The BLog is Mightier Than the Blog... or something

I think Baron von Aaron of the Flying Doofus Brigade must read my blog; he's barely said a word to me since I posted my rant on how annoying he is. Hasn't even told me about how awesome it was to play lots of guitar in the weekend with his amazing musician friends, or even commented on the quality of the mix for the Elvis songs I'm listening to (for the record, right now it is disc 2 of I Believe. Awesome set this). I was half expecting a pointless conversation where he acted like he was seeking my advice on what to do about his broken Telecaster, only to completely ignore what I suggest (I've told him to purchase a new neck from the same place I purchased the one for my bass, so any day now I expect him to come to work and brag about how he fixed it himself with some parts from a ukulele and a lot of polyfiller).

While I am sure the good life won't last, it would be pretty awesome if everyone I worked with started reading my blog and following my advice. Especially the parts where I tell them they suck in comparison to my barrels of awesome! I doubt any of that would get me fired...

So for my work colleagues or whatever the crap you fools want to call yourselves, here are some more things you can do to make our office a better place to spend the day:


Better Use of the New TV
Our office won a fancy new TV, but instead of just giving it to me they decided that having a closed auction between staff would be better. Personally, I don't agree but am willing to compromise: place it behind my computer monitor and hook it up to my PC so I can play DVDs all day. You don't know how many times a day I think "This productivity analysis is boring - I wish I were watching Aloha From Hawaii right now"

New Computer Speakers
I realise that I really only get to use them on Fridays or lucky days when Claudine is sick or something. We'll get to that next. But I'm thinking to go with the TV, we should get some sort of home theatre system. I'm not in need of anything too fancy. A simple Wharfdale system will suffice. You can get rid of that big ugly cupboard behind me to make room for the rear speakers - it only has old papers and things in there anyway.

My Speakers Go Up to 11
Yeah the whole headphones thing is tiring. I get sick of having to take them off all time - effort is not my strong point. So you guys can all just start closing your office doors. And by closing, I mean lock them and build new ones that lead you through each other's offices and nowhere near my little space out here. Then I can watch Queen rock Wembley at an appropriate volume.

I Win All the Damn Time
You know that saying 'Are ya winning?' that you all just LOVE to use? Yeah... it sucks. Even more than you guys. I am not a lame old southerner like the rest of you so that automatically means I win whatever crappy game you think we are playing. And I drink Brawndo, so you are all completely p'wnd right now.

Where is My US Trip?
I've been here 3 years now and there is still no sign of my company paid trip to the good ol' U.S. of A. And on greater thought, Seattle is pretty lame; I mean, sure, when I was younger I wanted to go there because that was the home of grunge and my favourite bands like Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains and I wanted to see if the Mother Love Bone wall is still there. But I was young and foolish then. Now I have grown up and realised the error of my youth and really couldn't care less about any of that. Plus, learning more about the logging industry and spending all my time with Americans in a Starbucks really doesn't sound all that appealing. So why not send me to the one place in America I really do want to go: Graceland! Anything I learn there would be much more beneficial to my future than in our head office. I mean let's be real, what am I going to be doing in 10 years time; cutting down trees or performing as a washed up Elvis tribute artist in dingy clubs all over New Zealand?

Just don't touch my stuff while I'm away - especially my empty energy drink bottle collection that is now so large it takes up half my desk and blocks the calendar. That's just part of its charm.


I think this would be a good start to improving the moral in the office. And by "the", I mean 'my'. And by "moral", I mean 'possibilities to do even less work than I do now without being interrupted'