WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Five: WrestleMania XXV

5 April 2009
Reliant Stadium
Houston, Texas - USA

Attendance: 72,744

Commentators: Jim Ross, Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
I did watch this show! It was the first WWE show I had watched since WrestleMania XX and I really wish I hadn't bothered, because then I probably wouldn't be doing this stupid marathon right now. And for that alone I must hate this show forever. I remember it mostly for how overrated most of it was, so let's see if I rate this mean in two-thousand-fifteen...

Oh, and they have promoted this as the "25th Anniversary of WrestleMania". It isn't - it is the 24th. Apparently NO ONE in WWE can work a fucking calculator. You probably can't even begin to understand how much this bothered me throughout the entire show.

Opening Video
A lot of wrestlers tell us their favourite WrestleMania moment. CM Punk wins by saying Bret Hart vs Owen Hart. The others have very stupid opinions on what was good.
4/10

America the Beautiful
Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is here to sing badly for us, accompanied by images of eagles, old people and jet fighters! 'Murica!!! It is all-round awful.
3/10

Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
CM Punk vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Finlay vs Shelton Benjamin vs Kofi Kingston vs Christian vs Kane
Every year someone walks under a ladder and every year the commentators make it into a big deal... and then forget all about it. Shelton Benjamin is still a crazy son-of-a-gun.

Hornswoggle does one of those 'hey look how fake pro-wrestling is!' moments by taking out 5 guys with his incredible body mass that even I could withstand.

Never try crowd-surfing if WWE wrestlers are in the audience.Jerry Lawler says his sons are like Hornswoggle. No wonder they hate him. Doesn't look like anyone died this year, despite all the serious botches.
Winner = CM Punk via more ladder things
5/10

Fax Axxess
Obviously this is happening while Linda McMahon is running for Senator or whatever she was trying to be, because they use this entire segment to tell you about all the wonderful charities WrestleMania helps. Bull shit.

Musical Performance
Kid Rock is here wearing hipster glasses and changing lyrics in his popular song 'Bawitdaba' from "love someone" to "kill someone". Probably not a wise choice when this company is trying all it can to erase Chris Benoit from ever existing. Apparently this is no longer WrestleMania and is a Kid Rock concert because this goes on forever.
1/10

'Miss WrestleMania' 25 Diva Battle Royal
I don't think I could even tell you who half of these women are. And I don't think could care about 2 halves of what happens. Except that Santino Marella is dressed as a woman.
Winner = Santino Marella dressed as his twin sister
-1/10

Video Package
Micky Rourke made a movie called The Wrestler. It was terrible, but a lot of wrestlers liked it. Chris Jericho agreed with me so is going to beat them up for liking it?
3/10

3-on-1 Handicap Elimination Match
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka & Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Chris Jericho
Mickey Rourke is ringside, looking completely unenthusiastic towards either the match or the douchebags he is sitting near.

Three old dudes that look like crap and a clown that is annoying as crap? I just can't...
Winner = Chris Jericho via not being an old zombie
2/10

Chris Jericho isn't finished beating up old people so takes out Ric Flair before calling out Micky Rourke, who is actually sitting with Frank Shamrock of all people. I wonder why Jericho isn't calling him out instead... Anyway, Rourke gets in the ring and punches Jericho in the head because getting beat up by an actor is always a great way to make a wrestler look tough.

Video Package
Matt Hardy did lots of bad things to his brother, Jeff. Say it isn't so! At least Matt can admit his career is garbage.
2/10

Extreme Rules Match
Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy
Oh look - a hardcore match with a different name!
Matt Hardy stole a pirate's jacket.

The commentators say this is the most serious family feud in the history of professional wrestling. I don't know, Kane locked his brother in a coffin and burned it to the ground, thinking he was inside. Call me when the Hardys can shoot lightning bolts at each other.
Winner = Matt Hardy via pinfall following a twist of fate onto a chair
6/10

Jim Ross is angry that Matt ruined Jeff's WrestleMania moment. I know! How dare he try to win a wrestling match at WrestleMania!

Intercontinental Championship
Rey Mysterio vs JBL
Rey is doing his best 'Heath Ledger's Joker' impersonation, which is average.

Luckily his 'give JBL an ass kicking in 20 seconds' impersonation is spot on.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following stuff that totally didn't kill Perro Aguayo Jr, stupid internet
New Champion!
4/10

JBL is sad face and quits. If only he would quit commentary as well.

Video Package
Shawn Michaels uses lots of ridiculous religion imagery to say he will beat the Undertaker, proving once and for all that christians are stupid.
7/10

Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
The Undertaker is now 16-0 at WrestleMania. Jerry Lawler claims there are a lot of signs that 16-1. Lies. I haven't seen any, though I've seen many that say 17-0. Then they all say that Shawn Michaels is a winner. I'm pretty sure he's barely won 50% of his WrestleMania matches and that percentage is going to be worse after this match. According to Michael Cole, Ric Flair taught Michaels the figure 4 leglock. So he never used it before Flair joined WWE in 2001? But then Michaels didn't return to wrestling until 2002 or something, so I guess that means if I watch a match from the 90's he would never have used it? Sure, I believe you. Fucking morons. This match really shows how bald Shawn Michaels is under that long hair. I'm guessing the DVD was eventually digitally corrected to make sure he had a full head of hair (in 2008 he had a picture on the WWE taken down and then replaced with a photoshopped version because it originally showed how bald he is under the long hair. It was hilarious. Obviously he doesn't consider vanity a sin, so he should make sure he doesn't watch that movie about the 7 deadly sins. I think it is called 'Bride Wars').
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following 2 tombstone piledrivers because that's how Shawn Michaels rolls
7/10

Video Package
Vickie Guerrero is cheating on Edge with Big Show. And John Cena is the host of the Jerry Springer show?
2/10

World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena vs Big Show vs Edge (c)
200 guys dressed as John Cena come out and do the 'you can't see me' thing. One John Cena is enough, thanks.
Winner = John Cena via pin following being John Cena
5/10

For awesome, John Cena poses with some haters.

Hall of Fame class of 2009 dudes, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin went in. He rips off his suit and has beers in the ring for about 10 minutes. At the same time, WWE are supposed to be offering help to any former stars with substance abuse problems.

Video Package
Randy Orton has hated Triple H since 2004 so he waited until now beat up all the McMahon family. That's the best he could plan over the last 5 years? Beat up Triple H's in-laws after winning the Royal Rumble?
3/10

WWE Championship
Triple H (c) vs Randy Orton
This is a one-sided ass kicking if ever I saw one. Complete with obligatory referee getting knocked out spot. This was a shitty 5-year plan, Randy Orton.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following complete castration of Randy Orton
3/10

And just to reiterate that he has taken Orton's manhood, the H bomb poses over Orton's lifeless body to send us out.

WrestleMania XXV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
   Not as amazing as people like to think, but there wasn't anything special about anything on this show.
2. Worst Match
   25 Diva Battle Royal
   Just a clusterfuck of nonsense and then a dude in a dress won. I actually pity some of these women.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Seeing Frank Shamrock ringside at a WWE show, when he obviously was only there as Mickey Rourke's bodyguard and he would most likely seriously hurt anyone that was wrestling tonight.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Having to sit through a Kid Rock concert.
5. Star of the Show
   Who knows - 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin? His beer drinking went down well with the crowd.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mickey Rourke. He should punch Chris Jericho in the face more often.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Kid Rock. He is not a kid and he does not rock.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was carrot hummus with kale, cucumber, red onion, capsicum, tomato and avocado with falafel and topped with garlic & yoghurt and sweet chilli sauces. I had 7-Up to drink tonight, as I wanted to try a day without caffeine again. The Reeses' Chips Ahoy was darn delicious.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   More stains tonight. Luckily, they were on the side that hasn't looked as bad so things are getting more symmetrical now.
10. Overall Score
    Just a boring show. I could barely muster up any interest in anything that was happening. The whole '25th Anniversary' thing annoyed the crap out of me, though. At least this time next week I will be eating something different and watching something that isn't WrestleMania. My, how I long for that time. It will be a magical time. Can it not be that time now?
    4 out of 10
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Fifteen: WrestleMania XV

28 March 1999

First Union Center
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - USA

Attendance: 20,276

Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
This was the first WrestleMania in years that I was able to watch as it happened on TV. I remember getting together with some friends, getting a truckload of takeaways and making a real night of it. Because things like WrestleMania are always more enjoyable when you are with friends. So imagine how crap this must have been if we all walked away laughing at how bad it was? It is one of the few WrestleManias I have never bothered to re-visit, purely based on how bad I remember it being; it is the pinnacle of the 'Attitude Era' and I remember it capturing how terrible 1999 was for pro-wrestling. So let's see if a lonesome LOGMAN can find any enjoyment from this show in its second deployment...

America the Beautiful
Boyz II Men are here to sing this for us and the crowd boo. Bunch of savages. Then Boyz II Men kill it so the crowd cheer. Seriously, what did they expect from Boyz II Men? They can sing awesome as hell.
9/10

Opening Video Package
Classy Freddie Blassie puts over today's wrestlers as gods. He must be really hard up for cash to say such lies.
6/10

WWF Hardcore Championship Match
'Bad Ass' Billy Gunn (c) vs Al Snow vs Hardcore Holly

Billy Gunn says he is an "ass man" but he seems to like his crotch a great deal. I guess "Bad Balls Billy Gunn" doesn't have the same ring to it?
Winner = Hardcore Holly via pinfall following sneak attack with a steel chair - which is totally legal in a hardcore match
New Champion!
3/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
D'Lo Brown (w/Ivory) & Test vs Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett (c) (w/Debra)

Debra wins the 'outfit of the night' competition.

Winners = Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett via pinfall following missile dropkick from Owen.
2/10
What a crap way for Owen to end his WrestleMania career - he didn't even pay any attention to Debra's ass! Of course, he would die tragically in the ring 2 months later.

D'Lo and Test fight because?

Isaac Hayes is here! He was coolness.

Video Package
Hype for the boxing match. Yes another boxing match. Except this time it was legit. People are picking Bart Gunn because he won the 'Brawl For All' - WWF's attempt at MMA to prove the wrestlers are really tough. So now Bart Gunn is facing Butterbean, a super-heavyweight boxing champion.
3/10

Gorilla Monsoon is here! But he doesn't look good. He would pass away 6 months later.

Brawl For All
Bart Gunn vs Butterbean
Wrestler vs boxer? It last 30 seconds - guess how it ends?

Winner = Butterbean via knockout
3/10 for the hilarity

And that's how you make wrestlers look fake and weak.

A guy in a chicken costume gets in the ring and acts silly, so another boxer dude punches him. Yes - a chicken just got beat up. Fuck this show.

Earlier
Big Show and Mankind fight backstage

Backstage
Kevin Kelly talks to Mankind about how much he wants to be the referee in the main event.
2/10

Mankind vs The Big Show
The winner will get to be the referee in tonight's main event.

Who would want to be the referee in the main event? The referees in those things always get beat up - seems like a pretty crappy prize for winning a match. Someone in the crowd has a sign that says "Hulkamania Forever" on one side and "We Want Hitman Back" on the other side. I like this person.
Winner = Mankind via disqualification
3/10

Vince comes out and is immediately talking shit to Big Show, so he gets beat up for his troubles. Wasn't as good as the beating the Hitman gave him, I'm sure.

Jerry Lawler: "This is awful!"
How right you are!

Four Corners Elimination Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Road Dogg (c) vs Goldust (w/Ryan Shamrock & The Blue Meanie) vs Val Venis vs Ken Shamrock

Ryan Shamrock is apparently Ken's little sister. And according to the commentators, she is a total slut. Which I guess is supposed to be funny? I don't know, if all these dudes backstage have no problem messing around with her then Ken can't really be as dangerous as they claim. Road Dogg will not be out-classed:

Remember last year when they did a 4-way elimination match like this and half the participants were eliminated at the same time?
Val Venis & Ken Shamrock are both eliminated via countout.
Shamrock goes nuts again, but really weakly. No wonder he got his ass kicked when he went back to the UFC.
Winner = Road Dogg via pinfall following something
2/10

Backstage
The Big Show is arrested for beating up Vince McMahon. Where is that Obi-Wan Kenobi/Annakin Skywalker gif again...
1/10

Video Package
We get a recap of the feud between Kane and Triple H. Chyna turned on Triple H and Degeneration-X to join forces with Kane, who now works for Vince McMahon. Kane accidentally hit Chyna with a fireball and then Triple H got revenge by attacking Kane with some sort of flame thrower. Confused?
1/10

The guy in the chicken costume is back and he attacks Kane. Turns out it is Pete Rose - the baseball guy that Kane beat up last year. So Kane beats him up again! Oh the comedy...
-1/10

Fuck this show

Triple H vs Kane
I've never understood why he shortened his name to Triple H instead of HHH - writing Triple takes way longer than just HH. Guess it's better than 'Big-nosed Cock Face'. HHH tears his shirt off because he thinks all the H's make him Hulk Hogan. We are told Chyna needs special surgery to repair her burnt retina. Really? Because here she is to beat up Kane with a chair and she looks fine. Well, she looks like a scary man/woman, but that's normal for Chyna.
Winner = Kane via disqualification
Then both Chyna and Triple H beat him up.
3/10

Michael Cole calls this "a reunion in the city of brotherly love". He said it, not me.

Backstage
Vince McMahon tells Kevin Kelly that since Mick Foley has been sent to the hospital, he will now be the referee in the main event himself! Oh what a swerve!
2/10

WWF Women's Championship
Sable (c) vs Tori
Who the hell is Tori and what the hell is she wearing?

Michael Cole proves he is completely out of touch with pop culture and claims she looks like Catwoman - obviously he has never seen anything to do with Batman. Maybe she is Botchwoman? Because she is all kinds of terrible. She almost makes Sable look talented. No wait, Sable is also very capable of looking terrible.
Winner = Sable via pinfall following sablebomb
-2/10

It's amazing looking back just how not hot Sable was.

Video Package
Shane McMahon beat X-Pac for the European championship. The funniest line is when Shane says "defeating you will be as easy as 1-2-3, kid." Because X-Pac used to be called the 1-2-3 Kid. He actually sucked a little less then.
4/10

WWF European Championship
X-Pac vs Shane McMahon (c) (w/Test)
Degeneration-X cut a quick promo backstage to say they are now stronger than ever, yet no one comes out to help X-Pac the entire match while Shane and Test beat the crap out of him. What shitty friends. Oh wait, here comes HHH and Chyna to help him! Nope, they are here to beat him up - swerve!
Winner = Shane McMahon via pinfall following pedigree from Triple H
5/10

So now Triple H has joined the Corporation - what a swerve! Fucking swerves all over the place.

Lots of fighting so Kane comes out to his full entrance just to get involved and chase everyone off. Fuck this show.

Video Package
The Undertaker set fire to Vince McMahon's teddy bear because he apparently wants to be the owner of the WWF. Because that's how all business negotiatians start out.
1/10

Fuck this show?

Nah - look at the amazing graphics!

Hell in a Cell
The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs The Big Boss Man
Looks like the Big Boss Man has finally been promoted from prison guard to SWAT team or something. Guess all those years of not showing up to work at the prison so he could wrestle fat dudes paid off. The Undertaker is now dressing like he is from Gwar.

And his t-shirt has a boob window. That would be awesome, except he isn't a hot chick with big boobs.

Michael Cole continues to prove he has no brain: "This isn't your regular steel cage - you could get a finger caught in there!". So that's the worst that could happen in this match? I could get my finger hurt? Didn't Steve Austin break his neck in just a regular match? Dude obviously should have made sure all his matches were a Hell in a Cell match. He might have cut his finger but he wouldn't have needed spinal fusion surgery. The crowd actually seem to care less about this match than I do.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
-1/10

And then he hangs the Big Boss Man from the cage. And yes I do mean hang. Guess having a shitty match with The Undertaker is punishable by death - then why are Jimmy Snuka and King Kong Bundy still alive?
-5/10

There was a big party for WrestleMania weekend and I wasn't invited. Didn't look like fun, anyway.

Michael Cole finally accepts he sucks at commentary so introduces Jim Ross to take his place. Jerry Lawler: "You can't have a WrestleMania without good old JR!" Uh, yeah we had like 8 of them before he even started working here.

Shawn Michaels is apparently the WWF commissioner and decides Vince McMahon can not be the referee - swerve! Even the swerve just got swerved!

The tagline for this show should have been WrestleMania XV: You Got Swerved!

Of course, all of this takes Shawn Michaels 25 minutes to say in his rambling ways.
-1/10

Main Event
WWF Championship
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs The Rock (c)
Oh look - the champ comes out first because fuck this show.

Three referees get beaten up - thus proving my point that no one with half a brain should want that job. So Mick Foley comes down and counts the pin. Remember when they said he was at the hospital? I guess the American health system is really awesome.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following stone cold stunner
New Champion!
6/10

Vince is all sad face because he hates Steve Austin.

Steve Austin drinks beer and celebrates while his theme play to send... no, wait - we are not done! After celebrating for 10 minutes, Austin drags Vince into the ring and hits him with the stunner. Then it's time for more beer and music to send us out!

WrestleMania XV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs The Rock
   But that isn't saying much. The closest challenger was X-Pac - one of my least favourite wrestlers ever - against a guy that is not actually a wrestler.
2. Worst Match
   Sable vs Tori
   That was botchamania served cold.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Debra's ass.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Hanging a dude from the steel cage. Just... I just... fuck.
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Everyone outside of him and The Rock looked like dorks. The Rock is way more awesome, by the way.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Boyz II Men can sing awesome as hell.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Boxing dudes that I have no interest in. I'm on the fence when it comes to Butterbean; he made the WWF look stupid but he was just doing what he does and that is knock people out.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I had the usual salad veges: baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, capsicum and tomato, with left over onion bahjis and pakoras, because I figured this show was going to suck anyway so why waste a good meal on it? The Oatmeal Creme pie went down fine, as did the 7-Up Light.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   There seems to be a direct correlation between the crappiness of the WrestleMania and the amount of food I spill on my person, because tonight I didn't spill a thing on this t-shirt. Which is kinda good, because it is looking very gross.
10. Overall Score
    Where the last shows were boring but broken up by one or two good matches, this show was boring but broken up by one or two terrible matches. I kinda wish I had some friends so we could have at least found some humour in this stupidity. But then they would have stopped being my friends anyway for making them watch this show.
    1 out of 10