Your Kids are Stupid? Then Don't Take Them to the Movies

The other night I went to the cinema for the first time in many, many months. In fact, it has been so long since I went to see a movie, that I can not recall the last time I did.

Anyways, it was such an exciting experience that I was steadily reminded of the 2 main reasons I never go to movies any more:

1. People take children to movies they aren't interested in seeing because the parents can't find babysitters. So said children talk and fidget all through the movie and piss Logan off like they've been playing with his 20th anniversary Optimus Prime.

You see, next to me was a young boy and his idiot young father. And for the duration of the entire movie, aside from the boy stamping his feet on the ground and constantly reshuffling himself and his noisy jacket of doom, the man was having to explain all that was happening to his son. And I'm not just saying complex things (it was Indiana Jones, after all) but crap like the boy asking his dad "Who's Oxley?" when they had only been talking about him for about 40 minutes and Indy and his son had been going into GREAT detail about who Oxley was and what he meant to them both only 10 minutes earlier. I almost turned to him and said "Oxley is my boot and he is going to be stomping your ugly face in if you don't shut your pie-hole!!!"

I had the same problem when I first went to see Return of the King; some idiot kid kept asking his mother to explain the movie to him the whole way through. I don't get why parents insist on taking their children to movies far beyond their mental capacity. If I had children and they dared to ask me stupid questions during Kill Bill, they would get a samurai sword through the eye.

It is also beyond me why parents think it is acceptable to take their children to long movies so late at night - I go to later showings to avoid stupid annoying people and their annoying stupid little brats, only to find that some parents insist on their children living the same crappy life as them. Seriously, would you take a child to see Return of the King if it started at 8pm on a Tuesday night? Or Indiana Jones and the Long Movie of Doom at a similar time??

Sure, my dad took me to see all 3 original Star Wars movies late at night when I was 5, but that's because he has no parenting skills.

2. People refuse to turn off their cellphones.

I've said it before and I will no doubt say it many more times before I am murdered by a crazed religious nut - human beings these days have a sick dependency on their cellphones. And it is never better shown than in a movie theatre, where people will either txt the whole time or turn on their phone as soon as the movie is over. The next time you go, watch the crowd and laugh as you will see everyone turn on their phones at the same time. But anyways, what really bugs me is having to see people's big bright cellphone screens glow while they txt away thinking they aren't bothering anyone.

NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE CAN SEE LIGHTS!!!
Idiots.

But really, why is it people can't handle breaking away from their phones for 2 hours to watch something they have paid $17 to see?


Of course, nothing will ever compare to my worst movie-going experience ever, which involved a group of drunk people in the front row drinking and yelling, walking around and yelling to each other, and then lighting up joints periodically. Good times.