UWF Fury Hour: Episode 45

UWF Fury Hour Episode 45, 12th July 1992

I'm pretty sure they are just using the same opening introduction from Craig and John Tolos each week. It's always something about guys being bigger and bigger. At least Herb gives us a rundown of the wrestlers for each show and they are all so very exciting!

Apparently, "this match would be a main event anywhere in the world!". Is that world in the Shitburger Universe?

The Nightstalker vs Death Row 3260
There is some music edited in and it is so funky I think it should be Death Row's theme song. Or the UWF theme song. Or my theme song? Tolos says The Nightstalker has "style that can't be bought at a drugstore". Unlike his steroids? "Style" is exactly what I think of when I see big dude walking around in black underpants and carrying a big toy axe. They wrestle for a bit and then decide to just stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for 2 minutes. Death Row rolls around the ring after being stomped and it's fucking hilarious. Then Tolos starts going nuts over it, which makes it more hilarious. Then Death Row misses the worst splash ever and it's even more fucking hilarious.

The Nightstalker grabs his toy axe, but Craig thinks it is a fucking hatchet. Motherfucker can't even call inanimate objects correctly.

Winner = Death Row 3260 via disqualification.

The Nightstalker attempts to use his plastic axe to chop up Death Row, but he is prevented by 'Dynamite' David Perry. So Death Row now has an ally? Will this make him less angry? All he ever needed was someone to understand him... and to make 'the man' pay for putting him in jail.

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs Vladimir (not Nikita) Koloff
The sound-mix somehow has the commentators buried beneath everything. But it seems Craig is upset because Colonel Red wouldn't let him weigh and measure Koloff or something. This is actually hilarious; they are giving Vladimir a whole new backstory, like he isn't the same dude that was on the show a year ago. Wait - they just said he's Nikita's brother? Apparently Colonel Red beat up Herb so badly it resulted in Herb being taken to the hospital. I don't remember this - perhaps it will air later this episode? Or a later episode? Or not at all, knowing this editing team. Maybe this Vladimir dude is not actually Nikita - because he is way worse than Nikita ever was.

Draw via double-countout.

A bunch of dudes come out to put an end to their brawling.

Sunny Beach vs Barry Horowitz
Holy fuck, what a combo of skill and charisma! Hey Beach - where's the surfboard gone? You're nothing without it. Sunny Beach says he's been in Japan, but he didn't like their beaches. Well, I don't like your beach! Tolos calls a roll-up a "super great finishing move". It doesn't get Horowitz the win, so it can't be that "super".

Winner = Sunny Beach via roll-up and holding the tights.

Tolos was right! I shouldn't question the man.
Tolos is very angry with Sunny Beach for cheating, but then is like "Hey, you gotta win here in the UWF so good for him!" OK?

Herb and Captain Lou Albano want you to call the Powerline because they are proud men.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/Sunny Beach) vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)
Why didn't Wild Thing come out to help Sunny Beach in his last match? Clearly there's a power dynamic in this partnership. Tolos bets Craig a 7Up that Hessler will get the win. What a wager! Sunny Beach talks to the referee while Hessler and Casey just destroy Wild Thing with a table and golf club. How on Earth did the referee not notice any of this happening? Eventually he does... and... does nothing. I'll be honest - I'm barely paying attention to this, because it's all just interference bullshit and it's fucking Wild Thing vs Helmet Hessler.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via disqualification.

Tolos says "this is just the beginning". Please just fast-forward to the end!

Thoughts:

• Death Row 3260 continues to be the funniest motherfucker going today! Or at least 1992.
• WTF is up with this whole Vladimir/Nikita thing? Are they the same guy? Are they different guys?
• John Tolos gets crazier every week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 44

UWF Fury Hour Episode 44, 5th July 1992

Tradition! Fundamentals! The way professional wrestling used to be! A bunch of wrestlers you won't see on this show!

Craig and Tolos assure us this will be like nothing we have ever seen before. I don't know, I've seen 43 previous episodes and they were all just different variations of awful...

Death Row 3260 vs Midnight Star

Is this a battle for the new worstest ever? Tolos wants to know what Craig's number on death row was (the place, not the wrestler). Clearly it was too high, because he's still alive. Tolos thinks Death Row (the wrestler, not the place) was fed well in prison. Death Row goes for a pin but lets Midnight Star up before getting a three-count, and Tolos is all 'I like the way he did that!' but then goes on a rant about how if you have someone down you should never let them up. So he didn't like that?

Winner = Death Row 3260 via hilariously bad shoulder tackle from the middle rope.

Captain Lou Albano tells us that "When you're talking about Herb Abrams, you're talking about class personified!". Wasn't the man arrested while naked and high on coke and chasing hookers??

We get a replay of Jimmy Valiant's promo on Colonel Red from last week.

'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant vs Viper II

ZOMG Valiant got old and skinny - looks like a frail old man! He's still running around kissing everyone, though. Even steals everyone's hats. And a child.

Winner = 'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant via sleeperhold.

He may be old, but The Boogie Man is still barrels of fun.

Remember when Aerosmith were considered "Hard Rock"?

Colonel Red's Corner
Colonel Red
is his own guest? He claims he beat Captain Lou Albano and took his "corner". Huh? Last I saw, he like bought it or something. Colonel Red says because it's now his corner, he gets to decide who he interviews... but Herb comes out and tells him he has to interview Jimmy Valiant next week.

Barry Horowitz has arrived at the UWF and he's after the TV Championship. He says he is "the hottest ride in the park and the other wrestlers should jump on"?!?!

Barry Horowitz vs Tommy Angel

Craig tells us today we can look forward to Jimmy Valiant's debut and Colonel Red's Corner. Great production! Tolos is helluva excited about this match.

Winner = Barry Horowitz via like a reverse DDT or something, but the commentators also don't know what to call it. Which doesn't surprise me, considering what Craig usually calls even the most common of moves.

'Dynamite' David Perry vs Viper II

Tolos: "I like this David Perry. Now, I don't know too much about him, but he's a big boy!"

Tolos: "Now this Viper II... I don't know much about him either!"

Good to see you are dedicated to your job there, Golden Greek.

Winner = 'Dynamite' David Perry via Superkick

The Nightstalker vs Johnny Kidd

Tolos goes absolutely crazy for The Nightstalker for like four minutes.

Winner = The Nightstalker via pretty shitty chokeslam.

Herb is still trying to sell you The Beach Brawl on VHS. And 'The Best of the UWF'. There is no way in hell that should be six whole video tapes.

UWF Special Report

The TV Championship has been declared vacant. 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray wants a shot at the title. He thinks the fans want him to get a shot at the title.

[Narrator: No, they don't.]

Wild Thing says the best wrestlers in the world are coming to the UWF.

[Narrator: No, they're not.]

Helmut Hessler (w/Kevin 'the Truth' Casey) vs Jeff Husker

Yes, Wild Thing. Here is a perfect example of "the best wrestlers in the world coming to the UWF". Two dudes I had to actually google to find UWF records so I could have their names. Craig keeps encouraging Tolos to go back to being a wrestler. He's old, you asshole. Let him retire and enjoy yelling at wrestling shows like old men should. Craig is the one who should be looking for a new job.

Cactus Jack and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts are still for sale. What, no merch for new superstars like Helmut Hessler? Or Colonel Fucking Red?

We rejoin the match... and it's now earlier in the match? Like, seriously it is basically being shown from the beginning again. It's like the editor figured I didn't care the first time, so maybe I'd pay more attention the second time.

Winner = Helmut Hessler via side-suplex

After the match, Casey attacks Husker with a golf club. Tolos is having the time of his life because it incorporates his favourite things; golf, wrestling and sneak attacks.

I wish I had kept a record of the amount of times Tolos said "super".

Colonel Red is with Ivan Koloff. Red is going to help Koloff defeat Jimmy Valiant.

Koloff: "I'm looking forward to it - UWF style!"

What does that even mean???

Next week: 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. And more Colonel Red. Wooooo.

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is hilariously excited about almost everything.
• Sadly, his excitement doesn't match the rest of this garbage truck.