Terror Toons

What do you get when you cross a group of porn 'film' makers, $2,000 and a script written in the backseat of a car? I wish didn't know... but you are about to find out, as I present to you a review of Terror Toons!
We are introduced to the 'film' by a man standing in front of a black tarpolan with white circles painted on it - so you just know this movie is high budget entertainment! He begins to tell us the background of the evil main characters "from the cartoon dimension" (the most evil of places), Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin! I'm sure I would be scared, but he delivers his lines like Hayden Christensen trying to cut a wrestling promo. And he's about as menacing as a 15 year-old working on the drive-thru at Burger King.

And so the movie begins, as we suddenly see a man-child tied to a table in cartoon world. Dr. Carnage enters and attacks with his "cartoon" violence. He looks a lot like a puppet to me, and call me a purist, but I don't consider puppets to be cartoons. Anyway this retard keeps making silly faces, while Dr. Carnage begins to hack at him with a large novelty scalpel until he disembowels him and completely removes the skull - with eyes still attached.

The purist in me wants to bitch about how I've never seen that in any of the cartoons I watch, but then I decide that if I'm stupid enough to watch this then I deserve what I get. I'm sure this movie is like a forgotten plague from the bible:
"And on the 7th day, all of Egypt will watch in horror as a man in a poorly made costume butchers the worst actors in the world, while one dimensional gif images bounce along after him"So it would seem that whole opening sequence had nothing to do with the rest of the movie, because now we are back from the "cartoon dimension" and join someone in the bath tub. And whoever they are, they must be pretty freekin' stupid, because they can't get the words right to "Rubber Ducky"! The just keep singing "Rubber Ducky, hmmmm mmmm mmmm... Rubber Ducky, hmmmm mmmm mmmm". Turns out this musically impaired individual is some guy dressed up like a 6 year old girl. No wait - he just stood up and I'm guessing those giant brown balloons pinned its chest means it is actually a female. Either way, she is still dressed like a 6 year-old (even though she looks like she's about 30) - the whole thing is just a little too creepy for my liking.

She calls for her "Mom", who turns out to be an old man in drag. She and her strangely normal looking Husband are going away on holiday, leaving this surgically enhanced little boy and her sister alone. The Mother says they aren't allowed any boys over and then leaves. Firstly, after saying "No Boys", I wonder if they will follow that rule? And secondly, what normal parent expects their 5 year-old fake-chested hermaphrodite to invite boys over?

That was the weirdest sentence I think I've ever written.

Anyway, little miss "I got basketballs stuck to my chest so people would stop thinking I was a guy" sits down to watch a video she got in the mail called "Terror Toons". If I'm going on about her chest, I can't help it. It is seriously disgusting - she's not a large girl and these plastic sacks look like they weigh more than her. It's amazing how much money some girls will pay to look so much worse. And the fact that they've cast her as a little girl just really makes me question what audience they made this for, and if the FBI are going to soon raid my house and arrest me for purchasing soft kiddy porn. Actually, I didn't buy this - Jeremy bought it for me for my birthday. So if I'm going down, you're coming with me, sucka! That'll teach you to buy me birthday presents that cause my brain to vomit inside my head.

Where was I?
Enter the sister we haven't seen yet, and jeepers she looks old!
There are some seriously weird genes going on in this family; either there is supposed to be a 40 year age gap between the two, or she also looks very old for her age. I think they have names, but I don't care right now. The old one is with a friend and she looks about half her age. The young one leaves and the friend says "Y'know, your sister's kinda weird"
Amen to that

So inflata-sister goes to watch the evil cartoon. And just in case you didn't guess this cartoon was evil. we see it was directed by THE DEVIL!!!
The cartoon involves the Dr. back in the cartoon dimension with his side-kick Max Assassin - a guy in a monkey costume. More like a monkey mask and gloves, because other than that he's wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and they're pretty lousy even by a monkey's standard.The older sister and her friend invite over some boys (OH NO - they didn't listen to their parents! I hope that doesn't come back to haunt them...) And then it's back to the pain of Dr. Carnage and his wonderful cartoon world, where he and his monkey attack people in 'wacky' ways

I've seen better animation from disabled children in India using an Amiga 500 and some string. The string is to hang themselves instead of having to watch this. Alas, I gave my flatmates my shoelaces earlier in anticipation of such an act, so there is no escape for me. The things I do for you all...

The other girls and their fellas can't decide on what game to play - strip poker, or ouija board. So they agree on a compromise; strip ouija. The ouija board will tell them what clothes to take off. And who said this script isn't intelligent? But again the creep factor climbs another notch; that one girl is so much older than the rest, it's like they are playing with their Mother!

Meanwhile, Dr. Carnage and the monkey magically fly out of the TV and kill little Barbie wannabe girl. Lesson to all women; having a cartoon body won't protect you from cartoon violence.


The game of strip ouija winds down after Cindy (yes I finally caught the older sister's name) ignores the constant pressure from the guys to take her shirt off. Thank you Cindy for not giving in to peer pressure, even if it does mean disobeying the ouija. No wait, they are starting another "Shirt, shirt, shirt" chant. But Cindy stays strong. Good for you - you are a model to middle-aged Mothers everywhere.

Suddenly, a mirror ball is lit up in the living room and some crappy attempt at dance music starts playing. One of the hunks asks Cindy "Who are they?" but of course, because this movie is so well made, we don't actually see who he is talking about until 10 minutes later! I'm not kidding - we didn't even see an image of them before he asked it. What kind of crap amateur video is this? Anyway, after what is possibly the worst reveal shot in the history of film (just to really compound the stupidity here) we eventually see Dr. Carnage and Max the Monkey Faced Man in the lounge. And they begin dancing. Remember that scene in Hitch where Will Smith is teaching Kevin James how to dance, and when Will doesn't like his dancing he slaps him? Well, judging by his reaction in that scene, Will Smith would have rolled in here and Chris Benoit'd a whole lot of morons had he seen this. But I don't think he would have bothered leaving Bibles next to their rotting carcases, because I don't even think God's mercy covers awful stuff like this. Cindy and her children show their mental capacity by laughing at them, until Eddie laughs his brain out. And no I'm not kidding.


Sorry Doc, but I can't give you the credit for that kill. Eddie's lousy personal hygiene must have had something to do with it.



The others escape, but not for long; Rick gets hypnotised by a spinning picture outside the door and blows chunks on the girls. Don't think he'll be scoring tonight. He gets captured by the villains and tortured with cardboard knives anyway. About time

And now everyone is captured, leading to a magic show (?) where Cindy yells "You're animals - both of you! Horrible, filthy animals!" at Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin. Considering Max is a monkey, that was quite astute of her. Long story short, Cindy screams a lot, her friend gets cut in half, and cartoon vultures fill the screen. And I drink some battery acid to numb the pain

Now Cindy gets magically sent to Hell to meet the Devil, who is reading the latest Hollywood news. He explains his evil plan to destroy the world and finally gain some respect. I'm surprised; despite the fact that he sounds terribly drunk and it looks like he's reading cue cards, he is easily the best actor in this entire movie. It's just a pity he is overshadowed by ground-breaking special effects.

Cindy turns into a superhero and threatens to kick the devil's ass, to which he turns himself into a cheesy flame and disappears. On a side note, that was the longest part of dialogue in this entire pile of junk (other than the "shirt" chants) - took up at least 15 minutes.

Cindy finds the machine that is making the DVDs, and instead of destroying it and defeating the Devil like she said she would, she just stands there and looks at it for about 2 years. Then she plays with some buttons, until she is attacked by Max Assassin. She quickly uses her super powers to defeat him, and then kills Dr. Carnage when she slices his rubber head in half and some more drawings fill the screen. I hope when I die that some crappy drawings of Kiss can come out and rock the house...

Then her parents come home and find all the carnage.

They scream in terror, she screams with laughter, and I sing a merry song to celebrate the end of 70 minutes of pure agony.




Until we go to the neighbour's house and see a little boy excitedly grab his Terror Toons DVD out of the mailbox.




I'm not even touching the sequel.