UWF Fury Hour: Episode 45

UWF Fury Hour Episode 45, 12th July 1992

I'm pretty sure they are just using the same opening introduction from Craig and John Tolos each week. It's always something about guys being bigger and bigger. At least Herb gives us a rundown of the wrestlers for each show and they are all so very exciting!

Apparently, "this match would be a main event anywhere in the world!". Is that world in the Shitburger Universe?

The Nightstalker vs Death Row 3260
There is some music edited in and it is so funky I think it should be Death Row's theme song. Or the UWF theme song. Or my theme song? Tolos says The Nightstalker has "style that can't be bought at a drugstore". Unlike his steroids? "Style" is exactly what I think of when I see big dude walking around in black underpants and carrying a big toy axe. They wrestle for a bit and then decide to just stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for 2 minutes. Death Row rolls around the ring after being stomped and it's fucking hilarious. Then Tolos starts going nuts over it, which makes it more hilarious. Then Death Row misses the worst splash ever and it's even more fucking hilarious.

The Nightstalker grabs his toy axe, but Craig thinks it is a fucking hatchet. Motherfucker can't even call inanimate objects correctly.

Winner = Death Row 3260 via disqualification.

The Nightstalker attempts to use his plastic axe to chop up Death Row, but he is prevented by 'Dynamite' David Perry. So Death Row now has an ally? Will this make him less angry? All he ever needed was someone to understand him... and to make 'the man' pay for putting him in jail.

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs Vladimir (not Nikita) Koloff
The sound-mix somehow has the commentators buried beneath everything. But it seems Craig is upset because Colonel Red wouldn't let him weigh and measure Koloff or something. This is actually hilarious; they are giving Vladimir a whole new backstory, like he isn't the same dude that was on the show a year ago. Wait - they just said he's Nikita's brother? Apparently Colonel Red beat up Herb so badly it resulted in Herb being taken to the hospital. I don't remember this - perhaps it will air later this episode? Or a later episode? Or not at all, knowing this editing team. Maybe this Vladimir dude is not actually Nikita - because he is way worse than Nikita ever was.

Draw via double-countout.

A bunch of dudes come out to put an end to their brawling.

Sunny Beach vs Barry Horowitz
Holy fuck, what a combo of skill and charisma! Hey Beach - where's the surfboard gone? You're nothing without it. Sunny Beach says he's been in Japan, but he didn't like their beaches. Well, I don't like your beach! Tolos calls a roll-up a "super great finishing move". It doesn't get Horowitz the win, so it can't be that "super".

Winner = Sunny Beach via roll-up and holding the tights.

Tolos was right! I shouldn't question the man.
Tolos is very angry with Sunny Beach for cheating, but then is like "Hey, you gotta win here in the UWF so good for him!" OK?

Herb and Captain Lou Albano want you to call the Powerline because they are proud men.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/Sunny Beach) vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)
Why didn't Wild Thing come out to help Sunny Beach in his last match? Clearly there's a power dynamic in this partnership. Tolos bets Craig a 7Up that Hessler will get the win. What a wager! Sunny Beach talks to the referee while Hessler and Casey just destroy Wild Thing with a table and golf club. How on Earth did the referee not notice any of this happening? Eventually he does... and... does nothing. I'll be honest - I'm barely paying attention to this, because it's all just interference bullshit and it's fucking Wild Thing vs Helmet Hessler.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via disqualification.

Tolos says "this is just the beginning". Please just fast-forward to the end!

Thoughts:

• Death Row 3260 continues to be the funniest motherfucker going today! Or at least 1992.
• WTF is up with this whole Vladimir/Nikita thing? Are they the same guy? Are they different guys?
• John Tolos gets crazier every week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 42

UWF Fury Hour Episode 42, 9th September 1991

This week Craig and Bruno are joined on commentary by Captain Lou Albano. Yay. He brags about beating up Mr. Red, but doesn't mention anything about leaving Herb to get his ass kicked. Craig still can't figure out Super Ninja's name.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Mohammed The Butcher (w/Abu Dee?)

Wow, what an exciting match to get started with! 

Commentators don't even pretend to care about the match and just make jokes about how fat Mohammed is. Bruno stops making jokes and just says straight up "This guy is very fat". Wild Thing sprays him with a fire extinguisher? In the stomach??

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via clothesline

Wild Thing tries to press-slam Abu Dee, but fails so throws him on Mohammed.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams will be defending his belt against 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray at a future show. WTF did that dude do to earn a title shot?

B. Brian Blair vs Sonny West
Damn - Blair is still around? Did Craig just call him Muraco??

Bruno finally explains why his version of the hotline is called "Hot Bruno".

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the longest sleeper hold in history.

Bah gawd that was hilariously bad. Because he's such a 'nice guy', Blair 'wakes up' Sonny West afterwards.

Ask The Wrestlers
Where is the fucking graphic? You mean, I'm going to have to start typing out the question myself??
"B. Brian Blair, will you ever wrestle 'Dr. Death' and what do you think of his wrestling tactics?"

Blair says he is a fan of Dr. Death and would love to wrestle him. I mean, he's got the coveted UWF Sportsbyline Nationwide TV VHS Championship - so who wouldn't want to wrestle for that??

We get a full recap of the Captain Lou Albano/Mr. Red/Herb Abrams drama. Wow. Desperate for content muchly?

To The Point

Herb and Captain Lou Albano are joined by Mr. Fucking Red and Super Ninja. They all just scream over each other - except for Super Ninja, who just stands there doing nothing. Why is Mr. Red so obsessed with getting Albano's segment? Mr. Red says he went over Herb's head. How? He owns the fucking promotion. Is this going to be the way they explain the company going off television? Albano keeps making comments about Mr. Red being fat. Herb says something about killing Mr. Red.

Mr. Voice Over explains this segment was recorded before Mr. Red was suspended for 30 days. Then why didn't you air it BEFORE he was suspended for 30 days? Because that part wasn't live, either.

I like bad promos, but that shit was absofuckinglutely painful.

Oh, wow - Official UWF Ratings!
Half of these guys haven't actually wrestled since Beach Brawl.

Next week - tag-team ratings! Excitement!

Frank E is with Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Oh, it's just a repeat of her promo from a couple of weeks ago. Put Luna on To The Point.

Next week we will have another appearance of Mr. Red. Glad to see that suspension is really being enforced. Also, Herb will have news on possibly signing The Ultimate Warrior. Shouldn't he wait until he actually has the guy signed - not just it being possible?? Does he want another Andre The Giant embarrassment??

Thoughts:

• This was a show?
• To The Point may actually be the worst thing this show has ever attempted.
• In WCW, Nikita Koloff and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey have already worn out their welcome again and are gone. Cactus Jack has just arrived and is feuding with the promotion's top star. Larry Zybysko is a tag-team champion.
• I don't know if I've said this enough while watching UWF, but fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 21

UWF Fury Hour Episode 21, 18th March 1991

Craig and Bruno ensure us tonight will be exciting - I'll be the judge of that!

Chris Michaels vs Captain Badd
Michaels is called a "newcomer". Maybe this non-jobber version. Apparently, he was formerly in the military or something - hence he's now wearing camp pants and waving the American flag in the midst of a big 'Support the Troops' exploitation push.

Winner = Chris Michaels via top-rope dropkick and weird count from the referee

Herb asks the kid what kind of success he hopes to have in the UWF, so he just cuts some stupid patriotic USA promo that has absolutely nothing to do with what Herb asked.

Ask The Wrestlers

He started out in Kansas and was trained by some guy that is now blackballed - well, that's actually quite interesting. And of course he's not married! But then again, he strikes me as the type of dude to lie about that...

The Power Twins (w/Rick Golden) vs Brian Donahue & Carmine Albano
Some young people scale the fence - well, walk over the hotel rope - to yell at The Power Twins.

Winners = The Power Twins via Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guests are The Power Twins and they want you to know they are the only identical twins in pro-wrestling today. I know this because it is all they keep saying. Albano can't get their names right because he is stupid.

Herb is still shilling the 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirt. He was defeated by Lex Luger at the most recent WCW PPV, while Nikita Koloff watched from the front row.

Don Muraco vs Dusty Wolfe
Not sure how little I care about this. Apparently it's very little.

Winner = Don Muraco via inverted piledriver

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams comes out and stomps Muraco for no reason, so Orndorff comes out brandishing a plank of wood like he's my Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan.

Herb catches up with 'Dr. Death', who wants to talk about men eating raw meat or something...

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack
The most interesting part of this match is Sunny Beach and Cactus Jack fighting over a surfboard, while Jack does the most blatant and silly blade job.

Don't get blood on the nice concrete carpet!

Draw via double disqualification or something

Just as they are announcing the result, the video is cut off... and then I get highlights of the lumberjack match again!

Thoughts:

• More people in wrestling should fight over surfboards. And Skateboards.
• In fact, Herb should bring in a skateboarder to feud with Sunny Beach - Skateboard vs Surfboard!

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 18

UWF Fury Hour Episode 18, 25th February 1991

Craig and Bruno run down... the main event. And wonder how Sunny Beach will fare against 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. Apparently Cactus Jack and Don Muraco had a match on sometime earlier? I totally have no recollection of that at all. Frank E the ring announcer is now giving us the most fucking boring run down of the wrestlers.

'Wild Thing' yells to "Call The Powerline!"

Steve 'Wild Thing' Ray vs Carmine Albano
'Wild Thing' comes out with a big American flag and now he has drawings of women on his wrestling tights. Albano is Captain Lou's nephew. Yay nepotism! Bruno is bored!

Winner = Steve 'Wild Thing' Ray via top rope move

Holy shit that dude looks super uncomfortable on the top rope.

Herb interviews 'Wild Thing' and thinks the booing means people love him. 'Wild Thing' also thinks the fans are great because they paid actual money to be here. I think that means they are stupid.

Don Muraco supports the troops fighting in Iraq.

I feel like the quality of this broadcast is on the downward trend, somehow...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Beast
Craig thinks The Beast looks like The Viking. You watch your mouth, you heathen!

"People are still talking about that match with 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams". If they are, it's because that ending was bullshit.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Herb asks Orndorff "is it difficult wrestling these kinds of wrestlers?". What do you mean "these kinds"? Terrible?? Orndorff is looking forward to the lumberjack match.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams says he wants to fight Orndorff anywhere.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is discussing "other wrestling organisations" capitalising on the whole 'support the troops' thing. Just like the UWF? Oh, they're referencing the WWF have Sgt. Slaughter becoming an Iraqi sympathiser. Muraco and Albano love America and wars.

Sunny Beach vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton
After some boredom, 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray comes out to attack Orton.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification

Cactus Jack comes out to help Orton, but the good guys still prevail. That's... actually amazing.

Herb talks to John Tolos about his "stable". It now includes Cactus Jack? Is this the largest his "stable" has been yet? Herb tries to book a tag-team match between all these guys and it just leads to more brawling.

The UWF will be running a tournament from next month. I am sure the best wrestlers of the world will be taking part!

The UWF are still selling t-shirts for 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey and Nikita Koloff, despite them both being in WCW yesterday.

Don Muraco vs Cactus Jack
Muraco puts a rubbish bin over Cactus Jack's head. I would not want to wrestle someone after that - you could catch all sorts of germs!

Draw via time limit expired

'Dr. Death' wants you to call him!

Aaaaand that is it.

Thoughts:

• At yesterday's WCW WrestleWar, Nikita Koloff returned to WCW and said he's been retired for the last 2 years. I think that sums up the UWF right now.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 9

UWF Fury Hour Episode 8, 26th November 1990

Today! 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong will be teaming up with Cactus Jack. I don't know who the hell he is or why I should care, but whatever.

Herb Abrams is "still trying to get over what happened last week". There was some sort of incident involving Jack Armstrong on an earlier episode? I swear - he hasn't been here before! We'll also get the finish from last week's main event. But that's all just to get you warmed up for the return of THE VIKING!!!

Nikita Koloff vs Ken Patera
Herb isn't sure Russians can count past six. Nikita goes over the top rope and the bell rings?

Winner = Nikita Koloff via disqualification

Even Herb and Bruno are like WTF?!? Apparently the referee's excuse is "Ken Patera should not have done that". Well, that was absolutely worth the wait, wasn't it!

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Robbie Allen
Herb wonders what The Golden Greek has planned for his "stable". You mean him and Orton? Dan Spivey in WCW? Maybe that's the plan - get them all real jobs in pro-wrestling with a real wrestling promotion?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via botched superplex

He's lucky that didn't end worse.

'Dr. Death' talks about fighting Paul Orndorff in New York. Cool... but when??

Larry Zybysko vs The Bulldozer
Zybysko is wearing a championship belt.

Wait - he's the UWF champion?? Oh no, he is still the AWA champion. Wait - the AWA still exists?? David Sammartino comes to the ring to intimidate Zybysko.

Winner = Larry Zybysko via slam

Sammartino leaves because a slam is oh so scary, I guess?

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs The Grappler
'Cowboy' Bob Orton and John Tolos come out, but Honey keeps them at bay with her 'stinger'. Yet she can't stop them from jumping up on the ring apron all the time.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via bad sharpshooter

After the match, Honey attacks Tolos with her 'stinger' so Orton beats up Blair and then Honey, too.

Captain Lou's Corner
Orton didn't realise it was a woman he was beating, but he feels like it was only to help equality. Tolos calls Honey a tarantula and doesn't think Albano has ever been on a date with a woman.

We get a recap from 2 weeks ago when the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud began.

B. Brian Blair is not happy about Orton's attack on Honey. Seems this is the new big feud.

THE VIKING vs Steven DeLeon
Someone in the crowd yells "He's better than Arn Anderson!". Amen! The crowd chants "VIKING SUCKS". I think they meant "VIKING SUCH AWESOME"

Winner = The Viking - who did you think??

Herb thinks The Viking looks a little less vicious this week. Steven DeLeon is still alive, so Herb is probably correct. The Viking makes up for it by pushing a little girl on his way to the back. Go Viking, go!

Andre the Giant once again assures us he is the only giant in the UWF. I haven't seen anyone else in the UWF make any sort of claims about being a giant, so I think that's all yours, buddy.

Larry Zybysko is "waiting for a man to come to Larryland".

Oh now they are replaying the end of the 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack match that I didn't get to see. 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong interfered - so I guess that's what they were talking about.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow & David Sammartino vs Cactus Jack & 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong
Bruno wants everyone to calm down so they can avoid getting disqualified - like me, he must be getting sick of every main event ending with a DQ or a count-out. The crowd seems to like Cactus Jack a lot. Strongbow does his terrible "war dance" and "war cries". Larry Zybysko comes out to watch David Sammartino and they end up arguing outside the ring - probably about who watches matches ringside better. This leaves Strongbow in the ring alone, prime for some cheating.

Winners = Jack & Jack via hitting 'Chief' Jay Strongbow with an international object 

Wait - an actual finish in the main event?? I mean, there was cheating involved, but we got an actual pinfall!

David Sammartino wants a match with Larry Zybysko. No duh.

Larry Zybysko calls himself the champion and takes credit for retiring Bruno. I thought he beat you and then got old and bored of being champion?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' are "dirty rats". Orton makes a comment about Honey all over Brian's face, which just sounds... yeah...

And we're out. Herb screams us home with: "THE FURY HOUR! ISN'T IT AWESOME?"

No, Herb. No it is not.

Thoughts:

• The Viking should have murdered another jobber. Maybe Davey Meltzer?