Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Afro Ninja: Destiny (2009)

THE MOVIE
We open with a dude getting himself ready in the morning and musing to his best friend that he is getting fat. It's Halloween and our man here, Reggie, is excited to be going to work at the post office dressed up as my main man Jim Kelly! And you can tell how excited he is by the amount of effort he has put in to his costume!

To my surprise, absolutely no one realises who he is supposed to be. He tells a customer he is Jim Kelly, and her response is "That fine brother that started all them karate movies?" and I'm immediately a fan of her and this movie. Anyways, Reggie and Sandra - his best friend, who also works at the post office but is not dressed as Jim Kelly - discover a package that has been in the post office for 30 years. It was meant for a Cleavon Washington, but never made it. A crazy man enters the post office and takes one of Reggie's co-workers hostage, so he opens the package and discovers some nunchakus. Why did he feel the need to open a 30 year-old package in this frightening moment, I do not know. But the nunchakus are magical.

Reggie tries to distract the madman by doing some ninja movies, but messes up his backflip and falls over, which just makes the crazy dude laugh. So it actually kind of works; he lets the girl go and runs away... after throwing a live grenade. Everyone escapes before the explosion, but Reggie remembers he saw an old lady in there and is worried she didn't make it out. I'm worried about how awful her makeup is. So he goes back in and tries to save her, but instead she just transfers some magical powers to Reggie.

Meanwhile, a dude named Black Lightning is having trouble with a shoe he ordered. He's undefeated because he has never lost a fight, and he will never lose a shoe.

So Reggie goes home and gets some rest, but is woken in the middle of the night by his phone going crazy; turns out the jerks he work with took the video of him looking silly and posted it on the internet. Also turns out all his friends are jerks and call him in the middle of the night. Try that shit with LOGMAN and you'll get a phone up your patooty. Anyways, Jay Leno and some other TV shows are making fun of Reggie because the internet is mean. 

This part is actually real; the guy who wrote and directed this movie was ridiculed on the internet for this very same video of him messing up a flip. Internet jerks.

Meanwhile, Reggie's Aunt Mary has been having trouble at her restaurant; turns out this Black Lightning dude is trying to run her out of business. Was she the one that messed up his shoe order?

Anyways, apparently Reggie has to go back to work because the post office was rebuilt in a day? Except Reggie has woken up with some changes; he's now very buff, doesn't need glasses, is fluent in Japanese, and is sporting a super funky afro. And he has martial arts skills like he's Jim Kelly.

Sandra is now very attracted to him. Gosh, he's still the same good person inside, Sandra! The fact you couldn't see that before says more about you! Black Lightning sends some dudes to go mess up Aunt Mary's restaurant, so Reggie goes down and gives them a whooping. Then he starts using his new skills to help the people in the community; he starts fighting crime and bringing people together to do renovations. Black Lightning chews out his henchmen for being useless. And wearing blue. 

Reggie and Sandra decide its time to track down this Cleavon Washington so they can figure out what is going on, and it leads them to a bad part of town and an abandoned warehouse. Inside, they find pictures of a Japanese Ninja Master and another Ninja Master - Cleavon Washington. Who just happens to be my main man Jim Kelly!

Which makes no sense, because in this world Jim Kelly is real. So wouldn't their immediate reaction to seeing these pictures be something like "Oh wow it's Jim Kelly!"??
Reggie sees another picture of a little boy and recognises it from his Aunt's home - a picture of himself as a little boy! Could Reggie be the son of Cleavon Washington?

Anyways, after getting it on with Sandra, Reggie is visited in the night by the spirit of the Japanese Ninja Master, who explains everything to Reggie. Then Reggie uses these superpowers to go defeat Black Lightning and put an end to his evil plans to take over the neighbourhood. And gets a new Mayor installed, because the previous one was in cahoots with Black Lightning? And wins a car? Holy shit, I gotta get me some of these magical nunchakus.

REACTION

This a low-budget homage to blaxploitation and martial arts movies of the 70s and 80s; it's all pretty harmless and a hell of a lot of fun. It isn't an over the top riot like Undercover Brother, but it has heart and I would dare say it is somewhat charming. There were a whole bunch of nods to other movies that were cool and probably a whole bunch I didn't even know. Mark Hicks has that nice guy quality that makes him perfect for this type of character; a down on his luck guy that just wants to do good and help others. And that makes Black Lighting the perfect foil, because the dude is the most cliched black villain you could ask for. He is hilarious.

JIM KELLY

My man appeared for about 2 minutes at the end of the movie to finally meet his son and tell him he is proud of him. It was a very minor thing, but I liked that the character of Cleavon Washington still followed what Jim Kelly usually played in the movies; a guy that cared about his community and empowering black people and minorities, fighting against The Man to make a difference. I would guess that was one of the reasons he agreed to do this movie, since he hadn't made a film in 27 years! If you see anything on his credits between One Down, Two to Go and Afro Ninja: Destiny, it is a lie. Believe me. His cameo in Undercover Brother was cut (what a crime) and I watched Stranglehold and Ultimatum intently. Neither featured this Jim Kelly at all. Wasting my gawdam time, IMDB... 

This isn't some incredible film. This isn't some groundbreaking drama. But if you go in to watching this movie with an appreciation for the films it is paying tribute to, then it works well and is entertaining. Honestly, I was actually surprised. The aspect ration on Tubi is messed up, but it is still watchable. A really fitting way to end the Jim Kelly June Jamboree. 

R.I.P. Jim Kelly

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: One Down, Two to Go (1982)

THE MOVIE

We begin at a karate tournament, which is headlined by a battle between a team from New Jersey and a team from Los Angeles; each team has put up $200,000 and the winner gets all the money. The team's coaches are introduced and the Los Angeles coach is my main man Jim Kelly!

He provides absolutely zero cornering help to his students, and instead just crouches by the ring, clearly trying to distance himself from the most hilariously terrible kickboxing fights imaginable.

His buddy Ralph (Richard Roundtree - SHAFT) comes over, and they think something fishy is going on, because the Los Angeles team are losing fights. It couldn't be that they suck... Chuck (Jim Kelly) heads backstage and discovers the New Jersey team has been loading their gloves with metal, because "the local business owners" (translation: the mob) behind their side of the money refuse to lose. Chuck is spotted by some of their henchmen, so he gives them a good whooping, but then when he's trying to get in his car they shoot him. Boo!

After the Los Angeles team are somehow victorious, it quickly becomes clear Ralph and Chuck aren't going to be getting their money. I mean, they showed absolutely zero patience and chased after it only about 10 minutes after the tournament ended, but these New Jersey crooks were definitely not going to pay.

Chuck turns up with a bullet wound, so his girlfriend, Teri, and Ralph sneak him out of town to try and get him healed up. Chuck tells Teri to call a couple of friends to come in and help with the situation. Which is lucky, because the next morning, all these bad white dudes find them, beat Ralph with a post, rape Teri, and shoot Chuck some more. That's a bad start to any day!

Chuck's friends arrive - it's Jim Brown and Fred Williamson. So you know shit is about to go down!

Their first order of business is to get their money, which involves Jim Brown shaking down a bank manager and then wiping out some mob boss and his goons.

Fred Williamson bags him a white girl and... I think that was all he was doing. They manage to find Chuck and Ralph, who were being cared for by some other decent black folk, but Teri has been kidnapped by the main bad guys. So they set about saving her and putting an end to the bad guys' operation once and for all. Which means lots of shooting and explosions and these three tough men just being tough.

REACTION

This is a relatively fun blaxploitation action film, made all the better because of having the four baddest dudes on the planet working together. And they all just deliver hilariously badass dialogue and threats with effortless cool. Odd to me that they were constantly giving the sheriff loads of shit, even though he didn't arrest them for, you know, walking around town with big guns and shooting a whole bunch of people and blowing up cars. But really, this type of movie is just your stereotypical blaxploitation-type of thing; short on story, but heavy on the action and the cool. And I'm here for it.

JIM KELLY

He whooped some dudes, but my man had a pretty bad spell in this movie; he got shot, his woman was violated, and he spent the majority of the movie in bed trying to recover. I don't think I saw a tennis racquet at any point.. And his karate students looked like shit! No wonder he topped making movies after this (and this was already after a few years off).

I'd like to see some boutique label do a blu-ray of this movie, because the only way to view it right now is on the youtube. Which you should do. It's free and it's the right thing to do.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Death Dimension (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open with a young woman having some kind of microchip implanted into her forehead. Not the most pleasant way to kick things off, thanks! Her name is Felicia and she works as an assistant for a Dr. Mason, who has been developing some sort of bomb that freezes people at the behest of 'The Pig'. Dr. Mason seems to have had a change of heart and has come up with some plot to kill himself so that the bomb can not be completed and The Pig won't get his wish. But, of course, he doesn't actually want to destroy all his research because he's a fucking dork, so he's put it all on the microchip that he's just implanted in Felicia. So you'd rather put her life in danger than save the world from disaster?

Yes, because the world needed an ice age? Or you were worried all the ice cream was going to melt?
What a fucking jerk this guy is - I'm glad he dies. Felicia escapes the compound or wherever the fuck they are and heads to Los Angeles in search of some dude in the US military she is going to give the research to. Ah cool; The Pig can't have it but the US government are allowed to use it to kill and murder. The Pig sends some dudes to get her, and that Australian James Bond George fucking Lazenby sends his best detective on the case - my main man, Jim Kelly!

Jim Kelly is Detective Ash. Wait - he's a cop?? Does that make him... the man?!?! My how things have turned...

Anyways, he comes up with some hilarious theory about one of The Pig's henchmen being Haitian because of some markings on his victim's neck being from a ring on his pinky finger that can only be from a Haitian. It made no sense to me. Especially since while explaining that, Jim Kelly also was wearing a ring on his pinky finger. So maybe he's trying to tell James Bond that he's actually the killer? Or Haitian? 

The Pig sends some goons to take out Detective Ash, so he heads to Reno to track him down. After visiting a brothel for apparently no reason to meet the most horrifying prostitutes 

and getting kicked out for perving on some old people in the spa, Detective Ash enlists the help of his kung fu fighting pal, Li, to track down The Pig. Meanwhile, The Pig has setup shop in one of his other brothels in Los Angeles to complain about the quality of his prostitutes - according to him, they need bigger boobs. Dude, if that was an issue why did you hire them? Just put it exclusively in the advertisement: "Must have big boobs." and I'm sure you'll find plenty of takers. He's also trying to sell this bomb that he actually doesn't have - the man is just that confident in his henchmen to track down Felicia. Gotta admire that kind of leadership. He's demanding no less than $50 million for the bomb. Look at this prospective buyer: 

He doesn't look like he even has $50.

Felicia gets to Dr. Mason's daughter's home, but figures out this lady isn't her because... she has a tan? The Pig keeps getting ahead of Ash, even sending his Haitian dude to kill Ash's girlfriend, so Ash thinks someone must be in cahoots with The Pig. Eventually, Felicia is captured and Ash and Li track down The Pig and give him a good whooping. And his Haitian henchman. And James Bond - he was in cahoots with The Pig, in case you didn't figure that out.

REACTION

This was made by the same director as Black Samurai, but where that movie was cheap and fun, Death Dimension is just cheap. The Pig looked less like a big-time criminal mastermind and more of a small time hustler. And the prostitutes in his brothels were downright terrifying - no wonder Jim Kelly didn't have sex with any of them! There wasn't much in the way of story. Or acting. Or sense. But there certainly was a lot of action; fight scenes, car chases, more fight scenes, even planes and helicopters and gondolas, so it was never boring. Just not anything special. Also, bah gawd how did George Lazenby go from James Bond to this in the space of 8 years?!?

JIM KELLY

My man's career started with him whooping the pigs, and now finally being a pig and whooping The Pig. Interesting development. His afro was a bit tighter and he didn't do all too much whooping in this one, - in fact, more often than not, he was the one on the receiving end - but some white dudes did get punched in the junk. And in the end, that's about all I can ask from him.

I don't have a lot to say about this one. 

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: The Tattoo Connection (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open in some sort of shipping yard, where a dude is challenging a gang. This dude is called Lee Tung Hao and he wants someone in the gang called Fat Dog to come with him, but I think the leader of the gang says Fat Dog belongs to him and they have to fight. Of course, Tung Hao wins and the gang leader is all 'Hey you are great! Fat Dog is all yours!'. Fat Dog stole money from their gang boss, Mr. Lu, and Tung Hao wants him to come back - promising him he will make sure no one kills him. It is here I will point out that this is a Hong Kong film from 1978, so all the dialogue is hilariously overdubbed with silly British accents and there are more camera zooms than can jokes I can make.

Tung Hao takes Fat Dog back to Mr. Lu's gang... and then exiles him. Makes sense.

Cue funky music!

So Mr. Lu's gang rob some dude of some diamonds. The insurance company send in an ex-CIA agent to to investigate; it's my main man Jim Kelly!

He at least has been overdubbed with an American accent and quickly gets on the trail, interviewing his buddy George - who was the guy robbed of the diamonds - and some guys that were involved in the robbery. But at every turn, Lu's gang is just one step ahead of him. Or at least... on top of him? On moving cars?

Meanwhile, Tung Hao has given the diamond to his Uncle to cut up so they can move it and make millions of dollars. Uncle predicts bad things will come from this. But he'll still cut it for money, because he's not totally stupid. His workshop is on a boat? That seems less than stable to be cutting precious stones. He also seem less than stable on the whole process:

Lucas is back on the trail - now he is investigating a tattoo found on a dead body.

He goes to a tattoo parlour and the dude tries to pretend he wasn't involved, but Lucas ain't no fool! He sends Lucas to talk to Nana, a dancer at Mr. Lu's club. And Tung Hao's secret girlfriend. She pretty much wants nothing to do with Lucas because she's racist or something. He whoops Lu's men so Tung Hao gets involved - but of course the police come before they can determine a winner. Fat dog was watching the whole thing and decides he'll help Lucas figure things out. Of course, Mr. Lu figures out Fat Dog is helping so kills him.

Lucas is getting suspicious of everyone. Tung Hao is getting fed up with Mr. Lu. Mr. Lu is being Mr. Lu, and tries to get Nana to seduce Lucas and kill him with sex. Lucas seems kinda keen on this idea, which is really odd; last time they interacted she was basically repulsed by him, but now she's all over him and getting naked in his hotel room - and he's not suspicious of that?!? Anyways, before she can give him death by snu-snu, Tung Hao busts in and takes Nana home. This, of course, makes Mr. Lu mad because now Lucas is still alive AND his top henchman has been keeping his affair secret. AND the old man on the wobbly boat still hasn't cut the diamond. I mean, you left him on a fucking boat and gave him girls to play Mahjong with - you only have yourself to blame, Lu. And has it been a week already? I mean, surely Lucas could have investigated the tattoo parlours and caught up with Nana in about a day - what else has he been doing with his time? Anyways, Mr. Lu is fed up with the old man, Tung Hao and Lucas, and sets about trying to kill them all - but I'm sure you can figure out how that works out for him.

Death by not snu-snu.

Lucas heads back to America and Tung Hao heads off to prison, though the Hong Kong police think he might be out in time for Christmas so he can spend the holidays with Lucas. Now that is a sequel I could get behind...

REACTION

Pretty much your typical 1978 Hong Kong martial arts film - which suited me quite fine, for the most part. The overdubbed voices did sound particularly silly in this one, though; I'm not quite sure who made the decision to have a big burly Chinese man sound like a cockney pirate teenager from the 13th Century, but I respect their artistic vision. I would be somewhat interested to view the movie again with the original language track, but would be quite surprised if that still existed. Can you believe this was originally promoted in Western countries as Black Belt Jones 2? I mean, Hot Potato was technically that, and it actually made less sense as the sequel.

JIM KELLY

It was a jarring hearing someone else's voice for him in this film... but, realistically, that was probably the least of the problems here. For the most part, Lucas just fumbled his investigation and got into fights. And looked cool doing it.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Samurai (1976)

THE MOVIE

We are back in Hong Kong, where some ugly dudes are following a girl while she shops. Turns out she's a rude bitch.

The girl is some government dude's daughter and these ugly guys are going to kidnap her? Are we playing 'Let's Try That Again'?!? And what's with the seductive music while she gets kidnapped? Before I can answer, the opening credits are here with an awesome theme and all sorts of epilepsy.

It's my main man - Jim Kelly! And he's giving some lady a whooping... in tennis.

The Man turns up and says he needs to get back to work and go after a bad dude called Agustus Janicott, "a high priest of the occult" who uses his slaves as drug runners and prostitutes. Jim Kelly is Robert Sand, an agent for an organisation called D.R.A.G.O.N. - and he doesn't appreciate The Man interrupting his vacation, so no matter what they say about this dude, he is not interested. Until they explain that he is behind the kidnapping we saw earlier. And the girl kidnapped isn't just a government dude's daughter - she is Sand's secret girlfriend, Toki! Of course, he is now on the case!

Sand flies to wherever this is all going down and is immediately under attack from the bad guys; they attack him in his car and they attack him while at home doing some training.

But of course Sand just whoops their butts and then crashes Janicott's party. Well, he had an invite from somewhere, but he proceeds to hit on Janicott's main girl in the most hilariously arrogant and uninterested way that I'm sure he won't be welcome for long.

You can tell Janicott is a real high-roller, because his parties feature a 20-piece Mexican band, a drugged up white girl dancing badly, and... a buzzard. Janicott invited Sand as some sort of trap, so throws his whole party out of the window by starting a rumble with him. What a shitty host. Sand walks along rooftops and whoops all of Janicott's men - including stomping some dude's balls and calling him "Whitey fa***t!".

Pretty sure that's a hate crime there, Sand. 

Then he beats up more dudes, and a couple of midgets, before making his escape. Janicott expresses his disappointment with his top henchman/black gay pirate, Bones, who just responds with "That's okay".

Janicott feeds an old white dude to his snakes to make an example of him. I mean, I would think that sort of thing would make Sand happy? Maybe the black gay pirate, too? Anyways, Sand goes on the hunt for his beloved Toki; first to one of Janicott's businesses (where he gets in another rumble), and then to one of his associates' house - via a fucking jet pack!

There, he fights with some jungle men and is forced to kill another midget. Dude is just committing hate crimes all over the place. Turns out Toki is actually at Janicott's house, so it's back there to stop her being sacrificed for one of his black magic rituals or something. Sand must defeat the gay pirate Bones and then finally put a stop to Janicott and his evil ways, so that he and Toki can live happily ever after!

REACTION

Now this is a Jim Kelly movie! It is quite a low-budget affair, and certainly doesn't have the charm or comedic fun that you find in something like Black Belt Jones, but this more of hard-nosed action movie with no nonsense and violence. Lots of violence. And okay, there is nonsense. Like fighting midgets and dudes dressed in loincloths. One of the more entertaining features of the film is all the hilarious ADR that gets thrown in all the time; someone might be walking the street and suddenly they will be saying something - but clearly not talking. It's especially fun during the fight scenes where they've added Jim Kelly just insulting people while he fights them. During his last fight with Bones, they both talk smack constantly in ADR - but only when the shot is of the other person, i.e. you'll have a close-up of Bones, while Jim Kelly is taunting him "Hit me - come on hit me! You are going down!"

JIM KELLY
My man was just absolutely ruthless as Robert Sand. It felt like all he cared about was himself and Toki, and he showed absoltely zero mercy to anyone in his way. Even midgets. And it was nice to see him not bowing to The Man again. Also (spoiler alert), the way he finished off Janicott was pretty darn cold. And he flew a fucking jet pack! After Hot Potato, this was exactly what was needed. Oh and I almost forgot! He defeated a fucking buzzard!

I need to watch again and figure out what D.R.A.G.O.N. stands for. Highly recommended you don't mess with Robert Sand!