WrestleMania March Madness, Day Four: WrestleMania IV

27 March 1988
Historic Atlantic City Convention Hall, Trump Plaza
Atlantic City, New Jersey - USA

Attendance: 18,165

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura


This is being posted a bit later than the others because I had audio issues with my file. Luckily, I found the live PPV on Daily Motion so was still able to watch it, but by the time the show ended, I figured it was best to get some sleep and just write this up at work. What else am I going to do there? Work? Don't be silly.


My thoughts before this viewing:
This was probably the first WrestleMania I ever saw; 1988 was the year I started watching WWF, but it wasn't until just after this show (I remember being a fan during the build to SummerSlam in August. But then again, we were like 3 months behind here in NZ). I couldn't tell you much more than the results from a few matches. I did try to re-watch this a few years ago after watching the first 3, but I ended up getting bored and possibly falling asleep. That sounds like me. Now I have the original version, perhaps hearing Demolition's theme music will keep me excited? I am already very tired and grumpy, so let's see how this works out...


Opening Video Package
The sexy saxophone music has been replace with some stadium rock. Quick graphics showing a slot machine - so this show is a gamble?

This show is a bit different, as it is based around a tournament to crown a new WWF World Heavyweight Champion. The title was made vacant after a whole lot of shenanigans between Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan, which resulted in Andre being champion for about 30 seconds. Being the last 2 champions, they get a bye and will face each other in the 2nd round.

Shut up, Logman. No one cares.


America the Beautiful
Gladys Knight has come straight from her shift at Chotchkie's to sing for you this evening. Her acapella is better than 'Mean' Gene's.
7/10

Jesse is happy Vince isn't commentating with him tonight. Me too.
Bob Uecker is back so Jesse tells him he sucks. This is why Jesse is awesome.

20-Man Battle Royal
Hart Foundation are out first - because you need to start the show with awesome. Ignore the boos, everyone. The trophy is huge and impressive. Bob Uecker explains that he has five trophies like that at home because anyone can get a trophy made. Quite true.

These things are just mayhem and I never know what to watch. Gorilla says there are 4 men left where there are clearly 6. Then someone is eliminated and he says we are down to 5. Because 4 - 1 = 5? The Iron Sheik has been tutoring him in Math.
Winner = Bad News Brown
4/10

The trophy is actually much taller than him. Bret Hart comes back and shows his sportsmanship by beating up Bad News and smashing his newly won trophy. And yes, that makes him a good guy now.
I'm even putting up the score.
5/10

Robin Leach opens the WWF World Heavyweight Championship tournament by saying "Whereas" a hundred times.

First Round Tournament Match
My Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan vs 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase (w/Virgil & Andre the Giant)
The Million Dollar Man is so rich he has a cheap looking dollar sign on his sparkly outfit.

Winner = Ted Dibiase via Andre the Giant interfering
3/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake who manages to rhyme "champi-un" with "done" while caressing his hedge-trimmers. This is why he is better than you.
8/10

First Round Tournament Match
Don 'the Rock' Muraco (w/'Superstar' Billy Graham) vs Dino Bravo (w/Frenchy Martin)
Don Muraco and Billy Graham come out looking like a couple of hippies from Woodstock. Hang, on didn't I ask for hippies in the first WrestleMania? That'll teach me...

Muraco is no longer 'magnificent'. He is also not that Rock.

The ref doesn't like croissants so disqualifies Dino Bravo.
Winner = Don 'the Rock' Muraco via disqualification
1/10

Backstage
Bob Uecker is with The Honky Tonk Man and Jimmy Hart. He says Brutus is his personal stylist and Honky isn't invited to his house.
2/10

First Round Tournament Match
Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine (w/Jimmy Hart)
Steamboat comes out with his infant song which is cute but I don't think that kid will protect him from many bad guys. Though it is only Jimmy Hart, so maybe this kid will be enough.

I could probably take him, though.
Now Gorilla is calling Steamboat the excellence of exection. Bret Hart's next book is just going to be dedicated to how wrong Gorilla Monsoon was. According to the commentators, a thumb to the eye will stop anybody. I will try to remember that next time Godzilla attacks.
Winner = Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine via pinfall with a handful of trunks
3/10

Donald and Ivana Trump are sitting in the front row. Ivana genuinely looks like she would kill to be somewhere else.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with the British Bulldogs and Koko B. Ware. Matilda the Bulldog is going to eat someone's lunch.
1/10

First Round Tournament Match
'Macho Man' Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) vs 'The Natural' Butch Reed (w/Slick)
Jesse recommends Gorilla buy a car from Slick.
Winner = 'Macho Man' Randy Savage via pinfall following flying elbow
4/10

Backstage
Bob Uecker thinks he is better than Jesse with the ladies. Bobby Heenan and the Islanders don’t agree. Or think Bob is cool. Or like dogs.
4/10

First Round Tournament Match
Bam Bam Bigelow (w/Oliver Humperdink) vs One Man Gang (w/Slick)
Two big scary dudes!

Two big boring dudes.
Winner = One Man Gang via countout
2/10

Backstage
‘Mean’ Gene is with Hulk Hogan. He is going to slam Andre the Giant again and become a lifeguard. No Joke. Donald Trump will then become his disciple. The Book of Trump will tell great stories of the exodus to Atlantic City. We’re doomed.
6/10

First Round Tournament Match
Jake ‘the Snake’ Roberts vs ‘Ravishing’ Rick Rude (w/Bobby Heenan)
Rick Rude says the odds are in his “favourite” – probably because he a manga character on his bum.

This match is long. No wonder they run out of time.
Draw
6/10

Backstage
‘Mean’ Gene is with Vanna White. They go over the tournament brackets/winners. She is skinny.
2/10

The Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules (w/Bobby Heenan)
Lots of grunting and punching
Winner = The Ultimate Warrior via pinfall
2/10

After the match, Hercules gets angry and chokes The Ultimate Warrior with his chain. Surely that makes Hercules a good guy now?

Shill for merch.
‘Mean’ Gene and a very scared woman look like dorky tourists. You too can buy the complete package and be ridiculed by your friends!

Video Package
We get a recap of the Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant feud, which is basically the same video from WrestleMania III but with all the shenanigans of the last few months added. I approve of Ted Dibiase’s evil laugh.

Second Round Tournament Match
Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant (w/Ted Dibiase & Virgil)
Andre really should have a theme song. Surely someone could make a song called Real Frenchy? His shoe size seems to have decreased since the first WrestleMania… and he’s put on about 100 pounds. Hogan uses a chair but isn’t disqualified? Referee must be a bad swimmer or hate French people. They gotten a hard time from the referees tonight. And me. And I actually like French people!*
Double disqualification
3/10

*I've only met 2 - I liked one and don't like the other. So the next French person I meet will be the real deciding factor. That's a lot of pressure and I hope they are up for the challenge!

Hulk Hogan then beats everyone up because that is what good guys do when they don’t win.

Backstage
‘Mean’ Gene is with ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage and Elizabeth. Savage says Gene has never beaten Hulk Hogan. Are they setting up Hulk Hogan vs ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund for WrestleMania V?
5/10

Second Round Tournament Match
Don ‘the Rock’ Muraco (w/’Superstar’ Billy Graham) vs ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ted Dibiase
Dibiase doesn’t have his sparkly suit this time, and Billy Graham no longer looks like a homeless hippie. More like a hippie with a medium wage job.

Wait, Dibiase actually won without cheating???
Winner = ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ted Dibiase via pinfall with no cheating!
3/10

Backstage
Bob Uecker is with Demolition and Mr. Fuji. Demolition have different rules for baseball than what I’ve heard.
4/10

Second Round Tournament Match
‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) vs Greg ‘the Hammer’ Valentine
Gorilla says something stupid and Jesse calls him on it. I’m noticing a trend here…
Winner = ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage via pinfall
4/10

Backstage
‘Mean’ Gene is with Vanna White. She needs to eat some pies.

WWF Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship
Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake vs The Honky Tonk Man (c) (w/Jimmy Hart & Peggy Sue)
Honky’s theme song involves him singing about how great his music is. Andre needs a theme like that. Gorilla assures us that Beefcake’s hedge-trimmers are sharp enough to cut paper, while Jesse brags that Prince is at his house watching the show. I’d believe it. Probably making pancakes, too. Honky gets mad when Brutus messes with his hair – the guy is a trained barber, Honky. People pay for him to style their hair! Ungrateful… so with the ref knocked out, Brutus shows his stuff and gives Jimmy Hart a haircut. He’s just building his portfolio.
Winner = Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake via disqualification
6/10

Backstage
Bob Uecker is sad he can’t find Vanna White. He is even more sad when Andre the Giant comes in and chokes him.
2/10

The British Bulldogs & Koko B. Ware vs The Islanders & Bobby ‘the Brain’ Heenan
Heenan is wearing a dog trainer’s protective gear.

And he just pinned Koko B. Ware.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Winners = The Islanders & Bobby ‘the Brain’ Heenan via pinfall
4/10

Because the bad guys won, the British Bulldogs set the dog after them.

Once again, Jesse Ventura is introduced to the crowd and receives a huge ovation, so he poses and shows off his zebra print pants.

Ted Dibiase is in the ring to brag about the fact he gets a bye and is now in the final.

Tournament Semi-Final
‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) vs One Man Gang (w/Slick)
Savage and Elizabeth have another costume change. They are a tandem Cher concert. Slick gets all up in Elizabeth’s face, offering her a spot with his ladies.

Get it? Because he is a pimp.
Thank you, I’m here all night.
Winner = ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage via disqualification
2/10

Backstage
‘Mean’ Gene is forced to say goodbye to Vanna White as she is blown away by a draught. Bob Uecker runs in hoping to find his biggest fan – Vance White. Hilarity!
1/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
Strike Force (c) vs Demolition (w/Mr. Fuji)
Demolition come out to heavy metal – Strike Force come out to cheese. Demolition win the walk out battle. And the match.
Winners = Demolition via pinfall following assault with international object
6/10

I like tag team matches in the 80’s.

Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) vs ‘The Million Dollar Man’ Ted Dibiase (w/Virgil & Andre the Giant)
Guest Ring Announcer: Bob Uecker
Guest Timekeeper: Vanna White
Bob basically orgasms when Vanna White kisses him on the cheek. The Fink actually has to keep whispering to him about things. And he still fucks up, saying Ted Dibiase is coming to ring “accompanied by himself”
Savage and Elizabeth come out in outfits I would actually believe they wore while getting married.

Savage looks to be losing the match so Miss Elizabeth leaves – the lady doesn’t hang out with losers. No wait, she is coming back with Hulk Hogan. And he lost, so I am wrong. He’s here to steal the spotlight. And the girl?
Winner = ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage via pinfall
New champion!
6/10

Hogan grabs a chair and chases off the bad guys. He celebrates with Savage and Elizabeth while Savage’s music plays to send us home. How anti-climactic.

WrestleMania IV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   'Macho Man' Randy Savage vs 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase
   But for a show with 6,000 matches, nothing was particularly awesome.
2. Worst Match
   Don Muraco vs Dino Bravo
   Muraco needs to be magnificent again, because he sucks as a Rock.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Who know? It was all blur of mediocrity... so I will say that gif of Hulk Hogan doing the backstroke.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Bob Uecker searching for Vanna White. She was with Gene, so shouldn't have been hard to find. Not to mention, he was booked to be in the ring with her anyway - no need to go on a treasure hunt to find her.
5. Star of the Show
   'Macho Man' Randy Savage. He was the only man in the tournament to wrestle 4 times and he had to overcome lots of adversity. Plus he is awesome.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Robin Leach. Only because he came off as smarmy in his 2 minutes and Bob Uecker was lame. Vanna White just came across as a vapid gameshow assistant.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I'm sure Vanna White is a lovely person, I really am. But she should stick to turning letters on Wheel of Fortune. Or being stuck in a closet with Weird Al Yankovic.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was avocado, spinach, kale, cucumber, tomato, capsicum, red onion and alfalfa sprouts with falafel, topped with chilli sauce and garlic & yoghurt sauce. Was a great combination of flavours. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine and since it was a long show, the treat was well needed. Only needed 7-Up tonight, which is amazing considering I was exhausted and did start watching until very late due to issues with my file.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   No gains from tonight, I think. Doesn't mean the shirt looks clean. I am disgusting.
10. Overall Score
    Bit of a drag. So many quick matches that it wasn't so bad, but it also meant that nothing ever really got going. The show felt like an hour longer than it actually was. At least my meal was awesome? I don't even have much to say about anything because it was a show that just kind of happened.
    4 out of 10
    
    

 

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Two: WrestleMania II

7 April 1986
Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum
Uniondale, New York - USA
Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA
Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena
Los Angeles, California - USA

Attendance: 40,085 (combined)

Commentators:
New York - Vince McMahon & Susan Saint James
Chicago - Gorilla Monsoon, 'Mean' Gene Okerlund & Cathy Lee Crosby
Los Angeles - Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes & Elvira 

My thoughts before this viewing:
I think I first saw this show when i was about 8. I say "I think" because I totally remember seeing a steel cage match between Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy but almost nothing else from this show. So maybe I didn't see the whole show? I watched it again a few years ago and it was OK - nothing special. So let's see how it rocks tonight. However, I am quite tired so it will need to be fun to make an impression...

Opening Video Package
We get some sexy saxophone music and quick little title card to tell us we are in New York. Talk about non-event...

America the Beautiful
No more national anthem, but Ray Charles is here to sing America the Beautiful. And he kills it because he is Ray Charles. Though over the song is lots of war footage. OK... And we end with a picture of Hulk Hogan looking heroic, because he represents truth, justice, and the American way!
6/10

'Mean' Gene says hi from Chicago, then sends us back to New York.
Pointless. Even more pointless? Adding this in here...

Backstage
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper cuts a promo about how much he is going to destroy Mr. T in a boxing match. He didn't say Apollo Creed was his boxing coach, so I'm not sure I believe him.
8/10

Opening Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Magnificent Muraco (w/Mr. Fuji)
Instead of backstage promos, we get voice overs from the wrestlers while the match starts.
Orndorff gets racist at Fuji and Susan hits us with our first "uh-oh" of the evening. They will form the basis of her commentary tonight.
They brawl outside and the bell rings - looks like the match was thrown out but no one seems to know what the hell just happend - there is no announcement and the officials all just talk amongst themselves for a day.
Double Countout?
3/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 4

The crowd chants "Bullshit!"
Great way to start the show!

Backstage
Mr. T is getting ready to talk with his fists
10/10

Macho Man cuts a promo about madness. He has that in spades.
8/10

WWF Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship
George 'the Animal' Steele vs 'Macho Man' Randy Savage (c) (w/Miss Elizabeth)
Susan thinks that Elizabeth should be dating Steele instead of Macho Man, so clearly she is either blind or has a mental disorder. Proving my point, Steele runs around the ring like he is impersonating Zoidberg.

Apparently, flowers are not an international object so both men decide to beat each other with them at will. Both Susan and Vince claim that Steele has great respect for women. Interesting... constantly making creepy romantic advances towards a woman that has made it abundantly clear she is not interested? I call that stalking
Winner = Randy Savage via pinfall with feet on the ropes
5/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 19
Susan was on fire. And she didn't stop once the match was over - she still had plenty left in the tank.

Back to Chicago
'Mean' Gene is talking with Big John Studd and Bill Fralic - an American footballer. Studd is very annoyed about him so Fralic calls him "Dud". Burn!
2/10

George Wells vs Jake 'the Snake' Roberts
Vince doesn't believe Jake has a snake in his bag. Good to know you obviously don't bother to watch your own show, Vince. This is like a one-sided squash... until Jake reverses something and wins.
Winner = Jake 'the Snake' Roberts via pinfall following DDT
2/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 6

Jake pulls out his snake while the "uh-oh"s rain down from Susan. In a moment that just sums up this show, Jake is doing his best to make it look like the snake is trying to kill George, but it clearly just wants to walk around the ring and chill out.

Vince and Susan are actually just sitting on some chairs and watching the show like they are on Donahue.

History of the feud between Mr. T and 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper.
Mr. T pities Piper - nothing else matters.
6/10

Backstage in Los Angeles
Jesse Ventura talks to Hulk. They go back and forth and it is all kinds of awesome.
8/10

New York Main Event
10 Round Boxing Match
Mr. T (w/Joe Frazier & The Haiti Kid) vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper (w/Bob Orton & Lou Duva)
Guest Ring Announcer: Joan Rivers
Guest Judges: Darryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway & G. Gordon Liddy
Guest Timekeeper: Herb

Cab Calloway is cool and I at least know who Joan Rivers is, but those other guys? You may as well have grabbed a few guys from the local Burger King and sent them out there for all I care

Mr. T looks about twice the size he did last year - I'm guessing he has changed his diet to more than just tuna and water. First round is even. Second round and Piper beats up Mr. T and knocks him down - what complete horseshit! Mr. T must be lulling him into a false sense of security. Round three starts and Mr. T proves me right by beating the snot out of Piper - even punches him out of the ring like Clubber Lang should have done to Rocky. Piper throws his stool at Mr. T to start round 4 and after getting punched in the face too many times, hits the ref and then bodyslams Mr. T to officially launch the first MMA fight.
Winner = Mr. T via disqualification
6/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 17

They announce Mr. T as the winner and the crowd boos.
Fuck you, crowd.
Pretty sure this makes Mr. T the first UFC champion in history.

INTERMISSION

Shill for WrestleMania II merch. The t-shirt is actually cheaper this year - but no poster this time. Music is lame and does not inspire me to purchase goodies.

Vince sends us to Gorilla and 'Mean' Gene in Chicago. They have to share one microphone between them and take turns holding it - gotta love those budget cuts, right guys? Cathy Lee Crosby looks like she just came from Battlestar Galactica.

WWF Women's Championship
Velvet McIntyre vs The Fabulous Moolah (c)
This time the graphic says "Ladies Championship" but the announcer says "Women's championship". One day the WWF will figure out what they want to call this division. Velvet is not wearing shoes and almost falls out of her top when she misses a move, which means Moolah wins?
Winner = The Fabulous Moolah via pinfall following Velvet McIntyre missing a cross body block
2/10

Cathy refuses to mess up her hair by wearing the broadcast headset.

Flag Match
Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff (w/'Classy' Freddie Blassie)
Someone show Blassie a documentary about Charlie Chaplin so he can understand what happens to commie sympathisers in Hollywood...
Kirchner gets Blassie's walking cane and hits Volkoff to get the pin.
Winner = Corporal Kirchner via pinfall following international object
That means he gets to take home the Russian flag... but then forgets to take it - which Gorilla covers for by saying he doesn't want it.
Yawn.
2/10

20-Man Battle Royal - WWF vs NFL
Guest Timekeeper: Clara Peller (the "Where's the beef?" old lady)
Guest referee: Dick Butkus. What a funny name!

Lots of American football players. Lots. Shame I care nothing about American football.
But there is Bret Hart. BRET HART! How dare you boo the Hitman, Chicago! Bunch of savages...
And there is Bruno Sammartino! Why in the blue hell is Bruno here and not at the New York show? Good to know Vince McMahon was a complete dick back then as well.
Andre is just HUGE compared to everyone else in this match. Expect maybe Dan Spivey - he looks even bigger than Big John Studd. Perhaps Andre and Spivey should have done another slam challenge match instead? Bruno is looking short and slow... but then he beats up Studd like his is still a spritely 40 year-old man before being eliminated. Bruno and Bret should have just cleared the ring and had a 20 minute match refereed by Jet Li so the world could implode from the awesome. So much awesome.
Eventually it comes down to Andre the Giant against The Hart Foundation. As awesome as The Hart Foundation are, it is getting close to time for Andre's 3rd dinner so he throws them out and heads backstage to eat a bear.
5/10

Bret probably felt sorry for him and let him win...

Back to Vince and Susan
With 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, who claims that Mr. T cheated by attacking him with his mohawk. Liar! Then he claims he was out-boxing Mr. T - double liar! Surprisingly, no "uh-oh"s from Susan.
8/10

Back to Chicago
'Mean' Gene is with some NFL guy - he is crying about someone cheating. Fuck off, you jock-douchebag. Here comes The Iron Sheik to talk jibberish and remind us that Iran and Russia are both number one because Highlander came out a month ago and Freddie Blassie is obviously ashamed to take this guy to the movies.
1/10

Chicago Main Event
WWF Tag Team Championship
The British Bulldogs (w/Capt. Lou Albano & Ozzy Osbourne) vs The Dream Team (c) (w/Johnny Valiant)
Ozzy Osbourne looks EXACTLY like Nigel Tufnel from Spinal Tap:

Gorilla and Gene discuss where Lord Alfred Hayes comes from in England because that relates to everything in this match.
Brutus Beefcake is still the man and totally wasted in this spot - he should be main eventing every show with that jacket of his.

Holy shit the Bulldogs are all kinds of awesome! This makes me want to watch some of their matches against The Hart Foundation.
Greg Valentine's head collides with The Dynamite Kid's head and is out.
Winners = The British Bulldogs via pinfall following head collision
New champions!
8/10

Ozzy holds up the belt and celebrates with Capt. Lou like Spinal Tap just won the titles themselves, while the Bulldogs are selling death outside the ring. Hilarious.

Back to Vince and Susan in New York
Vince tries hard to play up the challenge Hulk Hogan faces tonight. Susan just goes 'Yay Hulk!'
2/10

INTERMISSION AGAIN
Buy this t-shirt, dammit!

Now to Los Angeles with Jesse Ventura, our hero from last year Lord Alfred Hayes, and Elvira!
This is the best commentary team by a mile. And Jesse is still the best dressed man in the WWF.

Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Hercules Hernandez
Elvira calls Steamboat a wimp - I guess Jesse has found a kindred spirit.
I zoned out and Steamboat won.
I may need some Pepsi.
Where's my sponsorship, yo?
Winner = Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat via pinfall following top rope cross body block
3/10

We cut to Jesse and he questions the director about the cue.
Then the Hulk Hogan/Lord Alfred Hayes video gets all kind of screwed up.
Live TV is a bitch, huh?
7/10 for the hilarity
 
Uncle Elmer vs 'Adorable' Adrian Adonis (w/Jimmy Hart)
Adonis' boobs are almost bigger than Elvira's, who says she does not trust a man with pink leg-warmers.
Winner = 'Adorable' Adrian Adonis via pinfall following top rope headbutt
2/10

WWF play LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN
Pre-recorded promo featuring Hulk Hogan and Lord Alfred Hayes. His Lordship talks shit to Hulk about his injuries, so Hulk tells him who the champ is.
7/10

Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog vs Terry & Hoss Funk (w/Jimmy Hart)
Elvira gets excited at the thought that someone might have a wardrobe malfunction. She also has a thing for Tito, which upsets Jesse.
Match swings from old school match to wild brawl before Terry Funk hits JYD with the Jimmy Hart's megaphone for the pin.
Winners = Terry & Hoss Funk via pinfall following assault with a megaphone
4/10

The chants of "Bullshit!" have now returned. He must be a popular wrestler in the WWF...

Time to build the cage. Jesse and Elvira kill time by making inappropriate jokes about dungeons in her home.

Recap of the Hulk Hogan/King Kong Bundy feud
Bundy attacked Hogan from behind and then gave him a million splashes, damaging Hogan's ribs and lower back. Hogan's doctor has told him not to go through with the match but Hulk has to defend his belt for all the Hulkamaniacs.
8/10

Backstage
Jesse with King Kong Bundy and Bobby Heenan. Bundy says he is sending Hogan to the hospital and will be the new champion - "Hulk Hogan doesn't have to like it!"
Why would he like you beating him up and taking his title?
Bobby Heenan is so awesome Jesse starts smiling.
8/10

Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Hulk Hogan (c) vs King Kong Bundy (w/Bobby Heenan)
Guest Ring Announcer: Tommy Lasorda (WHO???)
Guest Timekeeper: Ricky Schroder
Guest Referee: Robert Conrad

Wow. Talk about a downgrade from the previous year. When Ricky Schroder is your biggest star, you know you got problems.

Hulk comes out to Real American and shakes the cage. That song would pump me up, too. Oh wait - it does! In fact, I think this was the only real song used all night.
Lord Alfred Hayes talks about Hulk having a great strategy while he gets choked out by Bundy - seems like a sound strategy, for sure!
Hogan goes for a body slam but Bundy is too fat. Being too fat is an underrated skill in pro-wrestling.
Bundy is bleeding which makes Elvira hungry.
Hogan 'hulks up' and slams Bundy! Then hits the mighty leg drop of doom and climbs out of the cage like a boss.
Winner = Hulk Hogan
5/10

Hulk then chases Heenan into the cage and beats him up for good measure. Because all good heroes should beat up smaller and weaker men.

Elvira tells Jesse if he can beat up Hulk she will go out with him. What a gold digger.

Back to Vince just so he can have the last word.
Fuck you and your ego, Vince.

Shill for the merch again to take us out...


Fuck this show.


WrestleMania II: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The British Bulldogs vs The Dream Team
   Not. Even. Close.
2. Worst Match
   Probably Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff
   But boy this was close.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mr. T cutting a promo on 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. That was pure gold.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Every time the show went back to New York for pointless comments by Vince McMahon & Susan Saint James.
5. Star of the Show
   Hulk Hogan. His backstage segments were awesome. Honourable mention to Mr. T for being Mr. T. Bret Hart was too busy letting Andre win the battle royal to steal the show.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mr. T. Not even a competition this time.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I feel like Ozzy Osbourne achieved nothing except to try and take the tag team titles back to Spinal Tap. And no, I'm not giving up on that joke.
   The others can barely be called celebrities or had even less involvement than Ozzy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was avocado, spinach, kale, cucumber, tomato, capsicum, red onion and alfalfa sprouts with vegetarian meatballs in a tomato and garlic sauce, topped with mustard. Delicious - will certainly be rocking that again. The Oatmeal Creme Pie is already feeling like I'm eating plastic, though I had one for each main event tonight so that could be why. I tried to stick with 7-Up to avoid caffeine but had to reach for a small hit of Pepsi Max when we hit the LA portion of the show.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Some serious stains hitting the shirt from the sauce and avocado.
10. Overall Score
    Not fun. Maybe I was just tired, but this show felt like a year-long collection of bad and boring matches. The constant ego stroking from Vince McMahon was annoying, Susan Saint James was 20 kinds of a awful, and the D-list celebrities just make everything seem worse. The production errors were kind of entertaining, though. And the promos/interviews were mostly awesome.
    4 out of 10
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day One: WrestleMania

31 March 1985
Madison Square Garden
New York City, New York - USA
Attendance: 19,121

Commentators: Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have actually only seen this event once before - and that first viewing was only about 4 years ago. Bizarre to think that someone so obsessed with pro-wrestling at various points in their life would have not seen the first WrestleMania until then. But it is what it is. I enjoyed it when I watched it, which was also a highly edited version - the edits annoyed me to no end. Hopefully this is just as enjoyable the second time around.

Opening Video Package
And I have already spilled some veges on my t-shirt...

Tiny montage the likes someone could make in MS Paint. I made something similar when I wanted a great Miami Vice desktop wallpaper and couldn't find anything out there that interested me. The background music for this is awesome. I didn't make anything like this for my Miami Vice desktop wallpaper, mainly because the music in Miami Vice was awesome. This theme would have fit in nicely on Miami Vice.

I could totally go for some Miami Vice after this.
What? I have to watch 30 more WrestleManias? Pretty sure the Miami Vice vibe would have passed by then - I won't bother getting my DVDs out of storage, then.
5/10

National Anthem Time
To get us under way, here is 'Mean' Gene Okerlund to sing the American national anthem. Accapella. And it is quite obvious he does not have perfect pitch. Or good timing. Unless he is actually trying to sing this as fast as possible to get it over and done with. I applaud your decision, Gene!
Jesse Ventura just compared him to Robert Goulet. I don't remember Gene Okerlund guesting on The Simpsons and Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place...
4/10

Lord Alfred Hayes looks petrified as he opens "Wrestling Mania".

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks to Tito Santana who says he is going to win. This is followed by The Executioner who is awful and stumbles on all his lines. Apparently he wants to make it clear to Tito that he is a "big leaguer"
3/10

Opening Match

Tito Santana vs The Executioner
The Executioner is from Parts Unknown. His weight is unknown. His height is unknown. How the hell did this guy get a wrestling license if no one knows anything about him?
Jesse Ventura just compared WrestleMania to Woodstock. Sure, I guess - Woodstock was all about peace and love, while WrestleMania is all about beating each other up. Totally the same. And where are all the naked hippies?
The crowd is super excited here. Like, really excited. It is fun.
Winner = Tito Santana via figure 4 leglock
Simple fun match.
6/10

You know that video of that little fat kid on camera who just looks like he is super happy but crapping his pants at the same time? Well, imagine that with an old guy and you have Lord Alfred Hayes as he hangs out around the entrance to the arena.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Special Delivery (S.D.) Jones. Funky black dudes always win the promo wars. Then King Kong Bundy comes in and yells a lot about squashing him
7/10

SD Jones vs King Kong Bundy (w/Jimmy Hart)
Bundy is billed at 458 pounds but the announcers aren't buying it - they think he's closer to 500!
I think maybe 200 instead, but I'm not exactly an expert.
Bundy won with a splash before I could even think of that joke. That's why it is so unfunny.
Winner = King Kong Bundy via pinfall following big splash
3/10

Now Gorilla thinks Bundy weighs over 500 pounds. Bundy must have consumed SD Jones' soul when he beat him. Or perhaps the 'Special Delivery' means he brought pizza for everyone. Except Bundy ate them all. Selfish jerk

Lord Alfred Hayes returns to give himself a heart attack.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Matt Borne who can't stop pointing. Must be his gimmick. Ricky Steamboat then comes out and cuts a promo featuring the first 'brother' of the night.
4/10

Ricky Steamboat vs Matt Borne
Glorified squash match. Minus the glory.
Winner = Ricky Steamboat via pinfall following cross body block off the top rope
5/10

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes. I just realised he is holding a WrestleMania programme and is shaking like a washing machine on extra spin.
Brutus Beefcake just walked past and yelled at him for being in his way. Brutus Beefcake is awesome.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with David Sammartino and his father, Bruno Sammartino. Bruno is fucking awesome even in a faded mustard jacket that Vince McMahon obviously made him wear "Here, Bruno I'm not appearing on the show tonight so I wouldn't want wrestling fans to think our broadcasters have any sense of style."
'Luscious' Johnny Valiant talks for Brutus which is stupid because Brutus is awesome. Gene tells them all to shut up and leave.
3/10

David Sammartino (w/Bruno Sammartino) vs Brutus Beefcake (w/Luscious Johnny Valiant)
Beefcake and Valiant have changed outfits since their interview. So has Bruno. In fact, Bruno is wearing such an old man jumper that it looks like he just came from reading the newspaper in Central Park after losing a game of chess to a wise old Chinese man. Bruno wouldn't take that crap and bodyslammed the old Chinese dude into a retirement home, hence the relaxing with a newspaper before heading to WrestleMania and winding down by beating up some bad guys.

David Sammartino is wider than a really wide thing. His shortness only helps to accentuate it.
Beefcake is on all fours and Jesse mentions the crowd are getting a good view...
Bad guys cheat and Bruno doesn't stand for that so he beats them up, which leads to the match being thrown out.
OK back and forth match, but really just an excuse to get Bruno on the show.
As well he should be.
Double disqualification
5/10

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes and Jimmy Hart just laughs at him. I do too.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks to Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine and Jimmy Hart. They say nothing and leave. Junkyard Dog comes in and says nothing. Well, nothing I can understand - except he wants a bone...
1/10

WWF Inter-Continental Heavyweight Championship
Junkyard Dog vs Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine (c) (w/Jimmy Hart)

JYD comes out to Another One Bites the Dust so he is immediately the best person in the match. Then he wrestles and undoes all the goodwill that song gave him.
Gorilla confuses a punch for a headbutt. They are very similar; sometimes, I like to wear hats on my fists just to confuse people. Then when they talk to my hand, they think I am a ventriloquist when I talk back. Great times. Unlike this match, which is shit.
I just noticed the referee is wearing his pants up to his armpits - what a nerd.
And I think Jesse just said something about victory smelling like dog food...
Winner = Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine via cheating pinfall with feet on the ropes
1/10

Tito Santana comes to tell the ref he sucks. The ref agrees and orders the match to continue, so Valentine just refuses to get in the ring and is counted out.
Winner = Junkyard Dog via countout
Which doesn't mean shit because the belt doesn't change hands on a countout.
Fuck you.
-2/10

I can't tell if the crowd is chanting "Tito" or "Cheater"
Either chant is just as lame as the other.

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes with a great line: "Both these teams have pointed opinions. Let's us hear some more about these opinions they had to express"

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with the The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and 'Classy' Freddie Blassie. The Iron Sheik's moustache is fantastic! His promo skills are not.
In comes Captain Lou Albano with Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham. The fish hooks hanging from Albano's face distract from everything.
2/10

WWF Tag-Team Championship
Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo (c) (w/Capt. Lou Albano) vs The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff (w/'Classy' Freddie Blassie)
Blassie is from Hollywood, so why is he hanging out with a bunch of commies? Doesn't he know that is the stuff that gets you banned from Hollywood?
The Iron Sheik says Iran is #1. And Russia is #1. His math is shit.
The good guys come out to Born in the USA - hilarious how much the lyrics don't actually fit with the theme of this match...
Sheik hits Windham from behind with a candy cane or something, which leads to Volkoff getting the pin
Winners = The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff via assault with international object
New champions!
5/10

The Iron Sheik grabs a mic and reiterates his lack of understanding of how rankings work. The crowd boos because they have all been to next year and have seen Highlander, so they know there can be only one. Then they go forward another 6 years and see Highlander II: The Quickening, so they have even more to boo about.

Backstage
Straight to 'Mean' Gene - have they quit on Lord Alfred Hayes already?
He questions the bad guys but then decides its back to ringside when they start answering.
1/10

Gorilla is mad about the title change.
I'm mad because it is back to Lord Alfred Hayes and his inability to not fuck up his lines:
"John Studd says I am the only true champion giant and the Andre the Giant says I am the giant!"

And yes, he really did say "the Andre the Giant".

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Big John Studd and Bobby Heenan showing off a bag of money. Remember when $15,000 was a lot of money? Still a lot of money to me. That's because I am poor.
7/10

Shill for WrestleMania merch. $8 for a Mr. T & Hulk Hogan poster? Send me three!
I don't need the t-shirt though because I printed my own.
I told you I am poor.
5/10 for the funky background music.

INTERMISSION

$15,000 Slam Match
Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd (w/Bobby Heenan)
If Andre wins, he gets a bag of money. If Andre can't slam Studd, Andre has to retire.
I'm all for matches like this where you have two huge dudes facing off. Except when in the ring with the Giant, Studd looks like me standing next to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently Andre wears a size 23 shoe. Then it changes to a size 24. Last time I checked my shoes were a 44 so my dick must be twice as big as Andre's.
My math is better than The Iron Sheik's.
Studd tries to slam Andre but fails. Silly Studd doesn't realise this isn't WrestleMania III and he isn't Hulk Hogan. Andre slams Studd and wins the money, throwing it into the crowd. So Bobby Heenan sneaks in and steals the money back before running to the back with Studd.
Winner = Andre the Giant via bodyslam
Good fun!
6/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Andre - once again they cut back when he starts talking. Why bother with these segments if you don't want to hear the answers?
1/10

Lord Alfred Hayes continues his bumbling. The Fabulous Moolah kisses him on the cheek and he freaks out at a woman being near him.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper - Lauper just talks all sorts of trash because she is cool. Moolah and Leilani Kai say they will win but Gene asks them not to cheat.
Silly Gene...
6/10

WWF Women's Championship
Wendi Richter (w/Cyndi Lauper) vs Leilani Kai (c) (w/ The Fabulous Moolah)
The Fink says "Ladies championship" but the graphics say "Women's championship". Good to know WWF didn't know what they were doing 30 years ago.
Richter & Lauper come out to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
25 year-old Logman would totally party with 1985 Cyndi Lauper - she is awesome.

Wow - she is actually 31 here! I'm not sure if she is 31 year-old Logman's type...
Compared to everything else on this show so far, this match is like Bret Hart vs Sting. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this will be the best women's match I see in all 31 WrestleManias.
Winner = Windi Richter via reversal of crossbody block by Kai into a pin
New champion! And the crowd is going bananas!
7/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Wendi and Cyndi. They are partying and very happy - Gene doesn't know what to do.
4/10

MAIN EVENT
Hulk Hogan & Mr. T (w/'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka) vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper & 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff (w/'Cowboy' Bob Orton)
Guest Ring Announcer: Billy Martin. Apparently, he means something. Bring back Cyndi!
Guest Time Keeper: Liberace. He comes out with The Rockettes - they do the 'can can' to New York, New York. He has dressed pretty tame for Liberace.
Guest Referee: Muhammad Ali. Except you can't hear the announcement over the fans chanting "Ali! Ali". Because it is freekin' Muhammad Ali!

A full Scottish pipeband lead out the bad guys.
Eye of the Tiger brings out the Hulkster and Mr. T!

According to Gorilla, Mr. T has been living off tuna and water for the past 3 weeks in preparation for this match. So he will probably run out of energy as soon as he actually does anything.

Lots of brawling. Mr. T beats up some people and the crowd goes nuts. Hogan beats up some people and the crowd goes nuts. Piper and Orndorff cheat a lot against Hogan and the crowd boos. After getting a serious beatdown, Hogan finally tags in Mr. T who only stays in the ring for about a minute before tagging back in Hogan - I guess 30 seconds is plenty of time to recover from a beatdown, because now he is unstoppable! Which leads to more cheating and more brawling.
Piper and Orndorff double-team Hogan, so Mr. T runs in and takes out Piper. Then Orton tries to interfere but it backfires and he takes out Orndorff instead which gets Hogan the pin.
This was MAYHEM!
Winners = Hulk Hogan & Mr. T via pinfall following Orton hitting Orndorff
8/10

The bad guys run away but leave Orndorff behind. The good guys celebrate.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks with the good guys backstage. Mr. T cuts a Mr. T promo on the bad guys. Hogan does Hogan. Snuka makes no sense. He should stick to getting away with murder - he is much better at that.
7/10

Holy shit - Jesse Ventura is wearing the greatest outfit on the planet!

Cue ending music - Axel F. Just so you are reminded this is 1985 and life is good.
What? It's 2015 and life is not good?
Fuck you, I have 30 more WrestleManias to watch. My life is awesome.


WrestleMania: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper & 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff
   Other than the women's match, it wasn't even close
2. Worst Match
   Junkyard Dog vs Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine
   It had competition, but that was garbage.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Hulk Hogan and Mr. T celebrating. It's Hulk Hogan. And Mr. T!
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Probably the JYD/Valentine match. And every segment featuring Lord Alfred Hayes
5. Star of the Show
   Hulk Hogan, because he got the pin in the main event. Mr. T was pretty close behind, though. The "T" chants were huge.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mr. T. Duh - did you expect me to mention anyone else?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Librace. Only because I don't class Billy Martin as any sort of celebrity.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was spinach, kale, cucumber, tomato, capsicum, red onion and alfalfa sprouts with basil pesto.Very simple and clean but could probably have used some type of dressing, like maybe honey mustard. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was just right to finish it off and didn't kill me. Pepsi Max helped quench my thirst and keep me awake.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Still good - only gained a couple of small stains.
10. Overall Score
    Good fun show - is a great example of how fun pro-wrestling was in 1985. Plus Mr. T beats up some dudes. Not as awesomely as he does in The A-Team, but it is still Mr. T beating up dudes. A few celebrities, and average meal and some laughs at the complete awkward that is Lord Alfred Hayes make for an enjoyable show.
    6 out of 10