UWF Blackjack Brawl

23 September 1994
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA

The UWF is back, baby!

It's a year later and what do we have here? Well, this time it is actually the very final UWF event! This was a live television special - not another PPV disaster, sadly. But since it's been 14 months since the glory of Rampage '93, let's see who is still following Herb to the depths of UWF awesomeness.

Wait - we're back on SportsChannel?? Did these people not learn anything from airing 47 episodes of The Fury Hour??

And we now join the show... IN PROGRESS.

Carlo and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are on the call. I have no idea who is wrestling, though. Ummm... is that maybe Dan fucking Spivey??

UWF Americas Championship?
Johnny Ace (w/Missy Hyatt) vs 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey
Pretty sure Herb still has some of his t-shirts in stock, so why the fuck not, eh? Tolos thinks these dudes have speed, but I'm yet to see anything other than slowness.

Winner = 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey via Missy Hyatt throwing in the towel for Johnny Ace.

New Champion?

Herb gets in the ring to interview Spivey, but Spivey just attacks him. Herb calls in Blackjack Mulligan to save him. Then calls Spivey a chicken. Whatintheactualfuck is going on here???

Tolos goes on some kind of anti-women rant. Whoa-boy we're really off to the races here...

UWF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Mondo Guerrero vs 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong (w/Some Tall Dude)

Where did all these UWF championships come from? Our ring announcer tonight is Las Vegas "comic" Steve Rossi. Armstrong comes out to Van Halen's Right Now; it's a great song, but one hell of a weird entrance song for a bad guy. Tolos is certain Armstrong is "out of breath" after the first exchange - running 5 marathons is nothing compared to pro-wrestling? Carlo is confused and thinks this is the first match of the show. I'm confused because there is a big tall dude in Armstrong's corner and not once have the commentators mentioned his name or even acknowledged his presence.

Seriously - even when Armstrong actually hit him. Was he not supposed to be there or something? It's like he doesn't exist. Maybe he doesn't exist and I am hallucinating?? Too much UWF having a negative impact on my brain? Mondo is winning the entire match until Armstrong hits him with one elbow and kills him.

Winner = Jack Armstrong via elbow.

New Champion!

Herb must be on in-ring post-match interview duty tonight. He is not happy Armstrong won, but laughs at him for getting a cut on his head. Steve Rossi tries to get the crowd to cheer for Armstrong or something, but Herb gives him a nudge to shut-up.

Sunny Beach is partying with people in Las Vegas and looking fat.

Sunny Beach vs Dr. Feelgood (w/Missy Hyatt)
Sunny Beach is billed as "from California". Lies. He is also entering the ring to a James Brown song, which is absolutely not surfing music. How is Dr. Feelgood not coming out to Dr. Feelgood by Mötley Crüe? Oh shit - this dude is actually Mr. Outrageous! Seems he's traded his skateboard for a medical kit.

Tolos: "Sunny Beach is from California, and that can only mean one thing: Surfer!" Such professional insight. Missy Hyatt looks like Anna-Nicole Smith circa 1998.

She hits Sunny Beach with her shoe. Beach recovers and hits a variety of suplexes and honestly, it seems he has actually improved! Carlo wonders why Dr. Feelgood isn't "socialising with Missy". Motherfucker he's in the middle of a wrestling match - he can mack on Missy after he wins! Dr. Feelgood grabs a rag full of chloroform and tries to use it on Sunny Beach, but he reverses it.

Winner = Sunny Beach via pin with chloroform rag.

Missy is pissed and Sunny Beach grabs her - looks like he's planning on either kissing her or knocking her out, too. Either way, that shit is assault and unbecoming of a hero. Thankfully, Dr. Feelgood recovers and saves her from this predator.

Herb and Blackjack Mulligan are back in the ring for more spiteful interviews. Herb tells Missy she's "disgusting" - the fucking nerve of this guy... Like a total pro, Missy tries to subtly position Dr. Feelgood so he's actually facing the camera, but then Herb cuts off the interview.

UWF Southern States Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs Finland 'Hellraiser' Thor
Orton is still the champ? And it's no longer the UWF WWF Replica Intercontinental Championship? Steve Rossi continues his fantastic job as ring announcer by calling this "All Star Wrestling". He's terrible. Just fucking terrible. BUT THE VIKING HAS RETURNED and now he's called Finland because he comes from Finland?

That's dumb. Just keep calling him THE VIKING and let him walk around with his plastic hammer! Tolos thinks Orton "looks like a midget compared to Thor". I mean, he looks thinner and older, sure. But the motherfucker is only maybe 1 or 2 inches shorter.

THE VIKING Thor manhandles Orton and it's cool - like I said, Orton isn't exactly a small dude himself. Carlo thinks THE VIKING Thor has too many tattoos. He has, like, two. Imagine if Carlo had been around when Bam Bam Bigelow was here? Carlo thinks one of the tattoos is of Herb! Bahahaha! Thor is still having fun throwing Orton around and he somehow ends up on Herb - my man is really not having a good night.

Then they just get in a crazy brawl and it's barrels of fun.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Blackjack Mulligan is in the ring with Orton. He barely gets 20 seconds to talk before being cut-off.

Up next: THE UWF MIDGET WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

UWF Midget World Championship
The Karate Kid vs Little Tokyo

Holy fuck I'm dying here! Rossi tries to make jokes, but... he's no Steve Allen, that's for damned sure! Little Tokyo is looking pretty old. Pretty real old. Tolos thinks he could train Carlo to be a midget wrestler. Little Tokyo runs the ropes on his own while The Karate Kid hides behind the referee. Carlo is pining for Missy Hyatt, so Tolos is hoping we get a "Midget Missy Hyatt" to help cure his loneliness. Little Tokyo tries to poke the referee in the eye, but dude you're only 4'4" and barely come up to the referee's hips.

Winner = Little Tokyo via push?

New Champion! Why do I keep posting that? Almost all of these title are currently vacant!

It's time for miserable and drugged up Herb to interview our winner - which is going to be terrible. He claims to know some Japanese, which consists of "sake" and "kanpai".

'Malicious' Sid Vicious cuts a promo and we can't hear a darn word he says until he starts screaming. He says something about 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams not having the credentials to fight him. Ummm... 'Dr. Death' is the UWF BBWSportsBra Champion - no wait, wasn't he stripped of that a couple of years ago?

This show might be on more drugs than Herb.

UWF Women's Championship
Tina Moretti vs Candy Devine
Rossi calls Candi Devine "Candi Devian" and Carlo tries desperately to cover for him. Herb demands a kiss from Moretti. Yuck. I'd hope she got hazard pay for that, but something tells me no one's getting paid after this show.
Tolos: "All my friends love The Golden Greek!"
Well, yeah you'd hope your friends like you, or they wouldn't really be friends now, would they...

Winner = Candy Devine Devian via top-rope slam or something.

New Champion!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and a giant cardboard version of himself says he's fought off a lot of challengers for the UWF title. I don't recall you defending it once - Orton has defended that UWF Southern States Championship a lot more.

UWF World Tag-Team Championship
The Killer Bees vs The New Powers of Pain (The Warlord & Power Warrior)
Finally, some tag-team titles! A great idea to do this ON YOUR LAST SHOW EVER! Power Warrior is one of The Power Twins! Yay! I'd prefer just The Power Twins, to be honest. Carlo mentions that the Bees are almost as old as Tolos and like that's not the best way to hype people about your top guys. Brunzell works on Power Warrior's leg and he shouts out "Leave my leg alone!". Power Twins were ahead of their time. This match is getting Tolos so excited, he announces he will return to wrestling and wrestle... Carlos. Bhahaha. Warlord goes to clothesline Brunzell, but he clumsily gets out of the way and the referee gets clumsily knocked out of the ring.

OOOH the other Power Twin runs out and swaps with Power Warrior! They're finally getting revenge on The Killer Bees for the skullduggery they pulled at (The?) Beach Brawl! DR. HERB WITH THE LONG-TERM STORYTELLING WIN!!! Tolos finally clicks that these guys are the Power Twins - a tag-team that he fucking managed for months.

Winners = The Killer Bees via The Warlord clotheslining his own partner like a fucking goof.

New Champions!

What a total clusterfuck. The crack production crew couldn't even catch any of the action towards the ending. The Power Twins were robbed.

Oh fuck me, Jimmy 'Superfly Murderer' Snuka is in Las Vegas to fight Cactus Jack. And maybe murder a young woman? He loves the people. And murdering?

Lumberjack Match
Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka vs Cactus Jack
Herb is really excited to see Cactus Jack before the match. Man, he's seriously on his shit tonight. Some girl comes over and gets a photo with The Power Twins because she has good taste and did one of them just grab her butt?

There are a lot of dudes out here to be lumberjacks that I've not seen before or at least aren't wrestling on this show - like 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. This match is a mess. At one point, the lumberjacks try to get Cactus Jack back into the ring and he tries to take a table with him. Herb joins the commentary team and Cactus Jack throws Snuka at him, which leads to madness.

Herb calls Cactus Jack "one of the greatest high-flyers" BAHAHAHA. Cactus Jack throws Snuka out of the ring again and it is like a mosh pit with the way everyone is just shoving each other.

Herb can be heard screaming to ring the bell.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Snuka and Cactus Jack start fighting up in the stands and Carlo is all like "They didn't even pay for those seats!". No one did - that's why they're empty.

Rossi tries to tell us these guys are the best and Herb is like 'fuck that GO TO COMMERCIAL'.

Herb has taken it upon himself to announce the main event - I think maybe he booted Rossi for being too boring. Herb is genuinely fucked up.

UWF World Heavyweight Championship
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams (c) vs 'Malicious' Sid Vicious
This must be a different UWF championship and belt? How and when did 'Dr. Death' win it?? Carlo manages to spell "U.W.F." correctly - he's now proven he is too smart to work here anymore. He then threatens us with a Blackjack Brawl II & III and I feel like it was clear within 2 minutes of this show there would never be another Blackjack Brawl. Or UWF show. Something has broken in the ring - the mat is all warped and is moving as the wrestlers move around the ring.

I can't imagine a more fitting thing to happen in the UWF's final match. 'Dr. Death' gets the pin and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey hits the ring to help move some more t-shirts.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via disqualification? Pretty sure he had the 3 count before Spivey even did anything, but whatever.

Spivey beats up 'Dr. Death' who just totally no-sells it for a while and continues beating up on Vicious, but eventually the bad guys double-team him and give him the old Skyscrapers double-powerbomb move from when they were a tag-team in WCW back in the 80's. Johnny Fucking Ace comes out with a chair to make the save and chase the bad guys away.
Carlo: "'Dr. Death' has been such a great champion for the UWF". Perhaps I didn't cover this: he won the title and then was NEVER seen again until now. Two years later. 

Herb and his failure-induced/cocaine-fueled rage wants 'Dr. Death' vs Sid Vicious to fight again in a steel cage match. 'Dr. Death' says yes: "You haven't seen the last of the Doctor!" No shit - you just accepted a steel cage match.

Herb goes ballistic at Vicious and Spivey. Blackjack Mulligan also berates the bad guys and they're just like 'Uh, old man, you were once a really bad pro-wrestler that cheated all the time as well'. Herb says Williams still has the belt - except Herb is the one actually holding it up as he says this, because 'Dr. Death' has been sent to the hospital?

Rossi is just laughing at everyone yelling over each other. Herb's microphone gets cut-off, so we cut to Carlo and Tolos to get their final thoughts.
Tolos: "This is what the UWF stands for!". I can't argue with that. He then tries to tell me this is the greatest feud going in pro-wrestling today, and I'm like in 2022 you might be right.

Herb must have found a working microphone, so it's back to him and Blackjack Mulligan. Herb is ranting like an absolute fucking lunatic - his voice is hoarse from all the screaming. "WATCH THE UNIVERSAL WRESTLING FEDERATION! IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD!"

MJ's Why You Wanna Trip on Me? sends us out.

Thoughts:

• Buckle in, kids...
• This show was a complete train wreck. A clusterfuck of epic proportions. I loved it.
• The show started IN PROGRESS but the commentators never once tried to get us up to speed on what we missed - or what we were watching.
• Herb was clearly under the influence and got progressively worse as the night wore on. 
• Steve Rossi was a terrible idea.
• The wrestling was actually pretty good! But 98% of the finishes were classic UWF WTF finishes.
• Carlo and John Tolos do make for a good commentary duo. Tolos, however, does get caught with some... less than good comments at times.
• I'm not sure where all these championships suddenly came from, but they would have been more beneficial maybe 2 years earlier before the whole company went out of business forever.
• The main event was a total dud.
• Again, this show really was a colossal train wreck on every conceivable level. I had a great time!
• And so ends my journey watching the UWF. I'm not sure how it happened, but it took me a whole year to move on the 2nd episode, then I watched everything else within the following 2 months. Then it took me another 4 months to finish all these bLog posts - just in time for another weekend of WrestleMania watching...
• Can I just watch some more UWF instead??

UWF Rampage '93

24 July 1993
All Seasons Arena
Minot, North Dakota - USA

The UWF is back, baby!

From what I gather from the world of the interwebs, this was a show taped for television, but never aired. Considering how bad some of the stuff is that previously DID air, I am excited at the prospect of this one...

We open with some local sports show promoting UWF Rampage, including footage of the press conference where Herb claims he is bringing respectability back to pro wrestling! There is some "hotly anticipated grudge match 7 years in the making"... between 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and some nobody.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with some schmo on commentary and immediately tells us there are "a lot of dykes" in this town. Repeatedly. Yeeeesh. This other commentator is Carlo and he is the new UWF Commissioner.

"This is the UWF! The wrestling federation for the real wrestling fans!"

Randy 'Gusto' Gus vs Mr. Outrageous
HOLY SHIT HERB LISTENED TO MY BOOKING ADVICE and Mr. Outrageous comes out with a skateboard!

However, his entrance music is Surfin' USA, which makes ZERO fucking sense. But then, it is the UWF, so it makes all the sense. Carlo thinks Gus is scared to meet with Mr. Outrageous - good lord, this guy is clearly going to be great! He thinks getting the crowd to support him "must be a strategy he's had for a while".
Tolos: "This is where you make your name - the UWF!" I mean, sure a bunch of wrestlers that already had names went and got jobs at better places. The referee gets knocked down, so Mr. Outrageous hits Gus with his skateboard.

Winner = Mr. Outrageous via skateboard attack.

He immediately puts his sunglasses back on. This show is off to a very UWF kind of start.

Tolos: "The woods are filled with nice guys." WTF??? They try for a replay, but that's too much to ask of this technical team.

Herb is back to interviewing wrestlers after the matches. He calls Mr. Outrageous a fraud. Mr. Outrageous wants to fight 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. No! Go after Sunny Beach! Herb insults him some more and then is all "Don't come near me or I'll get Steve Ray... and he'll kick your ass!". Fucking coward. Then he asks the crowd to cheer for Mr. Outrageous??

The Killer Bees are backstage posing for photos or something. It sounds like Herb is coaching them on shooting a promo. B. Brian Blair kicks things off with some buzzing and Jim Brunzell almost starts laughing. They are here to beat up The Black Harts and make lots of money. Pretty sure only one of those things is possible in this company. They decide to try a different take - Blair wants to practice buzzing some more. This one starts out somewhat better, but Brunzell gets on some trip about them being homeless? THIRD TIME - no, wait, let's go for a FOURTH attempt. Brunzell looks totally over it now, but he makes some jokes about drugs so LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. Oh wait - now they're trying some sort of anti-drug promo? Some rude bitch starts yelling and totally ruins this take. Be a leader and just say "No"!

Now we're back at the UWF Press Conference? It's actually just Herb, Carlo and some other random dude. Hey wait - 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is the Southern States Champion again? Herb is unhappy about Carlo being appointed the UWF Commissioner - then why did you hire him? How do you have a "Board of Directors" if you are "the sole stock-holder"? It is heavily implied that Carlo is representing some type of mafia family, but Herb hates him and says in a few weeks he'll be out of a job. Haha you all will be! 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray joins the festivities. He says that the UWF is different from the WWF and WCW because there is a lot less entertainment BAHAHAHAHA. He calls the random dude a "fat slob" and decides to interview him. Fatty is a former musician? Cool story. Aren't we all? He brags about being able to yell loudly. Seriously. Herb points out that 'Wild Thing' and Bob Orton are on the cover of videos, and The Warlord is not. Fat Crab Man says not even Herb can beat The Warlord and some dude in the crowd bursts out laughing. Fat Crab Man is now angry, so knocks over the table and storms out. 'Wild Thing' threatens to leave the UWF if Carlo stays. Yeah, that's a pretty easy choice for me...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray is drunk and checking out the people in town or something. He calls them "in-breeders". He is trying to promote and advertise the UWF "the best he can" by shouting abuse and mocking them?? He then says staring at a woman's butt is more important. He challenges some little kids to a fight or something. He says he is fighting Mr. Outrageous tonight, but he also claims he has like three championships or something, so... you know, he's drunk.

This is like Herb's home video of making the show or something.

The Fat Crab Man is getting ready backstage or something. His name is "Zoots Rift". I now know this because he says "What's my name? Zoots Rift!" about 50 times. He is also "the manager of champions". He is destined to rule the universe with his golden crab.

"Todd from Minnesota" starts a promo... but then Herb is just like 'Kid... stop!'. Then Herb kicks a lot of people out of the room and gets super grumpy. He's trying to coach this kid like he's some sort of promo expert and I really wish I could hear it all. 

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and his flowing locks are back! He has issues with Mr. Outrageous and wants to fight him for the UWF Championship or something. He cuts another promo with a silly voice. He challenges 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and believes their experience is now equal. In his next take, he thinks he is in the World Wrestling Federation. BAHAHAHA this dude.

Herb Introduces 'Cowboy' Bob Orton as the UWF Intercontinental Champion. Huh? Orton thinks he is bigger than The Warlord. One look at pictures shows he has been misinformed.

Tolos describes The Warlord as being 6'5" and 320 pounds and then states he's the biggest guy in the world. That's bigger than Orton, but there are definitely people bigger than that.

Carlo: "We've had some exciting action so far.". I've only seen one match, you bastards. And lots of 'Wild Thing' and Fat Crab Man. Tolos randomly decides to tell us he hates referees.

The Killer Bees vs The New Mysterious Black Harts
Carlo: "Tell me, what is a Black Hart, John?"
Tolos: "Let me tell you, a Black Hart... has got a black heart!"
Tolos says The Bees are not his kind of guys and starts calling The Black Harts "motorcycle guys". Then declares them his type of guys. At least the man is consistent. Carlo doesn't know their names, so Tolos tells him they are "Mr. & Mrs. Black Hart to you!". I'm confused; at the press conference, Carlo was being painted as a cartoon mafia villain, yet he's been nothing but the good guy on commentary. We finally get some heat on the Bees and Tolos is VERY happy! But then they get the hot tag and Tolos thinks the match should be stopped immediately.

Winners = The Killer Bees via dropkick elbow combo

Carlo calls that result an upset. I admire his naivety.

Herb is talking to The Killer Bees and holy shit he looks awful. B. Brian Blair wants to fight The Steiner Brothers? Jim Brunzell thinks they should be ranked #1 in the world, but Vince McMahon is holding them down or something.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton is backstage with what appears to be a replica WWF Intercontinental Championship belt.

Apparently he defeated 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff for this title - did the WWF know about this? He's pissed that he has to fight against The Warlord because the guy eats a lot.
TAKE 2: Orton thinks Zoots Rift is an "exotic oriental". 

What?

Oh fuck! Here comes Zoots Rifts for a rebuttal! He says he isn't here for the respect of women or children. The Warlord is "the man of the 21st Century.". Imagine how old and bald he'll be in another 7 years...

TAKE 2: The Warlord "is water - not sand!". "The most liquid wrestler in the world!"???

Jeebus it's time for more 'Wild Thing Killing the Town' action. This time, he's at some carnival ride or something - somewhere that attracts more people than the UWF, anyway.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton is back to ramble some more. He hopes that tonight the best man wins.
TAKE 2: "Kids - stay in school and stay away from drugs!"

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Mr. Outrageous
Mr. Outrageous comes out in a bathrobe and Carlo is like "Wow, that is a spectacular robe!".

The crowd love 'Wild Thing' - at least 80% of the 90 people in attendance are cheering for him! Tolos thinks 'Wild Thing' smells like a rose, but I'd wager he actually smells like beer. 'Wild Thing' tries to ride the skateboard and fails, but Carlo is like "Wow I couldn't do that!". I really like this guy.

'Wild Thing' and Mr. Outrageous take turns hitting each other with the skateboard, because nobody can ride it. That's unfair - perhaps the referee can?
Tolos: "Never pick your nose going over a bumpy road. That's Greek philosophy."
'Wild Thing' gets a microphone in Mr. Outrageous' face for... no reason? Didn't even ask him to sing a song or anything.

He goes for a splash, but Mr. Outrageous fucks up getting out of the way.

Then they both fuck up a sunset flip.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via cheating pin.

Backstage Promo School
The Warlord and Zoots Rift say that Orton is crazy because he thinks he is a cowboy and cowboys are stupid. The Warlord is sick of thinking about cowboys, so he makes sure to say "cowboy" a few more times. Zoots Rift eats a cowboy hat and Warlord says "shit" and throws the microphone.

BAHAHAHA.
TAKE 2: Zoots Rift is worried The Warlord won't stop after beating Orton. The Warlord wants to fight 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams next. "It's going to be a battle, but not just a battle."

UWF Intercontinental Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs The Warlord (w/Zoots Rift 'The Liquid Malamo'??)
Earlier in the show, John Tolos said The Warlord was 320 pounds. In his own promos, The Warlord said he was 310 pounds. He was just introduced by the ring announcer as weighing 360 pounds. Tolos follows this by saying he weighs 310 pounds. Someone please find a working scale. The Warlord picks up Orton and places him on the top turnbuckle, which leads to Orton going to the apron on the outside and declaring himself the winner. Okay. Oh man, this match is so slow and they're both acting like the bad guys, so the crowd give zero farts about anything. Orton is busted open somehow. The referee is down. The Warlord gets Orton in the dreaded Full Nelson and Orton goes out. Someone rings the bell... but the referee is still out.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification.

The crowd are... indifferent. Orton is dead. Some kid tells The Warlord to beat him up again. The referee tries to explain his decision, but it makes no sense: he says he counted out The Warlord, but then also says it is a disqualification.

The Warlord complains to Herb that this is bogus and I guess he's not wrong. Herb can't even pronounce the name of the title he has been promoting and wishes The Warlord all the best for his future.

Thoughts:

• That was mostly totally hilarious fun.
• The most interesting facet of the backstage footage/outtakes was seeing how much this crew did not enjoy working this town.
• Mr. Outrageous is awesome. May his feud with 'Wild Thing' last forever.
• Mr. Outrageous needs an equally awesome partner to feud with Wet N' Wild.
• Did Herb get in some sort of trouble that required him to make so much anti-drug material?
• Also, how much was he trying to piss of the WWF with that belt??