WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVII, Night One

10 April 2021
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA

Attendance: 17,946

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
Oh yeah we are back at it! It's Good Friday, which makes it Bad Friday again! I am trying to keep this as an Easter tradition, because Good Friday means all the shops are closed and it's cold - so what else am I going to do? Enjoy my day? Forget that silliness! Especially because this shit is just getting longer and longer each year. But last year, WrestleMania got delayed by a couple of weeks and ended up taking place the week after Easter, which completely fudged my plan - once again, Vince McMahon trying his best to make things difficult for me. But, joke's on him! This year, I'll watch last year's WrestleMania today and then this year's WrestleMania on Easter Sunday. Two days - two WrestleManias! So joke's on... me?!?

I'm not too sure what we have in store tonight; I watched the Royal Rumble last year, and from that I recall both Edge and Bianca Belair will be receiving title shots. Against who, I'm not that sure. I also assume Roman Reigns will be in the main event like always. And a bunch of old dudes that will actually get the crowd to cheer in ways the current "superstars" can't. 

NIGHT ONE

They've saved all the pirate decorations from last year - glad those record profits aren't actually going back into the product. Vince McMahon decides to open the show with some rousing speech about welcoming back the fans or some shit. Fuck him and fuck them and fuck you, WWE.

America the Beautiful

Bebe who? And some other girl on guitar that didn't warrant an introduction? The guitar playing isn't bad. The singing is. This song is still the worst. And what in the fuck happened at the end?

3/10

Opening Video Package

I don't recall Mankind jumping off a cage at WrestleMania? Oh my gawd - they're even repeating the whole Captain Jack Sparrow nonsense from last year's opening video package. Though I do enjoy every year we hear the "Once in a lifetime!" tagline from The Rock/Cena which was actually twice in a lifetime. This shit gets dumber every year and I'm dumb for watching.

2/10

There is some sort of weather delay? What, lightning might strike and blow up the arena? Well then, LET'S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!

Backstage Interview
Sarah Not Kayla is with Shane McMahon and he is looking worse than ever - and he hasn't even started wrestling! He thinks Braun Strowman is stupid and it's fun to make fun of him. Sarah tells him to pick on someone his own size - so someone smaller?

MVP and Bobby Lashley interrupt to say "this is The All Mighty Era!" or something? Drew McIntyre takes issue with this. He then takes over the interview time to tell us he's all about keeping his emotions together. Ummm coming out before your match to act like a crazy man towards the guy you'll be having a match against is a clear sign you do not have your emotions under control.
2/10

Now we have to talk to the Pre-Show Panel? I already had to sit through an hour of these morons and there is only so much of this Peter Shillburger I can take.

Backstage Interview
Some British Nerd is with New Day's Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. Kofi is looking old and his chest is collapsing. He isn't sure AJ Styles and Omos are a registered tag-team. What?? Woods talks about New Day being small, but I'm pretty sure AJ Styles may actually be smaller than them. Big E comes in and gives a rousing sermon.
4/10

Michael Cole calls this "WrestleRainia" and it sounds like Samoa Joe used all the restraint in the world to not punch him in the mouth.

Backstage Interview
Sarah talks to Braun Strowman, who claims he is standing up for all the people in the world who have been bullied. This dude is like 6'9" and 300 pounds. He isn't getting bullied by anyone. His vision of winning the match sounds an awful lot like murder - Shane should probably call the cops.
3/10

Back to the Pre-Show Panel. Peter Peter Shill-O-Meter tells us how amazing Vince McMahon is and I'm going to puke. On him.

Backstage Interview
British Nerd wants to interview Kevin Owens Mac, but Kevin Owens Mac is like 'Dude, you're too lame - give me the microphone'. He gives some sort of history of his friendship with Sami Zayn and oh my fucking gawd we are doing yet another 'Kevin Owens was best friends with Wrestler X and now they are enemies and must fight at WrestleMania' story. He also threatens Logan Paul. Just because? Or is Logan Paul going to be at WrestleMania to complete the suckitude?
5/10

Michael Cole and Samoa Joe are being rained on. Joe should drown Cole.

Backstage Interview
Bianca Belair tells Sarah she is nervous because she cares. Sarah tells her she is "making HERstory".
4/10

Backstage Interview
British Nerdburger interviews Seth Rollins who apparently gets his name wrong, but I'm hardly going to fault him for that given what I'm calling him. But at least I now know his name isn't Mike. Rollins laughs a lot and can't pronounce Cesaro properly. This guy actually used to be enjoyable, you know.
2/10

Sarah is joined by The Miz and John Morrison. Tonight they'll be facing Damian Priest and Bad Bunny. Maybe this rain delay could last forever? The Miz: "The fun & games are over!". He's never been more right; I'm watching The Miz at WrestleRainia and there is no fun to be had at all.
-2/10

Video Package
Drew McIntyre was WWE Champion, but somehow Bobby Lashley became champion by helping The Miz become champion? McIntyre thinks Lashley is afraid to fight him. He could have just not agreed to this match if he didn't want to do it... It is now "The All Mighty Era."
6/10

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are our hosts, so I'm guessing we are finally ready to get started. And Titus is here to help rehabilitate our racist American hero. O'Neil welcomes the crowd, while Hogan just stands there looking old, throwing out the occasional "brother".

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Bobby Lashley (c) (w/MVP)
All this CGI stuff around the ring is sooooo bad!

Lashley gets lightning for his introduction? Did the production team mistake him for The Undertaker? They're having a kinda fun big-man match - except for when McIntyre decides to do some silly fake Jiu-Jitsu. So Lashley just pounds on him and it is fun! Big dudes should just fight like this!
Lots of back and forth with big moves. Drew kinda fucks up a superplex so they just beat on each other on top of the turnbuckle. McIntyre puts Lashley in a Kimura and Cole makes some reference to McIntyre and Brock Lesnar and I have no idea what he's on about, because I saw that match and it was legit only two different big moves. And neither of them were a Kimura. McIntyre taunts Lashley with a "Bring it, Bitch!" and then Lashley beats the snot out of him HAHAHA. McIntyre spams the shittiest looking DDT I've ever seen, then dives over the top rope. They run a slow-mo replay and it shows his wang clipping the top rope as he went over hee hee.

It's 2021 and giving the Full Nelson a new name doesn't make it any less lame than it was 50 years ago.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via Hurt Lock/Full Nelson
6/10

Drew McIntyre squashed Brock Lesnar last WrestleMania when no one was around to care. The minute they get fans back in the building, and he just gets smoked. WrestleMania moments!

The Super Old NWO are backstage with Titus O'Neil and Bayley. And nothing happens.

Undertaker NFT's are a great way of separating the normal people from the criminally stupid.

Tag-Team Turmoil Match
Match #1
Lana & Naomi vs Billie Kay & Carmella
Lana & Naomi do some raving or some shit before the match.

It's stupid and so are they. Oh great, the idea of this match wasn't bad enough, so they have to add Corey Graves on commentary. He's actually married to Carmella, so he likely insists on calling her matches. I insist on calling her garbage and annoying. Why the fuck is this match actually on WrestleMania? I know they fired a lot of wrestlers due to "budget cuts" but surely they have better wrestlers who could have wrestled instead? Lana is about as talented as my man Death Row 3260.

Winners = Billie Kay & Carmella via some cheating pin nonsense.

At least that was quick?

Match #2
The Riott Squad vs Billie Kay & Carmella
I want to like The Riott Squad, but bah gawd do I hate Billie Kay & Carmella. They both just fill the arena with high-pitched yelling.

Winners = The Riott Squad via doubleteam.

OK now I do like The Riott Squad!

Match #3
The Riott Squad vs Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke

BAHAHAHAHA that may be my favourite "WrestleMania Moment" tonight!

Winners = The Riott Squad via rollup pin.

The ring announcer declares The Riott Squad have been eliminated, then after a minute of confusion, announces they actually won, because no one in this company can actually be good at their jobs.

Match #4
The Riott Squad vs Natalya & Tamina

Wow, Natalya is still here? And still so average?? She hits the slowest Hart Attack ever, I can only assume Bret would give it a 2 out of 10.

Winners = Natalya & Tamina via shitty superfly splash from Tamina
1/10

So tomorrow, Natalya & Tamina will receive a title-shot at the women's tag-team champions, Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax. Gawdam, I thought this match was bad enough!

WWE Shop. WrestleMania specials. Fuck you.

WWE Superstars want you to get vaccinated. Except for QAnon followers like Nia Jax that think the vaccine is a form of mind control designed by Bill Gates. Fun fact: they also think The Rock eats human babies. As his cousin, I wonder how she reconciles that type of nonsense in her lizard-brain.

There is a story about the 24/7 title and some guy called Average Joe. It's an advertisement for Old Spice? I genuinely have no idea.

Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
Rollins plays some type of political hit-piece about Cesaro being no good? So he's Veep, now?
Rollins hits a superplex and rolls through to another suplex. Cesaro spams uppercuts in creative ways. The story of this match is Cesaro want to give Rollins the Giant Swing, even though he already hit Rollins with it a couple of days ago and got like 23 revolutions. It was probably only 16, because no one ever counts it properly. Cesaro gets the Giant Swing for only 6 or 7 swings, and then follows up with a Sharpshooter. I'm a fair man, so I'll be honest and say it was not so well done. Rollins hits a corkscrew splash. He's no Hector Garza, but I'll give him points for trying something different. Reversals, reversals, reversals. How is it strikes to the back of the head are illegal in all forms of combat sport, but totally fine in pro-wrestling - where you aren't even allowed to use a closed fist? Cesaro gets funky!

He hits the Giant Swing again and everyone counts way too fast; they say it's 24 revolutions, but I'm pretty sure it was only 14.

Winner = Cesaro via pin following Neutraliser.
8/10

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was on Smackdown, instead of the WrestleMania Pre-Show like previous years. That match sure lost esteem VERY quickly.

Backstage Interview
Kayla is with Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode. Ziggler references the gold of the tag-team title belts that he is holding, except the belts are actually silver you fucking moron.
2/10

Raw Tag-Team Championship
New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos

Big E introduces New Day. They're 11-time tag-team champions now? Holy shit, they're just throwing around belts like pancakes these days. Omos isn't even dressed to wrestle. New Day demand Styles start the match because they are cowards. Kofi Kingston hits a move on Styles, which means New Day have a party and mock Styles. Then they double-team him FOREVER and talk endless shit. Umm they're the good guys here?? Omos is bored. Styles goes for the tag and Woods begs him not to do it. Seriously. Woods kicks Omos, who just totally no sells it and tells him he hits like a bitch. But then he just does jack shit himself. Dude is 7'3" - he should just be throwing these fools around the ring for 5 minutes. Styles leaps off Omos to hit a forearm.

Winners = AJ Styles & Omos via Omos pinning Kofi Kingston with one foot.
3/10

New Champions!

That was possibly the worst planning I have ever seen in a match. I get you don't want Omos in there because he's not very good. At all. But having the good guys double-team and mock the smaller bad guy for eternity is just dumb. And then Omos barely did shit when he got in, so even that part wasn't exciting.

Baron Corbin is dressed for the Tour de France, so he needs a Snickers.

WWE2K22. When I type that, it just looks like some kid's username on some shitty forum where I am making fun of him for liking dumb things.

Tonight's "Official WrestleMania Theme Song" is provided by The Weeknd. I don't know what it is called. It is more boring than my bLog.

Video Package
Braun Strowman is sad because Shane McMahon thinks he is stupid. Shane even dumped green slime on him. How cruel! They were booked for a match, but Shane got injured in training. Because he's fucking old? If Shane is scared to fight this guy, why did he accept a match at WrestleMania and then say it could be any match Strowman wanted?
4/10

Steel Cage Match
Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
Jerry 'The King' Lawler joins the commentary team, because this is match will likely be awful and they want to distract the viewer by having someone say awful things for total non-entertainment enjoyment. Elias and some other dude attack Strowman before he enters the cage. I'm happy for Elias to finally have a friend! Commentators say "Shane has great hands" and think they must mean he does hand modelling or something, because his punches are awful. He pulls a piece off the top of the cage - budget cuts are hitting the cages now? Byron Saxton seems to be over this show already and starts promoting Night Two as being "more exciting". Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making the worst old-man jokes it is like I'm listening to Captain Lou Albano. There is a toolbox conveniently placed at the top of the cage, so of course Shane hits Strowman with it. Which of course means he could win, but instead chooses to do something stupid and end up back in the ring. Strowman breaks the cage some more. So why have a cage if you're just going to break it? He gives Shane an armdrag or something off the top of the cage and is all "Who's stupid now?!?" and I'm thinking "You are, because you could just walk down and win but instead chose to get back in the ring".

Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following a powerslam.
2/10

Bayley is here to annoy the commentators. She's now appeared more than the "official" hosts.

Hall of Fame 2020
They couldn't have a ceremony for the Class of 2020, so they will get their moment tonight. This featured a bunch of people that have nothing to do with WWE, like Japanese star Jushin "Thunder" Liger - who has never wrestled for WWE - and William Shatner?? They show a clip of him with Bret Hart, so now his induction makes sense. Oh, the NWO were the 'headline' act. There were like 500 members of that group, so they only inducted Hulk Hogan and H-Bomb Cockface's friends.

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is excited about WrestleMania next year (this year?) because it's in Texas. Ever notice how WrestleMania is often in the most backwards parts of America?

Booker T joins commentary. Why? Oh that's right - it must be time for Bad Bunny to have his match and Bad Bunny wrote that song about Booker T that was super fucking awful.

A large group of people in rabbit costumes run down to the ring. It's Easter! Time for an Easter Egg Hunt! Or time for The Miz and John Morrison to come out and lip sync to some shitty song they wrote about Bad Bunny. The Commentators pretend it is good. The people in rabbit costumes have filled the ring and are jumping around.

Fuck-a.

My-a.

Life-a.

Video Package
We are shown all the success Bad Bunny has had in his career. I legit hadn't heard of him until he appeared in WWE, but apparently he is super popular. His music seems fucking terrible, that's for sure. He's also got "2023" written on a t-shirt he wears under a bulletproof vest like he thinks he fucking Death Row 3260. These four men have issues because... hahah oh come on now - we all know I have ZERO fucks to give about that.
3/10

The Miz & John Morrison had to stand in the ring and wait while that video package aired. They really need someone with a functional brain to put these shows together.

Damian Priest & Bad Bunny vs The Miz & John Morrison
Bad Bunny enters riding on top of a truck like he's Batman. Or Becky Lynch? The crowd sure seem to love him. The crowd also seems to love WWE and WrestleMania, so fuck them. Bad Bunny is so small he makes The Miz look, well, not so small. Bad Bunny beats up The Miz a lot. Then, The Miz turns it around and I immediately lose interest.
Booker T: "You guys don't know Bad Bunny the way that I know him". Let's keep it that way.
Holy shit Bad Bunny just hit a destroyer?!!?

Don't get me wrong - Morrison is very athletic and did all the real work here, but damned if it didn't look good

Winners = Damian Priest & Bad Bunny via pinfall following a splash from Bad Bunny.
3/10

Bad Bunny wasn't that bad at all! The Miz, however, continues to be a vacuum of enjoyment.

You can fight hard to achieve your dreams and win a WWE Championship belt... or just buy one from WWE Shop.

Promo for WrestleMania Night Two. Why are people paying Logan Paul to do anything except fuck off and die?

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Royal Rumble. She calls herself "The EST". Sasha Banks calls herself "The Best". I call her overrated and fucking annoying. Wait, now Banks is some sort of pioneer? She broke down barriers for blue-haired children?
3/10

Main Event
Smackdown Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks (c)
Belair is legit crying before the match even starts. I might, too; I'm out of Pepsi. Bianca Belair is strong.

This match is at its best when Belair is doing fun power moves. It's at its worst when Banks is in control. Belair does some crazy long suplex and as soon as they hit the mat, the referee starts counting them down. Haha Banks uses Belair's long braid to tie up her arm. Belair gets a two count and has the most hilarious meltdown.

Graves: "Bianca nailed the 450 splash!". No she didn't - your feet aren't supposed to hit the floor first. Belair slaps Banks with her braid and WWE edit in some type of gunshot sound BAHAHAHA.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver that they seem to be calling the Kiss of Death or KOD. Look, I'm just following what Michael Cole said, though after listening to Craig in the UWF, I should know better than to trust these goofs.
6/10

New Champion!

Fireworks and good night!

WrestleMania XXXVII - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
   They are good wrestlers and their powers combined to make a good match.
2. Worst Match
   Lana & Naomi vs Carmella & Billie Kay
   I would say the whole women's tag-team turmoil match, but I will specifically call this match out as the absolute shit burger with cheese. If this had been a UWF show, even Bruno would have been burying these four women.
   Shout-out to the person that laid out the New Day/AJ Styles & Omos match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mandy Rose falling on the entrance? Bret Hart with William Shatner?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   People in bunny costumes partying in the ring to The Miz & John Morrison's "hit song".
5. Star of the Show
   Bad Bunny. I may not know who he is, but he is certainly very popular. AND he didn't look too bad in the match.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Bad Bunny.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   The Pete dude on the pre-show panel. Not a celebrity by any stretch, but bah gawd he needs a kick in the balls.
8. Tonight's Meal
   I've hit this early, because motherfucking WWE decided to move to two nights. So I had two flavours today; first a breakfast wrap, featuring scrambled eggs, avocado, baby spinach and honey mustard. Then my second wrap featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, spring onion and corn fritters, topped with honey mustard again. Simple and effective. PepsiMax kept me alive. I need more if I want to survive another 4 hours of this...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is handy, because I'm wearing a nice hoodie that has no wrestling connection whatsoever.
10. Overall Score
    This was an okay show. The opening match was fun, the Cesaro/Rollins match was great, and the main event wasn't bad. The rest was burning garbage with zero heat, or just total vibe killing slow nonsense. As always, the "hosts" did zero hosting. Why do they bother with that every year?? But at least once things got going after the weather delay, they didn't waste a lot of time, so the show didn't drag like some years.
    5 out of 10

WWE Royal Rumble 2021

*I am finally posting this from earlier in the year. I was too lazy to do pics and gifs, but now I have no excuse*

Welcome back again to Logman complains about pro-wrestling!

I have been a bit busy with actual work working my way through 80's NWA - have watched about three years in the last 9 months and it's been a great ride so far - so the UWF reviewing has taken a bit of a back seat. Plus my house just burned down, so you know... whatever...

Anyways, with WrestleMania sign-pointing season upon us once again, I decided that I've not seen a Royal Rumble in a very long time. So why not waste 4 hours of my life watching some shitty WWE event and then wasting another 4 hours making fun of it online? Hopefully I'll at least get a good gif from the experience. For those that don't know, the Royal Rumble is an annual WWE event where 30 men enter the ring one-at-a-time 90 seconds apart and have to throw each other over the top rope, until there is only one man remaining. The winner then gets to fight one of the many champions at WrestleMania. It used to be that they automatically faced the champion in the main event at WrestleMania, but that tradition died a loooong time ago. Along with the tradition of actually being fun.

As I said, I've not seen a Royal Rumble in years - I think the last one I watched was when Roman Reigns was Vince's chosen one and was promptly booed out of the building. Apparently now he is the top heel so fans cheer him. Seriously. WWE fans are the worst.

Other things that are apparently real in 2021: Drew McIntyre is the WWE Champion and he will be defending against Goldberg. Roman Reigns will be defending a belt against someone? There's even a women's royal rumble match now?!?

Sweet zombie Jeebus is it too late to watch UWF instead?!?

Also... my wife (Hikola) is joining me for this, so will be chiming in with her expertise and vast wrestling knowledge that consists of having watched a total of zero pro-wrestling in her life.

Opening Video Package
The Royal Rumble is now... Batman?

And they're back to blurring out the old WWF logos? Bret Hart must have pissed someone off, because they show him being thrown out of the Royal Rumble multiple times AND being speared by Goldberg back in WCW. I'm just going to keep pretending those things didn't happen.
4/10

Today's event is being broadcast from "The Thunderdome": a stadium filled with people on LED screens, complete with pre-recorded cheering. It's... strange.

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre (c) vs Goldberg
Huh we're doing this now? Goldberg is out with his somewhat socially distancing security dudes like it's still 1998. 

Hikola is wondering why my Grandad is fighting. Joke's on her - my Grandad is dead! Only thing he's fighting is my Nana in hell! She's also unimpressed with his hygiene:
"Why did he wait to leave his room to spit? Did he not have a bathroom in there where he could do that in private?"

Samoa Joe is now a commentator? He reminds Hikola of a vegetable, but she's not sure which one.

Huh? NOW we're getting the video package for this match? So Goldberg has to stand in the ring listening to his theme music for 5 minutes? Drew McIntyre wants the Goldberg of old - he'll have to settle for just old.
3/10

Goldberg hits a bunch of spears and the jackhammer, but McIntyre kicks out and the commentators go nuts like the same thing didn't happen with each guy at WrestleMania.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pin following a kick to the face
3/10

They hug, as Drew has now earned the respect of the "legends"... by beating up an old man?

Time for our first WWE Shop promo. The designs get uglier every time I see these. Right now, you can buy 1 and get 1 for $1! I'll buy none and you can just give me that dollar.

There is also a WWE card battle game, so you can be a total dork at 2 things that suck.

Corey Graves is on commentary now. Fuck that guy.

Kayla is talking to Sasha Banks backstage. She says something about drinking tear-flavoured champagne. Hikola thinks she acts like Squidward from SpongeBob Squarepants.

Smackdown Women's Championship
Sasha Banks (c) vs Carmella
I'm guessing she's still Sasha Banks - I am pretty sure no women in WWE actually have surnames anymore. Her and Carmella argue over who is "the boss". Wasn't there a tv show about that? It was way more fun than this! I can barely hear the commentary right now and I'm considering buying my neighbours an ice-cream for removing Corey Graves from my life again. Carmella has some dude with him, but he's getting completely beaten up by Sasha Banks. And she looks like a 12-year old girl, so I'm not entirely sure how helpful he is to have around. Now he's getting thrown out because Sasha keeps kicking his ass? Not a rule I've come across before. Hikola thinks I should steal his outfit. Well, he doesn't have the strength to take on a little blue-haired girl, so I may be able to take him. Sasha misses the worst splash ever. Then Carmella gets her in some submission hold and she's waving off the ref.
Hikola: "Bye-bye, Squidward!"
But then she reverses it to something else? Fuck if care.
Winner = Sasha Banks via submission
2/10

Time for Sasha to get her 'point at the WrestleMania sign' moment.

Backstage
New Day don't like The Retribution or something - but it's never explained who or what they are. Sami Zayn tries to join in their chat, but they all make fun of him like they're the cool kids at school and he's just the dude that brings the hackeysack. They all think they're winning the Royal Rumble. They're all fucking stupid.
1/10

Bad Bunny is apparently "the biggest Latin artist in the world". He's no Enrique Iglesias, I can tell you that. Not even a shitty version. Booker T is standing next to him for no reason? Bad Bunny just runs around him and holy fuck I've got more cancer.
-2/10

Hikola thinks Corey Graves is good looking. We must now get divorced.

Time for that "Royal Rumble by the numbers" bullshit - I totally forgot how much WWE like to make up shit to make things seem more important. STOP SHOWING STEVE AUSTIN THROW OUT BRET HART! HE CHEATED!!!

Women's Royal Rumble Match
#1 Bayley
Bayley says she is going to win and challenge... Michael Cole? So she wants to be champion of shitty commentary?
#2 Naomi
Bayley's trash-talking seems to have gotten even better. But her wrestling seems to have gotten worse? Hikola tells me her favourite part of the show so far was Carmella screaming like a horse on helium.
#3 Bianca Belair
I can't take anyone with that hair seriously - unless they are Jet Li in a classic kung-fu adventure. Which she is not.

#4 Billie Kay
Oh fuck off. She sits at the announce table and says she is going to wait before going in - this shit never works. AND it means I have to listen to her annoying voice. But honestly, why don't WWE make some rule about people getting in right away? Why don't all the wrestlers just sit outside the ring until all 30 are around?
#5 Shotzi Blackheart
She at least has a fun little tank.

They should let her take that in the ring and shoot the others.
#6 Shayna Baszler
So the running joke now is Billie Kay is approaching each new entrant in the hopes they'll team up with her, but of course they all just beat her up. I'm predicting someone will eventually say yes and they'll either turn on her or she'll turn on them, wrestlers don't have any friends and are fucking stupid.
#7 Toni Storm
Shotzin Blackheart is eliminated
#8 Jillian Hall
She's keen on the idea of "Billie and Jillie" and proves me wrong by teaming up successfully.
#9 Ruby Riott
#10 Victoria
Let the nostalgia begin! Our second retired wrestler of the match. And she is happily yelling at the non-existent crowd.
Hikola: "She looks like a Heavy Metal Mum."

#11 Peyton Royce
Lots of stupid Aussie yelling, but Bayley stops her and proves she is the best.
#12 Santana Garrett
I feel like I should know who she is... but I don't know if I'm supposed to care.
#13 Liv Morgan
How is Jillian still in this? Oh...
Jillian Hall eliminated by Billie Kay
Told you so, bitch!
Billie Kay eliminated by Ruby Riott
#14 Rhea Ripley
Toni Storm eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Victoria eliminated by Shayna Baszler
Santana Garrett eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Wow they've actually started eliminating people. Finally!
#15 Charlotte Flair
Oh goodie...
Ruby Riott eliminated by Bayley via murder - and then trash-talk as well to make it even better.
#16 Dana Brooke
Hikola: "Mum-made outfit"
Liv Morgan eliminated
#17 Torrie Wilson
Aaah good old nostalgia
Dana Brooke eliminated
#18 Ric Flair? He's an old woman now?

Oh wait, he is just here to introduce... his girlfriend?
#18 Lacey Evans

Charlotte doesn't approve of her Dad's girlfriend. Bloody teenagers. Commentators keep talking about all this personal family nonsense and I cringe. I should also mention that Jerry Lawler is out for commentary on this match and in 2021 is still making a stack of sexist comments, like how all these women fighting in little clothing is what heaven will be for him. Fuck that old pedophile.
Peyton Royce eliminated by Charlotte Flair because they are both wearing purple and that shit ain't going to pass
Torrie Wilson eliminated
Bayley eliminated. Wait, what?!? That's fucking stupid
#19 Mickie James
#20 Nikki Cross
This chick is a fucking idiot. Hikola explains she may possibly be from a small village in Australia where acting like a moron is their norm, so I should be more respectful of her culture.
#21 Alicia Fox
R-Truth's music hits - because no one can possibly come out without their music being played first - and wants to talk to her? Oh, he had the wrong rumble. Comedy! Now he's being chased by people after his 24/7 Championship, so he uses Alicia Fox as a human shield. She pins him instead.
Alicia Fox = new 24/7 Champion
#22 Mandy Rose
Alicia Fox eliminated
R-Truth uses that as an opportunity to regain his belt. More comedy!
R-Truth = new 24/7 Champion
#23 Dakota Kai
Mickie James eliminated
#24 Carmella
Not a bad plan; if you can't beat the champ, go out and get another chance to lose. Now her dude is holding a mirror, so he at least is finally showing some usefulness.
Dakota Kai eliminated
Rhea Ripley is straight-up murdering these little bitches.
Mandy Rose eliminated
Nikki Cross tries to eliminate Carmella, but her dude catches her and helps her back in the ring. Man, where was this chivalry in the last match? If he'd actually helped, she might not have had to enter this royal rumble match!
#25 Tamina 
For some reason, she punches the dude holding Carmella again - and now he drops her. Useless.
Carmella eliminated
Hey, Tamina. Remember when your Father murdered a woman and the boss of this shitty company helped cover it up?
Naomi eliminated - no, wait - her feet haven't touched the floor yet!
Hikola is more impressed that her sneakers are still lit up. Except for one shoe that is now stuck on 'blue'.
#26 Lana
#27 Alexa Bliss, playing the role of a pedophile's dream
About 8 women attack her, so I would imagine this little pipsqueak should be dead now. Instead, she starts some wacky magical "transformation". Thankfully, Rhea Ripley gives zero fucks.
Alexa Bliss eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Bahahahah that was fucking GOLD!
#28 Ember Moon
#29 Nia Jax
Oh great - it's the other fat piece of shit that has a job because of family.
Hikola: "Whooooaa HUGE! SOMEONE COULD DIE!"
Naomi eliminated
Hikola: "Baby, if I get as fat as her, will you still love me?"
Me: "According to pro-wrestling logic, you'd be invincible so it wouldn't matter"
Tamina eliminated
Holy jeebus, Nia Jax throws the worst fake looking punches since Shane McMahon.
Shayna Baszler eliminated by Nia Jax
Shayna is pissed, but Nia claims she didn't do it. We saw you. Hard to not see you, since you're the size of a fucking rhinoceros.
Pretty sure it's actually been about 6 minutes since someone entered the ring.
Nia Jax eliminated
#30 Natalya
Hikola thought she was coming out naked.

Probably a good way to make the others avoid touching you?
Nia and Shayna beat everyone up because this isn't quite dragging on enough.
Natalya and Lana recover and hug. Which of course means Natalya has to beat up Lana.
Hikola: "Of course! We are girls - we fight!"
Lana eliminated
Natalya eliminated
Lacey Evans must be hiding somewhere so she can fight Charlotte at the end.
Bianca and Rhea attack Charlotte, so clearly she is going to make her superwoman comeback and destroy them both.
Charlotte Flair eliminated
Holy shit am I getting everything wrong tonight?? Credit to WWE for not being 100% predictable for a change?
Rhea Ripley eliminated
Winner = Bianca Belair
4/10

Wait - so Lacey Evans was eliminated? I don't remember that happening at all. Or caring. Anyways, the match was pretty crap but that end sequence when it was just Bianca Belair and Rhea Ripley was actually really fun.

Bianca Belair is interviewed in the ring, and the first thing said is "You are going to WrestleMania!" Like... everyone in WWE goes to WrestleMania. Even old dudes that haven't wrestled in about 10 years. Hikola is in disbelief; after almost an hour in the Royal Rumble, Bianca Belair's lipstick is still flawless.

There is a WWE documentary on Yokozuna where they acknowledge he wasn't actually Japanese, while at the same time acting like he was the greatest Samoan wrestler of all-time or something. Motherfucker only became champion through lying about his lineage and cheating, so I don't think anyone should be looking up to him.

Backstage
The Miz and John Morrison say "Hi" to Bad Bunny. Three of the worst people in the fucking building... together... and not a bomb in sight. Miz wants to collab with Bad Bunny to make the world an even shittier place. Then he completely buries Booker T - which Booker T hears but does absolutely nothing about, like a total chump.
-5/10

Oooh the Royal Rumble panel are here to waste more time! They're hyped for Bianca "being able to point to the WrestleMania sign" - bitch, it's a sign hanging above the fucking ring that anyone can point to whenever they want. If there was a crowd, they could all do that. Apparently there was some shitty womens tag-team title match on the preshow and I think it would have made more sense to show this before we saw all these women in the royal rumble, so we would understand their issues. But I don't know, I guess I just like things making sense and WWE prefer the "WTF is going on?!?" approach. And now R-Truth is here to drag this to the fucking swamp, and is pinned by a dude on the panel?
New 24/7 Champion = Peter Something Nobodygivesafuck

JBL: "This could be the worst event in wrestling history"
Bro, it's still a bit better than anything that involved you.

Corey Graves tries to insult David Arquette. Fuck off, you corporate fake punk douche.

Video Package
Roman Reigns threw Kevin Owens off some stage that is supposed to make it look like he died, except it looks safer than the thing he jumped off at WrestleMania BY CHOICE so I'm just like 'fuck you, fatty'. Reigns was supposed to be fighting some old dude, but they realised that might be one old dude too many tonight and instead it will be Kevin Owens again?
5/10

Universal Championship
Last Man Standing
Roman Reigns (c) vs Kevin Owens
So when did these belts move brands? Last time I saw, the Universal belt was red because it was defended on Raw, and the WWE Championship was blue.
Hikola (about Kevin Owens): "His name looks like it should be Mac. I'm going to just call him Mac"
Roman Reigns thinks he's Walmart Thanos.

Hikola wants to figure out how much it would hurt being hit with those special WWE ring steps, so demonstrates on me using an empty Pepsi bottle. The "crowd" in the Thunderdome are only showing an interest when they realise they can see themselves on TV. It's so weird - I don't want to watch people watching a show on their laptops. The fake crowd noise is even stranger.
Anyways, this is typical 'last man standing' nonsense, with chairs and stairs and brawling around the arena. One of the commentators calls Kevin Owens Mac "a thinking man's wrestler"; except "a thinking man" wouldn't be fucking watching this. Plus Kevin Owens Mac is getting hit with a chair - "a thinking man" thinks that is fucking stupid. They end up backstage and there is another ring? Is it a backup in case this one blows up? Roman Reigns runs over Kevin Owens Mac with a golf kart.

Hikola: "Mac! Please don't die! Just kidding - you can die, please"
But apparently it didn't nothing, because Kevin Owens Mac recovers quicker from that than he did being thrown off a table. Then he lands a splash on Reigns, who sells that more than Kevin Owens Mac did being run over by a golf kart. Kevin Owens Mac then jumps off a raised forklift - remind me again why I should have any concern when he got thrown off a stage?

Reigns recovers and spears Kevin Owens Mac through some big LED screens. That's ok - WWE just made record profits during a pandemic after firing a bunch of people, so they can probably afford you to break more. Hikola now wants to do a real-life test comparing that to being run over. I'm thinking showing her this pretend violence was not a good idea...

Kevin Owens Mac handcuffs Reigns to the bottom of a lighting tower, and because he's sitting down the referee starts counting. Reigns kills that ref... so he can cheat? Then another ref comes out and starts counting BUT has to stop because Paul Heyman can't undo the handcuffs and get Reigns out of there. BAHAHAHAHA. So. Much. Fail.

FIVE... SI-Oh I think he just stood up, right?

LEGIT ONE WHOLE MINUTE LATER...

As soon as he does, however, he just chokes Kevin Owens Mac.
Winner = Roman Reigns via choke
2/10

Hikola: "There is a referee that's dead over there. He's been down for a count of 100 now - so does that mean the other referee wins?"

Feel like a champion and more! By buying a WWE title belt. What is the "more"? A total loser that will be made fun of by everyone you know?

Holy shit we're not wasting any time now!

Royal Rumble
#1 Edge
Hikola: "He looks like House - is this his second job?"
#2 Randy Orton
They just brawl outside the ring like it's a repeat of their super long boring WrestleMania match that I still want to slap them for.
#3 Sami Zayn
#4 Mustafa Ali
Everyone is beating up Edge for some reason. Wait - I though Randy Orton was a good guy and had burns on his face? Why is he healed and teaming up with bad guys?
Hikola thinks Ali's hair is too long for his height.
#5 Jeff Hardy
Michael Cole makes a reference to Jeff Hardy and Edge inspiring other wrestlers with their exciting tag-team matches. He skips over the fact that was 20 years ago and they are still the most popular wrestlers in the company. Orton is now beating up the heels. Which then results in more Edge vs Orton brawling outside the ring.
#6 Dolph Ziggler
This dude has a belt? But no one cares, because Edge is attacking Orton with a chair while the others all rest in the ring.
Jeff Hardy eliminated
#7 Shinsuke Nakamura
Orton is being helped backstage because he is now "injured"
#8 Carlito
Hikola: "Was this guy in Miami Vice?"
#9 Xavier Woods
#10 Big E
He and Xavier completely bury Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn eliminated
#11 John Morrison
Xavier Woods eliminated
Big E is not happy.
Mustafa Ali eliminated
#12 Ricochet
I think we've now cut to Randy Orton backstage about 7 times. Clearly he's more important than the Royal Rumble
#13 Elias
Carlito is still there? I thought for sure he was going out first after like 30 seconds.
Carlito eliminated
Wait - Elias actually got the better of someone? I really don't follow this company at all!
#14 Damian Priest
Elias eliminated
That's more like it...
#15 The Miz
Bad Bunny's DJ left his gear setup near the entrance, so The Miz breaks it. That's what you get for not packing down like a responsible gigging musician. Amateur. The commentators are furious. Yeah, I bet Bad Bunny will be super pissed having to replace his *checks inventory* iPod to play his shitty backing tracks. This of course brings out Bad Bunny - who Corey Graves calls "the biggest star on the planet". Explains why I've never heard of him and likely never will again.
The Miz and John Morrison eliminated
Bad Bunny hits them with a splash because celebrities have to do shitty wrestling.

#16 Matt Riddle
Oh cool, so now we've got a dude that hangs out with sex offenders and actual sex offenders in the ring. Great.
#17 Daniel Bryan
#18 Kane
He's back to being the dude in a mask shit - even though he refuses to wear one in real life.
Dolph Ziggler eliminated
Daniel Bryan wants to hug Kane. Of course, that results in him being choke-slammed.
Kane eliminated.
#19 King Corbin
Did I know he's a king? Did I care?
#20 Otis
And he's... doing the Bushwackers walk?

I like suplexes, so I like this Otis guy. Especially when he goes "Oh yeah!". The caterpillar move is dumb, though. Just stick to the suplexes. Or being stupid.
Otis eliminated
#21 Dominik Mysterio
Rey Mysterio's son is here? Where is Rogan Rodriguez when you need him...
King Corbin eliminated
#22 Bobby Lashley
#23 Hurricane
Didn't they cut this guy during the pandemic to help boost their record profits? Is self-respect something you must have zero of to be in pro-wrestling?
Hurricane eliminated
#24 Christian
Huh? How are all these old dudes that had to retire from injuries now suddenly getting medically cleared to wrestle again??
Bobby Lashley eliminated
Edge and Christian beat up Matt Riddle to make me happy.
#25 AJ Styles
Holy shit, I just remembered I used to watch him and Christian have awesome matches back in TNA. 13 years ago. Now he has some giant dude hanging out with him? That guy should just get in the ring and help.
#26 Rey Mysterio
Apparently Rey is plugging some beer tonight. Seriously. His entire entrance is dedicated to it.
Big E eliminated
#27 Sheamus
Rey Mysterio eliminated

AJ's giant friend is hilarious - do that more!
#28 Cesaro
A giant swing looks cool, but won't help you eliminate anyone.
#29 Seth Rollins
#30 Braun Strowman
He tries to throw out AJ Styles, but his giant friend don't play that game.

Cesaro eliminated
Sheamus eliminated
Then Strowman tricks AJ's giant friend by throwing AJ out where he didn't think he'd be.

AJ Styles eliminated
Michael Cole: "You're not going to win a striking battle with Matt Riddle"

Daniel Bryan eliminated
Matt Riddle eliminated
What a fucking idiot. And rapist.
Seth Rollins yells instructions at Braun Strowman, so Strowman beats him up.
Hikola is falling asleep due to the lack of good-looking men left on the show.
Christian eliminated
Braun Strowman eliminated
Seth Rollins eliminated
Edge wins?

SWERVE Randy Orton is back - he was never really eliminated. BAHAHAHA but Edge dumps him out immediately anyway.
Randy Orton eliminated
Winner = Edge via 29 other dudes being thrown out of a ring
3/10

So Edge wins from #1.

Meh.

Hikola: "There was nothing on the show that really bored me, and I definitely preferred the Women's Royal Rumble match to the men's."
Hikola's Score = 8/10

Logman: "I figured Edge was winning from #1 as soon as he came out. This show wasn't boring, but how in the fuck Hikola could give it an 8/10 tells me she is crazy - which is why she's married to me, I guess. I don't know what to say, except I had no idea how long it would take me to bLog about this nonsense and probably won't do a Royal Rumble again. Fuck that"
Logman's score = 4/10