UWF Fury Hour: Episode 10

UWF Fury Hour Episode 10, 10th December 1990

We get a recap of the feud between 'Chief' Jay Strongbow and Cactus Jack (and David Samamrtino and 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong, I guess). Because it's been so thrilling thus far...

Herb tells us tonight's main event was supposed to be 'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, but John Tolos wouldn't sign the match. Bruno expects "a wild main event" anyways. But who cares when THE VIKING is here?!?

B. Brian Blair is hanging out with Captain Lou Albano and Honey. Blair and Albano insist Honey remain seated because she hasn't recovered from that headbutt a month ago. 

Orton and Tolos talk more smack and 'The Golden Greek' is looking more and more like a high school coach.

Larry Zybysko vs The Ghost of Kevin Benjamin
Zybysko is not Bruno's hero, apparently. Herb would like to see Zybysko win the UWF title; it's an imaginary title right now, so just close your eyes and believe... David Sammartino is out to watch the match again because I guess there isn't a TV backstage?

Winner = Larry Zybysko via abdominal stretch

That is the most 'Larry' ending possible.

Advertisements time. Get a load of this schmuck:

Louie Spicolli "sings" New York, New York. Or he's doing Primal Therapy.

Our friend the black referee tells Herb he doesn't want to have Colonel DeBeers suspended - he only wants the opportunity to referee his matches. Herb doesn't ask for any sort of explanation.

Colonel DeBeers vs The Bulldozer
Herb and Bruno just make fun of The Bulldozer for being fat and useless.
Herb: "Went down like a tonne of bricks!"
Bruno: "Went down like a bulldozer!"
He tries a move but fails - Bruno says he took too long. Houses don't tend to move very fast, yo!

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via racism

Herb is happy the referee for that match was a white dude. Seriously.

Now Herb is in New York with a big black cop that wants to fight Colonel DeBeers or something. The viewer is finally told that the UWF will be in New York in January. Cool, because the only tickets you've been advertising are in Los Angeles. Still to be confirmed if Colonel DeBeers vs Black NY Cop will be the main event.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Louie Spicolli
'Wild Thing' steals a little girl and throws out a t-shirt for a lucky fan. The crowd repay his enthusiasm by chanting "WILD THING SUCKS". It's probably only like 10 people, but that's almost half the crowd. Now they're chanting "WILD THING IS A WOMAN". The UWF attracts only the finest people. Spicolli manages to enter the ring without tripping over for once and Bruno is very impressed. I fear his standards are slipping...

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via splash

Captain Lou's Corner
This week Don 'The Rock' Muraco is here. He's happy because he has been travelling and surfing all over the world. I guess that takes money, which is how he ended up here?

Ask The Wrestlers

Steve Stevens?!? Is it really him??
Bruno puts over a bunch of legends because he thinks it's unfair to just pick one. Plus Bruno is a commentator now - not a wrestler, STEVE STEVENS!!!

THE VIKING vs Robbie Allen
This ref is the actual worst.

Winner = THE VIKING

THE VIKING drops some elbows after the match because Robbie Allen dares to remain alive.

Colonel DeBeers insults the police because... South Africa? It's amazing how much of a South African accent he doesn't have.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos gets out of a limousine to tell you he is coming to New York with his "stable". Oh, it now consists of 3 wrestlers: 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey. Greg Valentine is yet to appear in the UWF and yesterday I saw Dan Spivey wrestling in WCW, so good luck with your "stable". Also, that sounds like a really shitty pro-wrestling stable.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack
Before the match, Strongbow bitches to the commentators about something and Bruno is just like "Well, get in there and fight him!". Cactus Jack uses an international object and Herb calls it a gimmick - I find that mildly amusing. Strongbow does some light power-walking outside the ring and Herb claims this is his "war dance". Strongbow steals Cactus Jack's gimmick and lays out the referee.

Winner = Cactus Jack via disqualification

Cactus Jack goes outside and throws a bunch of chairs into the ring, which somehow results in he and Strongbow brawling to the back. Stongbow then comes back to the ring and apologises to the referee, before ranting to Bruno and Herb some more. Herb suggests an Indian Death Match. This would have all been more effective had anyone outside of Herb and Bruno been able to hear whatever the fuck 'Chief' was ranting about.

Thoughts:

• WCW this week had Black Scorpion nonsense and Michael Fucking Wallstreet. Not even THE VIKING and his plastic accessories could save this show from being boring, so I have no idea which was worse. Either way, the loser is me.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 6

UWF Fury Hour Episode 6, 5th November 1990

TONIGHT! Billy Jack vs Ken Patera battle to determine THE MASTER OF THE FULL NELSON

Oooh the intro has been updated - now we've got a Rocky-inspired theme song, complete with 'fighting' montages! Along with some random photos of Hollywood scenery.

Herb and Bruno are here! Tonight we have the Kings of the Full Nelson! Plus the usual wrestlers and THE VIKING!!!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Gary Keys
Some dude is holding up a Four Horseman sign and I can't help but imagine a world where Ric Flair bailed on WCW a year earlier and turned up in UWF to battle Paul Orndorff. 

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Orndorff talks about Dr. Death jumping him from behind. Did that happen? I thought they had a match that ended with a bullshit double count-out.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack
Strongbow's entrance music is less Native American and more Japanese sounding. But he is also less Native American and more Italian American, so whatever. Herb says Strongbow showed his his teepee - and it's a big one! Bruno is just like 'What the fuck are you talking about?!?'. Strongbow's "war dance" is hilariously bad; less Native American war dance, more kid trying to kick ants out of his pants. Wait - my episode is cut! I don't have the end of the match!!

Winner = Logman via not having to watch the whole thing

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Michael Moore
Herb immediately lets us know that Orton will easily win. Shocker! Orton hits his top-rope suplex and Herb goes absolutely nuts.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Herb wants to see him do that to Orndorff. Biased jerk! I thought you supported the good guys??

Nikita says he hasn't liked what's been happening in professional wrestling until he saw UWF - because these people wrestle! Tell that to 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack!

Captain Lou's Corner
Today, Captain Lou Albano is 'live' in the middle of the ring. HOLY SHITBALLS IT'S ANDRE THE GIANT!!!

He came here because the UWF is the best in the world. OK. Andre is confused and thinks UWF stands for U Want to Fight?

THE VIKING!!! and his plastic hammer have "a message for Mr. X and Mr. B: I'll be back!". Dude, where are you going??

THE VIKING vs Kevin Benjamin
Herb and Bruno can't get over Andre the Giant coming out to say "Hi". Who cares, now that THE VIKING is here?!? THE VIKING is so far ahead of the times that Bruno doesn't even know what moves he's doing!

Winner = THE VIKING via murder

The doctor has to come out again, but this time THE VIKING is all 'this guy needs to be killed more to make it worth your time' and drops some more elbows. THE VIKING is the best!

David Sammartino vs Riki Ataki
Apparently, David came out earlier to help 'The Chief' against Cactus Jack - so that's all I missed. Herb mentions Ataki hasn't won a match in the UWF - no shit, he's a jobber and you guys make it VERY clear at the start of each match that he sucks. Poor David; his Dad is so interested in his match that instead of giving him glowing commentary he is choosing to argue with Herb about the main event.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure four boredom

Andre the Giant says we will see a lot of him here in the UWF. Spoiler: we will never see him again.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Ken Patera
Bruno thinks they are under-reporting Patera's weight. I mean, there's no weight clases, so who cares?!? Bruno does - that's who! In a complete surprise, this is the slowest and most boring match ever until Billy Jack Haynes beats up the referee for reasons.

Winner = Ken Patera via disqualification

Ken Patera teases getting back in the ring for 5 more minutes, but he already won the match so he goes home instead.

Next week: Billy Jack Haynes will rematch Colonesl DeBeers. The black referee wants to another chance to call this match. I smell screwball antics.

Thoughts:

• Andre the Giant was a hell of a get. Shame Vince cut him off on that.
• THE VIKING
• We got our first meeting of this guy:
  
  
  

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 2

UWF Fury Hour Episode 2, 8th October 1990

Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino are back - apparently the first episode was "wild and wooly". There are some known names on today's show, and Billy Jack Haynes in the main event!

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack vs Davey Meltzer
Davey Meltzer may be the best gimmick ever. Cactus Jack bites people so Bruno thinks he needs to change his meal times. Cactus Jack leaps off the ring apron to the floor to deliver a flying elbow drop... but the quality production team totally miss it.

Winner = Cactus Jack via pinfall

Dan Spivey is so weird he kills the video feed.

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Scott Cole
Im fresh off Dan Spivey being WCW, disappearing (I'm guessing to appear in the UWF) and he's just returned to WCW in November. So this is odd.

Winner = Dan Spivey via powerbomb squashtimes

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Black Knight
Herb and Bruno have no idea who the black knight is. I love how much they care about the product they are presenting. I'm also fresh off Ordorff coming to WCW for a quick holiday and then leaving to join the UWF. Herb makes fun of The Black Knight for being fat and I'm like dude, look at you - you're Herb Abrams! The Black Knight botches hilariosly and i'm like ok dude, you're The Black Knight - let's make fun of you!

Winner - Paul Orndorff via piledriver

How does 'Mr. Wonderful' look so much older here than he did a few months earlier in WCW? 

B. Brian Blair shills the UWF merch again.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a promo with the most blatant cue card reading ever.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo and I still can't believe this is the same dude that looked like a total badass a few years ago. It was only months for me!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Larry Jobberdude
I do enjoy how much respect the jobbers gets here in the UWF; there is very little effort to let you know their names - it's just 'here is a body for a big old guy to beat up'. And boy howdy does Dr. Death beat this body. Even with a top tope move.

Winner = Steve Williams via boredom

The ads on this show are so completely hilariously bad compared to what I've been seeing on WCW.

Colonel DeBeers wants respect for South Africa. He calls Billy Jack Haynes "Billy JERK Haynes" Ooooh!!!

David Sammartino vs Houdini
Sammartino comes out to Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. The match hasn't even started and already "the crowd" are chanting "BORING", but Bruno is a true pro and continues to call this like it's a normal wrestling match. Except for when David makes a mistake that leads to him getting beaten up by his opponent - then Bruno gets all Dad on him and is all "Well, he deserved that".

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-four leglock

Holy shit these matches are going quickly today.

Captain Lou's Corner
Dan Spivey is a great pro-wrestler? Captain Lou won't even look at him and they then get into a big discussion as to whether or not being tall is an advantage for a pro-wrestler.
What?
Captain Lou asks Spivey why he attacked B. Brian Blair. Dude, I saw the press conference - Blair was talking a bunch of smack and brought it on himself! Spivey says he wants the heavyweight title. There's a title in the UWF??

Dan Spivey cuts a solo promo and also reads cue cards.
Herb yells at me to buy his t-shirt. Who in the fuck would want a Dan Spivey t-shirt?!?

Chief Jay Strongbow wants you to support him and by proxy the Native American people (but this is 1990 so he calls them Indians).

B. Brian Blair vs Spitball Patterson
Herb is sure B. Brian Blair just sold a hundred t-shirts. Maybe if we're accumulating over the entire course of his life. Maybe. Dan Spivey comes out to the ring to watch. Herb and Bruno are very unhappy the referee is allowing him out there - Herb even wonders if he's been paid off. Spivey isn't doing anything - he's just watching the match! I mean, sure, he's tripped Blair twice, but the referee didn't see so that's not his problem! B. Brian Blair does the sharpshooter? And Herb calls it a Boston crab??

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not excellence of execution

Dan Spivey beats up B. Brian Blair after the match.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers comes out to Welcome to the Jungle, which until recently was also the entrance song for The Steiner Brothers. Stealing cool music from cooler guys - that's a true heel move. Holy balls, he actually just said he will not allow a black man to referee his match. The referee is changed to the usual fat white dude and Bruno is like fuck that and fuck him! Billy Jack Haynes comes out and quotes Michael Jackson, except Black or White is yet to be released so maybe he should be credited as a songwriter on that one, but apparently Colonel DeBeers has more pull backstage because they ignore Haynes' request to have the black referee come back. This match is slow and boring. Billy Jack Haynes was awesome when he was younger and jacked and just doing squash matches; instead he's now older, less jacked and doing long boring matches like this.

Draw via double count-out

Bruno is like "Billy Jack could have done better"
You'd hope so, Bruno.

Dr. Death cuts a promo running down all the other babyfaces in the company, but he's the new generation or something. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're all from the same generation of the previous decade.

Herb sends us home, telling us the main even was "unreal".
Unfortunately, it was very real.

Thoughts:

• Who thought Dan Spivey was some sort of star??
• Bah gawd this show was boring

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Eight: WrestleMania XXVIII

1 April 2012
Sun Life Stadium
Miami, Florida - USA

Attendance: 78,363

Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
This was another group viewing and as such I remember having a great time. But mostly in the same way as WrestleMania XXVII - we barely paid attention to anything outside of the main event. Hopefully I will pay more attention to everything else on the card today. I say that now, but there will probably be an 18-Diva match with Hornswoggle and Michael Cole as the guest commentators so I can't promise anything. I swear, if I see anything that is close to what I just wrote I will be out of here and back to playing 80's arcade games faster than you can steal my lemonade. Leave it alone! Now let's start the show and see how I go...

America the Beautiful
It's Lillian Garcia again, along with some bullshit military salute or something. Why can't Lillian just sing normally? She's good and all - and this song is lame - but she is just ridiculous with the way she sings all over the place. And I don't think she is quite as good as she seems to think she is.
3/10

She leads the crowd in a "USA" chant.
Oh just fuck off.

Opening Video Package
Once in a lifetime. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
8/10

Opening Match
World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/AJ Lee)

Daniel Bryan is the bad guy - but you wouldn't know it from the crowd reaction. They love him! Which means WWE have to destroy him.
Winner = Sheamus via pinfall in 18 seconds
New Champion!
3/10

And this is why it pays to be friends with the boss.

Backstage
The bad guys are fighting for Team Johnny. He compares their upcoming match tonight to Andre/Hogan and Austin/Hart. I'm from the future and I call bullshit. Hell, even in 2012 I call bullshit.
2/10

Randy Orton vs Kane

Kane is back in the mask and his hair has grown back? More of his evil magic powers, no doubt.
The crowd are so excited by this match they chant "Daniel Bryan!"
There is a guy in the front row that can't believe Kane didn't win from a chokeslam, Dude, he never wins from a chokeslam. Oh wait...
Winner = Kane via pinfall following top rope chokeslam
3/10

Backstage
Santino Marella and Mick Foley combine to create the worst backstage segment I have seen in a long time. Ron Simmons enters to say "Damn!" because he has the best job in the world.
-3/10

Video Package
Big Show is big... a big dummy! Especially at WrestleMania.
8/10

Intercontinental Championship
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes (c)

The commentators bury Daniel Bryan so we at home know not to care about him like the fans in the arena.
Winner = Big Show via pinfall following KO punch event though it should be illegal
New Champion!
4/10


Big Show starts crying. Add that to his embarrassing WrestleMania moments.

Video Package
The Divas brag about their job. OK then?
3/10

Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
They show a video of why this match is happening. I wish they hadn't.
Winners = Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos via Maria pinning Beth
2/10

Nothing like having a TV show host pin your Diva's champion.

Backstage
Matt Striker talks to Shawn Michaels, who is just typical Shawn Michaels and say nothing.
3/10

Jim Ross comes out for commentary. Because the H bomb gets the best for his matches.

Hell in a Cell - End of an Era Match
Undertaker vs Triple H
Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels
What does "End of an Era" even mean?
I'm guessing it is why the H bomb spends half of this match yelling at Michaels to "end it!", which gets really old really really quickly. A second referee comes out and gets chokeslammed, which he sells for about 12 minutes. Must have been the deadliest chokeslam in history. And then they kinda rip off the ending to WrestleMania XXVI.
Just way lamer.
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10

Hall of Fame highlights. Ric Flair thanked Chris Benoit but they didn't it. Mike Tyson made a joke about when he was arrested and people laugh? Yeah, it's funny he raped a girl.

Backstage
Heath Slater wants to work with Flo Rida, who does not have a sense of humour.

8/10

Team Teddy vs Team Johnny
For control of Raw and Smackdown
I can not begin to describe for you just how much indifference I feel towards this match.
Winners = Team Johnny following The Miz pinning Zack Ryder
3/10

After he gets pinned at WrestleMania, Eve kicks him in the balls. If I'm learning anything from this WrestleMania, it's that you should not try and get yourself over with the fans or WWE will kill your career.

More highlights of WrestleMania week and all the good WWE do for the world. If I'm learning anything else from this WrestleMania, it's that WWE is full of bullshit.

Backstage
CM Punk and John Laurinaitis get together for a bit of a chin-wag. Good old Johnny Ace decides that if Punk gets disqualified or counted out he will lose his title. CM Punk still has his lip-piercing here. I he doesn't get another one before his UFC debut.
7/10

Video Package
Chris Jericho thinks he is better than CM Punk because people in Punk's family have substance abuse problems. And people wonder why I am so done with Chris Jericho...
5/10

WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs Chris Jericho
These guys get the coolest entrances. As much as I dislike Chris Jericho, I certainly admire his choice in jackets.

And I post this so you have an idea of the scale of things. Is best viewed with Cult of Personality by Living Colour playing in the background:

After that awesome, this match starts with lots yells like "Your Father's a drunk!" and "Your sister's a drug addict!". Fucking cringe.
Remember when Johnny Ace said if CM Punk gets counted out he loses the title? Someone needs to remind Chris Jericho. And the commentators; they just said that he was pulling Punk back into the ring because it was the only way he can win the title. You are all stupid.
At least the end of this was good.
Winner = CM Punk via submission
7/10

Brodus Clay calls his 'Momma'.
I call my psychiatrist to find out what compells me to continue this marathon.
-3/10

Video Package
The Rock vs John Cena is the biggest Main Event in the history of WWE. I'm from the future and can't argue with the numbers. Chris Jericho claims this will be the greatest Main Event of all time. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
9/10

Musical Performance
Diddy is here to introduce Machine Gun Kelly. Diddy should have performed instead. Machine Gun Kelly suck worse than Metallica. They even end their performance by saying John Cena is the biggest underdog tonight. Oh fuck off and learn some musical skill.
-1/10

Musical Performance
Flo Rida has a cool mic stand.

He changes the whole last verse of Wild Ones to rap about The Rock kicking ass and beating John Cena. Flo Rida is cool.
9/10

Main Event

The Rock vs John Cena
Note to WWE: near-falls would work much better if wrestlers still won matches from things like suplexes and rollups, otherwise you have to do like this match and have dudes constantly kick out of finishing moves.
Winner = The Rock via pinfall following rock bottom for like the third time
7/10

The Rock celebrates as his theme plays us out.

WrestleMania XXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Rock vs John Cena
   This match didn't involve someone yelling at their opponent about their family being a drug addict or a drunk.
2. Worst Match
   Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
   Maria Menounos is about as good a wrestler as Kelly Kelly. Think about that.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Flo Rida beating up Heath Slater. The guy is actually huge and made Slater look like a chump.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Mick Foley and Santino Marella attacking their dinner with their sock puppets.
5. Star of the Show
   The Rock. Because The Rock is so obviously a bigger star than anyone else on this show it is hilarious.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Flo Rida. He looked like he wanted no part of that backstage segment, beat up a clown with a Southern drawl, and then rocked the house with his songs. Thumbs up from me!
   
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Those Machine Gun Kelly clowns. Their music is bad and they should feel bad.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was a collection of flavours; avocado, kale, red onion, tomato, cucumber, capsicum, carrot hummus and falafel topped with fried mushrooms and sweet chilli sauce. Was very tasty and filling. Being the weekend, I moved back to 7-Up. I should have stuck with Pepsi Next. And added tequila. Maybe one-fifth Pepsi Next and four-fifths tequila. The Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups were again very wonderful.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Even the logo has gross stuff stuck to it now.
10. Overall Score
    Jeepers - what a way to kill a good run! All the backstage stuff was awful, some of the video packages were fun and then the matches were mostly boring. Or quick and boring. The main event and the WWE championship match were good enough, but there was just something missing all night. Remember at WrestleMania III how all night you heard from Hogan and Andre, which just added to the drama and got me excited for the main event? This show had none of that; not a single promo by one of the greatest promo men of all time? No John Cena telling us how bad he needed to win? Just a video package telling us this was going to be the biggest main event of all time - I think that hurt it a bit. And that Triple H/Undertaker match is by far the most overrated match possible. Just an overblown spotfest that meant nothing. End of an era? Both are still wrestling and stuff - what was the point? Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Another day of WrestleMania... damn!
    4 out of 10