UWF Fury Hour: Episode 31

UWF Fury Hour Episode 31, 3rd June 1991

New York! I'm excited because it's the last episode before The Beach Brawl and THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!!!

Herb is still in the editing room, warning you there will be a lot of talk about The Beach Brawl today, including a press conference or something. It's a "dynamite episode" you say? The lineup says otherwise...

Today we get two editions of Captain Lou's Corner? Oh fuck you! I'll blow you up with dynamite?

Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red) vs Chris Michaels (w/American flag)
Koloff has a manager now? We already had Mr. Black, now we've got Mr. Red - is this Reservoir Dogs? Mr. Red is bitching about Captain Lou Albano doing something to him... except this is the first time he's appeared?

He has a thick redneck accent, and then berates the New York crowd for being hillbillies. Bruno is like 'WTF? Does he even know where we are?'

Winner = Ivan Koloff via choke

Ivan beats Michaels with the chain after the fight, while Mr. Red distracts the referee. Why? The fight's over - the referee means nothing now. Holy shit, here comes Bob Backlund to make the save and keep us stuck in the 1970's.

Don Muraco has things to say to Terry Gordy. Terry Gordy just wants to talk about a parking lot.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy says Don Muraco is a big man with a big reputation. He expects bombs will explode at The Beach Brawl. Captain Lou does not agree with Gordy's tactics but does respect his skills. Fuck off.

The UWF crew sit down to predict the main event. Bruno picks 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams to win, due to his experience and conditioning. Craig and Brian both pick Bam Bam Bigelow to win because he's a big fat dude and he's hungry? He's going to eat 'Dr. Death'? Herb agrees with Bruno and just looks unhappy in general.

Oh wow we're now actually getting a full rundown of the card for (The) Beach Brawl. It looks... like an episode of The Fury Hour.

Wet N' Wild vs Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno is slowly losing patience pretending to care about Wet N' Wild. Tolos is just nonchalantly beating Steve Ray with a chair and it's hilarious.

Sunny Beach hits a bulldog on one of the twins and Craig calls it a "powerbomb maneuver". The Power Twins bring in the surfboard. Bruno thinks they should be disqualified since they used it first, even though Wet N' Wild are the ones that get an advantage from it.

Draw via double-disqualification

Tolos beats Sunny Beach with his shoe. Craig calls Beach "sexy" so it's official - the lead commentator is blind.

The UWF will hold another show the night before (The) Beach Brawl and it actually looks somewhat interesting!

Beach Brawl Press Conference
Bam Bam Bigelow has decided to go full on bad guy for this. Which is weird, considering he's been a good guy since he arrived and 'Dr. Death' has been a real shit since about episode 2.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is joined by The Power Twins and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. Apparently 'The Golden Greek will be spending some time in a cage?? Tolos: "I'm a man! I'm a man! A real man!". Albano repeats that he will be put in a cage. WHEN AND WHY FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?! And now Tolos is calling some guys "insects". WHO??!??!

The (Killer) Bees vs Cash Jackson & Jobber Calhoun
I'm not going to lie to you, loyal readers; I lost interest in this match about 5 seconds in when The (No Longer Killer?) Bees came to the ring without wearing the old Bee masks or yellow jackets. I guess they lost all that swag along with the "Killer" part of their name?

Winners = The Bees via dropkick from 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell

Is Brunzell still 'Jumping' Jim or did he lose his nickname as well? Also, how much plastic surgery has the guy had??

Beach Brawl Press Conference part II
Bam Bam Bigelow justifies being fat because he's strong and works during the day...

Is 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams calling Bigelow "Polly"? He says he has flames on his feet that will remove Bigelow's tattoos or something. Don't ask me.

Ask The Wrestlers

Muraco says he has fought everyone but the toughest were Ivan Koloff and Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka. You never fought me! Snuka killed a lady; don't know if that's "tough", but it sure is shitty.

Nikolai Volkoff is proud to be Russian and also a US citizen. Sound like the worst of all fucking worlds, right there.

Nikolai Volkoff vs The Beast
The Beast punches Volkoff in the balls, but I guess low blows are legal in the UWF? Volkoff hits the worst spinning kick I've seen today. 

Winner = Nikolai Volkoff via clothesline

These Russians sure do like their clotheslines...

That's it??

Thoughts:

• Herb looks absolutely miserable. It's like his investment is not going so well, or something...
• This was the go-home to their first pay-per-view event, and it ended with Nikolai Volkoff and The Beast - two guys NOT on the pay-per-view.
• WCW was also fucking stupid at times, but I'm still giving it the win for this week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 30

UWF Fury Hour Episode 30, 27th May 1991

Herb greets us from the editing room to tell us that tonight we'll see the UWF Sportschannel UHF Vidiot Championship Tournament semi-finals. What happened to the quarter-finals??

Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco
Bruno Sammartino is back on commentary - yay! And this match is a wild, crazy brawl - yay! And... fuck me!

Draw via double-disqualification

Apparently, this was one of the quarter-finals. Huh? Does Dr. Abrams not understand how tournaments work?

Luna Vachon says some weird stuff and The Power Twins are number one - all to promote the new TV Champion at Beach Brawl?

Holy fuck we really are off to the races here.

Captain Lou Albano has yet another ad for the hotline and begs people to call him. He seems lonely.

Colonel DeBeers is back with a big black dude called Mr. Black as his servant or something. This just proves DeBeers is an equal opportunity employer.

Colonel DeBeers (w/Mr. Black) vs Soul Train Phillips
Craig says Mr. Black is DeBeers' "aide" and then straight up calls DeBeers "the racist from South Africa". Soul Train goes for the pin, but DeBeers knocks him into the referee. Which leads to DeBeers stomping the referee and then a shot of the crowd... worshipping DeBeers??

Odd shot to cut to. DeBeers gives Soul Train the DDT on the concrete carpet.

Winner = Soul Train Phillips via disqualification

I've already had ads for The Beach Brawl twice, Captain Lou's hotline, Weight Gain 3000, The Beach Brawl again and now the Power Line.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Quarter-Final
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Will this last longer than the previous quarter-final? Bruno says 'Wild Thing' needs to improve. Once again, Bruno with the brutal honesty. Craig lists off the other quarter-finals and it's hilarious because we've already seen Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy and Herb told us who will be in the semi-finals. Not to mention they've been advertising people like B. Brian Blair as having matches at Beach Brawl that are clearly not part of the tournament. These two have been fighting outside the ring now for like a count of 70, yet other matches get counted out in about 3 seconds.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slam thingee

Herb gets in the ring and seems to talk some shit to Steve Ray, who then takes a swing at Herb. So Herb runs behind 'Dr. Death' for safety. Apparently some sort of personal issue here, or maybe an attempt at some kind of worked shoot. Who the hell knows?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton wants to see you at The Beach Brawl! Is it The Beach Brawl or just Beach Brawl? I'm honestly confused...

B. Brian Blair vs Power Twin #1 (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos & Power Twin #2)
Aren't the Power Twins' names Larry and David? Holy shit - wouldn't Larry David be an awesome wrestling manager?!? Oh, we are just sticking with calling them "Power Twin #1" and "Power Twin #2" because Bruno straight up said he has zero interest in learning their names and who am I to argue with Bruno? The Power Twins keep swapping places like some sneaky bad guys, but Blair still keeps beating them up. He attempts his shitshooter so the other Power Twin hits him with a shoe. 

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification

'Jumping' Jim Brunzell runs out to make the save! Yay! It's the tag-team reunion no one asked for! So the director again cuts to the nerds in the crowd doing the worship thing.

I'm genuinely tempted to order Bruno's book the next time Book Depository give me a coupon.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still blasting his arms.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is back! He calls Terry Gordy a "young man" so I look it up and in 1991 holy shit Terry Gordy was 30 years-old! I would never have guessed that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Joshua Bengorian vs The Beast
This Bengorian guy looks like the biggest fucking dork and comes out to traditional Jewish music or something.

Apparently he's ex-Israeli military like Gal Gadot. The commentators choose to make fun of The Beast and I'm like 'guys, The Beast is actually the least awful thing happening here', because - unbelievably - Bengorian is more awful than he looks. Bruno quickly realises I'm right and starts burying the guy. Dude hits three clotheslines and Craig calls each one "The Israeli Airforce Bomber".

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via clothesline from the middle-rope that is also called The Israeli Airforce Bomber

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy turned out to be The Bounty Hunter - they're both tall and shit.

Herb tells us that Cactus Jack didn't show up for his quarter-final match against Bam Bam Bigelow and instead of showing us all the subsequent drama that took place in the ring, Herb describes it to us. Seriously. And then announces that the final of the tournament will be Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. So out of 3 matches only 1 dude actually had to win a match to make it to the final? And what happened to the 4th quarter final??

The commentators talk about Beach Brawl happening next week. Craig needs a fucking calendar.

Thoughts:

• This may actually be the worst tournament I've ever seen; one quarter-final was thrown out after 30 seconds, another wrestler advances without actually wrestling, and then another quarter-final didn't even take place. What in the actual fuck is this nonsense??
• Joshua Bengorian can go stick a dreidel up his pee hole.
• WCW was absolutely better this week. Me blowing my nose was better than this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 29

UWF Fury Hour Episode 29, 20th May 1991

Captain Lou Albano is still filling in for Bruno Sammartino. A painful reminder they are sure to give me about 20 times. Craig tells us we are now only two weeks away from The Beach Brawl! Except... it's actually three.  Albano is staking his 38 years experience on the UWF being the best... There's a six-man tag match tonight and Craig is cut off which is the best part of the show.

Wet N' Wild vs Big Bobby & Al Jobeer or Something(?)
Wet N' Wild come out to Vanilla Ice's Play That Funky Music and it has me wondering if they should actually be my favourite tag-team.

Albano rates Wet N' Wild at a "90" because they could still use a little bit of improvement. You think?!?! Craig calls a slam a "belly to belly suplex". Fuck that guy.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via splash

Big Bobby didn't even get in the ring once.

The 1957 Chevy Phone is a replica of the 1957 Chevy and an actual working phone? Talk about advancements in technology!

Ask The Wrestlers

He hints that they may get back together at The Beach Brawl. Aren't you in the TV Championship tournament? You can't have a tag-team partner in that, dork.

Malia Hosaka vs Luna Vachon
Vachon comes out to Mötley Crüe, so she deserves to win. Albano wants to know if Hosaka is married. I'm pretty sure you weigh about 4-times as much as her and are 3-times her age. Albano makes "jokes" about both women's looks, so Craig tries his hand at the sake "jokes" this time. And then The Black Harts fuck up the ending.

Winner = Luna Vachon via Hosaka being tripped

Wet N' Wild come out and beat up The Black Harts with chairs.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian Ricco is back to talk to us about Dr. Herb Abrams' tournament format. 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beat Nikolai Volkoff in 3 minutes. Wow. Bam Bam Bigelow beat Ivan Koloff. Oh NOW he's giving the details of the quarterfinalists. You're a week late, pal! Or Craig was a week early. Either way, this is what happens when you tape five weeks of TV shows in one day, and then have them edited together by a monkey.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with The Power Twins. He is proud to actually have a stable at last, so lists off everyone. He's convinced he will lead The Power Twins to tag-team glory! Hey, he did get 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey a gig with WCW, right? So maybe he's going to set up a match against the Steiner Brothers?

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Corporal Kirschner & David Perry
Albano makes fun of Corporal Kirschner for not being able to get a promotion.

Winners = The Power Twins via double elbow that may or may not be The Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano just yells incredibly racist jibberish at Malia Hosaka. She replies in Japanese, but speaks very quietly so I can't pick up what she said. After Albano yells more jibberish, she walks away laughing and both of them are picked up on the mic saying they have no idea what he was saying.

Fuck. You.

The most excited men in the USA call the UWF Powerline!

The Lynx vs Mr. V
Albano thinks Craig adds legitimacy to pro-wrestling. Now he's talking about sports in the '30s and '50s, before raving about building military weapons. 

Winner = The Lynx via rollup

I'm not sure what was worse - the commentary or the botching.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, Bam Bam Bigelow & B. Brian Blair vs Boris Zhukov, 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Rusty Brooks
How in the fuck did Rusty Brooks get in this match?? He and Albano get into an argument about who is fatter or something... Then Albano gets Zhukov confused with Nikita Koloff. That dude isn't even with this company anymore - I'll give you an update on him after this match, but I can assure you, what he's involved with is infinitely better than this. Of course, the match just turns into a brawl and then for some reason the bell rings in the middle of it.

Winners = The good guys via Bam Bam Bigelow pinning Boris Zhukov or something?

Thoughts:

• Holy shit Lou Albano needs to go!
• Yesterday, I watched WCW Superbrawl 1991 and it was infinitely better than this. Particularly when Nikita Koloff got into a brawl with Sting. He made the right decision leaving the UWF and returning to WCW - even if it is just for a month.
• These matches were all terrible.
• And the commentary was worse.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 28

UWF Fury Hour Episode 28, 13th May 1991

Craig and Captain Lou Albano are standing out in the sun and Albano looks like he's getting a little too much sun. Craig bitches about the way Albano is dressed..

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs The Lynx & Random Jobber
Albano tries to say Luna has more tattoos than Bam Bam Bigelow because she has like 2 or something. He also uses the same jokes about tattoos being like watching cartoons or whatever it is he's been trying to do. 2 minutes in and I'm pretty sure he's said "moron" about 182 times. Holy fuck this guy... The Black Harts apparently have names but I only catch one of them. Albano inadvertently points out how shit this company by not even having a tag-rope on the corner. 

Winners = The Black Harts via vegematic? Is that what their finishing move is called?

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian is back to let us know Terry Gordy and Steve Ray have progressed in the tournament from matches that probably sucked.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Dusty Wolfe
Albano tries to talk about Orndorff's diet and training regime, when anyone who's been watching knows it just involves those milkshakes and the muscle blaster.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Florida Jobberman
Craig gives us a further update on the UWF Sportschannel UFC BBQ Championship Tournament, since Orton isn't involved; Cactus Jack, Bam Bam Bigelow, B. Brian Blair, Colonel DeBeers, Don Muraco, Terry Gordy, 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams are your quarter-finalists. Then they spend the rest of the match giving out the various phone numbers you can call to buy tickets.  You know, we had a "Tournament Update" segment about ten minutes ago - this type of information could have made that segment a big more substantial.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Albano acts like that was the greatest finishing maneuver ever.

Six months later and they're still shilling 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's "guests" are The Black Harts and Luna Vachon. One of The Black Harts is doing the "diamond" sign - must be a DDP fan? Or Jay-Z? Albano doesn't like this so quits. Yay Black Harts!

B. Brian Blair vs Rusty Brooks
Albano's gimmick is he refuses to say the names of the jobbers correctly. This shit may be entertaining for him, but makes it really difficult for me to bLog correctly. Now he's making old Dad jokes that would probably be somewhat funny if it were someone else telling them. Blair falls over applying his Shitshooter. Faaaark me...

Winner = B. Brian Blair via fail

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/o Tag Partner?)
Tolos finally has more people in his stable!!! Albano seems to have a real problem with Steve Ray being a good guy. Apparently, Sunny Beach didn't show up so 'Wild Thing' will have to wrestle alone? Oh wait, Sunny Beach has arrived late and hits people with his luggage.

Winners = The Power Twins via disqualification

Joining Tolos' stable was the right move!

Thoughts:

• This was an unwatchable show, made unlistenable by Captain Lou Albano on commentary.
• I don't remember a thing from WCW this week, but there is no way in hell it was even close to being this terrible.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 27

UWF Fury Hour Episode 27, 6th May 1991

It's Craig and Captain Lou Fucking Albano from Universal Studios in Florida again. Tonight! We get a rematch of Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, plus more information on The Beach Brawl - which will likely just be the same 30 second commercial of Herb screaming at me to order it.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Rico Federico
Albano says something about Orndorff being "a credit to his manhood" and... ok... Then he puts over Federico for being able to withstand a fucking armdrag.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff puts over Federico, but says he's looking forward to the tournament because it will be more competitive. I would imagine he's also looking forward to getting out of the sun.

Boris Zhukov vs Corporal Kirschner
Albano continues to mock the Russian national anthem with other random noises. He makes a comment about how Russians choke under pressure - all while the Russian is destroying his opponent.

Winner = Corporal Kirschner via rollup

Maybe Albano was right?

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Colonel Debeers defeated 'Iceman' King Parsons - those guys are still in the company? Or are we just going to count matches from previous shows? Don Muraco defeated Afa. According to Brian, both of these matches featured controversy. In the UWF?? I am in shock!

UWF wrestlers and random nerds all enjoy Super Weight Gain 3000.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos still likes this limo...

Herb shilling Universal Studios absolutely cheapens the whole experience.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's "guest" is Boris Zhukov. Albano says he has a big head. Zhukov enjoys taking money from Americans. Dude - you lost your last match. No one's paying you shit.

Ask The Wrestlers

He's been wrestling for 5 years?? Shockingly, he has not held any titles, but plans "on holding a lot more in the UWF!". More than zero? What a tremendous goal!

The Power Twins vs David Perry & SomeOther Jobberdude

John Tolos joins the commentary team and the show is immediately improved. Honestly, please replace Albano with this man. Tolos and Albano trade ugly jokes from the '50s. Albano complains about Tolos not paying attention to the wrestling; motherfucker, you spend every match just making terrible jokes and trying to put yourself over. Fuck off.

Winners = The Power Twins by possibly the Power Ending

Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

This is just very similar to their previous match. At this stage I'm trying to tune out the commentary before I'm forced to stick asparagus in my ears.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via disqualification

Herb tells us time constraints means we won't get to see the B. Brian Blair match he promised earlier? Well, then, I guess today's episode wasn't totally awful...

Thoughts:

• I still have another 2 episodes with Captain Lou Albano on "commentary".
• WCW this week featured Missy Hyatt beating up Paul Heyman, so I think I'll give that the win this week (although, that show was almost as bad as this nonsense)