UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 13

UWF Fury Hour Episode 13, 7th January 1991

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray opens the show with a rant about Ivan Koloff and praising America or something.

Ivan Koloff thinks America is dumb.

Craig and Bruno say "Hi".

Herb is a mess.

Colonel DeBeers vs Riki Ataki
Bruno tries to give Ataki some respect. He's excited to be going to back to New York and brags about the amount of times he headlined Madison Square Garden (211!). Ataki hits a big move but celebrates before going for the pin, so of course he doesn't win.

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via DDT

Herb yells at the Colonel who replies in German and then (in English) insults Herb's choice in prostitutes. Herb makes fun of DeBeers for only having one eye. Fighting with one eye is kind of bold, actually. Extremely dangerous.

Iceman explains the concept of a referee but still hasn't checked the chemical density of mud as compared to blood.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still angry about that attack by Dr. Death. Fair enough; I am still angry with that person who said something rude outside a restaurant 30 years ago. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Baseball Guy
Baseball Guy attacks Orndorff before the bell before he can even get his robe off, which only make Orndorff angrier.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Herb gets in the ring and acts like a shitburger, so Orndorff grabs the mic and spits all over it.

'Dr. Death' Steve Wiliams tells Orndorff not to turn his back on him. I don't think he ever did.

Don Muraco vs Terry or Jerry Mooley?
Huh?

Winner = Don Muraco via nothing

That was like 3 moves. And they weren't impressive moves.

Call the UWF hotline and talk to somebody! But not 'The Golden Greek' because he's out in a Midnight Express limousine.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guest is Louie Spicolli and they just insult each other's looks. You're both ugly - let's move on. Spicolli tries to talk about a baby doll or something, so Albano just yells some more. Fuck off.

Herb and Bruno are at the UWF Box Office to run us down the "Rumble in The Big Apple", since it's only 2 days away now. Bruno is really drinking the kool-aid on this:
"I don't know when New York has seen a more impressive card than this one."
"Every one of these matches could be a main event in any city"
Yeah - that Ivan Koloff vs 'Wild Thing' match tonight is sure going to set the world on fire.

Larry Zybysko is willing to grant David Sammartino a meeting with God or something.

Ask The Wrestlers

Why are you asking Lou fucking Albano? WTF would he know? Albano is willing to help Bruno if he needs it. Yeah, the greatest champion in the history of pro-wrestling needs the help of an old fat former manager.

We get a recap of the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud, which leads to an interview with B. Brian Blair recorded earlier. He says... he doesn't like Bob Orton! Wow! What a shocking turn of events.

B. Brian Blair vs Louie Spicolli
Honey is finally back from the grave. Bruno plugs the New York shows again. I mean, surely it can't be more boring than this.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via awful sharpshooter

Herb admires Honey's bravery in returning to work after a month. Captain Lou Albano takes over and Herb is like 'leave me alone, please'. Herb mentions Orton didn't show for an earlier advertised match - so you're warning fans the next match might not actually happen?? Interesting promotion tactic...

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos can't believe B. Brian Blair needs a whole team of people to face them in New York. They have got a point there.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills the merch! They are still making 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts? I guess they printed a whole bunch in anticipation of it being such a popular item.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
'Wild Thing' again tries to steal a child, but doesn't get very far this time, so gives up and goes back to the pretty woman because she at least is receptive to him. 'Wild Thing' gets Koloff at a disadvantage and... just... let's him go? Interesting strategy! Ray hits a flying crossbody and gets a two count, but Koloff reverses it or something for the pin.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via pin reversal hilarity

Koloff attacks with the chain, but Ray steals it and Koloff runs away.

Captain Lou Albano goes on another rant about 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos.

Boring

Thoughts:

• WCW was marginally better than this show. Marginally.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 12

UWF Fury Hour Episode 12, 31st December 1990

It's New Year's Eve! And what better way to spend it by watching... the worst pro-wrestling show ever?

We open with a recap of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beating 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff with a chair. Apparently people were concerned 'Mr. Wonderful' may never be able to wrestle again!  Also: "The Rock from Hawaii!" Seriously, that's what Herb screamed! But... it's probably not that Rock from Hawaii.

THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!

I much prefer this opening. Craig and Bruno are interested in tonight's show. Craig calls Herb unpredictable. Guess he's back on the coke tonight. Herb runs down the "stars" we'll be seeing tonight. He leads with THE VIKING so everything else is just a disappointment. UWF have a hotline.

THE VIKING is back. He promises to send dudes home on stretchers again and they cut his promo short because I'm guessing it was too intimidating.

THE VIKING vs Baseball Gimmick Jobberdude
I wish I could make out what THE VIKING's entrance song is. He's got a not so plastic hammer today. So it's a viking against a baseball player?

BRING IT ON! Craig thinks you can sleep on THE VIKING's boots? He tries a leapfrog and it almost goes badly. Craig calls a slam a "powerplex". THE VIKING dedicates his elbow drop to a fan in the crowd - lucky fan!

Winner = THE VIKING via his worst match so far

Herb is "fed up with this guy". THE VIKING calls him a smurf. Herb says something about THE VIKING maiming his opponents which would have worked after one of his other matches, but this was his worst so far and he barely hurt the dude.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton loves New York and will fight B. Brian Blair there. 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos says they're gonna suplex the whole city. I'm guessing that means New York is actually a transformer like Metroplex and Orton will then suplex Metroplex in robot form. I missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Terry Cooley?
Honestly, Herb, how much extra would it cost to get the jobber's names written on the screen? 

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via figure-4 leglock

The UWF Hotline! Now you can pay to have Herb Abrams shout at you on the phone!

'Iceman' King Parson vs Louie Spicolli
Parsons is the big black dude that came out at the end of the last episode to help the black referee beat up Colonel DeBeers. His name is 'Iceman' and of course his entrance music is Ice Ice Baby. I'm not sure why, but Craig makes a point of calling Louie Spicolli "Cutie Pie" instead of Louie Spicolli. And he has to do it every 20 seconds; he's all, "Cutie Pie does this, Cutie Pie does that, Cutie Pie, Cutie Pie, Cutie Pie!".

Craig: Iceman "is very cool!"
Bruno: "..."
Craig: "Get it? Iceman. Cool."
Bruno: "Right... Anyway..."

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via flying butt attack he calls the Rumper Stumper or something

Herb asks Parsons why he's here and explains that he is black referee Larry's cousin and "Blood is thicker than mud!" As a scientist, I can tell you that is demonstrably false.

John Tolos is shilling the limo again. I mean, there's worse things to be promoting.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is upset because he has to help B. Brian Blair. He brings in "Coach Tolos" so they can shout at each other. Tolos thinks this is a conspiracy - what, making B. Brian Blair have an old fat due for a manager? Albano just shouts "That's right, Coach!" about 17 more times.

The UWF will hold a "Fan Expo" in New York. What an exciting event for about 3 people!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams says he once lived in New Jersey, so that makes him an expert on New York.

Ask The Wrestlers

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff says "NO" to drugs and alcohol.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Intern
The Intern is wearing a 'Dr. Death' t-shirt to provoke Orndorff. Which leads to Orndorff straight up killing the dude.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via super squash

The Intern got what he deserved. Holy shit - Craig only just realised that The Intern was wearing a 'Dr. Death' t-shirt. What the fuck was he watching??

Orndorff shoves Herb and tells him it's all his fault. This man gets cooler every episode.

And then my video ends - so no main event for me? But I wanted to see The Rock and Mick Foley!

Thoughts:

• Sometimes it's so bad, it's good.
• Sometimes it's so bad, it's FML I want to die.
• I forgot what happened in WCW this week. I'll try and do better in 1991.