UWF Fury Hour: Episode 17

UWF Fury Hour Episode 17, 11th February 1991

Tonight! We will see a bunch of matches we were supposed to see earlier - including the ending of that anticipated Mr. Wonderful/Dr. Death match they couldn't be bothered playing in full. But this week might be better because THE VIKING is here!

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
Bruno claims David is unhappy with Larry Zybysko lying about retiring Bruno. He also questions David's strategy during the match and decides his son needs to put on a bit more weight.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock, which is why he worked on Spicolli's fucking arm for the whole match... 

Ivan Koloff vs Riki Ataki
Craig thinks Ataki may be a force to be reckoned with. He at least does get in a few moves today... but then Ivan does what Ivan does.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Million Dollar Dream?

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
We actually pick up where we left off last time and I have no idea what was happening then. Someone is bleeding and Craig and Bruno argue over who it is. It's so odd to wait so long to air the rest of the match - especially with this fucking finish.

Draw via double disqualification

All the jobbers come out to try and separate them.

Captain Lou's Corner
Captain Lou Albano knows about water! And here comes Sunny Beach. Why is a total redneck doing a surfer gimmick? Albano believes he is proof the UWF are bringing in the best of the best. I believe he is proof this is shit.

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Jobbery Jobjob
Herb informs us 'Mr. Wonderful' and 'Dr. Death' have signed the contract for a lumberjack match when the UWF returns to New York. Oh wow! Another match you'll make a total mess of. Colonel DeBeers is back and so is his eye patch? Bruno wants to see 'Iceman's reaction - Bruno wants some drama!

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via punch. Seriously.

And nothing happened with DeBeers... so that was pointless.

And then in one swift bumper, Herb Abrams shows me why he is the greatest promoter of all time:

'Mr. Wonderful' ain't no wimp!

THE VIKING vs The Intern
The Viking smashes a fan's seat with his hammer.

The Intern actually gets in a few moves - he even has The Viking wobbled! Da fuq?!? So The Viking slams him.

Winner = The Viking via powerslam

Bruno thinks that is the end of his internship. Hahahaha.

Ask The Wrestlers

Bruno puts over the wrestlers of his generation because he hasn't wrestled the UWF roster. And he's realistic.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Barry O
Not even Herb or Craig have anything interesting to say about this match. And neither do I.

Draw via time limit expired

Thoughts:

• Fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 15

UWF Fury Hour Episode 15, 21st January 1991

We open with a recap of Colonel DeBeers being a racist man, and 'Iceman' King Parsons being a nonsense man.

'Iceman' hits us with some rhyming and jiving.

Craig and Bruno are with a "sellout crowd" in New York. Bruno refuses to recognise DeBeers' military rank and just calls him "Mister". Herb runs us through our wrestlers for today.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos vs Sonny Blaze
Did Orton always come out to the theme from Bonanza?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Orton seems to have modified how he performs that move now - perhaps not keen for another superbotch. After the match, he beats on Blaze some more and throws him at Bruno ringside.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Chris Michaels
Orndorff also tries to throw Michaels at Bruno. Is there some sort of backstage game where you see who can take out Bruno with a jobber?

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash

'Mr. Wonderful' blasts arms!

Herb talks to Bruno about his book. Given his life, I would actually expect it to be a very interesting read. He says that the last few years he'd been disillusioned with where pro-wrestling was heading, but the UWF has him hopeful for the future. Yeah... this would not be it. And you'd hate the future even more, don't worry.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs I Don't Know Chris Dorm Maybe?
Bah gawd I have nothing to talk about today.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via squash

They are still selling 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts??

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams says his match with Orndorff will be a blood bath. 

Captain Lou's Corner
I'm not sure I'm in the mood for this nonsense today. Albano brags about having a black cousin or something, so 'Iceman' King Parson comes in jiving about Colonel DeBeers. He hits his usual catchphrases and Albano is now trying to pretend he's a black man or something.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is a serious athlete that needs nutrition in the form of a muscle building drinks.

Ask The Wrestlers

The man is wrestling on television every week and this is your question for him? Understandably, Orndorff seems quite hurt by the rumours. And the question.

Cactus Jack vs Mike Williams
They brawl outside of the ring and it makes it hilariously clear they are in an old hotel; the floor is carpeted in a very old-fashioned style.

Bruno asks Craig how he'd feel if his sister brought Cactus Jack home as her new boyfriend. Bruno, do you know something Craig doesn't know? Craig calls the carpet "cement". Seriously.

Winner = Cactus Jack via countout

Where is Herb this week? I thought he was supposed to be shouting maniacally at the wrestlers after they finish wrestling?

'Iceman' King Parson vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers has ditched the eye patch. Were the New York commission responsible and refused to licence him with it?

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via small package

DeBeers attacks him after the match and beats 'Iceman' with a leather belt. He tries to choke him but leaves the belt waaaay too loose. In fact, his "knot" just falls apart and 'Iceman' just slips out. BAHAHAHAHA fucking dastardly bad guy with his dastardly tying.

We get a rundown of next week's show... and that's it.

Thoughts:

• Fucking boring
• WCW showed a Paul E. Dangerously "workout video" to hype his arm-wrestling match with Missy Hyatt and it was STILL better than this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 13

UWF Fury Hour Episode 13, 7th January 1991

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray opens the show with a rant about Ivan Koloff and praising America or something.

Ivan Koloff thinks America is dumb.

Craig and Bruno say "Hi".

Herb is a mess.

Colonel DeBeers vs Riki Ataki
Bruno tries to give Ataki some respect. He's excited to be going to back to New York and brags about the amount of times he headlined Madison Square Garden (211!). Ataki hits a big move but celebrates before going for the pin, so of course he doesn't win.

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via DDT

Herb yells at the Colonel who replies in German and then (in English) insults Herb's choice in prostitutes. Herb makes fun of DeBeers for only having one eye. Fighting with one eye is kind of bold, actually. Extremely dangerous.

Iceman explains the concept of a referee but still hasn't checked the chemical density of mud as compared to blood.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still angry about that attack by Dr. Death. Fair enough; I am still angry with that person who said something rude outside a restaurant 30 years ago. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Baseball Guy
Baseball Guy attacks Orndorff before the bell before he can even get his robe off, which only make Orndorff angrier.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Herb gets in the ring and acts like a shitburger, so Orndorff grabs the mic and spits all over it.

'Dr. Death' Steve Wiliams tells Orndorff not to turn his back on him. I don't think he ever did.

Don Muraco vs Terry or Jerry Mooley?
Huh?

Winner = Don Muraco via nothing

That was like 3 moves. And they weren't impressive moves.

Call the UWF hotline and talk to somebody! But not 'The Golden Greek' because he's out in a Midnight Express limousine.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guest is Louie Spicolli and they just insult each other's looks. You're both ugly - let's move on. Spicolli tries to talk about a baby doll or something, so Albano just yells some more. Fuck off.

Herb and Bruno are at the UWF Box Office to run us down the "Rumble in The Big Apple", since it's only 2 days away now. Bruno is really drinking the kool-aid on this:
"I don't know when New York has seen a more impressive card than this one."
"Every one of these matches could be a main event in any city"
Yeah - that Ivan Koloff vs 'Wild Thing' match tonight is sure going to set the world on fire.

Larry Zybysko is willing to grant David Sammartino a meeting with God or something.

Ask The Wrestlers

Why are you asking Lou fucking Albano? WTF would he know? Albano is willing to help Bruno if he needs it. Yeah, the greatest champion in the history of pro-wrestling needs the help of an old fat former manager.

We get a recap of the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud, which leads to an interview with B. Brian Blair recorded earlier. He says... he doesn't like Bob Orton! Wow! What a shocking turn of events.

B. Brian Blair vs Louie Spicolli
Honey is finally back from the grave. Bruno plugs the New York shows again. I mean, surely it can't be more boring than this.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via awful sharpshooter

Herb admires Honey's bravery in returning to work after a month. Captain Lou Albano takes over and Herb is like 'leave me alone, please'. Herb mentions Orton didn't show for an earlier advertised match - so you're warning fans the next match might not actually happen?? Interesting promotion tactic...

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos can't believe B. Brian Blair needs a whole team of people to face them in New York. They have got a point there.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills the merch! They are still making 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts? I guess they printed a whole bunch in anticipation of it being such a popular item.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
'Wild Thing' again tries to steal a child, but doesn't get very far this time, so gives up and goes back to the pretty woman because she at least is receptive to him. 'Wild Thing' gets Koloff at a disadvantage and... just... let's him go? Interesting strategy! Ray hits a flying crossbody and gets a two count, but Koloff reverses it or something for the pin.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via pin reversal hilarity

Koloff attacks with the chain, but Ray steals it and Koloff runs away.

Captain Lou Albano goes on another rant about 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos.

Boring

Thoughts:

• WCW was marginally better than this show. Marginally.