I Want To Be a REAL American Too

I'm not a man known for his respectful feelings towards America; in fact, I guess you could almost claim I am more known for my absolute contempt for the USA and it's people. Admittedly, I have been a little less outspoken this past year or so, but nevertheless my distrust and lack of love for America has always stayed strong.

I guess I've always been fairly misguided with my view: I've always seen America as a country with an unhealthy obsession with personal firearms, and an atrocious handling of their health & welfare systems. I mean, their public education is in such poor condition that I often used to wonder if they're aware there are other things happening in the world – that there is more to this world other than USA (of course they do know that… otherwise they wouldn't know which country they were invading next). And don't even get me started on their politicians or foreign policy or the defence force – yes, let's ignore the poor, the homeless & those who are in need and just make more bombs!!! Then throw in McDonald's and a fake moon landing, and you've got yourself one nation that deserves a public flogging from Bret Hart

But last night that changed when I was shown a video… a video of power… a video of inspiration… a video of a REAL American

Yes that's right – I am talking about REAL American; a video so truly powerful and exciting that I had no choice but to post it on my MySpace. So if you haven't had a chance to view it yet, I suggest you hit that back button and load it up right now. What are you waiting for? Do it! It's what a REAL American would do

You see, I always had the wrong view of what it meant to be an American; it's not about all those horrible, selfish things I mentioned previously. It's not even about buying SUV's and more fast food than you can shake a cruise missile at. Being a REAL American is all about being tough, waving a flag… and rocking out with a guitar in front of blue screen fireworks!

If this is what it means to be a REAL American, you can count me in!

And if any of those dirty commies get in your way, no need to get upset and go to war. Just show them what you think of their country with a good old fashioned headbutt to the flag

George W. Bush wants to fight the war on terror? Well this video is the perfect answer; just head on down to Iran, slap this video in the DVD player, and I bet those Arabs will be falling all over themselves to become REAL Americans too. I have no doubt that if Osama Bin Laden could see it, he would put an end to this Jihad against the USA. And while we're at it, let's send a copy to Sadam Hussein; he's got plenty of time on his hands while waiting for the hangman's noose, so I'm sure once he views this video he will repent from his evil ways and make a bold decision to be a REAL American too before his meeting with the Grim Reaper (whom, by the way, I also believe to be a REAL American)

So George, Mr. President, sir – because I know you will be reading this – this is the answer to all your troubles at the moment. First, you need to fire ol' Rummy; the guys not popular anymore and he's just dragging you down. Then, hire Hulk Hogan as your new Secretary of Defence. And let's take that word Secretary out of the title – sounds a little girlie don't you think? So we'll rename it REAL American of Defence… and then if we all train hard, say our prayers and eat our vitamins, we too can be REAL Americans

And before anyone can comment, yes this is the start of something... along the lines of something I have thought/dreamed about since I was 18

Stay Tuned

Somebody Shut This Man Up!!!

As I'm sure most of you are aware, I don't like Paul McCartney. Not at all. Yes, I LOVE The Beatles, but there are so many stories from their break-up that show up his true personality - not to mention everything he's done from the past 5 years or so (namely the whole McCartney/Lennon fiasco and Freedom... blargh!). So a few years ago I made the stark realisation - PAUL MCCARTNEY IS A SELF-ABSORDED, SELF-PROMOTING, EGOTISTICAL CONTROL FREAK WHO IS ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY AND FURTHERING HIS OWN PUBLIC IMAGE AND I CAN'T STAND HIM!

Don't believe me? Well dig this:

McCartney registers name as trademark
Saturday Oct 14 12:05 AEST

Former Beatle Paul McCartney sought on Friday to cash in on his name by registering it as a trademark for use on everything from waistcoats to vegetarian food.
In addition to vegetarian items, he is also seeking permission for the name on meat, fish, poultry and game.

The application has been made by McCartney's company, MPL Communications Ltd, and if successful will give it the exclusive right to use of the name McCartney on clothing, footwear, headgear and a variety of other goods.

The full application specifies such disparate items as articles of fancy dress, overalls, waistcoats, hosiery, dressing-gowns, bath robes, sports clothing and swimwear.

So, while I'm sure all you Macca fans out there will be ready to abuse me for insulting "the infallibe Sir Paul", you will excuse me while I go laugh at his arrogance and listen to music he could never try and claim as his...

(Yes, I did just run away and listen to All Things Must Pass - the greatest solo album of any ex-Beatle)

Pointless Blog... Of DOOM!!!

So I was watching the news tonight... seems this stupid "Boy Band" are at number one... and there was a guy from The Edge saying how this is a comment on pop music at the moment, how it's been taking itself too seriously and all that pretentious babble...

No, Snot-for-brains! It is just proof that to get to number one all you need is a stupid gimmick and a truck load of advertising aimed at teenage girls!!! I HATE PRETENTIOUS MUSIC INDUSTRY CHUMPS

And remember this day kiddies... because today is the day I finally got season 3 of Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Yes that's right - I now have EVERY EPISODE! Praise the Lord! I won't be needing friends again now for quite some time... so you losers can all go get stuffed!

Just kidding

So remember folks; when talking about pop music, please refrain from talkng from out of your buttocks. Unless you would like Logan to beat you to death with your own vommit.

Although at the moment, you may be lucky enough that I won't pry myself away from the 73 episodes of pure enjoyment that is the classic tv show from 1990 Parker Lewis Can't Lose

But do you really want to take that chance??

Timbaland Is The Best Thing To Ever Happen To Music...

Hey Tim, look at me go!

Many people today have been asking me the same question: Do you like the new Justin Timberlake album? So now I will attempt to answer that question...

Yes. Yes I do

I think back to a time that now seems so far away... a time when boy bands roamed the charts without a care in the world... a time when N*Sync were releasing powerful songs like "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me"... when this guy with a perm & a squeaky voice was somehow with the hottest girl in pop...

My how times have changed

Future Sex/Love Sounds is the strongest pop album I have heard in many, many years. This album is honestly leading the way for Album of the Year in my books - The Cure's new album next month would have to be their best in about 7 years to even come close to this. In fact, the only album I could think of that would be better than this would have to involve at least 10 tracks of Christina Aguilera & Missy Elliott. Actually, that would be awesome. Someone get on the phone and see if we can hook that up...

It is the overall slickness of this album that has me convinced that Timbaland is the greatest producer out there. I always loved the way he and Missy kept re-inventing hip-hop... they really were ahead of everyone else as far as production goes. And you haven't lived until you've seen Timbaland in the studio with Jay-Z in Fade To Black

I guess his first real move into the pop world was with JT's first album, and I don't need to tell anyone how awesome "Cry Me A River" is. If I do, you are stupid! And don't bother speaking to me for a few weeks or I'll probably start every conversation with "What is wrong with you?". But then 2006 comes and he not only makes Nelly Furtado cool again, but then comes and wakes up the music world with Future Sex/Love Sounds...

The real appeal in this album for me, is just how smoothly each song flows... the preludes & interludes aren't just little filler things like on most albums - they are good songs in their own right! Especially the "I Think She Knows" interlude... how anyone would think to do that with a song is beyond me...

I haven't been this excited by an album since Missy's The Cookbook (which funnily enough, is the only Missy album NOT produced by Timbaland... he only produced a few of the tracks). I could honestly spend all night writing about the amazing things this album has to offer... I could almost do a track-by-track breakdown... but it would really just consist of me writing AWESOME 12 times. But I will say that "My Love" & "Lovestoned" (with "I Think She Knows" interlude) are the absolute highlights for me. But while my opinion is law, you must check out this album for yourself. Go buy it. NOW!!!!

...And Fergie Is The Worst

Word to ya mutha... WHORE!!!

Seriously, what is the deal with her popularity? First she turns the Black Eyed Peas into an advertising campaign for her ass, and now this low-class stripper thinks she has enough musical talent to warrant a solo single?

I thought "My Humps" was the lowest any 'musical artist' (and boy do I use that term loosely here) could sink, but "London Bridge" is just a slight re-working of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl"... minus any shred of vocal, musical or song writing skill. The only partially entertaining part is the fact that it was produced by the same guy who produced The Pussycat Dolls' "Buttons"... and not even he could make Fergie sound good!

Back to my original point... I genuinely consider Stacy Ferguson to be the worst thing to happen to pop music. Not only does she reinforce the attitude that you don't have to have talent to sell records, just act like a $2 hooker, but people continue to buy the music by her and The Black Eyed Peas no matter how devoid of quality it is. And this in turn lowers the quality of the music that is released by other labels - record executives don't care about artists or songs so long as they sound like what it is already selling. So what we then get is more people trying to sound like they are 12 and referring to their body parts with as much maturity as a 5 year old

Think I'm joking? Go listen to Robbie Williams' latest single "Rude Box"...

I hereby plead with all music loving people around the world to join with me in prayer... that one day our radio waves and televisons will be free of the flat tones and skanky dance moves that we have been subjected to by the untalented, unattractive, unintelligent and unbelievably annoying WHORE that is Stacy Ferguson

Miami Vice

Well the wait is over - the new Miami Vice movie came out today. For those who are not aware, Miami Vice was a tv show that ran from 1984 - 1989 and was extremely influential on pop culture at the time. It is also one of my all-time favourite shows, so this movie has been high on my 'must see' list.

When I first heard they were making a Miami Vice movie, I was a little skeptical. Then I heard Colin Farrell had been cast as Sonny Crockett (originally played by Don Johnson). This quickly moved the film to my 'never watch' list, given that Colin Farrell is one of my least favourite actors, thanks in part to great films like Daredevil and the awe-inspiring Alexander. Also, I was worried this was just going to be another cheesy tongue-in-cheek revival movie like Dukes of Hazard or Starsky & Hutch. In fact everytime I saw the poster in Riccarton Mall these past few months I have offered nothing but contempt for the whole project.

That all changed a couple of months ago when I saw the trailer; not only did it look like they had followed the original dark serious & gritty attitude of the original series, but it was directed by Michael Mann - the man who created the show! Suddenly there was hope...

Ok, so the original show followed Detectives Crockett & Tubbs as they battled drug dealers and low-lives in Miami. What made the show popular was not only the music, fashion & actors, but the show had a very serious tone to it and really broke ground as far as television goes. Every episode involved loads of action that always resulted in gunfire and criminals (and sometimes cops) getting shot or blown up. But it had great stories, and the good guys didn't always win... well, they hardly ever did really. Needless to say I was not allowed to watch this as a child. Anyways, it had this basic formula that worked really well: total action for the opening 5 minutes to set up the story, then the next half hour to develop the characters and give you the whole story, then action for the final 10 minutes as they take down the bad guy. Great stuff

I've gone off track a little...

So I went to see the movie tonight full of excitement. looking forward to seeing how Michael Mann would bring this legendary show of the 80's into the 21st century. The opening 5 minutes were vintage Vice; big car chase and then feds get killed (which btw had the most gruesome shot since Robocop). The story was set up very nicely...

From there, the movie quickly moved to the MOST POORLY SHOT, BADLY ACTED, BORINGLY STRUCTURED MOVIE you could ever imagine. It was the sort of "film" that would give a High School film student nightmares. I've seen infomercials from China with more coherent dialogue!

Firstly, the whole thing looks like it was shot on super 8. That's cool if you're going for a realistic-doco type movie - not so cool when making an action film. Everything was grainy, shaky and out of focus. There must have been a serious shortage of tripods in Hollywood because the camera could not sit still at all. And other than Jamie Foxx (who was comletely underused) the rest of the cast should have been replaced. I would have rather watched Macho Man Randy Savage play Crockett, than put up with Colin Farrell looking lost in his mullet and moustache for 2 1/2 hours! I've seen Primary School Productions with less annoying attempts for acting.

And as for dialogue, I can't comment because I don't think I could ever understand what they were saying. Everyone mumbled (or in the case of the bad woman, talked like a retarded brick with a speech impediment. Seriously, her acting was that bad) their way through the seemingly endless script with complete boredom. At least you could always hear the dialgue in the show... probably because they yelled most of the time. And there was absolutely no character development AT ALL! If I hadn't seen the tv show, I don't think I would have known what the character's names were. By the end, all the average viewer would know is that a black guy and an 80's porn star could drive, shoot at people and liked sex, thanks to the 5,000 completely irrelevant sex scenes in the opening half hour. I can just imagine what the writer was thinking...

"The movie is up to 3 hours now - guess I should cut some stuff out. I know; I'll scrap all the parts of the story that get deep into the heart of the characters and really help the viewer get to know them. And we don't need much more from Tubbs (Jamie Foxx's character) - he's got a good 10 minutes of screen time already! I'll just fill in the remaining 2 hours with random dialogue between Crockett and the bad woman. Then I'll just randomly insert a sex scene wherever I open the script"

And I promise you this is not some angry disappointed fan tirade. If anything, I think maybe I only liked parts because I am such a fan of the show. Don't believe me? Check out what Jeremy had to say...

www.myspace.com/chchjeremy

Hopefully I have vented enough to sleep easier. I am going now to vote for it on IMDB as one of the worst movies ever, and then watch an episode from the original show so I can erase the image of Miami Vice that now invades my memory.

Do yourself a favour: avoid the movie and just rent the show from the video store. And if you see Colin Farrell, give him an extra kick in ghoulies from me

After all that... it still wasn't as bad as Attack of the Clones