YUME NO UKIYO NI SAITEMINA (2015)

The school girls would not allow Kiss to join in their game of hop-scotch. Especially with Tommy Thayer...

This is an EP with Momoiro Clover Z - a Japanese all-girl pop group. And it is just the same song done in two different ways: the first is sung in Japanese by the girls (with backing vocals from Kiss) and then it is performed by Kiss with Momoiro Clover Z providing backing vocals. I kind of prefer the Japanese version. Most likely because of my love affair with J-Pop. BUT the Kiss version (called Samurai Son) is probably just as good.

Not a bad song and a fun way to end Kissathon 2015.


Highlights:
Uh, Kiss rocking out with J-Pop. That is absolute good times.

Lowlights:
Tommy fucking Thayer



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

MONSTER (2012)

A Kiss tribute band crashed the Rammstein photo shoot...

These guys again???

Well, things are off to a better start with Hell or Hallelujah - admittedly a pretty cool song, if not for a terrible attempt at a guitar solo from Tommy Thayer. Same goes for Wall of Sound. I'm a Freak is a terrible name for a song but the song itself isn't quite that bad, if a little contrived. And by a little, I sure as hell mean totally. Maybe this album isn't going to be as bad as Sonic Boom? Maybe Gene and Paul have remembered how to write memorable songs that rock without being lame? Maybe Kiss are just as awesome as they've always been??

Nope.

Gene sings about going Back to the Stone Age and tries to make another shittier version of God of Thunder with The Devil is Me, Paul goes back to his usual crap with Shout Mercy and Eric Singer gets saddled with the corniest garbage possible, thanks to Paul and his never-ending quest to write another rock'n roll anthem. Spoiler alert: All For the Love of Rock & Roll failed yet again. And then we get Outta This World with mother fucking Tommy Thayer again...

Look, I get it - you are now 'The Spaceman'. But the problem is, we all know you really aren't. And it's bad enough that you steal all of Ace's guitar riffs and makeup and everything else that made him Ace, but you steal the whole gimmick about being from outer space and try and write garbage songs about this stuff? Seriously, just fuck off. Fuck the fuck off. And die. Fuck off and die.

Fuck off, Tommy Thayer.

There are other songs, but fuck writing about them. This album is shit and Tommy Thayer can just fuck off.


Highlights:
Is this a joke? Fuck you.

Lowlights:
Outta This World exposing all the levels of awful that Tommy Thayer possesses



Verdict = 4 Very Sad Tears of The Catman

SONIC BOOM (2009)

The mad scientist, Dr. Kiss, sent his 4 henchmen out to hypnotise the people with their brand of awful rock'n roll...

Kiss are back! With a new lineup! And... Tommy Thayer...

Fuck!

First thing I'll say, is that Paul's voice just does not sound like it used to. He sounds old and tired. Which happens when you sing like he does non-stop for 40 years. He's still cool, so I'll let it slide a little. Gene has stopped trying to sing all glam-metal, so the old voice thing works for him now.

The music? Well, this is just about as generic as you could ever imagine from Kiss: riffs that sound like they've been borrowed from previous songs, choruses that are desperate for a hook but have contrived lyrics about living life and working hard to be a rock star, refrains that go "Ah ah-ah-ah ah". It isn't that this stuff is terrible, it's just that it isn't really that great and is all really predictable.

Of special mention are songs like Never Enough, which comes across as the crappiest remake of Nothin' But a Good Time by Poison. That's an awesome song. Never Enough is quite crap. But not as bad as Stand - the verses are fine and sound like something off Psycho Circus. But then that chorus is the single cheesiest and most bullshit thing Kiss have ever done. Oh no, they just outdid it with the bridge section; bad enough they rip off themselves but to shout "Just look over your shoulder!"? Who the fuck they think they are now, the Jackson 5?? It's so bad, I'm surprised zombie Eric Carr didn't rise up and stab them all with his drum sticks before forming a new improved version of Kiss with Peter and Ace. That would have been the best choice of band to perform at the Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame.

You know, for all the claims that Tommy Thayer is an awesome guitarist, he sure doesn't do anything impressive on this album. Other than rip off Ace riffs.

Oh fuck, this album continues. Surely it gets better, right?

Wrong.
In fact, it just gets worse. Well, that's not entirely true - I like hearing Eric Singer sing, and All For the Glory is possibly the best song on this album. But like every other song on this album, it suffers from Super Try-hard Anthem Disorder. That's a real disease. Scott Stapp probably suffers from it too. Anyway, after that song it is just a barrel of clichés, from Danger Us ("Danger you/danger me/danger us!") to I'm an Animal (I thought you were supposed to be The Demon? And why are you stealing riffs from Lenny Kravitz?).


But the shit really hits the bottom when Tommy Thayer takes over on When Lightning Strikes. Stealing clichés from Ace's Spaceman character and using them to make a clichéd rock song with your shitty vocals? Yeah, shit doesn't get any worse than this. By the time Say Yeah offends me with its sheer terribleness, I'm ready to tell these guys to fuck off.


Highlights:
No one will think Ace Frehley was in any way responsible for this horse shit

Lowlights:
The chorus in Stand, Say Yeah, Tommy Thayer and his inescapable suckitude



Verdict = 4 Sad Tears of The Catman

THE BOX SET (2001)

The Kiss Ice Block! Now with added black for pointlessness...

Kiss box set! Full of demos and the usual songs you find on every other compilation!

Things kick off with the greatest demo of Strutter possible. I can't begin to explain why, but this version makes me smile and groove. It is awesome. Then we get the original Wicked Lester demos - the band Gene and Paul were in before Kiss. It is just hilariously laughable rubbish. They sound like a mid-60s flower power hippy band, which is equally hilarious considering Gene has said in interviews how much he hates hippies. The original version of She is fucking laughable - sounds like some sort of flower power remix, complete with soft falsetto vocals. Bahahahahahah. And then Love Her All I Can is actually EVEN FUNNIER!!! This is like The Room of music recordings.

Back to Kiss demos. I'd say these were less funny, except Gene forgets half the lyrics to Let Me Know and then fucks up the bass line on 100,000 Years. Oh cool, now we get a Paul demo from 1966 called Stop, Look to Listen. Holy fuck, his singing is actually all kinds of horrendous here. Then the guitar solo turns up and is like "You want to hear terrible? I'll show you terrible!". But then the lyrics just stand over both and say "Fuck you both - we are the worst part of this song!!!". Just to compound the fun even further, we are treated to a Gene demo from 1969 called Leeta. It's very much in the style of Gene being The Beatles. If The Beatles are the worst band in the history of the universe.


The rest of the first disc is just Kiss songs from the first 3 albums that I have listened to a few times but are still awesome so I shan't complain. They're certainly better than listening to Wicked Lester again.


Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up


Disc 2 is more of the same; some bad demos mixed in with songs from Alive! through to Love Gun. Highlights include the demo of God of Thunder where Paul sings lead vocals, an early demo of Calling Dr. Love that is called Bad, Bad Lovin', and a demo of a song called Love is Blind where Gene once again thinks he is The Beatles eating a shit pie.


Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up


Disc 3 is the most pointless so far; a couple of demos and a live version of Talk to Me mixed in with tracks from Alive II through to Creatures of the Night.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls


So Disc 4 steps up the pointless game to serious levels of "WHY?" by not even being an interesting collection of songs from the 80s. Seriously, it's like they aren't even trying right now.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls


At least Disc 5 contains a few songs that aren't available elsewhere; we get the Unplugged rendition of Got to Choose that was left off the album for reasons of being silly, Nothing Can Keep Me From You from the Detroit Rock City soundtrack, which is a bit of a sappy ballad but actually done well compared to the usual sappy bullshit Paul tries to dish up. And there's It's My Life - not the Bon Jovi song, surprisingly. Great song.

Pointless fucking box set though - if it weren't for the fact it collected a lot of awesome Kiss songs in one place, it would score very poorly because almost everything that was previously unreleased is either terrible or hilariously terrible.


Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Pauls and a thumbs up

CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1997)

A rare photo from Cher's collaboration with Pearl Jam...

Kiss are back from the future with an album recorded with a lineup that no longer exists!

Make sense? Not my fault Kiss went back to the makeup and awesomeness before they were ready to put this music out to the public.

Anyway, this was the mid-90s, so Kiss were doing their best Soundgarden impersonation. Gene is all angry on Hate and it actually works. Then Paul really turns up the alt. rock vibes with Rain and Master/Slave, which is admittedly based on a really cool riff. It's just the riff doesn't really go anywhere after that... Childhood's End is a cool song. I Will Be There isn't; it is right up there with Paul's sappiest ballads. I'm not sure why he doesn't just make a solo album and put all his cheesy ballads on there instead.

Luckily, Paul shows he can still rock with Jungle, which is a really bad ass tune. So Gene takes that as his cue to ride the suck train with the most plodding, heavy, brain-numbingly boring song possible - In My Head. After that it is just on to generic alt. rock styled songs with mostly decent choruses. And Bruce Kulick says goodbye with his only lead vocal contribution ever, I Walk Alone. This song is all kinds of brilliant and is basically a solo song, because I'm pretty sure he played everything except the drums. Oh wait, Gene and Paul do some backing vocals at the end. And Bruce does some backwards guitar solos. Wowsers!


Highlights:
Jungle, I Walk Alone

Lowlights:
I Will Be There, In My Head, It Never Goes Away



Verdict = 3 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

MTV UNPLUGGED (1995)

Having lost all their costumes and make-up in a robbery, Kiss started busking to make ends meet...

Ooooh Yeah!!!

This album is proof that you don't need electric guitars and amps to make the best rock'n roll in the universe. And what's even crazier, is that some of these songs sound even better unplugged than they did in their original studio incarnation!

Songs like Comin' Home and Goin' Blind, where the studio version was still pretty good, are now totally enhanced by the massive drumming of Eric Singer and the thoroughly improved singing of Paul and Gene. Seriously, all three are barrels of awesome throughout this show. But especially Eric Singer. But especially Paul Stanley. Sure Know Something is even more powerful than the studio version. Rock Bottom finally sounds like a gawdam rock song. How on Earth is the acoustic version a million times more rocking than every other electric version out there??

It isn't until track 9 that we get something I can even pretend to complain about with See You Tonite. I'm not sure why they chose a boring song from Gene's awful solo album when they have like 342 albums to choose from at this point in their careers, but whatever. It isn't totally awful and is at least better than the original version. And it isn't Tunnel of Love or Man of 1,000 Faces or something...

Besides, Paul makes up for it with I Still Love You, where his singing hits that point where the audience is melted and Godzilla is forced to retreat to his bedroom and cry into his journal. And after he's relaxed to the soothing melody of Every Time I Look at You (complete with a live string section), the world implodes with the return of Ace and Peter! And then after they perform a couple of classics together, because the world has now been turned upside down and we all live in Bizarro-land, Bruce and Eric come back out and everyone rocks the house as one big happy family. Including the greatest version of Nothin' to Lose ever, with Eric singing lead and Peter singing the chorus, and the rowdiest version of Rock'n Roll All Nite possible - complete with Ace and Peter singing the final verse between them, and then Ace and Bruce engaging in duelling guitar solo.

Just phenomenal stuff.


Highlights:
The whole motherfucking show

Lowlights:
That there were actually some awesome songs left off the CD, including a country version of God of Thunder and Spit



Verdict = 5 Smoking Les Paul Guitars and a hearty thumbs up

ALIVE III (1993)

Kiss tried their best to battle their way out of the phantom zone...

Explosions!

This album was my first exposure to a lot of the 80s & 90s songs that Kiss perform on this album. Sadly, they don't perform many of these nowadays so it is cool to have them on here. I once read something that said these performances with Eric Singer on drums was like a racing car driver taking your normal everyday car for a crazy spin. I'm not doing that metaphor justice in anyway whatsoever, but it's totally true, because with him behind the kit the classic tracks all have a very different feel. It isn't bad - it's kinda fun, actually. The only kind of downer is that Bruce Kulick is such an epic guitarist that he just ignores the classic licks and shreds all over the old songs. That's less fun sometimes.

I Just Wanna is actually way cooler than the studio version. Paul gets the crowd to say a naughty word very loud. What a bad man! I Was Made For Lovin' You gets a hard rock attitude and quite frankly this is my favourite version. I don't care if it wasn't really recorded at a concert. Same goes for Lick It Up - the 'favourite version' part, not the 'recorded at a concert' part. Though I'm equally not concerned, I guess. Take It Off is in the same category, though I prefer to know this was live otherwise the section with the strippers would be really awkward...

Paul sings the shit out of Detroit Rock City, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II is in some ways just as awesome as the studio version, and then things end in a weirdly patriotic manner with The Star Spangled Banner. I'm not sure why, but it makes me want to stand and salute.


Highlights:
Lick It Up, Forever, Detroit Rock City, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II, The Star Spangled Banner

Lowlights:
Lack of Ace Frehley guitar licks



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars

REVENGE (1992)

Graffiti was becoming a serious problem in Kissland...

Kiss are back!

And this time Gene is opening the album? What the what?? That's normally Paul's job!

That's ok, Unholy is a pretty damn good song to open with. And Paul is straight back to his normal self with Take It Off. No guesses as to what he's singing about. The production on this album is so much tighter than anything I've heard in a while and it really suits the added attitude the songs have. Spit is pretty much Gene's best song in almost a decade. Which is then followed by God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II - the greatest song in the history of mankind. The future as well. If you plan on writing a better song, you should just give up now and watch Arrested Development because it is impossible.

Paul's voice is super awesome on this album. Heart of Chrome is a lesson in badassery, and Thou Shalt Not continues Gene's trend of being awesome again. Amazing the difference leaving the 80s behind has done for him. No more of that speed hair metal wannabe garbage - he's back to making songs that make it sound like he is going to stomp around Tokyo like Godzilla. Or maybe even battle against Godzilla in a fire breathing competition. My money's on Godzilla, but you never know what tricks Gene might be up to...

Paul serves up possibly the sappiest ballad since that sachrine mess he left on his solo album, though at least Every Time I Look at You is somewhat better. So Gene goes back to being an angry arrogant man with Paralyzed. He's quite good at that. Then Paul talks about making not so sweet love to a woman, before we are treated to a demo version of Frehley's Comet's Breakout, but with Ace's guitar work replaced by Bruce Kulick. I guess that's what he gets for doing Hide Your Heart first...


Highlights:
Spit, God Gave Rock 'N' Roll to You II

Lowlights:
None. Kiss rocked this shit up!!!



Verdict = 4 Smoking Les Paul Guitars