*I am finally posting this from earlier in the year. I was too lazy to do pics and gifs, but now I have no excuse*
Welcome back again to Logman complains about pro-wrestling!
I have been a bit busy with actual work working my way through 80's NWA - have watched about three years in the last 9 months and it's been a great ride so far - so the UWF reviewing has taken a bit of a back seat. Plus my house just burned down, so you know... whatever...
Anyways, with WrestleMania sign-pointing season upon us once again, I decided that I've not seen a Royal Rumble in a very long time. So why not waste 4 hours of my life watching some shitty WWE event and then wasting another 4 hours making fun of it online? Hopefully I'll at least get a good gif from the experience. For those that don't know, the Royal Rumble is an annual WWE event where 30 men enter the ring one-at-a-time 90 seconds apart and have to throw each other over the top rope, until there is only one man remaining. The winner then gets to fight one of the many champions at WrestleMania. It used to be that they automatically faced the champion in the main event at WrestleMania, but that tradition died a loooong time ago. Along with the tradition of actually being fun.
As I said, I've not seen a Royal Rumble in years - I think the last one I watched was when Roman Reigns was Vince's chosen one and was promptly booed out of the building. Apparently now he is the top heel so fans cheer him. Seriously. WWE fans are the worst.
Other things that are apparently real in 2021: Drew McIntyre is the WWE Champion and he will be defending against Goldberg. Roman Reigns will be defending a belt against someone? There's even a women's royal rumble match now?!?
Sweet zombie Jeebus is it too late to watch UWF instead?!?
Also... my wife (Hikola) is joining me for this, so will be chiming in with her expertise and vast wrestling knowledge that consists of having watched a total of zero pro-wrestling in her life.
Opening Video Package
The Royal Rumble is now... Batman?
And they're back to blurring out the old WWF logos? Bret Hart must have pissed someone off, because they show him being thrown out of the Royal Rumble multiple times AND being speared by Goldberg back in WCW. I'm just going to keep pretending those things didn't happen.
4/10
Today's event is being broadcast from "The Thunderdome": a stadium filled with people on LED screens, complete with pre-recorded cheering. It's... strange.
Opening Match
WWE ChampionshipDrew McIntyre (c) vs GoldbergHuh we're doing this now? Goldberg is out with his somewhat socially distancing security dudes like it's still 1998.
Hikola is wondering why my Grandad is fighting. Joke's on her - my Grandad is dead! Only thing he's fighting is my Nana in hell! She's also unimpressed with his hygiene:
"Why did he wait to leave his room to spit? Did he not have a bathroom in there where he could do that in private?"Samoa Joe is now a commentator? He reminds Hikola of a vegetable, but she's not sure which one.
Huh? NOW we're getting the video package for this match? So Goldberg has to stand in the ring listening to his theme music for 5 minutes? Drew McIntyre wants the Goldberg of old - he'll have to settle for just old.
3/10
Goldberg hits a bunch of spears and the jackhammer, but McIntyre kicks out and the commentators go nuts like the same thing didn't happen with each guy at WrestleMania.
Winner = Drew McIntyre via pin following a kick to the face
3/10
They hug, as Drew has now earned the respect of the "legends"... by beating up an old man?
Time for our first WWE Shop promo. The designs get uglier every time I see these. Right now, you can buy 1 and get 1 for $1! I'll buy none and you can just give me that dollar.
There is also a WWE card battle game, so you can be a total dork at 2 things that suck.
Corey Graves is on commentary now. Fuck that guy.
Kayla is talking to Sasha Banks backstage. She says something about drinking tear-flavoured champagne. Hikola thinks she acts like Squidward from SpongeBob Squarepants.
Smackdown Women's ChampionshipSasha Banks (c) vs CarmellaI'm guessing she's still Sasha Banks - I am pretty sure no women in WWE actually have surnames anymore. Her and Carmella argue over who is "the boss". Wasn't there a tv show about that? It was way more fun than this! I can barely hear the commentary right now and I'm considering buying my neighbours an ice-cream for removing Corey Graves from my life again. Carmella has some dude with him, but he's getting completely beaten up by Sasha Banks. And she looks like a 12-year old girl, so I'm not entirely sure how helpful he is to have around. Now he's getting thrown out because Sasha keeps kicking his ass? Not a rule I've come across before. Hikola thinks I should steal his outfit. Well, he doesn't have the strength to take on a little blue-haired girl, so I may be able to take him. Sasha misses the worst splash ever. Then Carmella gets her in some submission hold and she's waving off the ref.
Hikola: "Bye-bye, Squidward!"
But then she reverses it to something else? Fuck if care.
Winner = Sasha Banks via submission2/10
Time for Sasha to get her 'point at the WrestleMania sign' moment.
Backstage
New Day don't like The Retribution or something - but it's never explained who or what they are. Sami Zayn tries to join in their chat, but they all make fun of him like they're the cool kids at school and he's just the dude that brings the hackeysack. They all think they're winning the Royal Rumble. They're all fucking stupid.
1/10
Bad Bunny is apparently "the biggest Latin artist in the world". He's no Enrique Iglesias, I can tell you that. Not even a shitty version. Booker T is standing next to him for no reason? Bad Bunny just runs around him and holy fuck I've got more cancer.
-2/10
Hikola thinks Corey Graves is good looking. We must now get divorced.
Time for that "Royal Rumble by the numbers" bullshit - I totally forgot how much WWE like to make up shit to make things seem more important. STOP SHOWING STEVE AUSTIN THROW OUT BRET HART! HE CHEATED!!!
Women's Royal Rumble Match
#1 Bayley
Bayley says she is going to win and challenge... Michael Cole? So she wants to be champion of shitty commentary?
#2 Naomi
Bayley's trash-talking seems to have gotten even better. But her wrestling seems to have gotten worse? Hikola tells me her favourite part of the show so far was Carmella screaming like a horse on helium.
#3 Bianca Belair
I can't take anyone with that hair seriously - unless they are Jet Li in a classic kung-fu adventure. Which she is not.
#4 Billie KayOh fuck off. She sits at the announce table and says she is going to wait before going in - this shit never works. AND it means I have to listen to her annoying voice. But honestly, why don't WWE make some rule about people getting in right away? Why don't all the wrestlers just sit outside the ring until all 30 are around?
#5 Shotzi BlackheartShe at least has a fun little tank.
They should let her take that in the ring and shoot the others.
#6 Shayna BaszlerSo the running joke now is Billie Kay is approaching each new entrant in the hopes they'll team up with her, but of course they all just beat her up. I'm predicting someone will eventually say yes and they'll either turn on her or she'll turn on them, wrestlers don't have any friends and are fucking stupid.
#7 Toni Storm
Shotzin Blackheart is eliminated
#8 Jillian HallShe's keen on the idea of "Billie and Jillie" and proves me wrong by teaming up successfully.
#9 Ruby Riott
#10 VictoriaLet the nostalgia begin! Our second retired wrestler of the match. And she is happily yelling at the non-existent crowd.
Hikola: "She looks like a Heavy Metal Mum."
#11 Peyton RoyceLots of stupid Aussie yelling, but Bayley stops her and proves she is the best.
#12 Santana GarrettI feel like I should know who she is... but I don't know if I'm supposed to care.
#13 Liv MorganHow is Jillian still in this? Oh...
Jillian Hall eliminated by Billie Kay
Told you so, bitch!
Billie Kay eliminated by Ruby Riott#14 Rhea RipleyToni Storm eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Victoria eliminated by Shayna Baszler
Santana Garrett eliminated by Rhea RipleyWow they've actually started eliminating people. Finally!
#15 Charlotte FlairOh goodie...
Ruby Riott eliminated by Bayley via murder - and then trash-talk as well to make it even better.
#16 Dana Brooke
Hikola: "Mum-made outfit"Liv Morgan eliminated
#17 Torrie Wilson
Aaah good old nostalgia
Dana Brooke eliminated#18 Ric Flair? He's an old woman now?
Oh wait, he is just here to introduce... his girlfriend?
#18 Lacey EvansCharlotte doesn't approve of her Dad's girlfriend. Bloody teenagers. Commentators keep talking about all this personal family nonsense and I cringe. I should also mention that Jerry Lawler is out for commentary on this match and in 2021 is still making a stack of sexist comments, like how all these women fighting in little clothing is what heaven will be for him. Fuck that old pedophile.
Peyton Royce eliminated by Charlotte Flair because they are both wearing purple and that shit ain't going to pass
Torrie Wilson eliminated
Bayley eliminated. Wait, what?!? That's fucking stupid
#19 Mickie James
#20 Nikki CrossThis chick is a fucking idiot. Hikola explains she may possibly be from a small village in Australia where acting like a moron is their norm, so I should be more respectful of her culture.
#21 Alicia Fox
R-Truth's music hits - because no one can possibly come out without their music being played first - and wants to talk to her? Oh, he had the wrong rumble. Comedy! Now he's being chased by people after his 24/7 Championship, so he uses Alicia Fox as a human shield. She pins him instead.
Alicia Fox = new 24/7 Champion
#22 Mandy Rose
Alicia Fox eliminatedR-Truth uses that as an opportunity to regain his belt. More comedy!
R-Truth = new 24/7 Champion
#23 Dakota Kai
Mickie James eliminated
#24 CarmellaNot a bad plan; if you can't beat the champ, go out and get another chance to lose. Now her dude is holding a mirror, so he at least is finally showing some usefulness.
Dakota Kai eliminated
Rhea Ripley is straight-up murdering these little bitches.
Mandy Rose eliminated
Nikki Cross tries to eliminate Carmella, but her dude catches her and helps her back in the ring. Man, where was this chivalry in the last match? If he'd actually helped, she might not have had to enter this royal rumble match!
#25 Tamina
For some reason, she punches the dude holding Carmella again - and now he drops her. Useless.
Carmella eliminated
Hey, Tamina. Remember when your Father murdered a woman and the boss of this shitty company helped cover it up?
Naomi eliminated - no, wait - her feet haven't touched the floor yet!
Hikola is more impressed that her sneakers are still lit up. Except for one shoe that is now stuck on 'blue'.
#26 Lana
#27 Alexa Bliss, playing the role of a pedophile's dream
About 8 women attack her, so I would imagine this little pipsqueak should be dead now. Instead, she starts some wacky magical "transformation". Thankfully, Rhea Ripley gives zero fucks.
Alexa Bliss eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Bahahahah that was fucking GOLD!
#28 Ember Moon
#29 Nia Jax
Oh great - it's the other fat piece of shit that has a job because of family.
Hikola: "Whooooaa HUGE! SOMEONE COULD DIE!"
Naomi eliminated
Hikola: "Baby, if I get as fat as her, will you still love me?"
Me: "According to pro-wrestling logic, you'd be invincible so it wouldn't matter"
Tamina eliminated
Holy jeebus, Nia Jax throws the worst fake looking punches since Shane McMahon.
Shayna Baszler eliminated by Nia Jax
Shayna is pissed, but Nia claims she didn't do it. We saw you. Hard to not see you, since you're the size of a fucking rhinoceros.
Pretty sure it's actually been about 6 minutes since someone entered the ring.
Nia Jax eliminated
#30 NatalyaHikola thought she was coming out naked.
Probably a good way to make the others avoid touching you?
Nia and Shayna beat everyone up because this isn't quite dragging on enough.
Natalya and Lana recover and hug. Which of course means Natalya has to beat up Lana.
Hikola: "Of course! We are girls - we fight!"
Lana eliminated
Natalya eliminatedLacey Evans must be hiding somewhere so she can fight Charlotte at the end.
Bianca and Rhea attack Charlotte, so clearly she is going to make her superwoman comeback and destroy them both.
Charlotte Flair eliminatedHoly shit am I getting everything wrong tonight?? Credit to WWE for not being 100% predictable for a change?
Rhea Ripley eliminated
Winner = Bianca Belair4/10
Wait - so Lacey Evans was eliminated? I don't remember that happening at all. Or caring. Anyways, the match was pretty crap but that end sequence when it was just Bianca Belair and Rhea Ripley was actually really fun.
Bianca Belair is interviewed in the ring, and the first thing said is "You are going to WrestleMania!" Like... everyone in WWE goes to WrestleMania. Even old dudes that haven't wrestled in about 10 years. Hikola is in disbelief; after almost an hour in the Royal Rumble, Bianca Belair's lipstick is still flawless.
There is a WWE documentary on Yokozuna where they acknowledge he wasn't actually Japanese, while at the same time acting like he was the greatest Samoan wrestler of all-time or something. Motherfucker only became champion through lying about his lineage and cheating, so I don't think anyone should be looking up to him.
Backstage
The Miz and John Morrison say "Hi" to Bad Bunny. Three of the worst people in the fucking building... together... and not a bomb in sight. Miz wants to collab with Bad Bunny to make the world an even shittier place. Then he completely buries Booker T - which Booker T hears but does absolutely nothing about, like a total chump.
-5/10
Oooh the Royal Rumble panel are here to waste more time! They're hyped for Bianca "being able to point to the WrestleMania sign" - bitch, it's a sign hanging above the fucking ring that anyone can point to whenever they want. If there was a crowd, they could all do that. Apparently there was some shitty womens tag-team title match on the preshow and I think it would have made more sense to show this before we saw all these women in the royal rumble, so we would understand their issues. But I don't know, I guess I just like things making sense and WWE prefer the "WTF is going on?!?" approach. And now R-Truth is here to drag this to the fucking swamp, and is pinned by a dude on the panel?
New 24/7 Champion = Peter Something NobodygivesafuckJBL: "This could be the worst event in wrestling history"
Bro, it's still a bit better than anything that involved you.
Corey Graves tries to insult David Arquette. Fuck off, you corporate fake punk douche.
Video Package
Roman Reigns threw Kevin Owens off some stage that is supposed to make it look like he died, except it looks safer than the thing he jumped off at WrestleMania BY CHOICE so I'm just like 'fuck you, fatty'. Reigns was supposed to be fighting some old dude, but they realised that might be one old dude too many tonight and instead it will be Kevin Owens again?
5/10
Universal Championship
Last Man StandingRoman Reigns (c) vs Kevin OwensSo when did these belts move brands? Last time I saw, the Universal belt was red because it was defended on Raw, and the WWE Championship was blue.
Hikola (about Kevin Owens): "His name looks like it should be Mac. I'm going to just call him Mac"Roman Reigns thinks he's Walmart Thanos.
Hikola wants to figure out how much it would hurt being hit with those special WWE ring steps, so demonstrates on me using an empty Pepsi bottle. The "crowd" in the Thunderdome are only showing an interest when they realise they can see themselves on TV. It's so weird - I don't want to watch people watching a show on their laptops. The fake crowd noise is even stranger.
Anyways, this is typical 'last man standing' nonsense, with chairs and stairs and brawling around the arena. One of the commentators calls Kevin Owens Mac "a thinking man's wrestler"; except "a thinking man" wouldn't be fucking watching this. Plus Kevin Owens Mac is getting hit with a chair - "a thinking man" thinks that is fucking stupid. They end up backstage and there is another ring? Is it a backup in case this one blows up? Roman Reigns runs over Kevin Owens Mac with a golf kart.
Hikola: "Mac! Please don't die! Just kidding - you can die, please"
But apparently it didn't nothing, because
Kevin Owens Mac recovers quicker from that than he did being thrown off a table. Then he lands a splash on Reigns, who sells that more than
Kevin Owens Mac did being run over by a golf kart.
Kevin Owens Mac then jumps off a raised forklift - remind me again why I should have any concern when he got thrown off a stage?
Reigns recovers and spears Kevin Owens Mac through some big LED screens. That's ok - WWE just made record profits during a pandemic after firing a bunch of people, so they can probably afford you to break more. Hikola now wants to do a real-life test comparing that to being run over. I'm thinking showing her this pretend violence was not a good idea...
Kevin Owens Mac handcuffs Reigns to the bottom of a lighting tower, and because he's sitting down the referee starts counting. Reigns kills that ref... so he can cheat? Then another ref comes out and starts counting BUT has to stop because Paul Heyman can't undo the handcuffs and get Reigns out of there. BAHAHAHAHA. So. Much. Fail.
FIVE... SI-Oh I think he just stood up, right?
LEGIT ONE WHOLE MINUTE LATER...
As soon as he does, however, he just chokes
Kevin Owens Mac.
Winner = Roman Reigns via choke
2/10
Hikola: "There is a referee that's dead over there. He's been down for a count of 100 now - so does that mean the other referee wins?"
Feel like a champion and more! By buying a WWE title belt. What is the "more"? A total loser that will be made fun of by everyone you know?
Holy shit we're not wasting any time now!
Royal Rumble
#1 Edge
Hikola: "He looks like House - is this his second job?"
#2 Randy Orton
They just brawl outside the ring like it's a repeat of their super long boring WrestleMania match that I still want to slap them for.
#3 Sami Zayn
#4 Mustafa Ali
Everyone is beating up Edge for some reason. Wait - I though Randy Orton was a good guy and had burns on his face? Why is he healed and teaming up with bad guys?
Hikola thinks Ali's hair is too long for his height.
#5 Jeff Hardy
Michael Cole makes a reference to Jeff Hardy and Edge inspiring other wrestlers with their exciting tag-team matches. He skips over the fact that was 20 years ago and they are still the most popular wrestlers in the company. Orton is now beating up the heels. Which then results in more Edge vs Orton brawling outside the ring.
#6 Dolph Ziggler
This dude has a belt? But no one cares, because Edge is attacking Orton with a chair while the others all rest in the ring.
Jeff Hardy eliminated
#7 Shinsuke Nakamura
Orton is being helped backstage because he is now "injured"
#8 Carlito
Hikola: "Was this guy in Miami Vice?"
#9 Xavier Woods
#10 Big E
He and Xavier completely bury Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn eliminated
#11 John Morrison
Xavier Woods eliminated
Big E is not happy.
Mustafa Ali eliminated
#12 Ricochet
I think we've now cut to Randy Orton backstage about 7 times. Clearly he's more important than the Royal Rumble
#13 Elias
Carlito is still there? I thought for sure he was going out first after like 30 seconds.
Carlito eliminated
Wait - Elias actually got the better of someone? I really don't follow this company at all!
#14 Damian Priest
Elias eliminated
That's more like it...
#15 The Miz
Bad Bunny's DJ left his gear setup near the entrance, so The Miz breaks it. That's what you get for not packing down like a responsible gigging musician. Amateur. The commentators are furious. Yeah, I bet Bad Bunny will be super pissed having to replace his *checks inventory* iPod to play his shitty backing tracks. This of course brings out Bad Bunny - who Corey Graves calls "the biggest star on the planet". Explains why I've never heard of him and likely never will again.
The Miz and John Morrison eliminated
Bad Bunny hits them with a splash because celebrities have to do shitty wrestling.
Oh cool, so now we've got a dude that hangs out with sex offenders and actual sex offenders in the ring. Great.
#17 Daniel Bryan
#18 Kane
He's back to being the dude in a mask shit - even though he refuses to wear one in real life.
Dolph Ziggler eliminated
Daniel Bryan wants to hug Kane. Of course, that results in him being choke-slammed.
Kane eliminated.
#19 King Corbin
Did I know he's a king? Did I care?
#20 Otis
And he's... doing the Bushwackers walk?
I like suplexes, so I like this Otis guy. Especially when he goes "Oh yeah!". The caterpillar move is dumb, though. Just stick to the suplexes. Or being stupid.
Otis eliminated
#21 Dominik Mysterio
Rey Mysterio's son is here? Where is Rogan Rodriguez when you need him...
King Corbin eliminated
#22 Bobby Lashley
#23 Hurricane
Didn't they cut this guy during the pandemic to help boost their record profits? Is self-respect something you must have zero of to be in pro-wrestling?
Hurricane eliminated
#24 ChristianHuh? How are all these old dudes that had to retire from injuries now suddenly getting medically cleared to wrestle again??
Bobby Lashley eliminated
Edge and Christian beat up Matt Riddle to make me happy.
#25 AJ Styles
Holy shit, I just remembered I used to watch him and Christian have awesome matches back in TNA. 13 years ago. Now he has some giant dude hanging out with him? That guy should just get in the ring and help.
#26 Rey Mysterio
Apparently Rey is plugging some beer tonight. Seriously. His entire entrance is dedicated to it.
Big E eliminated
#27 Sheamus
Rey Mysterio eliminated
AJ's giant friend is hilarious - do that more!
#28 Cesaro
A giant swing looks cool, but won't help you eliminate anyone.
#29 Seth Rollins
#30 Braun Strowman
He tries to throw out AJ Styles, but his giant friend don't play that game.
Cesaro eliminated
Sheamus eliminated
Then Strowman tricks AJ's giant friend by throwing AJ out where he didn't think he'd be.
AJ Styles eliminated
Michael Cole: "You're not going to win a striking battle with Matt Riddle"
Daniel Bryan eliminated
Matt Riddle eliminated
What a fucking idiot. And rapist.
Seth Rollins yells instructions at Braun Strowman, so Strowman beats him up.
Hikola is falling asleep due to the lack of good-looking men left on the show.
Christian eliminated
Braun Strowman eliminated
Seth Rollins eliminated
Edge wins?
SWERVE Randy Orton is back - he was never really eliminated. BAHAHAHA but Edge dumps him out immediately anyway.
Randy Orton eliminated
Winner = Edge via 29 other dudes being thrown out of a ring3/10
So Edge wins from #1.
Meh.
Hikola: "There was nothing on the show that really bored me, and I definitely preferred the Women's Royal Rumble match to the men's."
Hikola's Score = 8/10Logman: "I figured Edge was winning from #1 as soon as he came out. This show wasn't boring, but how in the fuck Hikola could give it an 8/10 tells me she is crazy - which is why she's married to me, I guess. I don't know what to say, except I had no idea how long it would take me to bLog about this nonsense and probably won't do a Royal Rumble again. Fuck that"
Logman's score = 4/10
