UWF Fury Hour: Episode 38

UWF Fury Hour Episode 38, 12th August 1991

We have finally moved on from The Beach Brawl highlights! Although I sure will miss those office interviews... So after the disastrous spectacle that was the UWF's first and only PPV, where do they go from here? Who will step up to challenge the new UWF Sportschannel TV Champion?

There's footage of New York throughout the opening... yet Craig tells us we're in Florida? Looks like even these guys lost their budget.

Captain Lou Albano is backstage with The Fire Cat who has... uh... 
He says everyone else is bigger than him and Albano buries him as being "average-sized". They both try to imitate meowing and hissing.

We're back in an underground cave but now the ring mat is orange.

The Fire Cat vs Death Row 3260 (w/Some Little Dude)

Death Row 3260 is a man who went to prison for a crime he didn't commit and he's now out for revenge against society. Okay. Death Row 3260 is the new most useless wrestler I've seen yet.

Winner = The Fire Cat via roll up

Death Row 3260 is so garbage he couldn't even roll through on to both of his shoulders - he was clearly on his side, but I guess that's the best he could do.

Btw we no longer have any on-screen graphics - not just for jobbers but for anyone at all.

Captain Lou's Corner
This week Albano is in the ring and Herb joins him to interview Mr. Red. At Beach Brawl, Mr. Red was embarrassed in front of thousands of people. There was like 20 people in attendance and possibly less watched it on PPV. Mr. Red is now the "owner" of the Captain's Corner segment. What the fuck does that even mean? Albano beats him up until some bad guys come out. Herb hilariously fails to escape the ring but they still don't do anything to him. Mr. Red lays dead in the ring while people tend to him - this is generally how you would deal with a good guy being sneak attacked. UWF booking at it's finest!

I can't even begin to describe how hilariously terrible this voice over is. Also, no fucking way this show happens.

Frank E is backstage with Luna Vachon & The Black Harts - not Joan Jett & the Blackhearts. She's says they will be tag team champions and "God is an astronaut". 

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Joe and Dave

Luna screams a lot. Craig asks Bruno if he's seen The Phantom of the Opera and then seems confused that Bruno says yes. You're surprised he's a cultured man? Were you trying to trap him into showing he didn't get cultural references? Albano joins them on commentary and Bruno tries to shut him down - Bruno is my hero! The Black Harts hit their finisher but then throw the dude out of the ring to beat him up some more? A Black Hart hits a kick and Craig calls it a "Russian leg-sweep". Mother. Fucker. 

Winners = The Black Harts via another double team move

I've given up believing Craig about which double-team move is actually the vegematic, because he can't even call a fucking KICK correctly.

I really want some 'Dr. Death' cookies - Piña Colada sounds good! Bruno's were supposed to be next but I think somehow production didn't make it that far.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks before the bell - doesn't he always do that to Orndorff? Someone in the crowd yells "kick his wonderful ass!". Orndorff kinda 'hulks up' and beats up Orton. Do you think they talked earlier about wearing matching colours today?

They fight outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is like 'Why is the ref not counting them out? Or disqualifying Orton?' because if this was episode 2, this match would have been thrown out about 10 minutes ago. Craig tries to tell us he went to Orndorff's house to read his dictionary and the word "submission" had been removed. Pretty sure Orndorff has used submissions before. And Craig's never been to his house. Bruno says getting your arm broken instead of quitting is stupid hahaha. Things start getting crazy and... stupid voice over informs us the match is too long to be shown this week.

Classic.

Winner = The UWF Fury Hour Editor for making this show look stupid every week.

Thoughts:

• I... just... I don't know
• Nine more episodes to go...

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 37

UWF Fury Hour Episode 37, 15th July 1991

Tonight is highlights of the illustrious career of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Well... at least his UWF career. Wow. Can't wait...

First he started a feud with 'Mr.' Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, which involved many attacks from behind. He beat 'Mr. Wonderful' with a chair and "I don't go behind the back, that's why I tell everybody... watch your back". I laughed again.

Now it's time for highlights of their lumberjack match - including the entrances of the lumberjacks. Are we really that desperate for content? I find it hard to have an interest in reviewing this match again, because it was pure nonsense.

Now it's time for the steel cage match! Herb calls it the place "no man wants to go". Except Orndorff straight up asked for it, didn't he?

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Fuck it, I'll bite. Orndorff tries to escape early - which makes no sense, since he asked for the steel cage because he wanted to get revenge. Even Bruno expresses how much nonsense that is. 

ZOMG THE UWF OATMEAL COOKIES. I very much want a pack now. I would eat them while listening to this Jeep Wrangler song.

I get the feeling escaping the cage was the ONLY way to win this match, which is incredibly poor booking. Orndorff goes to walk out the cage door and Terry Gordy slams it on his head.

Winner = double-disqualification nonsense

Gordy gets in the cage and helps Williams beat on Orndorff. Cactus Jack waits outside to stop anyone getting in to help, so Don Muraco comes out and beats him up. Muraco gets in the cage and the bad guys beat him up to.

This led to: Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy - which never happened - and Mr Wonderful vs... Colonel DeBeers? Again, awesome booking.

Also double-disqualification in a Steel Cage match is the most bullshit ever, right up there with double-countout in a fucking Street Fight.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death'.

'Dr. Death' says... something?

Now we are treated to Bigelow's Beach Brawl promo: he has been "studying hard!" He has "ability, do-bility and ho-bility..." "Mo' money, mo' happy!" and other various hilarities.

Craig says 'Dr. Death' had to "get through the toughest matches of the tournament". It was the ONLY match of the tournament.

'Dr. Death' talks about secrecy in his training camp, "but there'll be no surprises for Bam Bam!". I thought that was the point of secrecy? Brian asks him what his motivation for this match is - winning the title isn't enough for you, Brian?? Williams complains about people stabbing him in the back. MOTHERFUCKER you did that to Orndorff every week from day one. Then he threatens Bigelow with an arm-drag. Ooooh no! I'm surprised Bigelow didn't just forfeit right now.

The Making of a Champion

Frank Sinatra sings us My Way over the top of more highlights of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams - including promos WITH NO SOUND. Again, 'Dr. Death's UWF highlights mainly involve him beating 'Mr. Wonderful' with chairs. What - no footage of him squashing Davey Meltzer the one time he was actually a good guy?

Oh, wait - that highlights package was our main event.

Thoughts:

• It may surprise you to know that 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams was actually related to Herb Abrams.
• I was going to bury this episode as a complete waste of time, but that end video package was hilarious; Sinatra crooning while a big hairy dude beats people with chairs? The whole shit was bizarrely surreal and had me laughing out loud.
• This week in WCW: Great American Bash 1991 - also a waste of time that featured some entertaining moments. But at least Ric Flair is gone for the next 18 months, so that's a bonus.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 36

UWF Fury Hour Episode 36, 8th July 1991

Tradition and fundamentals is totally what UWF is all about! I guess this boring and ill-informed opening video package means it's time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! And maybe more office interviews?

Today Craig sends us to the trailer for the latest Jean-Claude Van Damme movie: Double Impact. Hard to believe I've not seen it! But then again, there are a lot of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies I've never seen. I once planned to bLog a 'June-Claude Van Damme', where I watched 30 Jean-Claude Van Damme movies each day in June (get it?). It might be something to revisit...

Tonight we will relive the last 2 matches from Beach Brawl, plus a Killer Bees Mask Confusion match I may have seen before? What are they doing for the next couple of weeks??

Recap of the feud between Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Which was actually a feud between Colonel DeBeers and a black referee and 'Iceman' King Parsons and Billy Jack Haynes. Not once does 'Mr. Wonderful' make an appearance in those "highlights".

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
At least DeBeers comes out to Shout at the Devil. Maybe that album is the only CD Herb Abrams owns? I just realised they've never actually explained the rules of a strap match. Bruno even seems unsure of what the rules are.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

I don't recall my review during the PPV, but this match was not bad. However, the ending with the taser is fucking stupid. Craig's explanation of the "stun gun" is also fucking stupid. Orndorff convulses in the ring, so Bruno is very troubled.

Orndorff is in the office!

He feels there is no place for racism in pro-wrestling. I like that he pretends that he was the only person DeBeers was feuding with, like Billy Jack Haynes was never here. Craig tries to tell Orndorff that DeBeers embarrassed him by using the taser and Orndorff is like nope I was not embarassed - I won the match. Apparently DeBeers took a flag that was given to Orndorff by a little boy and Orndorff wants it back? Orndorff also owns a bowling centre where celebrities come to bowl and not drink alcohol because he refuses to sell it. He also admits he is not good at bowling. Crazy. 

Now we're back at the office with "the despicable one", Colonel DeBeers.

Brian makes fun of him for choosing the match stipulation and then losing the match. DeBeers references the Rodney King beatings, I'm guessing. He complains Craig and Brian aren't in uniform? What? DeBeers can't spell his own name thinks. He mentions Mr. Black, who only appeared once and was then fired. Apparently he did everything for DeBeers but how can anyone confirm that? I only ever saw him standing with DeBeers once and doing nothing else. Didn't even get him a glass of water or anything. He says that America is second-class compared to South Africa, and yet he's "adopted" a flawless American accent... "South Africa doesn't have slaves, just cheap labour". He says Orndorff has HIV, so he didn't want to make him bleed. Jeebus this guy... is just... not good.

Oh wow now we get a replay of the Captain's Corner segment at The Beach Brawl where Captain Lou Albano just buried The Blackharts and then walked out of the ring. Very worthwhile.

The Killer Bees Mask Confusion vs Cash Jackson & Hog Calhoun

Still not the Beach Brawl main event? I guess that's how they can make this Beach Brawl recap last another week...
I reviewed this match before. It may have been worse than I remembered.

Winners = The Killer Bees via dropkick

Dan Spivey is coming back to the UWF? Hopefully you've still got some t-shirts in stock!

Thoughts:

• Shit went downhill fast after the Orndorff/DeBeers match.
• DeBeers with his racist nonsense is one thing. To say Orndorff has the aids is just another level.
• WCW this week; Ric Flair just got stripped of the belt and PN News continues to rap out of time and shout Yo Baby Yo. The clear winner.
• There are still 10 episodes left and I can't possibly imagine how this company is actually able to continue after this week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 35

UWF Fury Hour Episode 35, 1st July 1991

UWF is like the past except people make explosion noises when they are slammed. WELCOME TO THE BEACH BRAWL!

It's the same intro from Craig and Bruno, except this time when Craig sends us to the show we get... an ad for AT&T.

Boris Zhukov (w/Mr. Red) vs Paul Samson
The ring announcer tells us "his oppponent weighs his opponent"? There is absolutely ZERO crowd response. Mr. Red calls both wrestlers professionals bahahaha. Anyone watching this match would argue differently - Samson can't even keep hold of an arm. And Zhukov runs the ropes like the ring is full of custard and he's trying not to splash any on his tights.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via clotheslines to the back of the head

That was just bad.

Craig and Brian are back in the office for a performance review with Mr. Red and Boris Zhukov.

Mr. Red just shouts at them, demanding they have to pay if they want to ask questions, but then decides they just need to use manners instead. I'll take money over manners, thanks. Mr. Red explains that he is such a staunch supporter of Russia because everyone in his hometown are wimps. Craig asks to wear Zhukov's hat, but then immediately takes it off and complains about it. Rude. Then he and Brian make fun of Zhukov's pay at The Beach Brawl. 

There was an advertisement for a wrestling show that featured a tag-team and their manager that I didn't recognise, so I thought maybe the UWF had some new exciting people coming in! Turns out it was an advertisement for a totally different wrestling promotion and TV show. 

The UWF have changed the date for their next tapings. Between that and the network advertising a different wrestling show, I'd say the future is looking good for the UWF!

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I'd review again, but fuck that.

No winners because of total bullshit IN A STREET FIGHT

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff
Quick and painless.

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup pin with bridge or whatever

After the match, Captain Lou Albano beats up Mr. Red and steals his pants because Albano is a dirty old man and also can't afford his own pants.

So, like, we've now had almost every match except the main event. How is that going to be stretched out for another 3 weeks??

The Generic Offices of Brian and Craig interview Mr. Red. Again?

Fuck you! Mr. Red is angry. So am I - I have to listen to Mr. Red some more! What the fuck? They keep saying Boris Zhukov lost at The Beach Brawl - we just saw the match 10 minutes ago and he fucking won! Mr. Red threatens to bring in more Russians until the UWF is just full of Russians. Then why don't you just go join a wrestling federation in Russia?? Red wants to take over Captain's Corner - would that make it the Mr.'s Corner? Brian says stealing his pants was Albano "just doing his job" - his job is stealing pants?? Mr. Red tells them to look in his eyes and Brian is like "not too close". Brian is actually fucking great. The fun part is Mr. Red's hillbilly accent makes his name sound like Mr. Ed, so it sounds like he's talking about the talking horse... who would actually be a great addition to the UWF roster.

Oh shit I had forgotten about when toothpaste came in a 'pump' like it was some amazing technological advancement.

Next week is more from The Beach Brawl. Just give me more office interviews and I'm a happy man.

Thoughts:

• This was bad.
• Really bad.
• WCW had P.N. News and his hilariously bad attempts at rapping, plus The Desperadoes looking for Stan Hansen. This show had Mr. Red, followed by the worst matches from The Beach Brawl, sandwiched with more Mr. Red.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 34

UWF Fury Hour Episode 34, 24th June 1991

I guess it is time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! Wooo hoooo! I'll go stab myself now.

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
My copy joins the match in progress, which is absolutely fine with me! Craig rhymes "mere" with "hair" and is mighty pleased with himself.

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

Craig thinks this is the peak of her career. I don't know if she ever wrestled at a WrestleMania, but she did defeat the music at WrestleMania V and I'd imagine that moment was pretty up there for her! 

Craig and Brian in their empty office are interviewing Rockin' Robin.

These pictures really just reinforce that the whole thing looks like a job interview. Brian wants to know what's next: "Touring across the country with the UWF?" Oh yeah, those extensive UWF tours of... The Penta Hotel and... Florida. Robin isn't a "desk person". The irony of someone saying that when being interviewed in the most generic office ever... Craig asks her to sing and I get ready to fucking throw my TV at Craig.

Now they're talking with Candi Devine, who is wearing the same gear she wrestled in. She has no other clothes? Her and Robin have fought many times "in the mid-West and also the West".

This Jeep commercial makes me want to rock out!

Recap of the previous battles between Wet N' Wild and Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos
This match has a 45 minute time-limit draw? That's like my living limit for this match. Everything is so dark it's hard to see what's happening - if I were in the crowd, I'd be having a hard time seeing Tolos getting thrown into a cage. And not just because I'd be trying to set myself on fire. This reminds me of when Dusty Rhodes had a "gorilla" in a cage to sort out the Four Horsemen. That was fucking hilarious. This is not. Wild Thing's dropkick to knock Orton out of ring was.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton cheating fail

Jack and Orton have a rumble afterwards. Tolos blows his whistle. Foley really did bleed a lot for the several people in attendance.

Oh fuck it's an empty office interview with Wet N' Wild.

Dudes clearly look under the influence. John Tolos was suspended 20 feet in the air. No wait it was 30 feet. Now it's 35 feet. Wild Thing was inspired by a girl in his apartment or something? Herb's wife? He is giving the most rambling nonsense answers. John Tolos is gone?? Sunny Beach likes cornflakes. Bah fucking gawd this is all kinds of hilariously awful. They like sharing... and say WW (Wet N' Wild) apparently stands for "Party Time". I don't see a single W in there, you fucking dropkicks.

Next candidate Brian and Craig have to interview is 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

He calls Jack a goof and a scatterbrain. He needs to be in a ring with someone just as good as him. Apparently Tolos didn't drop brass knuckles - it was just his wallet and Orton was going to look after it until after the match. Cactus Jack is everywhere - except he's not here. Orton will stick to singles wrestling now.

Lou still wants you to call him to talk about celebrities. What celebrities does he know in 1991?

That's... it?

Thoughts:

• I remind you again - this show is NOT live. Whoever looked at that interview with Wet N' Wild and thought "Hell yeah, that's great television!" needs a serious high-five.
• It's close this week, but I'll give the win to WCW; the Desperadoes hunting Stan Hansen was hilarious. Either way, a fun week for someone that enjoys awful pro-wrestling segments.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 33

UWF Fury Hour Episode 33, 17th June 1991

Yay Beach Brawl replays! While I've already seen these matches, it might be interesting to see if they've been edited any better for TV.

We get the same opening video package from The Beach Brawl - this is the way pro-wrestling used to be. Great teachers of the sport... like Captain Lou Albano.

I really don't recall when the explosion sounds were added to the opening, but bah gawd they are the best.

Craig and Bruno welcome us to "the best matches from The Beach Brawl". Craig says 'let's take a look a the show' but instead we get an ad for The Naked Gun 2 1/2 - that would be a great show. Well done, Herb!

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper & The Fire Cat
Craig tries to call Luna ugly but Bruno isn't having any of it. Craziest thing I learned from the Dark Side episode was Luna married BOTH Black Harts. There's definitely some crowd noise added for extra excitement. Shame they can't CGI some crowd. 

Winners = The Black Harts via things

I don't want to say it was edited that much better, but the added crowd noise helped it seem less boring.

Voice over guy calls The Black Harts "creeps". Okay, Edgelord.

Brian and Craig are interviewing The Black Harts and Luna Vachon... in some weird, empty office.

So it's a job interview? The Black Harts want to work backstage for the UWF? Brian tries to explain that Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat are a great tag-team - Craig is trying hard not to laugh. Luna threatens Wet N' Wild for the tag-team championship like it actually exists. Casual conversation BAHAHAHA. Craig says Luna's snake looks unhealthy and she is highly offended. The Black Harts just sit there making bird calls or something. This is getting fucking mad. Now Craig asks if she's "been thinking about the tag-titles". MOTHERFUCKER she's only mentioned them like 5 times already. He says Wet N' Wild have seen The Black Harts' faces and that they're ugly - this dude is such a shit stirrer!
Craig: "Do you ever worry about that snake choking you?"
Luna: "Do you ever worry about me spitting on you?"
Brian: "Yeah, I do kinda worry about that."

HOLY FUCKBALLS THAT WAS HILARIOUS

I wish I could share audio on here, because this Jeep ad has the best music.

Remember, fans - you can still buy the replay of The Beach Brawl! Which is why they are showing you every match on free television...

Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
The Power Twins come to the ring carrying fly-swatters - did I notice that previously? And why is Craig making fun of them for balding? They still have a fair bit of hair and there are wrestlers on this show with much less. Hell, Bruno's hair is thinning pretty badly. Craig is a dick. It's the same boring match, except somehow Blair taking on both twins is somehow even more hilarious this time around.

Winners = Mask Confusion/The Killer Bees via deception. Decepticons? Insecticons??

Honestly, how is that BS legal?

Oh, you can even buy The Beach Brawl on VHS? And it costs more than the PPV did? Sounds like a deal!

The UWF are coming back to Florida because they haven't quite killed the territory yet.

Craig and Brian are back in their office, this time for a performance review with The Power Twins.

The Twins point out Mask Confusion/The Killer Bees/Name Confusion are cheaters. Brian calls this sour grapes, but the Twins defiantly reply they had eggs for breakfast. Apparently there will be a tag-team tournament in a few months - good luck! This company will by lucky to stage a potluck dinner by then. The Power Twins say it was a camera trick - they didn't really lose. Craig says they're now out of contention for the tag-team titles - wait, so they were top contenders, lost one match, and now they're not even considered contenders? WTF? Craig for some reason starts giving them shit about not liking snakes. Neither do you, dipshit! I didn't see you running to hug Luna's snake 10 minutes ago. Craig insults them some more, so The Power Twins insult him back and Brian is all like "another personal attack". BAHAHAHA THE FUCKING GALL

You can still buy The Beach Brawl programme because no one else did.

Captain Lou Albano wants you to call him because he's done nothing else this show and is now lonely.

You can pay to get pre-recorded silly outgoing messages for your answering machine?

Oh, we're done?

Thoughts:

• This was the about the funniest damned episode you could imagine.
• The format actually worked really well; maybe if the matches were a bit quicker it would have been perfect, but I really liked having the dedicated backstage interviews instead of Captain Lou Albano just yelling over the top of what they're trying to say.
• This past week's WCW was just Clash of the Champions XV, and while there were a couple of good matches, there were a bunch of screwy finishes and NOTHING made me laugh the way this show did. UWF WINS