WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two

2 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,553

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
As mentioned yesterday (3 hours ago), when they ran down the card for this show, I was actually filled with hope. And jealousy. Because I think I may actually give a hoot about some of these matches. And all the worst people were part of night one. Except The Miz is still hosting. But, again, I will take that over him actually wrestling.

America The Beautiful
Jimmie Allen is somebody that I've never known. And he really dressed up for the occasion.

He just grooves on his own for a little bit and, hey, at least he sang the ending well?
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is back... in a bath robe.

Tonight is "more star power". No shit - Austin Theory and Brock Lesnar are not the same. Also, this is not a sequel; the first time they did "WrestleMania Hollywood" was WrestleMania XXI, so at this point it is more of a trilogy.

It's The fucking Miz and Snoop Dogg the WWE Marijuana Champion? The Miz does his arm thing again and just looks genuinely awkward. And shit.

Opening Match
Brock Lesnar vs Omos (w/MVP)

Omos just throws Lesnar around and it is fantastic! He eventually makes a mistake, so Lesnar takes him to suplex city.

Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following an F5
6/10

Maaaan that was too quick!

WWE Shop offer free shipping again - they said it was yesterday only, so their shop lies as well? It's like they're not even trying anymore, but hey, neither am I!

Big E is still stuck at the vending machine.

Who plays these shitty WWE video games? I'll stick to WCW Backstage Assault, thank you very muchly.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs Shotzi & Natalya vs Chelsea Green & Sonya Deville vs 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler

Liv has yet another new tag-team partner at WrestleMania. Wow, Rousey has really fallen off, huh? I don't think this Raquel is related to Rogan. Everyone is scared of her and she just laughably shrugs off a dropkick. Natalya goes for the double Sharpshooter. Where have Rousey and Baszler been? Because they sure haven't been in this match - they haven't even been on the apron awaiting a tag or anything. And why is Baszler missing a boot??

Winners = 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler via submission (Rousey with an armbar on Shotzi)
5/10

Rousey and Baszler celebrate for longer than they were in the match.

Video Package
More bullshit about Dominik Mysterios bad new friends. They used to hang out with Edge? Oh, wait - I think this is that faction they kinda started at WrestleMania XXXIX - so when I predicted they wouldn't be together by the next WrestleMania, I was kinda right - because they gave Edge the boot. Fair enough, he is old and boring.
5/10

Highlight of the Night again? The last one had zero to do with this actual night... and neither does this one! Bobby Lashley threw some fat dude out of the ring and won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. And now he's on the stage to show off his trophy. Usually that would be the prelude to someone coming out and trashing it... but nope, this is just Lashley waving and holding his trophy like a dork. Corey Graves pretends this is some sort of amazing achievement that will only further Lashley's career. I think I will never hear this mentioned again... possibly because I don't watch WWE outside of WrestleMania...

Xavier Woods and his band of dorks run another video game simulation for the next match. If this were WCW Backstage Assault, I would just play as La Parka and beat their asses with a chair. Or a flaming 2x4.

Video Package
Some German dude has been whooping people and is now the Intercontinental Champion. Sheamus wants to challenge him. Drew McIntyre... has a sword. So it's a battle of the European dudes. Except it seems a bit more about Sheamus and McIntyre than the champion.
5/10

Titus is back on commentary for another round of impersonating Dusty Rhodes and I'm here for it.

Oh shit, more commercials? This particular match gets its own sponsor??

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Triple Threat
Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther (c)
I think this is first I'm seeing of the new Intercontinental belt. Or I just haven't been paying attention - which is VERY possible. Gunther delivers some massive chops and they just look hilarious on Sheamus. Then Gunther and McIntyre have a full-on chop battle. Chops and slaps for everyone! Sheamus pounds on McIntyre so much he looks gassed! Sheamus has it won, but McIntyre interferes. Gunther powerbombs Sheamus on to McIntyre and then powerbombs McIntyre for fun!

Winner = Gunther via pinfall following powerbombs for both Sheamus and Drew McIntyre. Equal opportunity powerbombs!
8/10

Bah gawd that was physical - almost to the point of being uncomfortable, but not quite, so it was just awesome. The commentators give it a standing ovation.

The Miz pays children to like him. Creepy.

WWE exploiting kids and stuff again.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the title at the previous WrestleMania. And the two before that, but they don't seem to want to mention those. Asuka has new facepaint. And they show fans booing her, so we all know she is the villain here.
4/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair (c) vs Asuka
Asuka never wins at WrestleMania, so I think Belair is in for a longer title reign. The really should hire a Japanese artist to perform Asuka's entrance theme. Or just get the rights to Rule by Ayumi Hamasaki. Belair keeps the night's theme of 'children are cheap labour' by having a bunch of kids dancing during her entrance. And holy shit the commentators have listened to me and are shutting the fuck up during these entrances! Asuka hits a whole lots of spinning shit. Belair is strong! Asuka misses the mist and gets an armbar, but yeah Belair is strong.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following her KOD or whatever it is called
7/10

Asuka's WrestleMania losing streak continues! She must surely be close to Big Show's record by now.

Alpha Academy are much less interesting than a chocolate bar.

Recap of the main event last night, because The Usos actually losing a match at WrestleMania is wildly unbelievable.

Things have been going well, so now it's time for The Miz and Snoop Dogg. They are trying to claim both nights attendance as one total, but I would guess 90% of the people here tonight were here yesterday. I mean, some of these dudes in the front row haven't even changed their clothes. The Miz bitches at Snoop Dogg about having to wrestle Pat McAfee... and it sounds like Snoop Dogg is going to make him wrestle again?

Shane McMahon vs The Miz
BAHAHAHAHA Shane immediately blows his knee attempting a leap frog.

No contest?

Snoop Dogg is pissed and takes it out on The Miz. Oh, now it's really on...

Snoop Dogg vs The Miz
A "People's Elbow" so hilarious, I can hear those wacky Germans laughing at 4am from the other side of the world. And a year in the past...

Winner = Snoop Dogg via pinfall following Snoopy's elbow?
10/10 no notes

Video Package
Edge worked his way to the top by being a total dick? Then he retired due to injury. He was a dick, so that's what you get. Finn Balor rose up in his place, or something. Edge came back after 9 years and claimed he was a better man, but he formed this Judgment Day group and they are bad guys. So bad, they turned on Edge. Rhea Ripley beat up Edge's wife. So why is Edge so mad at Balor? Why isn't he fighting Ripley?? The narrative here was all over the place.
2/10

Hell in a Cell
Edge vs Finn Balor
Trying to make an entrance all spooky with candles and shit does not work when doing it during the day time. Oh, wait - it's a tie-in for a fucking movie. WCW did this shit as well. Edge is disco gimp??

He's wearing a jacket with the old 'The Brood' logo and Cole says they debuted in 1997. Considering Edge debuted months before the rest of The Brood and he himself didn't debut until WrestleMania XIV in 1998, you can fuck off with your misinformation. Immediately with the weapons and Balor just no sells chair shots. Edge apparently regrets forming Judgment Day and now wants to make up for it by destroying his creation - just like Ted Dibiase and the NWO. More weapons. These painted kendo sticks look like folded drinks umbrellas. The crowd call for tables, because they are clearly invested in this story. Balor is leaking blood, so the match stops? And we switch to a wide shot so the viewers can't see him being tended to by a doctor. That's actually lamer than in WCW. Edge kills time during this break by looking for more weapons and then doing nothing with them. The match resumes... Balor makes noises like he's the fucking Tasmanian Devil. He lays Edge on a table and bahahaha it immediately splits perfectly in the middle.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a con-chair-to
5/10

That was fucking silly. And pausing the match to tend to a cut completely killed any momentum it might have been gaining. Edge should go talk to Bret Hart about how great his match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper would have been if they had stopped it to clean up his blood.

Montage of WWE doucheburgers re-enacting famous scenes from various movies. Hold up; one of these dudes drops an F-bomb, but blood in a wrestling match is not allowed?!?!

Backstage Interview
Kayla still works here! Bianca Belair is partying with little children. Find some friends your own age!

Backlash. Bad Bunny. Boring.

Hall of Fame: Class of 2023
This year's inductees were Stacey Kiebler and Andy Kaufman. Obviously there were young girls in attendance, because Jerry 'the King' Lawler had to provide his speech via online. The Great Muta was inducted - despite never wrestling for WWE - as well as.. a referee? Oh, and Rey Mysterio. But not Rey Mysterio, Jr.? He was awesome in WCW. And that Adidas suit is something.

WrestleMania XL will always be sunny in Philadelphia.

More highlights of night one, like I didn't already watch that shit.

The Miz thinks you should gamble.

The Weeknd are still providing WrestleMania theme songs. And they are still terrible.

Do the Safety Dance in jail after you fail to do your taxes properly?

No wonder this company makes so much money they have to cut people due to budget cuts...

Video Package
Cody Rhodes has wanted to be WWE Champion since he was 8 years old and now he is going to finish his story. So he'll win and then die?? You know, all weekend these pre-match videos have been providing all sorts of backstory and helping the casual viewer (e.g. LOGMAN) informed of the story behind the matches. But then when it comes to the main event, they tell us absolutely nothing. That's the WWE I know!
6/10

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Championship
Cody Rhodes vs Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman and some other dude named Solo?)
Reigns is introduced by... pianists? Michael Cole hilariously mocks Cody Rhodes for failing to become an actor when he was younger. And then he goes on to bag on The American Dream for never winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship. I mean, he came to the WWF for a grand total of 18 months in the midst of Hulkamania and was stuck feuding with the likes of Big Bossman and Honky Tonk Man. Hardly the respect a multiple-time NWA Heavyweight World Champion deserved. Paul Heyman babbles something about Roman Reigns "owning an island of relevancy". Honestly sounds like something Roger Moore would have said in Spice World. Haha what the commentators are impressed Rhodes knows the rules. Reigns dominates forever, until Rhodes eventually gets some offense and Cole is all like 'Wow, he's not just going to get smoked like a chump!' Ham Solo gets ejected from the match, but why do they bother agreeing to it? If they disqualify Reigns, he would still be champion. Rhodes hits a Crossroads and not even Heyman can pretend that was getting a three-count. Graves calls Reigns a "great white shark". Racist! Aaand here come the finishers! Reigns goes for a guillotine off his back and I'm pretty sure his shoulders were down for like a twenty-count. It's the main event at WrestleMania, so of course that means we gotta have the referee knocked out! Cole acts like it has never happened before. Well, allow me to check my notes...

*checks notes*

It's happened in the last 50 main events. Fuck you. The Usos run in and hit some superkicks and their Dudley Boys rip-off finisher. So Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens Mac chase them off. Rhodes recovers and hits a bunch of Crossroads... so Ham Solo comes back and murders Rhodes or something.

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear
6/10

If the referee was actually competent, he would have realised Ham Solo had disobeyed his order to leave the ringside and reversed his decision. And THAT would have been a fitting tribute to Dusty Rhodes!

I'll be honest; I knew the result of this and that probably hampered my enjoyment of the match. Michael Cole calls this the greatest title reign of all-time. HAHAHAHAHA no.

We get fan reactions and then it's pyro and posing and peace out!

WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther
   Very physical and very fun!
   
2. Worst Match
   Edge vs Finn Balor
   Like most Edge matches since he returned, it was slow and not all that exciting.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Snoop Dogg with the worst 'People's Elbow' ever? Shane O'Mac blowing his knee and thus ruining whatever they had planned?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host, although that is better than him wrestling. But then he went and did that, too. Again.
5. Star of the Show
   I mean... there really are no stars here?
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing barely anything and getting some sort of WWE belt out of it. Also, shout out to Rick Rubin for sitting behind the Spanish announce table at some point but obviously not agreeing to be on camera.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I don't think there were any other celebrities tonight, but Logan Paul was in the highlights from last night, so let's just go with him, because fuck that douche.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Dear readers, I'm not going to lie to you; tonight I went kinda cheap. I had simple wraps of a Hoki filet on spinach with some baba ghanoush and a bit of coleslaw, all in a garlic butter wrap. I wasn't excited for this show, so didn't go all out on the meals this year. But I sure went 200% on the PepsiMax with Raspberry...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I can't say for certain, but I may have only got a bit of sauce on my sleeve. Which led to a great deal of panic, because this Hart Foundation hockey jersey was far more expensive than that white t-shirt I threw a WrestleMania logo...
10. Overall Score
    That was a WrestleMania! I had a nap after day one and a whole bottle of Pepsi, so maybe that helped my attitude, but there was genuinely not a bad match and some really fun ones to boot. As always, the skits and ads and hosts were fucking awful, and having the bad guy win the main event is kind of a downer, but otherwise this was probably the best WrestleMania I have watched in years.
    7 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night One

1 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,303

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have only just started watching WCW in 1998, so what better time for a trip to 25 years in the future (or one year in the past) and watch last year's WrestleMania? Cody Rhodes is here to follow his Father's dream... of losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, or something. And that's about all I know. And I care about even less. But, it is Good Friday so let's watch some WrestleMania and make it a Bad Friday...

NIGHT ONE

America The Beautiful
Becky G is here to sing the song today. She once did a cool song with J-Hope. This is not that song.
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is our host? Oh, no - he is just presenting this video. WrestleMania is a Once Upon a Time in Hollywood story... which makes no sense, as the first WrestleMania was in New York and Titan's offices are in Connecticut. Maybe Quentin Tarantino is directing this? It's WrestleMania Hollywood again, so the wrestlers have filmed a bunch of classic movie scenes to show off their terrible acting skills again. Fucking kill me now. Bahahahah Kevin Hart says this show has star power "like Austin Theory" - a guy with all the star power of a door knob in Cornwall. 
2/10

Michael Cole welcomes us and aaaaahhhhh fuck The Miz is hosting with Snoop Dogg. Fucking kill me again.

Opening Match
WWE US Championship
John Cena vs Austin Theory (c)
John Cena makes wishes come true for lots of children. Not sure what that has to do with this match; did he refuse to grant Theory's wish? Is Theory uncomfortable with how much WWE like to exploit these sick children? For example, having a bunch of kids on stage for John Cena's introduction. None of them are wearing John Cena t-shirts; in fact, one of them is dressed in a Hulk fucking Hogan costume.

Gosh, Cena is going bald! Theory bites him a few times and Graves writes it off to the referee being lenient because it is WrestleMania. He also thinks there is a possibility that John Cena wins and becomes the US Champion. Of course there is a referee bump and John Cena thinks he has won the match, which means he doesn't.

Winner = Austin Theory via pinfall following some variation of the F5 but with a dumber name
5/10

HHH thinks him in a private plane has everything to do with being a wrestler in a video game.

Shoosh have a chocolate bar.

WWE Shop with the evergreen ugly clothing. This year's WrestleMania special is free shipping? Cheap bastards. 

This year's theme song is AGAIN a shitty song from The Weeknd. Might even be the same shitty song, for all I know. His music sounds like the most generic background music for department stores.

We've had one match and it's already time for the Highlight of the Night? Is it one of the 76 advertisements? Oh, it is something that took place on another show - so it has nothing to do with WrestleMania.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy vs Braun Strowman & Ricohet vs The Viking Raiders (w/Valhalla)

For a moment, I thought The Viking Raiders had the Pepsi logo on their gear. One benefit of posting last year's WrestleMania bLog was that I am coming in to this match actually knowing who Alpha Academy are this time! But still not The Viking Raiders and their non-Pepsi sponsored gear. The Street Profits are still cool. It's crazy that they are never the champions, yet The Usos are always the champions at WrestleMania and have about a 1/5th of the charisma. Strowman runs around the ring doing the worst shoulder tackles I've ever seen. I should add that Titus O'Neal has joined the commentary team for this match and he seems to be channeling Dusty Rhodes. Which makes him the best commentator this company has had in about 20 years. And The Street Profits are still cool.

Winners = The Street Profits via pinfall following cool stuff
6/10

We get some sort of recap of Brock Lesnar's wikpedia page career history. Because tomorrow night Brock Lesnar takes on Omos? Oh, shit - why did I wait a year to watch this?!? Omos is now being billed as 7'3". I'm sure when he first appeared they were billing him as 8 foot or something.

Xavier Woods is backstage with nerds and wrestlers not worthy of a match at WrestleMania. They are running sims on the new WWE video game. But which platform? I want to make fun of this, but I'll take it over more of The Miz.

Video Package
Oh fuck off.
3/10

Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul
Logan Paul copies the Shawn Michaels entrance from WrestleMania XII, except slower and way more lame. Rollins has a conductor to lead the crowd in some chanting or some bullshit, and for the only time in my life I can relate to Logan Paul.

Fuck this. I'm not writing about these turds today.

Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following a curb stomp
4/10

Oh there is a WWE Biography show on Dusty Rhodes? Guess what I'll be watching after this bullshit...

Big E can't decide between a Snickers or a Snickers... or a Snickers.

Video Package
Bayley has new friends. Walmart Lady GaGa still sucks and is teaming with older more talented women.
3/10

Becky Lynch, Lita & Trish Stratus vs Damage Ctrl (Bayley, Io Sky and Dakota Kai)
The good team get some kind of wannabe comicbook-style entrance video. Big Time Becks would be a terrible superhero name. This match is pretty much Damage Ctrl beating on Lynch for a while, until Lita gets the tag and it becomes obvious why Lynch was taking most of the match. Stuff happens and everyone hits their finishing maneuvers.

Winners = Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita via pinfall following something by Becky Lynch that I big time don't care about
5/10

Tomorrow night, Asuka will continue to lose at WrestleMania.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio loves his family, but his son Dominik fell in with a bad crowd and went to jail. They are wrestlers, so Rey should take some of the blame here... Anyways, Dominik did hard time (a whole night?) and that has changed him. He clearly gets his height from Mrs Mysterio, Jr. Rey refused to fight his own son until Dominik... told his Mother... to shut up!
6/10

Bad Bunny is joining the Spanish commentary team. Michael Cole claims this show is a sell out of around 70,000 people, but there sure are a lot of empty seats out there. The hot dog stands must be super busy or something...

Is this supposed to be footage of Dominik in prison? And now he's arriving in a police van, so he is coming direct from prison? Why was he there this time? And why is he now wearing a jacket and mask that he wasn't wearing in the video?

Michael Cole: "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed". I appreciate the effort, but you also watched the previous 20-something WrestleManias, so I don't think that is true.

Rey Mysterio vs Dominik Mysterio
Cole claims that Dominik "hasn't earned the right to wear a lucha mask". Yeah - he hasn't eaten the 1kg burrito at Mad Mex! Snoop Dogg is driving Rey to the ring in a Cadillac. To Eddie Guerrero's WWE theme. Just keep on milking it, guys... I've just finished watching 1997 WCW, which is Rey Misterio Jr. at the peak of his career. This is not that. A lot of back and forth, and then back and forth some more. Their family are ringside, so there is family drama. Then more back and forth. Dominik's bad friends come out to help him, so some other dudes in LWO shirts come out to help Rey. Seriously? L fucking W fucking O? I'm about a year away from Eddie Guerrero starting that in WCW, but seriously, are these people just completely devoid of all creativity? Dominik with the slowest 619 I may have ever seen. Honestly, I feel sorry for this kid; when his Dad was his age, he was already a multi-time WCW Cruiserweight champion and had had numerous 5-star matches. And had even lost his mask! In fairness, he had also been a pro for like ten years already as well, but there is no reason Dominik couldn't have learned from his Father and started younger. And gotten better.

Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following a splash
6/10

A group of children were lied to and they had to hang out with The Miz. So torturing regular children is okay, so long as you grant some wishes for sick kids?

Bad Bunny will host the next WWE show that I will never watch.

Why would I care about some people watching this show in Germany at 4am? Did I need to know that Germans are wacky?

Video Package
Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble and challenged Charlotte Flair. Didn't that already happen a couple of years ago? Again, nothing original going on here...
2/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Rhea Ripley vs Charlotte Flair (c)
I think Michael Cole just claimed that Charlotte Flair has more wins at WrestleMania than anyone else in history? Perhaps he meant to say women only? Because Hulk Hogan has won more times than Flair has even appeared. And The Undertaker went like 21-0 or something. Coles mentions something about the "75,000 people in attendance" and I'm impressed the crowd has somehow grown in the last hour. There must be a massive queue for the bathrooms! Maybe there will be 150,000 people buying drinks by the end of the night! Charlotte Flair is 10 years younger than Trish Stratus. Charlotte Flair looks at least 10 years older than Trish Stratus.

Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following a top-rope Rip Tide
4/10

Michael Cole and Corey Graves say this was the greatest match ever. Uhh sure whatever, dudes.

Tomorrow some dudes want to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Cool.

The Miz announces the attendance has grown even further to reach 80,000! Wow, who would have believed it... He claims he put out an "open challenge" on social media, because he's the toughest man in the building. Dude, you're not even the toughest man in the front row. Pat McAfee comes out and says he couldn't find The Miz's "open challenge" on any of the social media sites, but forgets to list MySpace like a rookie. Cole claims McAfee is undefeated; pretty sure he lost to that old POS and it was embarrassing. Fuckhead. McAfee challenges The Miz to a match because this fucking show hasn't been boring enough. Cole is so excited it's like someone offered him free ice cream for life. McAfee starts a "tiny balls" chant at The Miz. Wait - Snoop Dogg has some WWE belt? And he has the power to make this match official?

Pat McAfee vs The Miz
Corey Graves hates Pat McAfee for some reason. Which is fine, because I hate Corey Graves for all the reasons. The Miz comes off the top rope into a superkick. Some famous guy I don't know - likely sports - attacks The Miz and McAfee doesn't get disqualified. Nice of the Mysterios to give up their seats so this dude could have a whole little section to himself. The crowd give zero fucks about him or this match or any of this.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall following a punt
5/10

The Miz got in zero offence, so maybe this was match of the night...

WrestleMania next year will be in Philadelphia. Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa has got to be making an appearance, right?

They run down the card for tomorrow's (tonight's?) card. Legit looks a million times more interesting than night one.

More advertisements encouraging people to bet on WWE matches. Gambling is bad, yo! And betting on a TV show seems particularly lame.

Video Package
Sami Zayn used to hang out with The Bloodline, which meant he couldn't be friends with Kevin Owens Mac - even though they stopped being friends a couple of WrestleManias ago? But then Zayn turned on The Bloodline to be friends with Kevin Owens Mac again? Cue teen drama music and dialogue about friendships and family (and I mean this literally). It's all kinds of pathetic. BUT at least these fucks are actually using the video packages to tell viewers why the match is happening!
6/10

Musical Performance
Lil' Uzi Vert sounds like a shitty drink from Starbucks. This loser sure ain't no King of Rock.
1/10

Do the safety dance, but not your taxes?

These shitburgers got paid a billion dollars and still fill this fucking show with all the advertisements...

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Tag-Team Championship
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos (c)
As always, it is WrestleMania and The Usos are tag-team champions. Nothing original. Cole says they have been champions for almost two years now. I find it hard to believe much of what that clown says, but let's pretend for a moment that he is actually correct for once; that would mean The Bloodline have held two world championships and two tag-team championships for two years. Why?? It seems unnecessary. The Hart Foundation were an infinitely better faction and when they held a bunch of titles it was only for a few months. And they held more, because they were better. Usos beat down Zayn to start. And continue. And continue some more. Kevin Owens Mac finally gets the tag, so that means things get a bit more back and forth. And The Usos hit a million superkicks like they think they're The Young Bucks at a superkick party. The Spanish announce table was destroyed earlier in the show - I didn't mention it, because it was meaningless - and now they have a new one, so Kevin Owens Mac tries to put an Uso through it. Which, of course, means Owens Mac is going through a table instead. Superkicks and finishers everywhere!

Winners = Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac via pinfall following 3 haloumi kicks from Sami Zayn
7/10

New champions!

Pyro and celebrations and highlights of everything I just had to watch and see you tomorrow! Or in an hour!

WrestleMania XXXIX - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos
   Good match and storytelling for once. Well worked. And everything else on this show was all sorts of boring.
2. Worst Match
   Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul.
   Rollins was slow and Paul is green as boogers. And even more unlikeable. And this just felt like a big commercial for all his brands. Don't buy his shit.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Not a whole lot... my hot cross buns?.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host. Although, I suppose that was better than him wrestling. But he went and did that, too...
5. Star of the Show
   John Cena? 
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing very little and earning a WWE title belt or something.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Lil' Uzi Nerd and his autotune pedal. That dude is garbage and if you like his music you need to have your spotify account cancelled.
8. Tonight's Meal
   It's early, so I kicked things off with breakfast wraps for brunch; hummus, eggs. spinach, sautéed mushrooms in a low carb spinach wrap. I thought maybe it was too early for Pepsi, so I had some classic 7up Light. But by the time Charlotte Flair hit my TV screen, I was reaching for the Pepsi-Max with Raspberry.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Well, I actually did, but it didn't leave any stains. My Hart Foundation hockey jersey is safe. For now...
10. Overall Score
    Holy zombie Jeebus on his holy day was that one boring fucking show. Admittedly, the super bad was limited, but I just didn't give a fuck about anything happening and none of it was good enough to change my mind. The matches were all kinds of mediocre and these 'superstars' just have zero charisma. Hilariously, I had considered watching WCW Souled Out 1998 before this show and I think that would have made things so much worse; going from Bret Hart vs Ric Flair to the fucking Alpha Academy and Austin Theory would have had me going to church or something. I would like to say this was not the worst WrestleMania ever, but when I consider the fact this was twice as long as what I consider to be the worst WrestleMania, well... fuck this show.
    3 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night One

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,719

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
I'm back again! It's Easter Sunday - the day of the resurrection! Which is appropriate, because my bLogging of WrestleMania feels a lot like a zombie just scouring the Earth looking for something that might be interesting. And I have no brain for doing this.

Anyway, what's in store for me today? Ronda Rousey returns! Cody Rhodes possibly returning, too! And Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns for the 100th time, except this time it's to unify the two world titles. I'm actually interested! What I'm not interested in is the sheer length of this nonsense; I've actually finally caved and will be skipping the pre-shows from now on. I mean, I don't bLog about them and they are a colossal waste of time anyways, but if WWE want to make them TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG and then have WrestleMania go for another FOUR hours, and then multiply that over TWO FUCKING NIGHTS... yeah, Fuck y'all. Also, the pre-shows are usually so terrible, contain no actual matches and are just filled with annoying people that it immediately makes me hate WrestleMania before it even begins!

On that note...

NIGHT ONE

America the Beautiful
Bradley Gilbert is awful. The dudes singing harmony are even worse. This is like hard rock country wannabe? Or country hard rock wannabe? Either way, I wannabe dead.
2/10

Opening Video Package
Mark Wahlberg tells the wrestlers to "catch some greatness". Oh no, I misunderstood - his plea was for "WrestleMania Saturday" to catch the greatness. Because the wrestlers don't matter. You know, they could actually use this opening video to hype some of the matches instead of just pretending WrestleMania is the greatest invention in the history of history.
3/10

"Stupendous" is the word of the night, apparently. They claim there are over 70,000 people in attendance, which is probably a lie. And not even that great of a lie, when you consider they had over 100,000 people last time they were in this stadium. Y'all should just lie big and claim 200,000 people.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are going to open the show? Skipping the pre-show isn't going to help much. Fuck this show.

Rick Boogs plays guitar. Pat McAffee parties on the commentary table. 

Stupendous.
Hey, Boogs - your guitar needs tuning. Badly. There is a recap from an earlier episode of Smackdown, where Boogs pretended to be injured to... get a title shot? Plays out of tune guitars, screams in falsetto, pretends to be injured - Boogs might actually be the best thing in WWE today!

Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs (w/out of tune guitar) vs Jimmy & Jey Uso (c)
Oh, what a shock - the Uso's are the tag-team champions at WrestleMania! McAfee can't be bothered with the Uso first names, so I immediately like this guy. He says stupendous another 10 times, so he immediately lost that goodwill. Cole has absolutely nothing to talk about, so he just lists all the championships Nakamura has won... then does it all over again a couple of minutes later. Then tells us Lesnar vs Reigns is "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history". Clearly, Michael Cole is invested in this match. Boogs does some weird suplex where he drops to a knee and goes back up. Why? Oh, now he's really injured?

Winners = Jimmy & Jey Uso via pinfall following the old Dudley Boys' finisher because they are that void of anything interesting.
6/10

Michael Cole says something about Texas being Metroplex. I must have missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

Video Package
Baron Corbin used to be sad, because he lost all his money. He couldn't get in the arena to wrestle for WWE. How does being poor mean you no longer get security clearance for your job? Do the wrestlers have to pay to enter? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me... He was prepared to quit wrestling, but then he won millions of dollars at the casino - so now he is very happy. And used his winnings to buy a best friend? Holy shit - this is actually hilarious! The new happy friends beat up Drew McIntyre at some WWE show and stole his sword. McIntyre went from winning the championship at WrestleMania, to losing the championship at WrestleMania, to fighting BARON CORBIN in one of the opening/meaningless matches.
8/10

Drew McIntyre (w/sword that I guess he stole back?) vs 'Happy' Corbin (w/Madcap Moss)
Moss won the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, which I guess has been permanently moved to the Smackdown before WrestleMania, justifying my decision to drop the pre-shows from my viewing experience. Because seriously, what is the point of a TWO FUCKING HOUR pre-show if there are no matches? Corbin is winning, so of course that means he gets into an argument with Moss, which leads to McIntyre turning things around. McIntyre does his big dive over the top rope - mind your wang!!! Corbin gets a two count and is very NOT happy hur hur hur.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following a claymore kick.
6/10

Corbin will be even less happy now.

Moss tries to get in the ring, but McIntyre chops the ropes with his sword and there are some explosion noises. Then he visits the commentary table and Pat McAfee is on his phone hahaha.

Some dude talked shit to his girlfriend about Sheamus in private, but she totally sold him out and now he's offering Sheamus a Snickers. I guess this is better than previous years...

WrestleMania t-shirts are discounted more than last year. Uglier, too.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio teaming with his son, Dominik, is a dream come true. The Miz needed a new tag-team partner, because John Morrison got fired yet again. So he chose the only person possibly more unlikeable than himself in Logan Paul. This is easily the worst tag-team in the history of history.
4/10

And to think, I was actually enjoying this show...

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (not his real surname) vs The Miz & Logan Paul
Rey is repping the Mexico flag and Dominik is flying the colours of the USA... because he hates his heritage? Corey Graves just turned up on commentary because I needed all my least favourite people in one place. Logan Paul does some punches and high jumps, and Graves actually compares him to The British Bulldog. Oh, fuck you very much! How did Jimmy Smith go from calling MMA with Bellator and the UFC, to selling this nonsense? Logan Paul pulls off Eddie Guerrero's signature moves because WWE can't stop milking the man's career. Apparently The Miz tagged himself in when Logan Paul was in the middle of the ring?

Not a legal tag

Winners = The Miz & Logan Paul via fuck off.
3/10

The Miz attacks Logan Paul to thunderous applause. I guess these two must now feud. They can do it all year, for all I care - I won't see any of it!

Stephanie McMahon comes out to greet the crowd because she thinks she is her Dad. I mean, she does surely suck as well. She introduces some American dude that will be a future WWE "superstar". I care more about this ad for Young Rock, and I gave up on that after episode 3.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania last year, and it was a big deal. Such a big deal, that WWE had her lose the title 4 months later to Becky Lynch in like 20 seconds. WWE sure know how to book stars! Belair gave Lynch a haircut. And that's how she earned her rematch? She comes across like a really sore loser.
5/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Becky Lynch (c)
So what Lynch's name now? Big Time Becks? And her gimmick is thinking she's Walmart Lady GaGa?

The champion gets to stand in the ring while Belair has a marching band perform her entrance.

Honestly, the commentators really need to try shutting up for a couple of minutes during these big entrances - it would help them across as something special. Belair offers a handshake, but Lynch is like 'fuck you' and almost pins her in 10 seconds hahaha. Really, what they should have done was have Belair get revenge by pinning Lynch in 10 seconds - it would have been a great story. Instead, they have Lynch just beat the shit out of Belair for like 10 minutes. What kind of crazy person does a 450 splash from the middle turnbuckle? Lynch botches her finisher or something, but the commentators just pretend it was some innovative version of a dropkick. Sure thing, guys.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following DVD/KOD thing
5/10

New Champion!

There is some new series on the WWE Network/Peacock/Torrenting sites about bad guys in wrestling - but only talking to modern pro-wrestlers, like they know anything about being proper bad guys in pro-wrestling.

Video Package
Seth Rollins couldn't get a match at WrestleMania. Old POS Vince is like 'I'll give you a match, but your opponent will be a surprise!'. It's going to be Cody Rhodes, so it will only be a surprise if Seth Rollins managed to stay off the internet for a couple of months. He's a twitter addict, so I'm guessing not likely. And why would this be so important to him? He already earns megabucks - regardless of performing at WrestleMania or not - and it's not like this will be for a title or anything.
2/10

(Not Really a) Surprise Wrestler Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
Rollins is introduced by a glee club or something. And he's actually being billed as "Seth 'Freakin' Rollins"? Whoa, baby, that is dumb. The surprise wrestler should have been Vince McMahon himself - I would have laughed a lot. But, shockingly, it is Cody Rhodes. What actually is a surprise is that he's still using his AEW theme song. AND still has that gawdawful neck tattoo.

Cole: "No one at AT&T Stadium can believe it!" - is that why the crowd were chanting his name before his music hit? 
Cole: "Rhodes has been competing at the highest level his entire career recently."

What?

AND THEN the commentators start acting like he's been retired for the last six years instead of wrestling all over the world and helping start the second biggest pro-wrestling promotion in the USA. Guys, it's not like he was in the UWF. Or fucking TNA. How did Rhodes not get disqualified for kicking Rollins in the balls? And how is Rollins totally okay? Rhodes hits his finisher but only gets a 2-count and the commentators absolutely bury the man for not getting the win HAHAHAHA. Rollins hits the Pedigree and I actually thought that might be the end, because I could imagine winning with The H Bomb's finisher would help HHH feel like he won the match vicariously. Holy shit Rhodes is just covered in welts and bruises. He imitates his Dad, sans polka dots this time, and it's honestly the feelgood spot of the night.

Winner = Cody Rhodes via pinfall following THREE crossroads
8/10

That was good shit.

2022 Hall of Fame
The Steiner Brothers were inducted? They should have been the headliners. Especially when they were inducted alongside other such illustrious pro-wrestling legends as... Booker T's wife. Yeah, okay there was also Vader. And The Undertaker. You know, it's actually funny how that dude spent like 30 years protecting his character and the last couple of years have exposed why - because he's actually a complete douchebag.

Pat McAfee is actually some sort of NFL player? But he always dreamed of becoming a pro-wrestler and has even been training for a few years. So tomorrow night he will make his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania Sunday.

We're... we're really calling them WrestleMania Saturday and Sunday now?

Michael Cole informs us Rick Boogs tore his knee and will require surgery. What a WrestleMania moment he'll never forget!

Video Package
Charlotte Flair thinks she's tougher than Ronda Rousey, because WWE wrestlers and their fans forget this shit has scripted winners. "My legacy is bigger than yours" is really the argument you want to make to hype a match? Rousey guarantees to make Flair tap-out. It's Charlotte Flair, so I guarantee that will never happen.
4/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair (c)
No Joan Jett? Or caring from the crowd? Ronda with some back and forth to start. The crowd seem kinda split. And rather dead. I don't know if it's because she looks like her Dad, but Flair seriously looks and moves like she's about 50 years-old. We finally get some drama as they exchange bad submission holds. Flair goes for the figure-four. Rousey reverses it and tries for an armbar. Flair reverses that and goes for another figure-four, then turns it into the figure-eight. Now they're trading bad near-falls - they should have stuck to bad submissions. Of course we get a referee bump, so Flair taps out and no one sees it (except for the crowd and the people watching at home and the other referees). You're using a referee that is legit close friends with Ric Flair to the point he even imitated him for a time in WCW and was his sidekick called "Lil' Natche" who helped Ric Flair win matches. I can't imagine a reputable commission would allow such a conflict.

Winner = Charlotte Flair via pinfall like you were expecting anything else?
3/10

Bahahaha welcome back, Ronda Rousey! WWE gonna WWE, I guess.

Bobby Lashley tells us WWE is where he was always meant to be. Except for those years he wrestled for other companies after quitting WWE because of racism?

Pitbull provided tonight's theme song. Do people actually listen to Pitbull when he makes music without Enrique Iglesias?

There will be matches tomorrow night on "WrestleMania Sunday", including another 4-way women's tag-team match. Faaaark I might just delete my whole hard drive now.

Video Package
The worst Metallica music video you will ever see.
2/10

Next year, WrestleMania will be in Hollywood. Will it be WrestleMania Monday as well?

Video Package
Kevin Owens Mac hates Texas. So he's the good guy, right?? He called out 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin because he stole Austin's finishing move? Austin is like 'All I gotta do is turn up, talk nonsense for half an hour and hit you with a Stunner? Fuck yeah - pay me!'. Why are they playing Kid Rock here? He's not from Texas. But he sure does suck as much as Texas.
5/10

Main Event
The KO Show featuring 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Our main event is actually going to be talking segment? And it's actually going to last 40 minutes?? Kevin Owens Mac just makes jokes about Texas until Austin comes out. What they should have done was just have Owens Mac talk shit to the crowd for like 15 minutes and then have Austin come out, hit a stunner and drink beer. Instead they sit down to talk... Owens Mac says he wants to pour a beer on Austin. Guess this dude never watched Steve Austin drink beer, because he happily does that himself. Why are the crowd chanting "What?" at Austin? WWE fans truly are the worst. Owens Mac explains why he hates Texas and you can't argue with him - in fact, I'd suggest he could have said much worse. He tells Austin he doesn't just want to talk - he wants to fight! Well, I guess that would explain why you're both wearing your wrestling gear... Owens Mac says Austin is embarrassing himself, but I don't know - I would think challenging a 60 year-old man who retired 20 years ago to a fight is pretty fucking embarrassing. Austin says he had his very first match in Dallas, Texas, so he might as well have his very last match in Dallas, Texas. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug...

No Holds Barred
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Kevin Owens
This is a stupid idea. They trade right hands and then Austin SLOWLY stomps Owens Mac. He takes a beer and then SLOWLY stomps him some more. He knocks back (i.e. spills all over himself) beer #2. He's already old and slow - not sure how being drunk will improve things? Owens Mac actually gets in some offense, but it doesn't involve anything like making Austin actually take a wrestling move. Owens Mac pulls out a table; WWE laws mean he will be the one going through that. They brawl in the crowd and OH FUCK ME Owens Mac just suplexed Austin on the floor. Colour me fucking surprised; Austin is 60 and has had multiple neck surgeries - he shouldn't be doing this shit. Austin gets beers #3 to #5. Owens Mac tries to steal Austin's ATV. Pretty sure that would get you killed in Texas. So Austin throws Owens Mac on said ATV and takes him for a drive up the ramp. That would be considered drunk and dangerous driving anywhere else in the world. Beers #6 & #7. Corey Graves plugs Austin's beer label for him. It can't be that great, because Austin keeps spitting it everywhere. Owens Mac hits a Stunner. Austin kicks out. Owens Mac swings a chair and it bounces off the ropes back into his own face. Austin with the Stunner.

Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
7/10

Fuck it - it was a stupid idea, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.

Austin gets more beers and now I've lost count. Owens Mac gets up aaaaand gets another Stunner. I can't belive Owens Mac got to live out CM Punk's dream - pretty fucking spiteful of WWE, but this is the company that officially fired him on his wedding day, so WWE gotta WWE. Also, hell of a reason to make a dude re-sign with your company. No wonder Cody Rhodes came back. Maybe he'll get to avenge someone that betrayed his Father in WWE history... like... Sapphire?

Of course, Byron Saxton - proving WWE employees have never watched a WWE show in their lives - gets in the ring, hoping to share a beer with Steve Austin. Which means he also gets a Stunner. And bounces and flops around the ring like an electrocuted eel. Steve Austin's brother gets in the ring to share a beer with Austin aaaaaand... he doesn't get a Stunner. They drink/spill beer together and that's it for now!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
   I thought it had great action and the crowd reaction to Cody's return was pretty awesome. Also, it felt like a bit of a WWE vs AEW match.
2. Worst Match
   Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair
   I mean it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty boring and then that ending was hilariously typical WWE...
3. Highlight of the Show
   Maybe Cody's return?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Everything Logan Paul.
5. Star of the Show
   Steve Austin. That may have been the biggest pop I have heard in pro-wrestling in like 20 years.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Were there any? Does Ronda Rousey still count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul, duh. Sure, his wrestling was fine, but fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have actually suited more. Decided to try some raspberry PepsiMax with the first day...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was a pretty good show! There were some highs and some lows, but nothing overly awful. I was able to embrace the hilarious part of the hilariously bad, and that really helped. The booking is just WWE personified; The Uso's and Charlotte Flair retained their titles over people the crowd love and an old retired guy beat a younger guy in the main event. but I guess that's their problem. They can book the worst shows ever and still make a billion dollars sending their failure of a network to Peacock AND steal back a wrestler who helped start their biggest rival promotion. Fuck it!
    6 out of 10