UWF Fury Hour: Episode 7

UWF Fury Hour Episode 7, 12th November 1990

We get a recap of the racist-DeBeers-black referee nonsense from a few weeks ago before Herb and Bruno give their thoughts. We've also got new graphics for the wrestlers again. What, no Viking? Well this episode is going to fail...

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Robbie Allen
Another one-sided beating from Dr. Death.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via blah blah blah

Larry Zybysko is here?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Steven DeLeon(?)
Bruno sure does like the word "schlacking". Some dude keeps yelling at DeLeon about being "a real man"?

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Orton complains about losing to 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff and now the crowd are supporting him?

Next month will see the start of a new segment on The Fury Hour - Ask the Wrestlers. Oooh I can't wait!

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs Louie Spicolli
Orton is still in the ring and Blair says "Get your nose out of my beeswax!". So John Tolos talks Orton into leaving the ring - so now they are teaming? This is The Golden Greek's famed stable? Holy cow, Blair's sharpshooter is terrible.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via bad sharpshooter

Paul Orndorff shills the merch like a pro!

Cactus Jack gives us a history lesson or something...

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guest is 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. They respect each other's skills but not their tactics blah blah blah. Tolos calls Albano a whimp. Albano bites Tolos' tie. Now they're just yelling over each other and I have no idea what's being said. 

Nikita Koloff cuts a promo on New York. Are the UWF planning a show there or something?

Nikita Koloff vs Spitball Patterson
Herb tries to tell me Spitball Patterson has had "a few victories here in the UWF". When did that happen?? He gets laid out by a tackle and Bruno thinks he's weak.

Winner = Nikita Koloff via Russian Sickle

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Masked Grappler
Orndorff is mad!

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via not messing around

Colonel DeBeers talks about about a fire at a movie studio which has zero to do with a black referee or Billy Jack Haynes. 

Billy Jack Haynes used to have a black babysitter. He now has a terrbile moustache. He fights for all races and people... except for South Africa.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
Colonel DeBeers is too busy arguing with the referee, so Billy Jack Haynes attacks him from behind like a true hero. DeBeers throws the ref into Haynes. Haynes gets DeBeers in the dreaded 'Full Nelson', but DeBeers just kicks the referee.

Winner = Billy Jack Haynes via disqualification

Billy Jack Haynes just up and leaves, so Colonel DeBeers beats up the referee some more. If he was here to protect him, why did Haynes just leave already??

Ken Patera and Nikita Koloff cut promos on each other: Patera like rice bubbles for breakfast, Koloff like muscles.

Thoughts:

• I... have none

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 6

UWF Fury Hour Episode 6, 5th November 1990

TONIGHT! Billy Jack vs Ken Patera battle to determine THE MASTER OF THE FULL NELSON

Oooh the intro has been updated - now we've got a Rocky-inspired theme song, complete with 'fighting' montages! Along with some random photos of Hollywood scenery.

Herb and Bruno are here! Tonight we have the Kings of the Full Nelson! Plus the usual wrestlers and THE VIKING!!!

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Gary Keys
Some dude is holding up a Four Horseman sign and I can't help but imagine a world where Ric Flair bailed on WCW a year earlier and turned up in UWF to battle Paul Orndorff. 

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Orndorff talks about Dr. Death jumping him from behind. Did that happen? I thought they had a match that ended with a bullshit double count-out.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack
Strongbow's entrance music is less Native American and more Japanese sounding. But he is also less Native American and more Italian American, so whatever. Herb says Strongbow showed his his teepee - and it's a big one! Bruno is just like 'What the fuck are you talking about?!?'. Strongbow's "war dance" is hilariously bad; less Native American war dance, more kid trying to kick ants out of his pants. Wait - my episode is cut! I don't have the end of the match!!

Winner = Logman via not having to watch the whole thing

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Michael Moore
Herb immediately lets us know that Orton will easily win. Shocker! Orton hits his top-rope suplex and Herb goes absolutely nuts.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Herb wants to see him do that to Orndorff. Biased jerk! I thought you supported the good guys??

Nikita says he hasn't liked what's been happening in professional wrestling until he saw UWF - because these people wrestle! Tell that to 'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Cactus Jack!

Captain Lou's Corner
Today, Captain Lou Albano is 'live' in the middle of the ring. HOLY SHITBALLS IT'S ANDRE THE GIANT!!!

He came here because the UWF is the best in the world. OK. Andre is confused and thinks UWF stands for U Want to Fight?

THE VIKING!!! and his plastic hammer have "a message for Mr. X and Mr. B: I'll be back!". Dude, where are you going??

THE VIKING vs Kevin Benjamin
Herb and Bruno can't get over Andre the Giant coming out to say "Hi". Who cares, now that THE VIKING is here?!? THE VIKING is so far ahead of the times that Bruno doesn't even know what moves he's doing!

Winner = THE VIKING via murder

The doctor has to come out again, but this time THE VIKING is all 'this guy needs to be killed more to make it worth your time' and drops some more elbows. THE VIKING is the best!

David Sammartino vs Riki Ataki
Apparently, David came out earlier to help 'The Chief' against Cactus Jack - so that's all I missed. Herb mentions Ataki hasn't won a match in the UWF - no shit, he's a jobber and you guys make it VERY clear at the start of each match that he sucks. Poor David; his Dad is so interested in his match that instead of giving him glowing commentary he is choosing to argue with Herb about the main event.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure four boredom

Andre the Giant says we will see a lot of him here in the UWF. Spoiler: we will never see him again.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Ken Patera
Bruno thinks they are under-reporting Patera's weight. I mean, there's no weight clases, so who cares?!? Bruno does - that's who! In a complete surprise, this is the slowest and most boring match ever until Billy Jack Haynes beats up the referee for reasons.

Winner = Ken Patera via disqualification

Ken Patera teases getting back in the ring for 5 more minutes, but he already won the match so he goes home instead.

Next week: Billy Jack Haynes will rematch Colonesl DeBeers. The black referee wants to another chance to call this match. I smell screwball antics.

Thoughts:

• Andre the Giant was a hell of a get. Shame Vince cut him off on that.
• THE VIKING
• We got our first meeting of this guy:
  
  
  

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 3

UWF Fury Hour Episode 3, 15th October 1990

Apparently last week's show got a fantastic reaction! Are they referring to me managing to not kill myself while watching it?

Bruno seems to be showing genuine excitement for this week's show, while Herb looks... like Herb. Then we get a run down of all the wrestlers you will see today, because that's always fun!

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Local Jobber
Herb says this guy today is just some local talent that is about to get taught a lesson. B. Brian Blair runs out and beats Spivey with a chair and Herb is very pleased. That's cheating! And way worse than anything Spivey did to him.

Winner = Dan Spivey via disqualification

Herb is convinced the jobber dude will never wrestle again. Okay.

Chief Jay Strongbow vs Houdini
Bruno wants you all to know that Strongbow is a really, really nice guy. Houdini is fucking hilarious on offense - even Bruno can't pretend anything he does looks good. 

Winner = Chief Jay Strongbow via sleeperhold

Herb thinks they should leave Houdini sleeping forever; that would fuck up the rest of the show if everyone had to wrestle around him.

David Sammartimo vs Colonel DeBeers
Bruno thinks David looks familar. DeBeers again wants the black ref removed and Bruno is acting like this didn't happen last week. This time the black referee stays but he doesn't fast count or anything - even holds counting three when he should have. So then it's a bit of back and forth until DeBeers beats up the ref and runs away.

Winner = Racism?

Dr. Death says he's feeling vibes?

The Black Knight vs Davey Meltzer
A battle of the jobbers? This should be... bad. Herb wants to discuss the reason The Black Knight wears a mask and Bruno just gives zero fucks. Herb: "Meltzer should be taking notes on this match." That actually made me laugh.

Winner = The Black Knight via Boredom

How the fuck did that match get so much time?

Chief Jay Strongbow thinks the world's greatest talent are coming to the UWF and then does a 'war dance'.

B. Brian Blair vs Riki Ataki
Herb tries to be a racist douche, but Bruno won't stand for it and puts over Japanese wrestlers. Bruno is awesome. Even if he does keep telling us he knows nothing about any of the wrestlers on the show.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not Boston Crab

Captain Lou's Corner
Lou Albano is excited about Bob Orton, who talks about fat people?

Dan Spivey claims he is the number one contendor for the title. There isn't a champ and I haven't seen a belt, but sure.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Larry Levin
Apparently, according to Herb, getting your ass kicked by Billy Jack will make you a better wrestler. The ref botches the ending, so clearly calling his matches don't make you a better referee.

Winner = Billy Jack Haynes via whateverthefuckhappened

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff
A battle of the two biggest stars in the company! Herb tells us next week we will get "NAKITA" Koloff, Ivan Koloff and Ken Patera. Exciting. We now get a recap of their confontration in episode 1. I'd totally forgotten about this. Strange to blow off something like this at only week 3. Ooh Dr. Death ripped up Orndorff's t-shirt! He really is bad to the bone! And he hits a low-blow but doesn't get disqualified? 

Double Count-out

Thoughts:

• Does every main event on this show end in bullshit?

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 2

UWF Fury Hour Episode 2, 8th October 1990

Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino are back - apparently the first episode was "wild and wooly". There are some known names on today's show, and Billy Jack Haynes in the main event!

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack vs Davey Meltzer
Davey Meltzer may be the best gimmick ever. Cactus Jack bites people so Bruno thinks he needs to change his meal times. Cactus Jack leaps off the ring apron to the floor to deliver a flying elbow drop... but the quality production team totally miss it.

Winner = Cactus Jack via pinfall

Dan Spivey is so weird he kills the video feed.

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Scott Cole
Im fresh off Dan Spivey being WCW, disappearing (I'm guessing to appear in the UWF) and he's just returned to WCW in November. So this is odd.

Winner = Dan Spivey via powerbomb squashtimes

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Black Knight
Herb and Bruno have no idea who the black knight is. I love how much they care about the product they are presenting. I'm also fresh off Ordorff coming to WCW for a quick holiday and then leaving to join the UWF. Herb makes fun of The Black Knight for being fat and I'm like dude, look at you - you're Herb Abrams! The Black Knight botches hilariosly and i'm like ok dude, you're The Black Knight - let's make fun of you!

Winner - Paul Orndorff via piledriver

How does 'Mr. Wonderful' look so much older here than he did a few months earlier in WCW? 

B. Brian Blair shills the UWF merch again.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a promo with the most blatant cue card reading ever.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo and I still can't believe this is the same dude that looked like a total badass a few years ago. It was only months for me!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Larry Jobberdude
I do enjoy how much respect the jobbers gets here in the UWF; there is very little effort to let you know their names - it's just 'here is a body for a big old guy to beat up'. And boy howdy does Dr. Death beat this body. Even with a top tope move.

Winner = Steve Williams via boredom

The ads on this show are so completely hilariously bad compared to what I've been seeing on WCW.

Colonel DeBeers wants respect for South Africa. He calls Billy Jack Haynes "Billy JERK Haynes" Ooooh!!!

David Sammartino vs Houdini
Sammartino comes out to Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. The match hasn't even started and already "the crowd" are chanting "BORING", but Bruno is a true pro and continues to call this like it's a normal wrestling match. Except for when David makes a mistake that leads to him getting beaten up by his opponent - then Bruno gets all Dad on him and is all "Well, he deserved that".

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-four leglock

Holy shit these matches are going quickly today.

Captain Lou's Corner
Dan Spivey is a great pro-wrestler? Captain Lou won't even look at him and they then get into a big discussion as to whether or not being tall is an advantage for a pro-wrestler.
What?
Captain Lou asks Spivey why he attacked B. Brian Blair. Dude, I saw the press conference - Blair was talking a bunch of smack and brought it on himself! Spivey says he wants the heavyweight title. There's a title in the UWF??

Dan Spivey cuts a solo promo and also reads cue cards.
Herb yells at me to buy his t-shirt. Who in the fuck would want a Dan Spivey t-shirt?!?

Chief Jay Strongbow wants you to support him and by proxy the Native American people (but this is 1990 so he calls them Indians).

B. Brian Blair vs Spitball Patterson
Herb is sure B. Brian Blair just sold a hundred t-shirts. Maybe if we're accumulating over the entire course of his life. Maybe. Dan Spivey comes out to the ring to watch. Herb and Bruno are very unhappy the referee is allowing him out there - Herb even wonders if he's been paid off. Spivey isn't doing anything - he's just watching the match! I mean, sure, he's tripped Blair twice, but the referee didn't see so that's not his problem! B. Brian Blair does the sharpshooter? And Herb calls it a Boston crab??

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not excellence of execution

Dan Spivey beats up B. Brian Blair after the match.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers comes out to Welcome to the Jungle, which until recently was also the entrance song for The Steiner Brothers. Stealing cool music from cooler guys - that's a true heel move. Holy balls, he actually just said he will not allow a black man to referee his match. The referee is changed to the usual fat white dude and Bruno is like fuck that and fuck him! Billy Jack Haynes comes out and quotes Michael Jackson, except Black or White is yet to be released so maybe he should be credited as a songwriter on that one, but apparently Colonel DeBeers has more pull backstage because they ignore Haynes' request to have the black referee come back. This match is slow and boring. Billy Jack Haynes was awesome when he was younger and jacked and just doing squash matches; instead he's now older, less jacked and doing long boring matches like this.

Draw via double count-out

Bruno is like "Billy Jack could have done better"
You'd hope so, Bruno.

Dr. Death cuts a promo running down all the other babyfaces in the company, but he's the new generation or something. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're all from the same generation of the previous decade.

Herb sends us home, telling us the main even was "unreal".
Unfortunately, it was very real.

Thoughts:

• Who thought Dan Spivey was some sort of star??
• Bah gawd this show was boring