison's is shorter. Size matters hurdy hurdy hur.
Then he make the most comedic attempt to climb for the belts; first, he sets up a ladder to the side of the belts. Then pauses. Then moves the ladder. Then pauses again and looks around. Seeing no one else is around and he has a clear run to the belts, he SLOWLY climbs the ladder. Then pauses to clutch at his shoulder that hasn't been troubling at all before now. Amazing, this means Kofi Kingston has time to put a stop to it - who would have guessed?!?
Due to strict social distancing laws there are now more ladders in the room than people.
Winners = John Morrison & The Miz via The Miz being sick and not competing.
5/10
Network promo.
I can't even find the effort to discuss this anymore.
Video Package
Seth Rollins is cross-fit Jesus. Kevin Owens is fat and wants a WrestleMania moment. Yawn.
6/10
Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins
Seth's music sounds so average when it's not being blasted in a stadium with thousands of fans cheering. He hits topes like they're his spears or German suplexes, and talks A LOT - but none of it is funny. Except for maybe "Ow my ribs!". Such a natural thing to say.
He slams the ringbell into Kevin Owens' head and it goes ding-ding.
BAHAHA
Winner = Kevin Owens via Disqualification
7/10
Rollins is happy? That makes NO sense; he doesn't have a belt to save - was the title of Jesus on the line?
Owens grabs a mic. I'm guessing he doesn't want it to end like that and it must continue. Dude just got hit in the head with a fucking bell - he should be done, not talking on the mic. He wants to fight Rollins again but with no disqualification. That's a stupid idea; if the previous match had been 'No DQ', he'd still be getting smashed in the head with a ringbell right now.
So Rollins continues to beat him up. Dude, just hit him with the fucking bell again!
Rollins keeps saying "I can do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want". Maybe he wants an ice cream? Now HE gets hit in the head with the bell. The ''ding-ding" makes me laugh again.
I guess now it's time for a 'WrestleMania moment'. Rollins groans hilariously and Owens leaps off the WrestleMania sign to drop a shitty attempt of an elbow. Rollins should be saying "Ow my ribs!" again.
Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following Stunner
6/10
That was unnecessary. Should have just made it No DQ from the start.
They show a bunch of replays and one of the angle shows how much the elbow didn't connect with Rollins at all. This shit isn't live, so that makes this so much funnier.
"Feel like a champion; buy your own championship belt!"
You fuckers didn't like it when the Million Dollar Man did it!!!
Gronk and Mojo are the most wooden and terrible hosts yet. R-Truth comes out to cry about being the 24/7 Champion, so Mojo pins him. Gronk is pissed. Dear gawd they're actually setting up a Gronk vs Mojo feud.
Total Bellas promo.
They're both pregnant? Why do I suddenly care?!?
Backstage Interview
Paul Heyman says Drew McIntyre is a bitch and he will be conquered by 'The Beast'. 'Bitch and the Beast' is the Disney sequel I never knew we needed.
7/10
WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs Braun Strowman
No one ever explains why Braun Strowman is in the match instead of Roman Reigns. At all.
Why does Goldberg have his usual security entourage? Is this because he's old and they need to keep the COVID away from him?
Braun roars and Goldberg laughs. This could be fun battle of the no-selling. Instead it is exactly what I should have expected; Goldberg hits 3 spears, gets a 2 count, hits a 4th Spear, goes for the Jackhammer, but Braun reverses it and hits 3 powerslams.
Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following 3 powerslams
3/10
New Champion!
Well that was... quick?
Recap of all the WWE Snickers ads from the past WrestleManias?
Oh fuck the fuck off!
Promo for next year's WrestleMania. Heading back to Hollywood.
Wrestlers will be heading back to bad-acting school.
I'll be heading back to tequila.
Video Package
AJ Styles asks "What would WrestleMania season be without AJ Styles?". Answer: the same as always, but with maybe one less mediocre match. AJ shoots on Undertaker and his wife; says he doesn't want to fight "old man Mark" but wants to fight "the dead man". He should have to fight 1993 Undertaker. But only if it's 2009 AJ Styles.
8/10
Boneyard Match
Undertaker vs AJ Styles
So we're here... and still not a single explanation of what a "Boneyard Match" actually is. AJ Styles arrives at a graveyard in a coffin. Undertaker rolls up on his motorbike while Metallica play. It should be Limp Bizkit, to make his journey back to being American Badass complete. So turns out a "Boneyard Match" is not actually a wrestling match; it's instead an episode of a mid-nineties late-night action show - complete with dramatic musical score. Undertaker beats the snot out of AJ and throws him in a grave. Of course, this brings out AJ's friends to even more dramatic music, and then even more dudes in hoods or something like it's a meeting of the reverse KKK. But in true nineties action hero fashion, Undertaker just whips everyone's asses. Until AJ comes back from the dead and puts an end to it; funny how he only manages to get in 2 shots, while Undertaker completely brutalised him earlier and made AJ look like a complete punk.
Eventually, AJ gets Undertaker in the grave and is ready to pour over the dirt BUT WAIT! The Undertaker now magically appears behind AJ and resumes kicking ass.
Of course, he totally murdersises everyone before chokeslamming AJ off a barn or something and then buries him in the grave.
So that was the match? How the fuck am I supposed to score that??
I mean, as a pro-wrestling match it was a zero. But as an episode of Renegade, I'd give it about a 4.
Undertaker rides off into the night while Metallica play again.
Fuck this show.
NIGHT TWO
Stephanie McMahon is here once again to tell us how great WWE are. And then it's the same Pirates of the Carribean video from last night? What a waste of 10 minutes.
Gronk is back to host. He can suck my balls.
Video Package
Charlotte Flair has won too much gold? So now, in true HHH fashion, she will take it from the developmental roster as well. Which HHH runs. Surprised?
6/10
NXT Women's Championship
Charlotte Flair vs Rhea Ripley (c)
Why is Charlotte yelling at no crowd?
Ripley says this is HER ring and then gives it a dust. But this is Roman Reigns' yard; so she keeps her ring in the Big Dog Machine's yard? Or does she lease it out to him? It's all very confusing.
Ripley's kicks look lazy. Super lazy. She should study some Ultimo Dragon.
She has a hurt leg and I know this because she's constantly screaming and yelling about her hurt leg. What is is with Australian women and all this screaming??
Charlotte just stands there and yells "Two time! Two time NXT Champion!"
Who in the fuck she's yelling at, I have no idea.
Ripley now sounds like a tortured goat. If I were Charlotte, I'd just submit now so I didn't have to hear it any more. Wait - maybe that's Rhea's plan? Screaming like a burning frog is her submission move?
Winner = Charlotte Flair via submission from Figure 8
6/10
New Champion
Bah gawd I'm in shock!
Promo for The Big Show Show. I guess if Miz can get a TV deal, anyone can.
Promo for WWE Shop. They need to stop with those promos because I've run out of jokes.
Recap of Night One. Including the Halloween episode of Walker: Texas Ranger
Aleister Black vs Bobby Lashley (w/Lana)
Wait - Lana is now Lashley's wife?
They open with a challenge of silence; it's like the first person to make a noise has to give the other person a Snickers. Lashley goes for a powerslam or something, but Lana jumps up on the apron and absolutely SCREAMS that she wants him to do a spear instead. Of course, that means when he tries for the spear he gets kicked in the face.
Winner = Aleister Black via pinfall following Bobby Lashley being a fucking moron
4/10
Backstage
Kayla is with Sasha and Bayley. They're best friends - thanks for the reminder! Sasha has never been Smackdown Women's Champion? I guess that means she's winning and turning on her friend.
4/10
Money in the Bank promo.
NOPE
Total Bellas Promo again.
Fuck you!
Recap of Mojo winning the 24/7 Championship.
Recap of how much I don't care.
Gronk is pissed. He should focus on hosting and improving his mic skills.
WWE2K20 holy fuck make the ads stop, for the love of gawd HOLY SHIT IT'S BRET HART! YAY!!
Video Package
Otis had a date with Mandy, but she ended up getting together with Dolph Ziggler. Some hacker dude exposed some wild conspiracy to keep Otis and Mandy apart. This is the best love story since Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth.
8/10
Otis vs Dolph Ziggler
Otis is fat. Dolph kicks him in the balls, so Mandy comes out and hits Dolph in the balls.
Winner = Otis via pinfall following some weird elbow move
5/10
Otis and Mandy make out. Go, fatty!
Promo for the network.
Promo for fuck you, WWE.
Video Package
Edge returned to WWE after nine years in retirement. Randy Orton was like 'Let's be friends! Nah - sike!' and murdered him. Now they have to fight. Someone pretending to be a friend and then fighting at WrestleMania is now it's greatest tradition. Wait - they're doing the angle where Edge had to work for everything, while Orton was just gifted all his success in wrestling due to his family. You guys did this exact same storyline last year and totally buried AJ Styles for it.
8/10
Last Man Standing
Edge vs Randy Orton
It's so sad to see Edge return to absolutely no ovation.
Orton sneaks in dressed as the hacker that helped Otis hook up with Mandy.
Considering the social distancing laws that mean there should only be 10 people in this room, it's pretty impressive for someone to be able to blend into the "crowd".
Orton hits an RKO. Noice! Match is over already! Of course, WWE are just getting my hopes up and this is the only time the RKO doesn't end a match. Edge and Orton take us on a tour of the WWE Performance Center. First, the gym! Looks like Orton left his mints on the table and just wants Edge to come with him to get them.
Edge gives Orton a lapdance.
Now we're off to the boardroom! That table looks like you could have a mighty game of table tennis. But the chairs look pretty cheap. Billion dollar company, yo!
Someone left their jacket on a chair. Bahahaha social distancing means you'll have to wait for the match to end before you can retrieve it.
Now we've moved to a storage room, filled with all the cheap ladders and tables you'll find in the WWE matches.
Maybe they make them here and that's why they're such poor quality?
Someone parked their new truck back here, so Edge and Orton start fighting on it.
Imagine having to fill in the insurance forms: "Damage to vehicle caused by two half-naked men having a play-fight".
Edge has Orton down but stops the referee's count so he can give Orton a con-chair-to.
Winner = Edge via murder
3/10
It started good but then bah gawd that went waaaaaay too long.
Yay! I get to see that Ric Flair/Zack Ryder Snickers commercial again!
Can someone kill me now?
Mojo is being chased around for the 24/7 championship. Gronk lands on a pile of people and pins Mojo. SOCIAL DISTANCING, YO!
Fuck this show.
Another promo for the documentary about Edge. Meh, I liked it more before that boring ass match.
Raw Tag-Team Championship
Street Profits (c) vs Austin Theory & Angel Garza
Street Profits act up to the no crowd and honestly, this shit never gets old for me. This one dude reminds me of Damon Wayans Jr. On Speed. He awesome and keeps shouting "WRESTLEMANIA" at the crowd that doesn't exist. The Mexicans have a pin, but Wayans Jr hits a gigantic splash to save his dude and get the win?
Winners = Street Profits via pinfall following splash to stop pin
7/10
Wayans Jr resumes screaming and yahooing and it's fucking great. I like him. So the Mexican's give him a beatdown. Because no one getting over is a WrestleMania tradition.
Titus O'Neill is now taking over as host. Okay?
Buy a WWE title belt and pretend you beat me for it. Or better yet, but it for me for my birthday present and then I'll give you a Sharpshooter to become the champion.
WWE brag about doing charity.
Fuck. You.
Fatal 5-Way
Smackdown Women's Championship
Sasha Banks vs Bayley (c) vs Lacey Evans vs Naomi vs Tamina
Bah gawd if there were ever a time to top-up my Pepsi...
In a WrestleMania miracle, WWE are actually following the correct elimination rules for a "fatal#way" match. Tamina seems to be the new Nia - which is great timing, considering next week's Darkside of the Ring will be focusing on the fact Tamina's father is a murderer that somehow escaped justice (spoiler: the answer was bribery).
Michael Cole: "Bayley and The Boss almost got eliminated at the same time!"
Bayley: "No we didn't!"
BAHAHAHAHAHA I like this new Bayley.
Tamina eliminated by everyone pinning her
Just like what happened to Nia that time!
Bayley saves Sasha. It's elimination, so that's just stupid.
Naomi eliminated by Sasha via submission
Bayley mocks Naomi as she leaves, then starts on Lacey as she gets back in the ring. I like this new Bayley.
Sasha eliminated by Lacey via pinfall after being punched
That should have been a disqualification.
You can even hear Michael Cole yelling his commentary in the background on the replay. Hilarious. Bayley's nose piercing is now bleeding - this is why you shouldn't wrestle while wearing one. I feel like I've had to say that to too many wrestlers this week. Sasha comes back and beats up Lacey.
Winner = Bayley via pinfall with cheating and whatnot.
5/10
Bayley talks massive trash to the commentators. I like this new Bayley.
Promo for next year's WrestleMania. Here's hoping the COVID can stick around another year.
Video Package
John Cena is back! And someone already beat up Elias this year, so what's he going to do now? Why, beat up another dude he's already beat up twice at WrestleMania! Wait; does Bray Wyatt think that if he had beaten John Cena back at WrestleMania XXX, he would have become a Hollywood movie star instead of Cena? So he's threatening Cena with... puppets? Cena says he's doing this match for "the future of the WWE" which is his way of telling fans he'll be doing the job tonight. Lame.
4/10
Firefly Funhouse Match
John Cena vs "The Fiend" Bray Wyatt
Cena comes out with a look on his face like 'what the fuck do I do?!?' Then suddenly he's transported into Bray Wyatt's... TV show?
First, they go back in time to Cena's very first WWE appearance. Honestly, when you compare 2020 John Cena to 2002 John Cena, the man looks amazing. Next, they're transported to some fake Saturday Night's Main Event where Cena is called Johnny Largemeat. What?!?
Cena lifts too many weights so he can't move his arms. So now we're transported to 2003 (or maybe just last year?) and John Cena is a rapper again. Is Wyatt trying to tell Cena he is actually awesome?
Cena cuts a rapping promo on Wyatt and hurts his feelings. Fat fuck is still bitching about WrestleMania XXX? Motherfucker, you've won multiple world-titles since then. Fuck off. Next they're transported to nWo Nitro and John Cena is now in the NWO. Why?
Now Bray Wyatt turns up as "The Fiend" and I can only assume he eats John Cena or something.
Fuck.
This.
Show.
We cut to our new host, Titus O'Neill.
"I... don't know what I just saw..."
No shit.
Money in the Bank promo oh fuck off.
Video Package
Drew McIntyre had potential. They're acting like Lesnar is still this unstoppable monster, like last year didn't happen. McIntyre doesn't want to be remembered as an idiot that played air guitar. What, like Bill & Ted? You fucking wish you could be remembered like them.
6/10
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
Lesnar hits 3 German Suplexes and then an F5. Drew kicks out at 1.
Another F5. Kick out at 2.
Another F5. Another kick out at 2.
So Lesnar is clearly losing.
Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following 3 kicks to the face
2/10
New Champion
Duh. Why do WWE keep making Brock Lesnar look like a complete garbage bag?
Drew McIntyre celebrates next to Brock's lifeless body.
The End
WrestleMania XXXVI: The Awards
- Best Match
Daniel Bryan vs Sami Zayn
Cesaro is awesome.
- Worst Match
King Corbin vs Elias
This was a tough decision, because there really was a lot of garbage on this show.
- Highlight of the Show
Cesaro making fun of Daniel Bryan.
- Lowlight of the Show
Whatever that Firefly Funhouse nonsense was - because it sure as hell wasn't a wrestling match.
- Star of the Show
No one. And that sums up WWE in 2020.
- Best Celebrity Appearance
Does John Cena count?
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
Gronk.
- Tonight's Meal
Today, being a long show with split over two nights, I decided to go with two different wraps.
Breakfast: cheese, hash browns with egg, mushrooms, tomato, capsicum, red onion & avocado with sweet chilli sauce.
Dinner: avocado, courgette, mushrooms, tomato, capsicum, red onion with salsa, hummus & sour cream. It's Good/Bad Friday, so I've decided Hot Cross Buns are now official food of my WrestleMania fun. I also drank faaaar too much Pepsi Max with Raspberry.
- T-Shirt Cleanliness
I only spilled a bit. Like WrestleMania 23, I'm all grown up.
- Overall Score
This was NOT a WrestleMania. Not really; it was like a well-produced indy show with bad matches, or maybe a Telethon event or something. There was NOTHING about it that felt like an actual WrestleMania, so all the talk of 'WrestleMania moments' and "superstars" thinking they're making their WrestleMania debuts are full of shit - and deep down, they know it.
THAT SAID, I enjoyed the show... but probably not in the way I was supposed to. I found the way WWE "Superstars" reacted to the lack of crowd hilariously embarrassing, but then there were some genuinely entertaining matches. Just not many. The Boneyard and Firefly Funhouse "matches" were just utter nonsense, and if we're going to pretend that this was a WrestleMania, then they're up there with the stupidest moments in WrestleMania history.
BUT I laughed a lot, and being split into two shows really helped it all go quickly - considering this was actually 6.5 hours and therefore the longest WrestleMania ever.
3 out of 10
