1 April 2023
So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA
Attendance: 67,303
Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves
My thoughts before this viewing:
I have only just started watching WCW in 1998, so what better time for a trip to 25 years in the future (or one year in the past) and watch last year's WrestleMania? Cody Rhodes is here to follow his Father's dream... of losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, or something. And that's about all I know. And I care about even less. But, it is Good Friday so let's watch some WrestleMania and make it a Bad Friday...
NIGHT ONE
America The Beautiful
Becky G is here to sing the song today. She once did a cool song with J-Hope. This is not that song.
5/10
Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is our host? Oh, no - he is just presenting this video. WrestleMania is a Once Upon a Time in Hollywood story... which makes no sense, as the first WrestleMania was in New York and Titan's offices are in Connecticut. Maybe Quentin Tarantino is directing this? It's WrestleMania Hollywood again, so the wrestlers have filmed a bunch of classic movie scenes to show off their terrible acting skills again. Fucking kill me now. Bahahahah Kevin Hart says this show has star power "like Austin Theory" - a guy with all the star power of a door knob in Cornwall.
2/10
Michael Cole welcomes us and aaaaahhhhh fuck The Miz is hosting with Snoop Dogg. Fucking kill me again.
Opening Match
WWE US Championship
John Cena vs Austin Theory (c)
John Cena makes wishes come true for lots of children. Not sure what that has to do with this match; did he refuse to grant Theory's wish? Is Theory uncomfortable with how much WWE like to exploit these sick children? For example, having a bunch of kids on stage for John Cena's introduction. None of them are wearing John Cena t-shirts; in fact, one of them is dressed in a Hulk fucking Hogan costume.
Gosh, Cena is going bald! Theory bites him a few times and Graves writes it off to the referee being lenient because it is WrestleMania. He also thinks there is a possibility that John Cena wins and becomes the US Champion. Of course there is a referee bump and John Cena thinks he has won the match, which means he doesn't.
Winner = Austin Theory via pinfall following some variation of the F5 but with a dumber name
5/10
HHH thinks him in a private plane has everything to do with being a wrestler in a video game.
Shoosh have a chocolate bar.
WWE Shop with the evergreen ugly clothing. This year's WrestleMania special is free shipping? Cheap bastards.
This year's theme song is AGAIN a shitty song from The Weeknd. Might even be the same shitty song, for all I know. His music sounds like the most generic background music for department stores.
We've had one match and it's already time for the Highlight of the Night? Is it one of the 76 advertisements? Oh, it is something that took place on another show - so it has nothing to do with WrestleMania.
"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy vs Braun Strowman & Ricohet vs The Viking Raiders (w/Valhalla)
For a moment, I thought The Viking Raiders had the Pepsi logo on their gear. One benefit of posting last year's WrestleMania bLog was that I am coming in to this match actually knowing who Alpha Academy are this time! But still not The Viking Raiders and their non-Pepsi sponsored gear. The Street Profits are still cool. It's crazy that they are never the champions, yet The Usos are always the champions at WrestleMania and have about a 1/5th of the charisma. Strowman runs around the ring doing the worst shoulder tackles I've ever seen. I should add that Titus O'Neal has joined the commentary team for this match and he seems to be channeling Dusty Rhodes. Which makes him the best commentator this company has had in about 20 years. And The Street Profits are still cool.
Winners = The Street Profits via pinfall following cool stuff
6/10
We get some sort of recap of Brock Lesnar's wikpedia page career history. Because tomorrow night Brock Lesnar takes on Omos? Oh, shit - why did I wait a year to watch this?!? Omos is now being billed as 7'3". I'm sure when he first appeared they were billing him as 8 foot or something.
Xavier Woods is backstage with nerds and wrestlers not worthy of a match at WrestleMania. They are running sims on the new WWE video game. But which platform? I want to make fun of this, but I'll take it over more of The Miz.
Video Package
Oh fuck off.
3/10
Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul
Logan Paul copies the Shawn Michaels entrance from WrestleMania XII, except slower and way more lame. Rollins has a conductor to lead the crowd in some chanting or some bullshit, and for the only time in my life I can relate to Logan Paul.
Fuck this. I'm not writing about these turds today.
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following a curb stomp
4/10
Oh there is a WWE Biography show on Dusty Rhodes? Guess what I'll be watching after this bullshit...
Big E can't decide between a Snickers or a Snickers... or a Snickers.
Video Package
Bayley has new friends. Walmart Lady GaGa still sucks and is teaming with older more talented women.
3/10
Becky Lynch, Lita & Trish Stratus vs Damage Ctrl (Bayley, Io Sky and Dakota Kai)
The good team get some kind of wannabe comicbook-style entrance video. Big Time Becks would be a terrible superhero name. This match is pretty much Damage Ctrl beating on Lynch for a while, until Lita gets the tag and it becomes obvious why Lynch was taking most of the match. Stuff happens and everyone hits their finishing maneuvers.
Winners = Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita via pinfall following something by Becky Lynch that I big time don't care about
5/10
Tomorrow night, Asuka will continue to lose at WrestleMania.
Video Package
Rey Mysterio loves his family, but his son Dominik fell in with a bad crowd and went to jail. They are wrestlers, so Rey should take some of the blame here... Anyways, Dominik did hard time (a whole night?) and that has changed him. He clearly gets his height from Mrs Mysterio, Jr. Rey refused to fight his own son until Dominik... told his Mother... to shut up!
6/10
Bad Bunny is joining the Spanish commentary team. Michael Cole claims this show is a sell out of around 70,000 people, but there sure are a lot of empty seats out there. The hot dog stands must be super busy or something...
Is this supposed to be footage of Dominik in prison? And now he's arriving in a police van, so he is coming direct from prison? Why was he there this time? And why is he now wearing a jacket and mask that he wasn't wearing in the video?
Michael Cole: "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed". I appreciate the effort, but you also watched the previous 20-something WrestleManias, so I don't think that is true.
Rey Mysterio vs Dominik Mysterio
Cole claims that Dominik "hasn't earned the right to wear a lucha mask". Yeah - he hasn't eaten the 1kg burrito at Mad Mex! Snoop Dogg is driving Rey to the ring in a Cadillac. To Eddie Guerrero's WWE theme. Just keep on milking it, guys... I've just finished watching 1997 WCW, which is Rey Misterio Jr. at the peak of his career. This is not that. A lot of back and forth, and then back and forth some more. Their family are ringside, so there is family drama. Then more back and forth. Dominik's bad friends come out to help him, so some other dudes in LWO shirts come out to help Rey. Seriously? L fucking W fucking O? I'm about a year away from Eddie Guerrero starting that in WCW, but seriously, are these people just completely devoid of all creativity? Dominik with the slowest 619 I may have ever seen. Honestly, I feel sorry for this kid; when his Dad was his age, he was already a multi-time WCW Cruiserweight champion and had had numerous 5-star matches. And had even lost his mask! In fairness, he had also been a pro for like ten years already as well, but there is no reason Dominik couldn't have learned from his Father and started younger. And gotten better.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following a splash
6/10
A group of children were lied to and they had to hang out with The Miz. So torturing regular children is okay, so long as you grant some wishes for sick kids?
Bad Bunny will host the next WWE show that I will never watch.
Why would I care about some people watching this show in Germany at 4am? Did I need to know that Germans are wacky?
Video Package
Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble and challenged Charlotte Flair. Didn't that already happen a couple of years ago? Again, nothing original going on here...
2/10
Smackdown Women's Championship
Rhea Ripley vs Charlotte Flair (c)
I think Michael Cole just claimed that Charlotte Flair has more wins at WrestleMania than anyone else in history? Perhaps he meant to say women only? Because Hulk Hogan has won more times than Flair has even appeared. And The Undertaker went like 21-0 or something. Coles mentions something about the "75,000 people in attendance" and I'm impressed the crowd has somehow grown in the last hour. There must be a massive queue for the bathrooms! Maybe there will be 150,000 people buying drinks by the end of the night! Charlotte Flair is 10 years younger than Trish Stratus. Charlotte Flair looks at least 10 years older than Trish Stratus.
Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following a top-rope Rip Tide
4/10
Michael Cole and Corey Graves say this was the greatest match ever. Uhh sure whatever, dudes.
Tomorrow some dudes want to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Cool.
The Miz announces the attendance has grown even further to reach 80,000! Wow, who would have believed it... He claims he put out an "open challenge" on social media, because he's the toughest man in the building. Dude, you're not even the toughest man in the front row. Pat McAfee comes out and says he couldn't find The Miz's "open challenge" on any of the social media sites, but forgets to list MySpace like a rookie. Cole claims McAfee is undefeated; pretty sure he lost to that old POS and it was embarrassing. Fuckhead. McAfee challenges The Miz to a match because this fucking show hasn't been boring enough. Cole is so excited it's like someone offered him free ice cream for life. McAfee starts a "tiny balls" chant at The Miz. Wait - Snoop Dogg has some WWE belt? And he has the power to make this match official?
Pat McAfee vs The Miz
Corey Graves hates Pat McAfee for some reason. Which is fine, because I hate Corey Graves for all the reasons. The Miz comes off the top rope into a superkick. Some famous guy I don't know - likely sports - attacks The Miz and McAfee doesn't get disqualified. Nice of the Mysterios to give up their seats so this dude could have a whole little section to himself. The crowd give zero fucks about him or this match or any of this.
Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall following a punt
5/10
The Miz got in zero offence, so maybe this was match of the night...
WrestleMania next year will be in Philadelphia. Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa has got to be making an appearance, right?
They run down the card for tomorrow's (tonight's?) card. Legit looks a million times more interesting than night one.
More advertisements encouraging people to bet on WWE matches. Gambling is bad, yo! And betting on a TV show seems particularly lame.
Video Package
Sami Zayn used to hang out with The Bloodline, which meant he couldn't be friends with Kevin Owens Mac - even though they stopped being friends a couple of WrestleManias ago? But then Zayn turned on The Bloodline to be friends with Kevin Owens Mac again? Cue teen drama music and dialogue about friendships and family (and I mean this literally). It's all kinds of pathetic. BUT at least these fucks are actually using the video packages to tell viewers why the match is happening!
6/10
Musical Performance
Lil' Uzi Vert sounds like a shitty drink from Starbucks. This loser sure ain't no King of Rock.
1/10
Do the safety dance, but not your taxes?
These shitburgers got paid a billion dollars and still fill this fucking show with all the advertisements...
Main Event
Undisputed WWE Tag-Team Championship
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos (c)
As always, it is WrestleMania and The Usos are tag-team champions. Nothing original. Cole says they have been champions for almost two years now. I find it hard to believe much of what that clown says, but let's pretend for a moment that he is actually correct for once; that would mean The Bloodline have held two world championships and two tag-team championships for two years. Why?? It seems unnecessary. The Hart Foundation were an infinitely better faction and when they held a bunch of titles it was only for a few months. And they held more, because they were better. Usos beat down Zayn to start. And continue. And continue some more.
Winners = Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac via pinfall following 3 haloumi kicks from Sami Zayn
7/10
New champions!
Pyro and celebrations and highlights of everything I just had to watch and see you tomorrow! Or in an hour!
WrestleMania XXXIX - Night One: The Awards
- Best Match
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos
Good match and storytelling for once. Well worked. And everything else on this show was all sorts of boring. - Worst Match
Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul.
Rollins was slow and Paul is green as boogers. And even more unlikeable. And this just felt like a big commercial for all his brands. Don't buy his shit. - Highlight of the Show
Not a whole lot... my hot cross buns?. - Lowlight of the Show
The Miz as host. Although, I suppose that was better than him wrestling. But he went and did that, too... - Star of the Show
John Cena? - Best Celebrity Appearance
Snoop Dogg for doing very little and earning a WWE title belt or something. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Lil' Uzi Nerd and his autotune pedal. That dude is garbage and if you like his music you need to have your spotify account cancelled. - Tonight's Meal
It's early, so I kicked things off with breakfast wraps for brunch; hummus, eggs. spinach, sautéed mushrooms in a low carb spinach wrap. I thought maybe it was too early for Pepsi, so I had some classic 7up Light. But by the time Charlotte Flair hit my TV screen, I was reaching for the Pepsi-Max with Raspberry. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I did not spill a thing! Well, I actually did, but it didn't leave any stains. My Hart Foundation hockey jersey is safe. For now... - Overall Score
Holy zombie Jeebus on his holy day was that one boring fucking show. Admittedly, the super bad was limited, but I just didn't give a fuck about anything happening and none of it was good enough to change my mind. The matches were all kinds of mediocre and these 'superstars' just have zero charisma. Hilariously, I had considered watching WCW Souled Out 1998 before this show and I think that would have made things so much worse; going from Bret Hart vs Ric Flair to the fucking Alpha Academy and Austin Theory would have had me going to church or something. I would like to say this was not the worst WrestleMania ever, but when I consider the fact this was twice as long as what I consider to be the worst WrestleMania, well... fuck this show.
3 out of 10
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