UWF Fury Hour: Episode 40

UWF Fury Hour Episode 40, 26th August 1991

Bruno is excited for the women today. Craig talks about the new faces we've seen. MotherFucker we've only seen The Keeper and The Animal and they were geeks.

Frank E tries to hype the crowd. I try to hype my will to live.

Jim 'The Animal' (w/The Keeper) vs David Perry?

The Animal is a mighty big rip-off of a more famous pro-wrestler from my childhood (and before), George 'The Animal' Steele. Even right down to the soft toy being his most prized possession.

The most hilarious result of them taping the commentary live with the matches, is that Craig is promoting the hell out of Orndorff vs Orton - despite the fact that match was aired last week. AND the week before.

Winner = Jim 'The Animal' via The Keeper doing some cheating.

After struggling to find a working mic in the building, Herb asks 'The Animal' if he's "a monkey or a hippo", then laughs to himself and runs away.

Captain Lou's Corner

Today's guest is Joshua Bengorian, who is apparently the UWF Israeli Champion. Is that a UWF sanctioned title? Albano supports Bendorkian committing genocide, apparently. He's often imitated?? I suppose there a large number of geeks in this world...

Joshua Bengorian vs Mohammad 'The Butcher' (w/Abudanen??)

Is this for the UWF Israeli Championship? Bendorkavich hands out Israeli flags to the people in attendance. Yay propaganda! The Butcher eats the ropes. Holy fuck this is awful.

Winner = Joshua Bendorkian via disqualification for some reason I give zero fucks about.

And yes, apparently that match was for the UWF Israeli Championship.

If you buy (The?) Beach Brawl on VHS, you also receive a free autographed picture of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. I want the cookies instead.

The Cuban Assassin (W/Mr. Red) vs Joe Defuria?

Mr. Red gets on the mic to tell the fans they stink. Bruno and Craig mock The Assassin's physique. Bruno mocks Defuria's punching and HAHAHAHAH

Winner = The Cuban Assassin via piledriver.

Mr. Red gets back on the mic and this time I can't understand anything he says. Yay!

Now you can order a full 6 volumes of "The Best of the UWF" on VHS. If you buy them all, you will receive (The?) Beach Brawl for free. This ad is even accompanied by a Girls On Film rip-off, so it must be a good deal.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Dave Johnson?

Dave Johnson thinks he is Bob Orton and can attack Orndorff before the bell. But that does not work if you are not Bob Orton.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash.

B. Brian Blair vs Death Row 3260 (w/Gorgeous John)

Bruno is aghast at someone having the temerity to call themselves "Gorgeous". Death Row tries a leapfrog, but just ends up throwing his crotch in Blair's face.

Death Row's dropkick is... slightly better this week. Blair does a leapfrog and takes out the referee, which allows Gorgeous John to cheat. But he hits Death Row instead.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via pin after bad guys fail at cheating.

After the match, Blair beats up Gorgeous John and runs away. Craig calls this "a good win" for Blair.

Alison Royale vs Luna Vachon (w/The Black Harts)

Bruno is raving about Royale so much I can only imagine he is madly in love with her or she owes him $100. Vachon is likely the 2nd best wrestler to feature on this week's show. Royale is not.

Captain Lou Albano decides this episode hasn't been awful enough and joins the commentary team. He throws bizarre insults at Bruno and Craig, before deciding they deserve a raise. Take it up with your buddy Herb! Vachon gives the referee a shove and Bruno is upset the referee didn't punish her. "You can't do that!". Well, clearly she can!

Bahaha Fire Cat comes out for no reason but still just stands there doing nothing while The Black Harts attack Royale.

Winner = Luna Vachon via top rope splash.

Apparently, PWI thought a match at (The?) Beach Brawl was "one of the best of the year" or something.

Thoughts:

• I want to see Death Row 3260 vs Joe Derfuria OR Joshua Bendorkavic.
• This show felt at least 3 hours long.
• We got to meet the promised "new faces" tonight, and the future certainly looks bright!

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 39

UWF Fury Hour Episode 39, 19th August 1991

Could they not find any interesting footage of Florida, so have to keep reusing the New York stuff? Craig and Bruno are with Captain Lou Albano and promise us some new faces this week. Last week you promised a bunch of matches that didn't happen either, so fuck off.

We will finish the 'Mr. Wonderful'/Bob Orton match now, so "Sit back and enjoy and watch". Wait - you mother fuckers are playing the whole match again from the beginning?? Why the fuck didn't you just play a shorter match last week and then play this match in full this week?!?! IS THIS REALLY THIS HARD!?!?!?!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks Orndorff before the bell and punishes Orndorff's shoulder against the ring post, before getting in the ring to pose. It's actually the same strange edit as yesterday. Bruno berates the referee for not using a countout already, but I don't know, it's kinda good for a change. Orndorff tries to get in the ring, but Orton just stomps him. Eventually, he just hulks up and does some stomping of his own, so Orton rakes the eyes. 

Why am I recapping this like I think I'm some sort of pro-wrestling recapper?

Bruno wants them to stop brawling and give us a proper wrestling match. Orton is doing a boring armbar, so I would think this would be to his liking? They take it back outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is unhappy and again calls for a countout. Clearly he's on Dr. Herb's payroll. Craig seems more concerned with Orndorff's hair. Craig says he went to 'Mr. Wonderful's house to read his dictionary - sounds like a real party! 

Double Disqualification

What a surprise! They continue to brawl outside the ring, including Orndorff hitting Orton with a video tape, before beating up the referee as well. They get in the ring to continue the fight, but then Orton is all like 'Nah I'm going to get a hot dog'.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is backstage with The Keeper and The Animal. They are here and they are new - no shit. They're also fucking stupid. No shit, LOGMAN! The Animal has a soft toy. The Keeper says he stole The Animal from The Bronx Zoo. Albano just goes on a rant about how crazy The Animal is and looks, when he really just looks like a dork. Like seriously, what the fuck do cheek bones have to do with making someone look dangerous??

The UWF have ratings! Bob Backlund is "rated" #5 after wrestling a total of... 1 matches in The UWF.

Today we have a new segment! It's called 'To The Point' and it's basically The View with old men.
Herb has actually shaved, so you know he's being sincere! Despite the opening graphic calling it To The Point, Herb says it's called In This Corner. Albano wants Bruno's opinion on today's pro-wrestling. Oh, they're going to talk about Vince McMahon on trial for being a steroid fiend. Bruno is disappointed that it makes the whole pro-wrestling industry look bad, but he's hoping it forces the government to take action and clean things up. Spoiler: never going to happen. Albano says today's wrestlers need to be more like Bruno (NO SHIT) and have a good mind and good ethics and not take steroids. Herb wants to get the message out to all the young people that they should stay away from steroids - maybe just stick to fun drugs like coke? Bruno totally buries Hulk Hogan for his testimony and pretending he's never taken steroids. Herb admits they don't do drug testing in the UWF, but somehow turns this around into a promo for 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Albano tries to call Bruno a hypocrite, because there was showmanship in pro-wrestling during the 50's and 60's, but Bruno is like 'Dude, I didn't like it back then - but at least we were wrestlers!'. Then this just further descends into 'old men reminiscing about the old days' and Albano tells Herb he's doing a great job BAHAHAHAH Herb tries to reply but is cut off by going to commercial.

Wait - that was out main event? Or was it all the commercials?

Thoughts:

• Shots fired!
• Orndorff/Orton was not as good as their last match.
• There was only one match tonight. It wasn't very good but it at least it was complete for once.
• Donahue for the main event? What even is this??

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 38

UWF Fury Hour Episode 38, 12th August 1991

We have finally moved on from The Beach Brawl highlights! Although I sure will miss those office interviews... So after the disastrous spectacle that was the UWF's first and only PPV, where do they go from here? Who will step up to challenge the new UWF Sportschannel TV Champion?

There's footage of New York throughout the opening... yet Craig tells us we're in Florida? Looks like even these guys lost their budget.

Captain Lou Albano is backstage with The Fire Cat who has... uh... 
He says everyone else is bigger than him and Albano buries him as being "average-sized". They both try to imitate meowing and hissing.

We're back in an underground cave but now the ring mat is orange.

The Fire Cat vs Death Row 3260 (w/Some Little Dude)

Death Row 3260 is a man who went to prison for a crime he didn't commit and he's now out for revenge against society. Okay. Death Row 3260 is the new most useless wrestler I've seen yet.

Winner = The Fire Cat via roll up

Death Row 3260 is so garbage he couldn't even roll through on to both of his shoulders - he was clearly on his side, but I guess that's the best he could do.

Btw we no longer have any on-screen graphics - not just for jobbers but for anyone at all.

Captain Lou's Corner
This week Albano is in the ring and Herb joins him to interview Mr. Red. At Beach Brawl, Mr. Red was embarrassed in front of thousands of people. There was like 20 people in attendance and possibly less watched it on PPV. Mr. Red is now the "owner" of the Captain's Corner segment. What the fuck does that even mean? Albano beats him up until some bad guys come out. Herb hilariously fails to escape the ring but they still don't do anything to him. Mr. Red lays dead in the ring while people tend to him - this is generally how you would deal with a good guy being sneak attacked. UWF booking at it's finest!

I can't even begin to describe how hilariously terrible this voice over is. Also, no fucking way this show happens.

Frank E is backstage with Luna Vachon & The Black Harts - not Joan Jett & the Blackhearts. She's says they will be tag team champions and "God is an astronaut". 

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Joe and Dave

Luna screams a lot. Craig asks Bruno if he's seen The Phantom of the Opera and then seems confused that Bruno says yes. You're surprised he's a cultured man? Were you trying to trap him into showing he didn't get cultural references? Albano joins them on commentary and Bruno tries to shut him down - Bruno is my hero! The Black Harts hit their finisher but then throw the dude out of the ring to beat him up some more? A Black Hart hits a kick and Craig calls it a "Russian leg-sweep". Mother. Fucker. 

Winners = The Black Harts via another double team move

I've given up believing Craig about which double-team move is actually the vegematic, because he can't even call a fucking KICK correctly.

I really want some 'Dr. Death' cookies - Piña Colada sounds good! Bruno's were supposed to be next but I think somehow production didn't make it that far.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks before the bell - doesn't he always do that to Orndorff? Someone in the crowd yells "kick his wonderful ass!". Orndorff kinda 'hulks up' and beats up Orton. Do you think they talked earlier about wearing matching colours today?

They fight outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is like 'Why is the ref not counting them out? Or disqualifying Orton?' because if this was episode 2, this match would have been thrown out about 10 minutes ago. Craig tries to tell us he went to Orndorff's house to read his dictionary and the word "submission" had been removed. Pretty sure Orndorff has used submissions before. And Craig's never been to his house. Bruno says getting your arm broken instead of quitting is stupid hahaha. Things start getting crazy and... stupid voice over informs us the match is too long to be shown this week.

Classic.

Winner = The UWF Fury Hour Editor for making this show look stupid every week.

Thoughts:

• I... just... I don't know
• Nine more episodes to go...

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 37

UWF Fury Hour Episode 37, 15th July 1991

Tonight is highlights of the illustrious career of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Well... at least his UWF career. Wow. Can't wait...

First he started a feud with 'Mr.' Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, which involved many attacks from behind. He beat 'Mr. Wonderful' with a chair and "I don't go behind the back, that's why I tell everybody... watch your back". I laughed again.

Now it's time for highlights of their lumberjack match - including the entrances of the lumberjacks. Are we really that desperate for content? I find it hard to have an interest in reviewing this match again, because it was pure nonsense.

Now it's time for the steel cage match! Herb calls it the place "no man wants to go". Except Orndorff straight up asked for it, didn't he?

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Fuck it, I'll bite. Orndorff tries to escape early - which makes no sense, since he asked for the steel cage because he wanted to get revenge. Even Bruno expresses how much nonsense that is. 

ZOMG THE UWF OATMEAL COOKIES. I very much want a pack now. I would eat them while listening to this Jeep Wrangler song.

I get the feeling escaping the cage was the ONLY way to win this match, which is incredibly poor booking. Orndorff goes to walk out the cage door and Terry Gordy slams it on his head.

Winner = double-disqualification nonsense

Gordy gets in the cage and helps Williams beat on Orndorff. Cactus Jack waits outside to stop anyone getting in to help, so Don Muraco comes out and beats him up. Muraco gets in the cage and the bad guys beat him up to.

This led to: Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy - which never happened - and Mr Wonderful vs... Colonel DeBeers? Again, awesome booking.

Also double-disqualification in a Steel Cage match is the most bullshit ever, right up there with double-countout in a fucking Street Fight.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death'.

'Dr. Death' says... something?

Now we are treated to Bigelow's Beach Brawl promo: he has been "studying hard!" He has "ability, do-bility and ho-bility..." "Mo' money, mo' happy!" and other various hilarities.

Craig says 'Dr. Death' had to "get through the toughest matches of the tournament". It was the ONLY match of the tournament.

'Dr. Death' talks about secrecy in his training camp, "but there'll be no surprises for Bam Bam!". I thought that was the point of secrecy? Brian asks him what his motivation for this match is - winning the title isn't enough for you, Brian?? Williams complains about people stabbing him in the back. MOTHERFUCKER you did that to Orndorff every week from day one. Then he threatens Bigelow with an arm-drag. Ooooh no! I'm surprised Bigelow didn't just forfeit right now.

The Making of a Champion

Frank Sinatra sings us My Way over the top of more highlights of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams - including promos WITH NO SOUND. Again, 'Dr. Death's UWF highlights mainly involve him beating 'Mr. Wonderful' with chairs. What - no footage of him squashing Davey Meltzer the one time he was actually a good guy?

Oh, wait - that highlights package was our main event.

Thoughts:

• It may surprise you to know that 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams was actually related to Herb Abrams.
• I was going to bury this episode as a complete waste of time, but that end video package was hilarious; Sinatra crooning while a big hairy dude beats people with chairs? The whole shit was bizarrely surreal and had me laughing out loud.
• This week in WCW: Great American Bash 1991 - also a waste of time that featured some entertaining moments. But at least Ric Flair is gone for the next 18 months, so that's a bonus.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 36

UWF Fury Hour Episode 36, 8th July 1991

Tradition and fundamentals is totally what UWF is all about! I guess this boring and ill-informed opening video package means it's time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! And maybe more office interviews?

Today Craig sends us to the trailer for the latest Jean-Claude Van Damme movie: Double Impact. Hard to believe I've not seen it! But then again, there are a lot of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies I've never seen. I once planned to bLog a 'June-Claude Van Damme', where I watched 30 Jean-Claude Van Damme movies each day in June (get it?). It might be something to revisit...

Tonight we will relive the last 2 matches from Beach Brawl, plus a Killer Bees Mask Confusion match I may have seen before? What are they doing for the next couple of weeks??

Recap of the feud between Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Which was actually a feud between Colonel DeBeers and a black referee and 'Iceman' King Parsons and Billy Jack Haynes. Not once does 'Mr. Wonderful' make an appearance in those "highlights".

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
At least DeBeers comes out to Shout at the Devil. Maybe that album is the only CD Herb Abrams owns? I just realised they've never actually explained the rules of a strap match. Bruno even seems unsure of what the rules are.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

I don't recall my review during the PPV, but this match was not bad. However, the ending with the taser is fucking stupid. Craig's explanation of the "stun gun" is also fucking stupid. Orndorff convulses in the ring, so Bruno is very troubled.

Orndorff is in the office!

He feels there is no place for racism in pro-wrestling. I like that he pretends that he was the only person DeBeers was feuding with, like Billy Jack Haynes was never here. Craig tries to tell Orndorff that DeBeers embarrassed him by using the taser and Orndorff is like nope I was not embarassed - I won the match. Apparently DeBeers took a flag that was given to Orndorff by a little boy and Orndorff wants it back? Orndorff also owns a bowling centre where celebrities come to bowl and not drink alcohol because he refuses to sell it. He also admits he is not good at bowling. Crazy. 

Now we're back at the office with "the despicable one", Colonel DeBeers.

Brian makes fun of him for choosing the match stipulation and then losing the match. DeBeers references the Rodney King beatings, I'm guessing. He complains Craig and Brian aren't in uniform? What? DeBeers can't spell his own name thinks. He mentions Mr. Black, who only appeared once and was then fired. Apparently he did everything for DeBeers but how can anyone confirm that? I only ever saw him standing with DeBeers once and doing nothing else. Didn't even get him a glass of water or anything. He says that America is second-class compared to South Africa, and yet he's "adopted" a flawless American accent... "South Africa doesn't have slaves, just cheap labour". He says Orndorff has HIV, so he didn't want to make him bleed. Jeebus this guy... is just... not good.

Oh wow now we get a replay of the Captain's Corner segment at The Beach Brawl where Captain Lou Albano just buried The Blackharts and then walked out of the ring. Very worthwhile.

The Killer Bees Mask Confusion vs Cash Jackson & Hog Calhoun

Still not the Beach Brawl main event? I guess that's how they can make this Beach Brawl recap last another week...
I reviewed this match before. It may have been worse than I remembered.

Winners = The Killer Bees via dropkick

Dan Spivey is coming back to the UWF? Hopefully you've still got some t-shirts in stock!

Thoughts:

• Shit went downhill fast after the Orndorff/DeBeers match.
• DeBeers with his racist nonsense is one thing. To say Orndorff has the aids is just another level.
• WCW this week; Ric Flair just got stripped of the belt and PN News continues to rap out of time and shout Yo Baby Yo. The clear winner.
• There are still 10 episodes left and I can't possibly imagine how this company is actually able to continue after this week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 35

UWF Fury Hour Episode 35, 1st July 1991

UWF is like the past except people make explosion noises when they are slammed. WELCOME TO THE BEACH BRAWL!

It's the same intro from Craig and Bruno, except this time when Craig sends us to the show we get... an ad for AT&T.

Boris Zhukov (w/Mr. Red) vs Paul Samson
The ring announcer tells us "his oppponent weighs his opponent"? There is absolutely ZERO crowd response. Mr. Red calls both wrestlers professionals bahahaha. Anyone watching this match would argue differently - Samson can't even keep hold of an arm. And Zhukov runs the ropes like the ring is full of custard and he's trying not to splash any on his tights.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via clotheslines to the back of the head

That was just bad.

Craig and Brian are back in the office for a performance review with Mr. Red and Boris Zhukov.

Mr. Red just shouts at them, demanding they have to pay if they want to ask questions, but then decides they just need to use manners instead. I'll take money over manners, thanks. Mr. Red explains that he is such a staunch supporter of Russia because everyone in his hometown are wimps. Craig asks to wear Zhukov's hat, but then immediately takes it off and complains about it. Rude. Then he and Brian make fun of Zhukov's pay at The Beach Brawl. 

There was an advertisement for a wrestling show that featured a tag-team and their manager that I didn't recognise, so I thought maybe the UWF had some new exciting people coming in! Turns out it was an advertisement for a totally different wrestling promotion and TV show. 

The UWF have changed the date for their next tapings. Between that and the network advertising a different wrestling show, I'd say the future is looking good for the UWF!

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I'd review again, but fuck that.

No winners because of total bullshit IN A STREET FIGHT

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff
Quick and painless.

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup pin with bridge or whatever

After the match, Captain Lou Albano beats up Mr. Red and steals his pants because Albano is a dirty old man and also can't afford his own pants.

So, like, we've now had almost every match except the main event. How is that going to be stretched out for another 3 weeks??

The Generic Offices of Brian and Craig interview Mr. Red. Again?

Fuck you! Mr. Red is angry. So am I - I have to listen to Mr. Red some more! What the fuck? They keep saying Boris Zhukov lost at The Beach Brawl - we just saw the match 10 minutes ago and he fucking won! Mr. Red threatens to bring in more Russians until the UWF is just full of Russians. Then why don't you just go join a wrestling federation in Russia?? Red wants to take over Captain's Corner - would that make it the Mr.'s Corner? Brian says stealing his pants was Albano "just doing his job" - his job is stealing pants?? Mr. Red tells them to look in his eyes and Brian is like "not too close". Brian is actually fucking great. The fun part is Mr. Red's hillbilly accent makes his name sound like Mr. Ed, so it sounds like he's talking about the talking horse... who would actually be a great addition to the UWF roster.

Oh shit I had forgotten about when toothpaste came in a 'pump' like it was some amazing technological advancement.

Next week is more from The Beach Brawl. Just give me more office interviews and I'm a happy man.

Thoughts:

• This was bad.
• Really bad.
• WCW had P.N. News and his hilariously bad attempts at rapping, plus The Desperadoes looking for Stan Hansen. This show had Mr. Red, followed by the worst matches from The Beach Brawl, sandwiched with more Mr. Red.