Those Blasted Turtles!

I finally found out when the new TMNT (that's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the acrinamically impaired) movie is coming out... April 5th
Yes that's right, a whole 2 weeks after the US release!
But that's not why that date is silly. From March 31st to April 8th, I will be on holiday in a secret location - so secret, not even I could begin to explain just where it is. And therefore, I will be unable to attend a screening until my return to Christchurch. And even then, that is Easter Sunday and I don't arrive back until around 8pm, so there won't be much chance of seeing it that night

What an outcome! Had I been placed with this knowledge beforehand, I can assure you that I would not have booked my holiday to last so long.
4 days... who waits that long to see the new TMNT movie?

Of course, I jest. While I am excited by the prospect of more crazy TMNT action on the big screen, this movie is hardly the expected colossal optic sensor overload that awaits us in July... The Transformers. That is going to be awesome. But yeah, I love the turtles - my favourite cartoon show of all time (possibly tv show, but The A-Team is a big challenger). But that's the difference; I LOVE the original show and not many other incarnations. Except for the original live action movies from the early 90's. But I can't stand the new series, and CGI turtles sort of put me off in the beginning
But after seeing the trailer, I can assure all you turtle loving geeks out there that this movie does indeed look pretty cool and will be worth checking out.
Ok, who am I kidding? I'm totally excited to see it now. It is going to rock!

So go see TMNT April 5th. It may not have MC Hammer on the soundtrack this time around, but it is sure going to be a lot of fun

Vince Russo Books My Work part 3

FRIDAY
Reconciliation on a Pole. Just before we start, Director comes to the front and declares a new stipulation: if Accountant fails, Vince Russo will be fired. Accountant is WALKING. I am WALKING. We both go to grab the Reconciliation from the pole, and I get it first. I quickly duck to my computer and start the reconciliation (apparently we've forgotten what happened yesterday), but there are some calculations that don't add up. I ask The Receptionist for a calculator (as I said, it seems like yesterday's events don't matter) and she hands me one – except the batteries are missing! And in another swerve, she throws the batteries to Director, who then throws them in the bin! Who would have seen that coming? As I WALK over to Director and accuse him of treachery, Accountant steals the Reconciliation away and begins working on it, using the correct codings from yesterday (now yesterday's events matter) and processing the things I had not done. I continue to be distracted by Director, and Accountant nears completion of the reconciliation, when Janet comes to ringside to cheer on Accountant. Then she enters his office… and slaps Accountant! Vince Russo sneaks in, steals the Reconciliation and completes it. Vince Russo is the New Champion! Accountant doesn't know what happened and looks confusingly on as Vince Russo and Janet embrace. Director grabs the briefcase and he, The Receptionist, Vince Russo and Janet all run to the Director's office. Once there they open the briefcase, and inside they find…

NOTHING!!!

Vince Russo Books My Work part 2

WEDNESDAY
We see two people from an office below making coffee. They start WALKING. The bimbos are WALKING. Vince Russo is WALKING. He calls out Director. Director is WALKING. Russo says he wants the briefcase. Director says he is going to give it back to me after I finish the reconciliation. Vince Russo says I will never win the Reconciliation, even if he has to screw me out of the Championship. Director says he is in charge and he is giving me a chance to get the briefcase back tonight, if I can answer the phones instead of The Receptionist

Break

The bimbos are ready to have their strip-off. When down to their underwear, Accountant runs in and stops them from going any further, appealing to his bimbo (calling her Janet and "breaking kayfabe") to respect herself because he loves her. They embrace and leave the ring. The other bimbo stands there confused, as they have not followed what was planned. Vince Russo is with The Receptionist talking strategy for answering the phones. The phone rings, and The Receptionist ignores it. Russo orders her to answer, but instead she stands up and walks away. I seize the opportunity and answer the phone. Vince Russo drops to his knees and yells "NOOOOOOOO!"

Break

Director is WALKING. He goes to the board room for a meeting with local investors. During the meeting, he talks of the positives to investing in the company, while defending the negatives. After a grueling 2 minute meeting, he is on the verge of victory. Suddenly, Accountant enters. He puts on a video for the local investors, showing them Director burning trees and making prank phone calls to the local investors. Disgusted by the revelations, the local investors leave. Director loses the deal. I stand at the water cooler watching the entire thing go down


THURSDAY
Director is at the front of the office. He has the briefcase. He talks about yesterday's tragic events and the interference from Accountant. He then calls me out to meet him. I'm WALKING. Director says he will be in my corner tomorrow for the Reconciliation on a Pole and goes to hand me the briefcase. Accountant comes out and says it doesn't matter what happens – he will still win and become Champion. Vince Russo comes out and says today The Receptionist and I are going to pay for our lack of respect by having to code invoices. Then, Accountant slips into the ring and snatches the briefcase, handing it to Vince Russo

Break

The Receptionist is WALKING. She comes to the front of the office to explain her actions. She claims Vince Russo was treating her unfair, demanding she wear more revealing clothing and asking her to do things she didn't want to do. She calls Vince Russo something that is bleeped. She then says "Vince Russo… Go to Hell! I quit!" throws her mic down and leaves

Break

With The Receptionist gone, I am WALKING to code the invoices. As I make my way through the pile of uncoded invoices, Accountant begins to query my coding and ask I change a few. But there are some code sheets that I can not find and it looks like I will not be able to finish the task. Then, The Receptionist sneaks into Accountant's office behind his back and steals the coding sheets. She then hands them to me, and I use them to finish coding the invoices. However, the codes she hands me are not correct and I fail to code the invoices properly. They were fake codes she had written herself in order to trick me. Accountant is the New Champion! The Receptionist, Accountant and Vince Russo embrace – it had all been a swerve all along! Accountant then switches off my computer without closing Windows properly. This is sure to cause some system errors and could affect my chances in the Reconciliation on a Pole. They WALK to the back lifting the briefcase high and telling me I am finished.

Vince Russo Books My Work part 1

MONDAY
I arrive at work carrying a briefcase and accompanied by a blonde in a bikini. I stand at the front of the office and tell everyone that the contents of my briefcase are going to "change the workplace as we know it!". I then sit at my desk, only to be attacked from behind by The Receptionist, who then steals the briefcase and runs back to her desk. Instead of going and getting it back, I then go back to the front of the office - everyone watches me WALKING - where I complain about the injustice I have just been victim to. This brings out The Receptionist, who claims the contents of the briefcase are not for anyone to see and that she is going to give it to the company director, known from here on as Director (last week he was called Manager). He wants the briefcase for himself, but says he will let me have it back if... I can Reconcile the Bank Account!!! Furious, I knock over a desk and tell Director that he's a good for nothing scumbag and that he has had it in for me since I eliminated him in paintball last year, in a reference to something that happened "behind the scenes". This brings out Vince Russo, who claims I am not following what he has written and that I will Reconcile the Bank Account, or he will write me out of a job. This makes everyone wonder if this is really a work or shoot...

Break

Accountant is WALKING. Accountant is in a Conference Call with some of the board members and a few more half naked women. Just when it looks like he's about to get his budget approved, I bust through the door and cut the phone connection, causing his budget to be denied due to interference. I WALK off.


TUESDAY
Accountant is WALKING. He goes to Director and Vince Russo and says he wants in on this reconciliation too. I'm WALKING. I go to the filing cabinet and search for a lease agreement. I can't find the lease agreement. Accountant comes out and says he has the lease agreement, and if I want it I have to give him a title shot. I chase him to the back

Break

Vince Russo is WALKING. He goes to the front of the office and declares that there are now some stipulations regarding the Reconciliation. It is now a Reconciliation on a Pole between myself and Accountant for the Championship. I come out and argue with Vince Russo about his new stipulations, claiming they are unfair. Vince Russo says that until the contents of the briefcase are revealed he is going to be making my life hell. Tonight I will have to do some Photocopying and the Championship is on the line. For no reason, a local courier picks up a package.

Break

We go to the photocopier, where I begin my Photocopying. The Receptionist and Accountant run in and turn off the copier, causing all the paper to go to waste. The blonde bimbo in my company runs in and turns it back on, only to have it turned off again by one of the bimbos with Accountant. Accountant is declared the New Champion! This brings back Director. He declares that the two bimbos are to now have a strip-off to settle their differences, and then – in a complete swerve – he turns the photocopier back on! I finish the photocopying and Director gives me back the Championship. Accountant & The Receptionist head to the back shouting

Many Things About A Man You Don't Know

UPDATE: Due to the extreme length of what I wrote, I have decided to split this blog... not exactly sure how many parts yet

For more information on Vince Russo, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vince_Russo

Well, it would seem that I am that bored that it's time to think just how much more fun my workplace would be if Vince Russo was hired to plan out my days.

For those who do not know - and I'm assuming that's everyone I know - Vince Russo was one of the main writers for WWF when it started to move to the more edgy "attitude" era that we have all come to know and laugh at. You know, all those stupid things like Degeneration-X, scantily clad women and soap opera style segments - all the wonderful work of the writer Russo. But you see, as WCW started going down the fast track to cancelled, Mr. Russo and his creative companion Ed Ferrara were lured away from the WWF to come and head not just the creative team, but also book matches as well. What happened is not only was there more walking shown on television than ever before, but WCW became the biggest joke in television history; and I think that really says something about a show where the actors only wear their underpants and pretend to beat each other up.

Anyways, the show became notorious for no matches ever finishing cleanly, the world title changing hands every week, constant swerves (in his foolish attempts to trick all the viewers... alas it became boring, because you knew there was always going to be at least 2 swerves a night), stupid 'gimmick matches' such as the infamous "Piñata on a Pole" match, and of course, sleazier action than a Madonna video (which really cost it a lot of fans; a lot of old school fans like myself always preferred WCW for having less strippers). None of the storylines ever added up or even made any sense whatsoever... I mean, the guy even made David Arquette the WCW World Champion. Yes, you read that correctly - B-Grade movie Actor David Arquette!!!

He also wrote himself into the major storylines, driving around in a "popemobile" and trying to pretend most of what happened was not part of the show.

Unsurprisingly, WCW soon went out of business and Mr. Russo saw the error of his ways, becoming a "Born Again" Christian

He now works for TNA Wrestling, where he writes the same sleazy, nonsensical and pointless rubbish he has used to turn pro-wrestling into the trash it has become

Ok that was harsh. And this is turning into a Vince Russo tirade

So without further stalling for lack of creativity, here is how I believe my job would pan out if Vince Russo was in charge of writing

Because my job follows a script

To "job" in wrestling means to lose. And every time I write "job" it cracks me up because I feel like I'm saying Vince Russo is asking me to lose

But then if it involves Vince Russo, we all lose

OK here we go:

How To Make My Job More Interesting

My job is boring. Seriously, really boring.

Everyday I come to work with the plan that I am going to work hard and go home feeling fulfilled, and everyday I find I have less and less to do and end up just sitting at my computer reading things about pro-wrestling from the mid-90's when it was fun. So with that in mind, I have thought of a few 'angles' we could try to make my workplace a little bit more exciting:

1. Before I walk in the door each morning, my theme music blasts through the Forsyth Barr building. People come from out of their offices to greet me and cheer me on

2. Replace our office chairs with folding metal chairs to make sneak attacks on co-workers that much more sinister

3. While someone from another office is giving their report during our weekly conference call, I will interrupt them and declare that I am "sick and tired of hearing them running their mouth like this", claim they really stole the report from me, and challenge them to a match in 6 weeks

4. Every time my computer crashes, I look to the rest of the office for their approval, and then after running my thumb across my throat in a menacing fashion, I leap off the filing cabinet and finish the computer off with a diving headbutt

5. As board members or employees make their way to the conference room, I attack from
behind and cause career threatening injuries that heal up after a couple of weeks

6. I form an alliance with a few co-workers and we wreak havoc on the entire organisation, stealing people's photocopying and spray painting "nWo" on our computer screens

7. Finish every meeting with "What are you gonna do when Logman runs wild on you?!"

8. Every time my boss asks me to do work, I throw it back in his face and challenge him to a match tonight where the loser does the work

9. Form a tag team with the Accountant where we remain successful for many months, until jealousy tears us apart and we have a steel cage match to determine who will be the real accountant

10. Turn my desk into the Announce Table for the Spanish Commentary team, slamming all visitors on it


I thought about just hiring Vince Russo as our Director, but I felt like that was a reference only wrestling fans would enjoy.

Maybe another time