UWF Fury Hour: Episode 10

UWF Fury Hour Episode 10, 10th December 1990

We get a recap of the feud between 'Chief' Jay Strongbow and Cactus Jack (and David Samamrtino and 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong, I guess). Because it's been so thrilling thus far...

Herb tells us tonight's main event was supposed to be 'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, but John Tolos wouldn't sign the match. Bruno expects "a wild main event" anyways. But who cares when THE VIKING is here?!?

B. Brian Blair is hanging out with Captain Lou Albano and Honey. Blair and Albano insist Honey remain seated because she hasn't recovered from that headbutt a month ago. 

Orton and Tolos talk more smack and 'The Golden Greek' is looking more and more like a high school coach.

Larry Zybysko vs The Ghost of Kevin Benjamin
Zybysko is not Bruno's hero, apparently. Herb would like to see Zybysko win the UWF title; it's an imaginary title right now, so just close your eyes and believe... David Sammartino is out to watch the match again because I guess there isn't a TV backstage?

Winner = Larry Zybysko via abdominal stretch

That is the most 'Larry' ending possible.

Advertisements time. Get a load of this schmuck:

Louie Spicolli "sings" New York, New York. Or he's doing Primal Therapy.

Our friend the black referee tells Herb he doesn't want to have Colonel DeBeers suspended - he only wants the opportunity to referee his matches. Herb doesn't ask for any sort of explanation.

Colonel DeBeers vs The Bulldozer
Herb and Bruno just make fun of The Bulldozer for being fat and useless.
Herb: "Went down like a tonne of bricks!"
Bruno: "Went down like a bulldozer!"
He tries a move but fails - Bruno says he took too long. Houses don't tend to move very fast, yo!

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via racism

Herb is happy the referee for that match was a white dude. Seriously.

Now Herb is in New York with a big black cop that wants to fight Colonel DeBeers or something. The viewer is finally told that the UWF will be in New York in January. Cool, because the only tickets you've been advertising are in Los Angeles. Still to be confirmed if Colonel DeBeers vs Black NY Cop will be the main event.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Louie Spicolli
'Wild Thing' steals a little girl and throws out a t-shirt for a lucky fan. The crowd repay his enthusiasm by chanting "WILD THING SUCKS". It's probably only like 10 people, but that's almost half the crowd. Now they're chanting "WILD THING IS A WOMAN". The UWF attracts only the finest people. Spicolli manages to enter the ring without tripping over for once and Bruno is very impressed. I fear his standards are slipping...

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via splash

Captain Lou's Corner
This week Don 'The Rock' Muraco is here. He's happy because he has been travelling and surfing all over the world. I guess that takes money, which is how he ended up here?

Ask The Wrestlers

Steve Stevens?!? Is it really him??
Bruno puts over a bunch of legends because he thinks it's unfair to just pick one. Plus Bruno is a commentator now - not a wrestler, STEVE STEVENS!!!

THE VIKING vs Robbie Allen
This ref is the actual worst.

Winner = THE VIKING

THE VIKING drops some elbows after the match because Robbie Allen dares to remain alive.

Colonel DeBeers insults the police because... South Africa? It's amazing how much of a South African accent he doesn't have.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos gets out of a limousine to tell you he is coming to New York with his "stable". Oh, it now consists of 3 wrestlers: 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey. Greg Valentine is yet to appear in the UWF and yesterday I saw Dan Spivey wrestling in WCW, so good luck with your "stable". Also, that sounds like a really shitty pro-wrestling stable.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack
Before the match, Strongbow bitches to the commentators about something and Bruno is just like "Well, get in there and fight him!". Cactus Jack uses an international object and Herb calls it a gimmick - I find that mildly amusing. Strongbow does some light power-walking outside the ring and Herb claims this is his "war dance". Strongbow steals Cactus Jack's gimmick and lays out the referee.

Winner = Cactus Jack via disqualification

Cactus Jack goes outside and throws a bunch of chairs into the ring, which somehow results in he and Strongbow brawling to the back. Stongbow then comes back to the ring and apologises to the referee, before ranting to Bruno and Herb some more. Herb suggests an Indian Death Match. This would have all been more effective had anyone outside of Herb and Bruno been able to hear whatever the fuck 'Chief' was ranting about.

Thoughts:

• WCW this week had Black Scorpion nonsense and Michael Fucking Wallstreet. Not even THE VIKING and his plastic accessories could save this show from being boring, so I have no idea which was worse. Either way, the loser is me.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 9

UWF Fury Hour Episode 8, 26th November 1990

Today! 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong will be teaming up with Cactus Jack. I don't know who the hell he is or why I should care, but whatever.

Herb Abrams is "still trying to get over what happened last week". There was some sort of incident involving Jack Armstrong on an earlier episode? I swear - he hasn't been here before! We'll also get the finish from last week's main event. But that's all just to get you warmed up for the return of THE VIKING!!!

Nikita Koloff vs Ken Patera
Herb isn't sure Russians can count past six. Nikita goes over the top rope and the bell rings?

Winner = Nikita Koloff via disqualification

Even Herb and Bruno are like WTF?!? Apparently the referee's excuse is "Ken Patera should not have done that". Well, that was absolutely worth the wait, wasn't it!

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Robbie Allen
Herb wonders what The Golden Greek has planned for his "stable". You mean him and Orton? Dan Spivey in WCW? Maybe that's the plan - get them all real jobs in pro-wrestling with a real wrestling promotion?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via botched superplex

He's lucky that didn't end worse.

'Dr. Death' talks about fighting Paul Orndorff in New York. Cool... but when??

Larry Zybysko vs The Bulldozer
Zybysko is wearing a championship belt.

Wait - he's the UWF champion?? Oh no, he is still the AWA champion. Wait - the AWA still exists?? David Sammartino comes to the ring to intimidate Zybysko.

Winner = Larry Zybysko via slam

Sammartino leaves because a slam is oh so scary, I guess?

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs The Grappler
'Cowboy' Bob Orton and John Tolos come out, but Honey keeps them at bay with her 'stinger'. Yet she can't stop them from jumping up on the ring apron all the time.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via bad sharpshooter

After the match, Honey attacks Tolos with her 'stinger' so Orton beats up Blair and then Honey, too.

Captain Lou's Corner
Orton didn't realise it was a woman he was beating, but he feels like it was only to help equality. Tolos calls Honey a tarantula and doesn't think Albano has ever been on a date with a woman.

We get a recap from 2 weeks ago when the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud began.

B. Brian Blair is not happy about Orton's attack on Honey. Seems this is the new big feud.

THE VIKING vs Steven DeLeon
Someone in the crowd yells "He's better than Arn Anderson!". Amen! The crowd chants "VIKING SUCKS". I think they meant "VIKING SUCH AWESOME"

Winner = The Viking - who did you think??

Herb thinks The Viking looks a little less vicious this week. Steven DeLeon is still alive, so Herb is probably correct. The Viking makes up for it by pushing a little girl on his way to the back. Go Viking, go!

Andre the Giant once again assures us he is the only giant in the UWF. I haven't seen anyone else in the UWF make any sort of claims about being a giant, so I think that's all yours, buddy.

Larry Zybysko is "waiting for a man to come to Larryland".

Oh now they are replaying the end of the 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack match that I didn't get to see. 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong interfered - so I guess that's what they were talking about.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow & David Sammartino vs Cactus Jack & 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong
Bruno wants everyone to calm down so they can avoid getting disqualified - like me, he must be getting sick of every main event ending with a DQ or a count-out. The crowd seems to like Cactus Jack a lot. Strongbow does his terrible "war dance" and "war cries". Larry Zybysko comes out to watch David Sammartino and they end up arguing outside the ring - probably about who watches matches ringside better. This leaves Strongbow in the ring alone, prime for some cheating.

Winners = Jack & Jack via hitting 'Chief' Jay Strongbow with an international object 

Wait - an actual finish in the main event?? I mean, there was cheating involved, but we got an actual pinfall!

David Sammartino wants a match with Larry Zybysko. No duh.

Larry Zybysko calls himself the champion and takes credit for retiring Bruno. I thought he beat you and then got old and bored of being champion?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' are "dirty rats". Orton makes a comment about Honey all over Brian's face, which just sounds... yeah...

And we're out. Herb screams us home with: "THE FURY HOUR! ISN'T IT AWESOME?"

No, Herb. No it is not.

Thoughts:

• The Viking should have murdered another jobber. Maybe Davey Meltzer?

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 7

UWF Fury Hour Episode 7, 12th November 1990

We get a recap of the racist-DeBeers-black referee nonsense from a few weeks ago before Herb and Bruno give their thoughts. We've also got new graphics for the wrestlers again. What, no Viking? Well this episode is going to fail...

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Robbie Allen
Another one-sided beating from Dr. Death.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via blah blah blah

Larry Zybysko is here?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Steven DeLeon(?)
Bruno sure does like the word "schlacking". Some dude keeps yelling at DeLeon about being "a real man"?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Orton complains about losing to 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff and now the crowd are supporting him?

Next month will see the start of a new segment on The Fury Hour - Ask the Wrestlers. Oooh I can't wait!

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs Louie Spicolli
Orton is still in the ring and Blair says "Get your nose out of my beeswax!". So John Tolos talks Orton into leaving the ring - so now they are teaming? This is The Golden Greek's famed stable? Holy cow, Blair's sharpshooter is terrible.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via bad sharpshooter

Paul Orndorff shills the merch like a pro!

Cactus Jack gives us a history lesson or something...

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guest is 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. They respect each other's skills but not their tactics blah blah blah. Tolos calls Albano a whimp. Albano bites Tolos' tie. Now they're just yelling over each other and I have no idea what's being said. 

Nikita Koloff cuts a promo on New York. Are the UWF planning a show there or something?

Nikita Koloff vs Spitball Patterson
Herb tries to tell me Spitball Patterson has had "a few victories here in the UWF". When did that happen?? He gets laid out by a tackle and Bruno thinks he's weak.

Winner = Nikita Koloff via Russian Sickle

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Masked Grappler
Orndorff is mad!

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via not messing around

Colonel DeBeers talks about about a fire at a movie studio which has zero to do with a black referee or Billy Jack Haynes. 

Billy Jack Haynes used to have a black babysitter. He now has a terrbile moustache. He fights for all races and people... except for South Africa.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
Colonel DeBeers is too busy arguing with the referee, so Billy Jack Haynes attacks him from behind like a true hero. DeBeers throws the ref into Haynes. Haynes gets DeBeers in the dreaded 'Full Nelson', but DeBeers just kicks the referee.

Winner = Billy Jack Haynes via disqualification

Billy Jack Haynes just up and leaves, so Colonel DeBeers beats up the referee some more. If he was here to protect him, why did Haynes just leave already??

Ken Patera and Nikita Koloff cut promos on each other: Patera like rice bubbles for breakfast, Koloff like muscles.

Thoughts:

• I... have none