Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

It's Sunday afternoon, and I've been sick for a couple of days now. And what is the best way to pass the time when you are lying in bed? Watching bad movies? How about watching the worst movie ever made?!?! That's right, I'm finally getting around to watching a movie that is widely regarded as being the worst film ever made. I have heard about this movie for years, but had never managed to find a copy... until going through Rochelle's DVD collection and finding it amongst her Christmas movie collection! Thank you, Jesus, for The Warehouse and their cheap DVD collections of DOOM!!! And as the local purveyor of all bad movies, I think it is my duty to watch it, write about it, and share the experience with you all.

Duty sucks!

OK I've got my bottle of Golden Pash, my Superman pyjamas, my hot water bottle, and I am ready to go. It's time for...


SANTA CLAUSE CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

and no, I didn't spell that incorrectly...



I think that is an ominous sign

And wait, they spelt it correctly during the opening cast credits - what the? Maybe they are 2 different characters?


The opening credits haven't even finished and I'm already questioning the writing...



So we open with a television reporter visiting Santa's workshop on the North Pole - being watched by Martian children.



I'll leave that alone for now



Anyway, I think Santa is a little drunk, because he can't remember the names of his Reindeer; guess it would be tough to remember the names of the animals that have helped you since the beginning of time! But hey, he says that doesn't matter - so long as the kids remember their names.

Sure... whatever... tell that to your hard working reindeer


So they check out the toys the elves are making; things like "the latest toy rocket - it runs on real rocket fuel". Looks more like a painted up piece of wood to me, but I guess if Santa says it has an internal combustion engine, then who am I to argue? They also show a toy that looks remarkably like the Martian in the next scene...




A scene so bad I'm laughing terribly - seriously, not only was one Martian woken by another using a "tickle ray", but he was then called the "laziest man on mars". So Martians are men now?

I would have thought that dressing in tight green clothing and wearing a bike helmet with antenna would make you a much higher being than a human


OK so the Martians realise that their children are distracted and the only way to get them back on track is to kidnap Santa from Earth and bring him back to Mars.

The Martians go to Earth, but after being confused by all the Santas on the streets, they find two Earth children and draw their weapons, stating

"We're from Mars - don't be afraid!"


Because big lazer guns are the inter-galactic sign of peace.


But really, three men in leotards running around with a big toy gun... what is there to be afraid of?


So with the children as their captives, the martians head to the North Pole to grab Santa.




Looks more like the old Disney set for the moon to me.



Anyway the children escape to warn Santa, but are soon followed by one of the Martians. But before he can catch them, he is scared away by a guy in a polar bear costume that would make George Lucas' head explode!

And after the Martian runs in fear, the children are subjected to another technological terror...

THE GIANT CARDBOARD ROBOT OF DOOM!!!

He catches the children and sends them back to the ship, but not before they can offer this witty line:

"You won't get away with this, you... Martian!"

Remind me to use that one next time a guy is doing something wrong;

"You can't do that, you MAN!"
Would make me rethink my actions, that's for sure

And now the Giant Cardboard Robot of DOOM!!! goes into Santa's workshop and starts trashing the place.
I seriously haven't seen a robot this cool since Liam Lynch's Rapbot
Unfortunately, Santa overpowers it with good will and joy, and the robot becomes a toy. This makes him useless to the martians, and disappoints me to no end as I was looking forward to watching the robot's adventures on Mars

After striking the elves with their evil invisible freezing rays, the Martians grab Santa and head off to Mars
On the way there, the Martian leader and his 2nd in command get into a fight over what to do with Santa. Just what this movie needed; a fight scene with all the movement of Thunderbirds puppets. But once on Mars, Santa brings joy and laughter to all the Martians

Does anyone else find it odd that while Golden Pash is a delicious drink, Golden Circle still use the most budget looking packaging and always make it look like something you really wouldn't want to drink?

What, there's a movie going on?
Oh yeah...

Well, an idiot Martian dresses up as Santa, and the evil Martian plots to kidnap Santa. But of course, he kidnaps the idiot Martian instead. Hilarious stuff. And then to finish it all, the children all unite and defeat the evil Martian with toys and bubbles so that Christmas may reign forever.

Next time I'm talking to M. Knight Shyalaman, I must ask him why he didn't think to do that at the end of Signs.

And so we come to the end of this amazing feat in cinema.
And our lesson:
Aliens like Christmas too. And evil moustachioed ones can be easily defeated by paper planes and bubbles.

Don't forget the bubbles.