WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty: WrestleMania XX

14 March 2004
Madison Square Garden
New York City, New York - USA

Attendance: 18,000

Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole & Tazz

My thoughts before this viewing:
I first saw this show in 2007, just because I kinda figured why not? I hadn't watched any pro-wrestling in years but was starting to watch some old WCW, and it was probably just before Chris Benoit decided to change his legacy. I remember good things about this. Let's see how it holds up in the re-up...

America the Beautiful
Haven't seen one of these for a while. Tonight we have the Boys Choir of Harlem. Understandably, this makes the song very gospel-like. Which is a good thing.
9/10

Opening Video Package
Vince McMahon is a genius. The wrestlers are dreamers.
9/10

It ends with Vince, Shane and Shane's infant child. Man, if only they'd given the company to Shane...


Opening Match
US Championship
John Cena vs Big Show (c)

John Cena raps for about 10 minutes about penis jokes and Big Show being an animal. He is a terrible rapper. And he can't beat Big Show so cheats. What a hero!
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following heroic cheating
New Champion!
5/10

Michael Cole says John Cena just did the impossible. Really? EVERYONE beats Big Show. In fact, he hasn't won a match at WrestleMania yet.

Backstage
Coach is proving he is the whitest black guy on the planet by sounding fake and silly when he tries to talk street. Eric Bischoff is here and tells Coach to find the Undertaker.
2/10

Backstage
Evolution look sharp. They let Randy Orton do all their talking for about an hour. That is not so sharp.
-1/10

Fatal 4 Way
World Tag Team Champions
Dudley Boyz vs Cade & Jindrak vs La Resistance vs Booker T & Rob Van Dam (C)

You know how I love tag team matches? This was boring.
Winners = Booker T & Rob Van Dam via pinfall following frog splash
3/10

Backstage
Coach is looking for Undertaker. He instead encounters 'Mean' Gene Okerlund and Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan who are getting it on with Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah. Old people sex!
-1/10

Video Package
Chris Jericho and Christian had a bet over who could sleep with Trish Stratus. This is actually the most sappy and pathetic video I have ever seen - and I've watched Switched at Birth. At least I know why they are going to fight, I guess.
1/10

Chris Jericho vs Christian
Christian still has his dumb theme music. Chris Jericho gets the crowd going with a "You fucked up!" chant - I'm sure that's what he wanted to hear at the biggest show of the year. Trish comes down and Jerry Lawler turns his pervert setting to high. She accidentally hits Jericho.
Winner = Christian via pinfall following Trish hitting Jericho
7/10

Trish beats up Jericho. Oh, so it wasn't really an accident. Swervy swerve swerve...
Christian beats up Jericho some more and makes out with Trish. Drrrrrraaaaaaaaaammma!

Backstage
Lillian Garcia talks to Mick Foley. The Rock comes in and steals the microphone and the show.
9/10

3-on-2 Handicap Match
The Rock & Sock Connection vs Evolution
Remember when Mick Foley retired? Me neither...
The Rock has more charisma and personality than the other 4 men in this match combined.
Winners = Evolution via pinfall following stuff
6/10

Hall of Fame ceremony highlights.

'Mean' Gene introduces the class of 2004. There are a lot of old guys. Greg Valentine looks like he would fit in with Urge Overkill.

Playboy Evening Gown Match
Sable & Torrie vs Stacy Keibler & Miss Jackie
I've seen Ronda Rousey fight. This was not like a Ronda Rousey fight. I wish it had been quicker than a Ronda Rousey fight.
Winners = Sable & Torrie via stripping
-3/10

Earlier today
A lot of pimply British & European young men travelled all the way here to see WrestleMania. Enjoy having your terrible looking faces immortilsed by WrestleMania. Though you are kinda lucky it is this show and WWE have buried it with Chris Benoit's body...

Backstage
Speaking of the man who never existed...
Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit decide to make the worst promo ever. But then they turn it around and it somehow becomes magical and awesome. Much like how Benoit was once awesome and then became an insane murderer.
8/10

WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Cruiserweight Championship Open

Ultimo Dragon is here!!! And he tripped on his cape on his way to the ring.

Oops.
This year Rey Mysterio is dressed as The Flash.

At least he is going with DC. Billy Kidman decided he has way more experience than Brock Lesnar at botching the shooting star press so tries to show him how it's done. Of course, Rey Mysterio is the last man standing so he faces Chavo Guerrero for the title. But even dressing as a super fast superhero can't protect you from Chavo's cheating skills.
Winner = Chavo Guerrero via Guerrero tradition
7/10

That match should have been way longer. I'm pretty sure it got less time than the stripper match!

Video Package
Brock Lesnar cost Goldbert the Royal Rumble, so Goldberg cost Lesnar the WWE Championship. Needless to say, they do not like each other very much.
7/10

Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar
Guest Referee: 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Here are the various chants that roared throughout Madison Square Garden during this match:
"You sold out!"
"Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!"
"Austin!!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"Booorring!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"This match sucks!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"We want Bret!!!"
"Booorrring!"
"Goldberg sucks!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"Hogan!"
"This match sucks!!!"
"We want puppies!"
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
I think that went well.
Winner = Goldberg via atrocity
-1/10

Brock Lesnar gets one more loud "You sold out!" chant followed by the "Na na nah hey hey goodbye" song again. So Steve Austin gives him a stunner to give the crowd something to cheer about for the first time since the match started. Then he gives Goldberg a stunner, too, because why not?

Vince comes out to say "thank you". You better thank me, asshole - this has been a long 20 days so far...

Fatal 4 Way
WWE Tag Team Championship
The APA vs The World's Greatest Tag Team vs The Basham Brothers vs Scotty Too Hotty & Rikishi (C)
Yes, they are in fact doing the exact same type of match for the other tag team titles. How original!
Thankfully, Jim Ross is not on commentary so we don't have to hear RAHkishi every 5 minutes. He still has a real fat ass.
Winners = Scotty Too Hotty & Rikishi via Rikishi's fat ass
4/10

There's a quick video to hype the return of Edge. People are supposed to care?

Jesse Ventura is back! But only to introduce Alan Partridge Donald Trump. He mocks Trump's hair.

There is a barber on the stage but it is not Brutus Beefcake. What a missed opportunity!

WWE Women's Championship
Victoria (c) vs Molly
Victoria still comes out to Tatu. That is awesome. The commentators spend most of the match talking about women's panties. That is not awesome.
Winner = Victoria
4/10

Because she lost, Molly now has to have her head shaved. Again, where is Brutus Beefcake when you need him...

Michael Cole insults Eurythmics. It's like the guy wants me to hate him.

Video Package
Kurt Angle is concerned Eddie Guerrero will bring shame and dishonour to the world of pro-wrestling. Oh the irony. After this, Kurt Angle would go on to get arrested for DUI twice and also for stalking a woman. The worst Eddie Guerrero did was... die?
8/10

WWE Championship
Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Kurt Angle
This match has one of the greatest endings ever; Angle gets an ankle-lock and Eddie manages to escape, but rolls around the mat as his ankle is now in terrible pain - even unlacing his boot to relieve some pressure. Sensing he has him finished, Angle sinks in another ankle-lock but Eddie slips out of his boot and gets a sneaky rollup, even hooking the ropes for added trickery.
Winner = Eddie Guerrero via all sorts of hilarious dishonesty
10/10

Video Package
Kane didn't approve of the Undertaker being an out of shape biker that listened to Limp Bizkit.
5/10

Undertaker vs Kane
Kane has now lost his shirt - AND his mask! Remember how he was badly hurt in a fire? He is also now bald. Maybe the long hair and the scars were also part of a stipulation when he lost the mask...
Winner = Undertaker via usual stuff
4/10

Video Package
Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble but Shawn Michaels can't handle not being the centre of attention, so this was made a triple threat match instead. Dick. Kill him and leave a bible next to his lifeless corpse Punch him in the face, Benoit!
8/10

World Heavyweight Championship
Chris Benoit vs Shawn Michaels vs Triple H (c)
Jim Ross would dearly like us to believe the crowd are behind Shawn Michaels. I'd almost believe it, if the crowd weren't booing him and chanting "You screwed Bret!". I guess those deafening "Let's go, Benoit!" chants are also meant for Shawn Michaels?
Winner = Chris Benoit via submission making big nose tap
New Champion!
10/10

I always thought Benoit's wife and son joined him at the end and he killed them and left bibles next to their lifeless bodies celebrated with him. Oh well, shows how good my memory is. Instead, Eddie Guerrero joins his best friend in the ring because they are now both champions! They celebrate together as Our Lady Peace plays to send us out.

WrestleMania XX: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle
   Very close between this and the main event but I just found the psychology in this was insane. In an amazing way. That ending makes me smile.
2. Worst Match
   Playboy Evening Gown Match
   Honestly, they should have scrapped that and just done a triple threat between Ultimo Dragon, Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight title.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero standing at the end as confetti covered the arena, holding their arms high as the WWE and World Heavyweight Champions. Obviously it is sad how their lives ended, but this was a special moment.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   I don't care about old people having sex.
5. Star of the Show
   The Rock. Because even in a small midcard match that didn't mean anything, he was still super awesome. And I thank him for that.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Does Jesse Ventura count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I don't know... Pete Rose.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was back to the falafel wrap, willed with spinach, cucumber, red onion, capsicum and tomato, then topped with garlic & yoghurt and sweet chilli sauce. Such a great meal. Still living off Pepsi Next - hopefully some sleep tomorrow will mean I can lay off the caffeine for a day or two. Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   About the same, which is code for disgusting.
10. Overall Score
    Awesome show. Sure, there is some awfulness in there with the ladies stripping and Randy Orton cutting one of the worst promos I have ever seen & heard. And then there was the Lesnar/Goldberg match, though as terrible as it is, it is extremely memorable for how the crowd just destroy it. Loved it! Benoit and Guerrero showed why they had been so loved by fans for years and this was their night. And Kurt Angle is a machine - he certainly deserves respect. And almost no McMahons! And while events in the 3 years proceeding this show may have changed how this show is viewed, there are still some real feelgood moments to be had. So when you combine awesomeness with botchamania, what do you get? Botchawesomania.
    7.5 out of 10
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Nine: WrestleMania IX

4 April 1993
Caesar's Palace
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA

Attendance: 16,891

Commentators: Jim Ross, Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan & 'Macho Man' Randy Savage

My thoughts before this viewing:
I think I saw this show for the first time around the same time I saw VII and VIII. But this one had a bit more context for me as I had just watched the preceding Royal Rumble (that was why I decided to watch this show). There is only one match I can actually remember, and that is the main event. No wait - The Undertaker's match as well. But that's it. I can barely remember who is even on the card. The general consensus on the internet is that this is the worst WrestleMania of all time - and I disagree. I am 95% positive that there will be at least one show worse than this. But will this be the worst so far? Let's find out...

Opening Video Package
It's that same rockin' guitar and Vince is yelling. Wrestlers are projected onto the side of Caesar's Palace Casino. I guess at least the computer effects are getting a bit better?
2/10

Opening Ceremony
Instead of a national anthem or even America the Beautiful, we are treated to an extravagant opening ceremony... where Jim Ross shows off his toga:

Hangs out with some Centurions:

Gives us some history lessons on Cleopatra and Julius Caesar:

 

 

And raves about Elephants. I can't blame him on that last point - elephants are awesome.

'Macho Man' Randy Savage is brought out with a group of "virgins"

And he somehow manages to pull that 'Macho Man' look, while blending it well with ancient Roman fashion:

Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan is brought out on a camel. Backwards. Comedy!

Ladies & Gentlemen, your commentary team for tonight!

Even The Fink is getting in on the theme!

Opening Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Tatanka vs Shawn Michaels (c) (w/Luna Vachon)
Shawn Michaels uses the belt as a mirror. Which makes no sense, because the belt has so many indents and engravings it wouldn't give him an accurate picture of how his hair actually looks. Amateur.

Sherri is here as well but no one is sure why. Heenan and Savage are already arguing to the point of fisticuffs - this is going to be a long night. Jim Ross questions "the healing powers" of Shawn Michaels - who is he supposed to be, Jesus?
The referee calls for the bell but it never rings. Tatanka goes for a pin but the referee actually has to pull him up and calls for the bell another 10 times.
Winner = Tatanka via countout
How do you win by countout when your opponent is actually in the ring? I'm guessing they meant disqualification, but someone screwed up. Really screwed up.
7/10

Luna beats up Sherri, so I guess that went somewhere?

Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is with The Steiner Brothers! They are going to wrestle! Good thing they came to an event called WrestleMania, then.
6/10

The Steiner Brothers vs The Headshrinkers (w/Afa)
The Steiner's theme is a complete joke. And this is coming from someone totally familiar with their WCW theme - Steinerline. Macho Man promises this match will be awesome. Careful with those promises, Macho...
The Headshrinkers almost KILL Scott Steiner with a botched spot. Holy shit, I thought he was dead - one of the scariest spots I've seen in WrestleMania history.

How is it wrestlers never remember that Islanders and black dudes have super hard heads that can't be hurt? I would have thought that was like WWF 101.
Winner = The Steiner Brothers via pinfall following frankensteiner
I'm surprised no one got hur.
7/10

Call the hotline! So you can hear the same garbage promos without seeing the funny expressions.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Doink the Clown. Gene is bitching Doink out for doing clown things, like pies in faces and what not. Recap of Doink beating Crush with a fake arm. That was funny. Clowns are fun. Why is he the bad guy? No wonder they call you 'Mean' Gene...
6/10

Crush vs Doink the Clown
One look at Crush's glorious mullet and I immediately regret not adding a category for best mullet.

 

It just hit me there are thousands of kids in the audience - how on Earth did they get into a casino?
Doink hits Crush with a piledriver and straight up drops him on his head.

Three matches in and two dudes have almost died.
A second clown arrives and beats Crush with a fake arm.

Winner = Doink the Clown via pinfall following beating with international object
3/10

Heenan claims the second clown was just an illusion because Macho Man is wearing sunglasses that have "Macho" written across them and he couldn't possibly see properly. He has a point...

In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some Japanese photographers who don't care about the Doinks - they just want to laugh at Todd. I know the feeling.
1/10

Bob Backlund vs Razor Ramon
Oh, now I get why people dislike this show...
Winner = Razor Ramon via pinfall following roll-up
1/10
For a guy whose moniker is "the bad guy", people sure cheer for him a lot.

Bobby Heenan hopes this is the first and last WrestleMania for Bob Backlund. Alas he is wrong.

Promo for a new pay-per view show - King of the Ring.
Spoiler alert: Bret Hart wins. Because he is the best!

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Money Inc. Gene says they are screwed and they show footage of Money Inc. trying to smash in Brutus Beefcake's face with a briefcase. Apparently Dibiase already paid some dudes to give Hulk Hogan a beat down last night - why not show us footage? Why should we miss out on the fun?
5/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
The Mega Maniacs (w/Jimmy Hart) vs Money Inc (c)

Dibiase seems to be wearing his pyjamas. Beefcake's protective mask makes him look like a luchador - which just makes him even cooler.

Hulk has a seriously bashed in eye. It doesn't look like he can even see out of that thing.

Money Inc. decide to just walk on the match - why not? It worked out great for them last year. Except this time the referee decides to change the rules and announces if they don't come back, they will lose the titles. I guess anything goes when you are fighting Hulk Hogan. Money Inc. get knocked down, but so does the referee, so Jimmy Hart pretends he is a referee and counts three to give the Mega Maniacs the win!

Then a real referee comes down and disqualifies them.
Winners = Money Inc.
Weird that another referee would care about that part but not all the cheating the bad guys were doing.
7/10

Hulk isn't phased; he and Brutus pose for the crowd while Real American plays us out.

Wait - it is just the middle of the show! This feels really weird not having Hulk Hogan on last. Hulk and Brutus find Money Inc.'s briefcase of money and give the cash out to the crowd.

I bet Brutus could really use that money nowadays...

Sorry, Brutus.

In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill is with Natalie Cole. Why on Earth didn't you idiots get her to sing instead of that opening ceremony?

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Mr. Perfect. He calls 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger "The Lexissist, Lark..." and just decides 'Boy I fucked that up - I'm going to the ring now.'
6/10

They are making a really big deal about Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at the WrestleMania brunch. I don't know, that's not how I would build up your world champion before a main event...

Mr. Perect vs 'The Lexissist' 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger
Luger has an elaborate entrance. Mainly scantily clad women.

Between them and the gambling, I'm quite ready to rate this show less kid-friendly than it is in 2015.
Luger went for a pin with his feet on the ropes - and the referee actually caught it! Hogan wrestling in the middle of the show, dude's caught cheating - what weird parallel universe have I stumbled upon?
Luger goes for another pin and this time Mr. Perfect's feet are in the ropes... and the referee misses it?
Winner = 'The Lexissist' 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger
4/10

Luger then knocks out Mr. Perfect. Just because.

Mr. Perfect quickly recovers and goes after Lark the Lexissist, attacking him in the garage. Shawn Michaels then decides he isn't getting enough attention and beats up on Mr. Perfect.

All this violence has Macho Man worked up and he wants to beat up Bobby Heenan.

The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs Giant Gonzalez (w/Harvey Wippleman)
Giant Gonzalez is 8 feet tall and wears a flesh bodysuit.

The Undertaker comes out on a cart with a vulture. Would have been way more impressive if this wasn't in broad daylight.

Apparently, there are people listening to the commentators on the radio. Why on Earth would you listen to pro-wrestling on the radio? In fact, why would you read about it??
Macho Man thinks Gonzalez is 10 feet tall, but Jim Ross assures him he is 8 feet tall. Heenan then claims that Gonzalez is actually 20 feet tall and Jim Ross again says 8 feet. Macho Man questions Heenan on the 20 feet and Heenan declares Giant Gonzalez 20 feet, 10 inches tall. Macho Man says that sounds believable.
Macho Man then claims The Undertaker is "from Down Under!". So Australia is Zombieland?
Gonzalez is actually losing, so he knocks out The Undertaker with some chloroform. Yes, he shoves a rag in The Undertaker's face and the commentators start ranting about how they can smell chloroform.
Winner = The Undertaker via disqualification
-1/10

The crowd chants for "Hogan!".
Careful what you wish for...

Oh wait - The Undertaker is awake and is going after Giant Gonzalez!
Macho Man: "He is living proof that he is not alive!"
Can't fault that logic.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene takes us back to show the destruction Yokozuna has performed since coming to the WWF. In comes Hulk Hogan for his opinion; he says Bret Hart is a good Hulkamaniac, so Hulk and all the Hulkamaniacs are behind him. But Hulk's not convinced even he can beat Bret Hart, so he issues a challenge to whoever wins the title. All that said, he believes Bret will win and keep the title where it belongs - in the USA!
Despite Bret Hart being Canadian and living in Canada.
7/10

In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some drunk dudes in togas.
-1/10

WWF Heavyweight Championship
Bret Hart (c) vs Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji)

Remember when I said that being overly fat is an underrated skill in pro-wrestling? You can't get any fatter than Yokozuna and it seems to make him indestructible.
Bret gives his shades to some kid in the front row because he has a hot mum.
The crowd chants "USA". Bret Hart is Canadian. Morons.
Bret Hart gets Yokozuna in the sharp shooter! So Mr. Fuji throws salt in his eyes. That would seem to be a deadly finisher that no one can get up from.
Winner = Yokozuna via pinfall following salt in the eyes
New Champion!
7/10

Seriously, he didn't even need to do anything after the salt in the eyes - it's like it completely paralysed and knocked out Bret Hart at the same time.

Fuck you, Mr. Fuji. Bret Hart was robbed! So a referee can come down and disqualify the Mega Maniacs for pretending to have a referee but no one can come down and disqualify Yokozuna for cheating?

Hulk Hogan comes down to help the Hitman, but Mr. Fuji then challenges Hulk Hogan to face Yokozuna - right now!

WWF Heavyweight Championship
Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna (c) (w/Mr. Fuji)
Mr. Fuji tries to throw the salt in Hulk's eyes, but gets Yokozuna instead.

Leg drop of doom!
Winner = Hulk Hogan
New Champion (again)!
1/10

Yokozuna was champion for a grand total of 2 minutes and 6 seconds.
And Bret Hart is completely forgotten about.

Fuck you all.

One more time, you know the drill!
Real American and posing to send us out...

WrestleMania IX: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Bret 'the Hitman' Hart vs Yokozuna
   Seems odd, I'm sure - no one else would agree with me, I bet - but the excitement was just off the charts for this match. And Bret Hart is just the best in the ring. Shame about the ending, though.
2. Worst Match
   The Undertaker vs Giant Gonzalez
   You had a giant caveman or whatever he was supposed to be fighting a slow zombie. And then ended it with the zombie being poisoned. Don't get me wrong, throw in a dinosaur and you've got yourself an awesome movie, but as a wrestling match it was just sucked the kumara.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mr. Perfect getting tongue-tied during his promo. Fun to see such a pro completely mess things up.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Todd Pettingill. Especially the part with the drunk dudes in their togas - it was like he was trying to be the cool guy at some stupid spring break party.
5. Star of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart. At least, until they completely killed him with this show. Seriously; they spent 2 hours talking about how Lex Luger knocked him out and then had him lose to Yokozuna just by having salt thrown in his eyes. Then Hulk Hogan completely pwned Yokozuna in such record time that it made Bret look like nothing. Way to go, WWF.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Natalie Cole, by default because there were none this time. And I'm not complaining.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   The guy from Caesar's Palace who spent 10 minutes with Todd Pettingill promoting how great Caesar's Palace is.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was a lot of changes; my wrap was mix of egg plant, mushrooms, tomatoes, spring onion and capsicum with beetroot & garlic hummus and salsa, topped with sour cream. Gold star! Then I tried this new Pepsi Next - stevia based Pepsi. Delicious! Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. All round great dinner.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I thought it was looking OK. I was wrong.
10. Overall Score
    This where I realise I have a completely different point of view to the internet fans. Because I loved this show! I'm going to pretend that ending didn't happen, because it was a big steaming pile of Simple Plan, but otherwise I just found the show silly and light-hearted. Sure, there was nothing overly amazing, but there was also nothing super-uber terrible. Plus, there was no bogus American patriotism at all! Except for the times people chanted USA during the Bret Hart/Yokozuna match. Bret Hart is Canadian. Yokozuna was (pretending to be) from Japan. Were they chanting for the referee? I had a great time.
    5 out of 10