23 September 1994
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA
The UWF is back, baby!
It's a year later and what do we have here? Well, this time it is actually the very final UWF event! This was a live television special - not another PPV disaster, sadly. But since it's been 14 months since the glory of Rampage '93, let's see who is still following Herb to the depths of UWF awesomeness.
Wait - we're back on SportsChannel?? Did these people not learn anything from airing 47 episodes of The Fury Hour??
And we now join the show... IN PROGRESS.
Carlo and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are on the call. I have no idea who is wrestling, though. Ummm... is that maybe Dan fucking Spivey??
UWF Americas Championship?
Johnny Ace (w/Missy Hyatt) vs 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey
Pretty sure Herb still has some of his t-shirts in stock, so why the fuck not, eh? Tolos thinks these dudes have speed, but I'm yet to see anything other than slowness.
Winner = 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey via Missy Hyatt throwing in the towel for Johnny Ace.
New Champion?
Herb gets in the ring to interview Spivey, but Spivey just attacks him. Herb calls in Blackjack Mulligan to save him. Then calls Spivey a chicken. Whatintheactualfuck is going on here???
Tolos goes on some kind of anti-women rant. Whoa-boy we're really off to the races here...
UWF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Mondo Guerrero vs 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong (w/Some Tall Dude)
Where did all these UWF championships come from? Our ring announcer tonight is Las Vegas "comic" Steve Rossi. Armstrong comes out to Van Halen's Right Now; it's a great song, but one hell of a weird entrance song for a bad guy. Tolos is certain Armstrong is "out of breath" after the first exchange - running 5 marathons is nothing compared to pro-wrestling? Carlo is confused and thinks this is the first match of the show. I'm confused because there is a big tall dude in Armstrong's corner and not once have the commentators mentioned his name or even acknowledged his presence.
Seriously - even when Armstrong actually hit him. Was he not supposed to be there or something? It's like he doesn't exist. Maybe he doesn't exist and I am hallucinating?? Too much UWF having a negative impact on my brain? Mondo is winning the entire match until Armstrong hits him with one elbow and kills him.
Winner = Jack Armstrong via elbow.
New Champion!
Herb must be on in-ring post-match interview duty tonight. He is not happy Armstrong won, but laughs at him for getting a cut on his head. Steve Rossi tries to get the crowd to cheer for Armstrong or something, but Herb gives him a nudge to shut-up.
Sunny Beach is partying with people in Las Vegas and looking fat.
Sunny Beach vs Dr. Feelgood (w/Missy Hyatt)
Sunny Beach is billed as "from California". Lies. He is also entering the ring to a James Brown song, which is absolutely not surfing music. How is Dr. Feelgood not coming out to Dr. Feelgood by Mötley Crüe? Oh shit - this dude is actually Mr. Outrageous! Seems he's traded his skateboard for a medical kit.
Tolos: "Sunny Beach is from California, and that can only mean one thing: Surfer!" Such professional insight. Missy Hyatt looks like Anna-Nicole Smith circa 1998.
She hits Sunny Beach with her shoe. Beach recovers and hits a variety of suplexes and honestly, it seems he has actually improved! Carlo wonders why Dr. Feelgood isn't "socialising with Missy". Motherfucker he's in the middle of a wrestling match - he can mack on Missy after he wins! Dr. Feelgood grabs a rag full of chloroform and tries to use it on Sunny Beach, but he reverses it.
Winner = Sunny Beach via pin with chloroform rag.
Missy is pissed and Sunny Beach grabs her - looks like he's planning on either kissing her or knocking her out, too. Either way, that shit is assault and unbecoming of a hero. Thankfully, Dr. Feelgood recovers and saves her from this predator.
Herb and Blackjack Mulligan are back in the ring for more spiteful interviews. Herb tells Missy she's "disgusting" - the fucking nerve of this guy... Like a total pro, Missy tries to subtly position Dr. Feelgood so he's actually facing the camera, but then Herb cuts off the interview.
UWF Southern States Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs Finland 'Hellraiser' Thor
Orton is still the champ? And it's no longer the UWF WWF Replica Intercontinental Championship? Steve Rossi continues his fantastic job as ring announcer by calling this "All Star Wrestling". He's terrible. Just fucking terrible. BUT THE VIKING HAS RETURNED and now he's called Finland because he comes from Finland?
That's dumb. Just keep calling him THE VIKING and let him walk around with his plastic hammer! Tolos thinks Orton "looks like a midget compared to Thor". I mean, he looks thinner and older, sure. But the motherfucker is only maybe 1 or 2 inches shorter.
THE VIKING
Then they just get in a crazy brawl and it's barrels of fun.
Draw via double-disqualification.
Blackjack Mulligan is in the ring with Orton. He barely gets 20 seconds to talk before being cut-off.
Up next: THE UWF MIDGET WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
UWF Midget World Championship
The Karate Kid vs Little Tokyo
Holy fuck I'm dying here! Rossi tries to make jokes, but... he's no Steve Allen, that's for damned sure! Little Tokyo is looking pretty old. Pretty real old. Tolos thinks he could train Carlo to be a midget wrestler. Little Tokyo runs the ropes on his own while The Karate Kid hides behind the referee. Carlo is pining for Missy Hyatt, so Tolos is hoping we get a "Midget Missy Hyatt" to help cure his loneliness. Little Tokyo tries to poke the referee in the eye, but dude you're only 4'4" and barely come up to the referee's hips.
Winner = Little Tokyo via push?
New Champion! Why do I keep posting that? Almost all of these title are currently vacant!
It's time for miserable and drugged up Herb to interview our winner - which is going to be terrible. He claims to know some Japanese, which consists of "sake" and "kanpai".
'Malicious' Sid Vicious cuts a promo and we can't hear a darn word he says until he starts screaming. He says something about 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams not having the credentials to fight him. Ummm... 'Dr. Death' is the UWF BBWSportsBra Champion - no wait, wasn't he stripped of that a couple of years ago?
This show might be on more drugs than Herb.
UWF Women's Championship
Tina Moretti vs Candy Devine
Rossi calls Candi Devine "Candi Devian" and Carlo tries desperately to cover for him. Herb demands a kiss from Moretti. Yuck. I'd hope she got hazard pay for that, but something tells me no one's getting paid after this show.
Tolos: "All my friends love The Golden Greek!"
Well, yeah you'd hope your friends like you, or they wouldn't really be friends now, would they...
Winner = Candy Devine Devian via top-rope slam or something.
New Champion!
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and a giant cardboard version of himself says he's fought off a lot of challengers for the UWF title. I don't recall you defending it once - Orton has defended that UWF Southern States Championship a lot more.
UWF World Tag-Team Championship
The Killer Bees vs The New Powers of Pain (The Warlord & Power Warrior)
Finally, some tag-team titles! A great idea to do this ON YOUR LAST SHOW EVER! Power Warrior is one of The Power Twins! Yay! I'd prefer just The Power Twins, to be honest. Carlo mentions that the Bees are almost as old as Tolos and like that's not the best way to hype people about your top guys. Brunzell works on Power Warrior's leg and he shouts out "Leave my leg alone!". Power Twins were ahead of their time. This match is getting Tolos so excited, he announces he will return to wrestling and wrestle... Carlos. Bhahaha. Warlord goes to clothesline Brunzell, but he clumsily gets out of the way and the referee gets clumsily knocked out of the ring.
OOOH the other Power Twin runs out and swaps with Power Warrior! They're finally getting revenge on The Killer Bees for the skullduggery they pulled at (The?) Beach Brawl! DR. HERB WITH THE LONG-TERM STORYTELLING WIN!!! Tolos finally clicks that these guys are the Power Twins - a tag-team that he fucking managed for months.
Winners = The Killer Bees via The Warlord clotheslining his own partner like a fucking goof.
New Champions!
What a total clusterfuck. The crack production crew couldn't even catch any of the action towards the ending. The Power Twins were robbed.
Oh fuck me, Jimmy 'Superfly Murderer' Snuka is in Las Vegas to fight Cactus Jack. And maybe murder a young woman? He loves the people. And murdering?
Lumberjack Match
Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka vs Cactus Jack
Herb is really excited to see Cactus Jack before the match. Man, he's seriously on his shit tonight. Some girl comes over and gets a photo with The Power Twins because she has good taste and did one of them just grab her butt?
There are a lot of dudes out here to be lumberjacks that I've not seen before or at least aren't wrestling on this show - like 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. This match is a mess. At one point, the lumberjacks try to get Cactus Jack back into the ring and he tries to take a table with him. Herb joins the commentary team and Cactus Jack throws Snuka at him, which leads to madness.
Herb calls Cactus Jack "one of the greatest high-flyers" BAHAHAHA. Cactus Jack throws Snuka out of the ring again and it is like a mosh pit with the way everyone is just shoving each other.
Herb can be heard screaming to ring the bell.
Draw via double-disqualification.
Snuka and Cactus Jack start fighting up in the stands and Carlo is all like "They didn't even pay for those seats!". No one did - that's why they're empty.
Rossi tries to tell us these guys are the best and Herb is like 'fuck that GO TO COMMERCIAL'.
Herb has taken it upon himself to announce the main event - I think maybe he booted Rossi for being too boring. Herb is genuinely fucked up.
UWF World Heavyweight Championship
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams (c) vs 'Malicious' Sid Vicious
This must be a different UWF championship and belt? How and when did 'Dr. Death' win it?? Carlo manages to spell "U.W.F." correctly - he's now proven he is too smart to work here anymore. He then threatens us with a Blackjack Brawl II & III and I feel like it was clear within 2 minutes of this show there would never be another Blackjack Brawl. Or UWF show. Something has broken in the ring - the mat is all warped and is moving as the wrestlers move around the ring.
I can't imagine a more fitting thing to happen in the UWF's final match. 'Dr. Death' gets the pin and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey hits the ring to help move some more t-shirts.
Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via disqualification? Pretty sure he had the 3 count before Spivey even did anything, but whatever.
Spivey beats up 'Dr. Death' who just totally no-sells it for a while and continues beating up on Vicious, but eventually the bad guys double-team him and give him the old Skyscrapers double-powerbomb move from when they were a tag-team in WCW back in the 80's. Johnny Fucking Ace comes out with a chair to make the save and chase the bad guys away.
Carlo: "'Dr. Death' has been such a great champion for the UWF". Perhaps I didn't cover this: he won the title and then was NEVER seen again until now. Two years later.
Herb and his failure-induced/cocaine-fueled rage wants 'Dr. Death' vs Sid Vicious to fight again in a steel cage match. 'Dr. Death' says yes: "You haven't seen the last of the Doctor!" No shit - you just accepted a steel cage match.
Herb goes ballistic at Vicious and Spivey. Blackjack Mulligan also berates the bad guys and they're just like 'Uh, old man, you were once a really bad pro-wrestler that cheated all the time as well'. Herb says Williams still has the belt - except Herb is the one actually holding it up as he says this, because 'Dr. Death' has been sent to the hospital?
Rossi is just laughing at everyone yelling over each other. Herb's microphone gets cut-off, so we cut to Carlo and Tolos to get their final thoughts.
Tolos: "This is what the UWF stands for!". I can't argue with that. He then tries to tell me this is the greatest feud going in pro-wrestling today, and I'm like in 2022 you might be right.
Herb must have found a working microphone, so it's back to him and Blackjack Mulligan. Herb is ranting like an absolute fucking lunatic - his voice is hoarse from all the screaming. "WATCH THE UNIVERSAL WRESTLING FEDERATION! IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD!"
MJ's Why You Wanna Trip on Me? sends us out.
Thoughts:
- Buckle in, kids...
- This show was a complete train wreck. A clusterfuck of epic proportions. I loved it.
- The show started IN PROGRESS but the commentators never once tried to get us up to speed on what we missed - or what we were watching.
- Herb was clearly under the influence and got progressively worse as the night wore on.
- Steve Rossi was a terrible idea.
- The wrestling was actually pretty good! But 98% of the finishes were classic UWF WTF finishes.
- Carlo and John Tolos do make for a good commentary duo. Tolos, however, does get caught with some... less than good comments at times.
- I'm not sure where all these championships suddenly came from, but they would have been more beneficial maybe 2 years earlier before the whole company went out of business forever.
- The main event was a total dud.
- Again, this show really was a colossal train wreck on every conceivable level. I had a great time!
- And so ends my journey watching the UWF. I'm not sure how it happened, but it took me a whole year to move on the 2nd episode, then I watched everything else within the following 2 months. Then it took me another 4 months to finish all these bLog posts - just in time for another weekend of WrestleMania watching...
- Can I just watch some more UWF instead??
