Russell Crowe + Ridley Scott = Retarded

I have respect for Ridley Scott; the man has done some great sci-fi films.

Unfortunately for him, Robin Hood is not a science fiction character.

I just finished reading this interesting interview with Ridley Scott. And by interesting, I mean not really; it's basically the usual yawn-ish arrogance from a Hollywood director, who is then asked about the upcoming production of Robin Hood (original title there). Now my gripe with this film since I first heard about it was of course that the awesome Russell Crowe was cast as Robin himself. I don't think I've liked Crowe in anything since he did that budget Australian film where he played a gay man that put his life on hold to look after his sick father (I can't remember the name right now. Sue me. Or disconnect my internet - just say I have infringed on your copyright and laugh all the way home. Unless you are already home; then just laugh your way to the couch or something)... where the hell was I? Oh yeah - I can't stand Russell Crowe. I don't even begin to understand the stupidity of casting the man as Robin Hood - it's actually making Kevin Costner look good right now. When he was supposed to be doing both parts, I did kind of see him as the Sheriff of Nottingham, but oh well...

But now Ridley Scott is saying crazy stuff like: '“Robin Hood is in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion,” he said of how we’ll find the character early in the film “He is a bowman in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion.”' And then there is that whole thing about the French being the villains...

So not only is this rogue a big ugly doofus, but he's in the army? And battling the French? Even a 5 year-old with access to Wikipedia could tell him that stories of Robin Hood actually show him to be from around the 14th or 15th Century - despite Scott going on to give us a history lesson that shows he about as much understanding of this era as Oliver Stone does of Alexander the Great, meaning they've probably read the same encyclopedia written by Donald Rumsfeld (you know, the one that also omits how the US were responsible for putting their dreaded nemesis Saddam Hussein in power in the first place. They didn't realise he wasn't a REAL American!)

Considering the awesomeness that this movie will possess, here some others they could cast to take the film to that 'blockbuster' position that it deserves:



Scott 'Big Poppa Pump' Steiner as 'Little' John

It's been a while since he of the negative percent body-fat has appeared on my blog, but who better to play the role of Robin's right-hand man? I can just hear him shouting at Robin now - "ROBIN HOOD! YOU 'N ME... GONNA GIT THIS RICH BASTARDS... AND GO FOR SOME ACTION WITH... WITH MAH FREEK, MAID MARION... HOLL A IF YA HEAR ME!!!" Plus he has his own medieval head-dress already.
And he hates France

Ben Stein as Friar Tuck

With Ridley Scott's blistering historical knowledge, he will be looking to cast this film in the most accurate manner. And what says 'Friar' better than a weedy old Jewish creationist who used to write speeches for Richard Nixon?

Hood?... Hood?... Hood?...

Judge Dredd as The Sheriff of Nottingham

The role may be a lot less important to Ridley Scott, but he will still need to be an authoritative character nonetheless, and Judge Dredd has authority stamped all over his helmet (it's on the inside - that's why you can't see it). Plus his outfit is weird - just a like French person! Probably gets all the ladies too, the bastard...

See?
You don't need to be a Hollywood director to make a movie look stupid.