TROUBLE WALKIN' (1989)

Having retired from Kiss, Ace was finally able to follow his dreams and open his puppet theatre...

Oh hells the fuck yeah!

Ace returns on his own. Except this time he is packing a guitar case full of in your face rock'n roll. Maybe even a couple of guitar cases. And a drum case. Though really, those cases should be used for their intended design or it might void the warranty. He should just spend the dough and get some custom heavy duty road cases to carry all this rock'n roll...

The album opens with a blistering attack, with Shot Full of Rock. I'm telling you, Ace, that's not enough to contain all this rock. Then we get some sort of cover or something. I don't know and I don't care. All I care is that the song is awesome. And then it's Five Card Stud. Because he's Ace - get it? It is one of his greatest tracks, giving you a hard hitting account of how he will destroy you at gambling. Probably drinking and drugs, too. Not only is he a "five card stud", but he's also a six string legend. Such a legend that he then pulls out a new Paul Stanley song a couple of months before Kiss can even release their version!

Now Ace is Lost in Limbo. I'm lost in a sea of awesome rocking songs. I had read on some shows of his last tour that he actually opened with this song - I really wish he had performed it when I saw him live this year. But then again, that concert was so loud I could barely make anything out. Apart from that gorgeous girl dancing and singing along to Talk to Me like she was my soul mate or something. Next up is the title track, where Ace and Peter Criss declare they are Trouble Walkin'. For some reason, I used to think they were saying they HAD trouble walking. That would make for a totally different song...

Holy balls, I am enjoying this right now!

Shit gets heavy with 2 Young 2 Die. This has Richie Scarlet on lead vocals - the only song on the album that doesn't feature Ace on lead vocals. This was also the only song from this album they did at the concert. Pretty fitting track, especially with Ace and Peter singing the chorus. Peter has 9 lives. And hasn't made an album in years. He needs to go Back to School. HAHAHA oh that was a brilliant segue! I am incredible!

Things chill a little with a possibly live track, Remember Me. I say "possibly live" because I don't trust anyone in Kiss when it comes to crowd noise in a song. For all I know, it could have been recorded at a rehearsal in my bedroom and that's just me cheering in the background. Oh please let that be the case! On second thoughts, I don't remember it so please DON'T let that be the case...

Fractured III sends us out in typical 'fractured' style and I cry because not only is it one of the best of the series, but gawdam this album is awesome and now it is ending.


Highlights:
Almost every fucking song. EVERY FUCKING SONG

Lowlights:
A reminder that I will never see Ace Frehley live again and we are not actually friends in real life, even though we totally should be...



Verdict = 5 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a hearty thumbs up

SMASHES, THRASHES AND HITS (1988)

Kiss found themselves stranded in the mannequin graveyard...

Oh hey, another Kiss compilation!

This time we get two new songs: Let's Put the X in Sex is everything you expect from an 80s Kiss track where Paul Stanley is strutting around singing about making sweet love to some young woman, while (You Make Me) Rock Hard is... pretty much exactly the same.

Def Slam Poetry right here.

Then it's on to the 'hits'. Except most are remixed. Easily the worst version of Love Gun on the planet; like, it's Love Gun so it is still better than anything you or I will ever write (unless you are Ryan Adams or Brian May. In which case, "Hi!" and "ZOMG why are you reading this?!?!") but this remix makes it sound stupid. Almost as much as the remix of I Love It Loud makes it sound gutless and pathetic. I would really like to know what they were thinking with that one. Perhaps you can find out for me, Brian May?

Then comes the Deuce remix, which is even more bizarre. The 80s songs haven't been remixed at all, so Lick It Up and Heaven's on Fire sound just the same. They should have remixed those as well just for the fun of it; maybe add some phaser to the vocals, bit distortion and delay on the drums and then just add in some funk guitar. Because that wouldn't have been worse than what they are doing to the classic 70s tracks here. Oh, and then Eric Carr finally gets to do some vocals by making the most boring version of Beth possible. I'm not blaming him at all, but bah gawd what was the point of this album? Did people think this sounded cool in 1988? I've watched every episode of Miami Vice and I can safely answer that with a no.

I'm totally deleting these tracks out of my iTunes when I get home.


Highlights:
The songs that are awesome still being awesome

Lowlights:
Listening to awesome songs get ruined by stupid remixing



Verdict =  4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

SECOND SIGHTING (1988)

This close, they always look like landscape. But nope, you're looking at balls...

Oh, more Frehley's Comet?

Sure, why not?
Because this album is nowhere near as good as the first one?
Oh, that's probably a good reason not to... but then again, it is Ace Frehley so I will.

Insane is just typical Ace coolness. Driving rock with lyrics about being awesome. That's the stuff. Dancin' with Danger has some weird spacey guitar work going on that I can't describe. It's Over Now is such a classic 80s power ballad like you wouldn't believe. I'm sitting here with my lighter out, swaying it in the air and feeling the emotion in my ripped jeans.

I'd say more, but this album is fairly much the same thing over and over. Ace's songs are awesome and typically Ace. The other dude's songs vary between awesome and smelly old pants. And then it all ends with some really weird track where Ace discusses a pro-wrestling squirrel or something. Might have been the second UFC world champion after Mr. T retired, I can't quite work it out...


Highlights:
It's Over Now

Lowlights:
Fallen Angel, not enough Ace Frehely led tracks



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

LIVE +1 (1988)

Ace and the band pleaded with the lighting guy as he tried to melt the drummer...

This is just a quick little EP from Frehley's Comet, involving 4 live songs and a new studio track. The live tracks are good if you enjoy the original versions. Which I do. Though the 4 minute drum solo in Breakout seems a little excessive. Rocket Ride's extended guitar solo is not excessive in the slightest, however. The new studio track is Words Are Not Enough and it is great. Totally should have been in a great 80s movie, like Back to the Future or something.


Highlights:
Rocket Ride [Live], Words Are Not Enough

Lowlights:
Long ass drum solo for no reason



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

CRAZY NIGHTS (1987)

The Kiss mirror was recalled after complaints regarding reliability and vertical stability

Whoa!

After their first year off ever, Kiss are back! And even though most Kiss fans get all sad face about this album because it has keyboards and shit, I fucking love this album. Mainly because Crazy Crazy Nights is an absolute FUCK YEAH anthem and is the most classic Kiss song they've done since Love Gun. Speaking of which, Paul references it in Bang Bang You. Again with the emotional poetry. I actually considered counting how many songs on each album were just about sex, but that would have been futile, considering out the 725 songs I'm listening to I would venture to guess it numbers around 650.

Gene finally makes his arrival on this album at the fourth track. No wonder I like this album. Then he makes it a double with Hell or High Water, which is a really great song. Gene is at his best when he's not trying to do that cheesy 80s speed metal thing. Paul sings some super high stuff in My Way, which is in no way similar to the Frank Sinatra song. Aw man, I totally would have been keen for that. Perhaps he could do that on his next solo album? In fact, the next Kiss album should just be a cover album of old crooner hits. Who wouldn't want to hear Gene and Paul duet on Baby It's Cold Outside...

I have a live version of Reason to Live where Eric Carr sings the awesome high harmony in the chorus. I really like that version, for some weird reason. What's even weirder is someone throws a blanket or something and it hits Paul's mic stand. I mean, why would you bother throwing something like that? Not only could you injure a singer you've just paid to watch perform, but you also spent money on that blanket and now will never be able to use it again. Why don't people think before doing stupid shit at concerts? Oh yeah, the solo in this song is so ridiculous. I love Bruce Kulick, but Eddie Van Halen just died so he could join Mark St John in the afterlife and collectively shake their heads in disapproval, because shredding in a ballad is stupid. He plays a couple of 4 note licks during the last chorus and they are both infinitely better.

Turn On the Night is another 80s anthem where Paul makes you want to party. Where Gene sucked at 80s cheese stuff, Paul was tailor made for this. Then Gene ends it off with some stomping on Thief in the Night. Might not be the best Kiss album, but is probably the best one of the 80s. Perhaps Ace making awesome music again made Kiss step up their game and get back to making good music?


Highlights:
Crazy Crazy Nights, Reason to Live

Lowlights:
Knowing I don't have the guts to sing Bang Bang You to the hot temp at work wearing that tight dress today...



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up

FREHLEY'S COMET (1987)

The new Frehley's Comet from General Motors - available in your choice of red or blue sparkle...

Ace is back! And he told you so!!!

This time he's back with a new band, including some other dude singing lead on every second song. Ace's songs are generally better, though. Because Ace is better than everyone. Even you. Don't take it personally, it's just what he does.

Rock Soldiers is awesome and seems to just be a story of him getting high and crashing his car or something. Breakout is a track that originally started as a jam between Ace and Eric Carr. Why you would care is beyond me, but hey you are the one reading this. I probably am too. Into the Night is also awesome and features some really great lead work from Ace. Like that's new...

Calling to You sounds like it should be in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure or something. That's an awesome movie. Dolls is some strange song about how much Ace likes dolls. I'm guessing he means actual real women in general or something and not Victorian dolls. For some reason I am now picturing him sitting in an old cottage having a tea party with some Cabbage Patch Kids...

Ace then regales us with what it's like being a spaceman on Earth in Stranger in a Strange Land, before Fractured Too and then hits his rocket blasters back to outer space. Or wherever he has been since Music from 'The Elder'.

We've missed you, Ace!!!


Highlights:
Rock Soldiers, Into the Night

Lowlights:
Ace not turning dolls into a garbage pail kids tribute song



Verdict = 4  Smoking Les Paul Guitars

ASYLUM (1985)

New Kiss lipstick! Available in 4 popular colours...

Woooo wooooo yeeeaaah!

That's my language for 80s singing and screaming. Because that sums up this album fairly nicely. And I dig it. King of the Mountain, despite its attempts to do some 80s thrashing, is actually a really cool rockin' opener. Anyway You Slice It is a fun Gene stomper and Who Wants to Be Lonely? is one of those 80s tracks with the sad lyrics but isn't sad at all musically. By Prime, I make no sense sometimes. I blame Bruce Kulick and his insanely good guitaring. Trial By Fire is OK, though kinda goes nowhere and Gene sings like he sucks again. I'm such a positive guy, considering I'd still give that song solid 6 out of 10. Paul Stanley comes back to thrashing things up with I'm Alive. I originally mistyped that as I'm Alice - that would have been an incredibly awkward song. Especially when you put it next to that classic Smokie song Living Next Door to Alice; now all I can imagine is they are singing about Paul Stanley moving away and them being really sad. I'd be sad too. Would be hard to get used to not hearing his screaming every morning. From now on, when people sing it at the pub with the whole "Alice! Alice! Who the fuck is Alice?" I'm going to loudly respond with "PAUL STANLEY!".

Oh yay! Gene decided the album was too different from the last two so gives us Love's a Deadly Weapon which sounds like almost every song off Lick It Up and Animalize. Except for the good ones. Tears Are Falling is an awesome song. I especially love the music video where Bruce Kulick performs his guitar solo under a shower and Paul Stanley makes windscreen wiping motions over his eyes. Get it? Because the line "Looks like it's raining" is a metaphor for crying. How poetical. Dude should be hitting Def Poetry Slam with this shit.

The rest of the album is super rockin' typical 80s Kiss styles. Which I like. I also like to make fun of it.


Highlights:
Tears Are Falling

Lowlights:
Love's a Deadly Weapon, Paul Stanley not being Alice



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a thumbs up