WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two

2 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,553

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
As mentioned yesterday (3 hours ago), when they ran down the card for this show, I was actually filled with hope. And jealousy. Because I think I may actually give a hoot about some of these matches. And all the worst people were part of night one. Except The Miz is still hosting. But, again, I will take that over him actually wrestling.

America The Beautiful
Jimmie Allen is somebody that I've never known. And he really dressed up for the occasion.

He just grooves on his own for a little bit and, hey, at least he sang the ending well?
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is back... in a bath robe.

Tonight is "more star power". No shit - Austin Theory and Brock Lesnar are not the same. Also, this is not a sequel; the first time they did "WrestleMania Hollywood" was WrestleMania XXI, so at this point it is more of a trilogy.

It's The fucking Miz and Snoop Dogg the WWE Marijuana Champion? The Miz does his arm thing again and just looks genuinely awkward. And shit.

Opening Match
Brock Lesnar vs Omos (w/MVP)

Omos just throws Lesnar around and it is fantastic! He eventually makes a mistake, so Lesnar takes him to suplex city.

Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following an F5
6/10

Maaaan that was too quick!

WWE Shop offer free shipping again - they said it was yesterday only, so their shop lies as well? It's like they're not even trying anymore, but hey, neither am I!

Big E is still stuck at the vending machine.

Who plays these shitty WWE video games? I'll stick to WCW Backstage Assault, thank you very muchly.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs Shotzi & Natalya vs Chelsea Green & Sonya Deville vs 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler

Liv has yet another new tag-team partner at WrestleMania. Wow, Rousey has really fallen off, huh? I don't think this Raquel is related to Rogan. Everyone is scared of her and she just laughably shrugs off a dropkick. Natalya goes for the double Sharpshooter. Where have Rousey and Baszler been? Because they sure haven't been in this match - they haven't even been on the apron awaiting a tag or anything. And why is Baszler missing a boot??

Winners = 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler via submission (Rousey with an armbar on Shotzi)
5/10

Rousey and Baszler celebrate for longer than they were in the match.

Video Package
More bullshit about Dominik Mysterios bad new friends. They used to hang out with Edge? Oh, wait - I think this is that faction they kinda started at WrestleMania XXXIX - so when I predicted they wouldn't be together by the next WrestleMania, I was kinda right - because they gave Edge the boot. Fair enough, he is old and boring.
5/10

Highlight of the Night again? The last one had zero to do with this actual night... and neither does this one! Bobby Lashley threw some fat dude out of the ring and won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. And now he's on the stage to show off his trophy. Usually that would be the prelude to someone coming out and trashing it... but nope, this is just Lashley waving and holding his trophy like a dork. Corey Graves pretends this is some sort of amazing achievement that will only further Lashley's career. I think I will never hear this mentioned again... possibly because I don't watch WWE outside of WrestleMania...

Xavier Woods and his band of dorks run another video game simulation for the next match. If this were WCW Backstage Assault, I would just play as La Parka and beat their asses with a chair. Or a flaming 2x4.

Video Package
Some German dude has been whooping people and is now the Intercontinental Champion. Sheamus wants to challenge him. Drew McIntyre... has a sword. So it's a battle of the European dudes. Except it seems a bit more about Sheamus and McIntyre than the champion.
5/10

Titus is back on commentary for another round of impersonating Dusty Rhodes and I'm here for it.

Oh shit, more commercials? This particular match gets its own sponsor??

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Triple Threat
Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther (c)
I think this is first I'm seeing of the new Intercontinental belt. Or I just haven't been paying attention - which is VERY possible. Gunther delivers some massive chops and they just look hilarious on Sheamus. Then Gunther and McIntyre have a full-on chop battle. Chops and slaps for everyone! Sheamus pounds on McIntyre so much he looks gassed! Sheamus has it won, but McIntyre interferes. Gunther powerbombs Sheamus on to McIntyre and then powerbombs McIntyre for fun!

Winner = Gunther via pinfall following powerbombs for both Sheamus and Drew McIntyre. Equal opportunity powerbombs!
8/10

Bah gawd that was physical - almost to the point of being uncomfortable, but not quite, so it was just awesome. The commentators give it a standing ovation.

The Miz pays children to like him. Creepy.

WWE exploiting kids and stuff again.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the title at the previous WrestleMania. And the two before that, but they don't seem to want to mention those. Asuka has new facepaint. And they show fans booing her, so we all know she is the villain here.
4/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair (c) vs Asuka
Asuka never wins at WrestleMania, so I think Belair is in for a longer title reign. The really should hire a Japanese artist to perform Asuka's entrance theme. Or just get the rights to Rule by Ayumi Hamasaki. Belair keeps the night's theme of 'children are cheap labour' by having a bunch of kids dancing during her entrance. And holy shit the commentators have listened to me and are shutting the fuck up during these entrances! Asuka hits a whole lots of spinning shit. Belair is strong! Asuka misses the mist and gets an armbar, but yeah Belair is strong.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following her KOD or whatever it is called
7/10

Asuka's WrestleMania losing streak continues! She must surely be close to Big Show's record by now.

Alpha Academy are much less interesting than a chocolate bar.

Recap of the main event last night, because The Usos actually losing a match at WrestleMania is wildly unbelievable.

Things have been going well, so now it's time for The Miz and Snoop Dogg. They are trying to claim both nights attendance as one total, but I would guess 90% of the people here tonight were here yesterday. I mean, some of these dudes in the front row haven't even changed their clothes. The Miz bitches at Snoop Dogg about having to wrestle Pat McAfee... and it sounds like Snoop Dogg is going to make him wrestle again?

Shane McMahon vs The Miz
BAHAHAHAHA Shane immediately blows his knee attempting a leap frog.

No contest?

Snoop Dogg is pissed and takes it out on The Miz. Oh, now it's really on...

Snoop Dogg vs The Miz
A "People's Elbow" so hilarious, I can hear those wacky Germans laughing at 4am from the other side of the world. And a year in the past...

Winner = Snoop Dogg via pinfall following Snoopy's elbow?
10/10 no notes

Video Package
Edge worked his way to the top by being a total dick? Then he retired due to injury. He was a dick, so that's what you get. Finn Balor rose up in his place, or something. Edge came back after 9 years and claimed he was a better man, but he formed this Judgment Day group and they are bad guys. So bad, they turned on Edge. Rhea Ripley beat up Edge's wife. So why is Edge so mad at Balor? Why isn't he fighting Ripley?? The narrative here was all over the place.
2/10

Hell in a Cell
Edge vs Finn Balor
Trying to make an entrance all spooky with candles and shit does not work when doing it during the day time. Oh, wait - it's a tie-in for a fucking movie. WCW did this shit as well. Edge is disco gimp??

He's wearing a jacket with the old 'The Brood' logo and Cole says they debuted in 1997. Considering Edge debuted months before the rest of The Brood and he himself didn't debut until WrestleMania XIV in 1998, you can fuck off with your misinformation. Immediately with the weapons and Balor just no sells chair shots. Edge apparently regrets forming Judgment Day and now wants to make up for it by destroying his creation - just like Ted Dibiase and the NWO. More weapons. These painted kendo sticks look like folded drinks umbrellas. The crowd call for tables, because they are clearly invested in this story. Balor is leaking blood, so the match stops? And we switch to a wide shot so the viewers can't see him being tended to by a doctor. That's actually lamer than in WCW. Edge kills time during this break by looking for more weapons and then doing nothing with them. The match resumes... Balor makes noises like he's the fucking Tasmanian Devil. He lays Edge on a table and bahahaha it immediately splits perfectly in the middle.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a con-chair-to
5/10

That was fucking silly. And pausing the match to tend to a cut completely killed any momentum it might have been gaining. Edge should go talk to Bret Hart about how great his match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper would have been if they had stopped it to clean up his blood.

Montage of WWE doucheburgers re-enacting famous scenes from various movies. Hold up; one of these dudes drops an F-bomb, but blood in a wrestling match is not allowed?!?!

Backstage Interview
Kayla still works here! Bianca Belair is partying with little children. Find some friends your own age!

Backlash. Bad Bunny. Boring.

Hall of Fame: Class of 2023
This year's inductees were Stacey Kiebler and Andy Kaufman. Obviously there were young girls in attendance, because Jerry 'the King' Lawler had to provide his speech via online. The Great Muta was inducted - despite never wrestling for WWE - as well as.. a referee? Oh, and Rey Mysterio. But not Rey Mysterio, Jr.? He was awesome in WCW. And that Adidas suit is something.

WrestleMania XL will always be sunny in Philadelphia.

More highlights of night one, like I didn't already watch that shit.

The Miz thinks you should gamble.

The Weeknd are still providing WrestleMania theme songs. And they are still terrible.

Do the Safety Dance in jail after you fail to do your taxes properly?

No wonder this company makes so much money they have to cut people due to budget cuts...

Video Package
Cody Rhodes has wanted to be WWE Champion since he was 8 years old and now he is going to finish his story. So he'll win and then die?? You know, all weekend these pre-match videos have been providing all sorts of backstory and helping the casual viewer (e.g. LOGMAN) informed of the story behind the matches. But then when it comes to the main event, they tell us absolutely nothing. That's the WWE I know!
6/10

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Championship
Cody Rhodes vs Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman and some other dude named Solo?)
Reigns is introduced by... pianists? Michael Cole hilariously mocks Cody Rhodes for failing to become an actor when he was younger. And then he goes on to bag on The American Dream for never winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship. I mean, he came to the WWF for a grand total of 18 months in the midst of Hulkamania and was stuck feuding with the likes of Big Bossman and Honky Tonk Man. Hardly the respect a multiple-time NWA Heavyweight World Champion deserved. Paul Heyman babbles something about Roman Reigns "owning an island of relevancy". Honestly sounds like something Roger Moore would have said in Spice World. Haha what the commentators are impressed Rhodes knows the rules. Reigns dominates forever, until Rhodes eventually gets some offense and Cole is all like 'Wow, he's not just going to get smoked like a chump!' Ham Solo gets ejected from the match, but why do they bother agreeing to it? If they disqualify Reigns, he would still be champion. Rhodes hits a Crossroads and not even Heyman can pretend that was getting a three-count. Graves calls Reigns a "great white shark". Racist! Aaand here come the finishers! Reigns goes for a guillotine off his back and I'm pretty sure his shoulders were down for like a twenty-count. It's the main event at WrestleMania, so of course that means we gotta have the referee knocked out! Cole acts like it has never happened before. Well, allow me to check my notes...

*checks notes*

It's happened in the last 50 main events. Fuck you. The Usos run in and hit some superkicks and their Dudley Boys rip-off finisher. So Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens Mac chase them off. Rhodes recovers and hits a bunch of Crossroads... so Ham Solo comes back and murders Rhodes or something.

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear
6/10

If the referee was actually competent, he would have realised Ham Solo had disobeyed his order to leave the ringside and reversed his decision. And THAT would have been a fitting tribute to Dusty Rhodes!

I'll be honest; I knew the result of this and that probably hampered my enjoyment of the match. Michael Cole calls this the greatest title reign of all-time. HAHAHAHAHA no.

We get fan reactions and then it's pyro and posing and peace out!

WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther
   Very physical and very fun!
   
2. Worst Match
   Edge vs Finn Balor
   Like most Edge matches since he returned, it was slow and not all that exciting.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Snoop Dogg with the worst 'People's Elbow' ever? Shane O'Mac blowing his knee and thus ruining whatever they had planned?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host, although that is better than him wrestling. But then he went and did that, too. Again.
5. Star of the Show
   I mean... there really are no stars here?
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing barely anything and getting some sort of WWE belt out of it. Also, shout out to Rick Rubin for sitting behind the Spanish announce table at some point but obviously not agreeing to be on camera.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I don't think there were any other celebrities tonight, but Logan Paul was in the highlights from last night, so let's just go with him, because fuck that douche.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Dear readers, I'm not going to lie to you; tonight I went kinda cheap. I had simple wraps of a Hoki filet on spinach with some baba ghanoush and a bit of coleslaw, all in a garlic butter wrap. I wasn't excited for this show, so didn't go all out on the meals this year. But I sure went 200% on the PepsiMax with Raspberry...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I can't say for certain, but I may have only got a bit of sauce on my sleeve. Which led to a great deal of panic, because this Hart Foundation hockey jersey was far more expensive than that white t-shirt I threw a WrestleMania logo...
10. Overall Score
    That was a WrestleMania! I had a nap after day one and a whole bottle of Pepsi, so maybe that helped my attitude, but there was genuinely not a bad match and some really fun ones to boot. As always, the skits and ads and hosts were fucking awful, and having the bad guy win the main event is kind of a downer, but otherwise this was probably the best WrestleMania I have watched in years.
    7 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night One

1 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,303

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have only just started watching WCW in 1998, so what better time for a trip to 25 years in the future (or one year in the past) and watch last year's WrestleMania? Cody Rhodes is here to follow his Father's dream... of losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, or something. And that's about all I know. And I care about even less. But, it is Good Friday so let's watch some WrestleMania and make it a Bad Friday...

NIGHT ONE

America The Beautiful
Becky G is here to sing the song today. She once did a cool song with J-Hope. This is not that song.
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is our host? Oh, no - he is just presenting this video. WrestleMania is a Once Upon a Time in Hollywood story... which makes no sense, as the first WrestleMania was in New York and Titan's offices are in Connecticut. Maybe Quentin Tarantino is directing this? It's WrestleMania Hollywood again, so the wrestlers have filmed a bunch of classic movie scenes to show off their terrible acting skills again. Fucking kill me now. Bahahahah Kevin Hart says this show has star power "like Austin Theory" - a guy with all the star power of a door knob in Cornwall. 
2/10

Michael Cole welcomes us and aaaaahhhhh fuck The Miz is hosting with Snoop Dogg. Fucking kill me again.

Opening Match
WWE US Championship
John Cena vs Austin Theory (c)
John Cena makes wishes come true for lots of children. Not sure what that has to do with this match; did he refuse to grant Theory's wish? Is Theory uncomfortable with how much WWE like to exploit these sick children? For example, having a bunch of kids on stage for John Cena's introduction. None of them are wearing John Cena t-shirts; in fact, one of them is dressed in a Hulk fucking Hogan costume.

Gosh, Cena is going bald! Theory bites him a few times and Graves writes it off to the referee being lenient because it is WrestleMania. He also thinks there is a possibility that John Cena wins and becomes the US Champion. Of course there is a referee bump and John Cena thinks he has won the match, which means he doesn't.

Winner = Austin Theory via pinfall following some variation of the F5 but with a dumber name
5/10

HHH thinks him in a private plane has everything to do with being a wrestler in a video game.

Shoosh have a chocolate bar.

WWE Shop with the evergreen ugly clothing. This year's WrestleMania special is free shipping? Cheap bastards. 

This year's theme song is AGAIN a shitty song from The Weeknd. Might even be the same shitty song, for all I know. His music sounds like the most generic background music for department stores.

We've had one match and it's already time for the Highlight of the Night? Is it one of the 76 advertisements? Oh, it is something that took place on another show - so it has nothing to do with WrestleMania.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy vs Braun Strowman & Ricohet vs The Viking Raiders (w/Valhalla)

For a moment, I thought The Viking Raiders had the Pepsi logo on their gear. One benefit of posting last year's WrestleMania bLog was that I am coming in to this match actually knowing who Alpha Academy are this time! But still not The Viking Raiders and their non-Pepsi sponsored gear. The Street Profits are still cool. It's crazy that they are never the champions, yet The Usos are always the champions at WrestleMania and have about a 1/5th of the charisma. Strowman runs around the ring doing the worst shoulder tackles I've ever seen. I should add that Titus O'Neal has joined the commentary team for this match and he seems to be channeling Dusty Rhodes. Which makes him the best commentator this company has had in about 20 years. And The Street Profits are still cool.

Winners = The Street Profits via pinfall following cool stuff
6/10

We get some sort of recap of Brock Lesnar's wikpedia page career history. Because tomorrow night Brock Lesnar takes on Omos? Oh, shit - why did I wait a year to watch this?!? Omos is now being billed as 7'3". I'm sure when he first appeared they were billing him as 8 foot or something.

Xavier Woods is backstage with nerds and wrestlers not worthy of a match at WrestleMania. They are running sims on the new WWE video game. But which platform? I want to make fun of this, but I'll take it over more of The Miz.

Video Package
Oh fuck off.
3/10

Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul
Logan Paul copies the Shawn Michaels entrance from WrestleMania XII, except slower and way more lame. Rollins has a conductor to lead the crowd in some chanting or some bullshit, and for the only time in my life I can relate to Logan Paul.

Fuck this. I'm not writing about these turds today.

Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following a curb stomp
4/10

Oh there is a WWE Biography show on Dusty Rhodes? Guess what I'll be watching after this bullshit...

Big E can't decide between a Snickers or a Snickers... or a Snickers.

Video Package
Bayley has new friends. Walmart Lady GaGa still sucks and is teaming with older more talented women.
3/10

Becky Lynch, Lita & Trish Stratus vs Damage Ctrl (Bayley, Io Sky and Dakota Kai)
The good team get some kind of wannabe comicbook-style entrance video. Big Time Becks would be a terrible superhero name. This match is pretty much Damage Ctrl beating on Lynch for a while, until Lita gets the tag and it becomes obvious why Lynch was taking most of the match. Stuff happens and everyone hits their finishing maneuvers.

Winners = Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita via pinfall following something by Becky Lynch that I big time don't care about
5/10

Tomorrow night, Asuka will continue to lose at WrestleMania.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio loves his family, but his son Dominik fell in with a bad crowd and went to jail. They are wrestlers, so Rey should take some of the blame here... Anyways, Dominik did hard time (a whole night?) and that has changed him. He clearly gets his height from Mrs Mysterio, Jr. Rey refused to fight his own son until Dominik... told his Mother... to shut up!
6/10

Bad Bunny is joining the Spanish commentary team. Michael Cole claims this show is a sell out of around 70,000 people, but there sure are a lot of empty seats out there. The hot dog stands must be super busy or something...

Is this supposed to be footage of Dominik in prison? And now he's arriving in a police van, so he is coming direct from prison? Why was he there this time? And why is he now wearing a jacket and mask that he wasn't wearing in the video?

Michael Cole: "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed". I appreciate the effort, but you also watched the previous 20-something WrestleManias, so I don't think that is true.

Rey Mysterio vs Dominik Mysterio
Cole claims that Dominik "hasn't earned the right to wear a lucha mask". Yeah - he hasn't eaten the 1kg burrito at Mad Mex! Snoop Dogg is driving Rey to the ring in a Cadillac. To Eddie Guerrero's WWE theme. Just keep on milking it, guys... I've just finished watching 1997 WCW, which is Rey Misterio Jr. at the peak of his career. This is not that. A lot of back and forth, and then back and forth some more. Their family are ringside, so there is family drama. Then more back and forth. Dominik's bad friends come out to help him, so some other dudes in LWO shirts come out to help Rey. Seriously? L fucking W fucking O? I'm about a year away from Eddie Guerrero starting that in WCW, but seriously, are these people just completely devoid of all creativity? Dominik with the slowest 619 I may have ever seen. Honestly, I feel sorry for this kid; when his Dad was his age, he was already a multi-time WCW Cruiserweight champion and had had numerous 5-star matches. And had even lost his mask! In fairness, he had also been a pro for like ten years already as well, but there is no reason Dominik couldn't have learned from his Father and started younger. And gotten better.

Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following a splash
6/10

A group of children were lied to and they had to hang out with The Miz. So torturing regular children is okay, so long as you grant some wishes for sick kids?

Bad Bunny will host the next WWE show that I will never watch.

Why would I care about some people watching this show in Germany at 4am? Did I need to know that Germans are wacky?

Video Package
Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble and challenged Charlotte Flair. Didn't that already happen a couple of years ago? Again, nothing original going on here...
2/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Rhea Ripley vs Charlotte Flair (c)
I think Michael Cole just claimed that Charlotte Flair has more wins at WrestleMania than anyone else in history? Perhaps he meant to say women only? Because Hulk Hogan has won more times than Flair has even appeared. And The Undertaker went like 21-0 or something. Coles mentions something about the "75,000 people in attendance" and I'm impressed the crowd has somehow grown in the last hour. There must be a massive queue for the bathrooms! Maybe there will be 150,000 people buying drinks by the end of the night! Charlotte Flair is 10 years younger than Trish Stratus. Charlotte Flair looks at least 10 years older than Trish Stratus.

Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following a top-rope Rip Tide
4/10

Michael Cole and Corey Graves say this was the greatest match ever. Uhh sure whatever, dudes.

Tomorrow some dudes want to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Cool.

The Miz announces the attendance has grown even further to reach 80,000! Wow, who would have believed it... He claims he put out an "open challenge" on social media, because he's the toughest man in the building. Dude, you're not even the toughest man in the front row. Pat McAfee comes out and says he couldn't find The Miz's "open challenge" on any of the social media sites, but forgets to list MySpace like a rookie. Cole claims McAfee is undefeated; pretty sure he lost to that old POS and it was embarrassing. Fuckhead. McAfee challenges The Miz to a match because this fucking show hasn't been boring enough. Cole is so excited it's like someone offered him free ice cream for life. McAfee starts a "tiny balls" chant at The Miz. Wait - Snoop Dogg has some WWE belt? And he has the power to make this match official?

Pat McAfee vs The Miz
Corey Graves hates Pat McAfee for some reason. Which is fine, because I hate Corey Graves for all the reasons. The Miz comes off the top rope into a superkick. Some famous guy I don't know - likely sports - attacks The Miz and McAfee doesn't get disqualified. Nice of the Mysterios to give up their seats so this dude could have a whole little section to himself. The crowd give zero fucks about him or this match or any of this.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall following a punt
5/10

The Miz got in zero offence, so maybe this was match of the night...

WrestleMania next year will be in Philadelphia. Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa has got to be making an appearance, right?

They run down the card for tomorrow's (tonight's?) card. Legit looks a million times more interesting than night one.

More advertisements encouraging people to bet on WWE matches. Gambling is bad, yo! And betting on a TV show seems particularly lame.

Video Package
Sami Zayn used to hang out with The Bloodline, which meant he couldn't be friends with Kevin Owens Mac - even though they stopped being friends a couple of WrestleManias ago? But then Zayn turned on The Bloodline to be friends with Kevin Owens Mac again? Cue teen drama music and dialogue about friendships and family (and I mean this literally). It's all kinds of pathetic. BUT at least these fucks are actually using the video packages to tell viewers why the match is happening!
6/10

Musical Performance
Lil' Uzi Vert sounds like a shitty drink from Starbucks. This loser sure ain't no King of Rock.
1/10

Do the safety dance, but not your taxes?

These shitburgers got paid a billion dollars and still fill this fucking show with all the advertisements...

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Tag-Team Championship
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos (c)
As always, it is WrestleMania and The Usos are tag-team champions. Nothing original. Cole says they have been champions for almost two years now. I find it hard to believe much of what that clown says, but let's pretend for a moment that he is actually correct for once; that would mean The Bloodline have held two world championships and two tag-team championships for two years. Why?? It seems unnecessary. The Hart Foundation were an infinitely better faction and when they held a bunch of titles it was only for a few months. And they held more, because they were better. Usos beat down Zayn to start. And continue. And continue some more. Kevin Owens Mac finally gets the tag, so that means things get a bit more back and forth. And The Usos hit a million superkicks like they think they're The Young Bucks at a superkick party. The Spanish announce table was destroyed earlier in the show - I didn't mention it, because it was meaningless - and now they have a new one, so Kevin Owens Mac tries to put an Uso through it. Which, of course, means Owens Mac is going through a table instead. Superkicks and finishers everywhere!

Winners = Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac via pinfall following 3 haloumi kicks from Sami Zayn
7/10

New champions!

Pyro and celebrations and highlights of everything I just had to watch and see you tomorrow! Or in an hour!

WrestleMania XXXIX - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos
   Good match and storytelling for once. Well worked. And everything else on this show was all sorts of boring.
2. Worst Match
   Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul.
   Rollins was slow and Paul is green as boogers. And even more unlikeable. And this just felt like a big commercial for all his brands. Don't buy his shit.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Not a whole lot... my hot cross buns?.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host. Although, I suppose that was better than him wrestling. But he went and did that, too...
5. Star of the Show
   John Cena? 
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing very little and earning a WWE title belt or something.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Lil' Uzi Nerd and his autotune pedal. That dude is garbage and if you like his music you need to have your spotify account cancelled.
8. Tonight's Meal
   It's early, so I kicked things off with breakfast wraps for brunch; hummus, eggs. spinach, sautéed mushrooms in a low carb spinach wrap. I thought maybe it was too early for Pepsi, so I had some classic 7up Light. But by the time Charlotte Flair hit my TV screen, I was reaching for the Pepsi-Max with Raspberry.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Well, I actually did, but it didn't leave any stains. My Hart Foundation hockey jersey is safe. For now...
10. Overall Score
    Holy zombie Jeebus on his holy day was that one boring fucking show. Admittedly, the super bad was limited, but I just didn't give a fuck about anything happening and none of it was good enough to change my mind. The matches were all kinds of mediocre and these 'superstars' just have zero charisma. Hilariously, I had considered watching WCW Souled Out 1998 before this show and I think that would have made things so much worse; going from Bret Hart vs Ric Flair to the fucking Alpha Academy and Austin Theory would have had me going to church or something. I would like to say this was not the worst WrestleMania ever, but when I consider the fact this was twice as long as what I consider to be the worst WrestleMania, well... fuck this show.
    3 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVII, Night One

10 April 2021
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA

Attendance: 17,946

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
Oh yeah we are back at it! It's Good Friday, which makes it Bad Friday again! I am trying to keep this as an Easter tradition, because Good Friday means all the shops are closed and it's cold - so what else am I going to do? Enjoy my day? Forget that silliness! Especially because this shit is just getting longer and longer each year. But last year, WrestleMania got delayed by a couple of weeks and ended up taking place the week after Easter, which completely fudged my plan - once again, Vince McMahon trying his best to make things difficult for me. But, joke's on him! This year, I'll watch last year's WrestleMania today and then this year's WrestleMania on Easter Sunday. Two days - two WrestleManias! So joke's on... me?!?

I'm not too sure what we have in store tonight; I watched the Royal Rumble last year, and from that I recall both Edge and Bianca Belair will be receiving title shots. Against who, I'm not that sure. I also assume Roman Reigns will be in the main event like always. And a bunch of old dudes that will actually get the crowd to cheer in ways the current "superstars" can't. 

NIGHT ONE

They've saved all the pirate decorations from last year - glad those record profits aren't actually going back into the product. Vince McMahon decides to open the show with some rousing speech about welcoming back the fans or some shit. Fuck him and fuck them and fuck you, WWE.

America the Beautiful

Bebe who? And some other girl on guitar that didn't warrant an introduction? The guitar playing isn't bad. The singing is. This song is still the worst. And what in the fuck happened at the end?

3/10

Opening Video Package

I don't recall Mankind jumping off a cage at WrestleMania? Oh my gawd - they're even repeating the whole Captain Jack Sparrow nonsense from last year's opening video package. Though I do enjoy every year we hear the "Once in a lifetime!" tagline from The Rock/Cena which was actually twice in a lifetime. This shit gets dumber every year and I'm dumb for watching.

2/10

There is some sort of weather delay? What, lightning might strike and blow up the arena? Well then, LET'S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!

Backstage Interview
Sarah Not Kayla is with Shane McMahon and he is looking worse than ever - and he hasn't even started wrestling! He thinks Braun Strowman is stupid and it's fun to make fun of him. Sarah tells him to pick on someone his own size - so someone smaller?

MVP and Bobby Lashley interrupt to say "this is The All Mighty Era!" or something? Drew McIntyre takes issue with this. He then takes over the interview time to tell us he's all about keeping his emotions together. Ummm coming out before your match to act like a crazy man towards the guy you'll be having a match against is a clear sign you do not have your emotions under control.
2/10

Now we have to talk to the Pre-Show Panel? I already had to sit through an hour of these morons and there is only so much of this Peter Shillburger I can take.

Backstage Interview
Some British Nerd is with New Day's Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. Kofi is looking old and his chest is collapsing. He isn't sure AJ Styles and Omos are a registered tag-team. What?? Woods talks about New Day being small, but I'm pretty sure AJ Styles may actually be smaller than them. Big E comes in and gives a rousing sermon.
4/10

Michael Cole calls this "WrestleRainia" and it sounds like Samoa Joe used all the restraint in the world to not punch him in the mouth.

Backstage Interview
Sarah talks to Braun Strowman, who claims he is standing up for all the people in the world who have been bullied. This dude is like 6'9" and 300 pounds. He isn't getting bullied by anyone. His vision of winning the match sounds an awful lot like murder - Shane should probably call the cops.
3/10

Back to the Pre-Show Panel. Peter Peter Shill-O-Meter tells us how amazing Vince McMahon is and I'm going to puke. On him.

Backstage Interview
British Nerd wants to interview Kevin Owens Mac, but Kevin Owens Mac is like 'Dude, you're too lame - give me the microphone'. He gives some sort of history of his friendship with Sami Zayn and oh my fucking gawd we are doing yet another 'Kevin Owens was best friends with Wrestler X and now they are enemies and must fight at WrestleMania' story. He also threatens Logan Paul. Just because? Or is Logan Paul going to be at WrestleMania to complete the suckitude?
5/10

Michael Cole and Samoa Joe are being rained on. Joe should drown Cole.

Backstage Interview
Bianca Belair tells Sarah she is nervous because she cares. Sarah tells her she is "making HERstory".
4/10

Backstage Interview
British Nerdburger interviews Seth Rollins who apparently gets his name wrong, but I'm hardly going to fault him for that given what I'm calling him. But at least I now know his name isn't Mike. Rollins laughs a lot and can't pronounce Cesaro properly. This guy actually used to be enjoyable, you know.
2/10

Sarah is joined by The Miz and John Morrison. Tonight they'll be facing Damian Priest and Bad Bunny. Maybe this rain delay could last forever? The Miz: "The fun & games are over!". He's never been more right; I'm watching The Miz at WrestleRainia and there is no fun to be had at all.
-2/10

Video Package
Drew McIntyre was WWE Champion, but somehow Bobby Lashley became champion by helping The Miz become champion? McIntyre thinks Lashley is afraid to fight him. He could have just not agreed to this match if he didn't want to do it... It is now "The All Mighty Era."
6/10

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are our hosts, so I'm guessing we are finally ready to get started. And Titus is here to help rehabilitate our racist American hero. O'Neil welcomes the crowd, while Hogan just stands there looking old, throwing out the occasional "brother".

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Bobby Lashley (c) (w/MVP)
All this CGI stuff around the ring is sooooo bad!

Lashley gets lightning for his introduction? Did the production team mistake him for The Undertaker? They're having a kinda fun big-man match - except for when McIntyre decides to do some silly fake Jiu-Jitsu. So Lashley just pounds on him and it is fun! Big dudes should just fight like this!
Lots of back and forth with big moves. Drew kinda fucks up a superplex so they just beat on each other on top of the turnbuckle. McIntyre puts Lashley in a Kimura and Cole makes some reference to McIntyre and Brock Lesnar and I have no idea what he's on about, because I saw that match and it was legit only two different big moves. And neither of them were a Kimura. McIntyre taunts Lashley with a "Bring it, Bitch!" and then Lashley beats the snot out of him HAHAHA. McIntyre spams the shittiest looking DDT I've ever seen, then dives over the top rope. They run a slow-mo replay and it shows his wang clipping the top rope as he went over hee hee.

It's 2021 and giving the Full Nelson a new name doesn't make it any less lame than it was 50 years ago.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via Hurt Lock/Full Nelson
6/10

Drew McIntyre squashed Brock Lesnar last WrestleMania when no one was around to care. The minute they get fans back in the building, and he just gets smoked. WrestleMania moments!

The Super Old NWO are backstage with Titus O'Neil and Bayley. And nothing happens.

Undertaker NFT's are a great way of separating the normal people from the criminally stupid.

Tag-Team Turmoil Match
Match #1
Lana & Naomi vs Billie Kay & Carmella
Lana & Naomi do some raving or some shit before the match.

It's stupid and so are they. Oh great, the idea of this match wasn't bad enough, so they have to add Corey Graves on commentary. He's actually married to Carmella, so he likely insists on calling her matches. I insist on calling her garbage and annoying. Why the fuck is this match actually on WrestleMania? I know they fired a lot of wrestlers due to "budget cuts" but surely they have better wrestlers who could have wrestled instead? Lana is about as talented as my man Death Row 3260.

Winners = Billie Kay & Carmella via some cheating pin nonsense.

At least that was quick?

Match #2
The Riott Squad vs Billie Kay & Carmella
I want to like The Riott Squad, but bah gawd do I hate Billie Kay & Carmella. They both just fill the arena with high-pitched yelling.

Winners = The Riott Squad via doubleteam.

OK now I do like The Riott Squad!

Match #3
The Riott Squad vs Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke

BAHAHAHAHA that may be my favourite "WrestleMania Moment" tonight!

Winners = The Riott Squad via rollup pin.

The ring announcer declares The Riott Squad have been eliminated, then after a minute of confusion, announces they actually won, because no one in this company can actually be good at their jobs.

Match #4
The Riott Squad vs Natalya & Tamina

Wow, Natalya is still here? And still so average?? She hits the slowest Hart Attack ever, I can only assume Bret would give it a 2 out of 10.

Winners = Natalya & Tamina via shitty superfly splash from Tamina
1/10

So tomorrow, Natalya & Tamina will receive a title-shot at the women's tag-team champions, Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax. Gawdam, I thought this match was bad enough!

WWE Shop. WrestleMania specials. Fuck you.

WWE Superstars want you to get vaccinated. Except for QAnon followers like Nia Jax that think the vaccine is a form of mind control designed by Bill Gates. Fun fact: they also think The Rock eats human babies. As his cousin, I wonder how she reconciles that type of nonsense in her lizard-brain.

There is a story about the 24/7 title and some guy called Average Joe. It's an advertisement for Old Spice? I genuinely have no idea.

Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
Rollins plays some type of political hit-piece about Cesaro being no good? So he's Veep, now?
Rollins hits a superplex and rolls through to another suplex. Cesaro spams uppercuts in creative ways. The story of this match is Cesaro want to give Rollins the Giant Swing, even though he already hit Rollins with it a couple of days ago and got like 23 revolutions. It was probably only 16, because no one ever counts it properly. Cesaro gets the Giant Swing for only 6 or 7 swings, and then follows up with a Sharpshooter. I'm a fair man, so I'll be honest and say it was not so well done. Rollins hits a corkscrew splash. He's no Hector Garza, but I'll give him points for trying something different. Reversals, reversals, reversals. How is it strikes to the back of the head are illegal in all forms of combat sport, but totally fine in pro-wrestling - where you aren't even allowed to use a closed fist? Cesaro gets funky!

He hits the Giant Swing again and everyone counts way too fast; they say it's 24 revolutions, but I'm pretty sure it was only 14.

Winner = Cesaro via pin following Neutraliser.
8/10

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was on Smackdown, instead of the WrestleMania Pre-Show like previous years. That match sure lost esteem VERY quickly.

Backstage Interview
Kayla is with Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode. Ziggler references the gold of the tag-team title belts that he is holding, except the belts are actually silver you fucking moron.
2/10

Raw Tag-Team Championship
New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos

Big E introduces New Day. They're 11-time tag-team champions now? Holy shit, they're just throwing around belts like pancakes these days. Omos isn't even dressed to wrestle. New Day demand Styles start the match because they are cowards. Kofi Kingston hits a move on Styles, which means New Day have a party and mock Styles. Then they double-team him FOREVER and talk endless shit. Umm they're the good guys here?? Omos is bored. Styles goes for the tag and Woods begs him not to do it. Seriously. Woods kicks Omos, who just totally no sells it and tells him he hits like a bitch. But then he just does jack shit himself. Dude is 7'3" - he should just be throwing these fools around the ring for 5 minutes. Styles leaps off Omos to hit a forearm.

Winners = AJ Styles & Omos via Omos pinning Kofi Kingston with one foot.
3/10

New Champions!

That was possibly the worst planning I have ever seen in a match. I get you don't want Omos in there because he's not very good. At all. But having the good guys double-team and mock the smaller bad guy for eternity is just dumb. And then Omos barely did shit when he got in, so even that part wasn't exciting.

Baron Corbin is dressed for the Tour de France, so he needs a Snickers.

WWE2K22. When I type that, it just looks like some kid's username on some shitty forum where I am making fun of him for liking dumb things.

Tonight's "Official WrestleMania Theme Song" is provided by The Weeknd. I don't know what it is called. It is more boring than my bLog.

Video Package
Braun Strowman is sad because Shane McMahon thinks he is stupid. Shane even dumped green slime on him. How cruel! They were booked for a match, but Shane got injured in training. Because he's fucking old? If Shane is scared to fight this guy, why did he accept a match at WrestleMania and then say it could be any match Strowman wanted?
4/10

Steel Cage Match
Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
Jerry 'The King' Lawler joins the commentary team, because this is match will likely be awful and they want to distract the viewer by having someone say awful things for total non-entertainment enjoyment. Elias and some other dude attack Strowman before he enters the cage. I'm happy for Elias to finally have a friend! Commentators say "Shane has great hands" and think they must mean he does hand modelling or something, because his punches are awful. He pulls a piece off the top of the cage - budget cuts are hitting the cages now? Byron Saxton seems to be over this show already and starts promoting Night Two as being "more exciting". Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making the worst old-man jokes it is like I'm listening to Captain Lou Albano. There is a toolbox conveniently placed at the top of the cage, so of course Shane hits Strowman with it. Which of course means he could win, but instead chooses to do something stupid and end up back in the ring. Strowman breaks the cage some more. So why have a cage if you're just going to break it? He gives Shane an armdrag or something off the top of the cage and is all "Who's stupid now?!?" and I'm thinking "You are, because you could just walk down and win but instead chose to get back in the ring".

Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following a powerslam.
2/10

Bayley is here to annoy the commentators. She's now appeared more than the "official" hosts.

Hall of Fame 2020
They couldn't have a ceremony for the Class of 2020, so they will get their moment tonight. This featured a bunch of people that have nothing to do with WWE, like Japanese star Jushin "Thunder" Liger - who has never wrestled for WWE - and William Shatner?? They show a clip of him with Bret Hart, so now his induction makes sense. Oh, the NWO were the 'headline' act. There were like 500 members of that group, so they only inducted Hulk Hogan and H-Bomb Cockface's friends.

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is excited about WrestleMania next year (this year?) because it's in Texas. Ever notice how WrestleMania is often in the most backwards parts of America?

Booker T joins commentary. Why? Oh that's right - it must be time for Bad Bunny to have his match and Bad Bunny wrote that song about Booker T that was super fucking awful.

A large group of people in rabbit costumes run down to the ring. It's Easter! Time for an Easter Egg Hunt! Or time for The Miz and John Morrison to come out and lip sync to some shitty song they wrote about Bad Bunny. The Commentators pretend it is good. The people in rabbit costumes have filled the ring and are jumping around.

Fuck-a.

My-a.

Life-a.

Video Package
We are shown all the success Bad Bunny has had in his career. I legit hadn't heard of him until he appeared in WWE, but apparently he is super popular. His music seems fucking terrible, that's for sure. He's also got "2023" written on a t-shirt he wears under a bulletproof vest like he thinks he fucking Death Row 3260. These four men have issues because... hahah oh come on now - we all know I have ZERO fucks to give about that.
3/10

The Miz & John Morrison had to stand in the ring and wait while that video package aired. They really need someone with a functional brain to put these shows together.

Damian Priest & Bad Bunny vs The Miz & John Morrison
Bad Bunny enters riding on top of a truck like he's Batman. Or Becky Lynch? The crowd sure seem to love him. The crowd also seems to love WWE and WrestleMania, so fuck them. Bad Bunny is so small he makes The Miz look, well, not so small. Bad Bunny beats up The Miz a lot. Then, The Miz turns it around and I immediately lose interest.
Booker T: "You guys don't know Bad Bunny the way that I know him". Let's keep it that way.
Holy shit Bad Bunny just hit a destroyer?!!?

Don't get me wrong - Morrison is very athletic and did all the real work here, but damned if it didn't look good

Winners = Damian Priest & Bad Bunny via pinfall following a splash from Bad Bunny.
3/10

Bad Bunny wasn't that bad at all! The Miz, however, continues to be a vacuum of enjoyment.

You can fight hard to achieve your dreams and win a WWE Championship belt... or just buy one from WWE Shop.

Promo for WrestleMania Night Two. Why are people paying Logan Paul to do anything except fuck off and die?

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Royal Rumble. She calls herself "The EST". Sasha Banks calls herself "The Best". I call her overrated and fucking annoying. Wait, now Banks is some sort of pioneer? She broke down barriers for blue-haired children?
3/10

Main Event
Smackdown Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks (c)
Belair is legit crying before the match even starts. I might, too; I'm out of Pepsi. Bianca Belair is strong.

This match is at its best when Belair is doing fun power moves. It's at its worst when Banks is in control. Belair does some crazy long suplex and as soon as they hit the mat, the referee starts counting them down. Haha Banks uses Belair's long braid to tie up her arm. Belair gets a two count and has the most hilarious meltdown.

Graves: "Bianca nailed the 450 splash!". No she didn't - your feet aren't supposed to hit the floor first. Belair slaps Banks with her braid and WWE edit in some type of gunshot sound BAHAHAHA.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver that they seem to be calling the Kiss of Death or KOD. Look, I'm just following what Michael Cole said, though after listening to Craig in the UWF, I should know better than to trust these goofs.
6/10

New Champion!

Fireworks and good night!

WrestleMania XXXVII - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
   They are good wrestlers and their powers combined to make a good match.
2. Worst Match
   Lana & Naomi vs Carmella & Billie Kay
   I would say the whole women's tag-team turmoil match, but I will specifically call this match out as the absolute shit burger with cheese. If this had been a UWF show, even Bruno would have been burying these four women.
   Shout-out to the person that laid out the New Day/AJ Styles & Omos match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mandy Rose falling on the entrance? Bret Hart with William Shatner?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   People in bunny costumes partying in the ring to The Miz & John Morrison's "hit song".
5. Star of the Show
   Bad Bunny. I may not know who he is, but he is certainly very popular. AND he didn't look too bad in the match.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Bad Bunny.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   The Pete dude on the pre-show panel. Not a celebrity by any stretch, but bah gawd he needs a kick in the balls.
8. Tonight's Meal
   I've hit this early, because motherfucking WWE decided to move to two nights. So I had two flavours today; first a breakfast wrap, featuring scrambled eggs, avocado, baby spinach and honey mustard. Then my second wrap featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, spring onion and corn fritters, topped with honey mustard again. Simple and effective. PepsiMax kept me alive. I need more if I want to survive another 4 hours of this...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is handy, because I'm wearing a nice hoodie that has no wrestling connection whatsoever.
10. Overall Score
    This was an okay show. The opening match was fun, the Cesaro/Rollins match was great, and the main event wasn't bad. The rest was burning garbage with zero heat, or just total vibe killing slow nonsense. As always, the "hosts" did zero hosting. Why do they bother with that every year?? But at least once things got going after the weather delay, they didn't waste a lot of time, so the show didn't drag like some years.
    5 out of 10