The Vince McMahon Guide to Social Behaviour

Last week, WWF (yes I still refuse to call it WWE) Chairman & former owner Vince McMahon received an honorary doctorate from Sacred Heart University. Now I will admit that at first I really did not care about this at all - as I'm sure most people don't. However, two things were brought to my attention:
1. Sacred Heart University is a Catholic institution.
2. Sacred Heart’s mission statement encourages a “responsibility for the common good of society.”

Think about that for a minute... then think about the sort of images that are shown on WWF programming every week; violence, steroid abusing athletes, and half naked women

Yes, that's good television for society.

So I thought it might be a great idea to take a little look at some of Vince McMahon Jr's greatest accomplishments that may have attributed to him receiving an honorary Doctor of Human Letters degree from an institution that promotes morals in society and is founded in the Laws of God.

Steroid Distribution
In 1994, Vince was put on trial for allegedly distributing steroids to his athletes in both WWF and WBF (World Bodybuilding Federation - don't worry, that only lasted a few months before going out of business). He admitted to taking steroids himself, as did most of the prosecution's witness' (including Hulk Hogan), but was later acquitted of the charges.

Sexual Harassment #1
Before I start this one, I must also point out that Vince has admitted to having numerous affairs on his wife...
In 2006, a young woman working in a bar in Florida claimed Vince "groped her and harassed her." No charges were filed by police.

Sexual Harassment #2
In 1999, former WWF "Diva" Rena Mero (a.k.a Sable) brought a lawsuit against Vince and WWF, claiming unsafe working conditions and sexual harassment. In one article, she claimed that Vince was pushing for her to reveal her breasts on television against her will. After this lawsuit was settled out of court, Vince made a point to include a 'No Harassment Clause' in all employees’ contracts, so as to avoid any further situations like that.

McMahonism
In 2006, Vince McMahon booked one of the most ridiculous angles in pro-wrestling. They had been exploiting Shawn Michaels' recent conversion to Christianity with his prayers before matches and crucifixes on his ring attire. Then for a Pay-per View match in April 2006, Vince booked himself and his son to compete against Shawn Michaels in a tag-team match. Shawn's partner? GOD

Of course, God did not show up, and Shawn Michaels lost the match. So Vince then went on to claim that he beat God - and was therefore greater than God - and would start his own religion called McMahonism.

To this day, I'm hopeful that he remains the only member of the congregation.

Rape
Rita Chatterton, a former referee in the WWF during the 80's, claims that on July 16, 1986 McMahon tried to force her to perform oral sex on him in his limousine and, after she refused, subjected her to rape. McMahon was not charged with any offense relating to the alleged incident, the criminal statute of litigations having passed.

The Montreal Screwjob
OK this one isn't really that bad, but I personally have a problem with it (and I will be brief, as I will be writing something more in-depth in the near future). Bret Hart - who had worked for the WWF for almost 15 years and had a very close personal relationship with Vince himself - was leaving in around a month to work for WCW (the details on why he was leaving are very complex. He was signed for 20 years, but Vince wanted out so asked him to go). However, as he was the champion at the time, he needed to lose the title before leaving. Bret had a clause in his contract stating that he and Vince had to agree on all decisions regarding his character for the final 30 days of his employment.

The problem was, Vince wanted Bret to lose the belt to Shawn Michaels, whom Bret legitimately dislikes, and in Canada - his home country, and where he was considered a national icon. Bret refused and offered to drop the title to anyone else; just not Shawn Michaels, and not in Canada.

The match went ahead, with both Bret and Vince agreeing beforehand that Shawn would not win and Bret would drop the title to someone else the next night (I have the conversation on video - was recorded in a documentary), and leave the WWF at the end of the month (this was November 9th, 1997). Alas, Bret got put in his own submission hold - it was part of the plan for the match - and before he could reverse it, the referee called for the bell, claming Bret had submitted and therefore making him lose the match - and the title - to Shawn Michaels. The fans booed, and Bret was pretty pissed.

But instead of taking him to court over a breach of contract (which I'm pretty sure he could have), Bret did the honourable thing; he spat in Vince's face before leaving the ring, smashed a few monitors on his way backstage, and when Vince finally came out of his office after the show, gave him a nice punch in the face, resulting in a fractured jaw and a concussion for Vince McMahon.

While that was much longer than I had planned, it's still very abridged. I will write more on it at a later date.

And finally...
Manslaughter
And if you thought Bret Hart hated Vince McMahon enough already...
On May 23rd 1999, at a Pay-per View event, Owen Hart (Bret Hart's younger brother) was being lowered to the ring as part of a skit before his match. The idea was that he was to get stuck just above the mat, release himself from the harness and fall flat on his face. Unfortunately, the quick release was triggered very early and Owen fell 78 feet, hitting his chest on the top turnbuckle and falling into the ring. He died a short time later.

However, the event continued. I guess Vince McMahon did not want to have to refund all that money he was making.

Owen's widow launched a lawsuit against Vince and the WWF (notice a trend here?), as there were no safety backups for the stunt and the harness used was designed for sailboats, and required only 6 pounds of weight to trigger the quick release function (Owen weighed around 220 pounds). The issue was settled out of court and one of the conditions was that no further information would be released about the safety harness used.


So there you have it, kids. If you want to get a degree, don't bother with all this 'learning' or 'education'; just make yourself lots of money and do whatever the heck you want, and then some stupid institute will just give you one because it looks cool. Any suggestions for next year's recipients? I'm thinking a good Catholic school that promotes behaviour for the good of society must honour someone like Donald Rumsfeld with some sort of peace prize, or maybe a posthumous humanitarian award to Richard Nixon?

My Work Bio

We had to fill these in at work for some sort of 'Employee Appreciation' thing at the next shareholders meeting. I thought it might be interesting to fill it out with complete honesty:

What do you do for the company?
Waste its money as it continues to pay me wages and pay for travel expenses

What do you like most about your work?
Spending all day reading WCW Nitro reports and keeping my MySpace up to date

What were you doing before coming to work for Port Blakely?
Working part-time in a cafe and using my spare time much more wisely, working on music and various projects at church

In three words, how would you describe yourself?
F*** You, WCW.©

Describe the perfect day off
Lying in bed watching TMNT or Rocky all day long, and never having to even think about going back to my stupid boring office

Random Movie News

Just reading the paper today, I thought there were a few little 'note-worthy' items, regarding upcoming films and such:

Firstly, it seems Spiderman 3 is going to become the most successful bad movie ever.  Basically, it's turning a huge profit - even though the general consensus is that it is terrible; critics hate it, movie-goers aren't impressed, but yet it's making lots of money.  Why?  Because it's Spiderman, dumbass!  It's like how the Star Wars prequels made zillions of dollars - despite the fact that they are as fun as poking a cold hedgehog up my nose - because of the simple fact that they are Star Wars movies.  George Lucas could throw an hour of Hayden Christensen giving cooking lessons on the big screen, and still make millions of dollars - as long as it had the Star Wars name on it.

Star Wars Episode VII: The Emperor's Quiche

 I am going to admit right now, that I actually never did see the previous two Spiderman films on the big screen (something I do sort of regret) and I feel that is why I have such a desire to see the third, but I won't be expecting much anymore.  That could be the problem; people just expected too much with this film.  Anyways, I'll judge for myself when I finally go see it.  The buzz is Sony have made a deal to make another 3... I'm hoping they are going to be animated and straight to video releases.  I just have this nightmare where Bryan Singer takes over, replaces Tobey Maguire with Aaron Stanford (he played the angsty Pyro in the terrible X-Men sequels), and brings in James Marsden to take his usual role in every Bryan Singer movie...

Then there was an article bashing the movies that are coming out over the next few months.  Now come on, that ain't right!  I don't remember the last time I saw a release schedule for the 'blockbuster' movies that looked this good.  Let's see:  TMNT, Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix, The Simpsons, and of course, Transformers.  Not a movie in there I can fathom missing.  Throw in some classic action styling with Die Hard 4, and you've got yourself a couple of months where Logan needs to get himself to the cinema

And then of course, the big news; Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson & Weta are combining on a new Tintin trilogy.  Yawn.  Seriously, looking again at the releases this year, I'm reminded of something; I'm sick of trilogies!  I'm not counting things like Lord of the Rings & Harry Potter - those are books and are totally separate.  What I am sick of, is Hollywood deciding that they are going to make a whole bunch of movies without even releasing one.  Does the world need 3 Tintin movies?  Not likely - why not wait until you see how the first one goes before making people spend lots of money making another 2.  Was one PotC movie not enough?  The second one didn't do much for me, as the first one finished wonderfully wrapping things up, and the second was clearly just to bridge it to the third.  Did the world need 3 movies of Shrek?  Did we even need one?

But then again, I'm not content with just 6 Rocky movies, so who the heck am I to judge?

I'm hoping Transformers will be awesome and that will be it - no sequel, no trilogy, no decathlon of Transformers adventures.  Just one movie that kicks butt and leaves.

Learn from The Matrix, people.

 

And this made me laugh, so I recommend checking it out:

Things I Learned Watching Spiderman 3

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

It's Sunday afternoon, and I've been sick for a couple of days now. And what is the best way to pass the time when you are lying in bed? Watching bad movies? How about watching the worst movie ever made?!?! That's right, I'm finally getting around to watching a movie that is widely regarded as being the worst film ever made. I have heard about this movie for years, but had never managed to find a copy... until going through Rochelle's DVD collection and finding it amongst her Christmas movie collection! Thank you, Jesus, for The Warehouse and their cheap DVD collections of DOOM!!! And as the local purveyor of all bad movies, I think it is my duty to watch it, write about it, and share the experience with you all.

Duty sucks!

OK I've got my bottle of Golden Pash, my Superman pyjamas, my hot water bottle, and I am ready to go. It's time for...


SANTA CLAUSE CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

and no, I didn't spell that incorrectly...



I think that is an ominous sign

And wait, they spelt it correctly during the opening cast credits - what the? Maybe they are 2 different characters?


The opening credits haven't even finished and I'm already questioning the writing...



So we open with a television reporter visiting Santa's workshop on the North Pole - being watched by Martian children.



I'll leave that alone for now



Anyway, I think Santa is a little drunk, because he can't remember the names of his Reindeer; guess it would be tough to remember the names of the animals that have helped you since the beginning of time! But hey, he says that doesn't matter - so long as the kids remember their names.

Sure... whatever... tell that to your hard working reindeer


So they check out the toys the elves are making; things like "the latest toy rocket - it runs on real rocket fuel". Looks more like a painted up piece of wood to me, but I guess if Santa says it has an internal combustion engine, then who am I to argue? They also show a toy that looks remarkably like the Martian in the next scene...




A scene so bad I'm laughing terribly - seriously, not only was one Martian woken by another using a "tickle ray", but he was then called the "laziest man on mars". So Martians are men now?

I would have thought that dressing in tight green clothing and wearing a bike helmet with antenna would make you a much higher being than a human


OK so the Martians realise that their children are distracted and the only way to get them back on track is to kidnap Santa from Earth and bring him back to Mars.

The Martians go to Earth, but after being confused by all the Santas on the streets, they find two Earth children and draw their weapons, stating

"We're from Mars - don't be afraid!"


Because big lazer guns are the inter-galactic sign of peace.


But really, three men in leotards running around with a big toy gun... what is there to be afraid of?


So with the children as their captives, the martians head to the North Pole to grab Santa.




Looks more like the old Disney set for the moon to me.



Anyway the children escape to warn Santa, but are soon followed by one of the Martians. But before he can catch them, he is scared away by a guy in a polar bear costume that would make George Lucas' head explode!

And after the Martian runs in fear, the children are subjected to another technological terror...

THE GIANT CARDBOARD ROBOT OF DOOM!!!

He catches the children and sends them back to the ship, but not before they can offer this witty line:

"You won't get away with this, you... Martian!"

Remind me to use that one next time a guy is doing something wrong;

"You can't do that, you MAN!"
Would make me rethink my actions, that's for sure

And now the Giant Cardboard Robot of DOOM!!! goes into Santa's workshop and starts trashing the place.
I seriously haven't seen a robot this cool since Liam Lynch's Rapbot
Unfortunately, Santa overpowers it with good will and joy, and the robot becomes a toy. This makes him useless to the martians, and disappoints me to no end as I was looking forward to watching the robot's adventures on Mars

After striking the elves with their evil invisible freezing rays, the Martians grab Santa and head off to Mars
On the way there, the Martian leader and his 2nd in command get into a fight over what to do with Santa. Just what this movie needed; a fight scene with all the movement of Thunderbirds puppets. But once on Mars, Santa brings joy and laughter to all the Martians

Does anyone else find it odd that while Golden Pash is a delicious drink, Golden Circle still use the most budget looking packaging and always make it look like something you really wouldn't want to drink?

What, there's a movie going on?
Oh yeah...

Well, an idiot Martian dresses up as Santa, and the evil Martian plots to kidnap Santa. But of course, he kidnaps the idiot Martian instead. Hilarious stuff. And then to finish it all, the children all unite and defeat the evil Martian with toys and bubbles so that Christmas may reign forever.

Next time I'm talking to M. Knight Shyalaman, I must ask him why he didn't think to do that at the end of Signs.

And so we come to the end of this amazing feat in cinema.
And our lesson:
Aliens like Christmas too. And evil moustachioed ones can be easily defeated by paper planes and bubbles.

Don't forget the bubbles.

Finally

Oh yes, it has only taken me this long... but I have finally finished moving all my blogs from my MySpace page to my Blogger. This Blogger, in fact. And OK, it's not actually all of them - just the ones that aren't MySpace specific or completely pointless (like the one that just basically tricked all the people who have subscribed to my blog on MySpace into reading a blog that simply said "It's been a long time since I wrote my last blog... and this is no exception" - so I guess I have now moved it across to here, as I just wrote it out).

So...
I'm in Timaru for the week on "business". I think it must be the business of sleeping, because I haven't done a bit of work since getting here. Oh no wait, I did pack some boxes yesterday. Exciting stuff.

But the good thing is, I have been able to use all this time to reacquiant myself with an old friend - Worms! And no, I don't mean as in "I have worms", but the computer game Worms. I don't want to risk lifting my nerd points even higher (is that even possible?) so I won't spend too much time talking about the game, but if you don't know it then you need to find a copy. It's basically you have teams of worms and go around blowing each other up, and is extremely addictive. I swear, the game is so full of nicotine it should be banned... or at least have high taxes imposed on it to deter young people from buying it. I don't really understand what is so fun about a bunch of worms throwing Mad Cows and Banana Bombs at each other... no wait, that is why it's so much fun! I can't decide what my favourite weapon is; the Sheep or the Super Banana Bomb. I mean, a sheep going "Baaa" and then blowing up is pretty cool, but a whole bunch of bananas bouncing around the screen is equally enjoyable. Good thing NASA aren't requiring my assistance this week, because trying to figure out which I like more is going to take my full attention. I just wish there was a weapon that caused complete destruction, like the Death's Head in Scorched Earth (now I'm taking it old skool - geek stylz!)

And speaking of Scorched Earth, did anyone else ever think that the Smashing Pumpkins song Tales of a Scorched Earth was inspired by that very game? Man, I always got the titles of the two confused when I was a teenager

And props to Sharon for letting me borrow the first season of Beverly Hills, 90210 while I waste away in Timaru for the week. I can't believe how entertaining it is watching it this time around; just being so aware of Luke Perry's age makes things so much funnier. Watching a 30 year-old man play the part of a hip teenager is very entertaining

A lot more entertaining than this blog, that's for sure

And I did end up spending more time talking about a video game than anything else... All these years working hard to change my reputation are slowly coming undone, and the true geekiness of the mighty LOGMAN is slowly being revealed as each day goes by.

CURSE YOU, INTERNET!!!

Weekly Dose of Mean

As those on my 'MySpace Friends' list are well aware, I recently posted a bulletin/survey for everyone to fill in and post, thinking this would be a fun source of entertainment. Turns out it has been for me; only 2 of my friends filled it in (I don't really care), but it was filled in by a friend of Steve's, who then forwarded the response to me... and it was so intelligent that I really couldn't resist posting it here with a little bit of commentary from myself.

And to help everyone, I've left my questions in black, his answers are in blue and my comments are in bold italics (how daring, right? I've gone MAD!)

On with the show!


1. How cool is Logan? COLD,
Well OK, I can't really argue with that... if you want to go with the literal meaning and not the casual slang of 'cool' meaning 'happening hip cat that everyone loves and admires' then yes I am cold... but then check the weather, doofus - I bet you aren't too warm either

2. What do you think makes Logan so darn cool? ALL THE ICE,
Again, I won't really argue; because as Jeremy and some others are aware, I lie on icebergs and lift Mastodons

3. Is Logan your hero? DEPENDS WHO HE CAN FREEZE.
Hold up - so I'm Mr. Freeze now? I am now some snarling action villain that helps George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell completely ruin the Batman film franchise? And if by chance I do have the power to freeze people, I would think that would make me pretty darn special and worthy of your admiration - no matter who it was I could freeze! Talk about someone suffering Tall Poppy syndrome... I can just hear you now going "Yeah he can freeze people... but he's never frozen anyone that interests me, so he can't be that good."
I'd like to see YOU freeze someone!

4. Do you often find yourself asking "What would Logan Do?"? NAH

5. Have you ever watched cartoons with Logan? No
And with this attitude, it's likely you never will

6. If yes, were they actually created AFTER 1992? TO OLD, DON'T THINK SO,
If you learnt how to read (and use correct grammar), you would notice this question is only relevant to people who answered "Yes" to the previous question, where you answered "No". Or are you confused, and think we have watched cartoons together - because now you seem to be claiming that we have watched cartoons that have been made after 1992, which again proves how out of touch with reality you are. The only cartoon worth watching in 1993 was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and even then it was not at its best

7. What makes a great ice cream sundae topping? Chocolate

8. Who is your favourite Professional Wrestler? ALL THE LADYS, LOL
I pity people that actually consider the Playboy rejects that now flood wrestling shows to be 'wrestlers'. Sure, there are a couple that have skills in the ring, but the only ones that get real television time are the ones that are willing to expose flesh and parade around for all the hormonal little teenage boys. It's part of the reason I don't watch it anymore. And your second grammatical error is slightly overshadowed by that disgusting abbreviation that ends your sentence... I also pity people who think that is a word

9. Do you think he/she could beat Logan? In Santa with Muscles - YIP, THEY WOULD MELT HIM DOWN WITH LOOKS, LOL
OK I'll let you off for not deleting Steve's comment about Santa with Muscles...
So what I can establish from your response, is that I am now made entirely of ice(?) and the "LADYS" of pro-wrestling have laser vision, with which they will melt me??? Dude, what sort of crack were you smoking today? I don't remember drugs being that good when I was a kid

Let me declare - right now - that LOL is need of a serious beat down, and I hereby challenge it to a Retirement Match in 8 weeks

10. In a Steel Cage Match? YIP, STILL THE LOOKS,
Oh I get it, you were trying to say that because they are so 'good-looking' they would win? Oh well done - I mean, that's all it takes to win a wrestling match - no skill involved whatsoever.

So you think that thin, plastic, trashy, slutty looking women with no self-respect are attractive?

11. Do you prefer turning right or left? DON'T GIVE WAY, PUT PEDAL TO THE FLOOR,

12. Have you ever thought about starting a social club and support group for people who just don't understand why on Earth the Black Eyed Peas are so popular? NAH, BUT FERGIE IS HOT,
I was right!

13. Can you find The Danger Zone? YIP IN HELL,
Sorry, dude - you have the wrong co-ordinates there. While The Danger Zone is somewhere I want to visit, Hell is not somewhere I wish on anyone. Although that would make an interesting tie between the two songs "Highway to Hell" by ACDC and "Highway to the Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins

14. When listening to The Cure's 'Faith' album, are you amazed at how the vast expanse of the musical backdrop and soaring arrangements, while accompanied by lyrics of desperation and fear, has absolutely no emotional impact whatsoever? WHO ARE THEY WHEN THEY ARE AROUND,
I think that's pretty obvious - they are The Cure
dumbass

15. And finally, tell us what would happen if your were to take a trip to the moon… WITHOUT USING THE LETTER E

I deleted his final answer, as it was too stupid to even warrant the use of copy and paste

Ahhh... I feel so cleansed...
And yes, I am listening to Purple Rain yet again... it's just so amazing!
Only wish MySpace would let me post the proper album (it's really called Purple Rain, or Music from the Motion Picture Purple Rain, and was released in 1984 - not 2005. It's weird how it comes up with crazy stuff like this). But anyway, for you young ones out there, I can't recommend this song/movie (or should I just come right out and say it's a 90 minute music video) enough - the live version of Purple Rain itself is incredible