UWF Fury Hour: Episode 24

UWF Fury Hour Episode 24, 15th April 1991

TONIGHT IS THE STEEL CAGE MATCH BAH GAWD FEEL THE FURY!!!

Craig and Bruno are looking forward to finally ending this long-running feud in a bloody match. Bruno is super excited about the upcoming tournament to crown the first UWF Sportschannel TV Changing Champion or whateverthefuck they will be called.

S.D. Jones will be wrestling tonight. What? For reals??

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs The Beast
John Tolos joins the commentary team to make sure we know his tag-team is the greatest of all tag-teams. They should have a tag-team championship to prove it. The Beast seems to finally have tights that fit properly. Craig tells Tolos he doesn't want him joining them on commentary regularly. Fuck you - I want him on commentary full-time instead of you!

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via eye poke and DDT combo

I guess it's better than a slam? Craig thinks Bruno should enter the UWF Championship tournament. Finally something we can agree on!

THE BEACH BRAWL!!! Herb screaming is fucking fun. Pro-wrestling needs more coked up dudes screaming at everyone to buy shit.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack vs Two Dude Whose Names I Don't Know
Cactus Jack dives to the concrete carpet and the crowd love it. I can see this tag-team being somewhat popular - despite the fact they are supposed to be bad guys. One of the jobber dudes is wearing tights that look like a Rainbow Paddle Pop. I always have and always will prefer a Bubble O'Bill.

Winners = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack via Orton hitting a splash or something from the middle rope.

Coach Tolos is happy!

Herb reminds us that Cactus Jack is unpredictable just like the UWF. I mean the only parts unpredictable are the BS finishes in every main event, but I guess because it happens so regularly that makes it even less unpredictable.

Captain Lou's Corner
Tonight Albano is in the ring with Bruno and poor sound to show us the new UWF Sportsbra TV BBQ Championship belt. It's actually nicer looking than I expected! I mean, the coloured UWF logo and the Sportschannel logo and the UWF engraved on the sides are all pretty ugly, but otherwise it's not bad.

THE BEACH BRAWL IS COMING

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams is calling everyone to go the Penta Hotel in New York now to watch his steel cage match with 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Pretty sure it was taped like a month ago, so going now would be stupid and you'd likely only see a bunch of tourists and I'm guessing a buffet. 'Dr. Death' wants to battle Orndorff in the crowd and the parking lot. Those are all open spaces - then why do this in a cage?

S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) vs Captain Badd
Has S.D. Jones wrestled since WrestleMania II? Did Captain Badd always have a red mask? I need an investigative journalist to help me out here with the important questions.

Winner = S.D. Jones via headbutt? For reals??

S.D. Jones says the UWF is action and this is the "new" S.D. Jones. New means old?

Ask The Wrestlers

This sure is a loaded question. Albano's answer: "the finest attitudes!" Unsaid reality answer: GIMME DRUGS AND BOOZE AND YOUNG WOMEN attitude. Albano suggests drinking hot water in the morning and eating boiled ham to get a body like him. Herb isn't feeling generous today, so the Kleine family are only going to receive one UWF hat that they will all have to share.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff drinks protein shakes like a real man!

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
There is a new ring announcer and he's even more devoid of charisma than the previous one. We get a wide shot of the ring showing the steel cage in the middle of a ballroom in an old-fashioned New York hotel in front of maybe around 100 people and it is just a bizarre visual.

It also looks like the whole thing could topple down on the crowd at any time.
Orndorff gets Williams down and immediately tries to climb over the top of the cage. So we're doing the WWF 'escape the cage' rule? That's... weak. Especially considering this was all about Orndorff wanting to get revenge. Orndorff is bleeding, which can only be a blade job because he hasn't even been close to hitting the cage. In fact, both guys seem to be doing their best to avoid touching the structure - likely due to safety reasons. I mean, it's being held up by fucking base plates that are inside the fucking ring! 'Dr. Death' does the most blatant blade job right in front of the camera. Again - this shit is taped! Holy balls there is even a camera man inside the ring for this. That seems unwise. 'Dr. Death' tries to climb out of the cage but he falls on his balls, so Orndorff just walks out the cage door OH NO HE DOES NOT!

Terry Gordy slams the cage door Orndorff.

The bell rings and the match is over??

Well of course we had to get a clusterfuck finish!

Gordy gets in the cage and stomps Orndorff. Cactus Jack is randomly here to guard the doorway so no one can help Orndorff, so Don Muraco comes out and fights with all the bad guys and we've got a crazy brawl... until the good guys are all dead.

Draw via double-disqualification

Bruno says the referee was out and doesn't know what happened. So why did the bell ring as soon as Gordy appeared? Who called for an end to the match? I assumed 'Dr. Death' was disqualified since Gordy interfered on his behalf, but Craig assures me it was a double-disqualification. What did 'Mr. Wonderful' do to get disqualified? I actually had to look this up online because Prime forbid I give my valued readers the incorrect result...

Thoughts:

• Herb being coked up and shouting is the best thing about this show.
• Once again, I was having fun until the ending. Shit like that hurts my brain.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 23

UWF Fury Hour Episode 23, 8th April 1991

Bruno and Craig introduce us to a new wrestler who will be debuting today - Terry Gordy! Also appearing will be Sunny Beach and 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. That's much less extraordinary. Bruno thinks they will be going very far. Far away from me? ALSO the UWF will be holding a tournament to crown the very first UWF champion!

We have new graphics yet again and Terry Gordy is listed as being from "Badstreet, USA". That makes me happy.

The Beach Brawl is coming! Wait - the UWF champion will be called "The UWF Sportschannel TV Champion"??

Terry Gordy vs Captain Badd
So while The Freebirds continue in WCW with just one original member, Terry Gordy has somehow ended up here? He comes out to Mötley Crüe's Looks That Kill that makes me even happier. It also makes me want to listen to Mötley Crüe again - they really didn't have a bad album. I tried to trash Generation Swine when I did my little unpublished marathon, but I really did listen to that a lot back in 1997 and I don't think it's nearly as bad as people would have you believe. Except for the shitty ballads that are just laughable.

Winner = Terry Gordy via powerbomb

Gordy has still got it. And that powerbomb was pretty rad. Also Looks That Kill would work more as the entrance song for a woman, given the chorus is all "She's got looks that kill!"

Gordy says he's here to kick butt and get titles. And the UWF is all out of titles??

There's a Delhi in New York? Do American's just have to steal everything??

B. Brian Blair vs Brian Donahue
I made a lot of jokes about Brian Donahue because I got his name confused with Brian Dennehy, but I have an edit function and will delete them all now. Craig tries to put over Blair's attempt at the Sharpshooter. Mutherfucker I see Sting do this in WCW all the fucking time and he looks fucking cool while this dipshit looks like a useless piece of shit botch machine EVERY TIME.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the most insulting Shitshooter and I am now considerably less happy

Craig tries to make a joke about the Donahue show. What a nerd.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos tells us he looks great in a polo shirt and suit jacket - it's not a good combo, sorry. He then brags about wrestling in the 50's. AND his "stable". Dude, you've got two wrestlers. That's not a stable that is a fucking a tag-team.

Herb is now shilling the Penta(gon Jr.) Hotel. Perhaps that was Honey doing the voice over previously...

Oh fuck me they are shilling some new weight gain drink and I am absolutely fucking dying.

If I'm riding in a nice limo, there's no way I'm watching UWF in the back. I save that nonsense for when I'm on my couch for hours on end like a fucking dork.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy is here! Albano raves about the guy and Gordy... well... he just looks lost. He's good at beating people with chairs, so Albano tries to explain that means he's good at wrestling. Fuck me; after such an exciting debut earlier, this promo was one hell of a mistake.

Again: this shit is not live, people.

Captain Lou Albano shills The Beach Brawl. He never actually says the name or anything, but he at least does get the date right.

Don Muraco vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Where's Fatu? Don't get me wrong; I thought The Samoan Swat Team sucked in WCW, but I'm a completist so bring them all here! The Samoans attack Muraco before he can even get his shirt off.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

So you've got Samu - a younger, less shitty wrestler - but you instead insist on having an old garbage wrestler like Afa wrestle on the show? That's so UWF.

Ask The Wrestlers

Herb can't believe the balls of Dan to ask this. Orton says that Tolos is only giving him advice during the matches and he makes him a better person.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Carmine Albano
Next week, Orndorff will face 'Dr. Death' in a steel cage match! I wonder what type of nonsense will happen to make sure we don't get a proper finish. It'll be tough to do in a cage, I'm sure, but no doubt Herb can find a way... John Tolos joins the commentary team and compares Bruno to a flock of chickens? Bruno questions Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton's credentials as a tag-team.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash

The ring announcer sounds like he's speaking through a broken cellphone speaker.

We get a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud but with still photos instead of much of the video footage. And Craig just talks all over 'Dr. Death's promos so you can't hear what he was saying. Quality promo package. 'Dr. Death' tells us he knows about many steel things and believes winning will make him the champion or something. Dude must have missed the tournament announcement.

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

The UWF superstars train at The Power Shack gym, so you should buy their t-shirt.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno believes this will be a big test for Wet N' Wild. Didn't this same match happen last week?? Why is it more of a test now? The problem with this match is Orton is good, Cactus Jack is OK, and Wet N' Wild are fucking terrible. Craig starts making fun of Tolos being dressed like a High School PE teacher and I can't help but agree. Dude should be wearing fancy suits. And I should be watching something else.

Draw via double disqualification, I guess

Tolos chokes Sunny Beach while Orton & Jack beat 'Wild Thing' with a surfboard. Do it some more!

Surf's up, Dude!

Remember when Steven Seagal starred in actual theatrical releases??

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is a great promo sometimes.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 22

UWF Fury Hour Episode 22, 1st April 1991

Craig and Bruno welcome some actual newcomers to the UWF this week: Afa 'The Wild Samoan' and Bam Bam Bigelow. Bruno thinks Bigelow's tattoos are unusual.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Captain Badd
Craig recommends you bring the whole family to the UWF tapings in Florida. Sure - if you want your family to split up and hate each other forever?

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via usual boring squash

This dude was already a bore in 1991; how on Earth did WWF in 1998 think a feud with Steve Austin was going to be money??

Afa 'The Wild Samoan' vs Carmine Albano
Craig assumes Afa doesn't watch this show, so continuously insults his looks. Bold strategy. It sounds like they're calling Albano "Galvano" or something; are they trying to pretend he's not Captain Lou Albano's nephew now? Because they were very open about it before. And he's got "C.A." on his boots.

Winner = Afa 'The Wild Samoan' via Samoan drop

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is not happy to introduce 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. Albano seems to be blaming all his bad deeds on John Tolos. Orton can barely get his words out properly. This. Shit's. Not. Live. Orton claims to be the best wrestler of the last 7 years - weird flex, basically saying people pre-1984 were better. How is Albano shocked at Orton's bad behaviour, when the most famous point of his career was being a bad guy against Hulk Hogan. Orton says Albano is jealous of Tolos.

The Power Twins get asked questions and they're all none of your business. They will be the next tag-team champions. Where? There are no tag-team championships here in the UWF.

The Power Twins vs 'Corporal' Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi
John Tolos gets on commentary. Bruno tells him he and his brother were a great tag-team, but Bruno didn't appreciate their cheating ways.

Winners = The Power Twins via Power Ending, though it seems to be a different move to last time, so who knows

Ask The Wrestlers

Herb says the UWF is following in the spirit and tradition of pro-wrestling in the 50's and 60's. So pro-wrestling sucked back then, huh?

Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bigelow looks like he may have trimmed down a bit - they keep saying he's 400 pounds, but he doesn't look it. Then again, I'm watching WCW and they say One Man Gang is 450 pounds and he looks about the same size as Bam Bam Bigleow, so I just don't know. Wrestlers be lying, yo! Orton and Tolos cheat and it's supposed to be hidden from the referee so as to explain them getting away with it, but it is actually all blatantly in front of the referee. Bruno says Bigelow has great recuperative powers. I keep telling y'all: being fat is the greatest weapon a pro-wrestler can have.

Draw via time limit expired

Some people are actually cheering? I guess dumb stuff is popular here!

Thoughts:

• Snore

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 21

UWF Fury Hour Episode 21, 18th March 1991

Craig and Bruno ensure us tonight will be exciting - I'll be the judge of that!

Chris Michaels vs Captain Badd
Michaels is called a "newcomer". Maybe this non-jobber version. Apparently, he was formerly in the military or something - hence he's now wearing camp pants and waving the American flag in the midst of a big 'Support the Troops' exploitation push.

Winner = Chris Michaels via top-rope dropkick and weird count from the referee

Herb asks the kid what kind of success he hopes to have in the UWF, so he just cuts some stupid patriotic USA promo that has absolutely nothing to do with what Herb asked.

Ask The Wrestlers

He started out in Kansas and was trained by some guy that is now blackballed - well, that's actually quite interesting. And of course he's not married! But then again, he strikes me as the type of dude to lie about that...

The Power Twins (w/Rick Golden) vs Brian Donahue & Carmine Albano
Some young people scale the fence - well, walk over the hotel rope - to yell at The Power Twins.

Winners = The Power Twins via Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guests are The Power Twins and they want you to know they are the only identical twins in pro-wrestling today. I know this because it is all they keep saying. Albano can't get their names right because he is stupid.

Herb is still shilling the 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirt. He was defeated by Lex Luger at the most recent WCW PPV, while Nikita Koloff watched from the front row.

Don Muraco vs Dusty Wolfe
Not sure how little I care about this. Apparently it's very little.

Winner = Don Muraco via inverted piledriver

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams comes out and stomps Muraco for no reason, so Orndorff comes out brandishing a plank of wood like he's my Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan.

Herb catches up with 'Dr. Death', who wants to talk about men eating raw meat or something...

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack
The most interesting part of this match is Sunny Beach and Cactus Jack fighting over a surfboard, while Jack does the most blatant and silly blade job.

Don't get blood on the nice concrete carpet!

Draw via double disqualification or something

Just as they are announcing the result, the video is cut off... and then I get highlights of the lumberjack match again!

Thoughts:

• More people in wrestling should fight over surfboards. And Skateboards.
• In fact, Herb should bring in a skateboarder to feud with Sunny Beach - Skateboard vs Surfboard!

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 20

UWF Fury Hour Episode 20, 11th March 1991

I've got a whole new intro this week... but I'm thinking this is a different source than usual. Apparently this is "the greatest entertainment spectacle on earth!". They back this up by showing... matches that end in disqualifications and count-outs. And 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey.

Tonight! Craig and Buno tell those channel surfers to keep it right here, because we will see the much anticipated lumberjack match between 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff and 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams!  There will be 10 wrestlers surrounding the ring and Bruno expects them to play favourites.

Also, "another fan's question gets answered tonight!". I'm pretty sure they haven't been answered properly for a few weeks now, so these "fans" shouldn't be holding their breath.

Don Muraco vs Captain Badd
Bruno wants Craig to know that he enjoys working with him. You know, Bruno never said that to Vince OR Herb. Read between the lines there, guys! However, Bruno can barely contain his contempt for Captain Badd. Craig starts mentioning all of Don Muraco's wrestling idols were and Bruno is all like "I beat him. I beat him. And I beat him, too!" Bruno would have beaten Captain Badd as well.

Winner = Don Muraco via inverted piledriver

Herb is with 'The Rock' (not that one). "What's on your mind?" "Lumberjack!"

Lumberjack Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
The lumberjacks are out first and it's basically the whole UWF roster - including some random dudes I've never seen before. Frank E shows his amazing announcing skills by confusing 'Dr. Death' for Paul Orndorff. At first I'm like 'why is this match in the middle of the show and not the main event?' but then I realise it might actually mean it is aired in full instead of being chopped across two weeks like every other important match. Cactus Jack runs in to stop Orndorff from hitting the piledriver and the referee is knocked out. Now 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and John Tolos give Williams a briefcase so Don Muraco gets involved. 'Dr. Death' runs away before Orndorff can use it.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via disqualification

The crowd chant for the ever popular "BULL SHIT".

Herb tells Orndorff he didn't defeat 'Dr. Death. Um, he won by disqualification, so technically he did. Orndorff acknowledges the crowd are not happy so he wants a cage match! The crowd cheers, but it's not like the match will be happening now so why would they be happy? Herb tells Orndorff to tell Steve Williams, but Orndorff is like 'fuck you - you're the boss, do you're fucking job!'

Ask The Wrestlers

All the matches were great because Tolos is great. He then puts over Classy Freddie Blassie big time.

B. Brian Blair (w/shitty new entrance theme) vs The Beast
Craig thinks The Beast wears a mask because he's embarrassed about his wrestling skills. Bruno thinks he should change his name to The Lamb. I think he needs to fix the elastic in his pants.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Bruno is having a great time making fun of The Beast.

Captain Lou's Corner
Wet N' Wild are here and claim they don't have a name for their new tag-team combination, so Albano figures out they should be called Wet N' Wild. Y'all realise they wrestled under that name last week? With graphics and everything? Even had a name card at the start of the show - which I fucking screen-capped in my recap?? Albano thinks now they will be the greatest tag-team of all-time. Suck my balls.

Some fans are excited for the UWF!

The Power Twins vs Chris Michaels and Tom Brandi
Holy shit these jobbers got an entrance AND name graphics! They're both wearing military camo pants - perhaps they have graduated to full-time not jobbers?

Winners = The Power Twins via top rope elbow which may be called The Power Ending

The Power Twins call Herb a midget. Dudes, he's about the same size as your manager. They want to fight Wet N' Wild again.

We get highlights of the lumberjack match? So when there is a big match, they either chop it up and play it in parts OR they play it twice in one night??

Thoughts:

• Pointless
• Making jokes about how awful The Beast is sounded like the most fun Bruno has had in some time.