WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night Two

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,653 

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

We're back - "WrestleMania Saturday" was pretty good, and now I actually know what is in store for tonight's show; Johnny Fucking Knoxville, Pat McAfee, and Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns. Insert shrug emoji.

NIGHT TWO

America the Beautiful

Jesse James Decker is apparently many wonderful things. She is a pretty good singer, but bah gawd she has some nasal qualities and a hideous Southern twang going on. That said, this is easily the best performance of the weekend.
6/10

Opening Video Package

Mark Wahlberg says "it's rare the sequel is as good as the original". My man made Transformers: The Last Knight, so he knows from experience. He then says "We gotta run it back"; so you're saying we are just going to do all the matches from last night again? I bet this dude got paid millions of dollars for this 30 second appearance. Stupendous!

5/10

Triple H's music hits and bah gawd this show is already worse than last night. Is this his chance to do the thank you to the fans and welcome to WrestleMania? They should warn me if he's opening the show so I can do something else during that time, like make my wraps, pour some Pepsi, or stick my head in the microwave. Seriously, fifteen minutes of him thinking he's Vince McMahon? And retiring, or something? I don't know. Just fuck off.

Triple Threat

Raw Tag-Team Championship

RK-Bro (c) vs The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy

I don't know who the hell Alpha Academy are and someone should run Matt Riddle down with a burning Hummer, but The Street Profits are cool so at least I have one team to support here. What is up with this fucking "Alpha" moron doing the stupidest "Shush" ever? Oh hey - I remember Otis from previous WrestleMania's! He had a beard and was fun. Now he has none of those things. Montez Ford is fucking YEAH!
Orton & Riddle double-team the Profits and both act like Orton, which is very silly. Alpha Chad Gable has tried the top-rope twice now and both times he looks like he is about to poo his pants and throw up. Honestly, dude, if you're not comfortable with it you should just stay off, because you look stupider. Lots of high-flying crazy shit. Lots of shit in general.

Winners = RK-Bro via pinfall following Orton hitting an RKO.

6/10

I would rate that match higher if it involved better people. However, Montez Ford is awesome and this should have been his moment so his family could have a big WrestleMania weekend. Make him WWE Champion and I might tune in again. Hahaha just kidding.

Post-match, the Profits pour drinks for RK-Bro and then call over that Gable Stevenson guy WWE signed yesterday. Chad Gable is not happy. Because they are both called Gable and wrestle? New Gable doesn't know what he's doing at all... but then daaaamn suplex!

Bobby Lashley vs Omos

It's not a terrible 'big man' match, but then they fuck something up and it kills the crowd. Lashley goes for The Hurt Lock, but Omos says 'Nope!'. Omos just throws Lashley around some more. That's a big man he's throwing and catching! Lashley suplexes Omos and the crowd goes nuts.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via pinfall following spear

7/10

I'm probably being generous, but I enjoy when big dudes fight like big dudes. Omos does look terrible trying to sell stuff, though.

There's a video of WWE hanging out with retards and George W. Bush. So extra retards.

Pat McAfee is still commentating - shouldn't he be preparing for his pro-wrestling debut?

Video Package

Sami Zayn is still paranoid and making bad videos. Johnny Knoxville is old and has brain damage. Legit. He put Zayn's phone number on Instagram, so people called him while he was trying to eat dinner or something. How are these highlights being set to a really fun pop-rock song?

7/10

Anything Goes
Johnny Knoxville vs Sami Zayn

Is it really impossible to just call a match "No Disqualification"? Knoxville comes out wearing safety goggles. He should be wearing a fucking crash helmet. Zayn tries to grab something from under the ring and there are a whole bunch of mouse traps. Huh? This is like a hardcore match from 1999 where a whole lot of dumb shit just happens for no reason. Knoxville blows an airhorn at Zayn as he runs towards him, but he does it too late like a total doofus. Some idiot I guess from Jackass is now in the ring? Zayn is scared of a guy in his underpants, which totally makes sense if pro-wrestling were performed in full body suits. Why is he rolling him under the ring? Oh, that's because there is another Jackass character hiding under there. A little dude slams Zayn and Knoxville hits a tornado DDT. Then the Jackass guys bring some sort of kicking contraption into the ring. What the fuck is the point of that? Wouldn't it just be easier to kick the dude with your own leg? And how does Knoxville have control of the pyro? Then Knoxville pulls out a taser like he thinks he's Colonel DeBeers. Zayn runs into a... giant hand?

Tongs to the wang and then he goes through a mousetrap-covered table he setup earlier. The Jackass crew then bring in a giant mousetrap. Pat McAfee calls this "majestic" and "stupendous" BAHAHAHA I like this Pat McAfee. The giant mouse trap breaks, so Knoxville has to manually make it catch Zayn.

Winner = Johnny Knoxville via pinfall from mousetrap?

7/10

I mean, it was totally stupid bullshit. But I laughed. And Pat McAfee is actually great.

Backstage, the door to Brock Lesnar's dressing room is shown. I'm guessing this was to remind the other wrestlers that he is the only star, so only he deserves his own dressing room.

Fatal 4-Way

Women's Tag-Team Championship

They announce the rules, and once again it is one fall to a finish. THAT'S NOT FATAL AT ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS.
Naomi & Sasha Banks vs Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley vs Shayna Baszler & Natalya vs Queen Zelina & Carmella (c)

Naomi does her typical dancing and glowing, while her tag-team partner comes out in a Lamborghini. Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley have decided to dress up as Catwomen. Of course, the geniuses on commentary think they are Batwomen. Huh - this is like a party for people whose tag-partners at last year's WrestleMania got fired. Carmella is now being billed as "the most beautiful woman in WWE" - which is stupid - and she's wearing some stupid mask covering her face? Sasha and Morgan kick everyone out of the ring so they can try and have an actual wrestling match, I guess. I think I ask this most WrestleManias, but how is it Natalya grew up around this business and has an Uncle that is actually the greatest ever, yet here we are probably 20 years into her career and she is still so darn average. And how is it Shayna Baszler was so average at MMA but is so darn good at this pro-wrestling thing? I like Liv Morgan, but her screaming is comical. And she is not strong enough for this Tower of Doom.

Winners = Sasha Banks & Naomi via double-team pin

4/10

New Champions!

It... actually wasn't as bad as I expected!

They show a replay of the tag-team match from last night, but refuse to explain how The Miz tagging his partner in the middle of the ring was allowed.

Video Package

Edge thinks he is the most important part of WrestleMania and starts shit with AJ Styles for no reason. Cool. Edge is sad because he's been having bad matches, or something. Styles is the king of WrestleMania matches not living up to the hype, so you two are made for each other. Also, crushing his head with a chair is probably not going to make him perform better. Holy shit, Edge is a truly terrible promo.

2/10

AJ Styles vs Edge

The commentators say AJ Styles has been taking out WWE legends... like... Austin Theory. Who?? Edge comes out on a throne like he's Triple H or some shit. He even has a new entrance song. You know, as average as AJ Styles has become in WWE, he is certainly using that WWE paycheck to take good care of his hair. He bashes Edge's headed into the steps. Graves thinks the sternum is where your ribs are. Edge is now dominating, but what did he hurt his knees doing a move or something? Edge continues to slow the match down like he's heel Bret Hart minus the awesomeness. Styles with the epic slide into the turnbuckles. Lots of reversals that end with Edge getting an STF locked in. Makes me wonder if John Cena is ever coming back. Or at least giving us a Bumblebee sequel. More reversals. Styles goes for a Torture Rack, which is weird from a little dude like him, but Omos should totally use that as his finisher. Imagine someone up on that giant's shoulders. More submission reversals. I could have saved us all a bunch of time and just written that and nothing else. Styles hits a superplex onto the ring apron? Jeebus. The referee hits them with the looooongest outside 10-count ever, but then doesn't count them down at all when they have been laying in the middle of the ring for a minute. Edge kicks out of the Styles Clash, so Damian Priest runs out to distract... Styles.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a spear of all fucking things

7/10

It was too long and a bit boring, but I did consider a higher score until that stupid ending.

Edge and Priest are being hyped as the "new breed" or some shit. I don't care. Do what you want - I am 100% certain they won't be together come next WrestleMania.

New Day vs Sheamus & Ridge Holland (w/Butch?)
Bryon Saxton continues to make it abundantly clear he does not watch Smackdown. Neither do I. After that last match, this one need to be quick. And thankfully, it is.

Winners = Sheamus & Ridge Holland via pinfall

4/10

I don't care enough about those bad guys to care about that match.

Michael Cole hyping the main event: "There has never been a WrestleMania match like this!". Except twice before.

The Weeknd are responsible for another WrestleMania theme. And this one probably sucks more.

The Undertaker comes out to walk around and give a bit of a wave. It's like he is taunting us that this show will never end.

Video Package

Pat McAfee always wanted to be a pro-wrestler, but took up American Football instead. It pays better. Austin Theory is Vince McMahon's favourite wrestler or some shit. I care less about him than ever. Pat McAfee is living his dream.

6/10

Pat McAfee vs Austin Theory (w/Vince McMahon)

McMahon does his stupid strut down the ring and the commentators kiss his ass, because that is what all WWE employees do. Fans do it for free, because they are stupid. Why does Theory call himself "A-Town"? That's possibly the stupidest nickname since "The Real OC". McMahon clearly tells Theory what to do with his cellphone and they take selfies together. Jeebusfuckingchrist. McAfee comes out to Seven Nation Army - noice. And the Dallas Cheerleaders - not so noice. Cole reminds us he is actually undefeated at WrestleMania, so hopefully McAfee wins tonight and sets up a streak vs streak match at WrestleMania XXXIX. Cole makes jokes about Vince being old and deaf - holy shit, when did this dude get balls?? It's especially funny, given his job involves having Vince yell in his headset about what to say. McAfee thinks he is The Rock and starts to commentate himself beating up Theory. McAfee misses a top-rope swanton, but holy shit he hits a picture perfect backflip. And leaps to the top rope like a mofo.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall via rollup and holding the tights.

6/10

Vince berates his 'chosen one' and then challenges McAfee to a match or something.

Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon (w/Austin Theory)

Theory attacks McAfee from behind, which leads to Vince beating up McAfee... and the crowd chanting "You still got it!" at Vince? You fucking morons deserve this shit. Theory attacks McAfee some more - why is that not a disqualification? Man, what a way to absolutely murder what was a feelgood moment. Vince is given a football - dude should be careful, he might break his leg. Then he kicks it into McAfee bahahaha how fucking stupid.

Winner = Vince McMahon via pinfall following football?

-5/10

That was the second stupidest thing I've seen all weekend. Fuck this show.

McMahon's music hits and Vince has a heart attack - clearly that was a fuckup on someone's part and he was expecting someone else, because then 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's music plays and he comes out. Stupid fucking old man can't hear music properly - Cole was right. Let me get this straight; you had a great thing with Pat McAfee living the dream and winning his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania, only to immediately destroy that goodwill so Vince could have one last WrestleMania moment with Steve Austin? Austin hits Theory with the Stunner and the kid gives it the biggest bump ever hahaha. Vince wants to have a beer with Austin for old times' sake. We all know where that is heading. HOLY SHIT WORST STUNNER EVER!! 

Austin is pissing himself.

Austin very gently stomps old POS Vince. I'm guessing McAfee is next for the beer/stunner combo... McAfee spits beer everywhere and Austin seems to love it. Austin then pours beer on the dude for good measure, then plugs his beer label on the way out.

Video Package

You'd think for "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history" they'd do something a bit more interesting than just having boring highlights set to a shitty Metallica song. I'd hope there was actually some kind of story involved here, but what would I know.

1/10

Main Event

WWE Championship Unification

Brock Lesnar (WWE Champion) vs Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Champion) (w/Paul Heyman)

The result for this is pretty clear-cut; Reigns is winning. He's the future of WWE and the chosen one and this is what they've been building for like six years now or however long it has been since he started headlining this garbage truck. The real question for me is: will this actually be interesting? Because their last match sure was not. What is going on in CGI Roman Reigns' crotch??

He's upgraded his Thanos glove to red, so now it is faster? He has a microphone and I'm scared I am going to have to listen to one of his promos, but thankfully he just delivers one boring sentence about acknowledging him. I do! I acknowledge you are one boring motherfucker! Lesnar's having a great time - he gives zero fucks about winning and losing, so long as the man gets paid. The match gets going and it is just spamming suplexes and (not so) Superman punches. The hilarity that these dumbfucks in the crowd actually think Lesnar might win this with a single F5. Also hilarious that the referee is knocked out and misses all sorts of cheating, but can easily see someone calling him over to make the pin a second later. Heyman truly is a barrel of WrestleCrap with his "My tribal chief" babbling. What the fuck am I watching here...

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear

5/10

New unified champion?

Roman Reigns poses with his belts forever and gets some pyro and fuck you good night!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   AJ Styles vs Edge
   It was mighty slow at points and went a bit long. And while I thoroughly enjoyed The Knoxville/Zayn match, that enjoyment was based on fucking how stupid the whole thing was.
2. Worst Match
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
   Yeah. Fuck Vince McMahon.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee having the absolute time of his life. Close second would be Vince McMahon completely fucking up the Stunner at all-time levels.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Not even close.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Pat McAfee.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul was in the highlights, so he can have this again because fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have suited it more. PepsiMax with raspberry is good for a change and possibly improved my attitude.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice, because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was the night of the bad guys! Even when there were moments the good guys won, the bad guys got the upperhand after the match to get the HEAT. The bullshit with Vince McMahon - look, I get it, but it was a poor idea executed poorly. The main event was obvious. But on the whole, not nearly as bad as I expected and, well, I actually had a fun old time with plenty of WrestleCrap madness.
    5 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night One

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,719

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
I'm back again! It's Easter Sunday - the day of the resurrection! Which is appropriate, because my bLogging of WrestleMania feels a lot like a zombie just scouring the Earth looking for something that might be interesting. And I have no brain for doing this.

Anyway, what's in store for me today? Ronda Rousey returns! Cody Rhodes possibly returning, too! And Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns for the 100th time, except this time it's to unify the two world titles. I'm actually interested! What I'm not interested in is the sheer length of this nonsense; I've actually finally caved and will be skipping the pre-shows from now on. I mean, I don't bLog about them and they are a colossal waste of time anyways, but if WWE want to make them TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG and then have WrestleMania go for another FOUR hours, and then multiply that over TWO FUCKING NIGHTS... yeah, Fuck y'all. Also, the pre-shows are usually so terrible, contain no actual matches and are just filled with annoying people that it immediately makes me hate WrestleMania before it even begins!

On that note...

NIGHT ONE

America the Beautiful
Bradley Gilbert is awful. The dudes singing harmony are even worse. This is like hard rock country wannabe? Or country hard rock wannabe? Either way, I wannabe dead.
2/10

Opening Video Package
Mark Wahlberg tells the wrestlers to "catch some greatness". Oh no, I misunderstood - his plea was for "WrestleMania Saturday" to catch the greatness. Because the wrestlers don't matter. You know, they could actually use this opening video to hype some of the matches instead of just pretending WrestleMania is the greatest invention in the history of history.
3/10

"Stupendous" is the word of the night, apparently. They claim there are over 70,000 people in attendance, which is probably a lie. And not even that great of a lie, when you consider they had over 100,000 people last time they were in this stadium. Y'all should just lie big and claim 200,000 people.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are going to open the show? Skipping the pre-show isn't going to help much. Fuck this show.

Rick Boogs plays guitar. Pat McAffee parties on the commentary table. 

Stupendous.
Hey, Boogs - your guitar needs tuning. Badly. There is a recap from an earlier episode of Smackdown, where Boogs pretended to be injured to... get a title shot? Plays out of tune guitars, screams in falsetto, pretends to be injured - Boogs might actually be the best thing in WWE today!

Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs (w/out of tune guitar) vs Jimmy & Jey Uso (c)
Oh, what a shock - the Uso's are the tag-team champions at WrestleMania! McAfee can't be bothered with the Uso first names, so I immediately like this guy. He says stupendous another 10 times, so he immediately lost that goodwill. Cole has absolutely nothing to talk about, so he just lists all the championships Nakamura has won... then does it all over again a couple of minutes later. Then tells us Lesnar vs Reigns is "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history". Clearly, Michael Cole is invested in this match. Boogs does some weird suplex where he drops to a knee and goes back up. Why? Oh, now he's really injured?

Winners = Jimmy & Jey Uso via pinfall following the old Dudley Boys' finisher because they are that void of anything interesting.
6/10

Michael Cole says something about Texas being Metroplex. I must have missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

Video Package
Baron Corbin used to be sad, because he lost all his money. He couldn't get in the arena to wrestle for WWE. How does being poor mean you no longer get security clearance for your job? Do the wrestlers have to pay to enter? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me... He was prepared to quit wrestling, but then he won millions of dollars at the casino - so now he is very happy. And used his winnings to buy a best friend? Holy shit - this is actually hilarious! The new happy friends beat up Drew McIntyre at some WWE show and stole his sword. McIntyre went from winning the championship at WrestleMania, to losing the championship at WrestleMania, to fighting BARON CORBIN in one of the opening/meaningless matches.
8/10

Drew McIntyre (w/sword that I guess he stole back?) vs 'Happy' Corbin (w/Madcap Moss)
Moss won the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, which I guess has been permanently moved to the Smackdown before WrestleMania, justifying my decision to drop the pre-shows from my viewing experience. Because seriously, what is the point of a TWO FUCKING HOUR pre-show if there are no matches? Corbin is winning, so of course that means he gets into an argument with Moss, which leads to McIntyre turning things around. McIntyre does his big dive over the top rope - mind your wang!!! Corbin gets a two count and is very NOT happy hur hur hur.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following a claymore kick.
6/10

Corbin will be even less happy now.

Moss tries to get in the ring, but McIntyre chops the ropes with his sword and there are some explosion noises. Then he visits the commentary table and Pat McAfee is on his phone hahaha.

Some dude talked shit to his girlfriend about Sheamus in private, but she totally sold him out and now he's offering Sheamus a Snickers. I guess this is better than previous years...

WrestleMania t-shirts are discounted more than last year. Uglier, too.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio teaming with his son, Dominik, is a dream come true. The Miz needed a new tag-team partner, because John Morrison got fired yet again. So he chose the only person possibly more unlikeable than himself in Logan Paul. This is easily the worst tag-team in the history of history.
4/10

And to think, I was actually enjoying this show...

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (not his real surname) vs The Miz & Logan Paul
Rey is repping the Mexico flag and Dominik is flying the colours of the USA... because he hates his heritage? Corey Graves just turned up on commentary because I needed all my least favourite people in one place. Logan Paul does some punches and high jumps, and Graves actually compares him to The British Bulldog. Oh, fuck you very much! How did Jimmy Smith go from calling MMA with Bellator and the UFC, to selling this nonsense? Logan Paul pulls off Eddie Guerrero's signature moves because WWE can't stop milking the man's career. Apparently The Miz tagged himself in when Logan Paul was in the middle of the ring?

Not a legal tag

Winners = The Miz & Logan Paul via fuck off.
3/10

The Miz attacks Logan Paul to thunderous applause. I guess these two must now feud. They can do it all year, for all I care - I won't see any of it!

Stephanie McMahon comes out to greet the crowd because she thinks she is her Dad. I mean, she does surely suck as well. She introduces some American dude that will be a future WWE "superstar". I care more about this ad for Young Rock, and I gave up on that after episode 3.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania last year, and it was a big deal. Such a big deal, that WWE had her lose the title 4 months later to Becky Lynch in like 20 seconds. WWE sure know how to book stars! Belair gave Lynch a haircut. And that's how she earned her rematch? She comes across like a really sore loser.
5/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Becky Lynch (c)
So what Lynch's name now? Big Time Becks? And her gimmick is thinking she's Walmart Lady GaGa?

The champion gets to stand in the ring while Belair has a marching band perform her entrance.

Honestly, the commentators really need to try shutting up for a couple of minutes during these big entrances - it would help them across as something special. Belair offers a handshake, but Lynch is like 'fuck you' and almost pins her in 10 seconds hahaha. Really, what they should have done was have Belair get revenge by pinning Lynch in 10 seconds - it would have been a great story. Instead, they have Lynch just beat the shit out of Belair for like 10 minutes. What kind of crazy person does a 450 splash from the middle turnbuckle? Lynch botches her finisher or something, but the commentators just pretend it was some innovative version of a dropkick. Sure thing, guys.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following DVD/KOD thing
5/10

New Champion!

There is some new series on the WWE Network/Peacock/Torrenting sites about bad guys in wrestling - but only talking to modern pro-wrestlers, like they know anything about being proper bad guys in pro-wrestling.

Video Package
Seth Rollins couldn't get a match at WrestleMania. Old POS Vince is like 'I'll give you a match, but your opponent will be a surprise!'. It's going to be Cody Rhodes, so it will only be a surprise if Seth Rollins managed to stay off the internet for a couple of months. He's a twitter addict, so I'm guessing not likely. And why would this be so important to him? He already earns megabucks - regardless of performing at WrestleMania or not - and it's not like this will be for a title or anything.
2/10

(Not Really a) Surprise Wrestler Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
Rollins is introduced by a glee club or something. And he's actually being billed as "Seth 'Freakin' Rollins"? Whoa, baby, that is dumb. The surprise wrestler should have been Vince McMahon himself - I would have laughed a lot. But, shockingly, it is Cody Rhodes. What actually is a surprise is that he's still using his AEW theme song. AND still has that gawdawful neck tattoo.

Cole: "No one at AT&T Stadium can believe it!" - is that why the crowd were chanting his name before his music hit? 
Cole: "Rhodes has been competing at the highest level his entire career recently."

What?

AND THEN the commentators start acting like he's been retired for the last six years instead of wrestling all over the world and helping start the second biggest pro-wrestling promotion in the USA. Guys, it's not like he was in the UWF. Or fucking TNA. How did Rhodes not get disqualified for kicking Rollins in the balls? And how is Rollins totally okay? Rhodes hits his finisher but only gets a 2-count and the commentators absolutely bury the man for not getting the win HAHAHAHA. Rollins hits the Pedigree and I actually thought that might be the end, because I could imagine winning with The H Bomb's finisher would help HHH feel like he won the match vicariously. Holy shit Rhodes is just covered in welts and bruises. He imitates his Dad, sans polka dots this time, and it's honestly the feelgood spot of the night.

Winner = Cody Rhodes via pinfall following THREE crossroads
8/10

That was good shit.

2022 Hall of Fame
The Steiner Brothers were inducted? They should have been the headliners. Especially when they were inducted alongside other such illustrious pro-wrestling legends as... Booker T's wife. Yeah, okay there was also Vader. And The Undertaker. You know, it's actually funny how that dude spent like 30 years protecting his character and the last couple of years have exposed why - because he's actually a complete douchebag.

Pat McAfee is actually some sort of NFL player? But he always dreamed of becoming a pro-wrestler and has even been training for a few years. So tomorrow night he will make his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania Sunday.

We're... we're really calling them WrestleMania Saturday and Sunday now?

Michael Cole informs us Rick Boogs tore his knee and will require surgery. What a WrestleMania moment he'll never forget!

Video Package
Charlotte Flair thinks she's tougher than Ronda Rousey, because WWE wrestlers and their fans forget this shit has scripted winners. "My legacy is bigger than yours" is really the argument you want to make to hype a match? Rousey guarantees to make Flair tap-out. It's Charlotte Flair, so I guarantee that will never happen.
4/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair (c)
No Joan Jett? Or caring from the crowd? Ronda with some back and forth to start. The crowd seem kinda split. And rather dead. I don't know if it's because she looks like her Dad, but Flair seriously looks and moves like she's about 50 years-old. We finally get some drama as they exchange bad submission holds. Flair goes for the figure-four. Rousey reverses it and tries for an armbar. Flair reverses that and goes for another figure-four, then turns it into the figure-eight. Now they're trading bad near-falls - they should have stuck to bad submissions. Of course we get a referee bump, so Flair taps out and no one sees it (except for the crowd and the people watching at home and the other referees). You're using a referee that is legit close friends with Ric Flair to the point he even imitated him for a time in WCW and was his sidekick called "Lil' Natche" who helped Ric Flair win matches. I can't imagine a reputable commission would allow such a conflict.

Winner = Charlotte Flair via pinfall like you were expecting anything else?
3/10

Bahahaha welcome back, Ronda Rousey! WWE gonna WWE, I guess.

Bobby Lashley tells us WWE is where he was always meant to be. Except for those years he wrestled for other companies after quitting WWE because of racism?

Pitbull provided tonight's theme song. Do people actually listen to Pitbull when he makes music without Enrique Iglesias?

There will be matches tomorrow night on "WrestleMania Sunday", including another 4-way women's tag-team match. Faaaark I might just delete my whole hard drive now.

Video Package
The worst Metallica music video you will ever see.
2/10

Next year, WrestleMania will be in Hollywood. Will it be WrestleMania Monday as well?

Video Package
Kevin Owens Mac hates Texas. So he's the good guy, right?? He called out 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin because he stole Austin's finishing move? Austin is like 'All I gotta do is turn up, talk nonsense for half an hour and hit you with a Stunner? Fuck yeah - pay me!'. Why are they playing Kid Rock here? He's not from Texas. But he sure does suck as much as Texas.
5/10

Main Event
The KO Show featuring 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Our main event is actually going to be talking segment? And it's actually going to last 40 minutes?? Kevin Owens Mac just makes jokes about Texas until Austin comes out. What they should have done was just have Owens Mac talk shit to the crowd for like 15 minutes and then have Austin come out, hit a stunner and drink beer. Instead they sit down to talk... Owens Mac says he wants to pour a beer on Austin. Guess this dude never watched Steve Austin drink beer, because he happily does that himself. Why are the crowd chanting "What?" at Austin? WWE fans truly are the worst. Owens Mac explains why he hates Texas and you can't argue with him - in fact, I'd suggest he could have said much worse. He tells Austin he doesn't just want to talk - he wants to fight! Well, I guess that would explain why you're both wearing your wrestling gear... Owens Mac says Austin is embarrassing himself, but I don't know - I would think challenging a 60 year-old man who retired 20 years ago to a fight is pretty fucking embarrassing. Austin says he had his very first match in Dallas, Texas, so he might as well have his very last match in Dallas, Texas. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug...

No Holds Barred
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Kevin Owens
This is a stupid idea. They trade right hands and then Austin SLOWLY stomps Owens Mac. He takes a beer and then SLOWLY stomps him some more. He knocks back (i.e. spills all over himself) beer #2. He's already old and slow - not sure how being drunk will improve things? Owens Mac actually gets in some offense, but it doesn't involve anything like making Austin actually take a wrestling move. Owens Mac pulls out a table; WWE laws mean he will be the one going through that. They brawl in the crowd and OH FUCK ME Owens Mac just suplexed Austin on the floor. Colour me fucking surprised; Austin is 60 and has had multiple neck surgeries - he shouldn't be doing this shit. Austin gets beers #3 to #5. Owens Mac tries to steal Austin's ATV. Pretty sure that would get you killed in Texas. So Austin throws Owens Mac on said ATV and takes him for a drive up the ramp. That would be considered drunk and dangerous driving anywhere else in the world. Beers #6 & #7. Corey Graves plugs Austin's beer label for him. It can't be that great, because Austin keeps spitting it everywhere. Owens Mac hits a Stunner. Austin kicks out. Owens Mac swings a chair and it bounces off the ropes back into his own face. Austin with the Stunner.

Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
7/10

Fuck it - it was a stupid idea, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.

Austin gets more beers and now I've lost count. Owens Mac gets up aaaaand gets another Stunner. I can't belive Owens Mac got to live out CM Punk's dream - pretty fucking spiteful of WWE, but this is the company that officially fired him on his wedding day, so WWE gotta WWE. Also, hell of a reason to make a dude re-sign with your company. No wonder Cody Rhodes came back. Maybe he'll get to avenge someone that betrayed his Father in WWE history... like... Sapphire?

Of course, Byron Saxton - proving WWE employees have never watched a WWE show in their lives - gets in the ring, hoping to share a beer with Steve Austin. Which means he also gets a Stunner. And bounces and flops around the ring like an electrocuted eel. Steve Austin's brother gets in the ring to share a beer with Austin aaaaaand... he doesn't get a Stunner. They drink/spill beer together and that's it for now!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
   I thought it had great action and the crowd reaction to Cody's return was pretty awesome. Also, it felt like a bit of a WWE vs AEW match.
2. Worst Match
   Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair
   I mean it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty boring and then that ending was hilariously typical WWE...
3. Highlight of the Show
   Maybe Cody's return?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Everything Logan Paul.
5. Star of the Show
   Steve Austin. That may have been the biggest pop I have heard in pro-wrestling in like 20 years.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Were there any? Does Ronda Rousey still count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul, duh. Sure, his wrestling was fine, but fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have actually suited more. Decided to try some raspberry PepsiMax with the first day...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was a pretty good show! There were some highs and some lows, but nothing overly awful. I was able to embrace the hilarious part of the hilariously bad, and that really helped. The booking is just WWE personified; The Uso's and Charlotte Flair retained their titles over people the crowd love and an old retired guy beat a younger guy in the main event. but I guess that's their problem. They can book the worst shows ever and still make a billion dollars sending their failure of a network to Peacock AND steal back a wrestler who helped start their biggest rival promotion. Fuck it!
    6 out of 10