Deep Fried Chicken

Driving with Rochelle a few weeks back, 'Drops of Jupiter' came on the radio. I admit straight away that while there are aspects of the song I enjoy (it is quite catchy), I am not really a fan of the song. I think it is the songwriter in me that finds the ongoing melody in the chorus a little... crammed in. It's something I often accuse Alanis Morrisette of - only she pulls it off, i.e. 'Unsent'. But regardless of this, I was still having a nice little sing-along...

Until we reached the bridge, where I finally heard the stupidest line possible:

"Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken"

I suddenly burst into hysterics and decided they should give back their Grammy for Songwriting (which I never agreed with anyway). In fact, I was ready to write a huge rant about how ridiculous a line that is, and that "fried" and "chicken" should never be used in any sort of song unless it's the KFC theme... but then last night, another song was brought to my attention. While rocking my socks off in the car (complete with mad air guitar and air drumming) to 'One Vision' by Queen, the song came to its fantastic ending and sparked this interesting conversation:

Rochelle: "Did he just say "fried chicken"?
Logan: "Yes he did"
Rochelle: "Aren't those the two words you said should NEVER be used as song lyrics???"

I found I had no real argument there. Yes, that is what I have previously stated. And yes, I do still stick to that claim - I feel they are stupid words and should not be used as song lyrics. But I forgot about 'One Vision' - it is possibly one of my favourite rock songs ever. I remember much of my childhood doing things to that song, watching the video and it's pure 80's cliche` coolness, and Freddie Mercury punching towards the camera just as he sings "fried chicken!" in full harmonies , and I have never had a problem with it being used there.

So I guess the answer is this; Train are dumb. Queen are awesome. End of story

And because I know Jeremy is going to use his usual argument about how I don't care about lyrics and stuff, I would like to say that I have known every word of that song for 20 years now. I can't help it if Queen just make every word sound cool.

And speaking of bad lyrics... I tried listening to Anberlin again last week, but their lyrics are just soooo cringe-worthy. I think 'A Day Late' has the coolest hook (although it is missing that cool vocal thing that I add in everytime), but the lyrics are terrible. Reminds me of some high school band singing songs about t-shirts and books. In fact, I'm willing to go on record stating that I think the lyrics in any Hilary Duff song have more substance... although 'Suburbia' by Fast Crew still sits high on the "Lyrics Are So Bad I Fear I May Laugh So Hard That I Throw Up On My Own Shoes Or Just Shoot My Radio Everytime It Comes On And Then Write An Angry Letter To My Local MP To Have It Removed From Our Airwaves And Get More Radio Time For People With Talent That Don't Try To Rap With The Skill Of A Mentally Challenged Old Lady Stuck In A Small Suitcase And Quickly Losing Control Over Her Bodily Functions Due To Lack Of Oxygen And The Fear Of Being Eaten Alive By A Giant Mushroom" list.* Seriously, rapping about how tough life is in white middle-class surburbia makes about as much sense as Lee Ryan from Blue saying he is tougher than 50 Cent


* Fergie would most likely top this list, but I have never found the stamina to listen to more than 1 or 2 lines of her before losing my mind and plugging my ears with ravenous wilderbeasts


I think it should be mandatory for anyone wanting to write a song to first listen to Abbey Road, Revolver & Rubber Soul. Maybe then I won't have to hear songs ruined by inane lyrical content, or have people try and tell me the dude from Switchfoot is the best lyricist ever just because he can rhyme success with excess. Yes that takes talent... must've studied the Rhyming Becktionary all night to come up with that one

I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall

LOGMAN Saves the Day Yet Again

I was going to post this on Jeremy's MySpace for his 200th post, but some crazy kid beat me to it. And while this is completely stupid and makes Cool As Ice seem like a great story, I did just waste my valuable work time writing it.

So here it is. Prepare yourself for the brain cells you are about to lose:


Once upon a time, in a land far away… where the fairies from the North roamed freely across the wild plains of the west… there lived a young badger by the name of Jerry.

Now Jerry was no ordinary badger; he was, in fact, the best friend of toad named Willis, who just happened to live next door to the brother of a girl who once danced in a club with a guy who claimed to have seen the shadow of the one and only LOGMAN!!!

One afternoon while carefully arranging his Transformer collection by colour, LOGMAN heard a call of distress in the distance. He quickly put on his strongest pair of Chucks and leaped out the door… but not before making sure Grimlock was in a stable standing position – the last thing any superhero wants to come home to after fighting evil is a fallen Dinobot!

So off LOGMAN went, over the hills and far away, to battle the evil that was disturbing his day. He came to an abandoned warehouse, where he found a small fridge being held captive by his arch-nemesis – the evil Sgt. Tunnel-Vision!

"Sgt, Tunnel-Vision, your bad ways are over!" LOGMAN stated
"Oh-no, it's LOGMAN!" said the fearful Sgt. Tunnel-Vision. "He'll ruin my plans again!"
"Hurrah! LOGMAN has come to save me!" shouted the fridge with glee

LOGMAN quickly swooped down and released the fridge from the clutches of the evil Sgt. Tunnel-Vision, and it ran home as fast as it could. LOGMAN turned to the Sgt., just as he was trying to make a sneaky escape…

"Not so fast, you evil-doer of evil!" LOGMAN shouted, and he grabbed the Sgt.
"Please, oh please!' pleaded Sgt. Tunnel-Vision. 'Don't hurt me."
"I'm not going to hurt you…' stated our hero. 'But do you want to come over to my place and play Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur? It's really not as fun on my own."
"Hmmmm…' our villain pondered. 'Can I be yellow? I feel it is the most evil of colours"
"Of course you can.' LOGMAN replied, and they both headed back to LOGMAN's home where they played all afternoon until Sgt. Tunnel-Vision's mother called him home for dinner

THE END

I Am Not Rod Stewart

So this morning I follow my usual thing of getting on the bus to go to work... haven't done anything different or looking unusual in any way (well no more than usual). And as I get on the bus, the bus driver says this:

"Here he is - Rod Stewart!"

???!!?

Really, I've been called many things in my time: Log, Logman, punk, dude, geek, who-dikky... but Rod Stewart????

I must admit, he isn't the first person I think of when I see myself in the mirror, but hey what do I know? Do I drive a bus? So let's do a little comparison

So let's start at the top - the hair. Granted, mine isn't usually that neat. But still, I have straight black hair, permanently styled. Rod's hair is a big crazy blonde mess. And sometimes I wonder if he even knows what a brush looks like... Now I'm no colour expert, but I don't think that our hair would look the same colour even if the world was coloured in sepia for the day

Next - the eyes. Logan = big blue eyes (yes I am that hot!). Rod = small brown/hazel eyes. Add the obvious things like my dark eyebrows (compared to Rod's blonde) and the huge dark bags under my eyes...

Then there is the nose. Granted, we do both have big annoying noses. But upon closer inspection...

mine is clearly wider at the bottom, and is broken the other way. Come on man, pay attention!!

The mouth... who cares. I think he has a bigger mouth, and I would assume that I have better teeth (he is British after all). I think the main thing we can all see is the rather obvious mole building a fortress next to his lips

Maybe I missed that when I was shaving this morning... but I would imagine something like that would beat my razor into submission as it went over

And we do both look sharp in our snazzy suits, so this calls for one last test: how do we compare with our shirts off???

Uncanny...

WOW!! Well done Mr. Bus Driver. That is the best celebrity comparison I have ever had! The way you managed to look through all the obvious physical differences and see just how much I look like a beautiful 61 year-old singer must be a God-given gift. Now all I need is the dumb blonde floozy on my arm and the look will be complete

Crimes Against Music

During one of my random journeys through the vast information wasteland that is the internet, I stumbled upon this amusing album cover;

Yes it is as scary as it looks Macho Man Randy Savage has released an album. But not just any album, no sirree-bob a rap album!

For those of you lucky enough to not know who this madman playing with chains is, Macho Man Randy Savage was a wrestler in the WWF in the 80s. He was known for his madness, not to mention saying OHHHHHH YEEEAAAAAHHH!! a hell of a lot.

After a quick listen to some of the tracks (what can I say, my curiosity was peaked), I can say without a doubt that Macho Man has got it going on! I didnt really think that a 50 year-old white guy could really teach me more about rap music, but his mad M.C. skills really get the party moving. Its like hes taken all that charisma and crystal clear dialect that he used in the ring, and put it into 14 songs to make the baddest rap album on the planet!

Naturally, I could not find an online cd store that still had it in stock it is obviously so popular with hip-hop fans worldwide, that it has sold out. I hope more copies can be found, as I plan on spending every waking moment listening to this album. Time spent doing otherwise should be seen as wasted time if you see anyone doing anything other than listening to this album, thats NOT ME!

All the songs have HIT written all over them from Feel The Madness, to Macho Thang, through to Hit The Floor with DJ Kool (one that Macho Man states is strictly for the clubs.). But the real treat is the title track Be A Man, where he challenges none other than Hulk Hogan to a fight, claiming he is a chump and will wash his mouth out with soap. Tough words there, Macho. I wonder how the Hulkster would respond...




Well, no need to worry it seems the powers of Hulkamania have helped to produce this classic album:

Now, this rare gem was made quite a few years ago so it isnt exactly a response to Macho Man, but judging by the cover, it looks like it has as much attitude as Macho's Be A Man, although I must admit I do prefer the cover for the limited edition:


QUICK To the HULK-Mobile!!

With song titles like Hulkster's In The House, I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac, Hulk's The One and Hulk Rules, you wouldnt expect anything but the best music Hulkamania has to offer. Sadly, I have never heard anything from this album, and not surprisingly like Macho Man's it is no longer in stock. But I thought I would pass on a review I read:

Some say that the Hulkster should have made this album in 1985 instead of 1995, but it is plain to see that with all the synthesizers used in the creation of this jewel, it should have been produced in 2015. I truly believe that Hulk Hogan has the power to #1: defend my freedom (if I truly believe) #2: "Hang, Bang, and Turn it on." (at the beach) and finally #3 I believe that if I pray for them, one of these days I too will have 24 inch pythons. Hulk Hogans success just seems to keep rising, and at the rate the Hulkster is going he will probably be the guiding force of all God's creations.

"The prayers we said together, are still my guarantee." -Hulk Hogan

And for those trivia buffs who are as curious as myself, one of the members of The Wrestling Boot Band is a Mr. Jimmy Hart a former wrestling manager and Hulk's very own wife sings backing vocals. Talk about a depth of musical talent on one album! I am willing to bet this album is as poignant as those classic Hulk movies Mr. Nanny and Santa With Muscles.

I think the truly exciting thing here, is that this could be just the beginning! Why should wrestlers stop at albums? This is what I really want to see

He already has the mask. And with enough steroids, I think he could probably do the entire show in one breath and without blinking.

And LOGMAN Takes On Blogger!

This was just a blog from my MySpace which I wrote when first setting up my new Blogger. I felt the need to move it over here, because I did some typical Logan-style bashing of a TV show

So as some of you may have noticed, I have deleted a couple of old Blogs. This is because MySpace's Blog thing is dumb and wouldn't bring up my old ones (which is especially annoying if you had never read my award winning* blog called Crimes Against Music). So luckily the first 2 are back up there so you can read about the pain of the Miami Vice movie whenever you like

Unless you are blind. In which case, you won't see me pulling faces at you right now

That's right - right now!

Back to the story...

Funnily enough, the plan to write a weekly blog of humour for you all has been thwarted, due to my unexpected trip to Brisbane last year. I tell you, I'll be having a strong talk with my brother about timing...

And I've been trying to find the time, but as you can tell from my new profile pic, my spare time is being used much more wisely: lots of photo tampering (I have an obsession with giving people the same face paint as the Ultimate Warrior. I think I may post some if anyone is interested) and watching Boston Legal. Which reminds me; what's the deal with that show? The first few episodes were pretty good, and I was successfully hooked, but it seems that since Candice Bergen joined the cast it all of a sudden got all political. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for political discussion. But I can't stand it when a show compromises being funny to try and give the viewer a message. That's what Sesame Street is for! And I probably wouldn't mind so much, but all the messages seem to involve America being the greatest nation in the universe.

Yeah, because we don't hear that much anywhere else

It's a typical American thing to do in television to make the show more "intelligent", but really smart comedies don't need to make these blatant - and painfully stupid - story angles. It reminds of MASH... and Murphy Brown. Wait a minute - Candice Bergen was Murphy Brown! And now that we're on the subject, she wasn't exactly very good when she guest starred on The Muppet Show. Right, we need to keep her off TV from here on. Maybe Denny Crane could rip off his suit to reveal his Star Trek uniform underneath, then grab his communicator and say "Mr. Scott... open the space hatch to dispose... of this... intruder!" and then a hatch opens and she gets sucked into the deep void of space. And Alan can reveal he is really from the planet Vulcan... and then their office building transforms into a giant spaceship... and then Denny Crane turns to Optimus Prime and says "Optimus... we need to find... some energon... before it's too late" to which Optimus Prime replies "I know, Denny. My warning diodes are pulsating - this is a mission to save the world" and then bring on the big music... maybe the glam rock version of The Transformers theme that they used for the movie

That would make a great show

*Crimes Against Music received the Logan Gilchrist Excellence Award in 2006 for its Achievements in Excellence, making it the most excellent blog you have ever seen!